Edward Snowden for President, not that elections matter anymore, Challah. Thank you very much.
Controlling My Kids With Comedy
Edward Snowden for President, not that elections matter anymore, Challah. Thank you very much.
Explaining crypto to my kids.
Remember when Samuel blew 1 million dollars’ worth of energy drinks in Toca Boca on Arthur’s account with digital tokens he worked hard to amass. Now, imagine those digital tokens were worth one million dollars in real life. That’s what cryptocurrency is, it’s tokens used to buy stuff in Toca Boca in real life. Plus, cryptocurrency isn’t controlled by the one world new order, including the Rothchild’s family, who control the Federal Reserve and all the banks in the North Pole to. Big Mouth Moses lives, Challah. Thank you very much.
Book a hair appointment at Kids Style for my 2 sons, AKA, Stud Alerts On the Loose. Over the phone I say,” “Get ready for guaranteed gorgeousness galore. I refuse to send them off to Junior High without a lawyer on their person at all times to hand out pre-poundage consent forms since jerking off post Zoom became our last safety rail left. Older woman can’t help but flirt with my son at the grocery store, which is flattering knowing how my star powered seed emanates from my Do It All Dad Year Tree Trunk. One said, “When you get older, you’ll have 3 girlfriends to juggle.” I said, “If James Woods had this kid’s face, your estimates wouldn’t be so conservative.” His older brother, the Sun Butter King of Croton Falls is a dreamy crossbreed between River Phoenix and Kevin Costner despite his Grandfather’s Indian name back on the streets of the Bronx being Trips on Curbs. So, in essence, my son Millionaire By 10, AKA Feather Foot, AKA Art Show USA would be the ideal pin up for Aryan Teen Beat in 4 years, if this picturesque pure blood clone wasn’t contaminated by dad’s dirty jew blood to fuck up the party for Swastika nation. And how stupid looking is the Swastika symbol? I don’t care if it’s a photo shopped Hindu symbol, it still looks like 2 Stick Figures doing a 69 on a see saw, on government grade crystal meth, who made the Nazi’s think they could conquer all of Europe on it, until Eisenhower’s army helped demolish their Master Race theory into the ground, after Jesse Owen’s made those Kraut breath bastards choke on his star dust from afar, like Denzel Washington on the set of Empire. Because deplorable is anyone whose glad Jussie Smollett took a shot. But on the lighter side of things, this is me instructing my son Kosher Klaus Sushi on how to avoid antisemitic backlash at school while teaching his friends how to play to Dreidel at school. “Arthur, when the Dreidel lands on Gimmel, don’t say, “Give me all your money. Because the chosen people control the Federal Reserve and all the banks in the North Pole to.” Challah, thank you very much.
Later, the kid stylist says, “Does your son want a booster seat?” I say, “Does he look like Dr. Gnocchi?” Latino stylist laughs long time, the times are more receptive to edgy energy electric, thank God, Challah. Thank you very much.
Dear Laura Cohen,
The Crypto Kid is a running news column that brings the crypto mythology to life for jaded Gen X Parents who don’t want to miss out on the next best thing. With talk of the Fed issuing their own version of bitcoin called Fedcoin, I can’t think of a better time to demystify the world of Crypto through conversations about its new world vernacular with experts and my 3 kids soon after to ensure they don’t remain financially illiterate like their daddy into his mid-forties who has to Google how many zeros are in a trillion for Christ’s sake.
Not every member of the tribe has a head for numbers. So, I see your readers embracing the good-hearted nature behind The Crypto Kid, who will breakdown the Crypto vernacular that’s flush with ultra-colorful terms begging to be extrapolated for some comedy gold such as Depth Chart, Low Ranked Traders, Buy Wall, Oracles and Digital Wallets consisting of digital coins like a Toca Boca game come to life.
The Crypto Kid is an overgrown man child who uses conversations with experts in crypto such as Cathie Wood, Chief Investment Officer at Ark Invest who says, “Bitcoin, is a bigger idea than Apple”, to make the world of crypto investing less sketchy scary fringe than it’s portrayed to be.
I’ve amassed 6000 plus connections on LinkedIn from my time working as an agency IT headhunter in LA and Manhattan, especially within the world of open-sourced based software engineering, fintech and blockchain. So, I’ll have no problem generating meaningful yet fun conversations among all the star actors within the world of crypto who give it a good name. Because we’re all not greedy, soulless, predatory parasites like Bernie Madoff either.
Who can defeat the rise of Anti-Semitism today, among those today who are still educating themselves on Hitler, who claim the Jews control the Federal Reserve and all the banks in the North Pole to? The Crypto Kid will, shooting down negative stereotypes about the new age digital gold rush, which can usher in more means of personal empowerment, financial liberation and social good than bashing David Mamet’s followers on Twitter ever could.
The knock against Crypto is that’s its investors are anonymous, and you can’t dox them or freeze their bank accounts for donating money to an unemployed comedian trying to fundraise his standup comedy tour by selling bumper stickers through his Go Fund Me page such as COVID Damage Done.
So let’s prove how forward thinking the Jewish Forward is by letting The Crypto Kid fire away at all the bitcoin and crypto detracting critics in his opening column, Show Me The Dark Money, which takes on persistent claims of Crypto investing struggling to reach mainstream respectability because it’s still considered too alt-right leaning for their taste, despite Larry David having no problem shilling for those terrorist funding insurrectionists during Super Bowl Weekend.
Last, The Crypto Kid is a member of Generation X who’s endured the era of Aids, COVID, 9/11 and multiple recessions, now going on 3. As a result, The Crypto Kid prefers his comedy like his coffee, dark and bitter. So, who’s better qualified to examine the 2 trillion-dollar crypto market cap today with such skeptical, leering eyes who also recognizes how the technology employed and embraced now on a worldwide basis was invented as a hedge against another one world bank-controlled implosion that happened in 2008? Some experts say Crypto is a safer investment than gold and bonds while others consider it a safe haven against inflation, which peaks semi-sustained stiffage on my behalf. What about you?
Ultimately, The Crypto Kid will make the world of crypto investing appear less fringe scary as it continues to veer closer to the mainstream. Whatever Reese Witherspoon can do to make Americans less gun shy about investing in Crypto, I can do better. Like the late great Joan Rivers used to say, “Can we talk?” I’m looking forward to your reply.
Dear Michael Kornbluth,
Fuck off, no mask MAGA head.
Broke man on campus interview.
Are you in college?
Yeah, how did you know?
The U Penn mask was a dead giveaway.
Plus, I’m conducting interviews outside the Wharton School of Business.
So, you’re a business major, I assume?
No, I major in gender fluid studies at Oberlin college and minor in films done to demonize whitey by Jordan Peele. I loved his last film Get Out Of My Dreams, Katy Perry. You’re not the added color I’m casting for.
So how does an Economics professor at the Wharton Business School define a Recession today?
Hunter giving up blow for blow painting because he can’t afford good blow anymore.
After President Poopy Pants told the Ukranian energy company to cut out giving Sir Snort a Lot 50 grand a week to push borscht as the new Kombucha.
Drug jokes aside, how would you explain a Recession to your nephew today?
Tocca Boca money won’t get you jack shit in Boca.
Fuck the Vanguard Index. The only thing the Vanguard Index mimics these days is Prince Harry’s depression. I shouldn’t make fun of mental health. Harry tried to kill himself. Harry hasn’t shaved in years.
So, fuck the Vanguard Index. In only DeSantis We Trust, Florida gotta to love it.
Invest in bitcoin, which is Tocca money to use in real life.
You can trade bitcoin for cash or gold teeth fillings from R. Kelly on the cheap.
Dark money rules everything around me, dollar, dollar bills, yah.
What, my nephew just had Wu Tang play his Bar Mitzvah party at Griffith Park in Silverlake?
Is Dave Chappelle still defending R. Kelly in his act these days?
Get off your R. Kelly’s dick already Breitbart.
He’s the black Elvis with weaker bladder control.
Or just the ask the Tooth Fairy for a Money Tree, assuming it’s not made in Wuhan, which is sprayed with Spike Proteins used designed to depress your immune system more than entry in the Dalla’s Buyers’ Club.
What, my nephew identifies with Harry Style’s pansexual leanings in the remake of Peter Pan called, Cock Blocking Puberty Blockers. So little boys never develop enough raging testosterone to fight off advances from Michael Jackson impersonators during Drag Queen Reading Hour once Fabiola calls in sick for the Monkey Pox. How would the King of Popping Cherries defend himself today? All the Beatles royalty points in the world, can’t buy me love?
So, buy a Money Tree, not made in Wuhan, which will definitely yield you more luck than the stock market these days. The 3-year return on the S&P is dropping faster than Meghan Mccain’s belly rolls while despanxing.
A recession is like breast reduction surgery.
It only causes more financial strain.
Because you have to buy your own drinks now.
Plus, your personal worth plummets because banking on your personality to net more angel seed money interest in your dog walking business was a losing bet that caused your next great depression.
Oh, yeah that’s it. You want to explain what a Recession is today on Seaseme Street?
Count Dracula can get count 13 reasons why were the Greatest Recession Nation.
Trump didn’t come up with the term Great Recession Nation we did. One.
Were the great recession nation because Jimmy Carter got his Mojo back which makes him feel smoother than sanding alphabet blocks for his grandchildren carved in Farsi.
Were the greatest recession nation because Al Gore is trying to be relevant again. Still, why don’t I sweat global warming? Because Al Gore’s speaking career since 2006 has cooled considerably. Three.
Were the greatest recession nation because it’s the great reset, you dumb, sheepish bitches. Klaus Schwab and his Nazi spawn overlords will ensure America becomes Placenta Smoothie Nation in no time, come hell or high water. Four.
Were the greatest recession nation because big tech doesn’t need multiple Talent Acquistion Managers to order in for Taco Tuesdays anymore. Five.
Were the greatest recession nation because deplorable oil riggers are forced to sell solar panels on commission only, which gives Death of A Salesman new life at the local playhouse in Odessa, Texas, once the Friday night lights experience another rolling blackout from relying on wind farms built on quicksand to power increased electricity demands. Opening the border for the next Santana garage band to emerge isn’t helping resolve their electric power demands either. Six.
Were the greatest recession nation because the Big Guy is getting his cut from the Ukraine while Zelensky poses for Glamour magazine with his wife in his finest olive-green shirt from the Gap in Boca Roton. Seven.
Were the greatest recession nation because Biden made shorting Banana Republic stock great again. You can’t even get a decent pair of docker shorts there anymore because of incessant supply chain issues, yada, yada, yada, Jap Breath. Eight.
Were a great recession nation because it takes 6 months to get a custom-made couch from Mexico delivered to your house to burn when you run out of oil money this winter, so the timing will be perfect really. Nine.
Were a great recession nation because Capitalism regains their leverage over your free time and doesn’t have to tolerate your pansy ass requests for remote work anymore. As if your children possess more magnetic potential than the land of free I-Phones if you manage to cross over our border without forgetting to say, “No, Papers, Senior. Democrats bueno, Republicans, Punta Holes. Joe Rogan meh.” 10.
Trumpy Poo didn’t coin Greatest Recession Nation. 11.
Trumpy Poo didn’t coin Greatest Recession Nation 12.
Trumpy Poo didn’t coin Greatest Recession Nation 13.
Only Republicans have bad creditability problems, comprende?
Greatest Recession Nation, Challah. Thanks for tanking the economy over an itchy esophagus to get Trumpy Poo out office because he would’ve schooled Greta Thunberg on Climate Change in Davos. Fracking actually reduces are carbon footprint Greta. Greta says, “So Neil Young is full of shit now.” Trump replies, “Neil Young doesn’t take showers to reduce his carbon footprint. So that much, you share in common babe.”
Above all else, I miss Trump’s relentless optimism and over the top salesmanship.
If he got Monkey Pox and HIV after the Deep State pricked him in his sleep to ensure he doesn’t run for reelection again. Trump would tweet on Truth Social the next morning, “Do I have HIV, yes? But my t-cell count numbers have never been stronger.”
10 Home Daily saves the day.
Flipper Bird Baby flips off the universe in style.
Big Mouth Moses lives.
Stay At Home Comedian comes out as an A Plus Narcissist. #WarrenZevonLives
A Plus Narcissist Comedian comes alive shredding himself.