The Balling Basingers

Hailey Baldwin stars in Levi’s 2020 voting campaign. Whatever it takes to revive Alex Baldwin’s sagging sense of purpose, since the blue balls Mueller Report dropped. Imagine her mother Kim Basinger winning another Oscar for the remake of a Coal Miner’s Daughter, where she actually works in the coal mines themselves before becoming a country music star. Trump tweets: I made Kim Basinger great again, even with a bunch of shit on her face.

Michael Kornbluth

Nasty As Twitter Allows Me To Be

Hillary claiming half of her destroyed emails as Secretary of State were yoga-related is a stretch. The other 15,000 emails detailed funeral arrangements in the woods,  if Chelsea Clinton’s fiance decided to increase his asking price before walking down the aisle at the last second.  My wife says it’s sexist to make fun of Chelsea Clinton but she’s not ugly anymore. Plus, I think Alyssa Milano  is a nasty Twitter Twat 2.

Michael Kornbluth

 

The Greatest Cleavage Formation of All

I love Dolly Parton, her songs to. Still, Dolly Parton’s statement to Billboard magazine felt forced off for me. She says, “And course Black lives matter. Do we think our little white asses are the only ones that matter? No!” Is this semi-fiery, no nonsense sentiment on brand for the only musical artist to have scored a hit on The Billboard Top Ten for 5 decades in a row? Has her magnetic cleavage withstood the erosion of time? Still, I can’t shake off the feeling that this trailblazing wildflower of the finest kind, whose been in an open marriage with her husband forever by the way, hey now, is capable of articulating more than the obvious fact that black men like skinny white assess to, because they don’t discriminate against booty,  Whoopie Goldberg excluded, even if they just got out of  Folsom Prison and lost a bet to Suge Knight in the can.

Michael Kornbluth