Reimagining Tea For Dad

Dad says, “Tea is gay.”

I say, “Do you want your 1st born to achieve his Do It All Dad Year or not?”

Dad says, “Does your Do It All Dad Year include you doing guys on the down low? I don’t get it.”

I reply, “I bet the voice of Alexa isn’t manly enough for you pops. Why don’t I change the voice of Alexa to the voice of Scarlett Johansson who sounds like she’s stuck between estrogen throat blocker treatments.”

Dad says, “I’d change the voice of Alexa to Samuel L. Jackson.”

I say, “Alexa, who told Samuel L Jackson it looks cool to dress up like Spike Lee’s Grandma, who identifies as a Jazz Critic descendent of Sonny Rollins, in Tyler Perry’s new film, The Uppity Cunt?”

Dad says, “You don’t like black people.”

I say, “Dad, how many black girls have you banged named Porsha? That’s what I thought. But good luck trying to gay shame me into resuming my lushy ways over drinking tea like Bruce Lee again pops. And even if I was 30 years gay, you got 3 grandchildren out of it pops, so you came out on top. And that’s how the tea leaves crumble.”

The vax lessens the symptoms, didn’t you hear?

Forget fatigue, you’ll storm the Capital Building like the Running Man after DeSantis wins in a patriot made landslide, no amount of election fraud can conceal.

No more headaches, just a mild irritation of the ears like the Muslim Call to Prayer on a busted loudspeaker in Astoria, Queens.

First an itchy esophagus, now you’ll be deep throating Lexington Steele replicas without it feeling like your tonsils just got punctured to pieces in the process.

Fever finished. Just measured smug superiority flowing forward.

Shortness of breath ends. Now, you’ll last longer than Jared Kushner in the sack with Ivanka despite her talking boring dirty to him in Mandarin on his birthday again.

Coughing comes to a screeching halt. Now, you’ll suck down medicinal strength dispensary weed out of a metal bat made in Wuhan and you’ll be flying high again.

Muscle aches become orgasmic mush on pure E from 1995.

Naps become siestas with Penelope Cruz falling asleep on your crotch to put her motor mouth lisp to sleep in the process.

Diarrhea is replaced by out of this world, beyond substantial dumps like you just inhaled an entire protein pea farm in one sitting.

Difficulty breathing ends although if Pearl Necklace Harris becomes President all bets are off. Calling that bitch erratic, is an insult to stable schizophrenics holding down government jobs in Quebec.

Congestion gone. Who cares if your media worshiping whores are still full of shit from head to toe already?

Michael Kornbluth

Alexa,Why Is

Alexa, why is Jordan Peterson considered an authority on personality when he doesn’t have one? Alexa says, “Jordan Peterson is considered an excellent speaker because of his encyclopedic knowledge of mythology and literature.”

I reply, “So I should buy into the myth that Jordan Peterson is a personable speaker for referencing other’s people’s ideas without referencing their best quotes on Good Reads first?”

Look, I read his 12 Rules To Life and liked it plenty. But I’m not going out of my to praise the speaking prowess of a man who goes out of his way to show what an objective thinker he is, by calling Hitler the anthesis of a fake news genius on the Joe Rogan show, and not just a fast talking Kraut hyped on Crystal Meth who teamed up with the Muslim Brotherhood in Palestine to exploit the Jews are the root of evil motif for al it was worth, because they’re only white collar profession allowed post World 1, involved the charging of interest, which is outlawed by the Koran, conveniently enough, Google it. Personally, I would’ve been screwed either way back then, because I had to Google how many zeros are in a trillion after my daughter asked me once. Later she says, “Daddy, are you financially illiterate? Is this why you call yourself a degenerate Jew because you have to count with your fingers for simple arithmetic?

Michael Kornbluth

Michael Kornbluth