Wife’s Birthday Party Gone South

Nationalist is a loaded word. The N bomb is a load word. ANTIFA lives matter is an oxymoron.

If I have to hear 1 more time. But the Israelis retaliate against the Palestinians with extreme force. What’s an acceptable response then? Poetry slams in a East Jerusalem coffee shop and dropping truth bombs about Hamas killing any shot of a 2 state solution instead?

You have Hypersexual Disorder. If a lower back massage leads to you ramming your pelvis into mama over the couch. I ask my daughter. You want to know how babies are made? Daughter says. Daddy, enough with “hump-backing” mama. Spare me the play, by play already.

 

My impersonation of Mike Birbiglia on Broadway
I felt so useless & sidelined after my wife gave birth to our daughter. So, I scribbled some jokes in my diary about how I get why Stallone left his wife in Over the Top. I’m feeling so vanilla vulnerable right now.

 

Michelle Obama says she stopped trying to smile at Trump’s Inauguration. Is like ANTIFA’s head of recruitment saying he stopped cashing checks from George Soros in his hidden Swiss bank account under Heidi Franz Krautpurgent.

Trump’s a white nationalist? But he moved our embassy to Jerusalem. So technically speaking, he’s a Hebrew Nationalist. Hebrew Hammer strikes his point home through his all mighty shtick again.

INT.  Home

Hub Guest

Louie CK is right. Most kids can be annoying assholes.

Stay At Home Comedian Dad

Mine are fuss free. But hipster husband talk of white nationalists turning America into an Aryan nation despite no Edward Norton, American History X knockoffs gracing the Oval Office feels like mainlining MDMA?

Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I enjoy mom’s friends over.
But do you know what I missed most yesterday kids?

Daughter
What daddy?
Dad
Focused attention away from you 3 kids. My greatest gifts of all.
Daughter
So everyday with us feels like Hanukkah, 8 days a week?

Stay At Home Comedian Dad
There’s funny & hilarious. Besides you being hyper-articulate Matilda.
You deliver naturalistic punchline words with extra personable pop and hilarious minded, expressive relish.

Daughter
I never want this compliment to end.

Who could resist this?

 

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Still Off IPA’s but back on Jokes Again

My 7 year old’s daughter’s developed sense of bullshit detection on full display.

Daddy, mommy said she could hang on a Trapeze Bar upside down with 1 leg when she was my age to. I wanted to say fake news mama. Bungee Jumping in Australia doesn’t require any upper hamstring strength either, raver hippie.

Obama and Michelle in Marriage Therapy
Trump won. I can’t be proud of our country anymore.
Despite a 7 figure advance on my memoir and my multi million dollar Netflix deal. Including free Uber and directors final cut.

Why would anyone name their kid Casper? Unless you’re Mel Brooks spoofing a Stephen King ghost story called Gentrification of Malcolm X Blvd.

 

Bakery Lady
Your sons are so handsome.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I already met with a lawyer to start drafting pre-poundage consent forms in their honor.

Bakery lady laughs long time.

1 Morning Prayer to Squeeze Into a Tweet
Lord, thank you making my son tougher than a black kid from Brooklyn. According to the ER Doctor after he got his stitches with no anesthesia because the line there was longer than the caravan, AMEN.

 

Morning Prayer In a Tweet Part 2
Lord, thank you for a daughter whose 10 times more impressive than mama and 10 times more athletic and 10 times more NY Jew smart ass smarter already at 7. Gentile Grandpa’s head hurts around her in a NY minute.

 

PR Hack for NBC
Will make Pete apologize on air live.
It will play well for #VeteransDay.
Then, Pete Davidson will no longer be perceived as Barney’s punk kid from the Simpsons. What, I used to do PR for Fox. Cut me some slack Lorne.

 

Macron is a jealous, little twat. Your country is ruined. And gripped in fear by you know who. Nationalism is a betrayal of patriotism. Of course he wants Uncle Sam to pick up their defense tab and bail their ass out of hell again.

What is Merkel giggling about? Her entire country has morphed into a no-go-rape zone. Her entire aura is 1 tied up back knot. And Macron is a fake news wannabe deep Balzac. Have fun with your Euro though, Frog Legs breath.

Nationalism is a betrayal of patriotism Macron? It’s the direct opposite jerk-off. Doesn’t baguette mouth realize Trump became President so America doesn’t descend into the lawless, freedom of speech paralyzed hellhole, Paris has become?

The hashtag campaign #ThankYouForYourService comes off as more forced than Larry David saying it to Hillary Hammer Time Cankles at a clambake fundraiser in Martha’s Vineyard in 2020.

1 hour before my wife’s birthday brunch celebration for her friends.
Babe, are we really blowing all of our Nespresso Pods on your friends? Isn’t sparkling wine from New Mexico enough? It’s a French wine making family. Macron insists their anti-nationalists.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

Birthing My Babies

Georgia O’ Keefe, famous landscape muralist, said if you can’t give up something you love for 2 months in a row, you posses no strength of character or something like that. I tried Google the quote and came up with goonish. So much for my  keyword, Boolean search recruiter background paying dividends for my writing career at all whatsoever.

So what must I give up that’s so important for me to birth my planned 2 babies in me this time around?  In order to prove to my 3 kids, only 1 being intentional how dad isn’t a spoiled, irresponsible, self-indulgent, crazed, alcholic, drug addict flake? Well, 1st I was thinking I only had to give up my cherished IPA’s, even my low calorie alternative Pap’s Blue Ribbon Tall Boys from the Deli. Which make me feel a tady hickish twentyish whenever I find myself buying them 2 at a time and drinking them for multiple days in a row straight. Despite, the famed Milkwakee brewer of such a slamable, crisp, pilsner, becoming rebranded in Willamsburg, Bushwick and beyond as the unofficiall hipster brew of choice.

But now I’m reached the conclusion outside of giving up on going to bars to watch my 1st love the Knicks this winter or with a friend like I see them anymore as a Stay At Comedian/Father of 3, knowing we’re on the cloud here at home. Outside of giving up my bombtastic, supple, hoppy forward, outrageously, lushytistic American made IPA’s, and my Knicks on TV this coming winter, my 3rd grandiose sacrifice in pursuit of securing what upstanding character I have left. And for the preservation of the focused, pure, loving  spirit of the incoming birth of my back to back inspired baby books, Birth of a Pescatarian Comedian. That documents my journey from boyhood to manhood through accepting responsibility for my degenerate lushy weekend, pot head littered ways in the past in exchange for getting high off the pure goodness of my 3 pitch perfect kids, baby Samuel’s inhalable feet and off my most impressive role yet, as our in house gourmand Pescatarian chef and host of our family meal review show starting tonight, Crazy Good Dada. Where I promote the mighty strength glory of the Pescatarian diet. Which is mostly, fish, veggies and cheese. By showcasing the wonderous raw power of my 7 year old daughter, Matilda, Singing Rose, AKA, Deltoids Dawn, doing one armed push ups on our family meal review show. Where we break the down the elements of what we ate, how many yummy dances it generated and what justified critiques, heckles or funny meal time storytelling it sparked in the process. Thereby, helping other do it all dads out there get inspired to make some heathy, delicious, Pescatarian meals for their kids during their ordained days of rest on the weekend. So their kids can make their working wives feel like slackers in comparison for a change.

How dare I imply any women of being  slackers in any capacity outside of bringing home the bacon. Kind of like how men today should believe all woman, regardless of logic or proof who charge a man of sexual harassment when he work remote from home. Knowing all company Skype meetings start with the same old virtual office procedure as your boss states. Before we get this meeting started, folks, all the guys raise your hands up high where I can see them. Self-imposed butt plugs aren’t considered a form of toxic masculinity are they? But I digress.

So back to the more PG13 friendly leanings of our family meal cooking review show Crazy Good Dada. Where you’ll see my hulking, 7 year old daughter complete her 10 one armed pushed ups. Before barking at the camera with friendly fierce, fired up glee. Not enough protein? Followed by punching her left open palm hand with her close fisted one in a very, slow, deliberate, all knowing smirk. Which screams I’m the most proud, non-annoying feminist to the core. Who takes the utmost offense to anyone implying, I’m a weaker, energy deprived, subservient, flabby underling just because I don’t have any meat in my diet or ham and cheese on wonder bread for lunch either.

Ham and Cheese is a such a boring lunch, my 7 year daughter fumes on camera. She adds. And it’s not like your mom even uses good ham like prosciutto, topped with creamy, funky subdued cheese like Piave, just regular ham and white bread, boringgg. My daddy says the good old fashioned ham and cheese never went out of style. Meanwhile, I’m thinking, I never knew the ham and cheese sandwich had a style.

So do it all dad being me, I also host the Do It All Dad Podcast, dad friendly entertainment for you and me. I’ve produced 54 episodes so far, resulting in 27 hours of stand-up funny material in less than a year off the weed for the most part. John Lennon wishes he was this productive during his stay at home dad years.

Still, the big sacrifice which I must give up for birth of my coming of age baby book Birth of a Pescatarian Comedian and Stay at Comedian, Controlling My Kids through comedy is my non stop worship and relentless pursuit of the most glorious, most high, except you the Lord, the body, spewing, spitastic, yanker laugh.

I’ve gotten quite proficient at being an A list laugh generator for the past 3 years as a Stay At Comedian but I can’t have that be the bane of my existence anymore nor let my obsession with proving my funny man chops. Knowing I no longer have the luxury of living in Queens and Brooklyn without kids to hop on stages whenever I want anytime old time.

My constant precoccupation with rewarding my good natured cheer generation to the world with beer or wine in addition to my addiction to carrying on my incessant love affairs with all my comedy bud strangers on Twitter must end until I birth these author career babies out of me.

My coming of age baby inspired parenting books are a result of beoming an unplanned stay at home comedian dad. And my 3 kids are a wonderful by product of my teaching, hustling and loving. And I’ve been given a taste of paradise and never want to slip away. I want more of it, a 4th kid even to give my 1st born the sister she never had. Doing stand up as a headliner doesn’t mesh with this dreamy lifestyle I want to perpetuate more than I still want to mount Elle the Body Mcpherson standing tall from behind. I have to bang out my next 2 coming of age baby books with aplomb and make them the literary equivalent to Slippery When Wet and New Jersey to give. myself the freedom to create more and be known in my kids school as a best selling, funny man published book author.

Plus, the success of Stay At Home Comedian book will allow me to control my kids even more so through comedy by getting them involved in the magic creation of our family meal review cooking Show Crazy Good Dada on the stay at home comedian work front. Also, more importantly, the success of these books, will allow me to extend my time at home with baby Samuel some more. Who I’m growing closer to every day, yeah, yeah.

Everything about daddy, he’s interested in, especially the Knicks basketballs on my shirts, ball, ball, ball. His 1st word by the way because he’s used to spending plenty of time watching do it all dad over here drain so many balls at the local playground court from way down town.

All of my codes on my phone and computer now are Samuel Wins. And that’s how I truly feel about my decision to launch this blog, do my podcast, write my baby books, get some sample chapters published in national magazines and launch this family meal review show with my kids because kids today need dad around more. And my kids growing love for each other, where they all can’t seem to get enough of each other or me yet, is living of proof it. And quite flattering to contemplate, emote it and feel on a daily basis through and through, come rain or shine.

If Amy Shumer is going to have a kid now, I can suck up not drinking for nine months also. For the record, I’m not making this up, Amy Schumer’s really having a Garbage Pale Kid, Snot Nosed Sammy. And Sarah Silverman is crying herself to sleep tonight into her favorite bed wetting averting, nightie hoodie. Lena Dunham is losing.

But in order to put more pressure on myself to make sure I don’t fuck up my last show at proving to my kids dad possess the strength of upstanding character and isn’t a slacker wimp at his very core. I told my 7 year old daughter to withdraw all forms of hugs for me if she sees me drink any beer or wine till I finish birthing my 1st baby book, Stay At Home Comedian, Controlling My Kids through comedy. Because those hugs unlike more empty filler from Paps, I can’t live without.

Yes, Stay At Home Comedian will be my smash book debut. Where I document my rise from slug to stud. Where I become a paid, published author on the stay at home comedian dad front becoming the new face of the remote work revolution. Who at 43 years old finally gets his act together, conducts his weed exit interview on his Do It All Dad Year Podcast, removes the foggy, deadened past, nervous energy weight to his writing and ends up dunking a basketball at the end of the book. With a picture of me doing it, yelling from hanging on the rim. Waste of height no more pops, that being my dad. In your face, I proclaim with all mighty, divine powered gleam in my eyes, in your face, in your face.

By,
Michael Kornbluth

My Daughter Upstaging Me Again

I read a lot of Airport Reviews. So my career as a stay at home comedian dad feels on the up and up. Gotta dream about future book signings baby.

Alexa, play You Lost that Loving Feeling. Wife says. Are you trying to say something? Talk to your thighs, not me babe.

Do It All Dad sanity preservation tip:
Never ever, ever, buy Goldfish for your kids.
They get everywhere like Cheerios and you’ll resent your kids existence for picking up after such eighties has been, never great to begin with snacks.

I’ll say it for President Trump. Joni Mitchell is overrated. She sounds like a folk singer parody in a Christopher Guest film. Who teaches Californian yodeling at Santa Monica Community College.

Joni Mitchell’s crackling, high pitched falsetto voice doesn’t age well on the nerves. Sounds more like California screeching.

Good Morning Alexa. How did that blue wave materialize? You’re not smart enough to play Wipe Out are you? You know because Mike Love of the Beach Boys actually praised President Trump for trying to help save the greatest voice of all.

Bill Deblasio let 900 NYC prisoners vote in the #Midterms2018. But President Trump is in favor of prison reform and lowering jail sentences for 1st time drug offenses. So I’m not as offended as I should be in this instance Big Bird.

Acosta should sue the president. No, he’s a pip squeak load that should’ve been swallowed.

If Jim Acosta was a comedian, he’d be banned from the Comedy Cellar also.
Due to his resistance to relinquish the microphone after getting the cue to wrap up his set on having to wear sunglasses in airports because he’s always on there.

Amy Schumer’s pregnant. Sarah Silverman is crying herself to sleep into her hoodie. Lena Dunham’s losing.

Jon Stewart getting heckled at vet benefit.
So glad you made it. I thought you’d be at the border.
ISIS vent viral under Obama. And now he’s a crack head.
You really know how to pick um Hebrew National.

Tucker Carlson’s racist rhetoric has created a frenzy against migrants. Whatever Blondie. Call me when you return to reality. Where Maxine Waters calls for violence against real loving Americans. Are ANTIFA groupies even a thing? Gross.

San Francisco didn’t wait for a DACA ruling of any kind since they declared themselves a sanctuary city once the term went viral, correct? But protecting rapists & murders, US citizens or not is mentally sound urban planning at its finest.

You can’t call march of the illegals, demanding entry into America after being offered asylum & jobs in Mexico an invasion if they’re only a 100 miles away. Sure, if they start backpedaling to Honduras like Apollo on the beach in Rocky 3.

I’m going to make a poster of acting AG Matthew Whittaker for my kids room. He looks like King Kong Bundy’s abandoned son with a colossal chip on his shoulder.

My 7 year old daughter’s brain on fire.
Daddy, when I get older, I’m opening up an obstacle school for grownups. With Monkey Bars, an acre high, floods, flips off cliffs, you name it.
My 7 Year old daughter preparing games for mama’s birthday.
Daddy, I made Tic Tac Toe with bigger squares, pin the tail on the unicorn. You can do some jokes about how annoying wives are Daddy. Without singling out mama specifically.

