Gonna Be A Podcast Hero

Situation: Mom responds via a text to a video showing our new adopted cat scurry behind our couch in her new home. I’m so happy for Matilda and your family. Translation, my 1st born identifies with sexless, isolated cat ladies on the Upper West Side.

Facebook has made Baby Boomers the laziest grandparent generation of all time. Lifting a finger is liking a new baby pic on Facebook. Getting dressed up for a Skype call is a horror show. Mom’s coffee breath fogs up the computer screen as we speak.

After my 3 kid was born, my younger brother replaces his Facebook profile photo with a picture of him holding my newborn bundle of joy. I confront him later on the phone. You can’t steal my weed, Adderral and my life.

France is on high alert for revenge attacks because the US took out the leader of ISIS? Oh yeah I forgot, travel bans are racist and America gave Trump a shot at ensuring we don’t become France, my bad.

The new face of ISIS has been appointed. Can’t say I’m shocked knowing the war against terrorism is never ending as long as Jihadists don’t become abstinent, because conserving their energy for 1000 virgins in Allah’s paradise becomes a thing.

New face of ISIS is appointed. What were his qualifications? Did he ace Beheading 101? Did ISIS tout his perfect attendance record, claiming he never cut class to rape Christian villagers in Syria because Obama identifies as a fake news Christian.

How did Trump’s decision to withdraw our troops from Syria jeopardize our ability to take out the head of ISIS? We only had 100 troops there. Plus, Obama isn’t around to gift wrap ISIS new Hum V escape pods for Kwanzaa.

Katie Hill blames the electronic assault from the right wing media leading to her resignation. I thought it was because she found a more desperate but-her-face to bury in her less than appetizing mountain of muff.

Chrissy Teigen’s face has two looks, constipated and super scrunchy. Either one is pimple butt ugly if you ask me. Plus, her cramped teeth, begging for Lucy Liu’s gleam isn’t doing her any favors. Last, her acting like a sloppy slut isn’t a stretch.

Russia doubts the attack on ISIS occurred Drudge Report? What gives you the idea Russia is down with ISIS life? Intent on allowing more suicide bombing attacks inside mother Russia? Does Putin look like the hunched, push over, Merkel type to you Panama Jack?

Michael Kornbluth

Shameless Debut Book Plug

Controlling our kids with comedy can make our kids great again, my behaved, super sweet, fuss free kids as a whole are living proof of it.

 

I’d like to think my WordPress followers would’ve developed a heightened interest in devouring a copy already.

 

Thanks again, for making the process of writing this book an interactive, less lonely one.

 

Below is my first universal book link to Barnes, Kobo, Apple, Amazon, you name it, thanks to Draft 2 Digital.

books2read.com/u/mKEjVv

 

Michael Kornbluth

Dragging Out Drag Queen Story Hour

Drag Queen

Do you kids have any questions about me?

Daughter

Do you have a different way to express your feminine side without wearing such heavy makeup?

Do you think Bette Midler should have her account suspended on Twitter, for wishing President Trump would be murdered, buried in an undisclosed location along Rockaway Beach somewhere?

If Drag Queens are obsessed with expressing their own special brand of individuality, then why do they dedicate their lives to dressing up like Donna Summer, only performing songs they heard on the radio, radio?

If Drag Queens care so much about reading to kids at libraries, why don’t they become full time Librarians instead? Knowing Librarians objectify their bodies less than Nuns do? Just think of how much money Drag Queens would save on their dry cleaning bills alone.

If a Drag Queen wrote a kids story, would she be more inclined to call it Nocturnal Beauty Only? Because Library lights aren’t as forgiving in broad daylight.

Was it Michelle Obama’s idea to strong arm Libraries into Drag Queen reading hour because her gay friends were such big fans of Joan Rivers on Fashion Police?

Why is my younger brother better at putting on nail polish than I am? Does this mean he identifies more with being a Cambodian manicurist than I do?

Don’t you think Drag Queen reading hour is more age appropriate for reading stories such as Bi Curious George? Targeted toward sexually confused hipsters reared on Lou Reed Records.

Why don’t Drag Queens ever dress up like any of the Hair Metal Gods my dad worships like Tom Kiefer from Cinderella? Or does the raspy howl of their lead singer Tom Kiefer, clash with the old school Dolly Parton type?

Michael Kornbluth

Sorry About Obama

Upset at my wife for screwing up my pizza prep work creation.
When do I mix eggplant with sweet peppers & onions on pizza? The eggplant is the star. It’s like Lebron crashing Kimmel unannounced after an interview with Kobe after he wins his 2nd Oscar.

Cam Newton is giving up sex to improve his Quarterback play. Broadway Joe had more attractive options to nail up the middle in midtown Manhattan. Joan from Mad Men isn’t supporting her kids on her executive assistant salary in 60’s Charlotte.

Barr upon receiving the Mueller report.
Trump has ties to Russia. Duh, most mail order bride owners do. You’re not recording this conversation like that two faced Michael Cohen , are you? Hey, Bob, define Alt Right, you treacherous snake.

INT. Office
Mueller drops his report on Barr’s desk.
Barr
I worked on a screenplay parody of Wag the Dog for 2 years once.
But I’m sure NBC owned Universal Studio’s will sugarcoat your reviews on The Black List. Mueller’s bound for WGA glory.

Barr upon receiving the Mueller report on his desk.
What do you for a living again Bob? I’m a special prosecutor hired to find evidence of Russian election interference. Oh, so you’re a bullshit artist. History will not be kind to you Bob.

Mueller concludes the Russian investigation. It states, Holograms of Drago didn’t pop up in voting booths, threatening, “Vote Trump or I’ll break you.”

Former Australian PM blames #Breitbart for New Zealand Terror attack. Does he blame Obama for the dead autopsy technician who performed the autopsy on it’s Jewish founder Andrew Breitbart. Arsenic was found in his system. Sure it was bad luck.

Sorry about Obama. What, only baby face Omar can utter such a universal truth affecting all Americans today? I want to see Democrats wear this shirt so bad. At least, it would show self-awareness, knowing he tried to wipe out whitey with Fentanyl, Larry the Cable Guy’s extended family included.

Lower the voting age to 16? Let’s use Blockbuster cards for voting ID while we’re at it. And imagine a time pre-911, when Bill Clinton was known as a mere chubby chaser. Hillary stole China from the White House, thinking, “What difference does, it make?”

Bernie Sanders wants to hook up Iran with more nuke gifting money again. So resistors, unless you’re so called leadership does anything to deter nuclear proliferation versus giving Iran a green light to annihilate, shut up already, thanks.

What happened to your balls #Roseanne? 1st, the Ambian made you tweet. Now, Sarah Gilbert is the reason you got fired. Triple down, Valerie Jarrett still lives with Obama, she authored the Nuke gifting Iran deal and is Obama’s Arabian horse whisperer.

Planned Parenthood President says, “There’s no such thing as Infanticide in medical care.” Just pre-mediated murder like OJ without being hopped on coke before murdering Nicole.

 

INT. HOME
Stay At Home Comedian
Has anyone complimented on you that top at work?
Wife
No, but everyone loves my new hair cut. They think I look like a super model.
Stay At Home Comedian
I feel bad for Tori Spelling.

INT. Daughters Bedroom
Daughter
Daddy, why did you dump all those woman before mama?
Stay At Home Comedian
When I kissed them, the walls weren’t pulsating with a life energy of their own like I was tripping on boomers for starters.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth