Rough Riding Biden

Florida and Anti-Semitism are so hot right now, Biden not so much. Too bad Hunter won’t profit from the Infrastructure Bill to pay for the reconstruction of his deviated septum.

Biden got the most votes of any presidential candidate in U.S History. Yeah, and Michelle Obama didn’t piss on the ceiling fan in the Lincoln Bedroom before Trump was sworn in, only for The Donald to say to Melania seconds later, “Is this what She-Hulk meant, when she said, “When they aim low, we aim, high?” Holla, thank you very much.

Imagine Obama on election night with Michelle, when the final vote tally came in. Wait a minute, we had to wait for that. Ok, so when the final vote tally was accumulated allegedly, after every Dominion employee scrubbed their LinkedIn page with the ruthless of precision of Corn Pop rubbing against Biden’s leg hair for good luck, to make it out of the hood, looking fit and trim again, doing something more constructive with his time than binge. DMX lives holla, thank you very much. Finally, Obama barks at the TV, “White Collar Joe broke my record Michelle. Can you believe this shit? Even after you strong armed Jack into kicking Trump off Twitter.

Biden getting more votes than me is like DMX giving up weed for catnip.”

Rest in Peace DMX, your growlish flow was the best. And nobody barked more killer rhymes, wearing such searing scarred truth on his chest.

Party it up in rap heaven, positive Tupac will have plenty of blunts rolled for you already after cleaning out the local 7-Eleven.

Michael Kornbluth

Hamas Hates Nuance

I text my mom photographed images from my 9 year old daughter’s report on the Holocaust called The Terror Of The Holocaust, which included a plethora of killer subtitle headers to, such as A Terrible Form Of Hate, Monster In Charge and Don’t Blame Us! And I add the killer one liner for the ages, “Don’t post the report on Facebook or else Hamas will accuse you of hate speech.” Holla, thank you very much.”

Biden is sending new aid to aid Palestinians since AOC served Andrew Yang’s balls to him in a Mai Tai on the rocks.

Fuck nuance. Palestinians elected terrorists in charge. The only difference between Palestine and America is that we didn’t elect a terrorist enabling scumbag to cut Palestine a blank check to finance non-stop terrorism against Israel as long as members of Hamas, the PLO and Hezbollah keep fucking. Holla, thank you very much.

Kids can’t be terrorists. What do you call ANTIFA? Elderly wannabe Punisher vigilantes in hoodies. Holla, thank you very much.

Also stop acting like you give a shit about Ramadan. Arab terrorists started something called the Yom Kippur war against Israel in 1973, on the most holy day on the Jewish calendar with the intent of wiping Israel off the map forever. The only difference now is you have social media to make worldwide antisemitism go transparently viral in real time you Hamas lover you.

Michael Kornbluth

COVID Babies

The only good thing about the never ending shit show post COVID is learning how to trim my own beard. Then again, I don’t see any relocated barbers from the Taliban sweating social distancing guidelines while using their heirloom machete to trim a little brain off the top.

Truckers in Australia are planning a strike to end this COVID driven tyranny that’s turned the land down under into a nanny police state mate. God, please inspire Stallone to reprise his role as a truck driver arm wrestler in Over The Top for a commercial on YouTube with his arch nemesis Bill Hurley where they join hands in solidarity in front of an American flag calling for American truckers to do the same. Assuming, they can guarantee Ashton Kutcher servicing them at trucker stops with the trucker hat turned backwards to make room for more big gulps of working class hero privilege. John Lennon lives, holla, thank you very much.

Biden pushing the COVID vaccine again on all of us poorly informed, unvaccinated people. Mr. Groper says, “Pfizer’s COVID vaccine just received FDA approval. You take their boner bills right? So, stop being so headstrong about the repeat prick every 6 months and suck it up buttercup. It’s big brother’s world now, you feckless cunts. You’ll need to double up on your Lipitor and blood thinner treatments after I give MAGA country cardiac arrest with more Taliban gift bags from Airforce One to hijack your next local school board meeting near you. You thought your kids wearing masks was a a suffocating inconvenience? Try Sharia sanctioned law by machetes and Russian confiscated AK-47’s motherfuckers.”

