Do It All Dad Does Cherry Picking

INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON

Do It All Dad

I’m in London because my wife got tickets to see Bjork for her birthday. I wanted to see the Shrieking Seals personally.

You want to make a guy limp? Reference, “your husband”, and admit to only watching the Super Bowl for the commercials.

Bill and Hillary got booed at a Billy Joel show at MSG. Because Bill Joel’s greatest hits are prized as lullaby music for eighties Republicans.

The birthrate for NY is at an all time low. Lena’s Dunham’s encouraged frumpy look on Instagram isn’t helping. Overweight hipsters are also pulling out prematurely from excessive meat sweats.

How has my life changed since I became a Dad? Drinking alone is no longer an issue.

How has my life changed since I’ve become a dad? I don’t have panic attacks anymore. Now I’m a bigger believer in God knowing God didn’t give me 3 unplanned kids to have a panic attack over it. God didn’t have the same confidence in you obviously.

How has my life changed since I became a Dad? I’m no longer friends with my Dad on Facebook because since retiring to Scottsdale, Arizona, 3 grandchildren later, he doesn’t do the cold anymore. Now he just beats it to the Weather Channel. My dad’s tennis instructor in Arizona, claims, my dad’s forehand has never been stronger.

Who vapes in their thirties? My douche bag brother-in-law who took 7 years to never graduate college does. My brother in law is like Van Wilder minus the degree and rich Dad.

When the Lakers lose to the Clippers in the playoffs this year, Obama will be crushed. Consoling himself with a bunch of Almond Joys in his man cave in Martha’s Vineyard, hid behind the box of duct tape from Costco. Joan lives

Hillary wants to retire Trump. Wasn’t Hillary the out of touch, older than dirt windbag, who couldn’t even make it to Wisconsin to campaign for the founders of the Onion to push the fake news Russian collusion story on her behalf , also?

Hasbro, who also owns Barbie after buying Mattel just bought Death Row Records. That’s a smart PR move, knowing Snoop Dog’s brain hovers a notch below porn hood hell. Is Old E now, Ken’s ho sprayer of choice?

Hasbro just bought Death Row Records after merging with Mattel. The new CEO of Hasbro is a Trump follower on Twitter. The new mission statement for the company is F the PC Police. He offered Kayne West the job of Creative Play Officer.

Jumping the shark would be Hasbro renaming Lincoln Logs, over cries of racism. The CEO of Hasbro proposes renaming them Obama Logs. A Trump supporter executive interjects, “But in his youth, Obama studied the Koran under a tent in Kenya.”

20 minutes later, the bartender still hasn’t asked for my drink order. The sexy black sisters I was flirting with at the bar ask me, “What took so long?” I say, ” I’m white privilege incarnate. It’s the price I must pay for being 1st in line for everything.”

I think it’s great you’re still doing comedy at your age is a backhanded compliment. In other words, “It takes courage to pretend you’re funny enough to make it as a comedian, 2 decades after you wrote your 1st Friends spec script.”

If love is all you need Sir Paul, then why do I shove off my beautiful, fuss free son as a whole, whenever he crowds me too much on the couch again? I shouldn’t love old school Arliss episodes on HBO Go this much.

Michael Kornbluth

The House That Gentrification Built

AOC hating on Brooklyn hipsters. Williamsburg is Disneyland for Hipsters. It used to be, Miss Yorktown Heights, but this was ages ago, back when Lena Dunham had much skinnier arms and wasn’t so full of herself.

Now AOC doesn’t want white hipsters dancing on the same steps as the Joker did because they’re in the boogie down Bronx. Stop acting like an old school g AOC, who threw batteries at Jim Rice before the House of Gentrification was built, Miss Yorktown Heights.

Kayne West for President in 2024? Boy, would that piss Obama off. He made Jesus Walks, ain’t never going to hell. Kim passed the bar. Criminal Justice Lawyers are so hot right now.

Joe Rogan blasting the practice of Trans athletes competing against woman. They’re shattering every record. Men never come out as Trans Girl Athletes. Would you want your daughter trading blows with a Cyborg with tits in the Octagon?

What’s going to be Bloomberg’s campaign slogan exactly? I’ll work for free also. I’ve already bled Wall Street with my overpriced Bloomberg terminals for all their worth.

Facebook removed all articles mentioning the whistle blower’s identity. Like Hillary’s people are going take him out like Epstein, resister, twitter twats please.

University of Florida students want the student body president impeached over the Don. Jr. visit. Since, when do students there care about anything but pounding Coors Light? Because they’re easy to pound like yenta’s from Long Island on Spring Break.

Stephen King proving why he’s overrated. “Everybody knows Trump is dumb as a fence post.” Are you filling out stadiums for readings of Pet Sematary? Despite your 5.2 million Twitter followers sounding like hysterical cat ladies 24/7.

INT. HOME

Wife

Will have to get another gift for the birthday party.

Do It All Dad

I’ll have to get another gift for the party because I can’t rely on my wife to read the fine print on Evite’s while I’m trying to make the universe laugh for a living.

ABC is preparing a series inspired by female Obama staffers. Does Valerie Jarrett count, knowing she actually lives with him now? You know, the main drafter of the Iran Deal, Obama’s Arabian Horse Whisperer. Now, that’s funny Roseanne.

My wife failing at being empathetic. So, you only have 1 full day to work next week. When you start making more money, we can hire help for the baby. You’re still not getting the kids ready during morning’s you can help anyway babe.

My mother in law used her fake news cancer scare to guilt her daughter into getting her Jew blood tainted granddaughter baptized. Before I meet Jesus, get my granddaughter baptized. Don’t let your Jew demon husband cock block her way into Heaven.

De Blasio insists anti-cop sentiment is a right wing conspiracy. Because becoming a face of a sanctuary city for 8 million people, means you have law and order’s back in addition to actual American citizens no matter what.

De Blasio insists anti-cop sentiment is a right wing conspiracy. Because doing dick to stop entitled Generation Z, Subway Skipper Riders to punch cops for enforcing the law gives that impression putz breath.

NY Post, stop with the Knicks had no choice but to trade KP. You always have a choice, Sean Spicer’s choice of dance partners at the Sky Bar in West Hollywood, not so much.

Amber Heard requested her ex Johnny Depp submit to a mental health evaluation. Hunter did say it best. Actors like to hang out with me because of my gun collection. Actors like to play with guns.

Smoking weed became a mental strain once my daughter started asking super hard questions to answer on it. Daddy, if God created the universe, who created God? God went back in time, in a time machine made by Elon Musk. Thanks for making me an atheist at 4 dad.

Michael Kornbluth

Punchlines on Fire

Planned Parenthood has a sex ed book out, In Case You’re Curious. One of the earlier chapters is, Is 12 too young to know I’m bi? Doesn’t that depend on how many puberty blockers you took? So, mom has the gay best friend she never had.

Planned Parenthood has a sex ed book out, In Case You’re Curious. One of the earlier chapters is, Can You Die From Masturbating Too Much? My advice to my kids. It doesn’t hurt trying, after you outgrow your sweaty sex period, which lasts 3 months max.

Planned Parenthood has a sex ed book out now, called, In Case You’re Curious. Reminds me of my graphic novel Bi-Curious George, for sexually confused hipster spawn reared on Lou Reed records in Bushwick.

Confessions of a vegetarian. Carl Lewis was one, so was Edwin Moses. Still not enough protein? You over the hill, never had an athletic prime, hipster hack.

 

How is the border wall racist Bernie? I didn’t know walls could be accused of hate speech now. Are you calling the wall racist because our US military is building it, despite most of the men in the armed forces being men of color, blowhard breath?  Ban ICE Bernie? Because homeland security, was so weapons of mass destruction years.  Joan lives.

INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON

Do It All Dad

How is England considering Jeremy Corbyn as your next Prime Minister? He plugged Hamas on Iranian TV as brothers in arms. And I thought France, Germany and Switzerland were in dire straits.

 

INT. COFFEE SHOP

Random Woman

Does your light-saber light up?

Son

It’s a light-saber.

Do It All Dad

It’s self explanatory babe. Wax your face hair, and maybe my son’s light-saber will brighten up in your presence.

INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON

Do It All Dad

The Church of England is so desperate to fill it’s empty seats, some parishes are setting up pop up mini golf, banking on the prospect of being able to drain more balls again like Elton John in 86. Those were the days.

 

 

 

How can you respect the news media knowing they protected the likes of Harvey Hair Clumps Weinstein and Epstein as if their meal tickets depended on it? Despite their insistence on being heroes to the American people, who give Bubba a pass.

 

INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON

Do It All Dad

How is England considering Jeremy Corbyn as your next Prime Minister? He called Hamas brothers on Iranian TV the way I call black guys in New York with affection, who love old school Nasty Nas.

 

INT. Home

Jimmy Kimmel

Who cares if ABC didn’t run the Epstein story? Fanatical Trump supporters are the ones more obsessed with pedophilia than the Democrats.

Wife

You don’t want to do stand up in middle America for a living, I get it Jimmy

 

INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON

Do It All Dad

Just 1 in 5 people in Britain say the Bible is irrelevant to them. How hard is Ricky Gervais right now? Not even Steve Carrel on the Teli, advertising his latest 100 million blockbuster can bring it down.

 

Jimmy Kimmel tensing. Poll says, herpes can beat Trump in the 2020. In other words, he expects Trump to reemerge triumphant, as a scarring reminder of how limited the powers of introspection are for a hick comic from Vegas. Weird, weak Howard sucks to.

 

It’s an insult to call Greg Giraldo a great roaster. No it isn’t. True standup is a punchline sprint, not a meandering, act out with your hands with no hard punchlines in sight like Dane Cook for the past 15 years and counting. Greg Giraldo was Tommy Hearns.

Michael Kornbluth

Born Again Newborn Dads

How do you make a newborn dad feel extra special after his wife just squeezed out a real-life Mr. Potato Head? Because let’s be honest, folks, newborn dads, regardless if they’ve provided the love gun blast power for previous babies over wearing pajamas at 5 already the way Miley Cyrus is over trying to please her pan-sexual critics. Newborn dads aren’t given special gift consideration after they become a born-again newborn dad, despite the likelihood of them losing everything including the house and custody of their kids in New York State, the moment the wife decides to leave him for an eventual in-house replacement dad. The odds of Dad coming out on the winning end are low, knowing woman today expect husbands to do more than just bang out the bills and more kids every other 2 years, whether they’re planned or not. So, make a born again newborn dad feel less isolated, less depreciated and less taken for granted, by helping him drink in the occasion of becoming a born again newborn dad, by doing more than giving an all-star addition baby bib, gift store flowers and semi succulent, edible arrangements for his wife.

Likes on Facebook for new baby announcement pics are nice. But what makes a born-again newborn dad feel extra special is a sumptuous, American made Bourbon with balls. Assuming, he pours himself a generous pour of love in a paper cup without his wife’s permission 1st. Once newborn dad comes home from the hospital, he can pour himself a second generous serving of soul glow love, relishing the start of his newborn’s short lived stint of 20 hour naps, taking in the pure beautified gleam of his newborn baby, thinking, drinking alone when mama’s out of the house eventually, is no longer an issue.

I’m reflecting on gifts for born again newborn dad’s, for a couple of reasons. First, my family of 5 just adopted a cat, Woodstock. She was seen hitchhiking on Woodstock Street. Haven’t decided whether I should start a YouTube Channel dedicated to me reading chapters to it from Trump’s Art of The Deal, so I can go viral already. Similar to 2 out of our 3 kids, this new family addition wasn’t planned nor was the new family addition proclamation received with too much emotive glee from our absentee out of state, baby boomer parents either because baby boomer arrogance never dies. And if we don’t raise a family the way they did, we’re the delusional, deplorable, crazy ones for not insisting on sucking off the weird, creepy, alleged all-knowing aura of Bob Dylan for all it’s worth. Despite the Grateful Dead turning Dylan down after he asked to play with the band on a full-time basis. Jerry was like, “Yeah Bob, we love your songs and everything, with your permission I’d love to sing Visions of Johanna solo, but we already named our last album Dylan and the Band, despite us selling out major league stadiums versus barely filling out minor league ones on your Rolling Thunder Tour. And let’s be frank Bob, do I look like I’d ever rock the Mascara look with a feathered boa hat to downplay my folksy, homely Jewishness? Despite your train hopping, man of the literate Steinbeck book people cred. Granted, we let Robert Hunter write some our star songs, but he never asked us to replace Pig Men on the harmonica either.” I took my 1st born child, Matilda Singing Rose Kornbluth, to a Further show, new version of the Dead at Bethel Woods, site of the original Woodstock days after her 2nd birthday. After taking her for a regretful lap around the grassy filled parking lot scene, taking in dinged up hippies zapping whatever brain cells remained left from more nitrous balloon hits, she points at one of the nitrous balloons on display and says, “Dada, birthday, and I say, no, burnout day.” Material, I’ve heard of worst reasons to have unplanned kids.

But let’s get back to my mom’s reply via text to a video showing our new adopted cat scurry behind our couch in her new home as my now eight-year-old daughter’s eyes flicker with newborn, endlessly curious, anticipatory delight on par with her tingly embrace of her baby brother on the forehead for her 1st joining together with her younger brother in the hospital with such graceful, delicate, love at 1st sight splendidness. So, to receive a meh, less than enthralling reply from my mother in relation to our new family addition announcement video only illuminated what a sucky feeling it was after my 3 kids were born, to never receive any special gift shout outs from my younger brother, parents and friends for becoming a born again newborn dad, which is a blown opportunity if you want to talk deplorable.

In the end all my mom could muster to this once in a lifetime moment video from her Arizona estate home was, “I’m happy for Matilda and your family.” Translation, my 1st born identifies with sexless, isolated cat ladies on the Upper West Side. And I don’t see her oversharing at her Bridge Club about re-branding her son as a stay at home cat lady either.

The other reason I’m reflecting on born again newborn dad’s is because my wife’s best friend just had her 1st child at the same hospital she works in the NICU and Labor and Delivery for as the unofficial boob doctor whisper/lactation expert on breasting feeding. Emphasizing how all the long term benefits of breast feeding for your kids far outweighs the minor, short lived inconvenience of turning your bed into an after hours milk bar, all depending on whether the husband get’s permission from the wife to pull the plug on his life blaster for good, sooner than later. But what’s unique about this born-again newborn dad is how he’s a divorced dad who has an 11-year-old daughter from his past marriage. So, he’s a born-again newborn dad with a new lifetime partner in love, reflecting a new lease on life. Because now he can teach his new child better than the last because he didn’t have the weighty life coach musings on MMA and CBD hand creams from the Joe Rogan podcast under his belt yet.

What I’ve developed a heightened respect for since becoming a born again newborn dad 3 times over, is the fleeting specialness of that post birth bliss in the hospital, as you bask in the glorious, picture perfect sight of your new and improved seed with a full set of hair, thank God. Bursting with unlimited potential to outshine any baby boomer claim to fame because baby boomer parents don’t always know best. You do, because you know how it feels to be depreciated, taken for granted and talked to down by self-righteous authority figures, incapable of life altering, introspection. As a result, you dedicate your life to make sure your children received less of the same old situation and do everything in your power to ensure your children feel great about whatever their passionate about doing and never apologize for pursuing their bliss like Miley Cyrus next time she declares to her adoring female fans on Instagram, “You don’t have to be gay, there are good men out there.” I agree Miley, that’s why I got my wife’s best friend, a bottle of 914 Bourbon in honor of his new son, born in 914, under my wife’s steady, loving guidance in the delivery room and beyond. It doesn’t matter how my wife had to fish for a thank you note of acknowledgement out of her best friend via text on the behalf of her born again newborn husband, who I dropped the gift off for while holding my lucky number 3 born in the same hospital, instead of delivering my gift in person because they were sleeping in the 1st place.

