Chapter 17 Summer Winds

Chapter 17

Summer Winds

When Joshua used to live in Hermosa Beach, on Monterey Avenue with a view of the pier and the mighty, majestic pacific from his stairway outside he developed a Summer romance, with Summer, a ravishing, tan beauty from the big island of Hawaii, who he didn’t give enough time for their love to bloom. Truth is, he got scared, one day, when she stood up on her perfect, petite toes to kiss get closer to the much taller, Joshua and made love with her eyes, which killed him inside, knowing he was unable to mirror such a ravishing, heart thumping gaze just yet. But he had every reason to be in love with the Chinese American beauty because she represented the dreamy woman Chris Rock claims who doesn’t exist who enjoyed Seinfeld, Wu Tang and her case old school Metallica, which is friend JT from college who later moved to Hermosa Beach nearby was smitten with from the start. They drank Pyramid Apricot bees by the beach, took romantic day trip wine getaways to Santa Barbara and had lavish Veal Piccata meals in Joshua’s Hermosa beach apartment abode while watching the Soprano’s way before the black screen ending, which would you make you think today, the damn Internet is out again, fucking cloud. At this time, Joshua was working for an IT staffing firm in nearby Manhattan Beach, which was great outside the fact Summer lived a tad father way closer to Long Beach, which was a schlep. Still, Joshua couldn’t resist the seductive charms of Summer, he had zero problem inhaling on the spot. She didn’t even enjoy smoking weed but would do shotguns with him on occasion in front of his friend JT, which drove him crazy with jealousy but got Joshua ultra-aroused long time. So, when Joshua had the opportunity to ditch out on a networking event in nearby Torrance, CA early, he took it. Actually, he had to wait for Rick, to give him permission to leave, who wasn’t owner the company Terry, nor his direct supervisor boss, so he bolted to Long Beach, into Summer loving’s arms. The next morning at work, Terry, the owner of the Thor staffing group, a hulking, constantly sweaty, bald yet distinguished grinder of solid stock, Norwegian descent from Iowa done good, burned holes into Joshua’s eyes with his all-encompassing, stare of disgust filled infuriation before pointing out how unacceptable his behavior was under his watch. “Fucking New Yorkers, you’re all the same. Where your does monstrous ego come from exactly? Rick told you stay and you fucking leave 2 seconds later. If you get wise with me and tell me it was actually more like a New York Minute I will rip both of your arms feed them to my father’s pigs back on the farm in Iowa, are we clear? I should have my head checked hiring another New Yorker. You’re all the same. The world doesn’t revolve around you. The sooner you understand that the better. Now get out of my face before I fire your ass and send you crying back to mommy and daddy to bail you out again.”

Joshua had to take it because he blatantly disrespected Ricks authority when he told him to stay until he gave him permission to do otherwise. Plus, Joshua respected Terry’s killer worth ethic and couldn’t get enough his farm analogies about the farmers who did well were the ones who woke up early and tended their land, who planted various seeds, giving them all the time love and attention needed to grow up to their full potential. Joshua was burnt out on IT recruitment after doing it 4 years straight without ever taking a vacation more than a night time trip and back to Tijuana, only for him to decide picking out a hooker to bang in a line to chose from was too much indecision, for his neurotic, more nice than always naughty, Jew boy fixated on dying of HIV prematurely could bear. After getting fired at Thor, for spending time on Monster.com looking for a job, which had anything else to do but IT recruitment, he started to do wine sales, focusing on the regions of San Fernando Valley and Pasadena. Now, he felt like glamorized Schleper, spending more time in the car on the 405 than he did in wine shops and restaurants actually selling wine. But he did meet anther girlfriend after Summer from Indiana, who also tasted great, especially ice wine in her innards from Lake Ontario. It was impossible not to think of this girl Melissa from Indiana, with her huge beamish smile, and mountainous, juicy, not too droopy round of mound, breast as Golda the conservative talk show host at the Jewy Manhattan Book Club, offered him some Ice Wine from Canada she picked up at a new wine shop on the Upper East Side, before their talk about Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrug ensued. The Jewish Godmother hunt had just begun. Summer also suggested she’d day trade while he wrote novels for a living in Santa Barbara, ah, those were the days.

Chapter 7 The Jewy Manhattan Book Club

Chapter 7

The Jewy Manhattan Book Club

Joshua’s Bashert, daughter agent, got a face to face meeting with The Jewy Manhattan Club in their 3 floor townhouse monthly meeting spot on the Upper East Side on 72st off Madison Avenue, only a couple of skips down the street from famed French Restaurant Daniel and the even more iconic Carlyle, known for its infamous piano, lounge bar area where Woody Allen used to play with Dixieland band uninterrupted even after he was caught stashing naked polaroid pics of a 9 year old Soon Yee, to tap for future story idea inspiration, involving some creepy old dude banging a girl half his age, in a prequel such as Crimes and Misdemeanors, the early years. Joshua finds very empowering to bash his comedic role models of yesteryear, insisting, the only thing missing from those 9-year-old Soon-Ye polaroid pics, stuffed in Woody’s top sock drawer was a shot of her crying on the cover of Time magazine. But since Joshua learning this harrowing fact about Woody’s secret stash of nude pics of Soon-Ye, in some Woody bio he read, his moral parenting stance after his Bashert agent daughter, Matilda, Shoshana Kornbluth was born, was insisting his daughter only watch Woody Allen films with him which came out pre-Soon Yee, so Broadway Danny Rose was still kosher in his book. At the same time, Joshua also applied the same rule to the King of Pop Michael Jackson, only allowing his daughter to listen to Michael Jackson music which came out pre-Jackson 5. At least then, his curated anti-pedophile play list rules, was black and white.

The Jewy Manhattan Book Club consisted of and older Israeli woman, Alte who owned a comedy club in Greenwich Village, Laugh Yanker Long Time, Ester, a fetching, chesty yet tall, striking Persian girl in her mid-thirties, who owned the top Silicon Alley start up recruitment agency in Manhattan, Freida, a Mexican Jewish, petite girl in her late twenties who taught the most popular soul cycling class in SOHO and Golda, a three time divorced, former Democrat, turned, syndicated, Libertarian, radio personality host who recently picked a war with legendary shock jock Howard Stern, calling him weird, weak Howard since his nauseating apology tour for asking why Robin Williams would pull such a slacker Gen X move and start banging his nanny behind his wife’s back, while never having to leave the couch .

They formed this book club to study the great American Jew club, but were feeling rather uninspired as of late. Michael Chabon never did it for them in the 1st place, despite his haunt free, dreamy, piercing, eyes, screaming, I’m more well-adjusted, less socially anxious, erudite Noah Baumbach, without packing as much crossover motion picture appeal. Philp Roth had his time under the sun, but cranky, pill popping, atheists of yesteryear writing books about Nazi’s taking over America felt more played out than Woman in comedy retrospectives on sloppy seconds Showtime. They tried to get into Norah Ephron but could give to shits about her self-conscious, laugh free asides about her hickey free, gay turning neck.  Norman Mailer trying to recreate the wraths of war at 24 when he wrote The Naked and The Dead failed to moisten them up for more droll, endless descriptions of modern warfare they could give too shits about. If only Gore Vidal’s wit, could’ve been rubbed off on good old Norman during their bitch spats on Dick Cavett show through sheer osmosis.  Joshua recalls the poet of skid row, Charles Bukowski sucking off Dick a little bit once, claiming he came off the least overt hackish, compared to other edgeless late-night talk show hosts who came into prominence aged before 911 happened and well before HIV went viral and Magic made it disappear, before YouTube was invented and Steve Jobs rocked the grandma jeans to work inventing Casual Friday, all by himself, without the reliance of his nerdy serf minions one bit. But now they were studying Ayn Rand’s book Alas Shrugged, which argues for man to use the power of reason to pursue his own happiness while refusing to sacrifice his shot at fulfillment in the service of others, which all of these highly, successful, educated, Jewy New York woman could identify with, all having to endure their laundry list of insufferable, boorish men, who couldn’t handle not being the lone big deal Manhattan hot shot in the relationship. The entire Jewy Manhattan Book club as eyes on Joshua’s Bashert agent, daughter as she takes another sip from her Chamomile tea, with honey and hints of Lavender. Matilda places her teacup on its coast under emerald green Tiffany reading lamp, composed and poised to pounce. Matilda pitches, “My dad, used to sell wine in Southern California, so he knows the difference between an old vine Zin and another overrated, dehydrating, highly alcoholic Cab from Napa Valley. So, you’ll know he can carry his weight in that Jewy Manhattan Book Club department.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Great American Jew Novel

 Chapter 1   Manhattan Is Yesterday’s News

Chapter 2    The Last Temptation Of Adderall

Chapter 3    Shoot For Shit

Chapter 4    Funnier Dad, Happier Baby

Chapter 5    My Foxy Brown Sugar Editor

Chapter 6   Jeremiah, The Kosher Butcher  

Chapter 7    Jewish Steel

Chapter 8   Miss Kitty and Internet Porn

Chapter 9    The Yenta Breath Advice Columnist

Chapter 10   Second City Envy

Chapter 11 Refusing To Go Out Like That

Chapter 12 The Desperate Deplorable

Chapter 13 The Spoiled, Sheltered Bum

Chapter 14 Fake Feminists Unite

Chapter 15 1.5 Million Jews Live in NYC

Chapter 16 Too Tall Jew

Chapter 17 5 Million Jews in Israel

Chapter 18 Practicing Judaism

Chapter 19 Force Feeding Communion Isn’t Kosher

Chapter 20 Playing Favorites Again

Chapter 21 Tears of An Ex-Recruiter Clown

Chapter 22 Fear Not Getting The Last Laugh

Chapter 23 God Gives Kids To The Lonely

Chapter 24 The Friendship Litmus Test

Chapter 25 Unplanned Fatherhood

Chapter 26 Do It All Dad Pride

Chapter 27 Born To Kill

Chapter 28 Killerset @Gmail.com

Chapter 29 You’re Boring Dada  

Chapter 30 Sustained Stiffage

Chapter 31 Ignoring Mom’s Advice Is Good

Chapter 32 My Son The Artist

Chapter 33 You Weren’t Good Enough

Chapter 34 The Only Good Thing

Chapter 35 Wrap It Up

Chapter 36 Giving Less Shits

Chapter 37 You Have No Friends

Chapter 38 Favorite Drug Is Work

Chapter 39 Gift From God

Chapter 40 Do It All Dad Does Kansas City

Chapter 41 Joy Is Not Bombing At Parenting

Chapter 42 Pontificus The Putz Speech

Chapter 43 Hate Speech Police

Chapter 44 Taking The Realtor Test Untimed

Chapter 45 Hear a Toy Train Coming For My Head

Chapter 46 Gimel Be Good

Chapter 47 The Great American Jew Novel

Chapter 48 Recruiting A Jewish Godmother

Chapter 49 The Great Kosher Cheese Steak Truck

Chapter 50 Hip Hops

Chapter 51 Thanks For Your Kind Words

Chapter 52 Loud Man’s Disease

Chapter 53 Low Class Long Island Hacks

Chapter 54 White Hipster Supremacists

Chapter 55 Mountain Of Muff

Chapters 56 Fucking New Yorkers

Chapter 57 Feminism Killed Pick Up Ball

Chapter 58 Limitations Of Love

Chapter 59 They’re Not God

Chapter 60 Gay About My Abnormality

Chapter 61 Dreamboat Nanny Wish List

Chapter 62 Missed More Than Mommy

Chapter 63 Filling Out My Own Father’s Day Card

Chapter 64 My Happy Jewish After Life

Chapter 65 Get Out Of My Life

Chapter 66 Unplanned Fan Favorites

Chapter 67 Sugarcoating Stupid

Chapter 68 Less Than Zero Money

Chapter 69 Sensitive By Nature

Chapter 70 My Husband, Not Interested Babe

Chapter 71 Sperm Implanter or Sperm Terminator?

Chapter 72 My Son The Garbage Man

Chapter 73 But Walt Whitman Self-Published?

Chapter 74 Was Balzac Unemployed To?

Chapter 75 Dreams To Reconsider

Chapter 76 So Called Separation Anxiety

Chapter 77 Slacker or Wimp?

Chapter 78 Waste Of Height

Chapter 79 Rise From Slug To Stud

Chapter 80 Made For These Times

Chapter 81 The Do It All Dad Year Hero

Chapter 82 Mother’s Beach Or Bust 

 

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

Crazy, Good, Dada

Chapter Titles for my upcoming novel Crazy, Good Dada.

 

Chapter 1 

More Commercial Friendly, Less Crazy Eddie

Chapter 2 

Art Sells Genius

Chapter 3 

The Great American Jew Novel

Chapter 4 

Advertise on Better Than Boobie

Chapter 5 

The Last Self-Loving New York Jew

Chapter 6 

Jewish Milf Godmothers Rule

Chapter 7 

Identifying With Upper West Side Cat Ladies

Chapter 8 

The Jewy Manhattan Book Club

Chapter 9 

The Comedy Gold Mobile

Chapter 10 

Stay At Home She Male Comedian

Chapter 11 

Sperm Implanter or Sperm Terminator

Chapter 12 

Taking Men’s Reproductive Rights Back

Chapter 13 

Convert for your Putzy DNA?

Chapter 14 

Kosher Cheese Steak Truck

Chapter 15 

Do It All Dad Does Lent

Chapter 16 

The Comedy House Grant

Chapter 17 

The Boob Doctor

Chapter 18 

I Love How You Kiss Blondie

Chapter 19 

Best Halloween Ever

Chapter 20 

The Hebrew Nationalist

Chapter 21 

Waste of Height

Chapter 22 

The Art of The Pump Fake

Chapter 23

Tricklers versus Rainmakers

Chapter 24 

The Letter From Hell

Chapter 25 

My Beshert Agent

Chapter 26 

Elitist White Trash

Chapter 27 

Pizza Maker In Heaven

Chapter 28 

My Happy Jewish Afterlife

Chapter 29 

Shooting For Shit

Chapter 30 

The Overgrown Garbage Pale Kid

Chapter 31 

I Hear My Bus Coming

Chapter 32 

He’s My Best Friend

Chapter 33 

Back To Hebrew School

Chapter 34 

614 Commandments Mel

Chapter 35 

Do The PTA Daddy, Do It

Chapter 36 

The HR Hack A Thon

Chapter 37 

The Company In Pitch Peak

Chapter 38 

Failing the Coke Challenge

Chapter 39 

The Non-Functional Stoner Club

Chapter 40  

Shylock This

Chapter 41 

The Original Super Jew

Chapter 42 

Death Stares On Metro North No More

Chapter 43 

Manhattan Is Yesterday’s News

Chapter 44 

8000 Hanukkah Gifts

 

 

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When The Children Laugh

I should’ve called this poem “When My Children Laugh” because a stay at home comedian doesn’t get out much really.

And I don’t have as much experience making other kids laugh despite my propensity to deliver funny silly.

This Stay At Comedian used to live for adult laughter yet when the children laugh it touches you deeper forever after.

When my kids laugh, it grips my heart and pops it out of my chest like the voodoo doctor from Temple of Doom. Ok not my analogous best.

All 3 kids of mine have beautiful laughs of their own. Each one beaming with expansive, fun filled color like a new age hipster made Snow Cone.

My 4 year son now quotes me. Funnier dad, happier baby. Now that’s supposed to be funny Carol from LinkedIn, not maybe.

When the children laugh at your inspired ad-libbery, the comedy gods smile down the way they do at hysterical resistors who still support Hillary.

When the children laugh, it means they’re not jaded inside or in trouble of developing a rough hide.

I don’t want my kids to develop thick skin so fast. Because no age of innocence lasts.

I still listen to Hair Metal ballads of old because I long to touch the old with laughter. I refuse to fold.

Despite a mother who insists I dump my son off to daycare. So I can become a Garbage Man. Slinging shit for a living is some family plan.

No, shooting for shit isn’t my life motto. My 3 kids look up to me like I’m a comedy giant who hit the lotto.

I refuse to leave my 3 kids behind for a desk job in the city. Never writing my book the Stay At Home Comedian would be a pity.

This Stay At Comedian is bound for literary glory. F the stand up comedy roadshow. I’m here to stay. To do the writing I want, when I want in any which way.

My new friend resolution was to befriend an editor who can change my life for the better. I better get cracking on banging out those query letters.

Fight hard to stay at home writing in your happiness kids bubble. Where specs of grey in your beard are perceived as a comedic sage man stubble.

This White Lion lightens up when the children laugh. I must make a living off laughs because I suck at math.

Michael Kornbluth