Final Do It All Dad Year Podcast ever, Do It All Dad Does London. Thank you WordPress peeps for making me the best comedian I can be.
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Do It All Dad Does Cherry Picking
INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON
Do It All Dad
I’m in London because my wife got tickets to see Bjork for her birthday. I wanted to see the Shrieking Seals personally.
You want to make a guy limp? Reference, “your husband”, and admit to only watching the Super Bowl for the commercials.
Bill and Hillary got booed at a Billy Joel show at MSG. Because Bill Joel’s greatest hits are prized as lullaby music for eighties Republicans.
The birthrate for NY is at an all time low. Lena’s Dunham’s encouraged frumpy look on Instagram isn’t helping. Overweight hipsters are also pulling out prematurely from excessive meat sweats.
How has my life changed since I became a Dad? Drinking alone is no longer an issue.
How has my life changed since I’ve become a dad? I don’t have panic attacks anymore. Now I’m a bigger believer in God knowing God didn’t give me 3 unplanned kids to have a panic attack over it. God didn’t have the same confidence in you obviously.
How has my life changed since I became a Dad? I’m no longer friends with my Dad on Facebook because since retiring to Scottsdale, Arizona, 3 grandchildren later, he doesn’t do the cold anymore. Now he just beats it to the Weather Channel. My dad’s tennis instructor in Arizona, claims, my dad’s forehand has never been stronger.
Who vapes in their thirties? My douche bag brother-in-law who took 7 years to never graduate college does. My brother in law is like Van Wilder minus the degree and rich Dad.
When the Lakers lose to the Clippers in the playoffs this year, Obama will be crushed. Consoling himself with a bunch of Almond Joys in his man cave in Martha’s Vineyard, hid behind the box of duct tape from Costco. Joan lives
Hillary wants to retire Trump. Wasn’t Hillary the out of touch, older than dirt windbag, who couldn’t even make it to Wisconsin to campaign for the founders of the Onion to push the fake news Russian collusion story on her behalf , also?
Hasbro, who also owns Barbie after buying Mattel just bought Death Row Records. That’s a smart PR move, knowing Snoop Dog’s brain hovers a notch below porn hood hell. Is Old E now, Ken’s ho sprayer of choice?
Hasbro just bought Death Row Records after merging with Mattel. The new CEO of Hasbro is a Trump follower on Twitter. The new mission statement for the company is F the PC Police. He offered Kayne West the job of Creative Play Officer.
Jumping the shark would be Hasbro renaming Lincoln Logs, over cries of racism. The CEO of Hasbro proposes renaming them Obama Logs. A Trump supporter executive interjects, “But in his youth, Obama studied the Koran under a tent in Kenya.”
20 minutes later, the bartender still hasn’t asked for my drink order. The sexy black sisters I was flirting with at the bar ask me, “What took so long?” I say, ” I’m white privilege incarnate. It’s the price I must pay for being 1st in line for everything.”
I think it’s great you’re still doing comedy at your age is a backhanded compliment. In other words, “It takes courage to pretend you’re funny enough to make it as a comedian, 2 decades after you wrote your 1st Friends spec script.”
If love is all you need Sir Paul, then why do I shove off my beautiful, fuss free son as a whole, whenever he crowds me too much on the couch again? I shouldn’t love old school Arliss episodes on HBO Go this much.
Michael Kornbluth
The Joke Machine Gunner
I love my new Trump voiced GPS system. Turn left for Mohegan Sun, Elizabeth Warren’s home away from home.
If Ronan Farrow is Frank Sinatra’s son, then why hasn’t he hired a hit man to knock Woody Allen on his ass yet?
Why am I gay about my abnormality? Because it’s fun to freak out grown men at Pizzeria’s in NY. Pizza guy says to my son, “Got ants in your pants?” I say, “How do you know my son isn’t a second guessing gerbalist?”
I hate the boy name Hudson. It sounds more hipster hued pretentious than Brooklyn Salted Chocolate. At 5, Hudson tells his dad, “Can I change my name to Andy Cohen? Because I identify with yenta breaths on the Upper East Side.”
Talking to my new cat like a booty call. Stop scratching. I don’t have to let you sleep here. Also, are you really in a rush to scurry away from so much scrumptiousness? If you’re Fergie, scratch away, but you’re not puss.
Mark Zuckerberg, declaring war against Warren. Facebook is too big? Cry me a river Warren. You think Twitter is going to swing votes in your favor? Trump pays the highest per click rate for Indian casinos to appear every time somebody googles Warren.
Stop calling nationalist a loaded word. The N bomb is a loaded word. ANTIFA lives matter, is an oxymoron.
An actor in the new Star Wars says, “Limited job offers for Muslim actors increases the odds in them becoming terrorists.” But you’re in SAG. Can’t you still make a living doing well paid extra work for Obama produced social justice docs on Netflix?
4.5 IPA’s make me feel more indecisive than Jared Kushner at the Sizzler salad bar. Even worse, a 4.5 IPA tastes like circumcised happiness because I’m shortchanging my desire for a mouthful of boozy hops.
Trump is obsessed with Hillary because he’s an illegitimate president? I thought Hillary lost because she’s an unhuggable cunt.
Hunter Biden being interviewed by ABC. Where have you been Hunter? Doing more bumps? Only hearing last call from the bathroom stall?
Pitchfork named Alright by Kendrick Lamar, song of the decade because Obama got the Nobel for relegating ISIS to ISIL. So they’d sound more start up friendly in Wired magazine.
Moms should remember to put money under the pillow for the Tooth Fairy right? Daughter says, “Daddy, the Tooth Fairy didn’t put money under my pillow? What can I say to appease her? The Rock slept in for a change. Mama’s parenting skills are overrated.
These days Robert Dinero looks like Betsy Ross, falling apart at the seams.
Georgetown apologized for slavery. Apologize for not forcing AI to retake Mo Money Management 101, from Do Rags To Riches.
My 2 year old son, Chosen Curls was bound to woo. A Grandma stops him at Target, proclaiming, “You’re going to have 3 girlfriends to juggle when you get older. I reply, “If James Woods had this face, your estimates wouldn’t be so conservative.”
Why isn’t Terry Bradshaw not even in the conversation about best quarterbacks ever? Bradshaw never lost a Super Bowl like Montana. 2nd, Bradshaw won by airing it out. Fine, that much he shares in common with Brady. I’ll give you that much.
In the Netflix suicide doc, 13 Reasons Why, do rebel space ship crashes into Imperial Star Destroyers even get honorable mention?
If Hillary Hammer Time Cankles runs for President again, what would her campaign slogan be?
I Eat Fake News Indians for Breakfast
Chelsea Isn’t Ugly Anymore
Deplorable Boomer Mom Knows Best
Resistor parents don’t care about the rule of law. All they care about is getting Trump out of office, so they can return to their smug secure, superior selves because baby boomer arrogance never dies.
It’s an empowered feeling to get blocked my Rosanne on Twitter knowing she got mad with jealousy at my superior jokes about Valerie Jarrett, Obama’s Arabian horse whisperer. Because it sucks for Rosanne knowing she’s got the coffee plantation in Hawaii, not me.
What’s the best way to show gratitude after your mother in law gets you Champion black socks again from the bargain bin for Christmas? Tell her, “Great, now I can postpone laundry for another week.”
Who told Samuel L Jackson it was cool to dress like Spike Lee’s grandmother? Who identifies as a jazz critic descendant of Sonny Rollins in Tyler Perry’s new film, The Uppity Cunt.
Perfect Wedding Anniversary message in this age of Trump Bad, Me Good. We both agree, you’re amazing and that’s the most important thing that matters.
Michael Kornbluth
Slow Poke Tim
Tempting line of attack against my mother in law next time she forces my kids to say grace in our home. Rosa, Jews, do grace in Hebrew. Also, care to tell God and my kids why you hit your daughter in Australia because you couldn’t handle being a stay at home mom in Austraila, fondling Avocado’s the size of Babar’s nut sack.
EXT. EVERYDAY DINER
Do It All Dad
Kids, there’s no whimpering in album trading talks involving American Idiot for Joan Jett & The Blackhearts, alright.
INT. ITALIAN REST.
Random Retired Black Guy
Been on TV?
Do It All Dad
Blind Date, all I got out of it was a free meal and herpes.
Random Retired Black Guy laughs longtime.
Disney owns ABC, whose now in the pedophile protection business. What should we call Disneyland now, the Happiest Comet Pizza Chain on earth?
INT. MONSTER MINI GOLF PARTY ROOM
Random Mom addresses my 2 year old boy.
Random Mom
It looks like you enjoy cake?
Do It All Dad
Too bad your fun hole tastes like medium grade Sashimi, I’m assuming. If I don’t want to devour you whole.
England shitting in their knickers.
Random bloke at the pub says, “Turkish President Erdogan says, he’ll send 3.6 million refugees to Europe if the EU doesn’t provide aid to Turkey mate.”
Mate replies, “Now that’s using leverage. Did Trump slip Erdogan a signed copy of Art of the Deal or what?”
INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON
Do It All Dad
Unplanned parenthood, let’s talk about it 3 direct hits later. I’ve aged well I know. Despite my wife bemoaning. I’ve sacrificed. She acts like an aspiring comedian in his late 20’s wanted kids ever.
INT. DELI NY
State Trooper
Trump isn’t perfect.
Do It All Dad
He’s made ball busting great again. What’s there not to love about that?
NY State Trooper laughs long time.
INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON
Do It All Dad
Unplanned parenthood happens, when you’re a stoner who forgets to ask whether your companion is on the pill because it makes her nauseous. But God didn’t give me 3 kids to have a panic attack about it. Obviously, he never had the same confidence in you.
INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON
Do It All Dad
Ziggy Marley being interviewed by High Times. Your dad had 7 kids. Doesn’t ganja drain your life shooter dry? Fake news man.
A school in England banned tag, encouraging kids to play with, “gentle hands.” Does Prince Charles do hand model demonstrations in class? Claiming with shameless glee, “Never worked a day in my life. It’s good to be Prince of Wales.”
Did God bring a cat in our home to wane me off Internet porn for good? Because nobody wants to whip it out again, drunk, on the opposite side of the couch of Pet Sematary, thinking, “Cats are colorblind anyway, this should murky up it’s vision.”
Any Baby Boomer really. Can’t you play some Dylan? This music is sad. You mean Chet Baker, the king of west coast cool Jazz? Whatever, it’s sad music. I don’t even know how we’re related. Your shoulders collapsing when we hug gave you away pops.
My wife wearing her atheism on a sleeve. Daughter says. Truth or Dare? What do you like better, wine or Flake Chocolate? Wife says, Flake. I reply. And Judd Apatow is the chief happiness officer for Brietbart.
Debra Messing blasting the View for letting Don Junior on. His family assaulted our country. You’re assaulting my ears, with your tone deaf dumb dialogue devoid of any punchy, fabulous flourish your Will and Grace Writer’s poop in their sleep.
After my 3 kid was born, my younger brother uses a photo of them together for his new Facebook profile photo. Over Thanksgiving, I say, “I’m thankful for my baby brother stealing my weed, adderall and my life. Because I look better in comparison.”
INT. CAR
Do It All Dad
Photon was like a poor man’s Laser Tag. I never played Photon with Uncle John because mimi & papa only bought one blaster for me.
Daughter
But you had friends then who didn’t care about you supporting Trump.
INT. ITALIAN REST.
Retired Black Guy
I like that one better.
Do It All Dad
One more, this is Russell Simmons on Gayle King. Read my lisp. I didn’t rape any of those vengeful, over the hill ho’s.
Retired Black Guy laughs longtime.
INT. TOY SHOP-CT
Do It All Dad
This is me on Christmas when my daughter was 4. Jida got you a toy chest with no toys in it. When we get back home to NY, will fill it with your 8000 Hanukkah gifts.
Toy Shop owner laughs long time.
INT. HOME
Daughter
Do people eat Mermaids?
Do It All Dad
No, but Neil Young eats out Daryl Hannah now because he’s in the midst of a post middle age, never banged a Mermaid crisis.
A school in England banned tag because it was deemed too rough. For now, England will stick to chasing Conservative Talk Show hosts from entering the country by banning the likes of Michael Savage. Piers get’s a pass because he failed in America.
Kids in England can’t play tag anymore because Tiny Tim identifies as Slow Poke Tim. Aren’t cries of hate speech considered fake news in your country when Mustafa tags Tiny Tim, yelling, “You’re It Infidel.”
Michael Kornbluth
The House That Gentrification Built
AOC hating on Brooklyn hipsters. Williamsburg is Disneyland for Hipsters. It used to be, Miss Yorktown Heights, but this was ages ago, back when Lena Dunham had much skinnier arms and wasn’t so full of herself.
Now AOC doesn’t want white hipsters dancing on the same steps as the Joker did because they’re in the boogie down Bronx. Stop acting like an old school g AOC, who threw batteries at Jim Rice before the House of Gentrification was built, Miss Yorktown Heights.
Kayne West for President in 2024? Boy, would that piss Obama off. He made Jesus Walks, ain’t never going to hell. Kim passed the bar. Criminal Justice Lawyers are so hot right now.
Joe Rogan blasting the practice of Trans athletes competing against woman. They’re shattering every record. Men never come out as Trans Girl Athletes. Would you want your daughter trading blows with a Cyborg with tits in the Octagon?
What’s going to be Bloomberg’s campaign slogan exactly? I’ll work for free also. I’ve already bled Wall Street with my overpriced Bloomberg terminals for all their worth.
Facebook removed all articles mentioning the whistle blower’s identity. Like Hillary’s people are going take him out like Epstein, resister, twitter twats please.
University of Florida students want the student body president impeached over the Don. Jr. visit. Since, when do students there care about anything but pounding Coors Light? Because they’re easy to pound like yenta’s from Long Island on Spring Break.
Stephen King proving why he’s overrated. “Everybody knows Trump is dumb as a fence post.” Are you filling out stadiums for readings of Pet Sematary? Despite your 5.2 million Twitter followers sounding like hysterical cat ladies 24/7.
INT. HOME
Wife
Will have to get another gift for the birthday party.
Do It All Dad
I’ll have to get another gift for the party because I can’t rely on my wife to read the fine print on Evite’s while I’m trying to make the universe laugh for a living.
ABC is preparing a series inspired by female Obama staffers. Does Valerie Jarrett count, knowing she actually lives with him now? You know, the main drafter of the Iran Deal, Obama’s Arabian Horse Whisperer. Now, that’s funny Roseanne.
My wife failing at being empathetic. So, you only have 1 full day to work next week. When you start making more money, we can hire help for the baby. You’re still not getting the kids ready during morning’s you can help anyway babe.
My mother in law used her fake news cancer scare to guilt her daughter into getting her Jew blood tainted granddaughter baptized. Before I meet Jesus, get my granddaughter baptized. Don’t let your Jew demon husband cock block her way into Heaven.
De Blasio insists anti-cop sentiment is a right wing conspiracy. Because becoming a face of a sanctuary city for 8 million people, means you have law and order’s back in addition to actual American citizens no matter what.
De Blasio insists anti-cop sentiment is a right wing conspiracy. Because doing dick to stop entitled Generation Z, Subway Skipper Riders to punch cops for enforcing the law gives that impression putz breath.
NY Post, stop with the Knicks had no choice but to trade KP. You always have a choice, Sean Spicer’s choice of dance partners at the Sky Bar in West Hollywood, not so much.
Amber Heard requested her ex Johnny Depp submit to a mental health evaluation. Hunter did say it best. Actors like to hang out with me because of my gun collection. Actors like to play with guns.
Smoking weed became a mental strain once my daughter started asking super hard questions to answer on it. Daddy, if God created the universe, who created God? God went back in time, in a time machine made by Elon Musk. Thanks for making me an atheist at 4 dad.
Michael Kornbluth
New Podcast: Punchlines On Fire
Punchlines on Fire
Planned Parenthood has a sex ed book out, In Case You’re Curious. One of the earlier chapters is, Is 12 too young to know I’m bi? Doesn’t that depend on how many puberty blockers you took? So, mom has the gay best friend she never had.
Planned Parenthood has a sex ed book out, In Case You’re Curious. One of the earlier chapters is, Can You Die From Masturbating Too Much? My advice to my kids. It doesn’t hurt trying, after you outgrow your sweaty sex period, which lasts 3 months max.
Planned Parenthood has a sex ed book out now, called, In Case You’re Curious. Reminds me of my graphic novel Bi-Curious George, for sexually confused hipster spawn reared on Lou Reed records in Bushwick.
Confessions of a vegetarian. Carl Lewis was one, so was Edwin Moses. Still not enough protein? You over the hill, never had an athletic prime, hipster hack.
How is the border wall racist Bernie? I didn’t know walls could be accused of hate speech now. Are you calling the wall racist because our US military is building it, despite most of the men in the armed forces being men of color, blowhard breath? Ban ICE Bernie? Because homeland security, was so weapons of mass destruction years. Joan lives.
INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON
Do It All Dad
How is England considering Jeremy Corbyn as your next Prime Minister? He plugged Hamas on Iranian TV as brothers in arms. And I thought France, Germany and Switzerland were in dire straits.
INT. COFFEE SHOP
Random Woman
Does your light-saber light up?
Son
It’s a light-saber.
Do It All Dad
It’s self explanatory babe. Wax your face hair, and maybe my son’s light-saber will brighten up in your presence.
INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON
Do It All Dad
The Church of England is so desperate to fill it’s empty seats, some parishes are setting up pop up mini golf, banking on the prospect of being able to drain more balls again like Elton John in 86. Those were the days.
How can you respect the news media knowing they protected the likes of Harvey Hair Clumps Weinstein and Epstein as if their meal tickets depended on it? Despite their insistence on being heroes to the American people, who give Bubba a pass.
INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON
Do It All Dad
How is England considering Jeremy Corbyn as your next Prime Minister? He called Hamas brothers on Iranian TV the way I call black guys in New York with affection, who love old school Nasty Nas.
INT. Home
Jimmy Kimmel
Who cares if ABC didn’t run the Epstein story? Fanatical Trump supporters are the ones more obsessed with pedophilia than the Democrats.
Wife
You don’t want to do stand up in middle America for a living, I get it Jimmy
INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON
Do It All Dad
Just 1 in 5 people in Britain say the Bible is irrelevant to them. How hard is Ricky Gervais right now? Not even Steve Carrel on the Teli, advertising his latest 100 million blockbuster can bring it down.
Jimmy Kimmel tensing. Poll says, herpes can beat Trump in the 2020. In other words, he expects Trump to reemerge triumphant, as a scarring reminder of how limited the powers of introspection are for a hick comic from Vegas. Weird, weak Howard sucks to.
It’s an insult to call Greg Giraldo a great roaster. No it isn’t. True standup is a punchline sprint, not a meandering, act out with your hands with no hard punchlines in sight like Dane Cook for the past 15 years and counting. Greg Giraldo was Tommy Hearns.
Michael Kornbluth
Podcast: Paul, Was No Friend Of Mine
Paul, Was No Mate Of Mine
Steven Tyler unloading on a fan for sitting at a show. I know you can’t afford a million dollar a day cocaine habit, but Live On The Edge a little bit bitch.
How much did Lennon hate McCartney for shaming him into becoming a stay at home dad, for his 2nd kid Sean after the release of Hey Jude? 2 weeks into his stroller ride routine through Central Park, Lennon yells, “Choke on a fucking cucumber scone Paul.”
Eric Clapton on John Lennon asking him to join the Beatles. “I was flattered kind of, but, my 1st question was, “Do you really hate George that much? So he wrote My Guitar Gently Weeps, get over it already mate. Or you’re worse than pussy willow Paul.”
British royals threatening ABC News. If you run the Prince Andrew, Epstein, why can’t we remain friends story, will cancel your interview with Prince William and Kate Middleton. And he’s the only tie left to Diana Americans give 2 shits about.
INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON
Do It All Dad
I get confused for Hugh Grant on stilts because I only cruise for bearded black hookers at the circus.
University of Minnesota Students can’t name a single Democratic accomplishment. Outside of making MS 13, ISIS and radical jihadists in US Congress as the new face of the Democratic Party. Also, they made clear due process is off the list.
The NY Times stock falls as ad revenue shrank. You mean ads for ANTIFA Halloween costumes, ISIS religious scholars 101 workshops at the 92nd Y and Planned Parenthood toxic masculinity blockers aren’t keeping the paper of record in the black?
You can’t name the name of the Whistle Blower? You’ll endanger his life. Why, is ANTIFA playing for the other side now? After forsaking the dark side from repeat viewings of Jedi. I don’t get it.
Kimmel on the new Don Junior book. He attacks Mueller, Bush, the liberal media. Basically, all our fake news heroes suffering from delusions of grandeur. Sorry people, I haven’t felt this dejected since Sarah Silverman’s snatch started to smell like cat nip.
Mom asks, “Is Arthur still enjoying his chess class?” I reply, “Yes, Samuel is still enjoying his chess class. Just like President Trump he isn’t tired of winning yet.” Now, I’m out of the will for certain but it was worth it.
Buckingham Palace threatening ABC over spotlighting Prince Andrew’s ties to Epstein. Prince Andrew is a clean cut lad. It’s not like the time when we had to take out Diana because because she couldn’t control her Kabob fever.
Will Hillary run? She can’t even power walk to the Late Show with Colbert without her bladder breaking. Why else do you think she shows her fat ass in public, with those asexual built in diaper ready, druid burkas from Dune?
A tree fell on a trick or treater in Westchester County. Where was pops, blocking the tree like a line drive foul ball at Citi Field? Talk about dropping the ball. Was pops dressed as Bill Buckner for Halloween or what?
Michael Kornbluth