Int. Bedroom
Daughter
I read this book already daddy
It bored me to death, murderer.
Lock her up. Lock her up.

Daddy laughs long time.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Headbangers Ball VJ Ricky Rocket on Fox News Today

These Midterms are a vote for either Nancy Pelosi save me or the children cry. Or for money talks and ball breaker.

These Midterms are a vote for past its prime Europe or a clean and sober, revitalized, 90’s Aerosmith on the up and up again.

These Midterms are a vote for sober reasoning or CNN insisting Trump canceled Motley Crue’s appearance at the White House. Because Tommy Lee was too alt right for his taste.

These Midterms are a vote for law and order or else nothing else matters.

These Midterms are a vote for we’re not going to take it or the same old pyromania situation because oh, oh, Berkeley’s on fire.

These Midterms are a vote for nothing but a good time how can I resist. Which is a far cry from Dick Cheney’s Iron Maiden years.

These Midterms are a vote for revival of our paradise cities or stopping the youth gone wild from breaking the law, breaking the law.

These Midterms are a vote for something to believe in or more big talking.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Really Funny People and Judd Apatow

Dream Interpretation of Lady Gaga Falling In Love With Me
A star is born once I give birth to my parenting book Stay At Home Comedian. If I don’t terminate it in the 3rd trimester because my wife insists it’s a blue collar economy now.

Useless Younger Brother
You have to write some jokes on Alec Baldwin. I share. Zero response. So tempted to text. So me having skin cancer is still 50/50. I’ll take those odds over you ever surprising me with a zero agenda act of generosity again.

I’ve always been critical but Judd Apatow is a Godsend for making Funny People, his most personal film by far. It’s a very funny, pointed, heart felt film at its core. Politics aside, I love the comedy art he promotes and embodies so well.

I’ve changed my tune. F Judd Apatow for not being able to put his stupid politics aside and show the most modicum form of love for my emotive, heart felt compliment in his honor. Stern is right. His wife is super annoying in all his films.

Daddy, what’s the difference between a private school and a public one?
Feeling like a zero for not having enough zeros in your bank account to afford one in Connecticut Bush country.

F New York. I had the best Sicilian of my life in Greenwich, CT today. Plus, the Ricotta with eggplant slice. Didn’t taste like a ball of breadcrumbs or a plop of puked up Ricotta either. Marinara was spicy, fleshy and popping with personality boy.

Int. Home
Son calls grandparents.
Papa
Who is it?
Son
(Angry)
It’s me Arthur.
Are other 4 year old’s calling you on Sundays for Boy Scout donations?
Should we try again? So your embrace is less distant creepy.

Out of work music executive defending his stoner ways in divorce court.
My wife beats me up judge. At least on weed, it slows the action and I can defend myself better like Neo in the Matrix.

My impersonation of James Woods.
Had lunch with Oliver last week.
What else am I going to do?
Watch more #StormIsComing videos on Youtube?

Ricky Rocket from Headbanger’s Ball as a Political Pundit on Fox News
These Midterms are a vote for. Revival of our paradise cities or stopping the youth gone wild from breaking the law, breaking the law.

Me explaining what Eye Of The Tiger means to my 3 kids over Rocky 3.
It’s a stare which screams all business. It’s doing what you got to do. Like mama once a year on her birthday.

Obama downplaying Trump’s Border Order
It’s a stunt. Your President isn’t concerned with securing the border, legal immigration solutions or building a wall to keep out non-vetted undesirables. He just watched Red Dawn 1 too many times.

Obama on Trumps Border Order
It’s a fear mongering stunt. I would’ve deployed 10, 15 Hillary Audi 5000 Terminator drone models tops.

Obama on Trump’s Border Order
Trump wants to end chain migration. Why don’t you get Elon Musk to build you a time machine to go back in time and end the underground railroad while you’re at it Richie Rich.

Obama downplaying the Migrant Cavern at a Midterm Rally
It ain’t so bad. It ain’t nothing. None of you saw Rocky 3, did you?
Forgot I wasn’t in Mr. T country back in sweet home Chicago.

Obama on Trump’s Border Order
Trump hates the American Dream. Sure, it’s made him a morally bankrupt billionaire. But who gave you Obamacare, the Iran Deal and got Roseanne’s fat ass fired from her own show? That’s right, my live in Arabian Horse whisperer, Valerie Jarrett, that’s who.

Int. Car-Greenwich, CT
Stay At Comedian Dad
They own that pond.
7 Year Old Daughter
If we lived there. We can have picnics outside our home.

Int. Home
Wife
These chairs are made out of recycled plastic.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I bet they’re from Hillary’s Black American Express Cards because her credit with Russian Bankers is kaput.

Int. Home
Stay At Home Dad Comedian
You guys can play with these cardboard boxes outside. Make them into tent cities for rowdy Care Bears. Who try to crash your Hula Hip Hop party without an invitation.

Int. Playground-CT
Push my son on the swing. Woman next to me pushes her daughter. All I hear is Spanish from the mom and daughter.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Arthur, what happened to your other shoe?
All I see is Uno. Daddy is so stupido, doh, Eo, oh, oh.  Doh oh.

Int. Car
Merle Haggard plays.
7 Year Daughter
Why do country singers spend so much time in jail?
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
To prove their manhood because they all seem to have an unhealthy obsession with mama.

Int. Carpet Store-CT
Owner
How do your kids keep up with you?
You’re pretty high energy.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Instead of Sesame Street, I’ve raised all 3  kids on Martin Scorsese’s DVD commentary from Mean Streets.

What about self-centered grandparents Shakespeare?
“How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child.”
My mother in law adopted a rescue dog to get out of the house more often. Her 3 grandchildren lack the same gravitational pull.

Int. Carpet Store-CT
Owner
How do your kids comprehend you?
Calling you high energy is an understatement.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I raised them on AC/DC. So I’m whippets slow compared to Aussie wild man Bon Scott.

Int. Home
Stay At Home Comedian
Play with these cardboard boxes outside kids. You can make them into Roger Water metaphors. And accuse Yetta the Chicken of cultural genocide if you want to stay in character or not.

What about self-centered grandparents Shakespeare?
“How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child.”
My in-laws spend more on dog day care on a rescue than they do for their own 3 grandchildren combined.

What about self-centered grandparents Shakespeare?
“How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child.”
My father chooses tennis with Dr. Ken 350 days a year over getting to know his grandchildren on a bare minimum basis.

I hope Pet Sounds was written before Brian Wilson had any kids. I just wasn’t made for these times becomes an insufferable bitch feast to endure. When you’re a father of 3, knowing he had the Wrecking Crew to bang out new albums any time he wanted.

Shakespeare says hanging perverts has prevented many a bad marriage. What was that play called? Louie in Love with Lube, X-Videos Lost or Taming of the Blue?

Int. Carpet Store-CT
Nice Jewish Store Owner
Technically speaking, your kids aren’t Jewish.
Stay At Home Comedian
Because my wife didn’t convert out of old school yenta peer pressure alone. And refused to kick Jesus to the curb for me.

Int. Car
Daughter
Daddy, a magician in school created nature.
Stay At Home Comedian
Did he whip a Rabbit out of a hat?
Daughter
How did you know?
Stay At Home Comedian
It’s the oldest trick in the book but you made it sound way better.

My 4 year old son refusing to be depreciated.
7 Year old sister says. You’re not doing the hip hop Hula dance right. Younger brother says. Shut up. I’m doing it perfect. Pound salt Paula Abdul.

Int. Car
Lady Gaga plays.
7 Year Daughter
Daddy, what’s a Disco Stick? Is it a memory stick that glows in the dark?
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Or an unwanted prick on the dance floor behind you.

By,

Michael Kornbluth