Too Funny To Fail

I don’t like Kyle Rittenhouse anymore. Now, he’s down with Thug Lives Matters Most? Defending Dad’s store from getting looted and burned to the ground with an AR-15 in hand shoots that fake news placation to smithereens. Does he support resisting arrest? Does he support 2 billion worth of property damage during the past summer of love? Does he support Cops letting ANTIFA and BLM led riot mobs wreck any facade left behind cops existing to protect and serve anything but their precious pensions anymore? Does Kyle support the good cops who contributed to his bail fund? Who can’t find work unless they service truck drivers cruising down to Florida, with the hope of scoring a security guard job at Costco during the peak holiday season? Kyle Rittenhouse doesn’t like to be associated with lawyer Lin Wood, so he’ll receive less hate speech spewing’s about him on the View? Lin Wood only scored Nick Sandman a huge defamation lawsuit payday from CNN for trying to paint him as the second coming of Dances with David Duke. I don’t think Kyle Rittenhouse should’ve been on trial for acting in self-defense. Still, I wouldn’t exude a smug smile because the Matt Gaetz offered you an internship on Captial Hill since the day Democracy died without a whimper from the Republican righting side.

I wish Adam Sandler was more divisive. His Hanukkah song needs to be updated to make it less of a safe space for gentiles. The Golden Jew needs to downplay his cozy relationship with Obama running Netflix and replace the verse, “OJ, definitely not a Jew, with Linda Sarsour, definitely not a fan. And if that funny man assertion makes me alt-right, then I’m alright with it.”

If Adam Sandler went after Obama’s basketball game alone on his next Netflix song and joke special, I’d get my wife pregnant by accident again and name the kid Adam Sandler Kornbluth instead of Zevon Zappa Kornbluth. All Sandler has to say in a made-up conversation with Chris Rock on stage is, “Hey Chris, if Obama is such a baller, then why did he ride the bench at an all-Asian private school in Hawaii? And if Obama isn’t a radical jihadist enabler of the most despicable order, then why did he nuke gift Iran 1.5 billion dollars in the still of the night in unmarked bills as he slithered out the White House door on to George Clooney’s Banana Boat Team in St. Barts, only feel to like second Banana after Jay Z arrived? That’s right, Obama Be Good, gave all that untraceable terror money to create overseas manufacturing jobs for Build a Bear, to make the Iranian economy less reliant on the sale of hair removal cream for the Kardashians.”

Bruce Jenner wasn’t asexual when he was married to Kris Jenner. Although, I’m positive Bruce stayed harder longer after he pushed Krish to cut her short to look more like a dolled-up Ralph Macchio.

History of loser lamentation. Alien spawned, Christan baby cannibal loving Jews stabbed Weimar Republic loyalists in the back with their diamond encrusted pitchforks by using Uri Geller forms of fork bending mind control on the newly in charge democratic government to sign a peace treaty against their best interests despite losers in war having no fucking leverage to dictate more favorable terms otherwise, Kraut breaths. In the end, Germany lost some farmland that a location scout for Inglorious Bastards couldn’t even find using Waze anyway. 2 million Germans die after they decide to team up with Austria and Belgium against the big 3 England, Russia and Italy yet they expected to be a fair match against mafia bred Italian muscle, descendants of Drago and Brits who had nothing to lose in war except waking up to the dreaded prospect of cursing their wench wives for birthing such pasty, mole maligned kids after the United States of America came in as the ultimate Road Warrior tag team from the more hardcore southern WCW circuit to apply the final power slam on fake news assertions behind a superior superpower worth envying of any kind. But the Germans are proud people. The Germans are moronic people after they exterminated all the smarter Jews. What has Germany contributed the world since World War 2? Besides, 5-week rave paid maternity leave? But banking is a religion in Germany? Banking is a religion in Switzerland to. That doesn’t make the national embrace of gold tooth hording Gnomes for all their worth any less deflective creepy. Gnomes look like Santa’s dumpy, druggy trust fund babies who managed to survive after they eventually got cut off because they’re old enough now to collect Social Security. Hitler got his panties in a bunch because Germany had to pay war reparations which were beyond payable. And they call the chosen people monopolistic, greedy loot sack hoarder whores. Also, when you perpetuate a war resulting in 10 million lives lost that you ultimately lost, don’t expect free Starbucks gift cards for life. But the Germans are prideful people. Why? Any kid from El Salvador can shine my Ecco shoes with far greater polished precision. Plus, aren’t all German men uncircumcised? What’s respectable about an ant eater schlong? I don’t care how big your petrified pig in a blanket is. Last, none of World War 1 was fought on German land. So, the least mother Germany could do was pay some dead dad littering fines in Italy who gave the world opera, Leonardo Da Vinci and Sophia Loren’s luscious lobes of perfection, which I’ll take over the nerve pinching edgy film score to Run Lola Run any day of the week. Losers walk with a hunch of shame for a reason you bratwurst bitches. 400 thousand Americans died during World War 2 by the way. So, when you willingly watch the NFL today, understand you’re supporting players who take the knee who are cool with kicking Nazi destroyers in the nuts, again and again.

Succession on HBO jumped the shark after Murdoch’s daughter used the expression burning Koran’s. Like any sane person would burn the Pedophile Guide for Dummies since cartoons of Muhammad were deemed permanent no go-zones since French cartoonist Charlie Hebdo got canceled from breathing prematurely.

Wikipedia is so Fascist favoring. Root cause for the Spanish Inquisition, stupid stubborn Jews. Cause of the Holocaust, pinko, leftist Jews who dared to charge Germany interest 10 million lives lost later because they failed to prove why Aryan’s are superior organizer planners of risky world war. French Revolution, overblown reaction to high taxes and the inflated cost of cheese since the horn dog King starting hogging up all the Brie for in Northeast France for lube in marathon long gang bang sessions in Versailles because Nostradamus predicted the rise of sodomy in powdered wigs during France’s post Trans topping period. Nostradamus predicted that one day Versailles would become the perfect romantic getaway from the plague and anal stimulation starvation.

You know you’re not 100 percent gay when you get increasingly aroused from a teenage girl double fist a gentle caressed veggie burrito into her mouth without chomping down on it with fangy fearsomeness in the process. Plus, you’re not feeling 100 percent gay, when the girl at the Kosher butcher greets you with your full name after you gave her your business card prior, only to pronounce at the Kosher Buther in front of her, loud and proud, “I love how I’m up in your cranium already.” Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Pacifist The Kid

The new state motto for New York should be, The Nanny Nappy State.

According to Chris Rock, the worst thing about COVID is not being recognized in a mask. But how difficult is it to remain inconspicuous when you’re the only black person living in Montclair, New Jersey besides Mary J. Blige, according to Chris?

I don’t want my son to be friends with anybody whose mom calls her a child a self-professed pacifist. Like his mom gave him much of a fighting chance. After an entire playdate, I couldn’t tell if this long haired greaser hipster kid was an androgynous bar wench from Game of Thrones or a testosterone intolerant she-he transplant from Brooklyn like the rest. The kid look looked so strung out skinny, you’d think the mom’s umbilical chord’s only source of nutrition was time release Adderall.

How can ANTIFA be for vaccine mandates? A) ANTIFA strike me as it’s better to burn out than fade away Type A, arsonists types. B) If Antifa is anti-fascist, then why would they fight against anti-vaccine mandates protestors in Boston from Southie? Who weren’t fortunate enough to be Marky Mark’s weed dealer like Turtle from Entourage, before Dirk Diggler branched into rapping and modeling in Calvin Klein briefs on money shot billboards plastered throughout Times Square? C)ANTIFA against vaccine mandate protestors sounds like they’re pro oppression, pro suppression and pro enabling depression, for all the moms and dad’s forced out of work this Christmas, because the CDC recommends, means less to them than In Dr. Gnocchi We Trust. D) If ANTIFA wasn’t in favor of suppression, they’d protest for the opening of safe spaces for jerking it at work in a post #Meto world, to prematurely cleanse it’s woke handlers of any unwanted boner attention lawsuits on their hands.

Michael Kornbluth

Indefensible Idiots

It’s hard to get kinky with your wife when you’re a Stay At Home Dad, because you’re already choking her too hard financially.

Wife says, “Don’t expect me to suck you off. I say, “Pretend Obama ordered you to leak it.”

Why do I need a smartphone? So I can receive more misspelled texts from my retired mother who has all day to correct them.

I want to flip off my smartphone for a flip phone because I’m tired of getting cagy defensive whenever my daughter asks, “Daddy, what do you do after tucking me in at night?” I say, “I squeeze in some daddy time alright.”

Wife just told me I got her a vibrator for her birthday. I said, “Buzz off, and let me finish already.”

What does Chris Rock have to say to Kyrie Irving that’s so edgy deep poignant again? Sell your soul to the CDC and be a big pharma puppet player like me? Or else no clam bake parties in Martha’s Vineyard with Obama Be Good catered by Snoop and Martha Stewart. Those brownies were major creepers boy. I didn’t know if I was flying or dying.

Why should Scottie Pippen be embarrassed to call out MJ for being a condescending prick during the Last Dance doc Stephen A? You know MJ hogs up all the credit for boxing out Laura Pippen from giving him herpes 1st because she already called 1st dibs on Charles Oakley in the VIP Room at Walter Payton’s.

Capitol Rioters, it was a self-guided selfie tour of the Capital Building.

Bill Gates bought 124 acres of land in North Salem after uprooting the local population one vax shot at a time.

They’re pushing the vax on kids now because Bill Gates doesn’t have enough money. Might as well go for the jugular kill shot. Who would want to have kids anymore anyway where every day is Sharia Law is here to stay day?

Pfizer pushing the clot shot on kids by promising superpowers to come with it isn’t too sci-fi demented scary. What’s next, a sci remake of Fahrenheit 451 except the police firemen are on a mission from God to burn every last copy of of Hydroxychloroquine for Dummies that gives Dan Aykroyd the willies? Take the clot shot Joey and you’ll feel empowered enough to press pause on 13 Reasons Why and cyberbully Kyrie Irving on Twitter for being a Mongoloid Moron for not trusting the media and our government like any boy should. Hey, Joey, have you ever seen a grown man naked? Who hasn’t pooped his pants, 1st? So Biden’s pool parties at his beach house in Rehoboth Beach don’t count as Mr. Groper yells to his female Secret Service Agent, “Told you I was bigger than Boogie Boarder Obama? ”

Dropped by the local library with my kids for old times sake. They offer us masks. I say, “Isn’t burying your head in children books about Fuck Face Fauci sufficient? Socially distancing yourself from the Dooie Decimal System, I get this late in your library management career. Also, don’t you think Drag Queen Reading is scary? Fluorescent library lights don’t look flattering on anybody, especially on a poor man’s Marilyn Manson impersonator..

Pfizer claims their COVID pill reduces chances of hospitalization and death by 80 percent. Yeah, and Jackie Robison sweated the prospect of breaking Ty Cobb’s single season record for stolen bases by the All Star break. Go Jackie go, Jackie be good. Jackie Brown not so much. That movie has aged worse than Dinero on the View these days, who looks like Betsy Ross falling apart at the seams, Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Ballsy Better Hits

Bourdain and Joan Rivers walk into Heaven. Bourdain says, “How about a titty blast Joan?” Joan says, “I thought you’d never ask. Shit God, can you zap Bourdain’s foreskin off in a flash.”

Fuck Michael Jordan for calling Pippen selfish for daring to postpone knee surgery during the Last Dance. I’d make every day standing down day to, if I was being paid less than BJ Armstrong’s nanny.

If a boy is born 100 percent gay, does he suck down booby milk regardless, because he doesn’t know what his preferred oral fixation is yet?

Explaining Internet porn to my kids eventually. It wasn’t enough for Louie, it’s our last safety rail left. It’s what daddy does to squeeze in some me time alright.  

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre 3 kids. It was the best of times whenever the condom broke from overexertion, as I yelled, “Woo, sex is fun again.”

I’m sacred of getting a vasectomy because I don’t want my ball sack to feel like Edward Scissor’s Hands face.

What Gen X parents understand. Snoop’s Dog’s wine tastes like mouthwash used in porn hood hell.



My son finds the Kama Sutra book in my office. And my son says, “My penis popped out opening it.” Daughter starts singing, “Irresponsible Daddy.” I say, “Matilda, ignore this book because it’s a recipe for Aids.” Daughters says, What’s Aid’s Daddy? I say, “A reason to become a Lesbian. You can take a licking and keep on ticking.”

Daughter gets the book Rebel Girls from Grandma for Hanukkah. Grandma asks, “Do you know who Hillary is?” Daughter says, ” 2-time loser alcoholic, Russian dossier financier, best-selling voodoo doll in Hatti year after year?”

My son is the best slacker alert of all time. Son asks, “Daddy, did you go on the Peloton today? I said, “I got COVID, and food poisoning form the Halal Guys. Son says, “Enough with the excuses daddy, “You’re worse than Hillary.”

Random parents always ask, “Why is your son, so happy, “I say, Funnier dad, happier, baby.” You want to compare kid photos buzzkill boomer? My son has more muscle memory to flex from than a young Leo on the set of Growing Pains with Alan Thicke.”

Why do kids love back? Because you make them feel like the center of your universe, instead of the reverse. Kids love back because when you say I love you, it doesn’t sound manufactured hoarse, like you’re forcing the issue to avoid divorce.

A son’s love is a second chance at respectable redemption, because abstaining from bourbon at home does wonders for your complexion.



This is my younger brother getting defensive on the behalf our father because he’s the favorite despite making Hunter Biden come off as a serial slacker underachiever. Brother says, “Dad isn’t a narcissist.” I say, “You post driving selfies on Facebook. Your past the point of objective return bro.”

My 3rd kid is Chosen Curls Was Bound to Woo because chesty Italian MILFS hit on him constantly. One said, “When you get older, you’re going to have 3 girlfriends to juggle. I said, “If James Woods had this kid’s face, your estimates wouldn’t be so conservative.”



This is my daughter playing marriage counselor again. “Pause Daddy, mama, got your point mid breath.”



Fact, kids don’t need to be dressed up in masks like Michael Jackson’s kids on holiday in Bahrain. Plus, we shouldn’t gut any more cities, and ruin more professional lives over stupid vaccine mandates over catching an itchy esophagus. COVID has 99 percent survival rate. So, stop treating COVID as if it’s death sentence like backend entry into the Dallas Buyer’s Club.

But masks are the new condoms, not. Only because I can’t cum in my wife wearing one either.

Anyone see the new Woody Allen doc on HBO, Crimes and Misdemeanors the Early Years? Woody actually kept naked pics of a 9-year-old Soon Yi in his top sock drawer. The only naked pic missing was Soon Yi crying on the cover of Time Life Magazine.

I’m so sick of seeing Cuomo’s ugly mug in the paper. He still looks like the Thing and Mama Fratelli from the Goonies had a baby. And Cuomo getting paid to write a book leadership is like Hitler getting paid to write a book on anger management or Woody Allen getting paid to write a book on hands off parenting or R Kelly getting paid to babysit the latest Kardashian out the womb.

The Italian Reptilian inside Cuomo, getting paid to write a book about leadership makes less sense than Kevin Durant getting picked to do a Ted Talk on how to block out the sound of cyberbullying.  

What does makes sense is making Carmelo Anthony the next spokesperson for Tampax Tampons already. Name another NBA player, responsible for stopping so much flowage.

Growing up, I wish LaVar Ball was my substitute coach dad because he wouldn’t have allowed my younger brother to lose his virginity before I did. LaVar Ball would’ve held house parties in my honor and only invite Stuck-Up Jenny from the block. 5 minutes in the party, LaVar Ball yells into Stuck Up Jenny’s ear, “The Yooho bottle doesn’t spin itself bitch.”

I stopped smoking weed because I felt like a moron answering my daughter’s question on it after I thought she was already asleep. Daughter asks, “Daddy, if God created the universe, then who created the universe?” I eventually come up with, “God went back in time, in a Time Machine made by Elon Musk. Daughter says, “That’s really convincing Daddy. Thanks for making me an atheist at 4.”

This is an impersonation of merger talk between Dr. Dre and Eminem. “Hey Slim Microsoft paid 3.6 billion for LinkedIn. Worrrrd, LinkedIn is lamer than ever yoh”

This is Russell Simmons denying rape allegations with Gayle King. “Read my lisp.” I didn’t rape any of those vengeful over the hill hos.”

This is Jeff Ross roasting Jay Z in the VIP room for Super Bowl Sunday. “Child Separation is overrated Jigga. Look how you turned out. Plus, if Coco never got separated from his family, he never would’ve become a mini–Los Lobos in the making.”

The Woman’s March on Washington was gross. All I saw was a whole lot of Rosie’s sporting a whole lot of chins. My mom asked if my daughter watched it. I said, “No mom, Matilda’s finally learning how to read. So, the last thing I need in my life is my daughter trying to make out one of those protest signs on TV and ask, “Daddy, what’ a pa, pa, Pussy Power? Is that a new show on Amazon Prime?”

At the grocery store, I comment to the lady behind me, “I wrote the book the Koshertarian Comedians. So, I can’t make it, but do you ever make shrimp wrapped in bacon? Or is your attitude, “I’ll dine at Morton’s for a post Burning Mask Party, maybe.” Italian NY mom laughs long time. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth



Alexa,Why Is

Alexa, why is Jordan Peterson considered an authority on personality when he doesn’t have one? Alexa says, “Jordan Peterson is considered an excellent speaker because of his encyclopedic knowledge of mythology and literature.”

I reply, “So I should buy into the myth that Jordan Peterson is a personable speaker for referencing other’s people’s ideas without referencing their best quotes on Good Reads first?”

Look, I read his 12 Rules To Life and liked it plenty. But I’m not going out of my to praise the speaking prowess of a man who goes out of his way to show what an objective thinker he is, by calling Hitler the anthesis of a fake news genius on the Joe Rogan show, and not just a fast talking Kraut hyped on Crystal Meth who teamed up with the Muslim Brotherhood in Palestine to exploit the Jews are the root of evil motif for al it was worth, because they’re only white collar profession allowed post World 1, involved the charging of interest, which is outlawed by the Koran, conveniently enough, Google it. Personally, I would’ve been screwed either way back then, because I had to Google how many zeros are in a trillion after my daughter asked me once. Later she says, “Daddy, are you financially illiterate? Is this why you call yourself a degenerate Jew because you have to count with your fingers for simple arithmetic?

Michael Kornbluth

Michael Kornbluth

Favoring Mars Attacks

Daughter get’s a tad freaked after watching Aliens blast congress to skulls and bones in the movie Mars Attacks. Later, I calm down my daughter and say, “Matilda, Sci-Fi means it takes place in the future. We can only be so lucky. I’d want Rand Paul to get out alive though. So he could conduct an experiment on Dr. Gnocchi, by forcing him to dress in a Fred Perry polo at gunpoint by an Alien Aids blaster to see if he’d morph into a Proud Boy and tell ANTIFA to go pound sand for once in his weasel laden, extremist wicked life.”

All of a sudden, Fuck Face Fauci morphs into a sexist pig after being forced to wear a Fred Perry Polo shirt at gunpoint by an Alien Aids blaster immune to Magic Johnson’s HIV inhibitor secret stash. Fuck Fauci tells AOC on CNN, “To get knocked up and shut the fuck up about being a non-essential Betty Draper cranked up on Joe Biden’s high grade Adderall already. That get’s Hunter in the zone whenever he does more blow painting, between snorting more lines of Ritalin at the local Chateau Marmont under new alias Brandon Lee Biden, since he got kicked out for baking crack cocaine in their bungalows, getting tweaked on more crank, only hearing last call from the bathroom stall. Can I get a holla, for some high octane blasting , Challah? Tim Burton lives. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth