Filling Out My Own Father’s Day Card

Daddy, what’s an anti-oxidant?

Bitter foods supposed to play a prevent defense on disease attacks explaining why Kale pesto has become a thing now.

Bitter bile from the NY Times only accelerates Trump Derangement Syndrome.

Brainstorming color schemes with my wife for our home entrance way.

What about rose red?

Wife says. It feels juvenile to me.

I reply. What does losing your virginity to Crash Into Me by Dave Matthews have to do with it?

Speech opener for my brother’s August wedding. God has given my brother more second shots than George Steinbrenner offered Steve Howe.

My Dad Wrote A Porno has gotten 150 million downloads.

But it’s a porno that takes place in England, gross.

Unless JK Rowling is getting titty blasted by Guy Ritchie, I’m not interested, in her snatch shots that is.

Hope Hicks is so hot, John Cryer wouldn’t cry if he walked into her dressing room at CBS by mistake, with Chuck Lorre wearing his finest platform shoes from the 70’s show for her dream cameo in the Big Bang Theory as a MAGA Bot sex doll come to life.

Jonah Goldberg so wants insult king praise from Scott Adams. Not that I give a shit about Scott Adam’s zero laugh out loud generating prose or ugly cartoons. But to insinuate Trump is anything less than a master insult slayer is jealous dumb.

EXT. Lakeside Field Club
Mom
Field Club equals gentiles.
Do It All Dad
Your Jewish friends are so wonderful?
Besides Nancy, because she’s more into inspirational leaders like Trump than empty, sociopaths pantsuits like Hillary.

EXT. Lakeside Field Club
Mom
Field Club equals gentiles.
Do It All Dad
Your Jewish friends are so wonderful?
They still subscribe to the NY Times.
Also, you didn’t call me on my birthday from Israel. So, stop acting so high and mighty.

EXT. Lakeside Field Club
Mom
Field Club equals gentiles.
Do It All Dad
Your Jewish friends are so wonderful?
All you do is bitch how Joan thinks buying second hand cloths is beneath her, which you find galling because she’s from the Bronx. Would you say the same thing about Ellen Barkin?Obviously banging Ron Perlman for the money wasn’t beneath her.

INT. HOME
Wife
You filled out the Father’s Day card I never had to time to fill out for you. As long as your pleased with yourself.
Do It All Dad
What a kind of do it all dad would I be if I didn’t fill out a Father’s Day card in my honor? Plus, you’re always telling me how I’m the writer in the relationship, not you.

Michael Kornbluth

Boyish Boring

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Colby chants her name in class, when she hits homers in wiffle ball and he’s the best athlete in class. You better recognize.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
25 years of blow and booze and now you blame your stomach issues on being lactose intolerant? You’re a performance coach because?

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Matilda doesn’t prance down the court on her tippy toes. Looking like she’s sporting high heels instead of high tops like I did.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
I had her clearing 5 stairwell stairs at 4. Now, she’s breaking school high jump records in the 3rd grade, jerkoff.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Again, she already broke the school high jump record in the 2nd grade. You blow through eight balls in record time.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
She just finds most traditional team sports boyish boring. You know like Mom with the Knicks.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Matilda already has her own home run dance. She signs her autograph with the tip of her Wiffle Bat every time she goes yard.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Matilda already as one more belt in Kung Fu than our entire immediate family combined.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Matilda can already do a perfect cart wheel, which is more than I can say for mama’s off balance, half formed monstrosity.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
She’s not clamoring to play softball yet because she prefers to play wiffle ball with me instead, her exact words actually.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Matilda kisses her guns as she makes the monkey bars her bitch again and again. You’re such a waste of breath.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Dad sent you to an all Catholic boarding school full of Division One hockey players who threw pennies at you during Mass. But I’m the clueless dad coach over here.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Have you molded a girl who teachers want to clone to ensure their lives are fuss free forevermore?

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
She can throw a perfect spiral and your life is constantly spiraling out of control. Given up gambling again Ace?

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
You get all your opinions on life from analogies on sports radio. Collin Herd is an overrated, boring twerp. Stephen A, he isn’t.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Joan Rivers didn’t play ball either. But I’m sure Hugh Jackman will perform at your funeral sendoff.

Michael Kornbluth

Southern Accents Dreaming

INT. POST OFFICE
Mail Man
Why do you think Sarah Sanders left?
Do It All Dad
I think she just needed to unplug from Twitter, deweed her garden and troll Michelle’s Wolf with Dirty Sanchez emoji’s on Cinco De Mayo for shits and giggles.

INT. POST OFFICE
Mail Man
Why do you think Sanders left?
Do It All Dad
She knew Ivanka would fight for paid maternity leave on her behalf.

INT. POST OFFICE
Mail Man
Why do you think Sanders left?
Do It All Dad
To give her husband a big time mooch for holding down the chicken coup without her.

INT. POST OFFICE
Mail Man
Why do you think Sanders left?
Do It All Dad
Better grit selection down south despite the gentrification of brunch spots in our nation’s capital.

INT. POST OFFICE
Mail Man
Why do you think Sanders left?
Do It All Dad
She wanted to give her own children the baroness treatment.

INT. POST OFFICE
Mail Man
Why do you think Sanders left?
Do It All Dad
Laura Ingraham’s claiming Dennis Hopper’s performance was overrated in Hoosiers, insisting he stick to dropping acid, rubbed her the wrong way.

INT. POST OFFICE
Mail Man
Why do you think Sanders left?
Do It All Dad
She got tired of taking off her heels every time Don Junior entered the room.

INT. POST OFFICE
Mail Man
Why do you think Sanders left?
Do It All Dad
She wasn’t thrilled with her kids getting into soap operas on Telemundo with the help behind her back.

INT. POST OFFICE
Mail Man
Why do you think Sanders left?
Do It All Dad
Three kids at once are harder to please than two woman in a three way, when you suck at multi-tasking.

INT. POST OFFICE
Mail Man
Why do you think Sanders left?
Do It All Dad
Shelter from hate stares at Soul Cycle on K Street.

INT. POST OFFICE
Mail Man
Why do you think Sanders left?
Do It All Dad
Kellyanne Conway is worse off.
I don’t see her rushing home to get smooshed by George in the sack.

INT. POST OFFICE
Mail Man
Why do you think Sanders left?
Do It All Dad
Tip off Ice Agents to Michelle’s Wolf’s house in the Hollywood Hills, next time she’s in the mood for a Dirty Sanchez.

INT. POST OFFICE
Mail Man
Why do you think Sanders left?
Do It All Dad
Can you blame her for wanting to take the summer off in Arkansas with her kids? Only fried shrimps summer in the Hamptons. I’d be southern accents dreaming to.

Michael Kornbluth

Who Still Likes Hillary?

Who still likes Hillary? She either steals fine china or breaks it without ever footing the bill. Too bad you can’t blame lying, crooked, homemaker shamer behavior on anti-Islam videos.

My brother refusing to condemn Kobe.
His movie made me see a different side.
He called himself the Mamba to embrace his bad boy attack instinct.
Raping the girl was a power move like Harvey Hair Clumps Weinstein at Sundance.

INT. Grocery Store
Worker
Love the flag trunks.
Do It All Dad
I thought they’d give my resistor mother coughing fits of despair like Hillary on election night.

INT. GROCERY STORE
Worker
Would your son like some stickers?
Do It All Dad
That’s like Lebron not liking selfies.

Worker laughs long time.

INT. HOUSE
Do It All Dad
Ugh, you’re calling your father to wish him a happy Father’s Day.

You really think a bare minimum display of affection on your part, one hour before he falls asleep on the Lazy Boy will send his endorphins higher?

Wife says. My mom got you a mask for Father’s Day.

I learn later my mother-in-law didn’t buy me a mud mask treatment from Spa Hunters.com but made a mass prayer on my behalf.

Chances are, she didn’t ask Jesus to forgive her for force feeding communion on my children.

What good impression did my mom think she was making when announcing on repeated occasions how this was the 1st time seeing her granddaughter’s school in three year in rapid succession?

What happened? My son came out as a Trumpian.

Ben Shapiro destroys what? My tolerance for Republican talking heads who try so hard to give the impression they were smarter, funnier and popular than Trump was in Military Academy. His grating voice is like an RA Chelsea.

INT. HOME
Do It All Dad
I’m up to more than 3500 downloads on the podcast.
Brother
Really?
Do It All Dad
I’m just making numbers up to impress my non-demographic. But I’m glad you think all Trump supporters aren’t any less mentally strained than you are.

INT. CAR
Brother
No white people live here.
Do It All Dad
Would an MS-13 member as my neighbor put you more at ease bro? But where you live in Scarsdale Village sparkles with diverse jewels of divinity, jerkoff.

INT. HOME
Do It All Dad
I’m getting a pedicure for Father’s Day.
Mom
Can you convince Dad to get one?
Do It All Dad
The man insists on grilling anemic, burnt Kosher steaks to prove his manhood when my wife makes Snapper Francese.

INT. HOME
Do It All Dad
My mom got me a book 1001 songs to hear before you die for #FathersDay.
Wife
It means you’re dead to her since you came out as pro Trumpian.
Do It All Dad
I got that message when she told me to become a garbageman. Shoot for shit is her motto in my honor.

I tell my kids a story about Neil Young hitting a school bully to the ground with a dictionary.

Mom says. I think it’s better to fight back with words.

I say.

But threatening to draft articles of impeachment still gives off the impression Odoyle rules.

What positive response did my mother expect to engender from my daughter’s 2nd grade teachers, after admitting this is the 1st time she’s seen her school ever?

Teacher replies.

Thank God for Facebook. Your after school activity is more CNN then.

I tell my kids a story about Neil Young hitting a school bully to the ground with a dictionary.

Mom says. I think it’s better to fight back with words.

I say.

But threatening to impeach Odoyle from the school cafeteria doesn’t get the job done ma.

I tell my kids a story about Neil Young hitting a school bully to to the ground with a dictionary.

Mom says. I think it’s better to fight back with words.

I say.

But threatening to impeach Odoyle from the school cafeteria doesn’t pack the same whallop mom.

INT. HOUSE
Do It All Dad
Ugh, you’re calling your father to wish him a happy Father’s Day.
He made you wrap your own Bjork box set for Christmas.

How much of a loving humanitarian can he be?

Providing no Christmas surprise magic whatsoever.

I push for my mom to get a tour of my daughter’s elementary school.

She says. This is my 1st time seeing her school in 3 years.

Why would you admit that?

Even Hillary made it out to Michigan to dine in Mario Batali’s lakeside retreat once.

INT. HOUSE
Do It All Dad
Ugh, you’re calling your father to wish him a happy Father’s Day. How is that possible living with your mother? Did you ship your dad a duller set of steak knives for Father’s Day, in case your mom starting throwing them at him again?

I push for my mom to get a tour of my daughter’s elementary school. She says to multiple teachers. This is my 1st time seeing her school in 3 years.

I’m thinking. Sound more nonchalant about it mom.

You’re worse than Hillary.

INT. HOME
Do It All Dad
I’m up to more than 3500 downloads on the podcast.
Brother
Really?
Do It All Dad
Do you want to see a screenshot of my stats like a pic of ANTIFA vandalizing a Military Recruitment Office on Google images?

My brother being my brother.

Why did mom only plan a visit back to east to spend time with your kids?

Because the world doesn’t revolve around your no talent, dumb mook mopings.

EXT. SUSHI RESTAURANT
Kids throw rocks.
Do It All Dad
No more rock throwing.
What is this Palestinian Appreciation Day?

Busty, hot MILF smoking cigarettes on the curb laughs long time.

INT. HOME
Daughter
I saw a guy in a dress at the coffee shop.
Do Trans have beards to? Because his presentation as a woman looked pretty half ass to me.
Do It All Dad
He identifies with unemployed circus freaks like daddy.

This is my Father’s Day not ending so hot.

I say. So, I’ll get a blow job for Father’s Day next year?

Wife replies.

But you never go down on me.

I say. But mine tastes better and Blondie is tastier than most.

Michael Kornbluth

Books on Fatherhood Blow Until Now

God didn’t give me three kids to have a panic attack over it.

Controlling My Kids With Comedy, A Love Story is now available on Amazon for the ideal Father’s Day gift to make your father feel inferior to your favorite blog on WordPress.

I love you all, for making this book a reality. Many chapters you’ve read already on this site. I couldn’t have written the book without you.  Thanks for all the steady doses of encouragement along the way.

Do It All Dad Does Jokes comes out July 4th, 2019. But this beautiful bad boy will hold you over until then.

Michael Kornbluth

https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B07SZL67C7

Dragging Out Drag Queen Story Hour

Drag Queen

Do you kids have any questions about me?

Daughter

Do you have a different way to express your feminine side without wearing such heavy makeup?

Do you think Bette Midler should have her account suspended on Twitter, for wishing President Trump would be murdered, buried in an undisclosed location along Rockaway Beach somewhere?

If Drag Queens are obsessed with expressing their own special brand of individuality, then why do they dedicate their lives to dressing up like Donna Summer, only performing songs they heard on the radio, radio?

If Drag Queens care so much about reading to kids at libraries, why don’t they become full time Librarians instead? Knowing Librarians objectify their bodies less than Nuns do? Just think of how much money Drag Queens would save on their dry cleaning bills alone.

If a Drag Queen wrote a kids story, would she be more inclined to call it Nocturnal Beauty Only? Because Library lights aren’t as forgiving in broad daylight.

Was it Michelle Obama’s idea to strong arm Libraries into Drag Queen reading hour because her gay friends were such big fans of Joan Rivers on Fashion Police?

Why is my younger brother better at putting on nail polish than I am? Does this mean he identifies more with being a Cambodian manicurist than I do?

Don’t you think Drag Queen reading hour is more age appropriate for reading stories such as Bi Curious George? Targeted toward sexually confused hipsters reared on Lou Reed Records.

Why don’t Drag Queens ever dress up like any of the Hair Metal Gods my dad worships like Tom Kiefer from Cinderella? Or does the raspy howl of their lead singer Tom Kiefer, clash with the old school Dolly Parton type?

Michael Kornbluth

Resist This

Unknown touching fact about President Trump. When his friend Bob Kraft’s wife of 35 years died. He called him once every day for an entire year to see how he was doing. My wife refuses to get me off long time by even bookmarking my blog.
When Lebron didn’t make the Playoffs this year. Did his boy Obama shake off the talking shit about Trump curse sting, by tearing into his secret stash of Almond Joy’s in his man cave hidden inside a box of duct tape from Costco?
Whenever my baby acts fussy around mama, she claims he’s getting bored of her already. I always knew he was a quick learner unlike his learning-disabled daddy. By the time I was done with the SAT, my friends had declared their majors Sophomore year in college.
Did you know Muslims don’t believe in paying interest? Not even for a small business loan for a Sleepy’s Under the Stars, or else the Palestinians lose their UN sanction victimized status.
In England, they’re considering banning the teaching of the Holocaust because it offends the Muslim population who claimed it never happened. Ok, so Amir won’t be on the short list for internships at Amblin entertainment with any plan to be groomed as Stephen Spielberg’s next JJ Abrams in the making, despite the Quran being in dire need of a futuristic refresh.
An Illegal Alien got convicted of raping a dog to death, only to be released without notifying ICE agents in Sanctuary State, Oregon. Beavers are biters. I’d wouldn’t push your luck homes.

Courtney Love did acid at 4, was shipped off to Boarding School at 9 and blew Ted Nugent at 14. Thank God, I can’t afford boarding school for my daughter at 8. Don’t get me wrong, I think Courtney could’ve done worse than blowing Ted Nugent at 14. It’s not like she was going down on Woody Allen to get back at her adopted actress mother. Hole Live Through This is a rock masterpiece. She’s worth 150 million now. Courtney Love is Mia Farrow with better husband selection.

This is Roger Daltry yelling at fans for puffing weed at the last Who show at MSG.

We’re not Pink Floyd. Weed kills your ambition, remember, don’t get fooled again? That’s what Pete Townsend said when he clicked on the website Soap Suds Bottoms.com. We got it Pete. You we’re doing opposition research for a song about pedophile chat rooms, registered under moveonnothingtoseehereatpodesta.org, got it mate.
The End
By,
Michael Kornbluth

Force Feeding Communion Isn’t Kosher

 

Wife says. Arthur told me about Matilda taking a dump in the garden.

I reply. The corner in the garden is the designated pee area, when we’re having too much fun outside, when you’re at work. So, Matilda got a tad too comfortable in her lush, suburban fairy forest flicking surroundings. Also, Arthur wasn’t supposed to tell you. She knows not to do it again. Besides, we took her camping at 2. So, don’t act like taking a number 2 in our leafy lush,  side garden stone wall is the equivalent of bumming up the streets of San Francisco for entitled bum appreciation day. Also, show a spec of humor about it about our daughter’s break track of a dump. You’d think Little Bear was there, after polishing off every last drop of Mama’s Bear Fish Soup, loaded with extra quinoa, for added protein dumpage.

Last, I’m the one who stepped on her hot load of Plateosaurus poo, in my not so fresh anymore new Adidas. In reality, I should be the one steaming, knowing you’re the one who pushed the plant based, fake news pushing, Better Than Meat sausages on our Pescatarian reared daughter, not me. Only to learn from our daughter on our way to school today how she also knows what a cardboard body of Christ tastes like because it’s your mom force fed the Eucharist and her baby brother Arthur her behind my back, without my permission like a crazed Jesus freak. But my people, the Jews are the sneaky, controlling manipulative ones.  And don’t tell me the Eucharist is any different than getting a Communion, it’s an assertion of Jesus Christ being my children’s Lord and Savior. As opposed to true Master of the Universe, the one and only God, who doesn’t need to get crucified to make his presence felt. That’s right, Hillary Hammer Time Cankles isn’t the one entitled to conduct opposition research babe.

 

8 years ago, I made it clear to your mother how her Jewish raised granddaughter won’t be getting a communion ever. In the end, we should’ve told your mom about her conversion Mikveh ceremony at 2. Because she’s getting a Bat Mitzvah and closing with a 12 piece orchestra rendition of November Rain and an encore of performance of Wherever, Whenever by Shakira because the Reform Synagogue hosting the event, are cool with Lesbian rabbis, so they’ll lick it up, lick it up, oh, oh.

 

Also, we got Matilda converted to Judaism as a safety net for Heaven on earth, no Eucharist wafer required, assuming she falls in love with a Jewish doctor. Knowing her now legally solid, Jewess religious status won’t ever spurn a good guy Jew away in favor of an Atheist, Indy rock musician. Who rocks a Planned Parenthood bumper sticker on his Tesla. Possessing zero knowledge of the poor man’s Black Crows back in the day.

I still can’t believe your mom pushed the Eucharist on our 3 kids behind my back, knowing I’d shoot it down faster than her shitty chicken sausages from BJ’s. She knows were raising the kids Jewish and Jews believe in the act of Mitzvah, which is doing good for the sake of it, not for the hope of eternal life, with zero headliner entertainment to look forward besides Bill Hicks but God will want to hog him all to himself. 

 

I respect the Eucharist tradition knowing it was inspired from the Passover feast Jesus was celebrating with his fellow Jewish brethren, before the Romans crucified, twice Old Testament mentioning Yeshua. The Jews egged on the Romans, with divisive hate speech heckling from the sidelines because history proves we’re the real violent ones compared to gentiles at large, got it Mel.

But you don’t force your Jewish reared grandchildren to perform a Eucharist behind your Jewish son in law’s back, ever, it’s  the opposite of Kosher. If your mom had any alleged Jewish friends, she’d understand Jews like me, love some Jesus but never grateful over the millions of Jews killed in his name nor true believers in him being the one and only Messiah because peace on earth hasn’t happened yet. Obama nuke gifting Iran and making a hefty charitable donation to the PLO on his way out the door didn’t help, nor did W exploiting post 911 fear for all it was worth to Democracy builder uppers at Halliburton, selling Powell’s honor to the Devil without breaking sweat.

Your mother can’t accept the fact, Hillary is a 2-time loser for a reason and how the NY Times doesn’t know best. So of course she can’t deal with me being against Jesus being force fed down my throats for Christ sake.  But in the spirit of Jesus I forgive your colossal cunt of a mother for force feeding Eucharist, Communion, whatever, whenever,  down my kids throats.  I’m a proud Jewish New Yorker and so will her 3 grandchildren for life and she can’t ever take that away from me, force fed wafer or not. 

 

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comedy Gold Mobile

My wife works nights as a nurse, in labor and delivery, checking blue faced newborns for vitals signs. Which makes me feel like a self-obsessed narcissist because all I check for is for retweets and new likes on WordPress.
So, when I’m out in public with my 3 kids on a Saturday morning at the diner, I normally hear. You’ve got your hands full. I reply. If my wife agreed to an open marriage with Katy Perry. Assuming, my upcoming books sell huge. My hands would be full.

My so funny daughter making daddy laugh long time again. Daddy, what did you do with Grandma growing up? I don’t remember much kid. Daughter replies. Do you remember how awful her green beans were? I’ve created a comedy monster folks.

Shitting on my mother-in-law’s amorphous plans for Baba Camp.
Hey babe, what does Baba have planned for Baba camp for the kids? She’s only had the whole year to plan and feel God blessed about it.

Wife says. Fuck you. My mom mentioned something about taking the kids to the Delaware Aerospace Education Foundation.

I reply. But your parents have spent more money for doggy daycare than they have for any their grandchildren for the past 8 years So, don’t expect me to be floating on air to Dark Side of The Moon on the primo Maui Wowie at the prospect of them footing the bill for Space Camp anytime this millennium.

Also, Obama pulled the plug on NASA. And Space Force isn’t off the ground yet. So, I’m not expecting any major space shuttle reveals on display when they visit.

Last, we just took the kids to DC to the Air and Space Museum to gaze at Spaceship One. But a garden tour of Direct TV satellite dishes and of a UFO shaped house in the bowels of bumble fuck Delaware sounds like a blast.

I bet the ex-shuttle launch site is more deserted than Hunter Biden’s coke baggie after last call from the bathroom stall.

Me emoting about my 5-year-old-son making the monkey bars his bitch for a pleasant change of pace.

Great job Art Show, way to fill out that tang top. Don’t forget muscle has memory. My old catering boss in Orange County urged me to smile more as I worked the buffet line. Unlike you, I had no past happy muscle memory to flex from. Playing with GI Joe figures alone in my room throughout my entire 10th grade school year didn’t help. Neither did me getting a book titled the 12 Stages of Puberty from Mimi for Hanukkah one year. I said. Mom, getting this book in front of my younger brother of 3 years is so embarrassing. Jonathan already hit puberty and can play with himself whenever he wants. Mom replies. But you play with yourself all the time with your, GI-Joe figures.

Since I became a married man with 3 kids. In other words, a slut in a straight jacket. I flirt with older MILFS at the track by acting out cupping their scrumptios looking ta-tas as I run around the track to Highway to Hell to let them know how hot they look in their stretchy Lulu Lemon sports bras, begging to be manhandled in my mind at the very least.

My so funny daughter making daddy laugh again long time again.
I ask her. So, Matilda, do you think Uncle John really had a kid’s birthday party to attend, knowing he’s gotten you a grand total of 3 gifts in 8 years? Daughter replies. I think he’s telling the truth daddy. A kid’s birthday party is an elaborate excuse to blow off meeting us at the park to play ball. And Uncle John isn’t that smart.

Editor texts me. Got a huge migraine. Will have your 1st round edit by tomorrow. 2nd round of edits will take 3 days max. P.S Matilda, is so funny.

I share the text with my daughter. She replies. The Comedy Gold Mobile is all mine. I’m funnier than you are.

I reply. Relax, Female Flash. I was force feeding you lines when you can barely string to 2 words together. Do you remember the routine? Matilda do you have a nookie problem? Yes, I’m a little obsessed. I remember daddy. I also remember, money equals freedom. And Time is money and veggie bacon doesn’t pay for a Gold colored Porsche SUV. So can you get Falling For Fatherhood in publishable shape before Father’s Day already?

The End

By,
Michael Kornbluth

My Happy Jewish Afterlife

I believe the liberation of my people from death camps in Germany is proof God exists. And how the existence of Roger Waters proves there’s us and whinier, British malcontents who wish White Walkers could’ve finished the job on their behalf.

My Hebrew School failed in teaching us about the concept of an alluded to afterlife. Consisting of a place above with glow enshrouded souls, giddy with delight over not having to futz with going to the dry cleaners ever again. Feeling cleansed of all penetrable jealousies emanating from your Aussie brother in law for not being confused for Mel Brooks ever. Knowing he wasn’t chosen to be blessed with the funny Jew bone, nor made tough enough to endure goonish laugh producing periods of non-stop taunting despair, in the face of relentless imposed doubt from family members, friends, scuzzy sales bosses and joke sampled on strangers at large.

 

An Aussie brother in law whose only way to impress the opposite sex is by inserting his Aussie accent of old before moving to Delaware with his family, in the place of any semblance of personality to showcase at all. An Aussie brother in law who will never know what it feels like to unearth comedy gold, only after decades of digging for it within the deepest pits of your kvetching, rewriting righting soul.

Another way to ensure my funny man soul lives on is through reading the Old Testament this summer already. Getting closer to God will be a blast, further away from my aimless, MOJO rising not so much yet past. Ensuring my 3 kids, will possess a more intimate, heightened understanding behind the power of soul outside of blasting and puking their brains out in college to Jimi Hendrix’s blowing your mind with Power of Soul  on the Band of Gypsies, from killing floor, Fillmore East, New Years Eve show pasts.  I need to get familiar with my Torah like Abe Lincoln before me, if I plan to prove my worthiness to write Stay At Home Rabbi already. I’m thinking of pitching the book to Harper Collins and Rape Wood as Billy Madison meets Mr. Fantastic. Can I get a Hollah for some Challah? Because Adam Sandler isn’t the only true funny man, non-resistor Jew capable of bringing in big deal bread boyy!

The End,

By,

Michael Kornbluth