Mastercard CFO Says

Mastercard CFO isn’t worried about a recession. Because their only interest is getting you into deeper debt, shit head stains on society.

CFO explains to Bloomberg.

Ban fertilizer in Canada.

I don’t give a shit.

Food shortages and increased production costs for Farmers are cash cows for us.

MasterCard rules your life now.

Just when you think, you’re out of debt, because Mr. Groper promised to pay off your college degree from the University of Phoenix. Mastercard keeps pulling you back in.

Emit bitch all you want on your WordPress blog.

We suffer from net zero guilt, you peon putzes.

That’s why you’re eating a face of full of manure like Biff from Back to Future, and we’re not.

So, relax kids, Millennial Mouseketeers are dying in their sleep from the clot shots.

But for now, they’ve got Mastercard.

Remember more shots means less living.

But at least you got your vaccine passport stamped one more time to visit Copenhagen.

Apply for a Mastercard today.

More living equals less limits.

Like you were going to blow your bonus money on a self-driving scooter that hits get away rape speed while driving through a no-go zone in Denmark.

AI saves the day. Your clit won’t be hacked into shawarma shreds in Copenhagen in August, priceless.

Michael Kornbluth

Goodfellas Grumbling

Ray Liotta and Gilbert Gottfried enter Heaven. Gilbert says, “Who saw Sudden Adult Death Syndrome coming? But I’m supposed to believe mob actors are dying peacefully in their sleep now?  That death wish feels rather wishy washy to me Ray. That’s like Johnny Sac wishing he could blame lung cancer on his wigger son’s Cyprus Hill record collection, since he became an unemployed DJ on the Jersey Shore. Can I call you Ray? My hit cameo in the Sopranos movie never scored me an invite to Rao’s.” Ray Liotta says, “You weren’t in the Sopranos movie.” Gilbert replies, “James Gandolfini’s kid was less menacing in it than the Aflac duck. So, what difference does it make? Hillary Hammertime Cankles lives but were not in hell, not that my people believe in that. Being stuck in the 2nd Avenue deli with Benji from the Howard Stern show who expects immediate fawned upon service was hellish enough.” Ray Liotta says, “But I thought your people didn’t believe in Heaven either. God must have hooked your less annoying half.”

Gilbert says, “Don’t you have some coke to hide up your ass? Before Paulie wakes up in a hellish mood after realizing that he sold his soul to the devil, so his daughter could win an Oscar for playing a jezebel whore in a Woody Allen film with a queen’s accent, after attending Harvard university off his 2 seconds of screentime kissing dago wap bastards between staring seriously and stuffing his fat face in Goodfellas. Pauli, your precious Godfather, is like the Sulkin Stromboli who sporadically talks.” Ray Liotta says, “I hope God grants me black out powers like he did for Jimmy Cann in the seventies and eighties. Because you’re more annoying than Paulie from the Sopranos on instant messenger with his new Canadian shrink that he got on the cheap because of nationalized healthcare “Tony takes me for granted Pierre. And I’m the one who introduced him to bialys after Carmella urged him to take it easy on the carbs during the Atkins craze diet fad in the nineties. Bialys are anorexic bagels, and twice as delicious, fuckin forget about.” Goodfellas Grumbling, Challah. Thanks for the memories fellas and for giving New Yorker characters a cool name, very, very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Dante’s Hell Lives

Now it’s racist should be the new website address for Google or for Snopes Debunks.com.

Now it’s racist if a mascot at Chuck E Cheese ignores your kid’s Thugs Lives Matter hat, that’s turned backwards.

Since All Lives Matter become the N Word.

A mascot at Chuck E Cheese can’t barely see as is.

And I’m positive the mouse is masked inside, unless he’s a pedophile on parole.

We don’t want the pedophile to be accused of heavy breathing on his 1st date.

Want some bread sticks Johnny?

Ever try one with a creamy alfredo sauce instead?

If a mascot at Chuck E Cheese ignored my kid in Wayne, New Jersey, I’d think, “Chuck E. Cheese must be more into the cheesy bimbet Guido girls that sprout like asbestos in New Jersey around these parts.

I’d freak out if a mascot started waiving at me uncontrollably.

I’d think, “Why is Patch Adams treating me like my days are numbered? Is my, “Just Vaccinated Sticker”, a dead giveaway?”

When the mom confronted the manager about the alleged diss from the mascot, he made excuses.  

“Wave goodbye, to your cushy Cinnabon manger offer now.”

“Snubbing black kids don’t pay.”

“I should’ve stuck with accounting at Montclair university.”

“I’m not even supposed to be here today.”

Dante’s Hell lives, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Crime Stalling Solution

Instead of giving criminals get out of jail free cards, which is what no bail laws do.  We should institute a recess pass system that my teachers used on us to discourage bad behavior growing up except these Recess Passes are used for Cannabis shops in New York City. Latrel Sprewell’s kid chokes out a cop’s white privilege and he gets his recess pass to the cannabis shop taken away. Thugs Lives Matter Most, start having panic attacks on the Subway. Where am I going to get my gummies now? Stink free plus ash free equals zero regrets homey. Plus, I don’t want to share a blunt with your ass just out of the slammer, you monkey pox packing motherfucker.”  Recess Passes Matter, Challah, Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Supply Chain Solved

Require every dreamer crossing our border to work as a delivery driver for UPS for one year in exchange for the free social security cards and I-Phones they’re getting at the border that comes with Waze, and our supply chain problem is solved.

Illegal immigrants flown into JFK on Jet Blue are given a license to vote Democrat anyway. Plus, illegal immigrants are exempt from the clot shot, so they’ll be healthy enough to do more ballot stuffing for UPS during the midi-term election season.

Michael Kornbluth

Recess Passes Matter

Instead of giving criminals get out of jail free cards, which is what no bail laws do.  We should institute a recess pass system that my teachers used on us to discourage bad behavior growing up except these Recess Passes are used for Cannabis shops in New York City. Latrel Sprewell’s kid chokes out a cop’s white privilege and he gets his recess pass to the cannabis shop taken away. Thugs Lives Matter Most, start having panic attacks on the Subway. Where am I going to get my gummies now? Stink free plus ash free equals zero regrets homey. Plus, I don’t want to share a blunt with your ass just out of the slammer, you monkey pox packing motherfucker.”  Recess Passes Matter, Challah, Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Hack Hero

Saw the Thor movie Love and Thunder with my kids. They should rename it Gayer Than Thundercats. I’m yelling at Natalie Portman on screen. Fail at being cool, which scored the biggest laugh throughout the movie. Understand, I don’t care about the rock creature Kronan dudes professing their love for each other at the end. Bang away, it’s not as if they can get Aids from having their bottoms rocked by Rock Hudson. But it’s gay when the director has to rely on Guns and Roses greatest hits to inject any veneer of bad ass coolness to the God of loud rain. Hillary Hammertime Cankles, half naked with her spanx off after dark, wildly swinging a magnum of Cakebread Cellars Chardonay over her head at Bill after he complained about their clapper not arriving yet over more supply chain issues, is 10 times more menacing than Chris Hemsworth on the Big Screen as Thor while trying to crack wise like a roided out Diamond Dave in a cape audtioning for Man O War after he got fired from Van Halen for wanting to sing a cover of Dude Looks Like A Lady. What was the fucking pitch for this movie exactly, Thor Meets Guitar Hero at the crossroads to sell out hell? Get in the ring motherfucker and the Hammer of Thor in the hands of Natalie Portman will beat Moby’s bitchy little ass. Black bean burgers are a good dose of protein my ass.

Michael Kornbluth

Last Licks Lasting

How do you fuck with your Atheist wife? Be serious about expressing your desire to adopt a kid with Down Syndrome. But they can die at 40 from cancer. Athletes are dying from the clot shot in their twenties now. So, 40 is the new 90 really babe. Plus, your username on the Peloton is Flowers and Babies. Shouldn’t all kids enveloped in our circle of love in our comedy estate home come up roses in your eyes? You work in the NICU checking for vital signs. All I check for is for retweets. You want me to prove I’m not an A Plus Narcissist and break the curse of my family tradition. Then this is it. Huey Lewis and the News live, Challah. Thank you very much. Although leave it to Uncle John, AKA Sir Snort A Lot to contaminate our air of holiness at home, the one time he offers our adopted son with Down Syndrome some blow and says, “You don’t always have to be down kid.” But who’s going to look after him? You still don’t have a job. He’ll help me sell my new gum invention Hop-O-Rama Chew. Who’s going to say no to a kid with Down Syndrome? What, I want to disrupt the job market for young adults with Down Syndrome. Most kids with Down Syndrome are highly creative. Plus, they possess highly developed senses of humor like Phil Rosenthal’s cousin in Somebody Feed Phil or the guy in Something About Mary. And who could resist our adopted kid with Down Syndrome going to door to door in Brooklyn selling Hop flavored gum to overweight Stay At Home hipster dads who identify more with Lena Dunham since she morphed into the Hunchback of Bushwick during Restaurant Week? We can call him Zevon Zappa Kornbluth, which gives him immediate hipster cred after he introduces himself and some immediate breathing room to pitch. I want to out Hipster the shit out of these guys. Door to door sales would do wonders for this kid’s self-esteem. At the same time, nobody is slamming a door on a kid’s face with Down Syndrome, especially if he’s blowing the biggest bubble, you’ve ever seen while holding up tape recorder that plays our pre-recorded radio jingle for Hop-O-Roma Chew. Blow your blues with away some Hop-O-Rama Chew. Our bubbles are easy to blow. Even kids with Down Syndrome can blow big bubbles while chewing on a daily nugget of wisdom wrapped inside each burst of bright-eyed flavor inside.  Hop-O-Rama Swami says, “Beer Bellies give self-love a bad name. And Sarah Palin is better than you. So, add some extra bounce to your step with some Hop-O-Rama Chew.”

“Also, your best friend Sara will feel like a more self-involved narcissist for only having one kid versus our 3 plus one adopted one with Down Syndrome. And our 4th kid being an adopted one with Down Syndrome would really piss my parents off. Just think of what a big deal they made about putting up a pool fence. But I don’t view a kid with Down Syndrome as an eye sore but as angel light and their laughs are the purest. Plus, when a kid with Down Syndrome smiles it could light up a youth hostel in a no-go zone area in Germany with no-WI Fi during the Chinese planted plague made in Wuhan delivered through remote controlled drone bats, next day delivery. Supply Chain problem solved because everyone will be dead. So, what difference does it make? Except that our best of 4 worlds family, that being all 4 kids, because were not family without them, will be able to bask in some angel light before the never-ending shit show goes up in flames. As we sing in a beautiful, truthfully tuneful harmony, “It’s the end of the world, and we know it, and I feel fine. Because Samuel needs a younger brother to look after. And denying him the opportunity to be the biggest hearted big brother ever would really blow more than being denied the chance to see if your mother would terminate her Nazi dog Heidi over a more playtime consideration with her grandchild with Down Syndrome. Will see how God blessed she’ll act in the face of our new kid with Down Syndrome who will do abortion jokes in my honor over Christmas. One kid only means your diaphragm is for walls after all Baba. Plus, how could I ever be sad in the presence of Dad? Funnier dad, happier baby. Thanks Dad. For giving me the confidence to do more than dig ditches for non-biodegradable masks at McDonald’s before the never-ending shit show goes up in flames. Burning Mask Party return, 121 comedy records later, Challah. Thanks for the laughs, Dad, very, very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Triple Crown Winners

Nothing Rotten

Giving up Adderall is a return to energy independence.

Calling Zelensky a Jew is like calling Annie Leibowitz a mensch.

Also, why is Annie Leibowitz taking pictures of Zelensky and his wife for Vouge magazine?

Was the Vanity Fair Hollywood issue too vain for Zelensky’s tastes?

Posing in the same magazine with Wes Anderson’s pocket watch collection from Louis Vuitton is where I draw the line Annie, no offense. Tell your sister Judy Gold, she’s a no talent hack for me, thanks.

Zelensky takes orders from Azov Nazi’s. He’s like George Soros with a better barber.

Trump’s the Anti-Christ, not your dad, Liz Cheney?

But you unlike your deathly dickish American Dad, you aim to please?

Also, doesn’t Jesus’ return from heaven to defeat the Anti-Christ in the Bible part 2?

So have some faith in the Jesus comeback story, won’t you, people.

Imagine Jesus returning and his only request is that we give up social media for a whole year.

Trump tweets on Truth Social.

Don’t worship false idols.

Sorry, I didn’t realize that former Trump supporters were tweeting that about Trump on Truth Social before giving up social media for Lent. In other words, fuck off already Trump, you left us for dead and push operation death speed with the same verve as Trump Vodka laced with killer doses of Fentanyl. Condemn the kill shot and post our bail already motherfucker or you’re rotten to the core like the rest. What’s the point in passing prison reform if you can’t even bail out your supporters who didn’t kill anything but the veneer of Q being your alter ego in the form of JFK Junior who you were destined to team up with to take out the Deep state which took his father out, who wanted to share our alien DNA stool staples of Gore Vidal with the Russians. Let Blow Hard One Mark Levin let you off nice and easy. And if Ronan Farrow is really Frank Sinatra’s kid, then why hasn’t Woody Allen woken up next to the head of Secretariat yet? The Great American Songbook lives, now eat my butt carrots Amy Barrett. You’re Mia Farrow with better husband selection, Challah. Thank you very much.

Supply Chain Solved

You want to solve our supply chain crisis? Require every dreamer crossing our border to work as a delivery driver for UPS for one year. It’s good paying union job, you get to wear shorts all day and in New York state they’re already given a license to vote anyway. Plus, UPS drivers similar to illegals are exempt from getting the clot shot, so they’ll be healthy enough to do more ballot stuffing for UPS during the mid-term election season. Plus, did you know that in New York State, you can be fined 250,000 dollars for using hate speech on illegal aliens? Such as, No Speak English? Whose translating these insults for Juan exactly? Now illegal immigrants flown into the New York on Jet Blue courtesy of the Democratic party, get a License to vote and a hate speech translator to bankrupt Apu at a bodega in Flushing. What a country, Yakov Smirnov lives, Challah. Thank you very much.  

Recess Passes Matter

Instead of giving criminals an endless supply of get out of jail free cards, which is what no bail laws are. We should institute a recess pass system that our teachers used to punish our bad behavior in elementary school growing up. Speak out in class, Recess Pass gets taken away. Place dog food on Beth’s desk. Take a Recess Pass away. Choke a cop on the subway because you feel like it. Take away a Recess Pass away. You get 5 per week from the state, which can be scanned from your phone. So, every time you can get a Recess Pass taken away it means, you get a point on your license. 5 points results in your medicinal weed card being permanently revoked in New York state. You want to talk buzz kill fellas. New Yorkers have been waiting for weed dispensaries since the dawn of time. But now you can’t access it because Latrel Sprewell’s kid choked out a cop’s white privilege despite him deserving it according to Thugs Lives Matter Most. Thugs start having panic attacks on the Subway, I can’t breathe motherfucker. I can’t go back to smoking that shit skunk weed on the street. Gummy Edibles don’t stink up my breath. I don’t want to share no blunt with your ass just out of the slammer, you monkey pox packing motherfucker.” Recess Passes Matter, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth