Wish I subbed my no-show, whiny Jewish Grandma for a wise black grandma for my wedding. I’d post an ad on Craig’s List with the headline, Wise Black Grandma Needed. Then, add below, Tyler Perry impersonators are welcome to apply but you must be comfortable performing in front of white audiences only.
Daughter says, “Mommy asked Google if she should divorce her unemployed comedian husband. I say, “You kids name your special jumps into the pool based on chapter titles from my books like Best Bud Sarah Silverman Never Had, splash, Children Are Family Upgrades, Woosh, or Surrender Shrimp and Grits, long time, hollah, kaplomp. So, it’s not as if you kids are clamoring to tell a divorce court how much you want me out of your life already. Besides, haven’t you ever heard of divorce immunity during Corona? Last, we don’t even know if you’re going to be resuming school full time again this year and baby’s not running for President yet, nor do any of your virtual grandparents on both sides plan to lift a finger to help with you 3 on a semi-regular basis outside of liking a new picture on Facebook. Plus, grandparents on both sides, have no intention to uproot themselves away from Unibrow Maddow or the local Ukranian Church, in Delaware where, baba performed fake news communion on all 3 of your behind my back, because your Hebrew names, Jewish blood and none of your ever getting baptized derailed that after life death wish from ever materializing. So daddy possess what the big Don in the Art of the Deal would call leverage, unlike every Democratic Mayor crying for Federal help after they turned the mob loose on their cities without any crime blitz schemes in sight because Mike Ditka isn’t in charge nor he is grooming any Buddy Ryan’s to take over their own homeland security defense departments against omnipresent, mostly real life crazy, encouraged anarchy in the name of Obama Be Good and the geographically challenged, pedo hair sniffer being just what fuck Face Fauci ordered to bring our country back to 2.9 GDP growth again, when diplomacy was considered nuke gifting Iran 150 billion on your way out the doors. Those were the days.
What the hell is Attachment Parenting dude? It’s turning your bed into a 24/7 open milk bar for the foreseeable future, which isn’t the biggest deal in the world, knowing your sweaty sex period with your girlfriend now wife, only lasts one month max anyway, when your bang, bang bed, actually elevates, defying all laws of gravity, considering your perpetual poundage of her snugger snatch of yesteryear.
If my son played with dolls, I’d tell him to wrap pecker-wood with seaweed before he took a deep dive into Polynesian Barbie.
There’s no way KP raped his neighbor the day he tore his ACL. First, going strong to the hole was never KP’s forte. Last, do you see Harvey Weinstein trying to rape Gal Gadot in her Wonder Woman costume only one good leg? But at least Harvey Weinstein’s wife of 15 years finally divorced him, so she could focus more on her lifetime battle with, amnesia.
Do blind men get the beer goggles?
Does the seeing eye dog offer a 2nd opinion?
Dog says, “Pass on this one Stevie. You can feel her face. But I can smell her snatch, woof, woof.”
Shakespeare said, “Hanging perverts, prevented many a bad marriage”, because the valley didn’t invent Porno-Wood yet, to ensure jerking off remained man’s last safety rail left.
I gave up taking Adderall, so I’d wouldn’t focus as much on how ahead of the curve annoying my wife can be. In bed, our lucky number 3 cries for more boob and my wife says without fail, “If I give the baby more boob, he’ll be on the boob all night long.” I reply, “Your boob has more important places to be. Be happy your torn-up nips, are getting any attention at all, since your foamy nips started to taste like a regrettable non-fat latte.”
Whenever I’m out in public with my 3 kids without my wife, grown men say to me, “You’ve got your hands full. I say, “If any of my 3 books become best sellers before I die, resulting in my wife agreeing to an open marriage with Katie Perry, then my hands will be full.”
Should stay at home mom’s get paid? If you can afford to be one and your husband doesn’t bust your balls about it because he’s allowed to live his life to the fullest, while you don’t have to penny pinch at the Farmer’s Market, then keep your white privilege issues to yourself.
Should stay at home mom’s get paid? But I thought woman loved the divine gift of raising superior versions of themselves planned or not, because of Do It All Dad’s molding on top. I don’t think stay at home dads should get paid, but I’m not a fake feminist either.
Because you turn your bed into a 24/7 open milk bar. Which cures any potential abandonment issue scars.
Because you show interest in their stories and don’t space out on them every two seconds like a super stoned Dory.
Because you play with them come rain or shine. Thinking to yourself, I can’t believe they’re real or mine.
Because you reward their good behavior with fancy treats whenever they’ve been fuss free and don’t wiggle once in their seats.
Because you draw deal boards which make their imaginations run wild like a wide eyed, dream on, I can do anything consumed child.
Because you make them feel like the most important center of your universe instead of the reverse.
Because when you say I love you it doesn’t feel manufactured hoarse like you’re forcing the issue to avoid a divorce.
Because you make an Open Sesame Humus Bagel Sandwich with muenster to give their lunch options for summer camp more zest. Knowing Do It All Dad refuses to settle for second best.