The Virtual Sedar From Hell

Memo to

Any reader who got their panties in a bunch over the less than 2 seconds, non-steamy female on female kiss among the 2 reunited school librarian looking rebels on planet Endor in The Rise of Skywalker is a joyless douche incarnate.

Trump’s the Anti-Christ? But in the Bible part 2, Jesus returns to defeat him. So have some faith in the Jesus comeback story, won’t you people.

Anyone read any thought leadership posts on LinkedIn today about the low probability of Jews killing Jesus, knowing most avoid tool boxes full of hammers and nails like Trump Rallies on Fox News?

But seriously, have any thought leaders on LinkedIn today gposted any theories on the low probability of the Jews killing Jesus because Roman rulers catered less to heckling mobs than Chinese hate speech ambassadors for the NBA?

Anyone watch the virtual Passover Sedar hosted by Jason Alexander? Did he play the Jewish slave afflicted from being typecast as the bumbling putz on Seinfeld until he became liberated as the chosen celeb has-been resistor for hire?

It’s hard to feel sweet, fluffy and heavenly on Easter Sunday, after learning how your mother-in-law, force fed your son Eucharist in attempt to win heaven granting props because he was never baptized.

My wife insists if my 3 year old son doesn’t start brushing his teeth now, he’ll grow to get dentures. Can’t he just get his teeth airbrushed like Courtney Love, did before she became a junkie in the Case Against Larry Flynt? I don’t get it.

You have to question Prince Harry’s parenting instincts for naming his son Archie. Was Jughead not Transfluid enough? Also, raising your son in Bel Air as the new Fresh Prince is too much on the nose as they say in the biz.
A positive from the #coronavirus is the comic relief offered on LinkedIn from anyone who works in advertising, insisting they’re still working and hiring so called talent to prop up Collin Kaepernick’s net worth or NBA social justice activism.

My younger brother really is brain dead. He says, “Why would you give your daughter an HPV vaccination shot?” I say, “Because it makes her immune from dying of cervical cancer, if left untreated, which they don’t teach in Hebrew School, reformed or not.”

Michael Kornbluth

Do It All Dad Does Corona Virus Material

Justin Timberlake insists spending this much time with his only kid with Jessica Biel is just not human. Jessica Biel with no make up on in sweats failing to give him sustained stiffage should’t be an alien concept for Justin at this point either.

 

#LockdownExtended

But my younger brother doesn’t do well with an unstructured schedule and has a hard time sleeping from snorting his claustrophobia blues away. At least his vitamin C uptake with Screwdrivers in the AM will boost his immunity.

 

#LockdownExtended So Naomi Watts stuffs her face with more Red Velvet Cake, thinking she’s quirky off script to all her Instagram followers for another month. She has split custody. Get a grip. Improvise and take virtual Second City 101 babe.

 

#Lockdownextended. How will Justin Timberlake revert to feeling like a normal serial philanderer again, with dreams of Britney Spear’s scrumptious tight snatch of yesteryear again?

It’s hard to not to feel racially targeted at Whole Foods buying Matzah with a face mask on covering your nose. Yes, I’m Jewish. I celebrate Passover like Jesus the original super Jew. We got Jewish grandchildren in the White House, ha, ha.

 

It’s hard not to get angry at your mom when she never makes the time to acknowledge the new grandchildren pics you text her from Passover during the #cornoravirus. I text her. This is no way to book a Zoom meeting with your grandchildren ma.

My mom is dejected after I declined her offer to teach mythology to my kids during the #CoronavirusPandemic. Dad says. She’s a bright woman. But she bought into a Russian collusion myth with less legs than Lieutenant Dan. What could go wrong?
I wish the US surgeon general instructed my neighbors to avoid smoking crap skunk weed during day light hours personally. Who wakes and bakes past college, on a weekday with your baby brothers and sisters at home no less? I wouldn’t call them mensch material.
#Lockdownextended. How will Baby Boomers adjust to remaining virtual Facebook grandparents at large while Biden keeps forgetting the #Coronavirus isn’t what Hunter caught from a stripper in Cancun doing shots up her colo?
#Lockdownextended. But you’re not some wide eyed kid who got drugged and sodomized by the Tiger King under house arrest, smoking brain zapping indoor. So social distancing is still allowing you to come out on top, alright.
The best part about the #coronavirus is calling out your “mom for being too busy to comment on the Seder pics you text her from the 1st night of Passover. No comments yet mom? Even Biden would remember to pretend he gave a shit about the holy week.
Imagine the 1st debate between Trump and Biden. Trump says, “Why did China give billions to Hunter’s Private Equity Fund? Was it hush money to keep the vaccine for #Corona secret, stashed in a microchip made in Tawain up that tore up stripper’s snatch?
You know you’re hopeless, rudderless perv if you still insist on massage therapy at the local happy ending parlor as an essential service to preserve your sanity and drain your hate speech anger issues.
INT. HOME
Do It All Dad
Persian Jews hit each other with scallions to symbolize the whips of their slave masters on Passover.
Younger Brother
We didn’t do that growing up. Do It All Dad You add extra bacon to your cheeseburger orders at Wendy’s, fake news Jew.
My gentile wife tensing on Passover. Fuck Elijah, close the door, so the cat doesn’t get out. You better hide the afikoman someplace where the kids can’t break the house trying to find it. You didn’t pay for college Jew boy? What are you so bitter about?
Michael Kornbluth