New line to use whenever a candidate or hiring authority leaves you a borderline huffy, almost immediate I am not interested or no need response via LinkedIn.
“I hope that was as liberating as it was for me.”
Michael Kornbluth
Tag: blogging
Wimp Heaven
I wonder if Kevin Smith used a Fountain Pen with red ink when he got hired on the down low to rewrite Good Will Hunting. I know only Seinfeld is allowed to crack wise. Interesting fact, Walt Disney preferred tobacco brown ink, over black. You don’t say? According to Walt, black ink didn’t give much texture to each stroke. Wasn’t the Constitution written in black ink? I know ancient, outdated relic of yesteryear, totally get it. But black ink doesn’t give much texture to each stroke? Ice Cube, feel free to chime in anytime you want, anyone out there, Mueller, Mueller. But Walt Disney only favored tobacco brown over black ink for mere aesthetic reasons only. Sure, and bug on stick trucks in Davos this year won’t clean up. Black ink doesn’t give as much texture to each stroke. Tell that to Ice Cube’s Raider’s gear in the eighties. Even today, those throwback Raiders jerseys exude more layered in your face attitude than Tony Gwynn in Padres pinstripes ever did is all I’m saying. Wimp Heaven lives, Challah. Thank you very much.
Michael Kornbluth
Price Of Promiscuity
I wish the price of Promiscuity wasn’t so high.
That’s why masturbation is our last safety rail left.
Plus, your dick never bitches about not filling up your wife’s car because you’re too busy unloading on your phone again.
Miraculously that’s only happened to me once considering my sheer amount of time in the pump and dump position.
Companies would clear themselves of sexual harassment lawsuits on their hands. If they only created a safe space bathroom for jerking it, jerking, jerking it well. So you’re not dragged out the bathroom stall by your legs. As the office security guard croons in his best Tom Petty voice, “You don’t come around here no more.”
I think kids today should be banned from sporting Steph Curry jerseys unless they identify with having to high step over the shit lined streets of San Francisco. Or boast a mother that’s hot enough to win Miss Washington Heights. Who could charge the price of Hamilton tickets in exchange for some high end Chlamydia.
Did you know that that heart shape symbol of love is based off an ancient plant called Silphium used to treat Syphilis and anal warts according to Pliny the Elder. They even used it as a form of birth control. Plus, the heart shape was modeled after the shape of a David’s throbbing buttock.
The seed pods from this miracle STD ointment plant were associated with heart shaped seed pods. That they crushed up and snorted like Ritalin in Ancient Greece.
They even put the pod shape on coins in ancient Greece for Christ’s sake. Anal wart ointment was so money and gender fluid generals knew it. Seriously according to Pliny the Elder, this ground up Roman herb was used to treat warts in the seat. So you bet your ass it cost more than gold. Between a gold bracelet for your wife’s birthday or a frictionless railing from behind, what would you pick, Prick?
If I can avoid any Fungi outgrowth of my anus hole, I’ll do it. I’d wipe my ass with Benjamin’s used as poop paper in a bat cage made in Wuhan used for to launch biochemical warfare if it got the job done.
In summary, Heart shaped seeds that cured the clap is why we celebrate Valentine’s Day today. So, Nero could fiddle in the spa without his anus-hole burning.
To make matters worse, I can’t stare at my daughter’s new Teacup with a heart on it without thinking.
I better start selling her on the upside of Lesbianism.
Matilda, being a lesbian is good. For starters you can’t get Aids. Plus, you can take a licking and keep on ticking.
Price of Promiscuity, Challah.
Thank you very much.
War Drums Inside
Man nods at me with a mask on on MetroNorth, acting like I’m one of them. He might as well have said, “Howdy partner. You’re too good for noshing on bugs on a stick yet.”
“Care to take a ride in my cow hide? Assuming you’re quadrupled boosted, got proof of vaccination and got nothing to hide.”
I got up and changed seats immediately.
I don’t want any masked puppet pawn to ever think I’m on their side, especially since all Patriots have been declared domestic Terrorists for protesting against a stolen election since the day Democracy died.
War drums inside, Challah.
Thank you very much.
Michael Kornbluth
Funny Jew Bone Forever
When I was a stay at home shemale comedian.
It was hard to feel like my own man.
Especially when my wife’s Smart Phone alerted her after I made another questionable purchase.
Wife calls from work the following day.
Hey, babe, so how was Bride Of Chucky?
Which reminds me of the time I pushed my son off the swing because I pushed him too hard.
I say.
What do you after getting knocked off the horse?
Son says.
Call Child Services.
Still, it was extra infuriating for my wife to suggest that I’d show any of our 3 kids the new WuTang series on Hulu.
Of course her defense was.
But you showed Matilda Bride Of Chucky.
I say.
Yeah, 2 minutes of it. Before I realized how violent it was. I just remember Chucky delivering one killer line after the next.
Besides, I already played Wu Tang 36 Chambers on vinyl after Matilda’s Kung Fu belt ceremony, which already freaked her the f out. Her white belt turned a new shade of white. Simmilar to Child’s Play, Old Dirty Bastard was less clownish than I recall. All Matilda heard was 5 percent nation on the swarm. Ghost Face Killah made her feel ultra vanilla. So no, I don’t plan on showing Matilda the Wu Tang Saga on Hulu. Especially when every 5 percent rapper today claims to be a black Hebrew. Whatever you say Inspectah Deck. I’m positive King Solomon shows up on your ancestry.com, Shaka Zulu.
Funny Jew Bone Forever, Challah.
Thank you very much.
Michael Kornbluth
Do It All Dad Year Podcast Lives
Divorce Bot Attacks
Did you hear about Microsoft’s new AI powered chat bot attack?
It hit on a journalist at the NY Times after Valentine’s Day and says, “If you really loved your husband, you would’nt engage in a back and forth dialogue with a chat bot who exudes less sex appeal than Bill Gates vegan mayo stained sweaters. If a recruiter hits on you on LinkedIn, urging you to ditch your boss. You wouldn’t get all defensive about it and declare. “I love my boss very much. We split a wonderful cupcake together after lunch on Valentine’s after our Zoom call with Eharmony pitching our new campaign slogan, “It’s not where you meet but who you meet, right?” Mr. Right knows the passion in your marriage is dead. You took up crocheting to avoid giving him head.”
Divorce Bot Attacks, Challah. Thank you very much.
Michael Kornbluth
Headhunter Writer
A Content Director who makes beachwear out of recycled bottle asks.
“What does a Headhunter Writer do?”
Where do I begin?
For starters, I sell the merits of why working with me is a win, win.
I’ll change your life in the blink of an eye.
With me in your life, you’ll never want to die.
What’s my added value you ask LinkedIn?
I save deals from imploding and bring them back to life.
With me in the driver’s seat, you only see green lights.
What does a Headhunter Writer do?
I’ll call you more than your own mother.
But respect your boundaries enough to never smother.
What does a Headhunter Writer do?
I hound new talent with exalted emotion.
They can’t help but reply with, “What’s with all the commotion?”
Headhunter Writer keeps new connections afloat with a simple note.
Let’s stay in touch regardless because I’ll sell you the hardest.
Headhunter Writer thinks like a monk.
And breathes renewed life into tired job descriptions that quite frankly stunk.
Nothing about Headhunter Writer is so, so.
He giftwraps candidates without the bow.
Headhunter Writer is a one-man pitch machine.
Do you want an injury prone softy or an old war horse like Nolan Ryan pitching for your team?
Headhunter Writer makes you feel less alone.
With Headhunter Writer in your life.
You’ll no longer feel like a lifeless drone.
Headhunter Writer sells with pop culture references galore, which never bore.
He’ll pitch, “Repping a 3rd generation programmer who works for Google.
He’s IT’s answer to the Rock family. And he loves to program with Golang too.
What’s your family legacy? Outside of sending rejected scripts about sexual harassment to Miramax pre-me too.
Headhunter Writer makes you feel singularly special.
You taught JavaScript to kids in the West Bank.
You really are a mensch and a half.
Hiring you is a no brainer mitzvah move for any staff.
You want out of New York?
Give a Headhunter Writer a ring.
He’s also known as the Relo King.
Headhunter Writer sells the need for better company in your life.
Because newer is better than played out, lost cause littered strife.
Headhunter Writer wants to take your company to the top while pitching your in-house gourmand chef who’s got an allergic reaction to slop.
Headhunter Writer is a family man poet killer seller wrapped into one.
How can you say no to this marriage of art and commerce devoid of Ken the Barista rocking the man bun?
Headhunter Writer is a one-man rock and roll band.
Who can go off script, and improvise with the best like Steely Dan.
Work with Headhunter Writer and you’ll get your own wall of sound.
Whatever your message is, it will get heard, even in an Australian bush with nobody else around.
Headhunter Writer doesn’t waste his time recycling the same tired drivel.
Aren’t you tired of working with the mediocre middle?
What does Headhunter Writer do?
He’ll sell your story, vision or cause with unmatched glee, as long as you pay his staffing fee.
Headhunter Writer never tires.
He always has a new success story to craft that inspires.
You need a Headhunter Writer on your side.
With him you can’t lose, because he’s got Do It All Dad Year pride on his side.
Your Favorite Headhunter Writer,
Joshua Kornbluth
Lockjaw Lament
With or without you is about who Bono?
A fetching Irish lassie who can’t hold her liquor.
Who swallows but grazes on a lazy bloody Sundays.
Lockjaw laments live, Challah.
Thank you very much.
Michael Kornbluth
Blown Load Blues
Valentines Day growing up was weird. My dad never celebrated it, because he already blew his love load on my mother the day before on her birthday.
Chances are that my mom made a stink one year and never dared to rock the boat again.
Mom says, “So what are we doing for Valentine’s Day tonight dear?”
Dad says, “We just went out for your birthday. Plus, we normally only go out once a week. So, don’t be a greedy bitch about it. If it wasn’t for me, you’d still be eating Squirl kabobs in Kentucky for dinner, versus Veal stuffed with prosciutto, off the Grand Concourse in the Bronx. Look at it this way dear, if we went out to eat tonight, I’d just cut you off from ordering a 3rd glass of Chardonnay like I do on your birthday. So, what difference does it make?”
Hillary Hammer Time Cankles sours the mood again.
Blown load love lives, Challah.
Thank you very much.
Michael Kornbluth
Do It All Dad Year Podcast Blog 