Do It All Dad Does Cherry Picking

INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON

Do It All Dad

I’m in London because my wife got tickets to see Bjork for her birthday. I wanted to see the Shrieking Seals personally.

You want to make a guy limp? Reference, “your husband”, and admit to only watching the Super Bowl for the commercials.

Bill and Hillary got booed at a Billy Joel show at MSG. Because Bill Joel’s greatest hits are prized as lullaby music for eighties Republicans.

The birthrate for NY is at an all time low. Lena’s Dunham’s encouraged frumpy look on Instagram isn’t helping. Overweight hipsters are also pulling out prematurely from excessive meat sweats.

How has my life changed since I became a Dad? Drinking alone is no longer an issue.

How has my life changed since I’ve become a dad? I don’t have panic attacks anymore. Now I’m a bigger believer in God knowing God didn’t give me 3 unplanned kids to have a panic attack over it. God didn’t have the same confidence in you obviously.

How has my life changed since I became a Dad? I’m no longer friends with my Dad on Facebook because since retiring to Scottsdale, Arizona, 3 grandchildren later, he doesn’t do the cold anymore. Now he just beats it to the Weather Channel. My dad’s tennis instructor in Arizona, claims, my dad’s forehand has never been stronger.

Who vapes in their thirties? My douche bag brother-in-law who took 7 years to never graduate college does. My brother in law is like Van Wilder minus the degree and rich Dad.

When the Lakers lose to the Clippers in the playoffs this year, Obama will be crushed. Consoling himself with a bunch of Almond Joys in his man cave in Martha’s Vineyard, hid behind the box of duct tape from Costco. Joan lives

Hillary wants to retire Trump. Wasn’t Hillary the out of touch, older than dirt windbag, who couldn’t even make it to Wisconsin to campaign for the founders of the Onion to push the fake news Russian collusion story on her behalf , also?

Hasbro, who also owns Barbie after buying Mattel just bought Death Row Records. That’s a smart PR move, knowing Snoop Dog’s brain hovers a notch below porn hood hell. Is Old E now, Ken’s ho sprayer of choice?

Hasbro just bought Death Row Records after merging with Mattel. The new CEO of Hasbro is a Trump follower on Twitter. The new mission statement for the company is F the PC Police. He offered Kayne West the job of Creative Play Officer.

Jumping the shark would be Hasbro renaming Lincoln Logs, over cries of racism. The CEO of Hasbro proposes renaming them Obama Logs. A Trump supporter executive interjects, “But in his youth, Obama studied the Koran under a tent in Kenya.”

20 minutes later, the bartender still hasn’t asked for my drink order. The sexy black sisters I was flirting with at the bar ask me, “What took so long?” I say, ” I’m white privilege incarnate. It’s the price I must pay for being 1st in line for everything.”

I think it’s great you’re still doing comedy at your age is a backhanded compliment. In other words, “It takes courage to pretend you’re funny enough to make it as a comedian, 2 decades after you wrote your 1st Friends spec script.”

If love is all you need Sir Paul, then why do I shove off my beautiful, fuss free son as a whole, whenever he crowds me too much on the couch again? I shouldn’t love old school Arliss episodes on HBO Go this much.

Michael Kornbluth

The Joke Machine Gunner

I love my new Trump voiced GPS system. Turn left for Mohegan Sun, Elizabeth Warren’s home away from home.

If Ronan Farrow is Frank Sinatra’s son, then why hasn’t he hired a hit man to knock Woody Allen on his ass yet?

Why am I gay about my abnormality? Because it’s fun to freak out grown men at Pizzeria’s in NY. Pizza guy says to my son, “Got ants in your pants?” I say, “How do you know my son isn’t a second guessing gerbalist?”

I hate the boy name Hudson. It sounds more hipster hued pretentious than Brooklyn Salted Chocolate. At 5, Hudson tells his dad, “Can I change my name to Andy Cohen? Because I identify with yenta breaths on the Upper East Side.”

Talking to my new cat like a booty call. Stop scratching. I don’t have to let you sleep here. Also, are you really in a rush to scurry away from so much scrumptiousness? If you’re Fergie, scratch away, but you’re not puss.

Mark Zuckerberg, declaring war against Warren. Facebook is too big? Cry me a river Warren. You think Twitter is going to swing votes in your favor? Trump pays the highest per click rate for Indian casinos to appear every time somebody googles Warren.

Stop calling nationalist a loaded word. The N bomb is a loaded word. ANTIFA lives matter, is an oxymoron.

An actor in the new Star Wars says, “Limited job offers for Muslim actors increases the odds in them becoming terrorists.” But you’re in SAG. Can’t you still make a living doing well paid extra work for Obama produced social justice docs on Netflix?

4.5 IPA’s make me feel more indecisive than Jared Kushner at the Sizzler salad bar. Even worse, a 4.5 IPA tastes like circumcised happiness because I’m shortchanging my desire for a mouthful of boozy hops.

Trump is obsessed with Hillary because he’s an illegitimate president? I thought Hillary lost because she’s an unhuggable cunt.

Hunter Biden being interviewed by ABC. Where have you been Hunter? Doing more bumps? Only hearing last call from the bathroom stall?

Pitchfork named Alright by Kendrick Lamar, song of the decade because Obama got the Nobel for relegating ISIS to ISIL. So they’d sound more start up friendly in Wired magazine.

Moms should remember to put money under the pillow for the Tooth Fairy right? Daughter says, “Daddy, the Tooth Fairy didn’t put money under my pillow? What can I say to appease her? The Rock slept in for a change. Mama’s parenting skills are overrated.

These days Robert Dinero looks like Betsy Ross, falling apart at the seams.

Georgetown apologized for slavery. Apologize for not forcing AI to retake Mo Money Management 101, from Do Rags To Riches.

My 2 year old son, Chosen Curls was bound to woo. A Grandma stops him at Target, proclaiming, “You’re going to have 3 girlfriends to juggle when you get older. I reply, “If James Woods had this face, your estimates wouldn’t be so conservative.”

Why isn’t Terry Bradshaw not even in the conversation about best quarterbacks ever? Bradshaw never lost a Super Bowl like Montana. 2nd, Bradshaw won by airing it out. Fine, that much he shares in common with Brady. I’ll give you that much.

In the Netflix suicide doc, 13 Reasons Why, do rebel space ship crashes into Imperial Star Destroyers even get honorable mention?

If Hillary Hammer Time Cankles runs for President again, what would her campaign slogan be?

I Eat Fake News Indians for Breakfast

Chelsea Isn’t Ugly Anymore

Deplorable Boomer Mom Knows Best

Resistor parents don’t care about the rule of law. All they care about is getting Trump out of office, so they can return to their smug secure, superior selves because baby boomer arrogance never dies.

It’s an empowered feeling to get blocked my Rosanne on Twitter knowing she got mad with jealousy at my superior jokes about Valerie Jarrett, Obama’s Arabian horse whisperer. Because it sucks for Rosanne knowing she’s got the coffee plantation in Hawaii, not me.

What’s the best way to show gratitude after your mother in law gets you Champion black socks again from the bargain bin for Christmas? Tell her, “Great, now I can postpone laundry for another week.”

Who told Samuel L Jackson it was cool to dress like Spike Lee’s grandmother? Who identifies as a jazz critic descendant of Sonny Rollins in Tyler Perry’s new film, The Uppity Cunt.

Perfect Wedding Anniversary message in this age of Trump Bad, Me Good. We both agree, you’re amazing and that’s the most important thing that matters.

Michael Kornbluth

Gonna Be A Podcast Hero

Situation: Mom responds via a text to a video showing our new adopted cat scurry behind our couch in her new home. I’m so happy for Matilda and your family. Translation, my 1st born identifies with sexless, isolated cat ladies on the Upper West Side.

Facebook has made Baby Boomers the laziest grandparent generation of all time. Lifting a finger is liking a new baby pic on Facebook. Getting dressed up for a Skype call is a horror show. Mom’s coffee breath fogs up the computer screen as we speak.

After my 3 kid was born, my younger brother replaces his Facebook profile photo with a picture of him holding my newborn bundle of joy. I confront him later on the phone. You can’t steal my weed, Adderral and my life.

France is on high alert for revenge attacks because the US took out the leader of ISIS? Oh yeah I forgot, travel bans are racist and America gave Trump a shot at ensuring we don’t become France, my bad.

The new face of ISIS has been appointed. Can’t say I’m shocked knowing the war against terrorism is never ending as long as Jihadists don’t become abstinent, because conserving their energy for 1000 virgins in Allah’s paradise becomes a thing.

New face of ISIS is appointed. What were his qualifications? Did he ace Beheading 101? Did ISIS tout his perfect attendance record, claiming he never cut class to rape Christian villagers in Syria because Obama identifies as a fake news Christian.

How did Trump’s decision to withdraw our troops from Syria jeopardize our ability to take out the head of ISIS? We only had 100 troops there. Plus, Obama isn’t around to gift wrap ISIS new Hum V escape pods for Kwanzaa.

Katie Hill blames the electronic assault from the right wing media leading to her resignation. I thought it was because she found a more desperate but-her-face to bury in her less than appetizing mountain of muff.

Chrissy Teigen’s face has two looks, constipated and super scrunchy. Either one is pimple butt ugly if you ask me. Plus, her cramped teeth, begging for Lucy Liu’s gleam isn’t doing her any favors. Last, her acting like a sloppy slut isn’t a stretch.

Russia doubts the attack on ISIS occurred Drudge Report? What gives you the idea Russia is down with ISIS life? Intent on allowing more suicide bombing attacks inside mother Russia? Does Putin look like the hunched, push over, Merkel type to you Panama Jack?

Michael Kornbluth

Finally, Our Military Is Winning Again

Biden claiming he didn’t ask Obama to endorse him for President on 60 minutes while distinguishing himself from his ex boss.

Obama’s daughter Malia, has only been caught smoking weed and passing out at Lollapalooza. At the same time Hunter has a 2 decade headstart.

I romanticize commuting from Delaware to our nation’s capital on Amtrak. Obama tags along with George Clooney on his speedboat along Lake Como as 2nd banana.

Obama’s Attorney General Susan Rice should’ve gotten an Oscar for selling Benghazi as a result of an anti-Islam video. But just like Obama getting the Pulitzer Peace Prize for nuke gifting Iran and reducing ISIS to ISIL so they’d sound more startup friendly in the NY Times. What difference does it make?

Look, I didn’t ask Obama to endorse me for President because frankly, he’s jealous at how much hotter my wife is than Michael, I mean Michelle. Come on, you wouldn’t want to inhale my wife from behind over Melania any day of the week. Melania can speak 5 different languages. Too bad, America knows less about what her larynx sounds like than Jared Kushner.

I don’t need Obama to endorse me for President of the United States. Was I the one caught sporting black face at Halloween parties in college, thinking, I’d come across more progressively clownish?

Obama can’t be bothered to endorse me for President. He’s too busy producing social justice docs for Netflix and getting Michelle to star in a remake of the Tina Turner film, What’s Talent Got To Do With It?

I don’t need Obama’s blessing to become the next President of the United States. I own wind farms in Texas, which gives me more eco friendly cred back home on the reservation than Warren can ever claim Jack.

Were you watching any of the past democratic debates? These days, Democrats running for President want less to do with Obama than a Wall to keep them out of power.

Why wasn’t Pelosi notified about the attack on a man who called a Caliphate against America? Because you can’t even trust her to keep her clown lips shut about a pantie raid at Al Franken’s house.

President Trump ordered the hit on leader of ISIS. He’s dead now yet Susan Rice claims our mission wasn’t accomplished. What’s mission accomplished Susan Rice? Obama’s shadow government walking scot free, you included?

Taking out the head of ISIS could galvanize ISIS? Deep State talking point, pez dispenser please. All ISIS does is recruit new friendless, suicide bombers on Facebook, who wish their phones blew up.

The death of Abu Bakr Al Baghadi could galvanize ISIS? Let’s not anger a bunch of rapists animal savages who respect imaginary red lines of morality less than Speilberg film retrospectives at the 92nd Street Y.

At least now Doug Stanhope can jump on the downplay bandwagon and proclaim in his next stand up comedy special. So we took out the head of ISIS. ISIS is still the CBA of terrorism, sorry.

Michael Kornbluth

Rants of a Hungry Heart

Best compliment I received today. Your rants are like candy.

Pence ripping the NBA. Lebron James isn’t a man of the people or God, commie controlled, fake news hate crime reporting, uneducated, resister Twitter twat Philistine is more like it. Does he bless his wine before giving it to his Hillary siding son?

Bette Midler praising the neighbor who attacked Rand Paul. You’re the wind beneath my gremlin wings, when ANTIFA isn’t rumbling against the Proud Boys in Manhattan, who go to jail because they look more like menacing Paul Bunyan types than vegan hoodies.

A Florida man was arrested after pulling a machete on woman who refused to date him. Now, that’s an MS 13 love doctor in the making.

A Florida man was arrested after pulling a machete on a woman who refused to date him. Were they embarking on a romantic stroll through the rain forest prior, like in Romancing the Stone? I don’t get it.

The headline Bob Weir shredded at 72, makes me want to throw more than stones. Good to know Weir has time to meditate, cross fit, and do 3 hour Dead & Company shows with John Mayer when I can’t even catch a Roy Cohen doc in the burbs without it selling out for the 5pm Saturday show.

Mayor Pete admitting to smoking pot. It helped loosen me up before I got inhaled by the Hoosier mascot on the back of a 98 Ford Explorer. Bob Seger thought his abs were hard as rocks.

63% of GOP voters think the party should be more like Trump and less like Mitt Romney’s fake news magical knickers.

INT. Home

Do It All Dad

You can’t call Daddy, a racist, deplorable Trump supporter when I get you a black fairy Barbie Matilda. Not that she needs any added high flying hopping ability.

Whoopie being triggered by plant based burgers on the View. I’m not telling Vegans to cut out eating pea protein because it makes them more hysterical than Ted Danson when we used to make love with the lights on, no amount of dark face could conceal.

Return of the Jedi is the best Star Wars. Luke learns about sucking face with his sister. Yoda and Darth die in it, which is like Apollo and Mick dying in the same movie. Yoda’s still busts Luke’s balls about never finishing his training. Jabba bites the dust.

Eminem being interviewed by the Secret Service. You don’t really think Melania would sleep with an albino wigger, past his prime, do you? Also, Trump lifted the ban on Jewish membership at Mar A Lago Slim on Facts Shady. What do Dre’s nutz taste like, Chronic dipped in Cognac?

A Florida man was accused of giving beer to an Alligator. He gave the Florida Gator a spare Coors Light that’s lightweight and easy to pound like any yentabreath from Long Island on Spring Break. They should make toothpaste taste like Coors Light, so I don’t taste anything afterwards.

Michael Kornbluth