Moving Beyond Carnitas Tacos

Salmon Trout doesn’t belong in tacos. It belongs on a buffet station at your hotel in Norway, next to a bowl of capers, pickled herring and 1000 types of room temperature regulated Brie.

Salmon tastes better rolled up in rice or sandwiched between bagel bread and New York made cream cheese because we’re more demanding bitches to please.

White Corn Tortillas are alright. But the sugary white part tones down the corny earthiness. It’s like Kelly Ripa writing jokes for Jeff Foxworthy.

White Corn Tortillas are like George Lopez.
You know George Lopez wants to be loved by white America but not enough to refrain from injecting toppings of Spanish for realer earthiness Holmes.

Sauteed Black Bean tacos in butter, farm fresh plucked orange green peppers, red onion, with bulbs of whole garlic, swirled in it, with homemade chunky red tomato salsa on top is veggie supreme bliss Mang.

Fried Cod used in fish tacos, draped in a Chipotle or Avocado Crema and crunchy, purple slaw eaten at Padres games with Padre is the best. Salmon Trout used in fish tacos with pineapple salsa isn’t.

If you’re going to make Pineapple Salsa, at least be man enough to cut a Pineapple yourself. Because using the pre-cut kind means you’re being a half-ass homo about going all the way with it.

If you make your kids tacos at home. Your kids can’t be accused of Xenophobia at school because they learn fear of making Mexican accented cuisine at home.

Making 2 different types of salsa means you’ve got 2 much free time on your hands between mommy coming back from leading her new mommy meet up group already.

If you suck at rolling joints, chances are your Taco rolling skills won’t be so tight. Come to think of it, a filter to block the salsa from falling out would be handy though.

Michael Kornbluth