A reporter asking Biden how many Americans are left in Afghanistan.  How many cigarettes are in a pack of Camel smokes Joe, after Hunter’s gone through one eight ball too many? How many more aces do you have up your sleeve Cool Hand Luke? Fine, straight to the harder hitting questions then, how many Americans will meet their maker in Afghanistan Joe? Come on man, if Hunter was president, I’d expect him to blow off questions regarding dereliction of duty to snag more blow to get up for some more blow painting but not you Joe. If you’re such a good guy Joe, then why didn’t you tell Hunter to cut out creaming into his dead brother’s widow seconds after the cremation ensued? Fuck this job, I’m getting in shape to become a Peloton instructor, they don’t teach live classes anymore, so I won’t have to get the vaccine shot right? Did you know some Peloton instructors make up to 300 grand? No wonder why they’re so fucking happy riding bikes to such shitty Fleetwood music. You can’t be arrested for hate speech if you’re a Peloton instructor in London for leading a Cat Stevens artist series on Yom Kippur either. Imagine a Peloton instructor dropping dead from the COVID vaccine shot on a live feed. Would you keep riding through the pain of not pushing yourself to burn through those remaining 200 calories left to burn for the remainder of your leftover 10 minutes in motion? So, you could enjoy your beer after your Peloton ride guilt free, soon after? Yeah, me to.”

A groomsman at my wedding almost 11 years ago is about to have his 1st kid. I want to be more excited for him considering the circumstances, but at least he lives in Florida. So, he’ll never have to see his kid come off the bus with a mask on looking like Michael Jackson’s adopted kids on holiday in Bahrain. Plus, my groomsman bud voted for Trump to. So, I can see him pushing his future daughter into getting artificial insemination one day. Because he won’t like the idea of any penis ever entering his daughter. Then again, look how Hillary turned out. Still, how will COVID babies be taught about Kamala Harris in US history class down in Florida in 4 years exactly when she becomes President in 4 weeks? Teacher says, “They call her Pearl Necklace Harris for a reason folks. She’s actually part Indian, and part Jamaican. Her ancestors owned slaves in Bob Marley country. Plus, she was born in Canada. So she’s an all over the place, unhuggable cunt really. Who never had any business sitting her fat stanky ass in the White House Oval Office, until we the people took the power back and DeSantis killed off the rhinos by starting a brand new Burning Mask Party, which gives Trump a heart attack for not patenting that killer political party name to slap on schmatta looking hats sooner. Then, the Trucker’s union in America went on strike over forced mandate shots, brought our economy down to it’s knees, after a nationwide voting audit proved Dominion machines are more evil embedded than White House assertions of any stranded Americans wanting to stay in Afghanistan as hostages because they really want to nail their audition for Saw 5000. Then, the new age Nuremberg trials happened, which sent Fuck Face Fauci to Gitmo for funding and lying about being the least deserving of his mass murder participation trophy. After that, our truckers stormed into the White House with the other white hats and MAGA Patriots, including active and retired military at large and got that fake news black lives matter bitch trucking on a one way ticket to hell, that being a one way Greyhound bus ticket to Folsom Prison to work on a chain gang for a new doc by Oliver Stone called,  Kamala Is The New Black. The end, thank God. Oh yeah, Ivanka broke up with Jared and got herpes.”

I reached out to a high school bud about visiting one of our friends who just had his 1st kid at 45. He texts back, “I don’t think Dave will want us around a newborn with all that’s going on.” I said, “But the Taliban is coming, we’re still forced to wear masks in hospitals anyway and Sharia Law won. So, what difference does it make? Hillary Hammer Time Cankles lives, Challah, thank you very much.

What’s an appropriate gift for a COVID baby in Australia today? Pepper spray resistant swim goggles. Strollers equipped with Alexa powered COVID curfew reminders? Unless mommy wants to quarantine herself in penal colony detainments for COVID spurning cunts while her kid gets snatched up by child services for reckless endangerment because the COVID God’s of law and order are batshit Pelosi crazy.

Michael Kornbluth

Burning Burnouts

I stopped taking weed edibles because I got tired of feeling like a moron while trying to answer my daughter’s questions that were keeping her up, after I thought she was asleep already. Edibles kick in, Daughter asks, “Daddy, if God created the universe, then who created God? I say, “God went back in time, in a Time Machine, made by Elon Musk. Daughter says, “Keep on doing edibles daddy. Thanks for making me an Atheist at 4.”

Pothead dad texts, “You got to see Jurassic Park 3, Jeff Goldblum.” I text back, “Why, because your wife told you to follow fake news scientists on Twitter like Dr. Gnocchi. After you gave your kid clot shots to prevent them from catching an itchy esophagus. Let me guess, you got your wife pregnant because you got stoned and forgot to ask her if she was on the morning after pill? Join the club. Actually, had a pothead friend in college who had a Production Assistant job on the Universal lot. So, we’d sneak into Universal Studios through the parking lot into the Jurassic Park ride all the time. At the same time, this was before California became a giant tent city sponsored by REI. We didn’t have to show ID or a wrist band to enter the park once we snuck in through the Jurassic Park ride through the parking lot. Today, we wouldn’t have to show proof of vaccination if we had a good tan holmes. It’s not as if Universal Studio’s was giving away free parking passes so anybody under the sun could enjoy all the rides for free. California Democrats didn’t have to steal elections and woo new voters in broad daylight just yet, those were the days. When Spielberg’s daughter didn’t do porn to keep up with Kim Kardashian. I know, she’s studying to become a social justice lawyer now. Social Justice Lawyers are so hot right now. Hot enough to snag Pete Davidson in his prime who looks like Annie Leibowitz and Barney from the Simpsons had a baby. The voice of Generation Z, the boy toy king of Staten Island shouldn’t get burnt out on pimping for Big Pharma by shaming clot shot resistors on SNL for a living. So, what difference does burning burnouts make? Burning Burnouts, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Double Down Winners

In Scottsdale, Arizona waiting for a walk sign with my 3 kids. A guy tire’s of waiting for the sign and crosses the street in a NY minute. I say, “An old school New Yorker spreading his wings.” And a group behind us laughs long time. Double Down Winners, Challah, thank you very much.

Sick of hearing boring, older men complain about my Chatter Teeth Son. Funnier dad, happier baby. Get over it already, blah breathed boomer. Double Down Winners, Challah, Thank you very much.

Chatter Teeth Son sets off the metal detector at the airport, despite being dressed like the Van Halen Angel baby for Easter. I yell, “All Metal Baby.” He was sucking down Scorpion lollipops for breakfast before Ozzy bit off bat heads. Ozzy felt the need to one up All Metal Baby after Winds of Change broke big after the Berlin Wall came down.” Double Down Winners, Challah, thank you very much.

But if you really want to feel forever young, hang out at an Italian Bakery in Sommers, NY on a Friday afternoon. I don’t want to call it the Fountain of Youth, but my number won’t be called for another century compared to their Great Godmother clientele, which gave the atmosphere of depressive hovering death at Walmart a good name. Imagine Kay telling Michael in the Godfather about aborting their Hermaphrodite son. “I killed off your precious Sicilian seed Michael. Forget the dream of any of future Jamie Lee Curtis clones to trade places with an Italian Tony Curtis 2.0 after you ordered a hit on Chaz Bono’s reproductive rights, Michael.”

Son picks up corn holders in front of grandpa and says, “I’m Predator.” Pops gets jealous. I say, “Why aren’t you still laughing dad?” He said, “I’m just tired.” I said, “Tired of what, being an asshole?”

Why is Lebron James in a doc about Ken Griffy Junior? Even Junior knew about personality limitations and stuck to smiling on Wheaties Boxes and Upper Deck Trading Cards, when he wasn’t breaking wind with Pops in the dugout while exuding a more carefree edge in Seattle, pre-Antifa apartheid, because back then a young Junior was more into Fresh Prince than Soundgarden.

I think the real assholes on both sides of the cultural divide are those most liberal in dispersing their weighty opinions, especially when they weren’t solicited in the 1st place. I make a comment about my 11-year-old daughter wanting to become a professional singer who could write her own songs and even pen hit Broadway plays like a female Neil Simon one day. Dad says, “But how can she do that, when she can’t even sing?” I say, “How would you know? You book less face time with your granddaughter than Hunter does with his Baby Mama during Easter on Zoom.” While the stripper baby mama says to her lawyer, “Social distancing my ass, Mr. Groper can sniff Jill’s scarecrow hair during the next egg hunt on the Biden Delaware beachfront estate for a change.”

Only my mom can make me like Putin again. Visting in Arizona for Spring Break. And mom says, “You know, who’s small, Putin.” I said, “Then, why hasn’t Scranton Joe threatened to take him out in the school yard in Siberia yet Ma?” Oh, yeah, Biden is morally compromised because a Ukranian energy company paid his son, Sir Snort A Lot, 50 grand a week in the form of a political kickback to push borscht as the new Kombucha.”

Arizona isn’t off the list all together if Russia decides to spare the Walmart in Scottsdale, Arizona in the event of Nuclear Holocaust. I got the Metalica Black album for 5 bucks for Christ’s sake. If killer deals like that can’t usher a new era of peaceful goodwill toward capitalistic titans of American retail stores, I don’t know what will.

Daughter asks, “Daddy, who’s Moses? I say, ” A stuttering Jew, who came through.”

Son asks, “What does the Pope do? I say, “Play musical chairs with pedophiles.”

United Nation condemnations are more useless than fishnet leggings on Jill Biden.

Their appeal to the greater good is far past their expiration dates and spotty at best.

Give drug addicts credit, they know how to milk the pity bullshit card for all its worth.

Younger brother who just got divorced tells my mom, “He’s spending his time alone watching documentaries on National Parks on Netflix these days?” I said, “Is that what he’s claiming to do in his down time these days ma? I guess that’s how he got the idea of John Stewart running for President of Action Park if the Sierra Club excludes him for never urging Comedy Central to fire his successor for being a serially unfunny, wannabe Paul Mooney in a hoodie.”

More white privilege problems, Son. It’s hard to not feel like the sloppy second son, when your parents don’t think your good enough to drink from the fine crystal for Passover because you used to support Trumpy Poo on your podcast for free. Plus, you refuse to expose your kids to ESPN since all major sports teams mandated the clot shots, supported athletes taking the knee and kicking Nazi destroyers in nuts to protest no good thugs resisting arrest, turning their lives around like Pookie in New Jack City, not.

And claiming Obama’s economy was the one responsible for Dow Jones highs, is like claiming Nino Brown from New Jack City got Pookie off crack and welfare.

How can they make a Michael Jackson musical? Is the King of popping cherries in any scenes with his old Hollywood Hills neighbor Marlon Brandon still in his shrink character from Don Juan Demarco? Brando says, “Just because it happened on the Neverland Ranch, doesn’t mean it never happened Michael.”

The Michael Jackson musical is being staged in the Neil Simon theatre on Broadway no less. Can you a picture of modern-day remake of Lost in Yonkers by Neil Simon commenting on the very staging of this musical in the Neil Simon theatre. Little Jewish kid Jerome the 3rd, says, “Today, Yonkers is black as shit up in here, but the line waiting outside the Neil Simon Theatre to audition for the lead of Michael Jackson, not so much. I’m just curious. If the King of Popping Cherries were still alive, how would he defend himself against all his Neverland accusers on HBO today? “Would The King of Pop say, “All the Beatles royalty points in the world can’t buy me love.”

You can’t be in support of underage sex trafficking if similar to Bob Kraft, you only request happy enders who weren’t yanked off the boat yesterday. Double Downer Winners, Challah. Thank you very much.

Finally, gave up drinking beer last summer. I couldn’t live with myself anymore, spending so much time, hungover, recycling, endless reminders of my lushy littered past, as entire Rocky Marathons on AMC passed me by.

How pathetic is the Electric car Pitch? It’s better for the environment. But COVID 19 masks will take longer to decompose in the Pacific than Nany Denture Breath Pelosi past Easter.

Elon Musk, Gates and Al Gore to a Gastro Pub Bar. Gates orders a Beyond Meat Burger. Gore orders a Klondike Bar and Musk orders, “A Flaming Nazi?” Gen X Bartender says,”
“What’s a Flaming Nazi?” Musk says, “Justin Trudeau on holiday with Klaus Schwab in Davos whenever they hook up with the cast and crew from Killing Zoe after hours for shits and giggles.” Gates said, “I thought a Flaming Nazi was any fake news straight man caught driving a Telsa after the car battery exploded for accelerating from 0 to 60 into the back of a tree trunk next to Eddie Murphy’s tinted out Range Rover in West Hollywood, my bad.”

How do you stop the next pandemic? Use the RICO act and strip George Soros of all assets next time Gates and Dr. Gnocchi urge the Nazi youth round them upper to release the Franken Bat on MAGA country because the Chinese weren’t making enough Yuhan money on NBA ball gags made in China yet? Gotta dream Dave. Carlito’s Way lives, Challah, thank you very much.

I tell my daughter about how Bill Gates has done Ted Talks on the importance of “depopulation.” 10-year-old daughter says, “So, by depopulation, you mean murder.” I say, “One mass media-controlled sheep at time due the COVID 19 jab, that’s correct. If William Blake were alive today to look into Bill Gates soul on acid or not, all Blake would see is infinite darkness. Think of a 4 -eyed black hole drenched in a yellow cashmere sweater made in Wuhan, with glops of vegan mayo stains that’s Devil spawn spewing’s from Colbert after jamming a Howdy Doody up his ass to get in the mood. You should’ve seen the way Colbert drooled over John Podesta on his Late-Night show, which is twice as deprived perverse because those DNC funding walls showcase enough pedo installation artwork to make Marilyn Manson blush.”

I broke my Kosher diet because a Jewish orthodox woman at the Phoenix Airport, sporting a Happy Pesach Hoodie acted repulsed, after I pitched her my well-reviewed, self-published book, The Great American Jew Novel. She said, “I’m on vacation and work in academia.” I said, “But I bet you found the moral strength to ignore your better judgement and vote for Mr. Groper. Despite, a Rabbi calling him a liar for claiming he visited The Tree of Life, after the massacre there when Trumpy Poo was President. ” The same Rabbi adds, “I’ve never met Joe Biden in my life. Does it look I spend much time at Ben & Jerry’s these days? What’s Ben and Jerry’s latest flavor in honor of the oppressed Palestinians granted free healthcare and voting rights in the occupied territory, “Rocky Road To Peace”, “Arafat Was Underrated”, or “”

For Holocaust Remembrance Day, the Squad in Congress called Amy Winehouse a devil horn hiding, parasitical Jew bitch, who exploited the Great Palestinian Songbook for all it was worth. Double Down Winners, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Veterans Day Special

In honor of Veterans Day, I schooled my kids on why Generation Z sucks compared to Nazi killers and the likes of Jesse Owens, who ran Hitler’s master race theory into the ground, without breaking a sweat over their triggered feelings of inferiority in the process, despite those ultra-efficient, Type A Aryan’s running like cranked up speed demons as if their state supplied crystal meth for Octoberfest was riding on it.

I add, “Millennial Mousketeers aren’t any better because half of them thought Trump was either the Anti-Christ or Hitler. First, sequels never live up to the original. Last, in the Bible part 2, Jesus kills the anti-Christ like a bearded Kyle Rittenhouse. So have some faith in the Jesus comeback story, won’t you people?  If you still think Trumpy Poo is the Anti-Christ instead of the most popular replacement president of all time, Mr. Groper. Whose campaign rallies barely filled out Ariel’s clam shell bra. If Biden got the most votes off all time, Michelle Obama regretted pissing on the ceiling fan in the Lincoln bedroom minute before Trump’s inauguration. Hours later Trump gets a peed on for real this time from above, and says, “Melania, is this Michelle meant when she-hulk said, “When they go low, we aim high”.

Daughter replies, “You could’ve just asked Alexa to play God Bless the USA by Lee Greenwood on Veterans Day but God blessed you with the funny Jew bone for a reason Daddy.” USA, USA, USA!

Michael Kornbluth

Fatal Misdirection

The new Alec Baldwin excuse for fatal misdirection.

“I’m an all over all the place Jew since I quit self-medicating by getting loaded.”

Couldn’t have happened to a nicer a guy, I heard. But Trump is Hitler 2.0. Relax Alec, sequels never live up to the original. Although Biden, AKA, Mr. Groper, demanding jab stabs among all federal workers, involving our military and all 1st responder emergency workers while exempting member of congress from taking it like horse face AOC, like anyone would knock up that blabber mouth twat on purpose, has managed to sexually assault the shit out our Lady Liberty with greater frothy ferocity than R. Kelly ever did to his leashed bitches under house arrest, in sweet home Chicago. Oh, yeah, Michelle Obama said, “It’s racist, if you flee from the south side of the Chicago. As if the south side of Chicago, the leader maker of bleeding controlling kits in the country, is only one crepe food truck away from gentrification. Gentrification, you know liberal talk for less mouthy Cardi B’s, and more juice bars to load up on Vitamin D, since finding any access to hydroxychloroquine is harder than finding a film blogger on the Rotten Tomatoes who called the Irishman, “Underrated.”

The most feeble reply imaginable is if you ask somebody if they think Joe Biden actually won fair and square. Their upper lips furls into a frenzied despair, doing it’s best to keep the stream of ultra hesitant um’s from spilling out as their souls drops 5 stories closer to liar, liar, pants on fire hell. If Biden got more votes than even Obama Be Good, despite his campaign rallies being so tiny, they couldn’t even fill out the Little Mermaids’ miniscule clam shell bras. Then, Michelle Obama regretted pissing on the ceiling fan in the Lincoln Bedroom moments before Trump got inaugurated. Later, Trump takes a tour of the Lincoln Bedroom and get’s peed on for real this time and comments to Melania, “Is this what Michelle meant, when she-hulk said, when they go low, we aim high?” Can I get a holla for some Challah? Joan lives. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth