Stand Up Staffer Hot Pitches

I’m relaunching my one-man IT staffing firm Stand Up Staffer to gain the creative freedom and financial resources necessary to self-publish 3 books bound for Do It Dad glory. Staffing fees amassed from Stand Up Staffeer will also give breathing room and fuck you edge needeeded to perform endless sheets of comedy gold in front of a paying audience for a change, whenever, whever. Shakira lives, Challah. Thank you very much.

Stand Up Staffer Presents Business Card Branding Messages.

Stand Up Staffer

Inspiring Encore Pitch Performances Since Y2K

Stand Up Staffer

Creative Tech Recruiter Killing

Standup Staffer

Headhunter Writer Happy

Stand Up Staffer

The Creative Edge Staffing Experience

Stand Up Staffer

Headlining IT Recruiter Since Y2K

Stand Up Staffer

22 years, 20 million laughs, 20,000 IT jobs filled.

Not all by me, but you get the gist.

Creative Edge Recruitment for the digital age.

Stand Up Staffer

Another Standing O Performance

Talent Hooking IT Stars Since Y2K

Stand Up Staffer

One phone is all I need.

IT staffing hero since Y2K.

Stand Up Staffer

Top Headhunter Writer Since Y2K.

Stand Up Staffer

More than an IT Recruiter

Headhunter Writer Prose

That lures big fish pros.

Stand Up Staffer Hot Pitches, Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Great Friday

Being enslaved by hacks was a source of great shame for me. 

But after getting fired for taking off Good Friday for mental health reasons. 

I’m finally, free to be me. 

Headhunter Writer Liberated, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Headhunter Writer fired sounds too victimized, Me-Too-Ish for my tastes.

Headhunter Writer firing highlights; now were cooking.

After getting fired I boast, “I wrote The Great American Jew Novel.”

Controller says, “Good for you.”

I say, “It’s great for my ego actually.” Has this putz breath even offered his CPA services to the head of BLM charged with tax evasion on a pro-bono basis? Since she charged Turbo Tax with being culturally biased software?

Headhunter Writer Liberated, Challah.

Thank you very much.

So, I got fired and told it wasn’t working out by the Controller.

I’m removing belongings from my former desk.

I held up a coffee mug with an artful design that my 9-year-old son did in front of our Controller and pronounced loud and proud, “You see this design on this mug that my son did; this is what talent looks like. Naturally, because my son Art Show USA stems from my Do It All Dad Year Tree Trunk. 

Headhunter Writer liberated, Challah. 

Thank you very much. 

Why was I fired after filling high-end engineering roles left and right?

First, the dumpy dour woman in accounting can’t stand my light in the face of her blah-breathed plight.

I’m also louder than a Headlining God one hundred forty comedy records later.

That’s why I triggered a Headhunter Writer Guru on a Zoom call for daring to break up his hick-hued plowish slog.

It’s not my fault that this Headhunter Writer guru is next-level sketchy.

I got removed from a Zoom call from this Headhunter Writer hick guru who teaches how to lasso talent by lying about having prior meetings about a specific candidate.

Yeah, I’ve been doing IT headhunting recruiting on and off since Y2K, pre-LinkedIn. Not once has one seasoned IT recruiter leader who runs a full desk ever had a team meeting about pitching a particular candidate. Most staffing agencies need to be more organized, sophisticated, and team-oriented or care enough to be mainlining Adderall to pull off that feat of targeted precision.

If anyone is having an involved meeting about a candidate, it’s Hillary and the team at the DNC deciding how to screw Bernie out of the nomination again. 

Headhunter Writer Liberated, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Thanks for making me a Passover Sacrifice, Lord. 

I’m free from an office life plagued by spoiled hags, dumpy dour bores, morose maligned mopes, and edgeless, chameleon brown-noses for hire.

Today, we launch Stand Up Staffer, a one-man Headhunter Writer show and give this remote working staffing revolution one last fighter’s go.

Headhunter Writer liberated Challah; thank you very much. 

I’ve been recruiting top engineering talent since Y2K. 

So, you know I wasn’t born with a vape pen in my mouth yesterday. 

Servicing boring is equal to being enslaved by hacks. 

Headhunter Writer liberated Challah.

Thank you very much.

Your Favorite Headhunter Writer,

Joshua Kornbluth 

Headhunter Writer Knows  

Headhunter Writer knows Frank Zappa would rather play Byrd’s cover songs than engage in comment section banter any longer than I have already on LinkedIn.

Headhunter Writer knows your job ads suck without me writing them for you.

Headhunter Writer knows top LinkedIn Voices are allowed to use the word suck on LinkedIn, which prevents them from being utterly edgeless in Marc Cuban’s eyes.

Headhunter Writer knows Miles Davis would rather face a firing squad than be caught dead in the comment section on LinkedIn.

Headhunter Writer knows that excellent sales writing showcases a special touch.

That became highly developed through obsessive pitch practice while blowing off the Knicks for three seasons in a row while not sweating the prospect of missing all that much.

Headhunter Writer knows desperation is the kiss of death.

So he’ll pull the takeaway on the candidate if they start acting bitchy, entitled, and unappreciative like the rock star girlfriend in the Kiss song Beth.

Headhunter Writer knows heads of application development get triggered with feelings of instantaneous inferiority after hearing me leave a VM about a Full Stack Engineer I’m representing who played Carnegie Hall as a classically trained violinist.

I say, “Miles Davis, Frank Zappa, and Lenny Bruce share what in common? They all played Carnegie Hall. So did your next software engineer hire, let’s call him, Developer Prodigy, who played Carnegie Hall? What have you done with your life? 

Headhunter Writer knows that voicemail was longwinded by Frank Zappa’s crowd work standards. 

Headhunter Writer knows that if you want to out hipster Williamsburg, you name your next kid, not Bowie or Hudson but Zappa Zevon Kornbluth or Joan Of Arc Kornbluth if it’s a girl or Edward Snowden Kornbluth if I want the FBI to charge me with the Espionage Act by aiding and encouraging the hacker hero enemy. 

Headhunter Writer knows sales trainers who get paid to conduct sales seminars about push versus pull selling methods are straining for weighty thinker respectability. 

Headhunter Writer knows sales jobs only work if you’re doing it to achieve accumulation goals like a power blue Canali suit you just set your sights on at Nordstrom, which inspires the new age expression, greedy for pretty is good. Gordon Gecko, with a gender-fluid twist, lives Challah. Thank you very much. 

Headhunter Writer knows U2 is Irish cheesy. Van Morrison isn’t, House of Pain wasn’t, and Dennis Leary never was. 

Headhunter Writer knows Charles Bukowski would think Sales Trainers through Zoom make the Post Office seem like an attractive alternative.

Headhunter Writer knows he’s louder than Busta Rhymes at a midnight showing of Higher Learning. 

Headhunter Writer knows that anyone who uses the word crushing is blah breath lame. 

Headhunter Writer knows that HR or Talent Acquisition Managers don’t have a writer’s ego. That’s why their job descriptions blow. 

Headhunter Writer knows that he gets paid by being more aggressively houndish than the rest. 

Headhunter Writer knows it’s best to block out the sound of a dumpy accountant who gets her panties in a bunch whenever a giant dick in the office flexes his chest. 

Headhunter Writer knows a deal from the sound of a candidate over the phone. 

Either they care about impressing you, or their opportunity has flown.  

Headhunter Writer knows posts on LinkedIn about Personal growth are Fortune Cookie light. 

Headhunter Writer knows you either commit to improving or regress into an ineffectual, interchangeable player. 

Headhunter Writer knows that candidates respect creative expression. 

Or else they’re not getting back with exultations such as, “That’s the best job description ever written.” 

Headhunter Writers knows that his 9-year son already knows JavaScript. 

So don’t expect him to feel inferior in your presence ever again. 

Take a hike to a safe space retreat Zen. 

Headhunter Writer knows different sometimes sells. 

Does Developer Prodigy Who Played Carnegie Hall still ring a bell? 

Headhunter Writer knows he’s wasting his breath. 

Because waiving his freak flag on LinkedIn equals sporting a suicide bomber vest. 

Headhunter Writer knows that writing a killer job ad pitch is one part of the job. 

The rest is getting the right candidate to read it, which helps root out those touchy-feely, fake news high-brow snobs. 

Headhunter Writer knows a recession is here but also knows most companies are trimming the fat during his year without beer. 

Headhunter Writer knows that Michael Burns is the greatest recruiter who ever lived. 

He could sell 100 Grand Bars to a person with diabetes with only two weeks to live. 

Headhunter Writer knows cold calling, not writing, has made him the killer attack beast he is today. But in the end, what you sell gets the final say. 

Headhunter Writer knows that his personality-loaded prose never tires.

Headhunter Writer knows his hooky prose and killer attack instinct will lure your next great hire. 

Your Favorite Headhunter Writer, 

Joshua Kornbluth 

Hacker Hero

I want to get my wife pregnant by mistake again to name the kid Edward Snowden Kornbluth. His manifest destiny will be to break into Obama’s hard drive as a hacker for Truth Social after Trump pardons Jullian Assange in my dreams.

I tell my son to call his hacker program Joan Rivers Lives. After Obama’s harddrive reveals pics of Michelle, What’s Talent Got To Do With It, pissing on the ceiling fan moments before Trump’s inauguration.

Trump takes a tour of the Lincoln Bedroom and notices streams of piss sprayed across the ceiling fan and asks. “Melania, is this, what Michelle, What’s Talent Got To Do With It, meant when she he said, “When they go low, we aim high”?

Joan lives, Hacker Hero, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Avant-Garde Good

As a Headhunter Writer, it’s rare to desire a potential friendship with a candidate. My attitude is different this time because he’s a performance artist, a classically trained violinist turned Software Engineer who played at Carnegie Hall. So, I consider him a kindred spirit. Granted, I’ve only done 5 minutes of standup comedy at the Comedy Cellar, in comparison.

All obsessive, aspiring artists are treated like delusional hack breaths at one point in their life. Or been forced to endure passive-aggressive wails of, “It’s important to have a form of creative expression,” or similar lines of disparagement in their presence, such as the dreaded word “Hobby,” used to describe your life’s work that provides the greatest source of pride in your life. So yes, I’m going to take personal offense if somebody minimizes this kid’s artistic heft and heart-enriching wonderment on the Violin as a mere “hobby” after he sets the stage ablaze at Carnegie Hall, the way Lenny Bruce tore the house down during his historic show one blistering cold winter tonight on February 3, 1961, immortalized on wax forever.

That is before the omnipotent federal government decided to bankrupt Lenny into silence and deny him a living for pointing out shaky moral high grounds at large. Where have you gone, Lenny Bruce? That is what’s weighing on my mind today. Did you know Lincoln jailed journalists who spoke out against his war to crush state rights permanently? He confiscated firearms and property and jailed anyone that disagreed with his rule of tyranny. England had ended slavery peacefully too. I’m so red-hot pissed today; I want to get a Confederate flag tattoo and say, “Fuck you, Dad, I don’t want to be buried in a Jewish cemetery anymore. I’m a Jew for Jesus now. Because even Jesus would have a hard time forgiving the unnecessary slaughter of 600,000 plus Americans, more than all our major wars combined, just so Yankee Bankers could impose their military-industrial complex on anybody whenever they wanted in addition to printing money at will, they even taught secession to West Point cadets back in the day.

So much for this post being LinkedIn-ready appropriate anymore. Time for an impersonation; this is an impression of Dr. Dre discussing the LinkedIn merger with Eminem. “Hey Slim, Microsoft paid 4.5 billion for LinkedIn. Worrrrrrddddd. LinkedIn is lamer than ever, you.”

Oh yeah, and Lincoln didn’t end slavery. Confederate Generals like Stonewall Jackson taught reading and writing to the enslaved Black people during Sunday School, and Robert E Lee possessed a higher opinion of African American capacity for betterment than elitist banker licking Abe ever did.

Now, my candidate has been working as a Software Engineer for a major media company at odds with Dominion allegedly, who boasts an A Plus rating on GitHub, which is a portfolio site of code judged by fellow nerds. Think Reddit plus 1000 IQ points minus the creepy broken English undertow vibe.

Understand, this kid is a Julliard grad, like freaking Robin Williams. Miles Davis is by far the most famous Julliard grad of all time, who decided to trail Bird everywhere, that being Charlie Parker, and learn under his tutelage rather than learn Jazz from a professor who grew up in the snuggle soft confines of Scarsdale, NY. Granted, Miles Davis came from money; his father was a big-time dentist in St. Louis who owned his practice, but still. You have to admire Mile’s commitment to artistic integrity, willingness to take experimental chances with his art, and wanting to learn from a one-person wind farm in Bird, who blew all his peers off the stage in a tsunami of soul-splintering sound around midnight when his blowpipes just stared to get warmed up. Avant-Garde Good, Challah. Thank you very much.

I’ve met this candidate only once, but after watching this kid play his heart out on the Violin on the Carnegie Hall stage through YouTube, I became an instantaneous fan of his for life. This kid vibrates earth-shaking talent up the wazoo. Suddenly, I had a new mission in my life. Take a time out with my art of comedy record creation and get this kid a new work family that cares about celebrated working artists as much as I do. This kid played freaking Carnegie Hall; he’s got a master’s in musical performing arts and is a Juilliard grad. So, when he started, did he envision banging out code as an alternative backup plan for a living? And Bill Hicks contemplated applying for a marketing associate intern position at Proctor and Gamble if his standup comedy career never materialized into a profitable trade.

My point is I can relate. I wasn’t planning on working as an IT Headhunter Writer after my TV writing break with America’s Hard 100 on VH1 Classic. I should’ve been in the WGA 7 years ago before I wrote The Great American Jew Novel, which Dianne Sullivan from the Midwest Book Review described as a “hilarious exploration of NY Comedy and culture.” In short, I’m a total hack breath; that’s no better than the rest if I can’t convince a hiring manager in NYC to give this kid a shot to prove what he’s got.

So far, my email headline in his honor that I’ve been blasting hiring managers with throughout NYC through email addresses listed on Zoom Info has netted goonish, meaning 0.0 replies. That headliner hooker to nowhere being, dramatic drum roll please, “Developer Prodigy Who Played Carnegie Hall.” Are these Engineering Directors for Startup Nation feeling like an ineffectual hackling in his presence already?

Because folks, sometimes people don’t want to hire younger, smarter, faster, more creative, and impressive workers who make them look vastly overpaid and overrated in comparison. So yes, I will proclaim loud and proud on your incoming voicemail, “Joe, Joshua Kornbluth, Human Edge. I’m calling you about a developer prodigy who played at Carnegie Hall. What have you done with your life lately? Did I mention his A Plus rating on GitHub yet? Or that he’s a Juilliard grad yet? Or is he the steal of the century for 140K compared to his blah-breathed, uninspired peers? He’s Avant-Garde Good. #WinnerAtWork., Get him while you can.” Janis Joplin lives, Avant-Garde Good, Challah. Thank you very much.

Was that too boastfully long for your tastes? I don’t care. As Jon Bon Jovi sings, “You’ve got to make your breaks,” and it’s a more emotionally charged ride when you’re creating urgent buzz around a star software engineer that I’ll get a better job for because fresher is better, one way or another. Pat Benatar lives, and so does my killer gender-fluid flow. Avant-Garde Good, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Chopping Block Blues

Has Obama given any Ramadan shout outs on LinkedIn yet?

Does he have to clear the plug-in front of his in-house Arabian horse whisperer Valerie Jarrett first?

So, Valerie what do you think of the hashtag, “HackingHymensAreUs?

Or is that too extremist for the Muslim Brotherhood’s tastes?

Can I accuse our prophet of culturally appropriating Lent?

But adding the fast during the day thing to root out the Infidel moderate Muslims in our midst?

Do you think Congress would’ve dared to impeach me if they caught Baby Face Omar in Minnesota emailing me for fasting tips on Ramadan in the face of her staffers eating so many wings in front of her during March Madness at

For Ramadan do you think Kamala Harris abstains from kicking her kick the can clit around the oval office whenever Hair Plugs Sniffer is around mulling over whether Jill sucks dick for bitcoin on the downlow at Hotel Dupont during the weekends after pooping out at hard 7 again?

What do you think Dave Chappelle does throughout Ramadan Valerie? Abstain from licking R. Kelly’s ass in his latest and greatest comedy special for Netflix? During Ramadan does Dave refrain from calling R. Kelly, the black Elvis with weaker bladder control in his act?

What do you think Trumpy Poo Tits does during Ramadan Valerie? Burn a printed-out version of my fake news social security card from Darian, CT?

Have you heard this impression yet Valerie? This is Corey Booker flirting with Rosario backstage at the Source Awards? Was it you or Chole Sevigny who died of Aids in the movie Kids? Just playing, in the end, that white bitch didn’t feel so privileged after all.

Finally, Valerie interjects.

What does Michelle do during Ramadan Barack? Pal around with Ellen at her compound in Santa Barbara with W over games of Operation, Gender Reassignment Edition? I know Ellen is pro bush, but admitting to being pals with W is a tad weird, don’t you think Barack? I mean I hate Trumpy Poo Tits to for what had our military do to ISIS. After you rebranded them ISIL, so they’d sound more startup friendly in the NY Times. But seriously Barack, what do Ellen, and Michelle do on a Saturday night together, when you’re busy ignoring Jussie Smollett’s texts again? Do they howl with perverse delight, as W paints another watercolor print of Portia De Rossi having her white privilege laden clit being hacked off for Sharia Law Appreciation Month? Have you told Groping Biden; I mean Mr. Groper to make that an official holiday yet? So, put down the crack pipe already Barack? You look more cracked out skinny than Dana Plato after tanning in Aruba.

Barack replies.

Fuck you Valerie.

I can come up with my own Ramadan plug to post on LinkedIn.

I don’t need to clear it with you first, you she camel ape.

Stick to the BLM thing kiddo. hashtag, Thug Lives Matter Most, that sort of thing.

Accuse Turbo Tax of being culturally biased software, which you’re Obama Be Good lickers left in Silicon Valley will lick up.

Assuming, they’ve recouped their losses since the US dollar has become more depressed than Sharon Stone’s snatch on the chopping block during Sharia Law appreciation month at a charity gala in Brentwood to raise funds for her latest passion doc project with Breitbart, “Will Flash for Bitcoin.”

Chopping Block Blues, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Wimp Heaven

I wonder if Kevin Smith used a Fountain Pen with red ink when he got hired on the down low to rewrite Good Will Hunting. I know only Seinfeld is allowed to crack wise. Interesting fact, Walt Disney preferred tobacco brown ink, over black. You don’t say? According to Walt, black ink didn’t give much texture to each stroke. Wasn’t the Constitution written in black ink? I know ancient, outdated relic of yesteryear, totally get it. But black ink doesn’t give much texture to each stroke? Ice Cube, feel free to chime in anytime you want, anyone out there, Mueller, Mueller. But Walt Disney only favored tobacco brown over black ink for mere aesthetic reasons only. Sure, and bug on stick trucks in Davos this year won’t clean up. Black ink doesn’t give as much texture to each stroke. Tell that to Ice Cube’s Raider’s gear in the eighties. Even today, those throwback Raiders jerseys exude more layered in your face attitude than Tony Gwynn in Padres pinstripes ever did is all I’m saying. Wimp Heaven lives, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth