The Koshertarian Offensive

I tried to get a Kosher butchering knife on EBAY called a Chalef knife, so I can feel like I’m capable of living off the farm like a Jewish Hank Williams Junior. But customer service told me they’re not available anymore because they’re dripping with hate speech against Halal butchers who give shout outs to Allah before butchering cows instead. Plus, they added, “Kosher butchering knives are too aggressively Israeli for EBAY’s tastes.” Holla, thank you very much.

Why do I care about rocking the Koshetarian Diet? First, I don’t have to do any of the blood draining myself, so it’s the least I can do. Second, the Koshertarian Diet makes me feel like a less all over the place Jew, which is a welcome change of pace. Third, it’s the least I can do to show my love for Hashem for blessing me with the three sweetest, most hilarious, fuss free kids in the universe. Fourth, the Koshertarian Diet allows me to look down on my younger brother and parents for never giving the Koshterian Diet inside the house and out an extended chance. And I have zero interest in being a fake news, God dissing hippy. Sorry, when you live in Arizona for 9 years and haven’t visited the Grand Canyon once. You’re a fake news hippy. I don’t care if your Bob Dylan station on Pandora disagrees. Fifth, my younger brother orders bacon cheeseburgers at Wendy’s with extra bacon on top yet he thinks being lactose tolerant is responsible for his chronic stomach pains, which have nothing to do with 2 decades worth of cocaine abuse, only hearing last call from the bathroom stall. 6th, I love the Koshterian Diet because if I do go out to eat, my options are significantly lessened. So now, whenever I do dine out, I no longer feel as indecisive as Jared Kushner holding up the salad bar line at the Bellagio. 7th, I rock the Koshterian diet because I wrote about a book about my divine powered quest to get my 3 fuss free kids excited about giving the Koshterian Diet a chance. John Lennon wishes he was this productive during his stay-at-home dad years. And if I don’t back up the talk, I’m no worse than my fake news hippies’ parents. 8th, I embrace the Koshertarian diet to ensure God continues to bless my funny Jew bone as I bang out more sheets of comedy gold. 9th, I practice the Koshertarian Diet because it forces me to generate more mo money minting ideas such as the Do It All Dad Hero Food Truck, which peddles the1st ever smoked Kosher brisket cheesesteak, using a plant-based cheese wiz in my debut middle age coming of age story, The Great American Jew Novel. Last, the Koshertarian diet reigns supreme because it triggers Italian deli workers, whenever I order an egg and cheese with no bacon on it. Italian Deli worker says, “No Bacon on that?” And I’ll give him the same response I give my 4-year-old, Chosen Curls Was Bound To Woo, whenever he whips out his pubescent life shooter in the making during dinner again, “Not Kosher baby.” Can I get a holla for some Challah? Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

 

The Manhattan Jerkoff Project

If you want to teach your kids about masturbation, send your kids to Dalton prep school for 50 grand a year on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. They’re teaching kids about masturbation early as 1st grade, imparting liberty preserving lessons like jerking off being our last safety rail left kids.

The question is, assuming Dad is beneath teaching his kid about the importance of jerking off to avoid disease and charges of rape with due process being deader in our country than Mia Farrow’s judge of character. Where would you prefer your kids to learn about masturbation? At sleepaway camp with your kid’s camp counselor or at school from a professor who teaches porn literacy at Columbia College? Porn literacy, do the parental controls at Dalton prep ensure the porn categories on their laptops are only visible in Latin?   Forcing our kids to read porn categories in Latin, is one way to bring dead languages back to life in no time. It also ensures Dalton kids won’t be accused of Xenophobia for refusing to take a class trip to Vatican because they know what giving communion in the dark means in Latin. The main reason Dalton is teaching kids about masturbation and only allowing them to surf porn written in Latin, is because some catholic donor wants to make their Latin club great again. So his son can sprinkle his debates with more highbrow nicknames than Trump could ever belch out on Twitter like BAT SHIT CRAZY COVIDITUS PELOSI. Holla, thank you very much.

The teacher at Dalton claims the masturbations lessons in the animation video were misinterpreted. Because jerking off videos like Topless Tudors are so ambiguous.

In the masturbation video animated kids discuss how touching themselves, makes it point in the air. “So, Johnny, you ever touch yourself to Dora and feel the need to cover it with multiple backpacks? Holla, thank you very much.

Parents who send their kid to Dalton claim to be enraged over their kids being show masturbation videos in the 1st grade, but they want to remain anonymous, refusing to come out on Tucker Carlson out of fear of being kicked off Facebook or else they’d lose all showing off privileges.

Aren’t the parents who send their kids to Dalton high powered lawyers, hedge fund managers and plastic surgeons for trans teens reared on Lou Reed records, considered less disposable employees than the rest, assuming they shit in MAGA hats on company retreats in the Bahamas? And how does speaking out publicly against Dalton’s teachers sexualizing their kids age of innocence get somebody fired from a hedge fund in Connecticut bringing in 4 billion a year? Does office security yank you out of the executive corporate john, on the top floor, only to sing, “You don’t come around here no more.” Tom Petty lives, holla, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Democracy On The Rocks

What’s restrictive about voter ID again? Will Jews be denied access to voting booths only available in restricted country clubs down south? With less interest in swamp draining than entertaining golden shower parties with Golda Meir. Where even Palestinian Publicists for Hamas are allowed. Being a Palestinian Publicist for Hamas is brain draining work. Every other press release is, Jews are the dirty fighters, not us, and Fuck Billy Joel. We didn’t fire first. Holla, thank you very much.

Taiwan isn’t a country. I’m glad John Cena cleared that up. What I don’t understand is why Universal would cast him in The Fast and Furious? Amy Schumer moves more fluidly on a Pilates Matt, pregnant, with a slimy hack politician in the making. Who will make Chuck Schumer come off as gentile pleasant at the Costco cheese sample station for a change.

Plus, John Cena has less acting range than Jason Mewes or A Rod on Fox Sports pretending to be the Caramel Mocha version of fucking Roy Firestone. J Lo banged the shit of that stripper pole on Super Bowl Sunday, so Ben Affleck would drunk dial her again for old times sake. “Hey J Lo, it’s big ben. Why don’t you ditch A Rod and give us another shot babe? I’ve got some more screenplays in me to direct you in, enchilada buns. All A Rod has left in him is looking like a pussy bitch next to Big Papi on Fox Sports. That is when the balding Ralph Macchio on Steroids isn’t hocking his new line of foundation makeup for metrosexuals on Instagram like he’s pimping for the Guido Illuminati.

Joe Biden wants to preserve the soul of our Democracy less than Hunter wants to give up blow for blow painting.

Empathy is the fuel for Democracy. I didn’t know Dominion voting machines were programmed with empathetic intelligence to correct any voter fraud bugs embedded in their operating systems, my bad.

Empathy is the fuel for Democracy. Tell that to Trump’s Gulfstream on the last leg of the campaign trail Joe. Trump averaged 4 flub free speeches a today in front of thousands and the millions and millions online at home through YouTube. Your campaign rallies outside your basement couldn’t fill out the Little Mermaid’s clam shells.

Michael Kornbluth

Going For Comedy Gold

If you name your son Hudson or Bowie it means you’re less original than your BLM flag planter neighbors within the snuggle soft confines of Westchester County. How many black friends do you have again? How many black girls did you bang before you become a defeated, slut in a straight jacket like the rest? Oh yeah, you only watch CNN for finance news since Trump got fired from the CIA. Yeah, and my mom only watches Real Time With Bill Maher for her bible study group after she converted to Judaism.

I’ve given up on trying to bond with an alumni from Ithaca College if I see them wearing a school sweater because they never lost that freshman 20 after all. The main reason why I avoid the encounters with Ithaca Alumni is because I’ve lost all tolerance for these people treating me like a resurgent herpes sore on the spot. Without fail, the random Ithaca alumni will give me this stupefied stare which screams, “Tell me why I should give a shit about our imaginary alumni connection already? If you went to Cornell, I’d care about who you can introduce me to on LinkedIn. I don’t care that you were in the Roy. H. Park School of Communications. Ithaca’s still Cornell’s retarded next door neighbor. But you were a communication major who can suck down a bong hit and not stutter every other 2 seconds, whoopty, freaking do.”

This is my impression of Dr. Dre discussing the merger between Microsoft and LinkedIn with Eminem. Hey Slim, Microsoft paid 4.5 billion for LinkedIN. Worddddddddd! LinkedIn is lamer than ever yoh.

My wife had a Hillary spotting during lunch with our baby boy. She claims Hillary was nice, adding “She even waived to Samuel. I said, “Of course she did. Hillary was getting warmed up for desert.”

I live in horse country close to nearby North Salem, so my mother signed my daughter up for some horse ridding lessons. Daughter says, “Everyone is friendly here.” I said, “Everyone here shits gold. They should be perpetually giddy come rain or shine.” I think this fairly young rider there flirts with me through riding her steed like she wants to break my joy stick in 2. Or maybe I’m just a sexually repressed stay at home comedian who needs to get out of the house more often.

Why do Jews still vote Democrat? Baby Boomers can’t admit when they’re wrong. Baby Boomer arrogance never dies. Because of Kent State, they want to abolish the National Guard forever. They thought the Black Panthers were on their side to.

4 out of 10 Democrats blame Israel for claiming ancestral connections to so many Nobel Prize winners like Jonas Salk. Who discovered the Vaccine for Polio, only to give it away for free like so many of those other Apartheid ruling Hitler wannabes.

Free Palestine. You’d think it was a breeding ground for future Nelson Mandela’s to clean up at Model UN.

Israelis are baby killers. So blow up a Planned Parenthood you’ll most likely Uber to, if you’re so concerned. Holla, thank you very much.

Israel is the problem. How many Palestinians are being hunted and assaulted with knifes, rocks, firebombs and UN financed missiles by Israelis who only serve in the military because they fucking have to, morons?

Fascist or racist, how is that even up for debate anymore, all the above Democrats? A white cop just got fired in Idaho for making fun of Lebron on Tik Tok. I don’t call him King of the Persecution Complex for nothing. And reverse racism against whites, Jews and Asians in this country is in full force more than ever before. Oh no he didn’t, yes I did. Holla, thank you very much.

Prince Harry thinks freedom of speech should be curtailed to curb enthusiasm over bashing balding Archie on Twitter. God forbid, you make fun of his uppity, zero gravitas exuding, spoiled rotten wife. Oh yeah, she contemplated suicide when she was pregnant with her lifetime fucking meal ticket on the line. Yeah, and Prince Harry dressed up as Hitler for Halloween like a poor man’s Charlie Chaplin to perfect the human race with a willing Heidi Klum by his bedside.

Bill Gates dismissing Melinda Gates at work. Program the pearl script command, massage my carpel tunnel, ho, you busted ass bitch. Fetch me a pea protein burger if you’re not busy stockpiling more stock.

Chris Rock says people are afraid to talk these days and comedy is sucking because of it. BLM is really shaking in their boots at the latest Toastmaster International meeting through Zoom Chris. Plus, did you ever consider comedy sucking today because all the established biggies like yourself, have become nothing more than establishment sell out propagandists for the rape enablement party like the rest?

Joe Biden’s hate crime engagement director recommends Jews stop showing off their Jewishness to avoid more hate crimes. Fine, I’ll whip out my smart phone to calculate the tip on a 20 dollar Pastrami sandwich at Katz to throw off Jewish headhunters on the prowl from Palestinian Terrorists Are Us. Holla, thank you very much.

I leave a grocery store with my mask off. A guy passes me and asks, “Are masks mandatory in there? I say, “I always take mine off immediately. Only dumb fucking alumni from Ithaca wear masks outside. It’s Cornell’s retarded next door neighbor for a reason.” Holla, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Going For Comedy Gold

If you name your son Hudson or Bowie it means you’re less original than your BLM flag planter neighbors within the snuggle soft confines of Westchester County. How many black friends do you have again? How many black girls did you bang before you become a defeated, slut in a straight jacket like the rest? Oh yeah, you only watch CNN for finance news since Trump got fired from the CIA. Yeah, and my mom only watches Real Time With Bill Maher for her bible study group after she converted to Judaism.

I’ve given up on trying to bond with an alumni from Ithaca College if I see them wearing a school sweater because they never lost that freshman 20 after all. The main reason why I avoid the encounters with Ithaca Alumni is because I’ve lost all tolerance for these people treating me like a resurgent herpes sore on the spot. Without fail, the random Ithaca alumni will give me this stupefied stare which screams, “Tell me why I should give a shit about our imaginary alumni connection already? If you went to Cornell, I’d care about who you can introduce me to on LinkedIn. I don’t care that you were in the Roy. H. Park School of Communications. Ithaca’s still Cornell’s retarded next door neighbor. But you were a communication major who can suck down a bong hit and not stutter every other 2 seconds, whoopty, freaking do.”

This is my impression of Dr. Dre discussing the merger between Microsoft and LinkedIn with Eminem. Hey Slim, Microsoft paid 4.5 billion for LinkedIN. Worddddddddd! LinkedIn is lamer than ever yoh.

My wife had a Hillary spotting during lunch with our baby boy. She claims Hillary was nice, adding “She even waived to Samuel. I said, “Of course she did. Hillary was getting warmed up for desert.”

I live in horse country close to nearby North Salem, so my mother signed my daughter up for some horse ridding lessons. Daughter says, “Everyone is friendly here.” I said, “Everyone here shits gold. They should be perpetually giddy come rain or shine.” I think this fairly young rider there flirts with me through riding her steed like she wants to break my joy stick in 2. Or maybe I’m just a sexually repressed stay at home comedian who needs to get out of the house more often.

Why do Jews still vote Democrat? Baby Boomers can’t admit when they’re wrong. Baby Boomer arrogance never dies. Because of Kent State, they want to abolish the National Guard forever. They thought the Black Panthers were on their side to.

4 out of 10 Democrats blame Israel for claiming ancestral connections to so many Nobel Prize winners like Jonas Salk. Who discovered the Vaccine for Polio, only to give it away for free like so many of those other Apartheid ruling Hitler wannabes.

Free Palestine. You’d think it was a breeding ground for future Nelson Mandela’s to clean up at Model UN.

Israelis are baby killers. So blow up a Planned Parenthood you’ll most likely Uber to, if you’re so concerned. Holla, thank you very much.

Israel is the problem. How many Palestinians are being hunted and assaulted with knifes, rocks, firebombs and UN financed missiles by Israelis who only serve in the military because they fucking have to, morons?

Fascist or racist, how is that even up for debate anymore, all the above Democrats? A white cop just got fired in Idaho for making fun of Lebron on Tik Tok. I don’t call him King of the Persecution Complex for nothing. And reverse racism against whites, Jews and Asians in this country is in full force more than ever before. Oh no he didn’t, yes I did. Holla, thank you very much.

Prince Harry thinks freedom of speech should be curtailed to curb enthusiasm over bashing balding Archie on Twitter. God forbid, you make fun of his uppity, zero gravitas exuding, spoiled rotten wife. Oh yeah, she contemplated suicide when she was pregnant with her lifetime fucking meal ticket on the line. Yeah, and Prince Harry dressed up as Hitler for Halloween like a poor man’s Charlie Chaplin to perfect the human race with a willing Heidi Klum by his bedside.

Bill Gates dismissing Melinda Gates at work. Program the pearl script command, massage my carpel tunnel, ho, you busted ass bitch. Fetch me a pea protein burger if you’re not busy stockpiling more stock.

Chris Rock says people are afraid to talk these days and comedy is sucking because of it. BLM is really shaking in their boots at the latest Toastmaster International meeting through Zoom Chris. Plus, did you ever consider comedy sucking today because all the established biggies like yourself, have become nothing more than establishment sell out propagandists for the rape enablement party like the rest?

Joe Biden’s hate crime engagement director recommends Jews stop showing off their Jewishness to avoid more hate crimes. Fine, I’ll whip out my smart phone to calculate the tip on a 20 dollar Pastrami sandwich at Katz to throw off Jewish headhunters on the prowl from Palestinian Terrorists Are Us. Holla, thank you very much.

I leave a grocery store with my mask off. A guy passes me and asks, “Are masks mandatory in there? I say, “I always take mine off immediately. Only dumb fucking alumni from Ithaca wear masks outside. It’s Cornell’s retarded next door neighbor for a reason.” Holla, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Going For Comedy Gold

If you name your son Hudson or Bowie it means you’re less original than your BLM flag planter neighbors within the snuggle soft confines of Westchester County. How many black friends do you have again? How many black girls did you bang before you become a defeated, slut in a straight jacket like the rest? Oh yeah, you only watch CNN for finance news since Trump got fired from the CIA. Yeah, and my mom only watches Real Time With Bill Maher for her bible study group after she converted to Judaism.

I’ve given up on trying to bond with an alumni from Ithaca College if I see them wearing a school sweater because they never lost that freshman 20 after all. The main reason why I avoid the encounters with Ithaca Alumni is because I’ve lost all tolerance for these people treating me like a resurgent herpes sore on the spot. Without fail, the random Ithaca alumni will give me this stupefied stare which screams, “Tell me why I should give a shit about our imaginary alumni connection already? If you went to Cornell, I’d care about who you can introduce me to on LinkedIn. I don’t care that you were in the Roy. H. Park School of Communications. Ithaca’s still Cornell’s retarded next door neighbor. But you were a communication major who can suck down a bong hit and not stutter every other 2 seconds, whoopty, freaking do.”

This is my impression of Dr. Dre discussing the merger between Microsoft and LinkedIn with Eminem. Hey Slim, Microsoft paid 4.5 billion for LinkedIN. Worddddddddd! LinkedIn is lamer than ever yoh.

My wife had a Hillary spotting during lunch with our baby boy. She claims Hillary was nice, adding “She even waived to Samuel. I said, “Of course she did. Hillary was getting warmed up for desert.”

I live in horse country close to nearby North Salem, so my mother signed my daughter up for some horse ridding lessons. Daughter says, “Everyone is friendly here.” I said, “Everyone here shits gold. They should be perpetually giddy come rain or shine.” I think this fairly young rider there flirts with me through riding her steed like she wants to break my joy stick in 2. Or maybe I’m just a sexually repressed stay at home comedian who needs to get out of the house more often.

Why do Jews still vote Democrat? Baby Boomers can’t admit when they’re wrong. Baby Boomer arrogance never dies. Because of Kent State, they want to abolish the National Guard forever. They thought the Black Panthers were on their side to.

4 out of 10 Democrats blame Israel for claiming ancestral connections to so many Nobel Prize winners like Jonas Salk. Who discovered the Vaccine for Polio, only to give it away for free like so many of those other Apartheid ruling Hitler wannabes.

Free Palestine. You’d think it was a breeding ground for future Nelson Mandela’s to clean up at Model UN.

Israelis are baby killers. So blow up a Planned Parenthood you’ll most likely Uber to, if you’re so concerned. Holla, thank you very much.

Israel is the problem. How many Palestinians are being hunted and assaulted with knifes, rocks, firebombs and UN financed missiles by Israelis who only serve in the military because they fucking have to, morons?

Fascist or racist, how is that even up for debate anymore, all the above Democrats? A white cop just got fired in Idaho for making fun of Lebron on Tik Tok. I don’t call him King of the Persecution Complex for nothing. And reverse racism against whites, Jews and Asians in this country is in full force more than ever before. Oh no he didn’t, yes I did. Holla, thank you very much.

Prince Harry thinks freedom of speech should be curtailed to curb enthusiasm over bashing balding Archie on Twitter. God forbid, you make fun of his uppity, zero gravitas exuding, spoiled rotten wife. Oh yeah, she contemplated suicide when she was pregnant with her lifetime fucking meal ticket on the line. Yeah, and Prince Harry dressed up as Hitler for Halloween like a poor man’s Charlie Chaplin to perfect the human race with a willing Heidi Klum by his bedside.

Bill Gates dismissing Melinda Gates at work. Program the pearl script command, massage my carpel tunnel, ho, you busted ass bitch. Fetch me a pea protein burger if you’re not busy stockpiling more stock.

Chris Rock says people are afraid to talk these days and comedy is sucking because of it. BLM is really shaking in their boots at the latest Toastmaster International meeting through Zoom Chris. Plus, did you ever consider comedy sucking today because all the established biggies like yourself, have become nothing more than establishment sell out propagandists for the rape enablement party like the rest?

Joe Biden’s hate crime engagement director recommends Jews stop showing off their Jewishness to avoid more hate crimes. Fine, I’ll whip out my smart phone to calculate the tip on a 20 dollar Pastrami sandwich at Katz to throw off Jewish headhunters on the prowl from Palestinian Terrorists Are Us. Holla, thank you very much.

I leave a grocery store with my mask off. A guy passes me and asks, “Are masks mandatory in there? I say, “I always take mine off immediately. Only dumb fucking alumni from Ithaca wear masks outside. It’s Cornell’s retarded next door neighbor for a reason.” Holla, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Land Of Gold Making Dreams

There’s nothing funny about our kids being forced to wear masks at school like Michael Jackson’s kids on holiday in Bahrain. Especially if they’re too young to identify with the moderate Muslim housewives of Manhattan just yet. Before Jared Kushner helped broker a peace treaty between Bahrain and Israel faster than he bursts within Ivanka in shear whenever she talks dirty to him in Mandarin on his birthday again. Still, I would love to see a viral video sensation similar to one started by the gay hairdresser Brandon Straka who started the Walk Away movement from the Democratic party to announce a Burning Mask Party in honor of my upcoming over top comedy record release, Killerset@gmail.com instead.

My daughter, Matilda, Ten Homer Daily, Singing Rose Kornbluth stars in the Burning Mask Party video and narrates as my infinitely sweeter, far funnier twin whose sports my genetic makeup all over her face.

Dear America,

Once upon a time, Trump made ball busting great again. Our economy was hotter than Florida and Antisemitism right now. Every day, more Americans worked, laughed and celebrated American exceptionalism with renewed patriotic flourish. Then, one day China used financing from Fuck Face Fauci to construct a man made virus used to kill our economy and the Trump topping presidency. So they could steal an election, avoid prosecution for treason for illegally spying on the Trump campaigning and push mail in voting, so they could cheat, steal the election and kill off the veneer of voting mattering anymore. Because of that, schools had to play along with this farce and dress up in masks to project the fake news fear of us being more likely to die from COVID than from a Seth Meyers monologue on Zoom. If I’m not scared of Trump. Then, I’m not into my mother as much as Seth Meyers. No offense mommy.

Until finally, the CDC and the WHO lifted their mask mandates despite Biden trying to push ineffective non FDA approved vaccines on kids, not knowing whether they’re more hazardous than snorting crushed up Flinstone vitamins mixed with Tide Pods just yet. From where I stand, if all the kids refuse to wear the masks, the teachers won’t have anyone left to teach. So I let’s get this burning mask party started this summer on July 4th and reclaim our independence on the eve of my Dad’s comedy record release Killerset@gmail.com. Jokes GenX Dads understand and beyond. It’s impossible to hate such non-stop hilarity like this. This comedy train is bound glory. Hope you can join the ride and help make ball busting great again to. Controlling our kids with comedy can make our kids great again. Myself and my 2 little brothers 98 percent of the time, are living proof of it, USA, USA, USA.

Michael Kornbluth

The Wuhan Mascot From Hell

Kristaps Porzingis got fined 50 grand for violating COVID player restrictions by briefly attending a strip club in LA, the night after Dallas beat the clippers. NBA commissioner Adam Silver proves again how Latvian blue balls don’t matter. I love how Kristaps Porzingis’s publicist emphasized to USA Today how her client only “briefly” attended a strip club after the game. All that proves is how Kristaps Porzingis made it rain in his sweats instead of on stage. Before spending his last Benjamin on his person on a Sombrero from a local Mariachi bandleader outside the strip club, to cover his stain of easily excitable shame, before hailing an Uber back to his hotel at the W.

Kristaps hops out the Uber with a Sombrero over his dick. He get’s bombarded by the crew from Entourage outside his Uber, waiting for an Uber of their own. Turtle says, “KP, huge fan man. Ask Vince, I always told him, my Uni would fly again. E says, “What’s with the Sombrero KP? Based on your size, I assume you got noting to hide. The entire entourage laughs. Vince chimes in. “Hey, KP were going to a party in the hill’s at Drake’s place to replace Michael Jordan’s new tequila brand with AVION from Entourage, for ruining the Jay Z concert at the new Yankee stadium. How do you put Drake on after Eminem, Dr. Dre and Jay Z? Drama adds, That’s more deflating than Turtle trying to keep his dick from slipping out of Kourtney Kardashian in a slink of shame after she banged the Cav’s old starting five when the Cavs PR manager told JR Smith to stop conducting interviews in the locker room on his hoverboard because he was high enough already. Why are you so quiet KP? Kourtney Kardashian, you know OJ’s daughter, the sloppy third Kardashian sister, whose easy to bang at 4 in the morning like a lamb Gyro in Astoria.” Turtle adds, “And for Knicks pride, I’m going to taunt every Jordan licker at this Tequila release party for MJ for never pushing Bulls management to pay Scottie Pippen more than BJ Armstrong’s nanny. By the way, tell Cuban, I say hi.”

KP tosses the Sombrero on to Sunset Strip and says, “Fuck it, let’s go. The strip club is dead anyway.” Drama says, “No shit, you can’t practice social distancing in the Champagne room. Isn’t that right, you long limbed Latvian freak? Next Drama starts to give KP a fist pump but finally notices the enormous wet spot between his legs and says, “Don’t sweat it KP. Next time, don’t wear sweats to Girls, Girls, Girls. You’ll blow out your ACL next time. Do you believe in miracles KP?” KP says, “I do Drama.” So wear rugged Levin jeans to the strip club next time, not those 200 dollar faggy seven jeans that Vinny always wears, no offense little bro. Turtle adds, ” I got faith in you KP, so does the rest of the Knick fan faithful. Shock the world like Ozzy post Black Sabbath after teaming up with Randy Rhodes and prove to Stephen A Smith, Uni will fly high again. For once, Stephen A won’t be able to blame your higher hopping ability on white priveledge as Lebron continues to drive NBA playoff ratings into China like a WUHAN Bat Mascot from hell.”

Michael Kornbluth

The Rape Enablement Party

George Floyd’s family demanding police reform in the White House.

“27 million is chump change after taxes Joe. Can I call you Joe? Mr. President sounds too imperialistic for my taste. Why don’t you call the the IRS right now and order them to exempt the Floyd family from having to pay state tax on our court settlement money. I don’t think we should be funding what’s left of the Minnesota police department until its abolished for good. You bet your ass George Floyd was an angel. High as a kite till the end. And were 27 million times richer because of it. Only in Obama’s oppressive rich America baby.” Holla, thank you very much.

If you support open borders, then you’re pro pedophilia in favor of unregulated sex trafficking of minors. So go woke yourself, you Godless, decrepit bitch. Holla, thank you very much.

1 kid only, means your diaphragm is for walls after all.

If you don’t possess the moral backbone to accuse Hamas as being the real perpetuators of genocide against their own people or admit to them being diehard fans of raping infidels in front of their victim’s kids left and right. Then you’re no better than the Muslim Sisterhood holding congresionall fortitude hostage since the day Democracy died.

Remember when Jew loving Linda Sarsour endorsed Chelsea Manning for Senate because she supports pro genital mutilation? Then, Collin Kaepernick thought it was a good look taking a selfie pick with Linda Sarsour to post on Twitter. That’s like wearing a mutilated clit on your fro bro. Last, Collin Kaepernick sports a fake news fro. Have you ever seen a bi-racial afro that large before? Slash grew it out and it was a total flop. Another bi-racial Hebrew Lenny Kravitz, never made it bounce that way. Holla, thank you very much.

How did congressional rep Baby Face Omar acknowledge the anniversary of Amy Winehouse’s death on Twitter? Did she tweet, “Something happened to a horn hiding, bee hiving sporting colonist, who exploited the great Palestinian Song Book for all it was worth?

How does Farrakhan celebrate Holocaust Remembrance Day? Does he spray Benjamin Netanyahu’s twitter feed with termite emojis from dawn till night but include the hashtag #NataliaPortman is alright? Can I holla for some Challah? Thanks to my God blessed, funny Jew bone? Thank you very much.  

If you reduce mothers to nothing more than birthing people, you’re a joyless wench. Whose sex life never felt pregnant with untapped possibility to begin with. Holla, thank you very much.

If you don’t recognize big tech and the mainstream’s media coordinated effort to conceal Bidens’ sketchy, morally comprised ties to China or the Ukraine, such as Hunter’s forgotten lap top with emails citing the standard 10 percent cut for the big guy while getting paid 50 grand week from a  sports energy drink company in the Ukraine who hired him  to push borscht as the new Kombucha. Then, you’re a glaringly unoriginal, hypocritical cunt like the rest of your sad sack team, responsible for ruining dinner parties and relationships with Jesus for overemphasizing the importance of loving our neighbors insistence on maintaining the moral high ground despite it being a mirage drowning in rapidly sinking quick sand. How do these people live with themselves knowing how they still treat Dr. Fauci with kiddy gloves after being busted for financing biochemical warfare against all of God’s green earth? But Don Lemon still treats Fuck Face Fauci like the saintly, non-fictitious version of Dr. Huxtable, drowning in Cosby’s family friendly sweaters.

Did you know Female dragonflies play dead to avoid sexual assault? Bill Cosby victims calls this wishful thinking.

How was Seinfeld oblivious to Cosby’s 4 decades of rape again? Where were your powers of observation then Jerry?

Seinfeld just auctioned off one his Porsches for charity. I hope half of those proceeds went to Larry’s kids. 

The NY Times claims working moms today spend more time with their kids than Stay At Home Moms did in the seventies. So Stay At Home Moms in the seventies slept on the job? After they were slipped one too many quaaludes, being forced to relive memories of Bill Cosby’s family friendly dentist drilling material of yesteryear again and again. I don’t get it.

In related news, Harvey Weinstein’s wife of 15 years finally divorced him. So she could focus on her lifetime battle with amnesia. But let’s stop acting like Ashley Judd is a real victim of rape. Ooh, she refused to watch Harvey Hair Clumps Weinstein shower himself down at his 5 star suite at the 4 Seasons. Then again, Ashley Judd is from Kentucky and has plenty experience judging fat pigs at the county fair.

And Kristaps Porzingis didn’t rape the girl in his apartment complex the day he tore his ACL. First, going strong to the hole was never KP’s forte. Also, do you see Harvey Weinstein or that guy from the 70’s show trying to rape Gal Gadot on only one good leg?

This is my impersonation of Russell Simmons on Gail King addressing all the sexual assault allegations against him. Gayle, read my lisp. I didn’t rape any of those vengeful, over the hill hos.

If you laughed at these jokes, it means, you’re not a humorless buzzkill or a crazed, demonically deranged, evil enabling, supporter of the rape enablement party. Mazel Tov. Too bad Morning Joe and Don Lemon will be heading up their defense on Judgement Day.

Michael Kornbluth  

Wheels Of Jew Hate Burning

This is my 9-year-old daughter playing marriage counselor again. Enough daddy, mama got your point mid breath. Holla, thank you very much.

My wife is pushing me to see a therapist for my anger management issues. I suggested primal scream therapy. Wife says, “Don’t you do that on your podcast already?” I say, “How would you know? You’re only 460 episodes behind babe. Never mind your complete lack of interest in the 7 books I’ve written since our lucky number 3 was born. John Lennon wishes he was this productive during his stay-at-home dad years.” Holla, thank you very much.  

Wife insists our 3 child Samuel, gets bored whenever he spends too much with her. I always knew he was a quick learner.

My son Samuel was bound to woo. He stops traffic at the Stop and Shop even after the prime rib sample station has closed. Random Italian grandmas consistently bum rush the kid and say, “You’re gorgeous. When you get older, you’ll have 3 girlfriends to juggle.” I’ll reply, “If James Woods had this face, your estimates wouldn’t be so conservative.”

All my fights with my wife revolve around me not making money off my comedy yet. Since I got kicked off Twitter, I can’t even write off a joke about the Chinese resisting Wuhan lab investigations more than Aquafresh as a charitable donation anymore. Holla, thank you very much.

Imagine John Lennon resenting Paul McCartney for shaming him into becoming a stay-at-home dad against his will. Paul McCartney did write Hey Jude in honor of John Lennon’s neglected son Julian, who Lennon didn’t spend much time with during the rise of Beatlemania.  2 seconds into a leisurely baby stroll through Central Park West with his 2nd kid Sean, John Lennon yells up at the sky, “Choke on a fucking Cucumber Scone Paul.  Playing the role of stay-at-home dad, is no walk in the park mate. Even primal scream therapy has its limitations, like trying to snuggle off bad acid with Yoko whenever Dr. Leary drops by with more CIA made ACID again.” Holla, Thank you very much.

The Left says there is a rise in anti-Semitism and Islamophobia.  Arabs chanting “Hitler was right” and “Allah is great” while beating up pushover Jews in the streets of New York, London, and Los Angeles, with the blunt ends of Palestinian flag poles while the cops do shit to protect them, doesn’t mirror the act of extending an olive branch in the hopes of giving peace another chance either. I don’t see these sparks of divinity inspiring observant Jews to skip Shabbat dinner at home in favor of going to a new oxygen bar opening in Astoria once the mask mandate is cleared in NY either.

Palestinians attacking Jews in the subway, asking random New Yorkers who’s Jewish, so they could beat the shit of them with the ends of Palestinian flag poles doesn’t inspire me to try out that authentic shawarma stand in Astoria, despite the elite Yelper claiming, “It’s worth getting your skull cap crushed into your cranium for it.” The elite yelper throws in a warning advisory label in her review to and says, “Just don’t call random Palestinians attacking Jews in broad daylight, Islamic supremacists, that’s a big no go zone area in Allah’s book. Bill Maher would concur. Because he knows Israel will never achieve a 2-state solution with Palestine if Hamas keeps fucking.” Holla, thank you very much.

I’m afraid to reveal the totality of my Mezuzah necklace on the subways in NY these days. That doesn’t make me Islamophobic. It just means I’m scared of getting pushed on to the subway track and having my white man’s disease preventing me from jumping back up to the subway platform in a NY minute in the nick of time. I can’t even do one legitimate pull up if my Do It All Dad Tree Trunk was riding on it. But I’m supposed to be overly confident in adrenaline alone to catapult me high enough to grab on to the subway platform before pulling myself up to safety like the Jewish Stallone in Cliffhanger? Yeah, and Rashida Talib is the Chief Happiness Officer for Breitbart.

Imagine being surrounded by a bunch of crazed Palestinian nationalists on the subway, demanding for you to tell them if you’re Jewish, without having to prove it by whipping out your business card from Goldman Sachs 1st.

Equity research analyst David Rosenbluth from Short Hills, New Jersey tenses immediately and says, “Jewish, no, of course not. Look, under my arm, I still read the New York Times. I don’t even know how many zeros are in a trillion. I count with my fingers for simple arithmetic, which your people invented from what I’ve read in the Atlantic, Mazel Tov. Oh vey! Please don’t kill me. I’ll block Mark Ruffalo on Twitter. Israel is guilty of genocide, not Mao, Stalin or Pol Pot. I voted for Obama twice. I think Farsi is the most beautiful sound in the universe to. And Obama loves Hitler. Obama wishes he was that organized. Gassing all his nuke deal critics would be a gas. Palestinian nationalist says, “You’re too funny for a WASP. Samir, chop his fucking head off. So we can jump for joy like it’s 9/11 again already. And I thought David Lee Roth was a long-winded Jew.”

This is Mark Ruffalo apologizing to Jon Stewart about accusing Israel of genocide. Mark Ruffalo calls. “Hey, Jon, it’s Mark. Sorry about accusing Israel of genocide despite them giving Hamas plenty of advance warning to get their kids the fuck out of dodge before they strike back again and again. Normally, genocidal maniacs like Mao prefer to starve millions to death. And Jews don’t like to blow through money if they can avoid it.” Jon Stewart says, “Don’t sweat it, Mark. I don’t care if you repeat old school Farrakhan talking points like the mulatto version of Public Enemy. Nor do I care if Palestinians get green with envy about the Jews controlling the Federal Reserve and all the banks in the North Pole to. I let Trever Noah reveal what partisan hacks my Emmy winning writers have become by siding with ANTIFA and BLM to silence any form of speech that paints them or their enablers in the White House and establishment media as the fascist, racist terrorist enablers that they are, regardless of how much CNN orders Kamal Bell to pontificate otherwise like a schlumpy, unfunny Paul Mooney for hire. I also didn’t press Obama on my show to do a better job of selling his time out deal with Iran, which had less legs than Lieutenant Dan. So, what difference does it make?” Hillary Hammer Time Cankles lives. Holla, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth