Genius On Tap

Soundtrack king Kenny Loggins says, “To feel is to communicate your spirit with God.” Wife says, “Your spirit has an oversharing problem with God.”

Biden, I mean Mr. Groper, says, “Children belong to their teachers.” I thought child wives was a Muslim thing, my bad. Challah, thank you very much.

If you care enough to shave your legs, you’re a woman in my book, Barenaked Ladies Are Us. It’s a self-care book about pampering your feminine side without being a fugly feminist twat about it. Challah, thank you very much.

Explain to me the need to wear a mask at Madeline Albright’s funeral. Isn’t Secret Service detail protection for life enough? Esecially when all in attendance are guilty of perpetuating the big lie of COVID infection being worse than entry in the Dallas Buyer’s Club.

Why is the ACLU fretting about Elon Musk running the show at Twitter now? They’ll still ignore the fact that White Supremacists in Fred Perry Shirts with Tiki Torches in hand aren’t the nationalist supremacist types responsible for Florida and Anti-Semitism being so hot right now. Shit, when was the last time you heard a Proud Boy admit he was still educating himself on Hitler after retweeting more libel bullshit from Farrakhan about alien controlled bloodsucking cockroaches controlling the Federal Reserve and all the banks in the North Pole to? I thought it was Baby Face Omar who celebrated the anniversary of Amy Winehouse’s death by describing it on Twitter as “something happened”, to a beehive sporting, devil horn hiding, parasitical Jew bitch, who exploited the Great Palestinian Songbook for all it was worth. Genius on tap, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Buckets Of Challahs

Edgeless comedy blows.

Reason to forsake Adderall. When you take it long enough in a row, it feels like a burnt-out devil is stuck in your head, intent on stealing your time, soul and brain from its intended form forever.

Yesterday, I sensed a lit agent being a smug prick in declining an offer of representation for my book The Koshertarian Comedian. So, I check his Twitter feed, which includes a retweet about Melania failing at defeating cyberbullying with a screen shot of her husband’s suspended account. So, just to fuck with him back, I email, “Fuck your fake news sincerity. Trump won. But keep thinking Mr. Groper got more votes than Trump or Obama Be Good ever did. Which is like claiming DMX gave up weed for catnip during Lent. DMX lives. Yonker’s is getting black as shit up in here Challah, thank you very much.

If you’re still concerned about catching COVID, then just admit your precious vaccine works less than Jared Kushner does on his tan, when he’s got Ivanka to do whenever she talks dirty to him in Mandarin on his birthday again, resuming her role as Christina Tightcoochie, otherwise known as Jewess Who Swallows. 2 seconds later, Jared Kushner blows a follow-up load for 2 minutes straight into her pearly white face and says, The Russians are coming, the Russians are coming. Hide your borscht soup recipe for Passover or we’re screwed Trumpy Goo.” Can I get a holla for some money blasting Challahs? Killer With A Cause, Challah, thank you very much.

The new mayor of NY consulted the mayor of Chicago, lead maker of blood controlling kits in our country, on how to tackle crime better than the cast of 21 Jump Street without Johnny Depp willing to resume his FBI informant role in Donnie Brosco Does BLM Busts The Most for anything less than 50 million in bitcoin and all the cases of Chateau Margaux Keith Richards can drink.

How can the mayor of NY tackle crime better? Why not, condemn Jussie Smollett for trying to incite a race war on Obama Be Good’s behalf and say to the NY media, “Deplorable is anyone who’s glad Jussie Smollett took a shot.”  At least it’s a start.

What’s a woman? 2 tits, a hole and a heartbeat, right? Next question. Nancy Denture Breath Pelosi needs a working heart for an actual heart transplant, so she’s off the to do list, Challah. Thank you very much.

What’s the science behind exempting the Mets 1st baseman from getting the clot shot over 1st responders who ran into the Second Tower without sweating the prospecting of catching an itchy esophagus? Gold Gloves matter most.

What’s the science behind discharging Marines who refuse to take the clot shot? Fuck Face Fauci is my friend, no matter what. Who cares if the DOD database says COVID vaccine shots cause a 300 increase in miscarriages? Court packing the Supreme Court with pizza partying throwing pedophile sympathizers means those kids would’ve been in breathing distance of early release child predators anyway.

The Don’t Say Gay bill will kill kids? Yeah, like Rolling Stone Magazine refraining from calling Michael Jackson gay killed off his age of innocence ruining terror like a smooth criminal. What would Michael Jackson say in his defense against all his Never Land accusers today Rolling Stone? All the Beatles royalty points in the world can’t buy me love.

Am I the only one who doesn’t think it’s kosher for the kindergarten teacher in Billy Madison to be teaching my kids about masturbation just yet? What can Veronica Vaughn add to that conversation that Do It All Dad can’t?  When your Pete Sampras, you can pick out any ball girl you like. And you don’t have to play with yourself anymore like you do with your GI-Joe figures.

In Kentucky they offer self-pleasure workshops for toddlers, which is fitting I guess, when finger food down there is considered anything that tastes like your cousin’s panties. Those same self-pleasure workshops offer hands on lessons on simulating masturbation called Giving Up Blow For Blow Painting to get off instead by Hunter Biden, AKA Sir Snort A Lot, whose done hearing last call from the bathroom stall at Molly Malone’s while his biker bud extras from the Sons of Anarchy yell, “Where’s Hunter? Who else is going to pay for this shit?”

My daughter has ruined Jello for me by saying, “It’s made of horse bones daddy.” So, I got back at and her said, “Linzer Tart cookies are made out of Unicorn Periods.”

It’s hard to keep the Tooth Fairy story alive when you blank on putting money under your daughter’s pillow again. Daughter says, “Daddy, is the Tooth Fairy even real? I say, “The Rock slept in for a change alright.”

Why would my mom think my brother’s ex-wife would return her diamond engagement ring after he expunged her inner light forever? That’s like giving a girl HIV unintentionally but expecting her to return the Lexington Steel replica dildo used to fuck her over and help seal the deal with.

Just learned that Zelensky had his 2 kids baptized. So, calling Zelensky Jewish is like calling Jihadi John Jewish, just saying. Which reminds me, ISIS aren’t good recruiters. They just hit on lonely virgins on What’s App, who wish their phones blew up. And a 2-state solution is inconceivable if the Muslim Brotherhood in the struggle keep fucking. Also, why are Jihadists in general so into deflowering virgins? Don’t these divine powered angels of light have enough bloods on their hands already?

My mom focuses way too much on my 11-year-old daughter’s legs, who go on for miles and miles. Granted, her hips already hit the ceiling. Still, doing my best Trump impersonation while judging my daughter’s statuesque figure in the making feels more off wrong than Kosher right for me but I’ll try anyway.  She’s Miss New York material for sure mom. So, clap your hands for the next Miss America but Trump keep your hands up where I see them. All of a sudden, I feel like I’m conducting a Zoom call with Jefferey Toobin at CNN for Drag Queen Reading Hour Appreciation Day.

I’m opposed to Drag Queen Reading hour, because fluorescent library lights don’t look flattering on anybody, especially on a poor man’s Marilyn Manson impersonator.

Why should I side with my great Aunt who fired her maid of 20 years for refusing to wear mask while cleaning her toilets? I’d prefer to take the maid out to lunch at Russ & Daughters and offer her all the smoked salmon platters she wants for sticking to her guns.

You know gas is expensive when 10 dollars isn’t enough to last you through smoking a half a pinner.

People Magazine is blaming blood clots on unhealthy diets now. Then, why is Raphael Nadal complaining of sudden chest pains? He abstains from gluten and from following the herd mentality. Wait a minute, that’s Djokovic, my bad.

How can you say sentences for child rapists are too harsh? 80 percent of the prison population wouldn’t be in there if they weren’t fucked over by some parental figure in one capacity or another. The arc of justice has gone straight to hell if Americans defend any Supreme Court Justice nominee pick who plays the opposition research Pete Townshend card while defending hand slapping punishment against pedophilia, when Joe from Scranton clicked on Soapybottomsnothingtoseehereatmoveon.org. Alex Jones lives, Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

New Rule Asshole

New Rule: Stop acting you’re on my side. If you think my kids should wear masks in schools like Michael Jackson’s adopted kids on holiday in Bahrain.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you act like kids with COVID are a scarier health risk than backend entry into The Dallas Buyer’s Club.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you voted for Mr. Groper to make hair sniffing great again.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you think Thug Lives Matter most.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you still listen to weird, weak, woke Howard Stern, who didn’t dare criticize Governor Cuomo when he was in power after writing a book on How to Kill Italian Grandma Without Throwing Off Her Off The Train, because Perm Head didn’t want to be banned from Jimmy Kimmel’s house for more 2 bite chicken parm dinners.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you’re not grossly offended when demonic, Democrat hacks like Denture Breath Pelosi compare January 7 to 9/11 but are totally cool with Ellen DeGeneres professed friendship with W because she’s a fake news humanitarian who’s pro bush all the way.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you blame the burning of food vendor trucks at Woodstock 99 on white rage but refuse to condemn ANTIFA for being fake news Punisher vigilantes in hoodies from Target who never outgrew their pyromania phase.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you still watch the NBA, which makes ball gags made in China to ensure the Houston Rocket’s owner never tweets in favor of the Hong Protests again, which makes every day Yuhan paper trumps all day, especially since COVID made in Wuhan, was used to steal an election through mail-in voting, wreck our economy, gut our cities and destroy our children’s age of innocence more than any Dick Cheney move by Oliver Stone ever could.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you don’t condemn Biden for being a lying piece of shit for lying about visiting the Tree of Life in Synagogue during the Jewish New Year in Pittsburgh. Despite the Rabbi who was there, claiming, “I’ve never met Joe Biden in my life. And I’m not going out of my way to hang out much at Ben & Jerry’s much these days either.”

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you don’t think Israel has a right to defend itself, after 5000 rockets are launched in its backyard, while only expecting to receive an Edible Gift Basket in Return with a thank you note written in Farsi.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you’re still a degenerate, lying, beyond petulant, perpetually druggy scumbag who makes Hunter Biden come off as a serial slacker underachiever in comparison.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you support sanctuary cities, which is legalized lawlessness on crack or have no problem with every day for the cops being standing down day since BLM made it kosher to shoot cops in Dallas without any image depreciation blowback.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you wanted Kyle Rittenhouse to get anal AIDS in prison before getting beaten to death because the jury in Kenosha refused to let mob justice rule.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you insult my intelligence like you’ve done for 5 years in a row and tell me with a straight face that you think Biden got more votes than Obama or Trump despite Mr. Groper’s campaign rallies not being big enough to fill out Ariel’s little clam shell bra’s.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you believe our elderly deserved to die alone despite COVID having a 99 percent survival rate, when you’re a degenerate Jewish gambler who has no problem betting 5 large on the Jets against Tampa on a slow Thursday.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you still watch Bill Maher after he wished for a recession to get Trump out of office but got COVID instead. The same Bill Maher, another self-serving, Obama licker protector like the rest. Who had no problem with Obama posting Israel’s classified nuclear program on Medium or nuke gifting Iran 150 billion to create overseas manufacturing jobs for Build a Bear to make their economy less reliant on the sale of chest hair removal cream for the Kardashians.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you think you’re not blatantly pathetic for only now criticizing the news media for perpetuating the overblown COVID death counts because you’re feeling more courageous in admitting to your buyer’s remorse after SNL makes fun of Biden’s pedophile whisperer speech impediment after all these years.

Stop acting you’re on my side, if you think John Goodman is a good guy because he came out on Jimmy Kimmel to declare Rosanne isn’t a racist, after agreeing to the spin off the Conner’s based on a show and career she created for him in the 1st place because a brief part in Raising Arizona wasn’t the career launcher he imagined either.

Stop acting you’re on my side if you side with arrogant baby boomers who want Joe Rogan canceled for the crime of interviewing an infectious disease expert that knows Fuck Face Fauci personally, who fluffed the monkey with the banana driller used to create Aids with, in addition to Magic’s Johnson’s secret HIV suppressor stash.

Stop acting you’re on my side if you’re going to insist the entire world has gone mad all around, when it’s the crazed, just vaccinated Karen’s that have ruined dinner parties for the foreseeable future let alone a stroll to Target with your kids only to hear, “Wear the damn mask.” “Yeah, not until you suck the misinformation and hate speech out of my chosen schlong first Karen. Pretend Obama ordered you to leak it.”

Stop acting you’re on my side if you’re sick of COVID when you’re not a nurse forced to mask up for 2 years in a row who’s had to lose her job because she refused to get an experimental clot shot that’s weakening more immune systems than backend entry into the Dallas Buyer’s Club.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you think you’re a man of the people, who’s not a guilty of endorsing mass murder, done dick to condemn evil and more than tolerated the lockdowns, and forced terminations of jobs for 2 years that’s lead to thousands of businesses destroyed, countless drug overdoses, numerous suicides and fucked up kids for life with future fertility issues and heart problems on the way for using our kids as fucking political pawns by pushing a clot shot drug on them to keep evil enshrouded scumbags like Gavin Newsome in power that has single handily destroyed my beautiful southern California of yesteryear in one slimy, sociopath ridden swoop.

Stop acting you’re on my side. You’re narrative about you being a good guy truth spreader after claiming anyone who offered alternative treatments to combat early bouts of COVID as conspiracy theorists like every blah breath hack deluded into thinking that intended silence shaming aside will shut us the fuck up knowing you’ve been the easily duped, rube hick who’s been breathlessly citing the Washington Post for the past 6 years in a row mongoloid moron.

Stop acting you’re on my side, when you have no problem with 2 million illegal immigrants infiltrating our border with COVID and more fentanyl made in China that’s killed more cracker in this country than Taylor Swift kicking with Lena Dunham on Instagram.

Stop acting you’re on my side, when you don’t have kids or give a shit about protecting the kids. All you care about is preserving your urban legends about George Floyd being the patron saint of resisting arrest, Obama Be Good doing more than rebranding ISIS, ISIL so they’d sound more start up friendly in the NY Times while claiming to be a good Jew when you don’t eat Kosher, perform Shabbat or demonize the UN for funding death tunnels to kidnap and kill Jewish children in the name of terrorist inclusivity.

Stop acting you’re on my side, when you don’t even shrug at the thought of kids being discriminated, segregated against and psychologically tortured because their parents don’t worship the cult of Obama Be Good or the Democratic lead rape enablement party nor are they dumb to subject their kids to experimental gene therapy for desired social acceptance among the enemies on the fake news elite left that ushered and continue to push the utter destruction of our kid’s youth, safety our inner cities and facade of the US government and our doctors as a whole caring about anything else besides self-enrichment and job preservation since the day democracy died.

You’re the enemy asshole, if you remain a stranger to self-awareness and all the evil you endorse, even if Bill Maher gave you permission to open your mouth otherwise from time to time because it’s socially convenient now to do so, you sell out hack.

Get banned from Twitter for insisting the Chinese have resisted Wuhan lab investigations more than AquaFresh 70 comedy records later and get back to me on what a crazy, hardcore thought leader you on are LinkedIn, asshole.

Michael Kornbluth