In my wife’s friend thank you text, she called it a “mitzvah.” Technically speaking, a mitzvah is a commandment from God. So, in actuality the gift was more an affirmation of Miley Cyrus’s assertion of better men being out there, who continue to deliver generous pours of love when the moment calls for it, despite feeling incredibly shortchanged in return. Because fatherhood wants any good man, the opportunity to do better than before and nothing beats a newborn dad kind of love.

Michael Kornbluth

Rants of a Hungry Heart

Best compliment I received today. Your rants are like candy.

Pence ripping the NBA. Lebron James isn’t a man of the people or God, commie controlled, fake news hate crime reporting, uneducated, resister Twitter twat Philistine is more like it. Does he bless his wine before giving it to his Hillary siding son?

Bette Midler praising the neighbor who attacked Rand Paul. You’re the wind beneath my gremlin wings, when ANTIFA isn’t rumbling against the Proud Boys in Manhattan, who go to jail because they look more like menacing Paul Bunyan types than vegan hoodies.

A Florida man was arrested after pulling a machete on woman who refused to date him. Now, that’s an MS 13 love doctor in the making.

A Florida man was arrested after pulling a machete on a woman who refused to date him. Were they embarking on a romantic stroll through the rain forest prior, like in Romancing the Stone? I don’t get it.

The headline Bob Weir shredded at 72, makes me want to throw more than stones. Good to know Weir has time to meditate, cross fit, and do 3 hour Dead & Company shows with John Mayer when I can’t even catch a Roy Cohen doc in the burbs without it selling out for the 5pm Saturday show.

Mayor Pete admitting to smoking pot. It helped loosen me up before I got inhaled by the Hoosier mascot on the back of a 98 Ford Explorer. Bob Seger thought his abs were hard as rocks.

63% of GOP voters think the party should be more like Trump and less like Mitt Romney’s fake news magical knickers.

INT. Home

Do It All Dad

You can’t call Daddy, a racist, deplorable Trump supporter when I get you a black fairy Barbie Matilda. Not that she needs any added high flying hopping ability.

Whoopie being triggered by plant based burgers on the View. I’m not telling Vegans to cut out eating pea protein because it makes them more hysterical than Ted Danson when we used to make love with the lights on, no amount of dark face could conceal.

Return of the Jedi is the best Star Wars. Luke learns about sucking face with his sister. Yoda and Darth die in it, which is like Apollo and Mick dying in the same movie. Yoda’s still busts Luke’s balls about never finishing his training. Jabba bites the dust.

Eminem being interviewed by the Secret Service. You don’t really think Melania would sleep with an albino wigger, past his prime, do you? Also, Trump lifted the ban on Jewish membership at Mar A Lago Slim on Facts Shady. What do Dre’s nutz taste like, Chronic dipped in Cognac?

A Florida man was accused of giving beer to an Alligator. He gave the Florida Gator a spare Coors Light that’s lightweight and easy to pound like any yentabreath from Long Island on Spring Break. They should make toothpaste taste like Coors Light, so I don’t taste anything afterwards.

Michael Kornbluth

Did I Watch The Oscars Rape Wood?

INT. Goodwill
Daughter
Why would anyone donate a diamond glittered glove?
Stay At Home Comedian
Michael Jackson impersonators being put out of business permanently. Finding Never Employable Again Land.

Int. Everyday Diner
Stay At Home Comedian
Cherry, Coke.
Waitress
It’s Pepsi Cherry Coke.
Stay At Home Comedian
I thought Jussie Smollet was desperate for attention.
I’ll have a regular Coke. The ghost of Michael Jackson creeps again.

INT. HOME SWEET HOME-NY
FATHER IN LAW
Matilda, when you were 1 where were you living?
STAY AT HOME COMEDIAN
Not in Delaware with Baba and Jida, devoid of all living color in more ways than one.

INT. CAR
Daughter
Daddy, is God a boy or a girl?
Stay At Home Comedian
George Carlin called God an office temp with a shitty attitude.
Daughter
I can see that.
Stay At Home Comedian
Stop acting so evolved at 8 years old already.

INT. CAR
Daughter
Daddy, is God a boy or a girl?
Stay At Home Comedian
If it was up to Bill Maher it would be a dreamy cross section in the middle.
Daughter
Daddy, was that a Michelle Obama Trans reference resulting in you getting murderd?

INT. HOME
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
To hear Spike downplay the Alt Left’s escalating role in Charlottesville, doing their best Bomb Squad meets Beverly Hills Ninja impersonation?

Memo to Monique.
If Michael Jackson were alive to defend himself. His defense would be what? I bought homes for these kids parents and financed their shopping sprees on Rodeo Drive because Beatles royalty points can’t buy me love?

INT. HOME
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
Kayne didn’t. Plus, I don’t waste my time hearing celebs in gated communities, espousing one manufactured hate crime crisis after the next.

INT. HOME
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
Why, did Spike Lee insist Kevin Hart dropped out from hosting the awards to downplay his ties to the ruling, gay hip hop mafia?

INT. HOME
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
Kevin Hart or not, the laughs would be short in this age of Me to raped by Harvey Hair Clumps Weinstein or by Cosby’s ironically low hanging pants.

INT. HOME INT. HOME
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
Did the woman in white stand up to applaud Holocaust war hero liberators during Trump’s state of the union? Baby Face Omar can’t go against brand.
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
Only Rape Wood’s allowed to resist?

INT. HOME
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
Clint Eastwood said Obama is the biggest fraud ever imposed upon the American Republic. I’ll take Clint’s word for it over Al Sharpton Lee, thanks.

INT. HOME
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
Did Kevin Spacey buy the Old Vic Theater in London to lunge backstage at men in tights? Wait a sec, Kevin Spacey obviously did. No, I didn’t watch it.

INT. HOME
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
To watch Bradley Cooper pretend he wants to bang Lady Gaga in real life?

INT. HOME
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
If the golden Jew Adam Sandler hosted, sure. Trump’s the Anti-Christ. But Jesus defeats him. So have some faith in the Jesus comeback story people?

INT. HOME
Paddington scene with Hugh Grant.
Father in Law
He’s a Shylock.
Stay at Home Comedian
That’s a blatantly anti-Semitic, Shakespearian term used by mutt Mic, Limey cross breeds like your dumb ass father in law kids. But I’m the racist deplorable.

At this rate any more Obama shit talking coming out of baby face Omar white washes any demonizing of Israel or it’s supporters out of her pretty, innocent face for me. Please God, don’t let this be a one time fluke. Someone tell her about Joan Rivers already.

Really wish I didn’t see any interview excerpt of David Lee Roth on Joe Rogan. His laugh makes Seth’s Rogan’s laugh sound cool. Also, I’m not buying Dave being the bigger alpha male sex god in comparison to Sammy. Despite Sammy singing of love more often.

Baby Face Omar ripping Obama again.
Obama loves Hitler more than Trump. Obama wishes he was that organized. Exterminating all of his nosy critics at Fox News and Judicial Watch would be a gas.

Outsiders film review 20 years later.
C. Thomas Howell’s agent should burn in hell for wrecking his career. Machio did Karate Kid too soon. Emilio Estevez is golden in everything. And Matt Dillon mugs for the camera like Johnny Drama with his shirt off.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth