Do It All Dad Does Jokes is here. You’re welcome America. I couldn’t have written jokes you won’t hear on Kimmel without you, WordPress peeps. Thank you.
Do It All Dad Does Jokes is here. You’re welcome America. I couldn’t have written jokes you won’t hear on Kimmel without you, WordPress peeps. Thank you.
Controlling our kids with comedy can make our kids great again, my behaved, super sweet, fuss free kids as a whole are living proof of it.
I’d like to think my WordPress followers would’ve developed a heightened interest in devouring a copy already.
Thanks again, for making the process of writing this book an interactive, less lonely one.
Below is my first universal book link to Barnes, Kobo, Apple, Amazon, you name it, thanks to Draft 2 Digital.
Do you kids have any questions about me?
Do you have a different way to express your feminine side without wearing such heavy makeup?
Do you think Bette Midler should have her account suspended on Twitter, for wishing President Trump would be murdered, buried in an undisclosed location along Rockaway Beach somewhere?
If Drag Queens are obsessed with expressing their own special brand of individuality, then why do they dedicate their lives to dressing up like Donna Summer, only performing songs they heard on the radio, radio?
If Drag Queens care so much about reading to kids at libraries, why don’t they become full time Librarians instead? Knowing Librarians objectify their bodies less than Nuns do? Just think of how much money Drag Queens would save on their dry cleaning bills alone.
If a Drag Queen wrote a kids story, would she be more inclined to call it Nocturnal Beauty Only? Because Library lights aren’t as forgiving in broad daylight.
Was it Michelle Obama’s idea to strong arm Libraries into Drag Queen reading hour because her gay friends were such big fans of Joan Rivers on Fashion Police?
Why is my younger brother better at putting on nail polish than I am? Does this mean he identifies more with being a Cambodian manicurist than I do?
Don’t you think Drag Queen reading hour is more age appropriate for reading stories such as Bi Curious George? Targeted toward sexually confused hipsters reared on Lou Reed Records.
Why don’t Drag Queens ever dress up like any of the Hair Metal Gods my dad worships like Tom Kiefer from Cinderella? Or does the raspy howl of their lead singer Tom Kiefer, clash with the old school Dolly Parton type?
Upset at my wife for screwing up my pizza prep work creation.
When do I mix eggplant with sweet peppers & onions on pizza? The eggplant is the star. It’s like Lebron crashing Kimmel unannounced after an interview with Kobe after he wins his 2nd Oscar.
Cam Newton is giving up sex to improve his Quarterback play. Broadway Joe had more attractive options to nail up the middle in midtown Manhattan. Joan from Mad Men isn’t supporting her kids on her executive assistant salary in 60’s Charlotte.
Barr upon receiving the Mueller report.
Trump has ties to Russia. Duh, most mail order bride owners do. You’re not recording this conversation like that two faced Michael Cohen , are you? Hey, Bob, define Alt Right, you treacherous snake.
Mueller drops his report on Barr’s desk.
I worked on a screenplay parody of Wag the Dog for 2 years once.
But I’m sure NBC owned Universal Studio’s will sugarcoat your reviews on The Black List. Mueller’s bound for WGA glory.
Barr upon receiving the Mueller report on his desk.
What do you for a living again Bob? I’m a special prosecutor hired to find evidence of Russian election interference. Oh, so you’re a bullshit artist. History will not be kind to you Bob.
Mueller concludes the Russian investigation. It states, Holograms of Drago didn’t pop up in voting booths, threatening, “Vote Trump or I’ll break you.”
Former Australian PM blames #Breitbart for New Zealand Terror attack. Does he blame Obama for the dead autopsy technician who performed the autopsy on it’s Jewish founder Andrew Breitbart. Arsenic was found in his system. Sure it was bad luck.
Sorry about Obama. What, only baby face Omar can utter such a universal truth affecting all Americans today? I want to see Democrats wear this shirt so bad. At least, it would show self-awareness, knowing he tried to wipe out whitey with Fentanyl, Larry the Cable Guy’s extended family included.
Lower the voting age to 16? Let’s use Blockbuster cards for voting ID while we’re at it. And imagine a time pre-911, when Bill Clinton was known as a mere chubby chaser. Hillary stole China from the White House, thinking, “What difference does, it make?”
Bernie Sanders wants to hook up Iran with more nuke gifting money again. So resistors, unless you’re so called leadership does anything to deter nuclear proliferation versus giving Iran a green light to annihilate, shut up already, thanks.
What happened to your balls #Roseanne? 1st, the Ambian made you tweet. Now, Sarah Gilbert is the reason you got fired. Triple down, Valerie Jarrett still lives with Obama, she authored the Nuke gifting Iran deal and is Obama’s Arabian horse whisperer.
Planned Parenthood President says, “There’s no such thing as Infanticide in medical care.” Just pre-mediated murder like OJ without being hopped on coke before murdering Nicole.
Stay At Home Comedian
Has anyone complimented on you that top at work?
No, but everyone loves my new hair cut. They think I look like a super model.
Stay At Home Comedian
I feel bad for Tori Spelling.
INT. Daughters Bedroom
Daddy, why did you dump all those woman before mama?
Stay At Home Comedian
When I kissed them, the walls weren’t pulsating with a life energy of their own like I was tripping on boomers for starters.
Bill Maher talking down to a Latino Republican on Real Time.
The wall is more than symbolic Bill. Wait a minute Juan. What do Latino Republicans know about Pink Floyd the Wall? I thought you guys skipped your Santana pothead phase in college all together.
Henry Ford blamed the Jewish German bankers for starting World War 2. He also accepted the Grand Cross of the German Eagle from the Nazi’s just to assuage his feelings for his peace ship conference going nowhere. Some model plan b.
Rep. Rashida Tlaib was just matching Trump’s foul mouthed smack talk. No she wasn’t, because “we’re going to impeach that motherf—er is low IQ, fake news funny. Good to know Kid Rock country is under Sharia law now though.
Schumer insisting Trump is the one throwing a temper tantrum is like Rob Reiner telling the new PLO rep from Michigan to take a chill pill.
Enough with Trump choose fear Pelosi. Trump didn’t fabricate avoidable, rape, assault and murder. But making California a sanctuary for encouraged lawlessness gives you the moral high ground denture breath.
What’s there to be skeptical about? More Americans will die this year from drugs than all the Americans who died from Vietnam. But boomers don’t feel the need to politicize this issue. Despite their kids being druggy dependents for life.
What’s the Democratic’s noble purpose? Ensuring a Park Ranger at Yosemite doesn’t miss another check? Or is it rigging more elections through illegal voting so they can stay in power in longer because they’re power hungry parasites.
We can secure our border by other means. How so Chuck? You got some Iron Man armor to sell Border Patrol? Perhaps, a clone of Green Lantern’s ring to create a green laser fence in place of steel slats. You’re still down with clones? Aren’t you pal?
The worst part about blaming the rise of Trump on Fox News. Is it scoffs at the notion of America voting for a regime change. After Obama castrated our military, declared war on cops, nuke gifted Iran and let heroin spread like wild fire on his watch.
Fact is Democrats will never win another election in this country if they don’t stop treating Fox News like the big bad, wolf. Hannity is a blimpy blowhard in a suit and Tucker is a preppy, grating twerp with good hair. Get over it.
When your parents are cool spending another indoor summer in Arizona away from their 3 grandchildren for 4 years straight. Bordering on almost full blown neglect. It’s safe to say, they’re not suffering from family separation anxiety.
I love school delays.
Of course you do. Its gives you an out for being in zero rush to read my 2nd piece republished on the Good Men Project this week.
The Mama of Little Bear would love to give him Melotonin
Bear Gummies if she could. So she could squeeze in another steamy romance novel before bed with Fabio as the voice of Smokey Robinson Bear whenever Papa bear’s on a fishing trip in Alaska.
Little Bear is primarily about Little Bear being obsessed about being abandoned by his father. Awake or asleep , he just imagines being reunited with this dad. But kids need mom around more.
Half of America’s 64 million branded racists to be exact, will clamor to buy a copy because for 2 years straight they haven’t been hearing this material on Kimmel.
Who doesn’t want to read A plus jokes shadowbanned by Twitter and LinkedIn to reveal what fascist, free speech censoring, fake news morality police overlords Silicon Valley has become. Since selling their souls to China to play Steve Jobs for a living, minus chummy relationships with Bono.
Because Stay At Home Comedian provides a funny, moving, heartfelt, inspirational tale about rising from slug to stud as the new face of the remote work revolution.
Because most prose essay stylists, Gore Vidal and Anthony Bourdain excluded, suck out loud off the page. And couldn’t ad lib laugh yanker funny if their free nespresso pod deal for life from Harper Collins depended on it. Stay At Home Comedian doesn’t have this issue nor does suffer from self-esteem issues, writing about himself in the 3rd person like a too tall Jew, Rick Henderson in the process.
It sells huge because books on fatherhood suck and mostly boring novels nobody reads anymore anyway.
Its sells huge because in Stay At Home Comedian Joan Rivers lives, by outpunching her prose by loading his paragraphs with more condensed, smart laugh yankers than she ever did in her essay collections like I Hate Everyone and Diary of Mad Diva, no offense.
It sells huge because of the jokes in Stay At Home Comedian have been embraced and loved by Twitter homies and WordPress Peeps already.
Its sells huge because 1st person narratives on fatherhood from a comedian’s perspective haven’t existed prior because the successful ones have been to busy on the road making a living, trying to keep their families together. Being a Stay At Home Comedian/Father of 3 with no grandparent assistance in sight. I haven’t had such freedom or a booking agent, or enough practice stage time to do so.
It sells huge because Whoopie will love my story about Paul Mooney on the View.
It sells huge because the Good Men Project has republished chapters of the book prior solidifying my good man status such as “Wishing My Son’s Birthday Never Blows”, “3 Kids is Brave” and “Birth of a Pescatarian Comedian.” Also the Good Men Project partners with other publishing sites like the Huffington Post so I can’t be perceived as too much of a hateful, divisive monster. Especially after you feel the palpable love and gratitude I express for becoming an unplanned parent in my falling for fatherhood love tale for the ages.
Its sells huge because half of America can’t resist stories of my kids hugging flags and reverse narrative control, describing in full blown comedic detail why Hillary Hammer Time Cankles is not and will never be my daughter’s role model.
It sells huge because I’ve amassed 27 hours of A list standup material in the form of 57 plus podcasts over 1 year alone off the weed. John Lennon wishes he was this productive during his stay at home dads years.
It sells huge because in the age of me to, there’s been no other do it all dad pride incarnate voice, insisting on his 2 sons carrying around pre-poundage release forms once they start junior high.
It sells huge because the brothers love me and I always said, Kayne West knows friendship best.
It sells huge because New Yorkers grow up in melting pots like myself so Stay At Home Comedian can connect, entertain and move almost anybody.
It sells huge because I’m a more literate, hungry, poetic Howard Stern.
It sells huge because my children are superior company than most which is a glorious reflection of my own larger than life personality.
It sells huge no other humor books are funny because the real comedians who get laughs on stage for a living, save their best material for their road act off the page.
It sells huge because the writing in Stay At Home Comedian isn’t edgeless, soft served, musings on parenthood compared to Tina Fey’s Bossypants.
It sells huge because other prose stylist essayists like the late Christopher Hitchens don’t talk about God in the most heart tingly, soul stirring way I do.
It sells huge because I’ll look better than Michael Chabon on the book cover despite my eyes not looking as dreamy, nor be showcasing my chosen curls anymore.
It sells huge because Stay At Home Comedian slapping his bum with a spatula as his 3 kids point up laughing in hysterics is money in the bank, after the reading the caption below, controlling my kids with comedy.
It sells huge because men don’t have any modern day, funny man, American stylists to fill Bourdain’s shoes until now. Fire and Knives published my piece Anthony Bourdain Rips My Frozen Lunch Apart. And empower his voice with even greater, lacerating gusto at my expense.
It sells huge because what else are you getting your dad for Father’s Day next year, a book by BJ Novak? He’s likeable but nobody loves him. Comedy Central felt the same when they resigned Trevor Noah for the forseeable future.
It sells huge because I’ll go on Seth Meth Meyers only to make fun of him. If you’re not scared of Trump, then, I’m into my mother as much as Seth Meyers.
It sells huge because if Ben Shapiro can make anyone endure his voice past the 2 minute mark, then I’m made in the shade.
It sells huge because old school comedians like Seinfeld will get his wife to promote by book based on the chapter “Shoulder Rides on the Shoulders of Comedy Giants alone.”
Its sells huge because by writing about my 3 pitch perfect, ultra sweet kids I minimize my asshole vibe while still delivering the laughs better than others.
It sells huge because I’m dunking a basketball on the back cover while slamming a Torpedo double IPA beer from Sierra Nevada which is worth the 27 dollar price tag alone.
It sells huge because I’m more loveable and just as biting as Roseanne ever was.
It sells huge because my computer passwords for everything are either best seller or Samuel wins, my lucky number 3. So Stay At Home Comedian, “Controlling My Kids with Comedy” is bound for glory. Freeing me up from a 8-7 job so I can write more best selling books with my lucky 3 Samuel by my side.
He scores a lit agent and a big time publishing deal for his follow up smash hit book, Birth of a Pescatarian Comedian, Family Meals Reviews one rant at a time.
He celebrates by taking his daughter skating in Wollman Rink in Central Park this winter before they nosh on primo high end smoked salmon tea Sandwiches at Tavern on the Green soon after. Giving his daughter a taste of the big time for a change.
He helps co-write a book with the 11 year winner of Shark Tank, Jack Bonneau about financial literacy for aspiring young entrepreneurs deciding to be their own best role models called, Trillionaire Baby. And Betsy Devos makes it mandatory reading for all US high school students graduating the 6th grade. Opener reads. 7 year old daughter asks me. Daddy, how many zeros are in a trillion? Daddy, do you really have to Google that? Daddy, are you financially illiterate? Is this why you call yourself a degenerate Jew? Dad replies. I did have to partner with a 12 year old with enough profit making prowess and working financial credit to write a book on the subject kiddo. I only wish my Math SAT scores were sealed like Obama’s college records.
He takes his family to Copenhagen next summer for a book signing tour, becoming the funniest, most outrageous, spokesperson for the wonders of attachment parenting and how working remote in addition to controlling our kids through comedy can make our kids great again.
He buys his son Arthur Morrison Kornbluth his own guitar already and befriends a guitar teacher. And write a book together about the greatest guitar shredder history teacher of all time. Who wants to make guitar shredding pop metal sheik fly high with the angels for old times sake.
He renews his vows to his wife, Natalia Anna Duffy, but writes them on his own this time. Obviously, only being in charge of the wedding playlist 7 years ago was his only capable contribution.
He buys his wife the wedding ring based on his own earnings, not his parents because his wife Natalia, future Boob Doctor, Lactation Consultant for the stars deserves to be showered with love for her endless investment post three children in his funny man writing paying huge dividends already.
He starts hosting his family meal review cooking show Double Talk With Chef Samuels, his Gerber baby incarnate 2 year old son on YouTube, scoring Ninja blender as their 1st major sponsor in the process.
He takes his Do It All Dad Year podcast to new heights by becoming a medium for dead famous dads, conveying their must hear messages, resolving unfinished business for tremendous, hilarious, moving impact.
He writes a thank you letter for every sales manager who ever fired him,
He flies out to LA to celebrate with his best bud Jay, who always believed in him making it, despite coming home from work, watching him tell a bomb show of joke stabs in front of the mirror again and again.
He goes on Tucker Carlson to shower love on Barnes Noble and his publisher Harper Collins for keeping freedom of speech alive and for not shadow banning him yet.
He goes on Howard Stern and makes fun of Howard for paying his writers shit.
He goes on the Joe Rogan Podcast and get’s stoned for old time sake because he’s really earned it this time around.
He appears on InfoWars and says Joan lives after every punchline he delivers.
He appears on the Russell Brand podcast and suggests they do a movie together about getting banned from England and pissing off the royal family royally.
He performs at the White House Correspondents Dinner in 2020 as a 2 time best selling author. And does 20 minutes on Michelle Wolf and Raggedy Ann go to a bar material alone.
He get’s out the house more than usual to take his old friend Chaim out to lunch in Manhattan for encouraging him to do a podcast which lead the launch of his successful author career.
He reconnects with his old high school friend Ari who told him to keep writing on top of saying, you can be great.
He takes out his copywriting teacher at Media Bistro in Manhattan for pushing him to write a pilot for Amazon which lead to his TV writing break at VH1 Classic in Manhattan for America’s Hard 100.
He takes his dad out in Arizona for a round of golf on his dime for a change. Mom asks: Why are you acting like such a big deal all of a sudden son? Stay At Home Comedian replies: You wouldn’t be interested. Mom says: Why not? Stay At Home Comedian responds. Remember, the letter you sent me stating, to never expect you to show any interest in my writing career as an unemployed comedian/father of 3? Silence ensues. Yeah, like I said, you wouldn’t be interested.
Not that there’s real stiff competition in this department. A Model World And Other Stories by Michael Chabon, The Brothers Karamazov by Dostoevsky, yeah, I got 3 kids, not finding the time for that slog feast of a read either. I’ll stick to Cliff Notes voted on quotes from GoodReads.com. Thank you very much.
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, yeah, I don’t recall blowing though that summer wind reading either. Fathers and Sons by Ivan Turgenev, yeah Bukowski had a hard on for his sparse, bone dry Russian, not me. East of Eden by John Steinbeck, you got my attention. He could write circles around the Russian writer greats with more effortless, charismatic loaded, emotive, this land is your land grace if you ask me. Unto The Sons by Gay Talese isn’t gripping my attention past Gay trying to pull off the Tom Wolfe all white suit past Labor Day. Which is in similar poor taste to me rocking my white polo today in January. Wearing my white privilege on my sleeves. Although chances are, F Scott Fitzgerald never bought a Polo at the outlet store in Lake George either.
Stay At Home Comedian, my book of essays and jokes about fatherhood transforming me into a seriocomic author in the age of meto fake feminists, #shadowbanning and baby boomer grandparent busts is comparable to what?
If Gore Vidal, Tony Robbins and Lenny Bruce had a baby.
Think Saul Bellow if Woody Allen punched up the humor in it and it didn’t sound so sanctimonious, Joseph Heller boorish after a while.
Think Charles Bukowski cross pollinated with Bill Hicks and Rodney Dangerfield and Anthony Bourdain’s non-smack gritty using, 1st narrative, punchy, florid prose. That personality loaded, funny man emotive poetic dynamic throughout my debut parenting book about falling for fatherhood, Stay At Home Comedian is the best of the rest.
Think of my book as Stud’s Terkel’s Working for a Stay At Home Comedian/Father of 3.
Think of Tom Papa, Jim Gaffigan, Paul Reiser and Bill Cosby’s books on fatherhood with actual laugh generation, emotive feeling.
Every bio or autobiography I’ve ever read on comedians or writers failed to sing the inspirational, empowerment praise of their children. So my book Stay At Comedian is peerless in this respect, minus Sammy Davis Junior’s book As I Am, where he talks about touring with his father as a vaudeville act as early as 4. I know it’s the other way around but work with me people. In the book, Sammy’s father advice which lead to me writing this profit maker book is this. If you do entertainment without getting paid, then you’re just doing for ego expansion purposes or something like that.
Think my book NYC Lit Agent as a Field of Dreams for a knock kneed putzy Jew who couldn’t dunk a basketball if his life depended on it. So he gave IPA’s up for the winter and did. A pic of me dunking on the back cover slamming a Torpedo IPA from Sierra Nevada will be worth the 27 dollar price tag alone. Oh yeah, on the cover I’m slamming my bum with a spatula, as my 3 looks kids look up to me in adoring fashion hysterics. Above them is the caption Stay At Home Comedian, Controlling My Kids With Comedy.
Stay At Home Dads getting no respect, Stay At Home Dads hating each other, fatherhood being a do over life improver, kids being better than you, attachment parenting and turning your bed into a 24/7 milk bar is all brand new territory which I mine for comedy gold all the way. Oh yeah, and I’d never hire my goons to punch out Jackie Mason in his hotel room for making fun of Frank, knowing he was probably twice as funny and cutting as Rickles. Last, I’ve got plenty of Rickles in my writing also. Read Bob Dylan’s Background Check Reveals and tell me different.
Bonding over fatherhood sounds way better than reasons my love story, falling for fatherhood is needed. So here we go Random House, Penguin Books, the one guy who still puts out a new book of poetry a year for the big, bad, Bukowski.
Just to clarify fans, WordPress peeps, new readers, I’m officially done writing my debut parenting humor book Stay At Home Comedian, controlling my kids through comedy. How 3 kids got my act together. I closed my book on fatherhood being a do over life improver of the highest order with: “No, He’s My Daddy.” To celebrate the impending 5th birthday of my son Arthur Morrison Kornbluth. Who loves to proclaim with crystal clear jubilee I was born on News Years Day. He’s already to play the kid lead in Kindergarten Cop. I still couldn’t spell Kindergarten without spell checker if my life depended on it. Arthur stayed up to 12:05 AM this year at home with my wife and his big sister Matilda Singing Rose. Baby Samuel crashed on mama’s boob 15 minutes before midnight. Which worked out beautifully because I was able to lunge birthday boy high up in the air at 12AM, point at the TV in Times Square and proclaim: “Everyone there is celebrating your birthday.” Even the Alt Right because your Aryan looks throw them off completely. Not that the Alt Right would usher in the new year, partying in my city, Jew York ever but I digress.
We saw the Harlem Globetrotters earlier in the evening. It was fun but even I can look athletic dunking off a trampoline. Also, when mascots have been dunking off trampolines on a regular basis for half time entertainment since Patrick Ewing lost to Villanova. It loses its luster when sports entertainment professionals like the modern day Globetrotters perform ariel dunks during the actual 2nd half of the game, which isn’t too divorced from standard basketball game playing reality. Harlem Globetrotters using a trampoline in the game is like the high flying Jimmy Snuka of old at the Westchester Country Center, jumping off the top turnbuckle with a rocket launcher on his back. Or Tito Santana downing Mexican Jumping Beans before whipping Greg the Hammer Valentine into the ropes before launching into blockhead blondie with his infamous flying elbow drop. Which couldn’t put a dent in a Pinata if his Intercontinental belt for 2 days was riding on it.
Also, at camp when I saw the Harlem Globetrotters, I don’t recall the sports entertainment event being 75% crowd work. If I knew this is what the Harlem Globetrotters act had become, I would’ve saved my family the money and did an open mike in the village for old times sake like the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and get in five minutes of stage time on my own. Assuming, my wife was cool with me leaving her behind with the 3 kids. So, I could come back home 4 hours later. And say to my kids. What did daddy do tonight? In unison, they say, “daddy killed.” Baby says “ball.” From there I go in for an Avalanche hug. My wife hates that. Also ever notice how the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel always has undefined babysitting assistance?
The worst part about New Years this year was hearing about my parents new tradition on New Years Eve over the phone on New Years Day. Which includes writing each other letters, listing the highlights of their year. I wonder if not calling me on my birthday because they we’re in Israel cracked the top ten. I hate how Baby Boomers go out of their way to justify their existence as retirees. Doing their resistor best to act as if their lives are so much more happiness filled, outside of being involved loving grandparents. Especially, when you know hours of CNN listening doesn’t translate into meaningful think tank participation either. Especially, when they’re burnt out on another indoor summer in Arizona, 7 years and counting. I wonder if one of my parents highlights was Jim Acosta getting his press credentials restored to play activist reporter resister on their behalf. Did you toast in the New Year? My mom asks in typical patronizing fashion. She’s not really interested but I know my readers are. So what did I do on New Years Eve? I watched Crazy Rich Asians reluctantly with my wife feeling smug superior because I couldn’t write dialogue this boring if I tried. Where’s Bobby Lee from Mad TV when you need him the most? So I slammed a delectable, plumptastic array of American, big deal personality forward IPA’s throughout the night because my winter purfication started today. Because I had some beer leftover yesterday and I thought it would be in my wife’s best debloating interests, to drink the remainder of our high calorie IPA bombs on her behalf.
Enduring my wife’s lambasting me for blowing a fortune on my son’s birthday balloon collection because she questioned whether we had any money for it. Knowing full and well, I was also celebrating me finishing my 1st book ever. Waxing poetic, delivering oversized heart, charm and ample servings of yanker laugh out loud humor in my do it all dad year, bonding over fatherhood book for the ages. My wife’s decision to be mean spirited and petty on the eve of my son’s 5th birthday after she knows full and well, I’m in the submit, score an agent now time, after the Good Men Project will be publishing more of my chapters in the new year was infuriating to the maximum degree to say the least. Do It All Tip” Woman either still believe in you making it happen or don’t. Mine falls into the later camp obviously. It’s a shame, but nothing some more IPA’s couldn’t resolve on my glorious night hoisting my beautiful boy up high, to celebrate the unlimited promise for brighter, more long lasting triumphant tomorrows.
Arthur gave me some real nice punch hugs at the Harlem Globe Trotters show. He appreciated the gesture of Daddy pushing for us to go there. He got into the dance for YMCA. It was his first grown up, sports event crowd, participation moment. Which put a boyish, 5 year smile imprint on my heart to cherish forevermore. Arthur loves all his balloons. He popped almost every single one by humping them to death. It remined of when he mounted my wife’s friend in Maine from behind as she showed her downward dog pose. He was 2 then yet he wrapped his arms around her legs in an excitable, get down way unseen before.
Arthur has a new friend from Pre-K named Shawn, who he’s inviting to his follow up friend birthday party in 2 weeks. First, when he told me about his new bud, it sounded like he was saying Fawn. So I played speech coach and we worked on it together in the car on his way to prek today. “Arthur say, Shawn Kamp, Shawn Wayans, Sean Austin Greene. Arthur, the Harlem Globe Trotters could’ve done a whole lot more of what? And he says “shake and bake, Shawn.” My boy is all grownz up and he’s all grownz up. Without my beard I still get confused for a pre-bloated Vince Vince Vaughn, pre-insomniac. So why does the world need my book black editor at large? Who thinks Kayne West is a fearless genius like myself? Because the world needs a book about bonding over fatherhood. Which gives thanks and praises to our children. Who due to the grace of God, have unfurled, the sweetest, funniest, strongest, most giving versions of ourselves. Making us prideful, emoting, do it all dads feel like All Star human beings in this crazy old world for a change.
I dreamed of you owning a vacation home in New Mexico.
Georgia O’Keefe did good work there. Personally, I prefer her labia looking flower paintings because they burst with more eye fucking sensuality.
If the CEO of Google called me at Robert Half, I’d assume he was an H1-B, claim our connection was bad and hang up on him next. Thinking, I’d have an easier time penning a Bollywood musical than making a fee off this guy.
My son tires from over-exposure to my wife like me. He wines. “Why does mommy always have to drop me off at Pre-K?” She does this twice a week max. NPR & Indy Rock drive him nuts strapped into his car seat minus my father figure veto powers in times of war.
Christine Blasey Ford was a runner up for Time Person of the Year. Michelle Obama didn’t even make honorable mention. I think its time for a new publicist.
Why wasn’t Anthony Bourdain Time Person of the Year? He was a writer journalist who died for what he believed in. That’s right, he trolled Hillary on Twitter for taking campaign donations from known rapists like Harvey Hair Clumps Weinstein, duh.
And where’s my nomination for Time Person of the Year? Corporate America has insisted on keeping me imprisoned under house arrest as a Stay At Home Comedian/Father of 3 because I’m a pro Trump truther prisoner of political correctness.
Why do my people, elitist Jews hate Trump so much? Either A) They’re hack writers who can’t stand his far greater Twitter following or B) They’re no names Sales Directors. Who might make enough to live in a building Trump owns.
You’re hanging out with Dave on Christmas Eve?
I never see him. Plus, he’s listened to 1 more podcast than you have out of 57 so far. Last, I can play socket puppets with the kids with your mom’s gift when I get back. Plus, babe, I’m Jewish. So Mass isn’t a Holiday Event to be checked off in my Outlook Calendar, no offense.
Divorcing my parents was a good deal for them. They pay child support in the form of Pre-K for only 1 out of their 3 grandchildren. Which is cheaper than minimum child support payments in Texas. Plus, they save money on gas because they almost never visit.
Daddy laying his foot down. Get away from my 40 of Grapefruit Seltzer. I’m not drinking IPA’s, wine or bourbon till your birthday kid. It’s all Daddy’s got left. Daddy, what’s a 40? Snoop Dog’s ho sprayer of choice.
All the talking heads on Fox sound the same when defending their belief in God. I’m better off believing. Who else who could’ve created all this majesty? My answer is simple. I believe in God because my 3 kids worship me like the All Mighty himself. Plus, they love to caress my holy, wise beard. And deep down I know God didn’t give me 3 kids to have a panic attack over it. Last I’m a true believer because my mother sulks as my 3 kids blanket with me love in her presence and my son hugged me after my dad sulked from me reading my DM from Richard Lewis.
Too bad the Macaroon has peppermint. Peppermint is a total boner killer for me. Although, if I was still single without 3 kids. I’d slam some shots of Black Haus for old school times sake.
A Vasectomy is like playing God or a Bartender who refuses to serve you after you’ve had too many.
A Vasectomy screams I’ve got enough knots in my back already. One more in my groin won’t make much of a difference.
A Vasectomy screams after this, I’m done tying knots with either sex period.