Antioxidant Kids

COVID is like HPV.

Everyone got it.

Except COVID doesn’t give you cancer.

When I was 46, I plucked my 1st grey pube.

I want to tape it to my 1st dollar bill spent on Life Insurance.

Antioxidant foods fight off premature aging my balls.

Like Bob Marley’s satchel of pumpkin seeds made him skip skin cancer on the last leg of his Babylon by Bus Tour.

Positive vibrations have surfacy impact on encroaching cancer man.

But don’t ditch Farro from your diet.

It’s an ancient grain man.

But how could ancient Mayans get a fair gauge on increased life expectancy when the most common cause of death was human sacrifice?

Don’t knock antioxidant foods kids.

They fight off Parkinson’s.

Like Michael J. Fox didn’t enjoy his fair share of Avocado toasties on the set of Family Ties.

They fight off Dementia.

Like Groping Biden wasn’t strong armed into drinking Kale smoothies by What’s Talent Got To Do With It, after she threatened to break her arm up Obama’s ass if he ever dared to offer Beyonce another glass of Paul Newman’s Lemonade over her homemade Kombucha.

Like Bill Hicks would’ve staved off stomach cancer if he asked the Waffle waitress if his burger came with sweet potato fries in 1985.

And let’s not act as if almond smoothies resolved Obama’s heart failure issues after ISIS raped and pillaged through the Middle East before he rebranded them ISIL, so they’d sound more startup friendly in the NY Times.

I’m getting my kids into antioxidant foods like Cauliflower Wings, so they can develop an immunity to bullying.

“Your daddy made Cauliflower Wings for the Super Bowl, that’s so gay.”

Son says, “Your dad plays fantasy football. That’s gayer than counting the black to grey ratio on Brett Favre’s ball sack.”

But it’s hard to sell your kids on becoming antioxidant kids without turning them into a bunch of mini-Albert Brooks in the making.

“So, my one pumpkin seed allotment for dessert gives me a good shot at beating Cancer Dad?”

“Doesn’t cancer always win like Iron Mike before he got arrested for fake news rape?”

“So sweet potato fries over regular ones fried in peanut oil like in Rehoboth Beach that Baba refused to share gives us a punchers chance of beating cancer like when Rocky stopped fighting southpaw against Apollo?”

“Come to think it, why don’t we take a vacation to Burger King kids. At least there, we can order an Impossible Burger with Onion Rings on the side while feeling high school poor again.”

Antioxidant kids live, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth