Double Down Winners

In Scottsdale, Arizona waiting for a walk sign with my 3 kids. A guy tire’s of waiting for the sign and crosses the street in a NY minute. I say, “An old school New Yorker spreading his wings.” And a group behind us laughs long time. Double Down Winners, Challah, thank you very much.

Sick of hearing boring, older men complain about my Chatter Teeth Son. Funnier dad, happier baby. Get over it already, blah breathed boomer. Double Down Winners, Challah, Thank you very much.

Chatter Teeth Son sets off the metal detector at the airport, despite being dressed like the Van Halen Angel baby for Easter. I yell, “All Metal Baby.” He was sucking down Scorpion lollipops for breakfast before Ozzy bit off bat heads. Ozzy felt the need to one up All Metal Baby after Winds of Change broke big after the Berlin Wall came down.” Double Down Winners, Challah, thank you very much.

But if you really want to feel forever young, hang out at an Italian Bakery in Sommers, NY on a Friday afternoon. I don’t want to call it the Fountain of Youth, but my number won’t be called for another century compared to their Great Godmother clientele, which gave the atmosphere of depressive hovering death at Walmart a good name. Imagine Kay telling Michael in the Godfather about aborting their Hermaphrodite son. “I killed off your precious Sicilian seed Michael. Forget the dream of any of future Jamie Lee Curtis clones to trade places with an Italian Tony Curtis 2.0 after you ordered a hit on Chaz Bono’s reproductive rights, Michael.”

Son picks up corn holders in front of grandpa and says, “I’m Predator.” Pops gets jealous. I say, “Why aren’t you still laughing dad?” He said, “I’m just tired.” I said, “Tired of what, being an asshole?”

Why is Lebron James in a doc about Ken Griffy Junior? Even Junior knew about personality limitations and stuck to smiling on Wheaties Boxes and Upper Deck Trading Cards, when he wasn’t breaking wind with Pops in the dugout while exuding a more carefree edge in Seattle, pre-Antifa apartheid, because back then a young Junior was more into Fresh Prince than Soundgarden.

I think the real assholes on both sides of the cultural divide are those most liberal in dispersing their weighty opinions, especially when they weren’t solicited in the 1st place. I make a comment about my 11-year-old daughter wanting to become a professional singer who could write her own songs and even pen hit Broadway plays like a female Neil Simon one day. Dad says, “But how can she do that, when she can’t even sing?” I say, “How would you know? You book less face time with your granddaughter than Hunter does with his Baby Mama during Easter on Zoom.” While the stripper baby mama says to her lawyer, “Social distancing my ass, Mr. Groper can sniff Jill’s scarecrow hair during the next egg hunt on the Biden Delaware beachfront estate for a change.”

Only my mom can make me like Putin again. Visting in Arizona for Spring Break. And mom says, “You know, who’s small, Putin.” I said, “Then, why hasn’t Scranton Joe threatened to take him out in the school yard in Siberia yet Ma?” Oh, yeah, Biden is morally compromised because a Ukranian energy company paid his son, Sir Snort A Lot, 50 grand a week in the form of a political kickback to push borscht as the new Kombucha.”

Arizona isn’t off the list all together if Russia decides to spare the Walmart in Scottsdale, Arizona in the event of Nuclear Holocaust. I got the Metalica Black album for 5 bucks for Christ’s sake. If killer deals like that can’t usher a new era of peaceful goodwill toward capitalistic titans of American retail stores, I don’t know what will.

Daughter asks, “Daddy, who’s Moses? I say, ” A stuttering Jew, who came through.”

Son asks, “What does the Pope do? I say, “Play musical chairs with pedophiles.”

United Nation condemnations are more useless than fishnet leggings on Jill Biden.

Their appeal to the greater good is far past their expiration dates and spotty at best.

Give drug addicts credit, they know how to milk the pity bullshit card for all its worth.

Younger brother who just got divorced tells my mom, “He’s spending his time alone watching documentaries on National Parks on Netflix these days?” I said, “Is that what he’s claiming to do in his down time these days ma? I guess that’s how he got the idea of John Stewart running for President of Action Park if the Sierra Club excludes him for never urging Comedy Central to fire his successor for being a serially unfunny, wannabe Paul Mooney in a hoodie.”

More white privilege problems, Son. It’s hard to not feel like the sloppy second son, when your parents don’t think your good enough to drink from the fine crystal for Passover because you used to support Trumpy Poo on your podcast for free. Plus, you refuse to expose your kids to ESPN since all major sports teams mandated the clot shots, supported athletes taking the knee and kicking Nazi destroyers in nuts to protest no good thugs resisting arrest, turning their lives around like Pookie in New Jack City, not.

And claiming Obama’s economy was the one responsible for Dow Jones highs, is like claiming Nino Brown from New Jack City got Pookie off crack and welfare.

How can they make a Michael Jackson musical? Is the King of popping cherries in any scenes with his old Hollywood Hills neighbor Marlon Brandon still in his shrink character from Don Juan Demarco? Brando says, “Just because it happened on the Neverland Ranch, doesn’t mean it never happened Michael.”

The Michael Jackson musical is being staged in the Neil Simon theatre on Broadway no less. Can you a picture of modern-day remake of Lost in Yonkers by Neil Simon commenting on the very staging of this musical in the Neil Simon theatre. Little Jewish kid Jerome the 3rd, says, “Today, Yonkers is black as shit up in here, but the line waiting outside the Neil Simon Theatre to audition for the lead of Michael Jackson, not so much. I’m just curious. If the King of Popping Cherries were still alive, how would he defend himself against all his Neverland accusers on HBO today? “Would The King of Pop say, “All the Beatles royalty points in the world can’t buy me love.”

You can’t be in support of underage sex trafficking if similar to Bob Kraft, you only request happy enders who weren’t yanked off the boat yesterday. Double Downer Winners, Challah. Thank you very much.

Finally, gave up drinking beer last summer. I couldn’t live with myself anymore, spending so much time, hungover, recycling, endless reminders of my lushy littered past, as entire Rocky Marathons on AMC passed me by.

How pathetic is the Electric car Pitch? It’s better for the environment. But COVID 19 masks will take longer to decompose in the Pacific than Nany Denture Breath Pelosi past Easter.

Elon Musk, Gates and Al Gore to a Gastro Pub Bar. Gates orders a Beyond Meat Burger. Gore orders a Klondike Bar and Musk orders, “A Flaming Nazi?” Gen X Bartender says,”
“What’s a Flaming Nazi?” Musk says, “Justin Trudeau on holiday with Klaus Schwab in Davos whenever they hook up with the cast and crew from Killing Zoe after hours for shits and giggles.” Gates said, “I thought a Flaming Nazi was any fake news straight man caught driving a Telsa after the car battery exploded for accelerating from 0 to 60 into the back of a tree trunk next to Eddie Murphy’s tinted out Range Rover in West Hollywood, my bad.”

How do you stop the next pandemic? Use the RICO act and strip George Soros of all assets next time Gates and Dr. Gnocchi urge the Nazi youth round them upper to release the Franken Bat on MAGA country because the Chinese weren’t making enough Yuhan money on NBA ball gags made in China yet? Gotta dream Dave. Carlito’s Way lives, Challah, thank you very much.

I tell my daughter about how Bill Gates has done Ted Talks on the importance of “depopulation.” 10-year-old daughter says, “So, by depopulation, you mean murder.” I say, “One mass media-controlled sheep at time due the COVID 19 jab, that’s correct. If William Blake were alive today to look into Bill Gates soul on acid or not, all Blake would see is infinite darkness. Think of a 4 -eyed black hole drenched in a yellow cashmere sweater made in Wuhan, with glops of vegan mayo stains that’s Devil spawn spewing’s from Colbert after jamming a Howdy Doody up his ass to get in the mood. You should’ve seen the way Colbert drooled over John Podesta on his Late-Night show, which is twice as deprived perverse because those DNC funding walls showcase enough pedo installation artwork to make Marilyn Manson blush.”

I broke my Kosher diet because a Jewish orthodox woman at the Phoenix Airport, sporting a Happy Pesach Hoodie acted repulsed, after I pitched her my well-reviewed, self-published book, The Great American Jew Novel. She said, “I’m on vacation and work in academia.” I said, “But I bet you found the moral strength to ignore your better judgement and vote for Mr. Groper. Despite, a Rabbi calling him a liar for claiming he visited The Tree of Life, after the massacre there when Trumpy Poo was President. ” The same Rabbi adds, “I’ve never met Joe Biden in my life. Does it look I spend much time at Ben & Jerry’s these days? What’s Ben and Jerry’s latest flavor in honor of the oppressed Palestinians granted free healthcare and voting rights in the occupied territory, “Rocky Road To Peace”, “Arafat Was Underrated”, or “”

For Holocaust Remembrance Day, the Squad in Congress called Amy Winehouse a devil horn hiding, parasitical Jew bitch, who exploited the Great Palestinian Songbook for all it was worth. Double Down Winners, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Democracy Declined

Favorite nicknames for you know who in the White House are Mr. Groper, Icky Shuffle and Sir Snort A Lot’s Father.

I share these gems with a political cartoonist because he asked his mailing list if we had any favorite nicknames to share. So, I’d indulge the hick, got the house to myself for a change. Hours later, still no reply. I know he just left to go Trout fishing but still. I email back the following hour.

These a plus nicknames deserve an emoji ball tickle in return Ben. Print a cartoon about Trumpy Poo saying dick about all the millions and millions due to drop dead from the clot shot considering the thousands that have died from it so far.  Americans don’t know about soccer players dropping dead because none of us watch soccer, but still. RFK Junior lives, Challah. Thank you very much.

At the same time, Trump’s safe in Mar A Lago was just raided by the FBI. MSNBC wanted to call it a “Panty Raid”, hoping Melania would hide her gun in her panties like Karen in Goodfella’s in a remake of Revenge The Nerds Meets Married to The Big Tech Mob called, Net Zero Bush. So as Hillary Hammer Time Cankles would say, “What difference does it make?”

Oh yeah, Hillary’s 30 thousand deleted emails detailed funeral arrangements if Chelsea’s fiancé increased his asking price at the last sec. Democracy declined, Challah. RFK Junior for President. He wrote The Real Dr. Gnocchi, after Cuomo wrote a book on Leadership called How To Kill Italian Grandma Without Throwing Her Off The Train. Remember when Cuomo was still considered a sex symbol by Ben Stiller? Despite the Italian Reptilian Inside still looking like the Thing and Mama Fratelli from the Goonies had a baby. On the other hand, the newly unelected Governor of New York is no looker either. She looks like Delta Burke’s insane sister sentenced to the electric chair for refusing to say grace at The Judd’s house over Christmas while insisting, “Over my dead body. Jesus only saves the perfect cheekbones and mounds of tits for my big sis. For the people or my alien kind, my ass.” Democracy declined, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth