The Canadian Rapper Conspiracy Theorist

Chosen, a 28-year-old black Jewish, Canadian Rapper Conspiracy Theorist required a COVID vaccine stamp on his passport for an upcoming summer tour in the US after sending Kayne West a demo tape with banging, killer rap songs such as, Me, My Mask and I, F The Mask Police and Life After COVID. The problem was, Canada failed to distribute the vaccine to only 5 percent of the Canuk population so far, enraging even the most stalwart, diehard left leaning government progandist dirt rags of the far north. Who now ran harassingly hurtful headlines about the anemic vaccine distribution numbers throughout oh Canada such as “Operation Escargot Speed”, “Jagged Pill To Swallow” and “Flipping Out Over Florida”, because Canadian caravans emerged, leading to a massive migration down south to score COVID vaccinations within swamp music country in Florida to attain the digital proof of indoctrination necessary to work, travel or take in a Toronto Raptors game again, despite Kwai Leonard taking his talents to LA to make mumblecore magic for the Duplass Brothers in a bunch of NBA short films for the Bleacher Report, whenever he’d rest his nagging quads again.  

Chosen, the Canadian Rapper Conspiracy Theorist, prided himself on being a funnier, less sadistically creepy Eminem. At the same time, he’d write record reviews and mail them to editors at the Source in LA, the hip hop Rolling Stone, for his own self-published rap debut album under COVID house arrest, in Canada titled “Cosmic Chosen Perfectionists”, in true cosmic chosen perfectionist style while also proving Kayne West didn’t have a monopoly on highly stylized, ego topping, art rock, God rap either. Chosen would push album review lines in his honor to editors at the Source such as, “Please don’t compare me to Drake for a fake news black Jewish rapper’s sake.  I come from a line of hilarious Jewish rappers like Ad-Rock from the Beastie Boys, unlike fake news persecuted Chuck D on Anthrax’s Bring The Noise. Chosen, the Canadian Rapper Theorist had zero love for Good Wille Hoodie at Facebook for banning his budding fan page for so called hate speech violations after dissing some of his primo targets in his rap such as Good Will Hoodie at Facebook, ANTIFA, Michelle Obama, Lebron James, King of the Persecution Complex and Minnesota congressional rep Baby Face Omar for her support of the BDS movement against Israel and for referring to death of Amy Winehouse on Twitter as, “Something happened, to a beehive sporting, horn hiding, satanic bitch who exploited the great Palestinian Songbook for all it was worth.” Now, Chosen got banned from LinkedIn, after getting banned from Facebook and Twitter for calling Farrakhan a “Black supremacist, who trolled Elie Wiesel on Holocaust Remembrance Day with termite emojis from dawn till night.” Although what resulted in Chosen’s permanent suspension from LinkedIn was a truth bomb video link targeting the world’s largest resume database service when he did this gem sparkling bit, “This is my impersonation of Dr. Dre discussing the recent merger of Microsoft with LinkedIn with his former protégé Eminem. Hey, Slim, Microsoft paid 4.5 billion for LinkedIn. Eminem says, “Wordddddddddddddddd, LinkedIn is lamer than ever yoh.” Then Chosen adds,
“Eminem calls Trump Hitler, but he lifted the lifetime ban on Jewish membership when he bought Mara-A-Lago, Slim On Facts Shady. Never getting enough of his punch heavy, punctuated prose, Chosen goes in for the retaliatory kill against all the Trump obsessed Twitter twats and states, “Tell me why I should care about Snoop Dogg’s political opinions again? His brain hovers a notch below porn hood hell. Although I’ll still drink Old E if it’s ice cold at an AVN convention in Vegas. party, Old E, you know Snoop Dogg’s Ho sprayer of choice from back in the day. This was before Magic made HIV disappear, feeling exceptionally spry swell, for being an early stage investor in Dell. Trump is the anti-Christ. But in the Bible Part 2, Jesus defeats the Anti-Christ. So have some faith in the Jesus comeback story, won’t you people. I actually had to Google Anti-Christ. At the time, I thought, that’s what Pig Vomit calls Howard Stern in Private Parts before he became weird, weak, woke Howard. So how bad could the Anti-Christ be, holla, thank you very much.”

Now Chosen was about to hop into his Toronto’s stripper girlfriend’s Porsche SUV, whose name was Cayenne like the ride before their desperate dash across the border to score her some much-needed stripper work in Miami and much needed vaccinations to keep their careers and balling lifestyle afloat. As Cayenne, a part Haitian, part French, striking, six-foot stunner, hailing from the sultry Big Easy pulls her Champagne room spewing ride out of Chosen’s driveway, stops the car and says, “I don’t want to end up in COVID Canadian Jail Chosen.” How are we going to get past customs without showing them our vaccination ID, Chosen? I know you’re the best of the Beastie Boys all wrapped into one and were blessed with the funny Jew bone, capable of spitting out rhymes at will as if you were born to be in the perpetual zone. But there’s only one Moses babe, and I don’t see the Lord playing any part in getting the Canadian border patrol to part with their motion sensing technology on your behalf.” Common takes in his stripper scrumptious beauty, looking as if he could make love to her until his life blaster snapped in 2, and says, “Stop talking crazy Cayenne. We’re bound to Kayne now bitch. Plus, once I get that money on tour with Kayne, big tech, and the Canadian mask police, can’t tell me nothing. Worse case scenario, I get arrested, record a new album in Prison like Little Wayne and Kayne West makes a trade for me in 3 years when he becomes President for Jim Carey, after he paints him as a Chicago rapper conspiracist like the rest.”

Michael Kornbluth  

4 Jews Enter A Greek Temple

Gimmel, a high school wrestling star for Jerusalem High, turned professional Bookie for the Maccabees stands in prayer, lip synching some horse-shit prayer in honor of some half horse, half man freak Centaur, who also happens to be hung like an Arabian. Shin, the local tailor, adjusts his fancy schmancy Tallis like a stressed-out Rodney bombing with new material at Dangerfield’s and says, “Gimmel, have you ever been Hellenized? Because you know I have. How else do you explain my fear of getting electrocuted to death since Zeus jammed a thunderbolt up my wife’s snatch because she called the Goddess of Wisdom Athena, fake news deep compared to the Lord, our God, not the God of Loud Rain.” Gimmel elbows Shin in stomach and says, “Stop making me laugh Shin, you’ll arouse the wrath of Gelos, the personification of laughter, because despite his Greek God status, he isn’t endowed with the funny Jew bone to bang out room shaking laughter with either. Nun, a Kosher winemaker enters the Greek Temple after wining and dining a Greek senator who threatened to take over his family winery if he didn’t erect a marble sculpture fountain of Dionysus, connected to underground barrels of pricy Cabernet Sauvignon, which spill out of his golden chalice cup every other 2 seconds. Nun spots his friends Shin and Gimmel whispering to each other, lip synching up close near the holy side of the Greek Temple where the Golden Menorah used to light up the 2nd Temple before Antiochus took over after Alexander The Great died and turned the Second Temple into a headshop for Greek Gods, where they now sell bundles of Incense Sticks for 5 shekels and a gram of Hashish. What a country, Judea had become.

Nun lines up next to friends, Shin and Gimmel, engaging in fake news Greek God prayer and whispers to his old school Jerusalem High wrestling buds, “What are you 2 doing here again? You’ll get crucified if the Greek priests overhear you kvetching about you having zero interest in worshiping Pan the Goat Boy during the never-ending 2nd Temple period. But you have to bitch because we already paid our synagogue dues before King Antiochus turned our JCC gymnasium into a members only gay bathhouse for Greek senators to bask in endless leisure, admiring each other’s flappy rounds of mound. ”

Hey, the Kosher Dairy Farmer, enters the Greek Temple with a Chalef knife, whose incredibly sharp edge ensures a painless, Torah commanded, gentle as can be death for cows later converted into Brisket stew. The Negev Desert sun glares through the newly refurbished stain glass window designs of nymphs playing tug of war with Hercules cock.  But this blast of holy powered light nearly blinds the Greek Priest leading the service as the Negev desert light bounces off Hey’s Chalef butcher knife and refracts into his Greek God loving eyes. Which I’m sure reminds the Greek Priest of the time he wanted to poke his eyes out after getting black out drunk from a 3-day Theatre Festival in Athens, only to wake up next to Medusa’s sister, who rapes drunk, Greek Priests at will because in her presence, black out drunk or not, you become automatically frozen stiff.  As the Greek Priest rubs his eyes in extreme agony, Hey, The Kosher Dairy Farmer, with his Chalef knife held high in the air, yells, “Maccabees rule. We’re the chosen people for a reason bitches.”

8 days later, the magnificent band of Maccabee warrior brothers reclaimed the Greek Temple and turned into the grand 2nd Temple of old, without barely breaking a sweat, because the Lord was on their side. I bet you 8 million Shekels Hermes ran for the hills away from Zion, as fast as he could, refusing to give Zeus that message. Happy Hanukkah!

Michael Kornbluth

The Never Ending Hug

Dada, I never want this hug to end. No offense to mama, but your wedding anniversary celebrates the birth of our family together to. Sure, I was still in mama’s super snug womb at the time. And mama was barely showing at the wedding. And I wasn’t born for another six months but still.

I never want this hug to end. I can’t imagine such a snuggly, fun filled life without you in it Dada. I know we don’t have a normal family with you being an unemployed stay at home comedian and host of the Do It All Dad Year Podcast. And I know I give you grief about having a sharing banked account with mommy because you don’t make money anymore. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. I know your comedy train is bound for Benjamin producing glory Dada. Especially, if you start having me do more on your Do It All Dad Year Podcast than just intros for it. Can I get a hallah for some Challah? Funnier dad, happier, babies. I’m living proof of it.

I never want this hug to end Dada. Don’t mind mama. She’s got baby Samuel, Instagram and Arthur to entertain her. Plus, I know she’s not complaining about that super spicy Zin you got for your eight year wedding anniversary. I can’t wait to try a sip. Old Vine Zins are only made in America like Canadian comic millionaires like Rick Moranis, right Dada?

I never want this hug to end Dada. I know your new friend resolution is to find an editor to become the best friend you never had besides me of course. So he can become your most vocal backer, reign in your super intense, outrageous personality and make sure your humor book about modern fatherhood as an Unemployed Comedian/Father of 3 becomes a best seller Dada. If it sells, it’s art. I remember Dada. Can I sell our family drawings at your books signings at the Barnes and Noble in Union Square? I’ll use plenty of magenta and purple haze in honor of Jimi to make sure our family pic really pop like the left handed genius at Monterey.

I never want this hug to end Dada. You already call me eight foot 2. Insisting I put on undies the sec I get out of the tub. So the Chinese Underworld has less to see. You say I’m going to outgrow wanting to hang out with you every sec before I know it. And no longer give you unexpected pecs on your cheek in your writing office, my future room next year by the way in case you forgot already. A deal is a deal Dada.

So keep on banging out chapters and more jokes for The Stay At Home Comedian, Dada. I know you’re going to make it a comedic masterpiece. I hear your train coming daddy. And pretty soon you’re going to buy this town. And you’re going to buy this town. And you’ll put it all in your funny man clown shoes. That’s what you’re going to do. That’s what’s you’re going do. Happy 8th Wedding Anniversary Dada. But make sure mama doesn’t polish off the Zin so fast and hook up your better half already.

Michael Kornbluth