Vegas HBO Special Dreaming

I think it’s great you’re still doing comedy at your age means they don’t like funny Jews for real.

You’d rather have W as President over Trump? I don’t see Trump freeze up after learning the World Trade Center was hit because he felt like a sucker puppet pawn bitch of the deep state, you deplorable east coast townie hick.

Seinfeld just auctioned off some Porsches for charity. I hope half of those proceeds went to Larry’s kids. Can I get a holla? For some A list, yenta breath dumpage, Challah.

New Yorkers are having less babies than ever, especially in Brooklyn. Fat hipsters are pulling out early from meat sweats.

INT. Jet Blue

Model

On Adderall I feel like I can do everything.

Do It All Dad

Then why haven’t you tried to make me cum with ferocious eye fucking intensity like Jenna Jameson with your cloths on yet? Focus and crank up the dosage already.

INT. HIPSTER BAR-VAN NUYS, CA

Do It All Dad

You don’t see a Pear Saison every day. And this one doesn’t taste like sour vase water either.

INT. PALAZZO-VEGAS

Marc Cuban walks solo in my direction on the casino floor.

Do It All Dad

Congrats on snagging KP for a box of Cotton Candy Cuban. Uni will fly again.

Marc Cuban laughs long time.

Aerosmith in Vegas was perfection. Sweet Emotion, Rag Doll, Chip Away At The Stone, Rag Doll, Toys In The Attic, Dream On of course, even Angel on the piano for a bit. And Joe Perry made Slash sound heavily formulaic in comparison.

Similar to seeing any Dead show or Roger Waters at the MSG doing the Wall before becoming Linda Sarsour’s go to fluffer to secrete slimier, hate spewage on CNN. It was impossible not to sing the entirety of lyrics for most of the Aeorsmith songs in Vegas baby.

My old LA bud invites our Marquee bottle service waitress to see Aerosmith which makes my presence feel depreciated like Hillary, the 1st time Bill brought home Paula Jones after giving a speech on saving the Aardvarks.

I screened a random sliz my friend invited to see Aerosmith at the last sec. Big Aerosmith fan huh? Whose six pack woud you rather do bumps on Perry or Tyler? She says. Hard choice. I say. Fine you pass. At least, you didn’t say Meatloaf.

I saw Allan Houston at the Wynn in town for the NBA summer league. Dolan must have given him tenure because he looked chiller than Eddie Griffin in his trailer on 420 sipping banana Daiquiri’s on the set of Deuce Bigalow 2.

INT. JFK BAR

Random Girl

My father would love your podcast. He’s retired in Fort Myers, Florida and bored out of his mind.

Do It All Dad

My podcasts are more frequent and tad less self-referential than Trump rallies.

Old bud annoying me again. Reminding me why he stayed out my life as long as he did.

So pumped you got on stage. I need to grow a pair again.

No, you need to get better at writing jokes and detecting passive aggressive, cloaked backhanded compliments.

Actually, I did more than just go on stage and bare my best gems from the past 3 years. I actually scored laughs and freedom of speech celebrating coolness cred from real deal hippy Dead Head musician hippies man.

22 U.N countries condemn China for its Muslim concentration camps. AOC wasn’t invited for the grand tour. I don’t think Amir has the balls to ask for Halal only meals. And I still don’t think the Chinese give a shit about proper teeth care. Most of the communist leaders of China look better with air masks on than off.

Apple co-founder urges all to delete their Facebook account because Facebook sold your private info to Cambridge Analytica. God forbid, the Trump campaign use that info to garget ads based on Toby Keith playlists likes and shares.

INT. JET BLUE

Model

Are you a Trump supporter?

Do It All Dad

Yes, but you’ve enjoyed my playful banter such as me insisting my wife drove my neck into your Volley Ball strong hands by never offering me a ride to the airport.

INT. BAR-JFK

Do It All Dad

Why didn’t the bartender think I was with you scrumptious sisters? He didn’t ask for my drink order because I’m white privilege incarnate, whose always been 1st in line for everything.

Scrumptious sisters laugh long time.

Bill Maher ripped Bill Clinton for visiting Lolita Island 22 times in the past.

Bill’s production company is called Kid Love Productions.

He has to care about the kids. It’s his company’s mission statement of proclamation for Christ sake.

Least sexiest sentence in the English language.
Twitter’s algorithm’s are preventing Bill Mitchell’s tweets from being read.

You mean the ones about how Jeff Sessions was a White Walker instead of being an overrated hick?

A stay at home dad from Kansas was invited to the White House for a conservative summit. But only accepted the invite if his identity was concealed because he feared retaliation from his family.

ANTIFA’s in Kansas now? We’re so screwed, Toto.

Delete your Facebook account. Doesn’t your privacy matter to you anymore Yes, that’s why I defriended my parents on Facebook. Not that I post on Facebook anymore but it’s my intention to block them from a front row seats of their grandchildren playing without them that counts.

Whenever I see Ben Shapiro trending on Twitter, I want to puke up uncooked Matzo meal. Did Ben not get invited to the White House for Trump’s conservative Social Media summit? Because the Jewish Tucker minus the preppy ties is overkill.

I hate the expression Conservative Social Media Personalities. None of them have one. Bill Mitchell couldn’t score a dandruff commercial in 86. Candace Owens is very factual. She’s a more colorful alternative to Charlie Kirk but not really.

 

Conservative social media personalities were invited to the White House today to discuss big tech censorship. Are they allowed to admit how much more sophisticated and funnier they felt about themselves after reading Milo’s rushed, laugh free, fake news deep book?

I hate indifferent Roulette spinners in Vegas.

I’m obviously losing only on my kids birthdays again and again.

I’d welcome any negative spin over the humorless mute act.

Look like your kids were born under unlucky signs.

INT. JET BLUE

PILOT

The door turns into a raft.

Do It All Dad

I picked the right day, to quit collecting Marlboro miles.

I hate woman who think they can just grab your bottle of Grey Goose. Which your friend drops 3 grand on for bottle service at the club, just for the alleged, turn on of his crew being in sniffing distance of such classy, fine tail.

Waiting on line at Starbucks is like waiting on burn out pretension in a cup. After you’ve assumed control of your speed addiction, money and time at home using Nespresso pods and a French Press instead.

Best compliment in Vegas.

When you do your HBO special in Vegas.

Now, that’s a compliment, a very giving one, from a one time divorced, Jewish realtor from the valley no less. I’ll take it. Love you back to dude.

 

Michael Kornbluth