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Sketchy Screener Test
Text a picture of a Hannukah mug your son created using oil pastels that could be sold in the MOMA gift shop easy. And you either A) Don’t acknowledge the creative genius at work B) Pretend you didn’t know the mini masterpiece came from your creatively jacked son or C) Act as if you never received the text afterwards because you’re not getting texts from Android devices allegedly or D) Fail to suck of the totality of its awesomeness after you acknowledge how the second follow text went through or E) Only muster a blandish, all your kids are special reply after hounding for a reply of any kind prior. It means, you passed the Godless Cunt test with flying colors.
Michael Kornbluth
Punchlines on Fire
Planned Parenthood has a sex ed book out, In Case You’re Curious. One of the earlier chapters is, Is 12 too young to know I’m bi? Doesn’t that depend on how many puberty blockers you took? So, mom has the gay best friend she never had.
Planned Parenthood also a sex ed book out, In Case You’re Curious. One of the earlier chapters is, Can You Die From Masturbating Too Much? My advice to my kids. It doesn’t hurt trying, after you outgrow your sweaty sex period, which only lasts 3 months max anyway.
Planned Parenthood has a sex ed book out now, called, In Case You’re Curious. Reminds me of my graphic novel Bi-Curious George, for sexually confused hipster spawn reared on Lou Reed records in Bushwick.
Carl Lewis was a vegetarian,, so was Edwin Moses. Still not enough protein? You over the hill, hipster hack.
How is the border wall racist Bernie? I didn’t know walls could be accused of hate speech now. Are you calling the wall racist because our US military is building it, despite most of the men in the armed forces being men of color, blowhard breath? Ban ICE Bernie? Because homeland security, was so weapons of mass destruction years. Joan lives.
INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON
Do It All Dad
How is England considering Jeremy Corbyn as your next Prime Minister? He plugged Hamas on Iranian TV as brothers in arms. And I thought France, Germany and Switzerland were in dire straits.
INT. COFFEE SHOP
Random Woman
Does your light-saber light up?
Son
It’s a light-saber.
Do It All Dad
It’s self explanatory babe. Wax your face hair, and maybe my son’s light-saber will brighten up in your presence.
INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON
Do It All Dad
The Church of England is so desperate to fill it’s empty seats, some parishes are setting up pop up mini golf outside the Church grounds. I’m sure that move isn’t raising eyebrows, trying to lure kids back into church through mini-golf to drain more balls than Elton John again.
How can you respect the news media knowing they protected the likes of Harvey Hair Clumps Weinstein and Epstein as if their meal tickets depended on it? Despite their insistence on being heroes to the American people, who give Bubba a pass.
INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON
Do It All Dad
How is England considering Jeremy Corbyn as your next Prime Minister? He called Hamas brothers on Iranian TV the way I call black guys in New York with affection, who love old school Nasty Nas.
INT. Home
Jimmy Kimmel
Who cares if ABC didn’t run the Epstein story? Fanatical Trump supporters are the ones more obsessed with pedophilia than the Democrats.
Wife
You don’t want to do stand up in middle America for a living, I get it Jimmy
INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON
Do It All Dad
Just 1 in 5 people in Britain say the Bible is irrelevant to them. How hard is Ricky Gervais right now? Not even Steve Carrel on the Teli, advertising his latest 100 million blockbuster can bring it down.
Jimmy Kimmel tensing. Poll says, herpes can beat Trump in the 2020. In other words, he expects Trump to reemerge triumphant, as a scarring reminder of how limited the powers of introspection are for a hick comic from Vegas. Weird, weak Howard sucks to.
It’s an insult to call Greg Giraldo a great roaster. No it isn’t. True standup is a punchline sprint, not a meandering, act out with your hands with no hard punchlines in sight like Dane Cook for the past 15 years and counting. Greg Giraldo was Tommy Hearns.
Michael Kornbluth
Boy Band Blues
I only want to smell my daughter’s natural scent, Strawberrys. Any other scent on her is forced weird like herbed shampoo made from Hemp I’m assuming, which is Indigo Girls skinny dipping gross. Understand, I don’t have a problem with my daughter becoming a lesbian because she’ll be immune from getting Aids. Which is a relief, knowing how she can take a licking and keep on ticking. Don Draper, I fucked him, I can’t take no more. Dice lives, Challah. Thank you very much. Understand my daughter is 11 years old in case you’re wondering why you haven’t puked up your Linguini in a white wine clam sauce yet. But now my daughter wears Jessica Simpson perfume, which ruins my 3-way fantasy with my wife once I score a standing room only residency in Vegas, for Do It All Dad Does Decadence. Prior, when my wife used to work nights, I’d be out in public with all 3 of my kid more often, which would prompt grown men to say, “You’ve got your hands full bro.” And I’d say, “If my book United We Laugh becomes a worldwide sensation, especially in France, resulting in my wife agreeing to an open marriage with Jessica Simpson, then my hands will be full.” Jessica’s Simpson’s perfume isn’t an exact replica of her sexy scrumptious scent inside. Still, I don’t want my daughter smelling like generic perfume for Walmart shoppers either. Perfume at 11? What’s next, my daughter checking at scented lube ambassadors on Late Night with Seth Meyers at 12, sponsored by genderfluidassholes.com? I finally confront my daughter and say, “Who are you wearing Jessica Simpson for again? Is there a metrosexual boy crooner in your class that I don’t know about?” Daughter says, “Chill out daddy, I just to feel girly wearing it the way you charge money we don’t have on a grey cashmere sweater from Banana Republic to feel more banger pretty yourself, no offense.” Plus, didn’t you always call Guido’s the original metrosexuals of their day? And I say, “Yeah, but Jessica Simpson perfume throws out a mommy muff vibe during a middle-aged crisis for brand diversification’s sake only. And you’re still only 11, who just got her breast buds yesterday, so can we call a time out on your full-blown blossoming into womanhood for age of innocence prolongment sake? Despite mommy insisting I should be relieved after proclaiming how you’re the last one to get breast buds in your 6th grade class, which prompted to me say, “Then, why haven’t your breast buds sprouted yet?” I add, “Plus, your predominant scent of strawberry’s isn’t some freak, random occurrence. It’s because Daddy sold a spleen to feed your habit of drinking only Strawberry Kaffir at Trader’s Joe’s from 1-4, so let’s get some more milage out of that imbibed scent, before you start getting dolled up for the next kid on the block intent on giving you the good stuff.” Where have you gone Strawberry Shortcake? Our country needs you. Boy Band Blues live, Challah. Thank you very much.
Michael Kornbluth
The Unholy Father
#TheUnholyFatherRecord
United We laugh
#UnitedWeLaughRecord
The Koshertarian Offensive
#TheKoshertarianOffensiveRecord
Gorgeousness Galore
Why have Jews written so many Christmas songs over Hannukah ones?
Because Adam Sandler wasn’t born yet.
Writing Heroin Hanukkah was a vein of humor not in Lou Reed after all.
Carole King was too busy playing wiggle toes with her cats.
Billy Joel didn’t marry Christie Brinkley because of her grandma’s brisket.
Because Adam Levine’s tatted up corpse can’t be buried in a Jewish cemetery.
Lenny Kravitz was too lit to care.
Ira Gershwin stuck to WASP placation.
Randy Newman was stuck in detached irony land.
Barry Manilow’s nose don’t play that.
Leonard Cohen wouldn’t be caught dead in a skull cap if his Unisex hat collection depended on it.
Beck was lost in thought at Griffth Park on extra strength opium.
Dylan converted to Jews for Super Jew Jesus.
Leonard Bernstein considered Gustav Mahler overblown gorgeousness.
Art Garfunkel would’ve been sued by the Christan Right for sounding too angelic rich for their tastes.
Paul Simon would’ve triggered Woody Allen if Lorne Michaels helped pen a funnier Happy Hannukah song than the golden Jew Adam Sandler.
Michael Kornbluth
My Favorite Pulitzer Prize Winners for Fiction
Like all prizes, the Pulitzers can be hit or miss. Luckily, there are some great books to be found on the winner list. Here are some of my favorites (in no particular order):
Less, by Andrew Sean Greer (2018)
This feels like a very refreshing choice because comic novels tend not to be taken seriously and because it does a deep dive into the life of a middle-aged gay man–which is something that can usually only operate on the perimeter of mainstream pop culture. Beyond that, it’s a very tender, heartfelt novel about love and life and art.
Interpreter of Maladies, by Jhumpa Lahiri (2000)
One thing I like about the Pulitzer Prize is that it gives short story collections a fair shake (in fact, a second short story collection was also a finalist for this year: Annie Proulx’s Close Range: Wyoming Stories). Lahiri’s writing is gorgeous…
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The Five Life Lessons Comedy Taught Me
This is great from start to finish.
When you tell people you perform comedy, they all say the same thing:
Tell me a joke.
Well, here’s the joke. The best communicators in the world aren’t the techy CEOs with the lengthy LinkedIn posts and the best life coaches aren’t the internet gurus who ask for your email before they ask for your name.
The best are the comics who’d rather study a dick joke than study to be a doctor.
That’s the joke.
Great comedians are master communicators and teachers. Armed only with their wit, words, and performance, they concur the world one audience at a time. When the show is over, we adore them for giving us nature’s best medicine… ̶m̶o̶r̶p̶h̶i̶n̶e̶. Laughter.
After five years of standup and a lifetime of appreciating the weird and witty, I’m convinced that not only has comedy taught me how to communicate more effectively, but it also taught me how…
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Do It All Dad Year Podcast Blog 