My Wife Sucks At Life or Death Reminders

This Is Us
3 kids in our bed on top of mama. I knock them off with a gentle forearm nudge. I start dry humping mama and say. Who wants a baby sister? Watch and learn. The pill makes me nauseous. Waite a minute, are you on the pill again? The End.

INT. ANTIQUE STORE
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Samantha Fox on the cover of Penthouse , 10 bucks, sold. And this headline. AIDS: And now for the good news. What, the monkey from Cannon Ball is clean as a whistle according to Burt Reynolds?

Friend generation advice for my 4 year old son.
Every girl will want a piece of you. But you only have 1 tripod. So spread the love and send some ricocheted lovin in their direction And you’ll have blood fisted brothers for life boy!

John Cryer as Lex Luthor is gayer than Kevin Spacey lunging at Othello in tights.

Podcast Refresh Idea:
I interview dead do it all dad comedians and funny man writers on the Do It All Dead Year Podcast. And claim to possess supernatural medium powers to do so. Declare myself the The King of Dead Clown Interviews.

My parents defense against not calling about the winter storm.
He hasn’t asked us about how we feel about the Arizona recount in our favor. Despite whatever sketchy, nefarious means were taken to enact the swing vote into reality.

Brokering a 2 state solution in Israel is complex. No it isn’t. Try electing a Palestinian Minister of Education. Whose idea of a “united curriculum” isn’t poems glorifying killing more Jews in the name of you know who. As an act of good faith for starters.

INT. ANTIQUE STORE
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Jessica Hahn on the cover of Penthouse, sold.
You can look up a porn star’s credits on IMDB. My ex-roommate did after we met 1 in N. Hollywood. Only a Jew from the valley would know this feature exists.

Brokering a 2 state solution in Israel is complex. Sure, if you claim full ownership of land recaptured & won by Israel since 1967 and sent your children to die as so called Martyrs killing innocent Jews because they’re the real demons in this equation.

Do It All Dad Tip:
Never let your 4 year old son crack eggs for you. Despite stressing how it’s all in the wrist like Kareem’s infamous sky hook. Or you’ll ruin eggs forever by tasting bits of chipped tooth conjuring shells.

INT. PIZZERIA
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Kids, Penne is like Anorexic Rigatoni.
An Anorexic is someone who starves themselves to look skinny.
Bulimics puke up what they eat. They’re basically greedier Anorexics.

INT. HOME
Wife
We have our toothbrushes numbered.
Arthur
I’m number 4.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
And I’m number 1 because all 3 of you stem from daddy’s tree truck.

Wife’s nurse friend laughs long time.

 

If I had a do over. I’d have 3 kids. Then, move to Hollywood without them for pilot season. Because sleeping in my own car like Andy Dick would be a walk in the park after your bed turns into a 24/7 Milk Bar for 7 years and counting.

INT. HOME
Wife
You got a fantasy decoration for our tree?
Stay At Home Comedian
Yeah, I got a Unicorn Strap-On to hang on it Nardia.

Wife’s friend laughs long time.

INT. ANTIQUE STORE-COLD SPRING
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
My friend Dave will love this old Penthouse with Samantha Fox.
Before girls with tattoos on crystal meth ruined the sensual allure of porn movies forever.

The Princess Bride is hilarious. Still, in the Andre Giant doc on HBO, Rob Reiner tarnishes it, saying all his lines were incomprehensible because he was a drunk. No, letting Corey Haim get gang raped by your buds in rape wood is incomprehensible.

Last year, my kids had more Snow Days than Germans have paid time off.

Plopping a Coconut Air Freshener in our garbage pale to defunkify it in the middle of winter feels a tad more matured minded than spraying myself with Obsession cologne after clam-backing in my parents Mazda 929 in high school but not by much.

INT. ANTIQUE SHOP-COLD SPRING
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Nice BLM pin. If I’m feeling frisky. Next year during the holiday season. I’ll ask you if you got any Millennial Lives Matter t-shirts .

Owner laughs long time.

I’d rather live in resistor Long Island City than have my wife interrupt my spinach and feta Omelet breakfast with our 3 kids through our Alexa app powered speakers playing Norah Jones prior. My mood inside went from serene to enraged violated in a NY minute.

My parents defense for not calling about the storm before, after or during.
We just assumed a stay at home dad would stay in as usual.

My wife sucks at being a life or death reminder meteorologist. Our SUV is stuck on a hill, All Wheel Drive is off, I got 3 kids in back. And I’m thinking. Not once, do I recall my wife uttering. Don’t leave the house today under any condition, even if it’s for a job interview, God forbid.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

LAST PERSON ON EARTH DESERVING MY SCORN

I hate to admit it but I’m too liberal with my screaming voice, especially around my 3 children, especially around Matilda, my 1st born. My best friend in the universe. I recall getting jealous of her wish at the mall once. I give her a quarter to throw in the fountain. I ask what she wished for. She wished, her old school Pre-K friend Cecilia never dies. And I say. “Did you ever considering wishing that your borderline hilarious dad never bombs on stage with an untested opener again sunshine? Because once the hole is dug, you’re like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill flailing with all of your might, in a coffin buried six feet under. And I never took Kung Fu like yourself to learn the 5-point palm exploding heart technique to use in case I’m confronted with another life or death emergency of my own doing, again and again.”
Last night, I’m downstairs with my wife watching the season finale for Always Sunny, “Mac Finds His Pride”, all 3 kids are asleep, so I think around nine. Then, I hear some slight feet poundage upstairs. I freak out prematurely. What’s new? And yell “go to bed” like Charlie from Always Sunny because he yells all his lines 99% of the time. And my pith perfect daughter replies in an ultra-upset perplexed state, “I was just going to the bathroom.” Talk about feeling like a total rageful, hateful, Twitter Twat resistor on the spot. Within less than 2 seconds, I became what I detest most. The yelling, hysterical, bile bully cliché incarnate.

I always stress to my kids the importance of trusting their gut to determine right from wrong. So, wanting to keep my a-hole enshrouded hypocritical streak from sapping it of all parental pride left all together. I dart upstairs to kiss my best friend on the cheek and stroke her forehead before telling her I’m sorry. “Daddy overreacted, and you don’t deserve to be yelled at ever. I’m so sorry. It’s ok Daddy. I just had to go to the bathroom. Stop rubbing it in, I feel crappy enough already.”

But is yelling at your kids really so bad? It didn’t work out too well for me as a kid. My dad yelled at me most when he coached me in basketball in elementary school. “Go up strong, stop jamming your fingers already, you knock-kneed freak. I don’t know how were related. Stop playing so soft. Who runs down the court on their tippy toes? I blew one hundred twenty dollars on David Robinson High Tops, not Jimmy Choo’s.” Or during Thanksgiving 1 year I recall my dad requesting with begrudging this is all my son has to offer bile. “Say something funny”, because that’s all your good for obviously. Would have I turned out to be less of an indecisive nervous wreck in high school on the court or off, especially around girls until I finally got to 2nd base summer after my Junior year in High School on a Kibbutz in Israel, if my dad was more of an emotive empowerer than a Screaming Nazi? I think so. Here I go again, using loaded Nazi language from the too liberal screamers on the left, using, reprehensible Nazi smears to silence any differing opinion against open borders for anyone who wants to crash our boomtime post Trumpian economy. No bouncers, metal detectors or dress code required.
Then again, I didn’t give my father much to emote about outside of killing it during my Bar Mitzvah during my Haftorah portion reading, which we worked on together. My dad reflects today. “Now your younger brother sucked up the joint at his Bar Mitzvah big time.” But my younger brother was always the favorite because he played football and that’s all that matters for my American Dad. You want not 1 but 2 girlfriends invited to your Bar Mitzvah party who you mounted during your mountain climbs during Wilderness Ventures, no problem, more the merrier son. Hold the party at a fancy country club in Lake Isle vs the shabby interior of the Reform Temple, normally used for seminars on “REFORMED WAYS TO NOT TOTALLY DISMISS JESUS AS FAKE NEWS PROPHET OF ANY KIND” Or other reform minded seminars including “HOW REFORMED JEWS CAN BE LESS ANTI-CHRIST.” But let’s be honest here folks. Comparing the wrathful tone of Leviticus to the PG friendly book of Matthew is like comparing Samantha Bee these days to Mr. Rogers.
The thing is my 3 kids, especially Matilda, never give me any real reason to yell at them. She looks up to me, respects me, cheers me, launches into yummy dances in honor of my veggie casserole supreme. Whizzing around the house with her 2 brothers behind, chanting, “best daddy ever, best daddy ever.” Just yesterday, my 7-year old daughter Matilda, Miss Musicality, draws me a complimentary Pinterest like Pinboard drawing on my computer paper of me teaching her about our 3 past General US presidents yesterday for Veterans Day. Drawing a guitar with lipstick on it, signifying her dad’s love for Poison’s C.C Deville’s guitar shafts in the video Nothing but Good Time. Who could resist? After I’m done playing teacher, which my daughter draws in crayon on her picture of me, “Dad playing teacher.” I say to my daughter. “Matilda if anyone at school ever says George Washington was a racist, you tell them he was the only slave holding US president ever to release all 120 of them. Plus, on top of that he hooked up all his ex-slaves with trust funds for their labors out of white privilege, I’m assuming. Which I can buy into 400 years ago as a living, breathing, oppressive, dehumanizing, non-Kosher reality, obviously.” My daughter replies. “But daddy, what’s a trust fund? It’s a paycheck you get every month from your rich parents when you get older. But it’s spread out over time to ensure you don’t become a coked-out, tormented degenerate. Who only hears last call from the bathroom stall for starters. Nobody earns the nickname Sir Snort A Lot for nothing.”
Sweet, Singing Rose Matilda. She always slept when I went for runs in her stroller along the Bronx River as I prepared for my 1st half marathon in Maine. Which I completed, hobbled with what felt like Daniels Day’s Lewis wart infested, callous hardened, stress attack of a sprained, club left foot for my final 6-mile stretch. Pure adrenaline and me telling myself, prove to your dad you’re not soft, pushed me past the finish line with super charged, kick start my heart, sober revived Motley Crew gusto. Then, I went to my kiss my 2-year-old son, Art Show USA after blazing past the finish line. Come to think of it, finishing strong has always been my forte assuming I commit to finishing before new goals grip my inner drive whole. I’m an all over the place, exhausting Aries through and through I know.

Anyway, back to my stupendous, high stepping, poor man’s prime time dart across the half marathon finish line. I dart right over to my beautiful, 1-year old son, Arthur Morison, most fuss free birth ever.

Been a radiant light of good vibrations and a hilarious undertow of sweet powered undertow ever since. So, there he is my beautiful boy. Who I want to love better and be a dream emotive empowerer the way I’ve continued to strive to be for his big sister and baby brother Samuel now. I lean in to hug my boy and my stiff, bore of a mother-in-law extends her stubby forearm and stiff arms me, trying to prevent me from embracing my beautiful, victorious moment with my baby boy because he was “sleeping.” I mouthed off. “You see the kids how many times each year? And now your playing concerned, all knowing, in tune with my kids sleep rhythms Grandma. I don’t think so Crumpet breath. Jewish Doubtfire over here don’t play that. I’ve raised my 3 kids no thanks to you or my mother for that matter. If anything, your granddaughter Matilda, is the best, present, involved Grandma figure her younger brother Arthur and now baby Samuel have. Whose wise beyond her years. She reads to them, puts on Hula Hoop Hip Hop shows with them, leads exercise routines with them, grabs nappies and a beer for daddy from the fridge on demand, no resistance, no I’m tired, no I’m not your wet nurse, ever.”

My daughter Matilda has been with me for all of the greatest moments of my life, outside of me killing at the New York Comedy Club for 1 of my 1st bringer shows where my old high school buds showed up. Best compliment I got that night was from a kid who hijacked my best friend in high school. The hijacker friend after the show says. “Loved your set and I don’t even like you.”
I never forgave my fake news, supposed best friend in high school for never acknowledging my John Candy biography book I got for his birthday one year. I wrote an inscription inside the book and everything. Come to think of it, I haven’t found the sub best friend to give such a personal, expressive gift to since. Until, my daughter Matilda was born. We saw Billy Joel for her 3rd birthday in Madison Square Garden. My mom warns. Make sure my granddaughter wears ear plugs. And I’m thinking. Whatever mom, we’re seeing Billy Joel, not Metallica front row. As a whole, Bill Joel’s music, especially these days sounds like lullaby music for eighties Republicans but thanks for your all insightful, buzz kill input as always.
I never want to be without my daughter. She’s pure, pollutant free sunshine come rain or shine. Yelling at sweet Matilda ever is like yelling at the Great Barrier Reef if you were a stubborn minded Atheist till snorkeling down under. Now face to face with pristine maritime, Genesis creation in real life, not on the page wonder. Incapable of refuting God’s handywork all around you.

You don’t know what love is until you father a girl and have your 7-year-old daughter profess how much she prefers your company over mama. Not that I needed any verbal confirmation of those deep rooted, feelings because I felt them within the depths of my core already. By the way sweet Matilda jumps into my arms after school. By the way, she strokes my beard but not for too long or I cut her off before I tuck her in at night. Or from the way, she snuggles up close to me at night in bed to do more Mad Libs and insist I use Unibrow for body parts again and again, if Buffalo Balls wasn’t used already in our new Thanksgiving Mad Libs edition. I felt the depths of my daughters love when we made boatloads of commercials on YouTube for my creative tech design staffing agency that went nowhere. But the commercials were smart, creative and very funny. And my 6-year-old daughter back then, required minimal takes to nail her lines every time. We called it Comedy Camp. We even got the Rev Bob Levy from the Howard Stern show and Richard Lewis to throw nice warm words of praise in this do it all dad’s direction. Rev sends me a direct message on Twitter. “You got it kid, funny, very relaxed.” What a compliment, thanks Rev. I didn’t score 1 group laugh from stand-up comedy in LA for a whole year almost 12 years ago. Hard work really does pay off. But you most always work the muscle. Either you use or lose it.

The thing is I let myself be bullied and pushed around in high school because I didn’t know how to defend myself with my brain or fists. As a result, I’ve become determined to ensure my 3 children, starting with 1st born Matilda doesn’t suffer from the same fixable fate. My 7-Year Old Daughter is already Kettle bell dense strong. Thanks to me pushing Kettle Bells swing exercise starting at 4 upward. This is my daughter fat shaming to ensure I give up beer forever this time. “Daddy, I’ve got a 4 pack. You’ve got a zero pack.” Plus, Female Flash’s one-liners are far funnier fierce than mine will ever be, thanks to her absorption of my funny leanings and teachings of course, naturally.
“Always save the punchline for the last word Matilda, say it with relish, deliver it with forward force style, zero hesitation, keep punching, never relent, “think good and will be good.” It’s not the size of the dog, but the fight in it, but chill out on getting competitive with Jesus Christ for the time being.” If I want to trigger my daughter, I’ll say. “According to the Mormon’s, Jesus Christ was the closest thing to a perfect human being. My daughter replies. Why daddy, because he became a Jew for Jesus? Isn’t that big no, no, in our Old Testament Book?” One night, I made my 1st homemade pizza using cornmeal for the base, with burrata. Think cream filled mozzarella. I topped the pie with roasted cherry tomatoes from our garden, sliced and drizzled in olive oil, ample sea salt and fresh cut basil. Daughter takes 1 bite and says. “Daddy, I know you really want to be a stand-up comedian because you tell jokes all the time when we’re out of the house and always make strangers laugh at the deli and coffee shop, but can’t you be a pizza maker in heaven instead?” How can anyone in their right mind, feel compelled to ever be or act annoyed angry at that?
I used to think using a selective screaming voice was essential to signify when I was really pissed off at my kid’s behavior because I’ve always held them to higher social standards than ANITFA for starters. But if I’m brutally honest with myself, I haven’t been too selective with my screaming voice as of late. And in fact, become guilty of liberal overkill use of it.
Alternative solutions to my selective screaming voice to express extreme A+ annoyance? Mimicking my 20-month-old Samuel’s manufactured shrikes of discomfort with mere mimicry works like charm every time. I literally mimic his wincing wails with exaggerated, you’d think an Alien was eating my intestines about now look and my baby boy laughs hysterically at my mimicry. Because I’m killing the pseudo tense, projected mood by making my 20-month-old son laugh. Mirroring how ridiculous his fake news freak-out attacks appear in actual reality. And the essence of laughter is a cathartic release of pent up overblown, pouty prissiness. Controlling your kids with comedy really works folks.
But the same managing approach applies to your employers also. If you mimic how ridiculous your Software Engineer sounds if they start bitching about shared Taco Tuesdays knowing, they’re free and the Al Pastor ones are a slow cooker braised, succulent delight unavailable to you at home because your working wife doesn’t cook. It will give the employee a needed dose of diva highlighting perspective in a NY minute. Our children mirror our behavior and so do employees. If a boss always talks down to you like a stupid kid. They’re going to act petulant, feel sorry for themselves, retreat into a little shell under their nightie and blame their boss for keeping them down instead of accepting responsibility for themselves. Isn’t it better, to occasionally use humor to reflect how childish employees or our children sound? Assuming under normal circumstances we treat our kids and employees with respect and hold them to higher social standards than petulant, heartless, serially selfish, disrespectful Twitter twats.
All I ever hear when I’m out in public is how good, sweet and well behaved my 3 children are. Well, I also don’t sugar coat it when they’re acting demonstrative like when my 4-year-old son, little Arthur starts ordering his big sister to play what he wants to play. In these moments, I’ll say. “Chill out Little Hitler. Nobody’s interested in your shitty landscape drawings of the Rhine River.” Nobody likes being called “Little Hitler.” So, nickname shaming your kids into changing their behavior instead of unleashing the selective yelling voice works also. At the same time, if I called my son Little Hitler every time, he couldn’t sit still for story time and insisted on pushing the blankets off the bed instead. The sting of nickname shaming him would lose the implied, sarcastic aside intended meaning behind it. You know like when no name putz breath guests on CNN call President Trump Hitler. Really, Trump is the new Hitler? In what Inglorious Bastards 2? And no offense Eminem but make Nazi Germany great wasn’t his campaign slogan. Trump also lifted the lifetime ban on Jewish membership at Mar-A-Lago Slim on Facts Shady.
A Famous old school comic, Victor Borge said “The shortest distance between 2 people is laughter.” So, is it any wonder how close I am to my daughter? Knowing how our laugh count among ourselves for 7 years straight is through the roof. As the most beautiful laughs emanate from my pitch perfect daughter onward and upward to Comedy Clown Heaven and above. Lighting up heavy hearted clowns of yesteryear like the late great Joan Rivers, riffing on Michelle Obama’s new book with Lenny Bruce, Bill Hicks, Rodney, Redd Fox, Patrice O’Neal, Greg Geraldo and Don Rickles at the famed Mount Olympus Diner. Joan Rivers says. “No offense Patrice, but if you were Melania, would you seek out advice on how to be a 1st lady from Michelle Obama? Like, Melania planned on rocking the Kwanza themed decorations for Christmas. Or had to rely on Michelle for fashion tips once Fashion Police got terminated. No thanks to that backstabbing bitch Kathy Griffin. Can we talk? She campaigned for my job when I was in a coma. God showed me the footage from above. And boy has Kathy Griffin gone bat shit crazy over Trump. What was she thinking with that hair? Now, Kathy looks like Clifford in Chemo and Trans Chucky had a baby. Joan lives.
The End,
By,
Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Daughter Upstaging Me Again

I read a lot of Airport Reviews. So my career as a stay at home comedian dad feels on the up and up. Gotta dream about future book signings baby.

Alexa, play You Lost that Loving Feeling. Wife says. Are you trying to say something? Talk to your thighs, not me babe.

Do It All Dad sanity preservation tip:
Never ever, ever, buy Goldfish for your kids.
They get everywhere like Cheerios and you’ll resent your kids existence for picking up after such eighties has been, never great to begin with snacks.

I’ll say it for President Trump. Joni Mitchell is overrated. She sounds like a folk singer parody in a Christopher Guest film. Who teaches Californian yodeling at Santa Monica Community College.

Joni Mitchell’s crackling, high pitched falsetto voice doesn’t age well on the nerves. Sounds more like California screeching.

Good Morning Alexa. How did that blue wave materialize? You’re not smart enough to play Wipe Out are you? You know because Mike Love of the Beach Boys actually praised President Trump for trying to help save the greatest voice of all.

Bill Deblasio let 900 NYC prisoners vote in the #Midterms2018. But President Trump is in favor of prison reform and lowering jail sentences for 1st time drug offenses. So I’m not as offended as I should be in this instance Big Bird.

Acosta should sue the president. No, he’s a pip squeak load that should’ve been swallowed.

If Jim Acosta was a comedian, he’d be banned from the Comedy Cellar also.
Due to his resistance to relinquish the microphone after getting the cue to wrap up his set on having to wear sunglasses in airports because he’s always on there.

Amy Schumer’s pregnant. Sarah Silverman is crying herself to sleep into her hoodie. Lena Dunham’s losing.

Jon Stewart getting heckled at vet benefit.
So glad you made it. I thought you’d be at the border.
ISIS vent viral under Obama. And now he’s a crack head.
You really know how to pick um Hebrew National.

Tucker Carlson’s racist rhetoric has created a frenzy against migrants. Whatever Blondie. Call me when you return to reality. Where Maxine Waters calls for violence against real loving Americans. Are ANTIFA groupies even a thing? Gross.

San Francisco didn’t wait for a DACA ruling of any kind since they declared themselves a sanctuary city once the term went viral, correct? But protecting rapists & murders, US citizens or not is mentally sound urban planning at its finest.

You can’t call march of the illegals, demanding entry into America after being offered asylum & jobs in Mexico an invasion if they’re only a 100 miles away. Sure, if they start backpedaling to Honduras like Apollo on the beach in Rocky 3.

I’m going to make a poster of acting AG Matthew Whittaker for my kids room. He looks like King Kong Bundy’s abandoned son with a colossal chip on his shoulder.

My 7 year old daughter’s brain on fire.
Daddy, when I get older, I’m opening up an obstacle school for grownups. With Monkey Bars, an acre high, floods, flips off cliffs, you name it.
My 7 Year old daughter preparing games for mama’s birthday.
Daddy, I made Tic Tac Toe with bigger squares, pin the tail on the unicorn. You can do some jokes about how annoying wives are Daddy. Without singling out mama specifically.

Int. Bedroom
Daughter
I read this book already daddy
It bored me to death, murderer.
Lock her up. Lock her up.

Daddy laughs long time.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Headbangers Ball VJ Ricky Rocket on Fox News Today

These Midterms are a vote for either Nancy Pelosi save me or the children cry. Or for money talks and ball breaker.

These Midterms are a vote for past its prime Europe or a clean and sober, revitalized, 90’s Aerosmith on the up and up again.

These Midterms are a vote for sober reasoning or CNN insisting Trump canceled Motley Crue’s appearance at the White House. Because Tommy Lee was too alt right for his taste.

These Midterms are a vote for law and order or else nothing else matters.

These Midterms are a vote for we’re not going to take it or the same old pyromania situation because oh, oh, Berkeley’s on fire.

These Midterms are a vote for nothing but a good time how can I resist. Which is a far cry from Dick Cheney’s Iron Maiden years.

These Midterms are a vote for revival of our paradise cities or stopping the youth gone wild from breaking the law, breaking the law.

These Midterms are a vote for something to believe in or more big talking.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Really Funny People and Judd Apatow

Dream Interpretation of Lady Gaga Falling In Love With Me
A star is born once I give birth to my parenting book Stay At Home Comedian. If I don’t terminate it in the 3rd trimester because my wife insists it’s a blue collar economy now.

Useless Younger Brother
You have to write some jokes on Alec Baldwin. I share. Zero response. So tempted to text. So me having skin cancer is still 50/50. I’ll take those odds over you ever surprising me with a zero agenda act of generosity again.

I’ve always been critical but Judd Apatow is a Godsend for making Funny People, his most personal film by far. It’s a very funny, pointed, heart felt film at its core. Politics aside, I love the comedy art he promotes and embodies so well.

I’ve changed my tune. F Judd Apatow for not being able to put his stupid politics aside and show the most modicum form of love for my emotive, heart felt compliment in his honor. Stern is right. His wife is super annoying in all his films.

Daddy, what’s the difference between a private school and a public one?
Feeling like a zero for not having enough zeros in your bank account to afford one in Connecticut Bush country.

F New York. I had the best Sicilian of my life in Greenwich, CT today. Plus, the Ricotta with eggplant slice. Didn’t taste like a ball of breadcrumbs or a plop of puked up Ricotta either. Marinara was spicy, fleshy and popping with personality boy.

Int. Home
Son calls grandparents.
Papa
Who is it?
Son
(Angry)
It’s me Arthur.
Are other 4 year old’s calling you on Sundays for Boy Scout donations?
Should we try again? So your embrace is less distant creepy.

Out of work music executive defending his stoner ways in divorce court.
My wife beats me up judge. At least on weed, it slows the action and I can defend myself better like Neo in the Matrix.

My impersonation of James Woods.
Had lunch with Oliver last week.
What else am I going to do?
Watch more #StormIsComing videos on Youtube?

Ricky Rocket from Headbanger’s Ball as a Political Pundit on Fox News
These Midterms are a vote for. Revival of our paradise cities or stopping the youth gone wild from breaking the law, breaking the law.

Me explaining what Eye Of The Tiger means to my 3 kids over Rocky 3.
It’s a stare which screams all business. It’s doing what you got to do. Like mama once a year on her birthday.

Obama downplaying Trump’s Border Order
It’s a stunt. Your President isn’t concerned with securing the border, legal immigration solutions or building a wall to keep out non-vetted undesirables. He just watched Red Dawn 1 too many times.

Obama on Trumps Border Order
It’s a fear mongering stunt. I would’ve deployed 10, 15 Hillary Audi 5000 Terminator drone models tops.

Obama on Trump’s Border Order
Trump wants to end chain migration. Why don’t you get Elon Musk to build you a time machine to go back in time and end the underground railroad while you’re at it Richie Rich.

Obama downplaying the Migrant Cavern at a Midterm Rally
It ain’t so bad. It ain’t nothing. None of you saw Rocky 3, did you?
Forgot I wasn’t in Mr. T country back in sweet home Chicago.

Obama on Trump’s Border Order
Trump hates the American Dream. Sure, it’s made him a morally bankrupt billionaire. But who gave you Obamacare, the Iran Deal and got Roseanne’s fat ass fired from her own show? That’s right, my live in Arabian Horse whisperer, Valerie Jarrett, that’s who.

Int. Car-Greenwich, CT
Stay At Comedian Dad
They own that pond.
7 Year Old Daughter
If we lived there. We can have picnics outside our home.

Int. Home
Wife
These chairs are made out of recycled plastic.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I bet they’re from Hillary’s Black American Express Cards because her credit with Russian Bankers is kaput.

Int. Home
Stay At Home Dad Comedian
You guys can play with these cardboard boxes outside. Make them into tent cities for rowdy Care Bears. Who try to crash your Hula Hip Hop party without an invitation.

Int. Playground-CT
Push my son on the swing. Woman next to me pushes her daughter. All I hear is Spanish from the mom and daughter.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Arthur, what happened to your other shoe?
All I see is Uno. Daddy is so stupido, doh, Eo, oh, oh.  Doh oh.

Int. Car
Merle Haggard plays.
7 Year Daughter
Why do country singers spend so much time in jail?
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
To prove their manhood because they all seem to have an unhealthy obsession with mama.

Int. Carpet Store-CT
Owner
How do your kids keep up with you?
You’re pretty high energy.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Instead of Sesame Street, I’ve raised all 3  kids on Martin Scorsese’s DVD commentary from Mean Streets.

What about self-centered grandparents Shakespeare?
“How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child.”
My mother in law adopted a rescue dog to get out of the house more often. Her 3 grandchildren lack the same gravitational pull.

Int. Carpet Store-CT
Owner
How do your kids comprehend you?
Calling you high energy is an understatement.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I raised them on AC/DC. So I’m whippets slow compared to Aussie wild man Bon Scott.

Int. Home
Stay At Home Comedian
Play with these cardboard boxes outside kids. You can make them into Roger Water metaphors. And accuse Yetta the Chicken of cultural genocide if you want to stay in character or not.

What about self-centered grandparents Shakespeare?
“How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child.”
My in-laws spend more on dog day care on a rescue than they do for their own 3 grandchildren combined.

What about self-centered grandparents Shakespeare?
“How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child.”
My father chooses tennis with Dr. Ken 350 days a year over getting to know his grandchildren on a bare minimum basis.

I hope Pet Sounds was written before Brian Wilson had any kids. I just wasn’t made for these times becomes an insufferable bitch feast to endure. When you’re a father of 3, knowing he had the Wrecking Crew to bang out new albums any time he wanted.

Shakespeare says hanging perverts has prevented many a bad marriage. What was that play called? Louie in Love with Lube, X-Videos Lost or Taming of the Blue?

Int. Carpet Store-CT
Nice Jewish Store Owner
Technically speaking, your kids aren’t Jewish.
Stay At Home Comedian
Because my wife didn’t convert out of old school yenta peer pressure alone. And refused to kick Jesus to the curb for me.

Int. Car
Daughter
Daddy, a magician in school created nature.
Stay At Home Comedian
Did he whip a Rabbit out of a hat?
Daughter
How did you know?
Stay At Home Comedian
It’s the oldest trick in the book but you made it sound way better.

My 4 year old son refusing to be depreciated.
7 Year old sister says. You’re not doing the hip hop Hula dance right. Younger brother says. Shut up. I’m doing it perfect. Pound salt Paula Abdul.

Int. Car
Lady Gaga plays.
7 Year Daughter
Daddy, what’s a Disco Stick? Is it a memory stick that glows in the dark?
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Or an unwanted prick on the dance floor behind you.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

Cascading Jokes On My Day of Rest

Vegetarians and Pescatarians don’t get enough protein counter punches for my kids to strike back with. Omnivores like yourself are more likely to get cancer. Increased hypertension knowing how much your parents mishandled your health isn’t helping you either.

In the brewery bathroom with 2 of my 3 kids. My 1st born is taking a number 2. Outside I hear. Who locks a public bathroom door? I reply. I got 2 kids in here. Take your Michael Jackson appreciation party someplace else

My daughter’s hilarious Mermaid deformity theory.
Mermaids are deformed and not fully developed women from head to toe because they ate too much seafood when they were pregnant. F you Louie CK. You wish your daughter was this hilarious. You to Rock.

Int. Used Book Shop
4 Year Old Son
Daddy, can you grab that book for me?
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
For Mr. Fantastic it wouldn’t be a stretch.
The puns just keeping pouring out of me today kiddo.

Texting funny to my friend.
Very proud of your sobriety bud. Natalia is taking the kids to the Bronx Zoo soon. I’ll be free to talk after I jerk off to mounting Pam Grier in Zebra print lingerie as an oversexed Zoologist.

What else are you banned from Daddy?
Besides the salon for my Hillary jokes. I got banned from the Comedy Cellar for going long because I was off to a strong start for once and invited my own caravan to attend.

I’m not 100% gay. I just never wanted to want to bang my wife too much. 3 kids later or not. What are my options now? Bang a German hooker the 1 time I had my wife agree to before we got married? Wear 5 condoms to extend my time in my occupied territory indefinitely?

INT. Coffee Shop
Older Woman
Your baby is the Gerber Baby come to life.
Stay At Home Comedian
Thank God I didn’t knock up Kathy Griffin instead.
Lately she looks like Clifford and Trans Chucky had a baby.

Int. Record Shop
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Simply Red. Just the shot of testosterone I was looking for.
You don’t find that funny, UB40? At least the owner did to confirm my raging inferno inside.

Give my baby boy a pretend jump back breaker in the elevator. Wife freaks out in disgust despite my baby boy’s shrieks of pure, flowing joy. You’re going to make the elevator jam. Wife shrieks knowing her precious boy is never this loosey goosey in her arms.

INT. Brewery
Fish and Chips arrive as 1 plop of fried fish and fries on my plate.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
My fried fish looks like a Knish.
Waiter laughs.
Now, my Limey Aussie wife is going to tell me I’m being too difficult.

INT. Bagel Store
Old Recruiter Bud
I got into sales leadership.
Now, I mange a sales team for a literacy technology company.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Kids use your platform to start off reading USA today in class instead of Sheraton Inn lobbies.

I hate Pizza tossers who tense around my beautiful offspring in their mediocre NY pizzerias. Your vodka sauce looks like brownish shit. Your marinara sauce is serviceable at best. And your Pinocchio nose looks like it got caught in a wood chipper Luigi.

Loved Joan Rivers on Fashion Police. Her story about Lenny Bruce saying they’re wrong, keeping her going after bombing for 2 weeks in a row was very inspiring for me. Still, her greatest hits on Spotify make Rodney feel the like classier, smarter, funnier act, sorry.
Madison Avenue is dead.
Some moron erects a billboard with KP and Durant saying “Make The Knicks Great Again.” Are you kidding me? Durant hates pushy, Jewy NY reporters more than 25 pound Kettle bell curls. Use your head morons.

Got the No Respect Rodney record on Vinyl today. Rodney was 43 when it came out. Which explains why my 3 kids to his 2 at 42 for me has produced such pressure packed gemry. Knowing I never had a lucrative paint sales career to fall back on in the 1st place.

By,

Michael Korbluth

Grandparent Bad Manners

Grandpa making his granddaughter reek of stale, shitty, discontinued Arabic cigarettes, ruining her April fresh smell only 2 days after being yanked out of mama, into God’s green earth.

Grandma blaming the broken AC in her car for not visiting her 2 grandchildren all summer. Knowing her husband wouldn’t mind if she sweated off a couple of tons from the waist down in the process.

Not having backup dog muzzles on your person, the 1 week every summer your 2 grandchildren stay over. 2 for 1 deals at Shoprite for Morning Star veggie bacon doesn’t mask how much this cheap, oversight bites.

Pushing your son to get a job as a garbage man to support his family because she views all Trump supporters as trashy, deplorable pieces of shit in the 1st place.

Showing up to the delivery room empty handed. Only to bust out the nice Irish Whiskey after the Eagles won the Super Bowl despite living in Delaware and hailing from Manchester England originally.

Grandma insisting your kids only release shrieks of joy in the designated, cramped playroom for the dog to chew on their feet. After chewing through its fucking nozzle again.

Offering X money for a down deposit. Only to offer half after an offer was extended because the glamorous Victorian with 2 acres of land dwarfed their Arizona compound shrine to themselves.

English born Grandpa complaining about brain overload from the probing, rapid firing questioning from his New York granddaughter. Knowing he’s an uppity, well paid SAP Consultant.

Grandpa hunting down his 39 year old father of 2 at the local Irish bar. After the 2 grandchildren were already asleep. To announce Grandma and Grandpa are pooped out and done for the night.

Adopting a rescue dog without consulting their 3 grandchildren 1st knowing they’ll no longer be the center of attention whenever they’re around with that stupid, hairless, runt of a dog again.

Allowing their snotty gentile friend accuse their son in law of not being Jewish at their house over Christmas despite him being the only 1 blessed with the funny Jew bone in attendance.

Grandma telling your wife to change the babies nappy. When she’s there under the pretext of “helping out” your wife suffering from Postpartum Depression. Grandma isn’t Trump either.

Feeding your newborn sugar water. Thinking your enlightened east coast elitist edge is still intact after retiring to Scottsdale, Arizona.

Grandma only getting her grandchildren raising son in law black gym socks for Christmas which would be considered a cool gift before Chris Webber’s brain fart ruined everything.

Grandma & Grandpa not calling their grandchildren bearing son on his birthday from Israel because they must have been hiding out in death tunnels with no cell phone service.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

When The Children Laugh

I should’ve called this poem “When My Children Laugh” because a stay at home comedian doesn’t get out much really.

And I don’t have as much experience making other kids laugh despite my propensity to deliver funny silly.

This Stay At Comedian used to live for adult laughter yet when the children laugh it touches you deeper forever after.

When my kids laugh, it grips my heart and pops it out of my chest like the voodoo doctor from Temple of Doom. Ok not my analogous best.

All 3 kids of mine have beautiful laughs of their own. Each one beaming with expansive, fun filled color like a new age hipster made Snow Cone.

My 4 year son now quotes me. Funnier dad, happier baby. Now that’s supposed to be funny Carol from LinkedIn, not maybe.

When the children laugh at your inspired ad-libbery, the comedy gods smile down the way they do at hysterical resistors who still support Hillary.

When the children laugh, it means they’re not jaded inside or in trouble of developing a rough hide.

I don’t want my kids to develop thick skin so fast. Because no age of innocence lasts.

I still listen to Hair Metal ballads of old because I long to touch the old with laughter. I refuse to fold.

Despite a mother who insists I dump my son off to daycare. So I can become a Garbage Man. Slinging shit for a living is some family plan.

No, shooting for shit isn’t my life motto. My 3 kids look up to me like I’m a comedy giant who hit the lotto.

I refuse to leave my 3 kids behind for a desk job in the city. Never writing my book the Stay At Home Comedian would be a pity.

This Stay At Comedian is bound for literary glory. F the stand up comedy roadshow. I’m here to stay. To do the writing I want, when I want in any which way.

My new friend resolution was to befriend an editor who can change my life for the better. I better get cracking on banging out those query letters.

Fight hard to stay at home writing in your happiness kids bubble. Where specs of grey in your beard are perceived as a comedic sage man stubble.

This White Lion lightens up when the children laugh. I must make a living off laughs because I suck at math.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

The Stay At Home Comedian

For the record, I came up with the expression Stay At Home Comedian. Before I heard Gary Shandling use it to describe himself in a standup comedy set. I saw on Judd Apatow’s documentary of him on HBO. At the time, I was only a parent of 1 before my TV writing break at VH1 Classic. Now, I’m an unemployed comedian/father of 3. So despite Gary Shandling’s reputation as a comedic boxer Buddha recluse comedy whisperer to the stars during his post Larry Sander years. Chances are, he got out of the fucking the house to entertain and do more sets at the Hermosa Comedy Magic Club than I ever did.

I met Gary Shandling once doing catering work at an art event in Pasadena, California around 2002. It was my 1st year of doing open mike stand up comedy. Of course, I  introduced myself. Told him I’m doing stand up and want to write for TV. He says. “Keep writing and you’ll look like me.” Always funny and kind, a class act till the end. God Bless Gary Shandling.  But he lived out his dream and got to give Gina Gershon a foot massage in the Larry Sanders show. So far, I had to settle with passing by Gina Gershon in the West Village with my wife once, making heated eye contact with her along the way. She uttered a breathy “hey.” It was like watching lost treasure float off into the distance with One Eyed Willy.

But this stay at home comedian tale isn’t about my non-existent sex life since the cumulative impact of 3 breastfed kids since we got married, have turned our bed into a permanent 24/7 open milk bar.  The other night, my daughter says. “Mommy, you don’t love daddy because you’re never affectionate with him. For example, not once do I ever see you 2 kiss.” Meanwhile, my daughter doesn’t understand how hard it is for my wife to get up for some good old fashioned, bed elevating boom, boom, circa 2010 during our falling in love sweaty sex period. Especially, when her husband fails to bring home any loot for the family for almost 3 years straight as a stay at home comedian/father of 3. Playing stay at home mom gets uncomfortable fast when your wife feels that you’re starting to strangle her too hard financially.

So what makes me a Stay At Home Comedian? Well, I’m a pretty prolific joke writer. For 3 years my open mike has been a social media site called Comedy Wire for comedians and Twitter. On Comedy-Wire, I’ve banged out 7000 plus voted on jokes by other comedians. On Twitter my grand total before I pulled the plug on my account was accumulation of 34,000 tweets since hopping on the platform 7 years ago after my daughter was born. Meaning similar to President Trump, whose overall tweet output is around 32,000 tweets or so. Obviously, native New Yorkers from Queens have no problem expressing themselves or ever run out of things to say.

About a year ago I did an open mike at the Eastville Comedy Club in Manhattan, good set for the 5 remaining in attendance. I open with. “Stop saying Queens is hot. It’s not. Compared to Manhattan and Brooklyn, Queens is the sloppy third Kardashian sister. The greasy one. Whose easy to pound at 3 in the morning like a Lamb Gyro in Astoria. Also, Caitlyn Jenner wasn’t asexual married to Kris Jenner. But I bet Bruce Jenner back in the day stayed harder longer, after he got Kris to cut her hair short. So she could look more like a dolled up Ralph Machio. I don’t miss playing basketball in Queens. One time, my brother and I are about to play a game of one on one. And 5 black guys show up on the court. All wearing wife beaters and jean shorts. Looking like they all got dressed up for Coolio Appreciation Day. Then, the leader of the gangster paradise coalition barks out. Yoh, blacks versus whites.

My asshole immediately tenses. It feels like my manhood was just shredded to pieces from behind. I lean over to whisper toward my younger brother. Black versus whites. This basketball court, turned into a prison yard scene real fast. We better look around for some Neo Nazi’s to protect us. We didn’t watch every single episode of OZ for nothing. At least our bump free noses work in our favor.”

Solid material I know. How do I know? Because if the jokes got laughs on multiple stages and the crowd really does know all. It’s the truth revealer similar to Twitter. Trump doesn’t win the presidency without it. How anyone doesn’t love Trump for ruining the Bush Dynasty in one swoop by calling Jeb Bush “low energy” and some “tough guy” is beyond me. Regardless of whether you’re intent on sucking off Obama’s fake news aura of pure good till your last dying breath or not.

For the record, my pro Trump stance has made getting an interview for any tech startup in Manhattan nearly impossible. It didn’t help with securing a job interview for a copywriter role at Vineyard Vines in Standford CT, either. Despite my wow worthy ad campaign for them, free of charge. “Old Money isn’t as money. Dress for new success.” Maybe, they know Vince Vaughn is a Hollywood Republican.

The resistance and mass hysteria against this presidency upsets me, knowing what raving, limited, lunatics its exposed my artist role models to be. Richard Lewis, Neil Young, Bourdain, Bob Segar, Eddie Vedder, Albert Brooks, Seth Macfarlane. Hillary Hammer Time Cankles lost. She failed to sell America on why Baby Boomer mom knows best. Get over it. Hollywood isn’t the main pulse of America. The thing is though, funny is funny. And Trump is hilarious. And I don’t understand how my comedic hero’s can’t apricate that trait alone. Knowing how that’s the one overriding talent that allowed them to live out of their wildest fantasies of being star comedians. Who have gotten to sleep with beautiful looking women, attend all the hottest clubs, fall in love, develop a band of brothers in the arts, own multiple homes, earn the respect of their idols and afford to own real estate in LA and Manhattan.

What are resistor comedians so angry about exactly? Besides your tits sagging popularity Chelsea. You really think Jim Carrey would ever work for free? You really think the world ever respected Jim Carrey as a respectable intellectual, larger than life speaker, an all star salesman or brilliant phrase maker of any kind, outside of alrighty then?

I wanted to be in this comedy club so bad till Trump became President. Now, I just want to succeed as a best selling humor writer who actually makes people laugh out loud reading. Who actually touches hearts and souls while making American family comedy great again.  I don’t want to abandon my kids for the road 300 days a year. At least not yet. I don’t buy the I’d quit the road bullshit if my kids asked to me it Charlie Daniels. Arsenio took a break from showbiz at the height of Coming America fame to look after his kid and he looks like a million bucks today. I’m 42 and still get asked for ID. So I must be doing something right.

So getting asked for ID at Target with my 3 kid makes me feel like a teen drop out from Tallahassee.  Whose LinkedIn profile title should read Crystal Meth Homemaker. I’m a joke machine now. I couldn’t stop if I tried.  Not after my mother says son. “Why don’t you become a garbage man to support you family.” Great idea mom. Then, when I attend career day at Matilda’s school. I can credit you for the brilliant idea of slinging shit for a living. Every laugh yanker produced by me is a win and I want to yank them out of you all.

By,

Micahel Kornbluth