No More Bud Troubles

Old roommate in LA says, “I think you smoke too much weed because you have no friends out here.” Dan did have a point. The psychoactive green did keep my pangs of deep rooted loneliness at bay over TV showings of the Howard Stern Show on E before he became weird, weak, woke, Howard and started his non-stop apology tour for being the egotistical prick he always was to ensure he still got invited to Jimmy Kimmel’s house for more 2 bite Chicken Parm dinners. 

My ex-girlfriend and TV spec script writing partner who became my roommate soon after encouraged me to take an overdue break from the weed to unleash my full expressive potential, so I could get paid as a funny man freak on a leash writer who would become a proud member of the WGA one day. We wrote TV spec scripts together for shows such as Curb Your Enthusiasm, my favorite spec being the one I wrote without her called Passion Of Schmendel, during one my purifications off the weed, because according to my psychic in West Hollywood, my Chakras were more clogged than my freshman one hitter. I wrote the TV spec script before I learned the national weed holiday 4/20 is actually Hitler’s birthday to, which at the time, made me feel more betrayed than when I learned Sylvester Stallone snuck Mel Gibson into Expendables 3. 

My former life of being an abusive, live to binge pothead, caused me more friendship bud troubles, than I’d like to admit, until I became a semi-functioning IT Headhunter when I was 22 years old in LA, paying rent on my own finally, so I didn’t feel too much like a sheltered bum anymore. Developing a love for comedic storytelling and joke writing along the way, has given me a sturdier sense of self for almost 2 decades now, as I keep chipping away at the stone, to unearth more sheets of comedy gold to take an eventual victory lap in a comedy gold mobile of my own.  

I finally made more than a stoner bud, when I met Jay from LA at an IT staffing firm in Century City where I did new business development and recruitment, cold calling decision makers twice my age 10 hours a day like a poor man’s Vin Diesel in Boiler Room. We started to become more than buds after Jay from LA urged me to leave my writing partner girlfriend who I was living with at the time, because he could tell from my sigh heavy veneer, whenever she’d call me at work, that she was sucking my life force dry man. Plus, Jay encouraged me to leave our current company and go work with him at his old IT staffing firm, which he regretted leaving already, located in the more idyllic, Beach Boys music magic making area of Manhattan Beach in Southern California and we’ve been more than stoner buds ever since. We eventually became roommates in Sherman Oaks in the valley, during my 1st year of zero laugh generation open mike stand up, when I’d open with jokes such as, “I’m so broke, my Hebrew name is under judicial review.” I can’t even stare at an actress on Melrose without being fined for insufficient funds.” During our roommate stint together, I got on the show Blind Date, yet all I got out of the show was a free meal and Herpes. 

After I self-published my 1st 2 books, Controlling My Kids With Comedy, A Love Story, and Do It All Dad Does Jokes, I called Jay and told him I wanted to celebrate in style by seeing Aerosmith belt out Chip Away At The Stone together in Vegas, because that’s what I wanted to do, which he got us primo tickets for, making it top priority of the summer.

So, what’s my message for the youth today, to help preserve their special spark? First, don’t smoke weed in high school because your brains aren’t fully developed yet. Plus, we’re not all productive stoners on the sacramental herb that grew on King Solomon’s grave, the way rude boy Bob Marely was on it. Now, when you’re done with college and been at a job for more than year without getting fired, feel free to reward yourself with a one hitter of the herb, which is easier to enjoy paranoid free, once your identity is more fully formed on top of you having a more fleshed out idea about what you’d like to dedicate your life towards, besides recreating the stony induced giggles from the watching the Dark Crystal on sprayed weed from the Bronx that tastes like Windex. Also, it’s much more rewarding in life to be a creator innovator of some kind than being another stale sounding, consumer critic on the rag like the rest. Last, don’t let your scrumptious green inhalation become an all-consuming life suck, which prevents you from getting out into the real world to develop longer lasting, life enriching friendships compared to stoner buds from high school or in college, which easily fade away.

I love my friend Jay from LA for deriving endless joy from my rising comedic mojo and for never urging me to tone down my highly inappropriate edge, where I act like the entire world outside the house is an open mike to sample material on and kill loudly with. The same friend who reviewed my pre-election audio book comedy special, Resist This on Kobo without me ever asking him to do, after walking in on me rehearsing awful attempts at jokes in front of the mirror 15 years prior back in our old bachelor pad in Sherman Oaks, California during my 1st year of zero laugh generation open mike stand up,  which makes Jay from LA much more than a stoner bud to me.   

Michael Kornbluth 

Obama Be Meh

Eddie Van Halen dies and David Crosby in his most understated, Garfield ballooning in the yard, yawningly boring way, while still pining for the days when Hendrix used to blow his mind so hard, tweets, “Meh.” Because baby boomer arrogance never dies, and David Crosby is the lamest, least rocking, most overrated fake news hippie of the pack.

The most annoyingly gnawing problem with balding, pony tailed, fake news hippies like David Crosby and George Carlin who viewed tsunamis on CNN as must see entertainment towards the end of his illustrious stand-up comedy career against his dying of the light, is their perpetually bitchy, dissing disposition as if they were the Vietnam vets who got spit on main street back home or the starving no name, burnout casualties of the acid rock era in the sixties, who were reduced to eating stray cats to stay alive throughout the acid crazed streets of San Francisco.  

Plus, how can any member of Gen X not be enraged by the glaring non-stop, crosstown traffic hypocrisy exhibited by fake news hippies at nauseum, by whole heartedly endorsing the endlessly divisive, on air drivel out of NPR, whenever another zero gravitas exuding political pundit questions the mental health of President Trump compared to the non-stop jilted hysteria of Nancy Denture Beath Pelosi, who thinks she’s  the one glowing with a divine blessed spark, as she tears up the President’s State Of The Union speech on live TV, looking like the tweaked out grannie from Requiem for Dream in Armani.   

My parents are guilty of being fake news hippies to, for living in Scottsdale, Arizona for the past 9 years and not once visiting the Grand Canyon, which doesn’t require a hit of Acid to invoke the haunting presence of an older than Earth God, man. You also know you’re a fake news hippie, when you call the President an idiot like David Crosby did, when you’re the one who became a white privileged freebase junkie alcoholic wacko who makes Hunter Biden look like a serial underachiever in comparison. President Trump is smart enough to not suck off Obama Be Meh till his last dying breath, knowing his predecessor’s major foreign policy accomplishment was rebranding ISIS, ISIL, so they’d sound more startup friendly in the NY Times.

This is my impression of President Trump debating Greta Thunberg on the threat of climate change being a more imminent disaster in the making than Obama Be Meh gifting Iran 150 billion dollars to finance more worldwide terror on par with the making of the second Death Star in The Empire Strikes Back. President Trump says, “Greta, fracking reduces our Co2 emissions.” Greta freaks out immediately and says, “So Neil Young is full of shit now?” President Trump says, “Neil Young doesn’t believe in taking showers to reduce his carbon footprint. So that much you share in common babe.” Also, you’re a fake news hippie if you grew up in the age of free love before Magic made HIV disappear and have the gaul to judge your former bandmate Neil Young for leaving his wife of 35 years to date Daryl Hannah because he’s going through a post mid-life never banged a Mermaid crisis.

In the new Cameron Crowe doc about David Crosby, Remember My Name, you learn that not one of his former bandmates from CSNY have anything to do with him now because of his tendency to belittle his former brothers in arms who helped bless him with the most high end hippiedom lifestyle possible before going to jail and almost squandering it all to freebase more coke. And I thought Hunter Biden was a spoiled, ungrateful degenerate, who got paid 50 grand a month by an energy company in the Ukraine he thought was selling Borscht as the new Kombucha.

President Trump is the most anti-war President of all time, who hasn’t gotten us involved in any military entanglements or wars under his watch, unlike Nixon or W, so drop some more CBD, overrated, fake news hippie boomers.

President Trump has authorized his Orthodox Jewish son-in-law Jared Kushner, I know total Nazi, to normalize relations between Israel and various Arab neighbors like The United Arab of Emirates and Bahrain in less time it takes Jared to burst with joy with Ivanka talking dirty to him in Mandarin again. So President Trump actually deserves the Nobel Peace Prize compared to fake news hippies like Obama Be Good who just nuke gifted Iran, let ISIS run wild and weaponized our intelligence agencies by getting them to spy on the Trump campaign through the ridiculous granting of FISA warrants to do so, based on a paid for, planted story from the DNC about Russian collusion with less legs than Lieutenant Dan.    

Plus, you’re also a fake news hippie, if you condemn the Kent State shootings in a song, but not the shooting of a peaceful, Trump supporter by a member of ANTIFA in Portlandia during this past summer of love. Last, President Trump has never done a bump of coke or had a drink of alcohol in his life, so let’s stop acting like overrated fake news new hippies like David Crosby are such alleged stable geniuses in comparison for acting like his life is flush was one smart decision after another. And if Obama Be Meh was blessed with such a beautiful, all knowing mind, then why did he let his daughter, Malia intern for Miramax exactly? Imagine that conversation during Thanksgiving this year. Obama says, “Malia, what’s wrong?  You barely touched your Tofurky.” Malia says, “All my woke friend’s at Harvard don’t know why you let me intern for Harvey Weinstein at Miramax dad.” Obama says, “Quit bugging Malia. Michelle was your chaperone on the set of Girls and that fat Jew couldn’t pin down Michelle if he tried. But I still don’t know what Hillary was thinking hiring Lena Dunham as her Social Media Community Manager. Only Lena Dunham could make Hillary less likeable and relatable in one blubbery swoop.”

Michael Kornbluth

False God Worship Gone Wild

Jeremiah 2:13 “My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water and have dug their cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water.”

Before I light the Shabbat Candles, my 9-year old daughter asks me, “Daddy, what’s the difference between Reformed and Conservative. I say, “In America, Conservative Jews don’t slovenly worship false idols like Bruce Springsteen, Larry David or NBA ruining divas such as Lebron James, otherwise known as King Of The Persecution Complex.  Nor do Conservative Jews in America insist on idolizing false Gods like Obama. Despite Obama Be Meh sounding like a bumbling, fake news deep, poor man’s Bob Marely off the teleprompter without the aid of his former speechwriter Ben Rhodes helping him sell the world on why we must trust Iran to honor their nuke building timeout commitment, regardless of Iran’s well-earned killer reputation as the biggest, financier of worldwide terror until the new budget year kicked in for the Empire, to rebuild the Death Star again.”

I support the Conservative Jewish branch of Judaism’s compromised concessions to make their houses of worship more inclusive over the years in America. For example, I’m all for the Conservative branch of Judaism in America finally accepting non-Jews into their congregation, which only started in 2017. Plus, I don’t think Conservative Rabbis officiating intermarriages is the worst thing in the world, if the Jewish man like myself got married to a gentile, even if she refused to convert on the behalf of my putz embedded DNA, if it was still kosher for us to raise our eventual kids under the Jewish faith.

But I certainly don’t see the need for the Conservative Jewish movement in the US to exert any more effort to placate the so-called tolerant sensibilities among the doxing, post woke, editorial board of the NY Times these days either. The same NY Times who bends over backwards to provide real hate speech op-ed forums for Minnesota congressional rep Omar, who claims Uncle Sam’s support of Israel is purely about the Benjamins. Because Jews control the Federal Reserve and all the banks in the North Pole to. How did Baby Face Omar acknowledge the anniversary of Amy Winehouse’s death on Twitter this year? Did she tweet, “Something happened, to a horn hiding Jazz singer who exploited the great Palestinian Songbook for all it was worth?”

How can a God-fearing Jew be giddy at the prospect of enrolling their kids in a Reform Hebrew Schools today, knowing their identity politics obsessed Rabbis openly support the practice of sanctuary cities? Whose policy is to rerelease convicted murders and rapists back into our streets as soon as we catch them? The same reform Rabbis who aren’t calling out ANTIFA for being new age Nazi Stormtroopers in black hoodies on the loose, codded by progressive District Attorney’s and progressive city mayors, who instruct their police squads to stand down as their fellow cops are being blinded by lasers as their cop precincts are being burnt to the ground in the name of peaceful, social righting justice, allegedly.

At the same time, how you can stomach one more Zoom service with a Reform Synagogue knowing the same Reformed Jewish Rabbi there has perpetually sold the easily debunked lie of white nationalists being responsible for causing all the massive unrest during this past summer of love? Which resulted in David Dorn, a retired police officer in St. Louis getting murdered while trying to defend his friend’s store, only for his horrific death to be live streamed on Facebook for his entire family to see in real time, which is as terrifyingly real as it gets.

How many of these woke Reformed Jewish Rabbis in America today ever denounced Jussie Smollett? After he almost inciting a nationwide race war in one not so smooth swoop? How can you be a patriotic Jewish, family man today, and be enthralled with the idea of attending more Zoom synagogue services with a Reform Rabbi, whose never disavowed Kamala Harris for encouraging other celebs to post bail for violent rioters arsonists at large? How can a Jewish father in America today in good conscience send his kids to a Reformed Synagogue today, who doesn’t condemn AOC for her grotesque trivialization of the Holocaust by comparing our border detention facilities with centralized AC to real life concentration camps like Auschwitz?

For the past 3 plus years, Hollywood, Academia, Big Tech, post woke Corporate America and the NY Times have done everything in their power to smear shame Trump supporters into cowering silence through branding all of their Obama smack talk as “hate speech”. They’ve been more than complicit in absolving any blame on the instigation of the Coronavirus from China, scrubbed any medical professional videos on YouTube which encourage the reopening the schools, promote the effectiveness of hydroxychloroquine or cite medical journals which prove masks don’t provide guaranteed immunity from the Kung Fu fighting virus either.

Kayne West sports a MAGA hat in the White House and he’s branded by the media mob online and off as “crazy”, because it exposes the idiotic fallacy behind the fake news assertion of a MAGA hat being the equivalent of a Klan hoodie today, knowing real life skinheads have nothing to hide. I’m supposed to believe the same 64 million plus Americans who voted for Obama twice, are in the midst of born again, white supremacist crisis? It doesn’t mater, we all know anyone for the past 3 plus years whose dared to wear a MAGA in public is inviting non stop verbal harassment or the highly likely possibility of being physically assaulted even if you’re one of the real life Golden Girls, who Cuomo hasn’t killed off yet to make POTUS look bad. The same attack dog, compassionate culture at the Huffington Post, which has never been condemned the act of doxing the personal information of ICE agents because the preservation of homeland security was so weapons of mass destruction years. Did Vox or Buzzfeed ever condemn the doxing of Tucker Carlson’s house in D.C, which lead to a group of ANTIFA thugs, trying to knock down the door to his house, with his wife home alone as she cowered in the closet among of sea of stinky gym socks from Vineyard Vines, as she called 911 in abject horror to come save her? But the NY Times maintains the moral high ground and special glint of divinity by doxing the home addresses of Ecuadorian immigrants who were supposed to be quoted off the record when asked about MS-13.

POTUS passing prison reform, getting Nobel Peace Prize nominations for normalizing relations between Arab nations and Israel or taking Dennis Rodman’s calls to congratulate him on getting Kim Jong to cut out his nuke carrying, ballistic missile stress tests is promoting hate crimes against Muslims and Jews? Sure, and the Catholic Church has bent over backwards to punish pedophilia within its ranks through peacefully transferring them to another parish in an endless, innocuous game of musical chairs. Don’t you get it Trump supporters , if you don’t submit your right to freedom of speech in the service of sucking off Obama’s fake news good hued legacy till your last dying breath, you’ll be doxed, fired from your job and be branded as an eternally unredeemable racists deplorable piece of shit for ever daring to question the all knowing authority of Big Tech nerds and partisan media hacks as they purport to be with all their blustery, bitchy might to be the ultimate arbitrator of good versus evil, even more so than the all mighty Lord himself.

Last, trying to prop up Obama’s so called stellar leadership in the Middle East, especially after he rebranded ISIS, ISIL, so they’d sound more startup friendly in the NY Times doesn’t bend the moral arc of goodness in your favor CNN, sorry. And siding with the Holocaust trivializing squad ad nauseam NY Times, doesn’t fulfill God’s idea of us perfecting the world he gave us to perfect, in a false God worshiping, post woke world gone wild.

Michael Kornbluth

Love My Blog, Would Love A Book Review

Dear Fans,

The Great American Jew Novel is finally available in old school book form.  I trimmed the fat, which detracted from the thrust of my plot long time.  You can consume the book in one inhaling easy.  I’d love reviews in exchange for a signed a copy, which will be worth big bucks someday. The meatier offering version of The Great American Jew Novel, loaded with more mouthfuls of hilarity is available on Audible, for those who require an occasional breather from time to time.  Have I sexualized my books enough for your tastes yet?

https://www.amazon.com/The-Great-American-Jew-Novel/dp/B08D53JB8B

Email me anytime for a complimentary book request on the house at doitalldadyear@outlook.com.  I blogged the Great American Jew Novel into existence under the Corona lockdown of 2020 through the grace of God and his sustained belief in me rising to the occasion.  I also wouldn’t haven written this book with such extreme gusto without the sustained interest of all you hardcore WordPress fans throughout every new chapter post I made. My daughter Matilda, inspiring me to write a mini star vehicle in her honor and entertaining her 2 younger brothers with creative play while I banged out my 1st semi-autobiographical novel on the cusp of my 44th birthday helped long time to, despite the last thing my wife wanted to hear was that I was writing another book again.

Thanks for making me a big dreamer doer again, WordPress fans at large. My Do It All Dad Year Podcast, this blog and past 4 books wouldn’t have possible without you being the best open mike audience God has blessed with me outside of my 3 biggest fans in the universe on the stay at home comedian front, no offense.  Also, thanks again to my old school Twitter peeps, for all your past retweet joke love, which helped give me the confidence to take down all the big dogs in comedy throughout my pre-election comedy special Resist This book. You’re the best to.

Last, on Yelp they don’t call me Michael the Emoter Kornbluth for nothing. So, I’d have zero problem reviewing any of your books in exchange for a review of The Great American Jew Novel or for Resist This, only 60 plus pages, available in print form now to.

My Very Best,

Michael Kornbluth

 

The Balling Basingers

Hailey Baldwin stars in Levi’s 2020 voting campaign. Whatever it takes to revive Alex Baldwin’s sagging sense of purpose, since the blue balls Mueller Report dropped. Imagine her mother Kim Basinger winning another Oscar for the remake of a Coal Miner’s Daughter, where she actually works in the coal mines themselves before becoming a country music star. Trump tweets: I made Kim Basinger great again, even with a bunch of shit on her face.

Michael Kornbluth

Tit for Twat

Hillary claiming half of her destroyed emails as Secretary of State were yoga-related is a stretch. The other 15,000 emails detailed funeral arrangements in the woods,  if Chelsea Clinton’s fiance decided to increase his asking price before walking down the aisle at the last second.  My wife says it’s sexist to make fun of Chelsea Clinton but she’s not ugly anymore. Plus, I think Alyssa Milano  is a nasty Twitter Twat 2.

Michael Kornbluth

Nasty As Twitter Allows Me To Be

Hillary claiming half of her destroyed emails as Secretary of State were yoga-related is a stretch. The other 15,000 emails detailed funeral arrangements in the woods,  if Chelsea Clinton’s fiance decided to increase his asking price before walking down the aisle at the last second.  My wife says it’s sexist to make fun of Chelsea Clinton but she’s not ugly anymore. Plus, I think Alyssa Milano  is a nasty Twitter Twat 2.

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

Bank on Bette Getting Dem Ol’ Blues

Joe Biden calling the Democratic Party a unifying force is like calling the Clinton Foundation a charity for others. And Julia Louis Dreyfus could’ve been Joan Rivers if she stuck to Stand-Up. While were at it, let’s accuse President Trump of being a non discriminatory horn dog like Bill, whose allergic to high end trim. Next, still your President Trump through 2024, will give the Presidential Medal of Freedom to Bette Midler for her contribution to making Drag Queen Reading Hour great again, inspiring Drag Queens to show their faces in public during broad daylight under incredibly unforgiving fluorescent library lights, knowing Dolly Parton impersonaters don’t look as flattering without wearing such heavy makeup. If President Trump, feels more than generous than usual, he’ll even invite the Chipmunk Chucker from Golden State and the rest his family to the White House for his post inauguration winning ball, after he wins the popular vote and the electoral this time, to prove that Ray Allen light, in the clutch department to, should’ve left his fake news persecuted existence, being a son of NBA royalty back in San Francisco, where Janis got out when the getting was good. So, cry, cry baby.

Michael Kornbluth

Historic Landslide Coming

The only thing historic about Obama is his refusal to honor the White House of traditions past because they’re culturally biased I’m assuming, by continuing to run his mouth about how President Trump winning an election fair and square is an attack on Democracy, despite his administration being caught illegally spying on Trump’s campaign in 2016 because he’s slipping, falling and can’t shut up.

mMichael Kornbluth

A Stolen Suicide Note Is Better Than None

Robin Williams spent a career stealing bits, taking them higher, and paying those comics he stole from in the 1st place as a form of last minute compensation to assuage their frowning souls for making their material shine way brighter than they ever did, regardless if they killed at the Comedy Store after Louie Anderson or not. So, is it too much to expect Robin Williams, as self-centered as comedians are, to leave his daughter a suicide note to explain why her love wasn’t enough to keep him hanging on?  Not even Billy Crystal could offer me comic relief in the end, even after sampling some new racy material on me about how Billy loves black guys because they don’t discriminate against pussy, unless they get cold feet at the last minute and have to go down on Whoopie under her table spot at the View, even he if just lost a bet to Suge Knight before getting released from the can, that sort of thing.

Losing your memory is super scary but for man of his high intelligence and developed emotional empathy for being born an only child, left to play army figures by himself, who also played Peter fucking Pan for a living for 20 Million bucks. So couldn’t have Robin willed a way to summon some old time Improv magic after making the decision to kill himself and then say out loud to himself, “Yes, killing myself is the only way out of this crippling despair but 1st  remember to love your daughter enough to write her a fucking suicide note, stolen from a Kurt Cobain lyric on Nirvana Unplugged or not.  Make her a Youtube video dressing up like Mrs. Doubtfire singing Jesus Doesn’t Want Me for Sunbeam, anything.”

I know, towards the end, Robin Williams struggled to remember his lines as Teddy Roosevelt on the set of Night At The Museum such as, “Why doesn’t anybody charge DMX of cultural appropriation for thugging up the rough rider brand for all it was worth.”  I get it, for an extended period of time, Robin Williams was used to being the funniest man alive, who never suffered from speechless, dull man disease.  I just feel for bad for his daughter Zelda, who has to take a break from social media on the anniversary of her father’s suicide every year, because she’s emotionally drained from all the effusive, fan mail she receives in her dead dad’s honor, describing all the wonderful memories her dead dad, provided millions of strangers, as she strains to conjure up many loving memories left without her heart punctured heart, thinking, “I’m glad my dad made your life so much happier, than your own dad could. But here’s a concept, ease up on sucking off the spirit of my dead dad during the anniversary of his death every year, knowing Patch Adams would’ve provided me with some modicum of closure, if he didn’t make it all about him again and left me a suicide note that said, 13 reasons, I don’t want to leave this world yet, regardless if I’m not the shining comedy star I used to be or not,  Zelda, Zelda, Zelda, Zelda, Zelda, Zelda, Zelda, Zelda, Zelda, Zelda, Zelda, Zelda, Zelda.

Michael Kornbluth