Tag: advice

Chosen Curls

by doitalldadyear, posted in humor, poetry, writing

I’m against sex changes before Johnny Appleseed blooms under his Fruit of Looms.

Joy Reid never reports any stories about retractable buyer’s remorse.

Hello Kitty, formerly known as Johnny Appleseed grinds behind a fat ass Latina at the China Club as Rum Shaker turns the mother out.

Hello Kitty, formerly known as Johnny Appleseed, wants to flex his surging point of interest from behind, yet Hello Kitty’s missing link to rap’s golden era is gone, gone baby gone. Hip Hop isn’t the only thing that’s dead. So is solo flexing behind the second coming of Chaka Kahn, Challah. Thank you very much.

My 5-year-old son wants me to get him steroids for Hanukah so he could be diesel like Stallone in Rocky 4. He launched into a series of one-arm pushups the moment I played him the Rocky 1 soundtrack on vinyl for Hannukah. Technically speaking, my son’s Nutsy Russell’s can’t any smaller. Plus, he doesn’t like kids playing with his curls in class. Now, he’ll slap the smirk off the skinhead at school who was fucking with his chosen curls to begin with. Chosen Curls is bound to woo, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Punchlines on Fire

by doitalldadyear, posted in Uncategorized

Planned Parenthood has a sex ed book out, In Case You’re Curious. One of the earlier chapters is, Is 12 too young to know I’m bi? Doesn’t that depend on how many puberty blockers you took? So, mom has the gay best friend she never had.

Planned Parenthood also a sex ed book out, In Case You’re Curious. One of the earlier chapters is, Can You Die From Masturbating Too Much? My advice to my kids. It doesn’t hurt trying, after you outgrow your sweaty sex period, which only lasts 3 months max anyway.

Planned Parenthood has a sex ed book out now, called, In Case You’re Curious. Reminds me of my graphic novel Bi-Curious George, for sexually confused hipster spawn reared on Lou Reed records in Bushwick.

Carl Lewis was a vegetarian,, so was Edwin Moses. Still not enough protein? You over the hill, hipster hack.

 

How is the border wall racist Bernie? I didn’t know walls could be accused of hate speech now. Are you calling the wall racist because our US military is building it, despite most of the men in the armed forces being men of color, blowhard breath?  Ban ICE Bernie? Because homeland security, was so weapons of mass destruction years.  Joan lives.

INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON

Do It All Dad

How is England considering Jeremy Corbyn as your next Prime Minister? He plugged Hamas on Iranian TV as brothers in arms. And I thought France, Germany and Switzerland were in dire straits.

 

INT. COFFEE SHOP

Random Woman

Does your light-saber light up?

Son

It’s a light-saber.

Do It All Dad

It’s self explanatory babe. Wax your face hair, and maybe my son’s light-saber will brighten up in your presence.

INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON

Do It All Dad

The Church of England is so desperate to fill it’s empty seats, some parishes are setting up pop up mini golf outside the Church grounds. I’m sure that move isn’t raising eyebrows, trying to lure kids back into church through mini-golf to drain more balls than Elton John again.

 

 

 

How can you respect the news media knowing they protected the likes of Harvey Hair Clumps Weinstein and Epstein as if their meal tickets depended on it? Despite their insistence on being heroes to the American people, who give Bubba a pass.

 

INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON

Do It All Dad

How is England considering Jeremy Corbyn as your next Prime Minister? He called Hamas brothers on Iranian TV the way I call black guys in New York with affection, who love old school Nasty Nas.

 

INT. Home

Jimmy Kimmel

Who cares if ABC didn’t run the Epstein story? Fanatical Trump supporters are the ones more obsessed with pedophilia than the Democrats.

Wife

You don’t want to do stand up in middle America for a living, I get it Jimmy

 

INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON

Do It All Dad

Just 1 in 5 people in Britain say the Bible is irrelevant to them. How hard is Ricky Gervais right now? Not even Steve Carrel on the Teli, advertising his latest 100 million blockbuster can bring it down.

 

Jimmy Kimmel tensing. Poll says, herpes can beat Trump in the 2020. In other words, he expects Trump to reemerge triumphant, as a scarring reminder of how limited the powers of introspection are for a hick comic from Vegas. Weird, weak Howard sucks to.

 

It’s an insult to call Greg Giraldo a great roaster. No it isn’t. True standup is a punchline sprint, not a meandering, act out with your hands with no hard punchlines in sight like Dane Cook for the past 15 years and counting. Greg Giraldo was Tommy Hearns.

Michael Kornbluth