Low Class Long Island Hacks

Someone got stabbed to death for cutting in line for a Popeye’s chicken sandwich as the Grim Reaper yells, “No chicken sandwich for you.”

The MAGA hat is equivalent to a Nazi cap? I thought skin heads wore their shaved heads out in public for a reason. If a Nazi really wants to show his true colors, he’ll rock a black hoodie and attack peaceful Trump supporters in the name of love.

Meghan McCain on Rand Paul. I hate Rand Paul. He’s so much more upfront about his libertarian stances than my father was. Who cares if his doctor was 1st in his class and mine last. My daddy sniffed more than hair with his boy Biden.

Mexico, denied Trump’s offer for war against the cartels after the recent massacre against Americans. Too bad, Trump isn’t a crackhead, scheming demon who thinks winning favor at Bill Maher’s party up in the hills, is worth the one million dollar donation.

A University of Florida professor banned the use of the term “illegal immigrant.” Because he didn’t want to offend the student body there, knowing how calling English their 1st language is debatable, despite their blond on blonde, white white privilege.

The Mayor of London is considering decriminalizing cannabis to cut crime. I’m sure Mustafa will chill on the acid attacks if he could be allowed to puff the hashish pipe 6 times a day on the West End next time he wants to assimilate with Sam Mendes fans.

Another tempting text reply to send my mother. Check out the New York Times gift guide for baby Samuel. I don’t read the NY Times anymore mom. But you’re a good Christian, converted Jew, for forgiving the NY Times for giving you false hope again.

Scorsese on action hero films again. I was offered the Joker, which isn’t your typical action hero franchise. But I was too busy keeping Dinero’s pierced ego afloat. Plus, it’s been two decades since Casino, so Pesci is well rested.

INT. WINE SHOP

Worker

What did you do for Halloween with the kids?

Do It All Dad

Mommy gave the kids the option of getting sushi in case of a rain out. They opted for the sushi. Bribing our kids with Sushi, can make Halloween great for parents again.

INT. HOME

Wife

I’ll cancel my dinner plans then.

Do It All Dad

Today is my one full day of work. All I asked after my sigh, was for 24 hours advance notice. But you don’t respect my time or work. You really bring out the best in me babe.

Me getting an email back from a big time talent management company. I never heard of this guy. He wants to try doing a one man show on the road. No try asshole, only doing the American heartland with A list gemry you’ll never hear on Kimmel long time.

What target demographic does Bernie think he’s snagging by having Baby Face Omar speak at his rallies? Outside of the 1 percentage point of Jews who hate their Trump supporting mothers that much. Was that too NY Jewish for your taste Ted?

You want the government to fact check news based opinion pieces Cuban? Reality update Cuban, you don’t need a fact checker to know instinctively whose a crybaby loser nerd.

What do you say to your wife’s best friend’s husband, next time you’re forced to see him, knowing he lied to your wife? Insisting he sent you a thank you note for the bourbon you gave him to celebrate his newborn kind of love. You married a bigger bitch.

Tempting conversation to have with the wife. How was Brooklyn? Checked Facebook, Matt never sent me a thank you note for the bourbon I dropped off at the hospital in honor of his new and only baby boy. Long Island hacks have zero class.

Michel Kornbluth

Jackass of Islam

The Mayor of London is considering decriminalizing cannabis to cut crime. I’m sure Mustafa will chill on the acid attacks if he could be allowed to puff the hashish pipe 6 times a day on the West End next time he wants to assimilate with Sam Mendes fans.

Neil Young left his wife of 35 years for Daryl Hannah. Because he’s going through a dying of the light, never banged a mermaid crisis. Drilling for fracking isn’t his cup of tea. When he gives her facials, he calls it acid rain.

There’s actually a soundtrack for 13 Reasons Why on Vinyl. If you play it backwards, it says, “Sell your soul to Apple and the Chinese like Trent Rezner. He doesn’t sound so suicidal anymore these days, does he?”

I’m not joking. There’s actually a soundtrack for 13 Reasons Why on Vinyl. If you play it backwards, it says, “Trump is wrong, suicide is for winners like Hunter S. Thompson who don’t believe in pleasing God like Tim Tebow.”

I’m serious. If you play the record 13 Reasons Why backwards it also says, “Joker is laughing all the way to the bank”, “At least your dad never cut off your wedding speech at your younger brother’s wedding, three grandchildren blessed later.” Or, “At least your coke head younger brother doesn’t call you a loser after you write for TV twice, write 2 books and produce 3 fuss free kids.”

Who can trust Trump’s America Economist? The stock market, the electoral college, MAGA Hat Vendors at Trump rallies, sending their kids through college already.

INT. BARNES & NOBLE

Do It All Dad

Do parents ask you for books about eco-anxiety?

Worker laughs.

Worker

I met a 10 year old girl scared of the rain.

Do It All Dad

If kids were reared on Andrew Dice Clay records, they wouldn’t be so temperamental.

Barnes and Noble worker laughs long time.

Aaron Sorkin says Zuckerberg is “assaulting truth” by allowing political ads to appear on his website. Wah, wah, wah Sorkin’s crying. Because Martin Sheen isn’t a better president than Trump in real life. And Jeff Daniels isn’t even Tucker Carlson.

Signs times are changing.

Mama says. The Washington Post called the leader of ISIS, a religious scholar. NPR would’ve called him a burnout hashish head, suffering from Trump in charge now anxiety max.
How would I sum up manhood in the age of #MeToo Harper’s Magazine? You can look, actually stop eye fucking me to death with your eyes. Only stare at me with VR Goggles, because I know your eyes are occupied with artificial objectification.

How would President Pence lead Newsweek? I’d say, issue an executive exorcism but you don’t believe in God or have a soul left to save. But Pelosi’s district in San Francisco is progressive paradise ushering in a new poop hopscotch rush as we speak.

Everything you need to ace American History in one big fat notebook today. Let me guess, Indians didn’t torture, rape or scalp infidels until ISIS showed them on YouTube how the big boys on the varsity squad got it done.

Facebook allowing “Make America Great Again” ads got Trump elected? I thought it was because 63 million branded racists didn’t want their children to grow up in Obama’s America where ISIS went viral and GDP growth was slower than Joe Biden after a lobotomy.

Sheryl Sandberg on political ads with Katie Couric.

It’s 2019 Katie, nobody is influenced to vote from political ads on Facebook. Blog posts, which are pro Trumpian are coded as hate speech as way to discourage fact dissemination.

Sheryl Sandberg on political ads with Katie Couric again.

Political ads only represent 1 percent of our revenue.

Couric replies.

Fine, care to comment on how digital currency hides pedo trails on the dark web with greater efficiency bitch?

Sheryl Sandberg on political ads with Katie Couric again.

We don’t fact check Political ads. We just make it uncomfortable for paid off Trump supporter actors to defend their integrity. Baby Boomers hate how much the Trump kids have their shit together.

Sheryl Sandberg on political ads with Katie Couric one last time.

We don’t think the Russian are interfering with our elections. We do think Diamond and Silk are too southern sassy sharp, for Tom Arnold to handle in a sparring of wits, has been resistor lesbian.

Bill Maher interviewing Ronan Farrow.

With Harvey Weinstein still free, Cos still claiming innocence, do you feel all the awards showered on you will be relegated as mere participation trophies within the annals of history?

Signs the times really are changing.

Mama says.

The Washington Post called the leader of ISIS, a religious scholar? Even NPR called him too extreme for Al-Qaeda.

Do It All Dad replies.

They should’ve called him the Jackass Of Islam then.

Michael Kornbluth

White Hipster Supremacists

Trump changed his permanent residence to Florida because a sanctuary city who changes the name of the rink he turned around in Central Park is overrated. Can we start blaming the winner repellent culture of New York City on De Blasio yet?

Met a groovy, hot Deadhead gal at the Capital Theater in Port Chester, NY last night for a Dark Star Orchestra Grateful Dead set from 72. Won’t do anything about it. Still, I wanted to inhale her whole on the spot. I’d explode at tip off, singing, “Sunshine daydream, you’re my sexual healing.”

Why is the trans community freaking out over the song Dude Looks Like Lady? Steven Tyler turns the other cheek and takes a peek, proclaiming with surging lust, “Oh, what a funky lady, and “I like it, like it, like it yeah.” So did Richard Pryor.

Trevor Noah on Sean Spicer’s conservative support from Breitbart on Dancing With Stars. He obviously can’t dance. Why must conservatives ruin Howard Stern’s favorite show with Beth over Turkey Burgers? At least Jeff Ross, didn’t take himself so seriously.

Trevor Noah failing to show any comedic killer instincts. So how did you get away with killing Epstein? Crowd laughs. Then, he fails to say. But I’m sure your husband’s 37 documented trips on Lolita Express were mere money grabs for the Clinton Foundation. And the only thing Bill grabbed for on Lolita Express all those times was for more carrot dips in Kimchi Aioli.

Deadspin writers are on strike because they were told to stick to sports. At this rate, they’re news room will be emptier than Mile High stadium any given Sunday. Since Trump built a new wall around it to keep out resistor scum who suck off Dan Le Batard.

Pelosi on Colbert. I prayed for America after hearing Trump’s call with the Prime Minister of Ukraine. He used to be a comedian like you Stephen. You should hire Bill O Reilly to do man on the street interviews since Fox fired him for what Letterman did.

Pelosi on Colbert again. I prayed for America after hearing Trump’s call with the Prime Minister of Ukraine. He used to a comedian like you Steve. But you’re of greater service downplaying the DNC’s ties to pedo power players at large, Howdy Doody in Armani.

Impeach Trump over what? Highlighting what a druggy fuck up degenerate son Hunter is compared to Eric and Don Junior. On 60 Minutes, Hunter was twitchier than Hillary before a bottle of Cake Bread cellars chard to neutralize her recurrent shakes.

Impeach Trump over what? Threatening to withhold military aid to the Ukraine despite him previously approving the sales of arms to defend themselves better against Russian aggression?

You want to impeach Trump over what again? Calling Hunter Biden stupid. Questioning why Hunter got 52 grand a week for job he thought was for a Ukrainian sports energy company. Pushing borscht as the new Kombucha.

Goose bumps, that was Chris Wallace’s reaction, to Pelosi pushing forward with their attempt to remove Trump, who makes Obama look like a slacker, who blew his fantasy football draft pick, on the ISIS Headhunters for starters because Netflix got his back.

Michelle Obama sounding dumber than usual. Many people around the world consider Obama their president. Then, why does Obama’s Kenyan brother claim, “He’s not my president?” Adding,”Kenyans don’t want his face on our money. He’s so not money and we know it.”

Chris Matthews insists Obama’s perfect legacy drives his critics crazy. Spying on the Trump campaign in Trump Tower, based on a dossier financed by Hillary detailing Russian hookers and golden showers gave me that impression also Chris. Was the use of German hookers too much on the nose Chris?

I love how jealous the op-ed writer in the NY Post is about Chelsea’s 10 million townhouse in Union Square. She hasn’t accomplished anything. She’s nothing but a white washing prop to get Hillary out of the house into her asexual druid ponchos on the Daily Show.

Michael Kornbluth

My Clown Origin Story

Concerned texts from ex buds after seeing shades of me in the Joker film, spoiler alerts abound.

Still the only one laughing at your own jokes? You weren’t beaten up at sleep away camp in CT for faking your ankle sprain to get of running suicide drills, so what’s your excuse?

They say you’re considered crazy until you make it. So how crazy does it make it you feel, knowing Pete Davidson can buy and sell you daily, when he’s your 20-year junior, you know the rebound boy toy pinup for Generation Z.

So, when the Joker suffocates his mother to death in a hospital pillow. Did you feel strangled by despair, knowing the Joker’s mother thought less of her son’s comedy ambitions than your mom does?

Joker could’ve been Bruce Wayne. But you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth in Scarsdale, NY and got to take your SAT’s untimed. So, what’s your excuse for taking so long to make it as comedian already?

Killing on Kimmel should be enough. So, he hired Bill Simmons ages ago to write jokes over you. Look at it this way, you never would’ve come up with 30 for 30 on your own.

What’s my clown origin story exactly? There was my guiding star, Judy Cook, the founding member of our Alternative School, in Edgemont, NY, who gave me the bright idea of becoming a comedian one day, after I came out of my shell Senior year in high school because I won the International Award for a hooking up with a couple of Israeli gals on the Kibbutz, a Jewish, community hippie farm, I stayed at during my Masada teen tour summer after my junior year in highs school. I always was a late bloomer. After I slobbered all over Kermit, I couldn’t make up this shit if I tried, you’d think I was making out with a wet mop. Also, my younger brother of 3 years got into the puberty party before I did on top of losing his virginity before I did, banging the 3 hottest girls in his class, which I tried to jerk off to at the time but couldn’t, which made me feel like a real big brother bust. Back then, I felt like Charles Smith on the Knicks, with an even shittier hook shot.

Back to Judy, so one time during one our pinko, Alternative School barbeque retreats, everyone is rehashing about their time away building homes for Habitats for Humanity and I made up something about interning with the Dali Lama, which forced me to quit smoking weed, so I could remember my mantra already, or something like that, which got laughs.

The million-dollar question is at 43 years old with 3 kids to feed and a wife to prevent from divorcing me, am I still slinging jokes on my podcast for free as a form of coping or clowning? I think it’s a combination of the two. But coping sounds too psychological babble like for me. Yes, I write joke to process my rageful feelings in relation to disrespectful slights, especially from the media who try to slander and belittle any Trump supporter as crazy. Dice, one of my role models calls himself a clown. Norman Lear, creator of All In the Family, called Redd Foxx one of the great clowns, so I don’t mind being lumped in with such star powered company one bit. Larry Charles, writer on Seinfeld, said Larry David would actually kill people if he could get away with it. Adam Sandler’s funniest stuff for me as a rageful streak to it, so I totally believe comedy is a coping mechanism for comedians to go for the retaliatory kill without actually killing for sport or the mere fun of it like Joaquin Phoenix does in the Joker with possessed, fun filled relish.

Killing dream stompers loudly at the comedy club, on a podcast, WordPress blog or at the local deli, is what drives this comedy clown slave to make the most of his comedic gifts of expression. Comedy Clown are slaves to the grind but become more obsessed with killing them all, the funnier, faster and more emboldened we get. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, especially bombing, which only killing again can repair. The clowns in my head, are permanent fixtures of me. Growing up before my voice hit puberty, my voice fluctuated between Dice and Rodney. And till this day, my quest to be recognized as a big deal funny man on the rise, stems from my guiding star who shined a light on a brighter, more kick ass, rock and roll future I never dared imagine or entertain for myself and that’s why the great Judy Cook, is my guardian angel star. Who appeared in my dream once, before I pitched my pilot Heavy Metal High to the Head of VH1 Classic, stating, “Everything is going to be ok.” They didn’t buy the pilot. And I had to return to head hunting, cold calling my brains for the evil empire at Robert Half soon after. Still, I’ve got 2 books now to sell and Adam Sandler’s handlers writing me letters from Brillstein and Grey apologizing for not being able to share my books with Adam because it’s “unsolicited material.” Fine, I’ll start bombarding talent agents with all of my a list podcast, blogs and books, because John Lennon wishes he was this productive during his stay at home dad years. Thanks Judy, for giving this nervous, unsure Jewish boy at the time, something to believe in. You see not every clown origin story needs to be complete horror show, although fumbling to put a condom on for the 1st time at 20 when I was finally in position to lose my virginity was no walk in the park in either, thinking taking the SAT’s untimed set me up to fail. By the time I finished my math section for the SAT’s, my friends had already declared their majors, sophomore year in college.

Michael Kornbluth

Electric Laughter Test

Lindsay Lohan on her new text buddy, the crown prince of Saudi Arabia. He’s a very modern Prince. He doesn’t need my permission to choke one out over the phone with me. Also, he doesn’t support genital mutilation or he’d cut my fire crotch out of his diet.

Why is it racist to flee from the South Side of Chicago for the past 50 years? Michelle Obama acts like the south side is on the verge of being gentrified by Andy’s Cohen’s half brother. Opening up grill cheese pop up stores with arugula.

INT. HOME

Daughter

What’s hate speech Dada?

Do It All Dad

Making fun of Obama for nuke gifting Iran to make their economy less reliant on the sale of hair removal cream for the Kardashians.

Obama insists someone uses social media to sow division. Actually, Trump uses Twitter to become the most transparent US President of all time, compared to the fake news one you conned all your Facebook peeps into believing.

Obama is hating on cancel culture, because he doesn’t want 63 million branded racists to cancel their Netflix subscription with him on board, knowing you can no longer compensate Chris Rock with just one rib.

Trump handing out candy with Melania outside the White House. Obama and Michelle handed out Rice Cakes. But Michelle blames racism for kids fleeing the White House in droves. You want to know what Melania tastes like? Try some rock candy kid.

Obama on woke culture during a presser in Chicago. Calling Trump names on Twitter isn’t activism. Michelle telling the Chicago DA to slap Jussie on the wrist for trying to incite a race war because he likes that does.

Obama on the woke culture. Look, you people need to be more compromising and accepting. Heckler yells. Then, why haven’t you told Democrats to accept the 2016 election results already? Or urged Hillary to cut out all her Russian agent blabber?

 

Obama on woke culture during a presser in Chicago. Tweeting your latest outrage at Trump doesn’t bring about change. Running a shadow government on K Street with Deep State loyalist leftovers trying to hide their butts does.

 

New blog post titles inspired by the Joker movie from another aspiring paid comedian.

Coping More Than Clowning?

Killing Dream Stompers Loudly

Clowns In My Head

Tears Of A Recruiter Clown

My Clown Origin Story

 

 

Obama projecting again. Cancel culture encourages people to bash others in order to feel better about themselves. Actually, comedians such as your idol Dick Gregory were doing that before you sat your legs up on the oval office while ISIS went viral.

 

Obama projecting. Casting stones to feel better yourself is easy. Try getting the media to support an impeachment inquiry because Trump inquired about why Hunter is a bigger beneficiary of white privilege than Don Junior.

 

Obama projecting again. Cancel culture encourages you to be as judgmental as possible. Baby Boomers did a pretty good job of that before they used Facebook to become the laziest, most self-stroking, grandparent generation of all time Big O.

 

Obama on woke culture during a presser in Chicago. We need to be a more accepting culture. Then why couldn’t you shake Trump’s hand in the White House without looking like your community organizer cred was revoked?

 

What will Samantha Bee bitch about when President Trump actually rewards the Delta Force dog hero with the Purple Heart of Valor? He didn’t ask for Obama’s permission to use the same Graphic Designer who photo shopped the Ukulele on his birth certificate?

My mom being passive aggressive over the phone again. It’s going to rain during Halloween, what a bummer. I reply. Arizona in the rain looks like a pile of wet rocks. That’s a bigger bummer mom, no offense.

On the phone with mom after she briefly talks with my 3 kids. I have a hard time hearing the kids over the phone. Visiting twice a year makes it harder to reach out and touch someone. Also, you’re a snoozier storyteller than Adam Schiff on NyQuil.

Very tempting text to send mom. Your Vanguard fund must be showing impressive returns these days. Which reminds me, did you ever get a thank you note from Jane for your wedding gift because we didn’t.

 

INT. POST OFFICE

Fetching Sister

I have to get back home before the candy rush.

Do It All Dad

You can always hang up an ISIS flag to scare away trick or treaters.

Fetching Sister laughs long time.

Wife on the phone. Are you sure Matt didn’t text you a thank you note for the bourbon? Did you check Facebook? I reply. I’m not that desperate to track down a shout out in my honor. I have my Twitter peeps and WordPress followers for that.

Michael Kornbluth

Born Again Newborn Dads

How do you make a newborn dad feel extra special after his wife just squeezed out a real-life Mr. Potato Head? Because let’s be honest, folks, newborn dads, regardless if they’ve provided the love gun blast power for previous babies over wearing pajamas at 5 already the way Miley Cyrus is over trying to please her pan-sexual critics. Newborn dads aren’t given special gift consideration after they become a born-again newborn dad, despite the likelihood of them losing everything including the house and custody of their kids in New York State, the moment the wife decides to leave him for an eventual in-house replacement dad. The odds of Dad coming out on the winning end are low, knowing woman today expect husbands to do more than just bang out the bills and more kids every other 2 years, whether they’re planned or not. So, make a born again newborn dad feel less isolated, less depreciated and less taken for granted, by helping him drink in the occasion of becoming a born again newborn dad, by doing more than giving an all-star addition baby bib, gift store flowers and semi succulent, edible arrangements for his wife.

Likes on Facebook for new baby announcement pics are nice. But what makes a born-again newborn dad feel extra special is a sumptuous, American made Bourbon with balls. Assuming, he pours himself a generous pour of love in a paper cup without his wife’s permission 1st. Once newborn dad comes home from the hospital, he can pour himself a second generous serving of soul glow love, relishing the start of his newborn’s short lived stint of 20 hour naps, taking in the pure beautified gleam of his newborn baby, thinking, drinking alone when mama’s out of the house eventually, is no longer an issue.

I’m reflecting on gifts for born again newborn dad’s, for a couple of reasons. First, my family of 5 just adopted a cat, Woodstock. She was seen hitchhiking on Woodstock Street. Haven’t decided whether I should start a YouTube Channel dedicated to me reading chapters to it from Trump’s Art of The Deal, so I can go viral already. Similar to 2 out of our 3 kids, this new family addition wasn’t planned nor was the new family addition proclamation received with too much emotive glee from our absentee out of state, baby boomer parents either because baby boomer arrogance never dies. And if we don’t raise a family the way they did, we’re the delusional, deplorable, crazy ones for not insisting on sucking off the weird, creepy, alleged all-knowing aura of Bob Dylan for all it’s worth. Despite the Grateful Dead turning Dylan down after he asked to play with the band on a full-time basis. Jerry was like, “Yeah Bob, we love your songs and everything, with your permission I’d love to sing Visions of Johanna solo, but we already named our last album Dylan and the Band, despite us selling out major league stadiums versus barely filling out minor league ones on your Rolling Thunder Tour. And let’s be frank Bob, do I look like I’d ever rock the Mascara look with a feathered boa hat to downplay my folksy, homely Jewishness? Despite your train hopping, man of the literate Steinbeck book people cred. Granted, we let Robert Hunter write some our star songs, but he never asked us to replace Pig Men on the harmonica either.” I took my 1st born child, Matilda Singing Rose Kornbluth, to a Further show, new version of the Dead at Bethel Woods, site of the original Woodstock days after her 2nd birthday. After taking her for a regretful lap around the grassy filled parking lot scene, taking in dinged up hippies zapping whatever brain cells remained left from more nitrous balloon hits, she points at one of the nitrous balloons on display and says, “Dada, birthday, and I say, no, burnout day.” Material, I’ve heard of worst reasons to have unplanned kids.

But let’s get back to my mom’s reply via text to a video showing our new adopted cat scurry behind our couch in her new home as my now eight-year-old daughter’s eyes flicker with newborn, endlessly curious, anticipatory delight on par with her tingly embrace of her baby brother on the forehead for her 1st joining together with her younger brother in the hospital with such graceful, delicate, love at 1st sight splendidness. So, to receive a meh, less than enthralling reply from my mother in relation to our new family addition announcement video only illuminated what a sucky feeling it was after my 3 kids were born, to never receive any special gift shout outs from my younger brother, parents and friends for becoming a born again newborn dad, which is a blown opportunity if you want to talk deplorable.

In the end all my mom could muster to this once in a lifetime moment video from her Arizona estate home was, “I’m happy for Matilda and your family.” Translation, my 1st born identifies with sexless, isolated cat ladies on the Upper West Side. And I don’t see her oversharing at her Bridge Club about re-branding her son as a stay at home cat lady either.

The other reason I’m reflecting on born again newborn dad’s is because my wife’s best friend just had her 1st child at the same hospital she works in the NICU and Labor and Delivery for as the unofficial boob doctor whisper/lactation expert on breasting feeding. Emphasizing how all the long term benefits of breast feeding for your kids far outweighs the minor, short lived inconvenience of turning your bed into an after hours milk bar, all depending on whether the husband get’s permission from the wife to pull the plug on his life blaster for good, sooner than later. But what’s unique about this born-again newborn dad is how he’s a divorced dad who has an 11-year-old daughter from his past marriage. So, he’s a born-again newborn dad with a new lifetime partner in love, reflecting a new lease on life. Because now he can teach his new child better than the last because he didn’t have the weighty life coach musings on MMA and CBD hand creams from the Joe Rogan podcast under his belt yet.

What I’ve developed a heightened respect for since becoming a born again newborn dad 3 times over, is the fleeting specialness of that post birth bliss in the hospital, as you bask in the glorious, picture perfect sight of your new and improved seed with a full set of hair, thank God. Bursting with unlimited potential to outshine any baby boomer claim to fame because baby boomer parents don’t always know best. You do, because you know how it feels to be depreciated, taken for granted and talked to down by self-righteous authority figures, incapable of life altering, introspection. As a result, you dedicate your life to make sure your children received less of the same old situation and do everything in your power to ensure your children feel great about whatever their passionate about doing and never apologize for pursuing their bliss like Miley Cyrus next time she declares to her adoring female fans on Instagram, “You don’t have to be gay, there are good men out there.” I agree Miley, that’s why I got my wife’s best friend, a bottle of 914 Bourbon in honor of his new son, born in 914, under my wife’s steady, loving guidance in the delivery room and beyond. It doesn’t matter how my wife had to fish for a thank you note of acknowledgement out of her best friend via text on the behalf of her born again newborn husband, who I dropped the gift off for while holding my lucky number 3 born in the same hospital, instead of delivering my gift in person because they were sleeping in the 1st place.

In my wife’s friend thank you text, she called it a “mitzvah.” Technically speaking, a mitzvah is a commandment from God. So, in actuality the gift was more an affirmation of Miley Cyrus’s assertion of better men being out there, who continue to deliver generous pours of love when the moment calls for it, despite feeling incredibly shortchanged in return. Because fatherhood wants any good man, the opportunity to do better than before and nothing beats a newborn dad kind of love.

Michael Kornbluth