Always Kosher

I think it was Socrates or Plato who said, “Happiness is fleeting pleasure.” Fleeting, disappearing pleasure for me is my kids losing interest in hang out time with daddy. This explains why my youngest son Chosen Curls Was Bound To Woo was busy at work drawing pictures of us hanging out together once I started bonding with his big sister over her new favorite show, Never Have I Ever, been a bigger fan of Johny Mac, he’s the narrator than I am now. Fleeting pleasure for Do It All Dad over here, host of the Do It All Dad Year Podcast, recently renamed Pause Daddy Podcast, funny fast stories, for you and me, is me losing interest in earning respectful impressiveness from my 3 adoring Koshertarian Comedian friends.



Now the kids are in a Delaware for the next 3 weeks while I do everything in my power to stop a decade long streak of co-dependent bitchy dependence on my wife and parents since my Stay At Home Comedian Dad journey began. Sure, I got to write some cool host intros for a couple of music video countdown specials that aired on Vh1 and VH1 Classic. Only to make my producer a Bruce Springsteen mix while doing my best to assure him soon after, “This doesn’t mean, I have a crush on you, Boss.”

Jokes aside, I rely on the kindness of others to feed my family, those others being my parents and wife. By feed, I mean those with the means to finance grocery shopping for my 3 Koshertarian comedian friends, that being my 3-fuss free, endlessly glowing, holy light time shining children.

They say man can’t eat live on bread alone. Well Daddy can’t eat the shit sandwich of shame for failing to earn bread for his family of 5 for the past 5 years without wanting the chance to rectify.

But applying for jobs doesn’t guarantee job interviews. Nor do job interviews result in immediate job offers soon after. Despite the Marketing Director at the Chef’s Warehouse nodding with respectful impressment after you referenced your 41 thousand page views on your WordPress blog. Marketing Director adds, “I saw that on your Writer Got Game Resume.” And I’m thinking, “At least, somebody is fucking reading it.”

But how do you cope with your mother resenting you making a yummy pesto mozzarella sandwich on bomb sesame loaf on her dime during her visit back east? How do you black out your mother-in-law calling you “pathetic”? How do you cope with a nurse wife who feels taken advantage of because you’ve been choking her too hard financially?

You become committed to becoming the best Koshertarian worshiping Comedian, who’s ever lived. Granted, Jerry Lewis, ate crab’s benedict, Woody Allen should’ve stuck to just eating Tuna Tartare at Elaine’s. And who gives a shit about what David Steinberg eats or what Paul Reiser orders at Nate and Al’s besides, “How was Hollywood ever mad crazy into you ever, So-So Special Sandwich number 5000?” Fine, Paul Reiser was mildly amusing in Bevery Hills Cop, but Gilbert Gottfrid funny he wasn’t. On the set of Beverly Hills Cop Gilbert Gottfrid says, “Paul, what’s the difference between The Long Island Lolita Amy Fisher and your comedy career? They both blow. Is Helen Hunt cute enough to be reformed Jewish? I can’t tell. If Helen Hunt is as good as it gets, I’m Lenny Bruce’s tailor in comedy heaven. Lenny says, “Easy with the needle Gilbert. You’re shakier than Eugene after cumming to the sound of his cousin’s shitting out Kreplach. And based on Albert Brook’s ballooning girth and highly developed sense of dark humor resulting from his father dying form a heart attack after killing at a roast of Lucile Ball prior, I don’t see the west coast Woody rocking the Koshertarian diet any more than a MAGA hat prop on the set of Curb Your Enthusiasm for episode 7, “Seinfeld Auctions A Porsche For Charity, Hope Half the Proceeds Went To Larry’s Kids.”

Again, how do you cope with being dependent on your wife’s sweat labor on her feet at the NICU while she checks for vital signs on blue faced newborns? When all you do is check for retweets? You shoot for perfect laugh lines on your Do It All Year Blog to recycle on your last and greatest comedy album, Watching Hacks Cry.

“I don’t like Snoop Dog claiming he culturally appropriated Ric Flair, so freely, during his 30 for 30, titled, “You’re A Boy and I’m Not.” Iceberg Slim was Pimp Of The Year for 6 years in a row at least and we got Ric Flair, 16-time World Champion. Don’t get your pigments twisted Dog. If you want to beat the man, don’t get bent over by Suge Knight in the can. No offense Snoop, but you don’t hear Ric Flair yelling, “Dog Fighting, woooh! That’s a MAGA country thing. Don’t be culturally appropriating our shit.” Watching Hacks Cry, Challah, Thank you very much.”

You cope with being a dependent by perfecting perfection in the kitchen with your heavily workshopped pesto ribbon pasta with Kosher air fried chicken thighs and sliced cherry tomatoes on top. And you grow closer to God and your 3 Koshertarian Comedian loving kids through the more “Yummy Dances”, you make. “What the hell is a Yummy Dance?”, my father says. Stop acting like your anything more than sheltered bum, my father adds in my mind. Glad you asked. Yummy Dances are standing ovations, curtain calls and victory laps in your dishes honor all combined into one as your 3 biggest fans in the universe run around the living room through the kitchen yelling, “Best Daddy ever.” That’s a Yummy Dance. It puts you in touch with the divine because God gives kids to only the lonely and this funny man giant is lonely no more. Watching Hacks Cry, Challah. Thank you very much.

Yummy Dances are why holiness rocks. Yummy Dances get you addicted to achieving such holy powered highs. But how do you cope with your son wanting to meet your old friends when they can’t be bothered to comment via text or state emotive love online about your 123 comedy records posted on LinkedIn to shake up the corporate controlled thought in the straight world? The same so-called friends of yesteryear who left for you dead. You decide to befriend Sean Lennon by sharing your book Controlling My Kids With Comedy, A Love Story or nudge him to check out your comedy record Laugh Yanker Love on SoundCloud, where you showcase some A plus stay at home dad material in his honor. “This is John Lennon 2 days into being a Stay At Home Dad. Choke on a fucking cucumber scone Paul. Even Primal Scream Therapy has its limitations mate. But Kate Spade wins the award for writing the most passive aggressive suicide note for her only daughter to read ever. Note reads, “It’s not your fault, Dad will explain.” Dad explains, “Explain what, how I was the one who was impossible to live with? What a bag of shit Kate. The other day my son says, “I prefer vaginas with no hair. I’ve seen mamas before. I add, “Big boobs compliment better.” Soon after, Sean Lennon is financing my recording sessions at Electric Lady Studio’s to release my box set of comedy records before I’m famous that will be 124 in total, titled Totality Of Me or Watching Hacks Cry. Holiness kills hackery, Challah. Thank you very much.

But isn’t holiness being a monk? It’s my year without beer and I’m almost 5 months in. So go woke yourself. Holiness kills hackery, Challah. Thank you very much. Isn’t holiness perfecting perfection? If God represents otherness holiness and the children from Isarael and Forrest Hills Queens are molded in his likeness, then shouldn’t I want to dress up my son like nature boy Ric Flair for Halloween because he already whips out his schmekel spot whenever he likes while I yell in catchphrase bliss, “Not Kosher Baby.” Holiness killing hackery, Challah. Thank you very much.

Mind of a yummy dance works like this. Your goal is similar to getting laughs at the local farm to pick up some fresh eggs, whenever another MILF hits on your youngest son, Chosen Curls Was Bound To Woo again, “Your son has such nice hair. When you get older, you’ll have 3 girlfriends to juggle.” And I’ll say, “If James Woods had this kid’s face, your estimates wouldn’t be so conservative.” Laughter fills the air. Daddy kills again. So, the goal of a yummy dance similar to scoring another laugh is simple, Respectful Impressiveness, that’s your reward for not making any bread off your creatively jacked dome, relentlessly innovative might and shishy bitch dad leanings just yet. I know this is my 2nd time using the expression respectful impressiveness, but only Shakespeare can invent words like “thoughtless”? While Dice coins expressions such as I’ve got a friend, one of these “Trans-Testicles.” Personally, I’m against Drag Queen reading hour because fluorescent library lights aren’t flattering on anybody, especially on a poor man’s Marilyn Manson impersonator, no offense. One time my daughter asks, “Daddy was Shakespeare Trans because he dressed like girls in all his plays.” I say, “I don’t know if Shakespeare was Trans. But I think Kevin Spacey is gay about lunging at Othello in tights.” I sampled that joke on the character Billy from Six Feet Under at the local Target in Mount Kisco. The joke got a big laugh from Billy. He even slapped my outstretched hand that I placed there to receive a high five of approval in return. That’s a Yummy Dance. That’s holiness killing hackery. Watching hacks cry, Challah. Thank you very much.

Holiness killing hackery is best whenever I receive some help from my Koshertarian Comedian loving friends. I use my 1st born, Matilda Singing Rose Kornbluth, AKA, Effortless Magic, AKA, 10 Homer Daily as my creative sounding board for all of my comedy record titles if her 2 younger brothers Art Show USA and Hardcore Hunga Rocks aren’t in the room with her 1st. Matilda says, “I like Year Of Dragon Lungs a bit better than Half Heeb Crazy. Sloppy Second Stories is a good title for your debut collection of flash fiction short stories, but I still love the original title, Waste of Height, Really Short Stories the best.” Art Show USA enters the room and interjects,” Am I going to design your record cover for Greatest One, Daddy? But all your records are great, so isn’t Greatest One, a tad one note redundant for your tastes?” Youngest son, Hardcore Hunga Rocks points an imaginary remote control in my direction and says, “Pause Daddy. I write the jokes for your comedy records, got it, Moron Son.” Daughter adds, “You should do that Greta Thunberg bit on Greatest One daddy where the dad freaks out on “burry brow”, your words not mine, for keeping his twin daughters up with eco-anxiety despite popping melatonin gummies like Nerds at 10 o’clock on school night. Because a doorman can’t keep a typhoon out of their townhouse duplex on the Upper West Side.”

But how do you cope with your kid outgrowing their broken-down rusty bikes on a hot August day while taking them out for a spin? Knowing you can’t afford to replace those bikes anytime soon because you’re so broke, your Hebrew name is under judicial review. You include them in the making magic time in the kitchen by sticking your son on pistachio de-shelling detail before making their farewell pesto bow tie pasta supreme before leaving for Delaware, which was a bust last time, because you decided to get funky fresh and add excessively bitter sages leaves to the basil, pistachio nut mix which was bad idea like Hunter making a crack cocaine in his bungalow at the Chateau Marmont because it forced him to give up blow for blow painting, which is a bigger cock tease than a lap dance with a no touch policy on Kid Rock’s yacht, called Harpooning The Most. You cope with being a dependent dad by savoring the sheer joy in all 3 of your children inhale what’s being hailed as your “best batch yet daddy.” While your youngest one comments in ultra-focused manner, “Too yummy for yummy dance”, before resuming his role as Belushi 2.0 in Koshertarian House. Holiness killing hackery, Challah. Thank you very much.

But how do you cope with having to dip into your daughter’s Tooth Fairy droppings, that she haphazardly left on the kitchen table before camp that your parents paid for again? So, you could pay for your kid’s slushies at 7/11 without having charge more fun time on the credit card before mommy gets paid again when your cellphone is due to get deactivated the day your family leaves for Delaware? You throw the Rodney Dangerfield No Respect CD on in the car your parents lease to use when they visit only to hear your eldest son says, “Daddy, your comedy records are way better than this.” Daughter adds, “Yeah, Daddy, Rodney just sounds boring depressing here. And his 1st joke was about being on the Tonight Show prior, so Rodney shouldn’t be so unenthralling from the start.” Respectful Impressment lives, Challah. Thank you very much. I add, “Jimmy Fallon’s writers hate him now. Because when Jimmy Fallon tried to rub Trump’s hair off, a real-life skinhead never emerged. But if I’m still not scared of Trump. Then, I’ll never be into my mother as much as Seth Meyer’s. Then again, I’m the sloppy second son for a reason. If Jimmy Kimmel cares so much about the environment, then why is he so wasteful by only using Smart Water for some post show bong hits because his gal pal Jennifer Aniston hooks him up in bulk? At the same time Smart Water adds bounce to your step. All of a sudden, you feel like Jennifer Anniston on the rebound. Our state of the union is like Colbert’s handle on funny these days, shaky. It’s too bad Bill O Reilly is no longer important enough to impersonate. At least, O’Reilly gave Colbert gravitas before Comedy Central executives resigned Trever Noah for the foreseeable future. Hey Trever Noah, Conan Obrien wants his good luck maroon hoodie back from the Harvard Lampoon.” Holiness killing hackery, Challah. Thank you very much.

On the other hand, you might be thinking, “Shouldn’t you only focus on getting a decent paying job in Corporate America? Sure, but like Frank Zappa said, “Magic is what happens between the notes”, and nobody is stopping me from creating more magic time on my time between new job interviews on the horizon come rain or shine. Sinatra lives, Challah, thank you very much.



Well, more yummy dances and random hugs from my son behind can buy me some more holy time to shine.



When your son takes a bit out of your Koshertarian Wings with a homemade barbeque sauce that’s made with a pomegranate glaze and states with divine powered authority, “Always Kosher Daddy.” Holy time shines.

Getting fired up to please your favorite people in the universe is when holy time shines.

A man can’t live on bread alone, but he can by on laughs and yummy dances in between with a little help from his Koshertarian friends.

So, stop thinking children don’t appreciate extra effort.

Stop thinking aiming to please your children through cooking is antiquated fun.

Stop thinking your kids are a less worthy audience to impress.

Stop thinking that doing things for love alone don’t matter.

Stop thinking your life is fantastic without your kids adoring you in it.

Stop thinking kids are an impediment to middle aged fun.

Stop thinking kids don’t sense half-ass love from a mile away.

Stop thinking technology has zapped your kid’s ability to emote in your honor.

Stop thinking you can’t inspire your children to follow your lead, “Always Kosher Daddy.”

Holy shine time is holy bonding time.

And that’s as good as it gets.

Holy Shine Time shines on.

Watching Hacks Cry.

Lennon lives, Challah.

Thank you very much.



Michael Kornbluth

















Fuck Lisa Simpson

Why doesn’t Global Warming concern me Lisa Simpson? Because Al Gore’s speaking career has cooled considerably. Plus, last winter, was colder than Harvey Weinstein’s casting couch at The Four Seasons.

Imagine Trumpy Poo debating Lisa Simpson on the huge benefits of fracking. Trumpy Poo says, “Fracking reduces our Co2 emissions Lisa. Ivanka has brains and a smoking hot bod, but you’ll be lucky if Millhouse converts to Buddhism for you, Thelonious Monk. Or do identify more with being the bleached version of Cornell West Spike Top? Stop being so fearful about fracking Lisa. Mass consumption of Mountain Dew in Springfield alone, will make up for the low birth rates in no time. Lisa Simpson says with flabbergasted disgust, “Does fracking really reduce our Carbon emissions? So even Neil Young is full of shit now? Trumpy Poo replies, “Neil Young doesn’t take showers to reduce his carbon footprint, since he dumped his wife for Daryl Hannah because he’s going through a post midlife never banged a Mermaid crisis. So, that much you share in common babe.” Lisa barely musters an audible, “But Bernie.” Trumpy Poo goes in for the final kill shot and says, “Blow your Bernie wind farm talk out of your ass Lisa. When Bernie Sanders was hot, he couldn’t even get recreational weed legalized in Vermont. At this point, Vermont should change their state motto from The Green State to CBD Oil Only. Bernie Sanders couldn’t even make Vermont great for potheads on vacation. And the only waters rising in Martha’s Vinyard are from Obama’s bong water, for some much-needed chill out time after his daughter Malia freaks out at the dinner table over Thanksgiving and says, “Dad, why did you let me intern for Miramax again? “Obama says, “Because back then, it looked good on you resume. Plus, Michelle was your chaperone there on the set of Girls on HBO. And that fat Jew couldn’t pin down Michelle if he tried.”

Michael Kornbluth

Too Funny To Fail

I don’t like Kyle Rittenhouse anymore. Now, he’s down with Thug Lives Matters Most? Defending Dad’s store from getting looted and burned to the ground with an AR-15 in hand shoots that fake news placation to smithereens. Does he support resisting arrest? Does he support 2 billion worth of property damage during the past summer of love? Does he support Cops letting ANTIFA and BLM led riot mobs wreck any facade left behind cops existing to protect and serve anything but their precious pensions anymore? Does Kyle support the good cops who contributed to his bail fund? Who can’t find work unless they service truck drivers cruising down to Florida, with the hope of scoring a security guard job at Costco during the peak holiday season? Kyle Rittenhouse doesn’t like to be associated with lawyer Lin Wood, so he’ll receive less hate speech spewing’s about him on the View? Lin Wood only scored Nick Sandman a huge defamation lawsuit payday from CNN for trying to paint him as the second coming of Dances with David Duke. I don’t think Kyle Rittenhouse should’ve been on trial for acting in self-defense. Still, I wouldn’t exude a smug smile because Matt Gaetz offered you an internship on Captial Hill since the day Democracy died without a whimper from the Republican righting side.

I wish Adam Sandler was more divisive. His Hanukkah song needs to be updated to make it less of a safe space for gentiles. The Golden Jew needs to downplay his cozy relationship with Obama running Netflix and replace the verse, “OJ, definitely not a Jew, with Linda Sarsour, definitely not a fan. And if that funny man assertion makes me alt-right, then I’m alright with it.”

If Adam Sandler went after Obama’s basketball game alone on his next Netflix song and joke special, I’d get my wife pregnant by accident again and name the kid Adam Sandler Kornbluth instead of Zevon Zappa Kornbluth. All Sandler has to say in a made-up conversation with Chris Rock on stage is, “Hey Chris, if Obama is such a baller, then why did he ride the bench at an all-Asian private school in Hawaii? And if Obama isn’t a radical jihadist enabler of the most despicable order, then why did he nuke gift Iran 1.5 billion dollars in the still of the night in unmarked bills as he slithered out the White House door on to George Clooney’s Banana Boat Team in St. Barts, only feel to like second Banana after Jay Z arrived? That’s right, Obama Be Good, gave all that untraceable terror money to create overseas manufacturing jobs for Build a Bear, to make the Iranian economy less reliant on the sale of hair removal cream for the Kardashians.”

Bruce Jenner wasn’t asexual when he was married to Kris Jenner. Although, I’m positive Bruce stayed harder longer after he pushed Kris to cut her short, to look more like a dolled-up Ralph Macchio.

History of loser lamentation. Alien spawned, Christan baby cannibal loving Jews, stabbed Weimar Republic loyalists in the back with their diamond encrusted pitchforks by using Uri Geller forms of fork bending mind control on the newly in charge democratic government to sign a peace treaty against their best interests despite losers in war having no fucking leverage to dictate more favorable terms otherwise, Kraut breaths. In the end, Germany lost some farmland that a location scout for Inglorious Bastards couldn’t even find using Waze anyway. 2 million Germans die after they decide to team up with Austria and Belgium against the big 3 England, Russia and Italy yet they expected to be a fair match against mafia bred Italian muscle, descendants of Drago and Brits who had nothing to lose in war except waking up to the dreaded prospect of cursing their wench wives for birthing such pasty, mole maligned kids after the United States of America came to the rescue as the ultimate Road Warrior tag team from the more hardcore southern WCW circuit to apply the final power slam on fake news assertions behind a superior superpower worth envying of any kind. But the Germans are proud people. The Germans are moronic people after they exterminated all the smarter Jews. What has Germany contributed the world since World War 2? Besides, 5-week rave paid maternity leave? But banking is a religion in Germany? Banking is a religion in Switzerland to. That doesn’t make the national embrace of gold tooth hording Gnomes for all their worth any less deflective creepy. Gnomes look like Santa’s dumpy, druggy trust fund babies who managed to survive after they eventually got cut off because they’re old enough now to collect Social Security. Hitler got his panties in a bunch because Germany had to pay war reparations which were beyond payable. And they call the chosen people monopolistic, greedy loot sack hoarder whores. Also, when you perpetuate a war resulting in 10 million lives lost that you ultimately lost, don’t expect free Starbucks gift cards for life. But the Germans are prideful people. Why? Any kid from El Salvador can shine my Ecco shoes with far greater polished precision. Plus, aren’t all German men uncircumcised? What’s respectable about an ant eater schlong? I don’t care how big your petrified pig in a blanket is. Last, none of World War 1 was fought on German land. So, the least mother Germany could do was pay some dead dad littering fines in Italy who gave the world opera, Leonardo Da Vinci and Sophia Loren’s luscious lobes of perfection, which I’ll take over the nerve pinching edgy film score to Run Lola Run any day of the week. Losers walk with a hunch of shame for a reason you bratwurst bitches. 400 thousand Americans died during World War 2 by the way. So, when you willingly watch the NFL today, understand you’re supporting players who take the knee who are cool with kicking Nazi destroyers in the nuts, again and again.

Succession on HBO jumped the shark after Murdoch’s daughter used the expression burning Koran’s. Like any sane person would burn the Pedophile Guide for Dummies since cartoons of Muhammad were deemed permanent no go-zones since French cartoonist Charlie Hebdo got canceled from breathing prematurely.

Wikipedia is so Fascist favoring. Root cause for the Spanish Inquisition, stupid stubborn Jews. Cause of the Holocaust, pinko, leftist Jews who dared to charge Germany interest 10 million lives lost later because they failed to prove why Aryan’s are superior organizer planners of risky world war. French Revolution, overblown reaction to high taxes and the inflated cost of cheese since the horn dog King starting hogging up all the Brie for in Northeast France for lube in marathon long gang bang sessions in Versailles because Nostradamus predicted the rise of sodomy in powdered wigs during France’s post Trans topping period. Nostradamus predicted that one day Versailles would become the perfect romantic getaway from the plague and anal stimulation starvation.

You know you’re not 100 percent gay when you get increasingly aroused from a teenage girl double fist a gentle caressed veggie burrito into her mouth without chomping down on it with fangy fearsomeness in the process. Plus, you’re not feeling 100 percent gay, when the girl at the Kosher butcher greets you with your full name after you gave her your business card prior, only to pronounce at the Kosher Buther in front of her, loud and proud, “I love how I’m up in your cranium already.” Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth



Greatest Artist Son Ever

In honor of Veterans Day, I’ll school my kids today on why Generation Z sucks compared to Nazi killers and the likes of Jesse Owens, who ran Hitler’s master race theory into the ground without breaking a sweat over their triggered feelings of inferiority in the process, despite those ultra-efficient, Type A Aryan’s running like cranked up speed demons as if their state supplied crystal meth for Octoberfest was riding on it. 

Happy Veterans Day to all our vets who’ve been to hell and back, who all proclaimed in their hearts during the thick of the fight, we’d all go down together. That song makes me tear up every time, but not as much as sharing this pic with my mother from my beautiful artist son, who makes Old Glory tingle with American made love from sea to shining sea again, USA, USA, USA!

Disney Bought Fox Because

The Corona China Virus has cost Walt Disney 1.4 billion. But they bought Fox so they’d be discouraged to do hard hitting investigative pieces on Jefferey Epstein’s ties to Rape Wood and his underage sex slaves giving pedicures to Matt Groening’s gnarly looking toenails on Lolita Express, without a face mask on, to ensure his sex slave manicurists would be forced to look extra animated about it.

Michael Kornbluth