Hugging Old Glory Good

Hug what you love. My 3 kids do and hug Old Glory on Main Street USA with rushes of unabashed, patriotic powered delight. And it makes this do it all dad proud to be an American, in a country where my children are free to hug their patriotism around their sleeves.

I’m no Vietnam vet, but an American loving Gen X Dad who was in LA working as an IT headhunter, when “my city” as Walt Whitman used to call Manhattan back in the day had its twin hearts blasted to pieces.

My patriot act back then before raising 3 kids in the grand USA, was writing a pilot, Don’t Laugh, I live in Newark, about an unlikely, heavyset Ethiopian TSA worker. Who saves America from another terrorist attack by Too Tall Turban through detecting a known terrorist on the No Fly List through using a scanner triggering the sound of Jimmy Hendrix’s version of the Star Spangled Banner. The part in the song where Jimmy turns his guitar into an instrument of war, conjuring raining hellfire of bombs on top of the Vietcong.

But now I’ve got 3 children to raise in my abundently blessed USA, land of the free and home of John Coltrane, NY Yankees, Hulk Hogan, The Grateful Dead, Les Paul, the band Boston, Bill Hicks, Andrew Dice Clay, Don Rickles, Brian Wilson, Hank Williams Junior, Danny McBride, Charles Bukowski, Marc Maron, General Patton, Johnny Cash, Axel Rose, Nikki Six, Albert Brooks, Randy Newman, the Zucker Brothers, Wayans Brothers, Derek Jeter, Michael Jordan, Muhamad Ali, Walt Whitman, Chuck Zito, Chuck Norris, Jim Brown, Stan Lee, Kevin Smith, Bon Jovi, Mr. Rogers, the Beastie Boys, Dennis Hopper, Rudy, Red Foxx, Chris Rock, Larry David, Sly Stallone, Gene Simmons, Jim Norton, Jeff Ross, Patrice O’Neal, Vince Vaughn, Stryper, Adam Sandler, Joan Jett, Henry Miller, Robert Frost, Marilyn Monroe, Joan Rivers, Howard Stern, president Donald J. Trump.

Why would I include, Donald J. Trump on this illustrious list of American heroes dear to my heart forevermore? Because he inspired my children to hug old glory after I showed them a picture of our President doing the same. They say, a picture speaks a 1000 words, no amount of spin semantics and propaganda brainwashing can mistake our President’s love of flag, vets and fellow hard working Americans, free to exert their will onto this universe in the effort to enact their most deep rooted dreams of opening a business or providing for their family without being totally miserable into a glorious, real life unfolding reality.

I showed my children a picture of our president hugging an American flag with his arms wrapped around tight, exuding a boyish, young at heart, grin, screaming I love my country and my flag because it represents a land where I was free to pursue my dreams and make ball busting great again. A place where his scrappy, hard work was rewarded, to become everything he dared to dream into doing and becoming. Now, our President wants to ensure other Americans still have the same shot of doing the same. And wasn’t it the crack dealer turned hip hop lyrist genius Jay Z who coined the expression, “You can’t knock the hustle?” But knocking Obama’s lack of hustle every time to address a terrorist attack last summer means you’re a jealous hater, forever now, whatever.

In the car, earlier, I told my son Arthur, I didn’t want to make this chapter political. Son, says, “What’s a political?” I said, “Anything political is very opinionated.” Son replies, “Yeah, opinionated pieces aren’t as funny.” I reply, “Sometimes they can be, but I want to focus on more heart-warming feelings instead for this piece like when you hugged the American flag lined street in our old stomping ground of Pleasantville, NY in northern Westchester County. We were renting a home back then, we still have no money in case you’re wondering. But I got 2 books coming out soon and if I taught my children anything it’s that hard work pays off. I’ve decided to self-publish because I’ve decided to triple down on my belief in me. Also, I don’t want some “wise ass New York Jew”, as Randy Newman sang, to edit and water down my deep-rooted love of Americana’s stars imprinted on my heart forever. My last name is Kornbluth, I’m entitled to call out a wise, New York, self-hating Jew when I see fit, end of story, oh.

Driving cross country to Los Angeles for my last semester of college, was the most patriotic experience of my life, which I never saw coming. The surge in patriotic pride hit me like a battering ram as I drove around the Grand Canyon with Bruce Springsteen’s greatest hits playing as the perfect soundtrack backdrop to all the wonderous, beauty piercing natural wonder around me and my friend Aaron.

For the 1st in my life, driving around the Grand Canyon, taking in such a beauty spewing tapestry of sandblasted, orange hues and violet shades of red bursting color, it was impossible to not feel like I was in the haunting, holy presence of God’s finger-painting best work.

I also lived in LA for 6 years after spending my last semester of college out there, interning for a talent agency called the House of Representatives no less. I sold wine in California. Took many girlfriends to day trips in Santa Barbara because I couldn’t afford to stay in hotels when I sold wine. Because I was working on commission only and made enough money to only buy a dime bag but we’re talking about the sprayed kind, which tastes like Windex.

How can my various girlfriend getaway adventures to Santa Barbara on PCH up through the winding hills of the Santa Anita Mountains, to stop off eating the most delectable, scrumptious Tri Tip sandwiches of my life make me hate America one bit? Knowing I get to take PCH up through Santa Barbra for the most part, becoming at one with the mighty Pacific.

Where that lucky old son, Brian’s Wilson’s favorite muse, bounces, skips and prances in a scattered, flickering glorious light over such a breath-taking oceanic stretch of deep, soothing, soul penetrating streams of blue.

Now, my son’s favorite toy is the Blue Angel plane I got him after taking my 3 kids to their 1st air show. I had never been to an airshow before either. Just picture the parking lot scene of a Kid Rock show, but with more wide-eyed kids and not as much tore up looking talent from the nineties since Kid Rock went platinum.

I have a framed picture in our bathroom with my son Arthur and his older sister Matilda posing in an old school fighter jet, with real deal pilot helmets on and cool looking shades on. You’d think they were posing for a subway poster of a more child friendly remake of Iron Eagle for Nick Junior.

I’ll still never forgive my mother for never responding or even acknowledging the picture of them from the airshow. Because my mother is no better than Lena Dunham expressing the desire to move out of our country because they’re so embarrassed to call themselves Americans all of a sudden. After Trump won, I did pray for the Canadians to build a big, beautiful wall around the strip clubs in Montreal, so Lena Dunham wouldn’t scare away all the clientele.

Patriotism is taught at home. On Presidents Day, I taught my children this year how our 1st President George Washington, freed all his slaves eventually and paid them reparations in the form of a giant buyout severance package.

My children know about Lenny Bruce Live at Carnegie Hall and how his attacks on organized religion ruling by fear versus love was his God given, American right to do so, paving the way for the truth bomb hurlers who followed such as Carlin, Bill Hicks and their do it all dad naturally.

Every year on 4th of July, I bust out my original Dream Team USA tang top jersey from 92 for Christ sake before Magic made HIV disappear. That’s teaching your kids patriotism folks. Especially, after stressing to my kids, how Americans pride ourselves on our killer number work ethic compared to the world at large. And having our college players lose to Spain in the Olympics the prior year because of Alonzo Mourning’s faulering hook shot from 4 feet away from the basket wasn’t acceptable. But the legendary MJ, Bird and Magic were following the illustrious footsteps of other all star American Olympians such as Mark Spitz, Greg Louganis, Hitler middle flexing, Jesse Owens, Edwin Moses, Arthur Ashe, Carl Lewis, Sugar Ray Leonard, Jackie Joyner-Kersee. Can we make Usain Bolt an honorary American for the purposes of this conversation, considering his brash, super charismatic, obviously influenced by Iron Mike’s, big time brash bravado in some capacity?

My son’s going to join the Boy Scouts, next year when he starts Kindergarten, which is as American as Reese Witherspoon holding up a tea cup to blockade her enormous drooping chin on the cover of her new cookbook Whiskey in a Teacup. And it’s my God given, American right, to bust her balls about it her one facial flaw because I read once in a Kevin Smith word vomit diary book edition about how Reese treated him like a fat hack at some LA party in Bel Air once. So, fuck Reese, and her debutant, picture perfect upbringing in Tennessee. Kevin Smith is an American treasure who gave us Jason Lee, Clerks and Mallrats although Reese was a total bad ass in the Oliver Stone flick Freeway. So, she’s forgiven.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Making Bank Money Already

Wish I subbed my no show, whiny Jewish Grandma for a wise black grandma as her fill in for my wedding. Post an ad on Craig’s List. Tyler Perry impersonators are welcome. Must be comfortable performing in front of white audiences only.

Email Pitch to American Thinker:
Here’s, my last blog post, let’s see if your high standards of comedy are in sniffing distance of mine. My daughter as Miss America. Give it up for Miss America. Trump, keep your hands up high where I can see them.

Int. Bedroom
Kids are dangling off the bed before evening reading time.
Stay At Home Comedian
Focus guys.
Daughter
It’s fun Dada. Remember childhood.
Stay At Home Comedian
Didn’t have much memory rich moments with dad in between.

INT. BEDROOM
Son
Daddy, you’re naked.
Dad
I’m topless. Some strip clubs are all nude. You see full vagina and everything.
Son
I prefer no hair.
Dad
How do you know about hairy bushes?
Son
Mama
Dad
Big boobs complement it better.

INT. HOUSE
Weed Dealer
Hudson Valley news reported weed is being laced with Fentanyl.
Stay At Home Comedian
You really know how to get me in the mood.
You’re worse than my wife. At least, you’re not reprimanding me for my aggressive tone.

INT. GARAGE
Son
Can I change my name?
Stay At Home Comedian
Nikki Sixx did.
Son
When I get older, I’m going to change my name to Michael.
Stay At Home Comedian
You want to be named after daddy? Parenting does matter.
Got an apology for me NY Times?

INT. HOBBY SHOP
Clerk
We don’t sell drone planes as much since they stopped the registration requirement.

Stay At Home Comedian
Good to know I’m not only one paranoid about Obama trying to wipe out whitey by any means necessary.

INT. WINE SHOP
Stay At Home Comedian
Is this Cab dehydrating?
Wine Clerk
Dehydrating?
Stay At Home Comedian
Yeah, will give it me dry cotton mouth and Hillary guilty as sin triggered cough fits of despair?

INT. WINE SHOP
Owner
I still cringe when Trump speaks sometimes.
Stay At Home Comedian
When he get’s a tad too comfortable riffing on stage knowing he can wing it because Ron White lives in Beverly Hills.

Trumps mentally unfit, Trump’s going to jail, Trump’s a scumbag, Trump’s made your life a living hell. But he’s a loser, not you Palmer Report. Trump’s day so far, wake up next to Melania, with 4 billion in the bank, dreaming of Ivanka in 2024.

I’m still waiting for Leborn James to stage a fake suicide this offseason, so Jemele Hill can blame it on Trump’s rising tide of masculinity in the Atlantic.

Biden can make the old man grope a dope move great again.

House Democrats are heading to court to get the Mueller report. They’re like spurned groupies of JD Salinger, lost in the wilderness without the full reveal of his magnum opus.

INT. DAYCARE
Security Card
Sleep in today?
Stay At Home Comedian
Actually, was doing kettle bells with my son.
Then, we hit up drive thru dunkin for him.
Or else I’m circumcising his happiness.
Security Guard laughs long time.

I’ll give the resistance this much. Michelle Obama flapping with joy in slacks on Ellen was no cover up. How can you be such an authority? Because I don’t think a Tampon can hang that low. And my uncle freebased with Richard Pryor.

Obama told Tlaib, he’s proud of her because he’s demonizing Hymie better than he ever could. He’s just chilling, enjoying the show. smack talking, it’s hard to look this good, sitting on my ass, eating more Caramel swirl sorbet Michelle.

Rham blames “toxic ” Trump for Jussie hate hoax. Michelle bitch slapped him after his press conference to let him know which way the wind blows. Yelling, does the name Joan Rivers mean anything to you punk ass bitch?

 

House Democrats are heading to court to get the Mueller report. And then what, grade it an F plus? Photoshop yellow laced letters on top it spelling out KGB was here? 65,000 seal indictments, Trump isn’t one bitches. Resist this, losers.

Do It All Dad potty training his 2 year old son at the Stop and Shop bathroom.

If your antsy and you know it. It means dad took adderall on a Saturday during his ordained day of rest again like Andy Dick minus the career.

Do It All Dad potty training his 2 year old son at Stop and Shop.

Do you want to use the potty like daddy when you get older? Instead of your German Au Pair as a pleasant change of pace. Assuming, your marriage is bursting at the seams.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Resist This

My dad told the DJ to turn town Jimi Hendrix’s version of the Star-Spangled Banner at my wedding. My kids hug flags on Main Street with real love of country and anti-war songs, personifying descending death and soaring redemptive grace. Just curious but did Fake News Fro Kaepernick hug it out with Old Glory after the NFL cut him the largest unemployment check ever recorded? Only in America baby, land of the free and home of collusion tales with less legs than Lieutenant Dan. But at least bean breath twerp John Oliver got his Emmy’s. So much for my family friendly opener feel. Also, just to clarify Kaepernick totally sports a fake news fro. Have you ever seen a bi-racial afro so large before? Slash from Guns and Roses tried, and it was a total flop.

But come on America, how proud can we be of the 2-year-shame campaign against all the 64 million branded racists who voted for Donald J. Trump to become President? Only to learn more and more each day how the FBI, CIA, Silicon Valley, mainstream media and Rape Wood, despite the In Mueller We Trust Report, are more hellbent than ever in their all-consuming quest to silence and punish anyone who dares to call out of the evil wronging doings and coverups of the past Obama administration. For example, Obama nuke gifting Iran, no biggie, being a paranoid Jew again, baby face Omar I get it. What other Obama legacy accomplishments am I missing? Oh yeah, arming ISIS, JV mistake, could happen to anybody who was Senator for a day. Let’s not forget Obama’s driving role in promoting false narratives like “hands up, don’t shoot”, provoking a level of lawlessness and violence towards cops, never seen in my lifetime outside of a F the police video. Now we know big O did nothing about the Fentanyl epidemic, responsible for more American deaths than Vietnam because he couldn’t be bothered during March Madness every year. The messiah approved of all the spying on the Trump campaign, made possible by a FISA Warrant, based on a Russian collusion tale paid for by Hillary Hammer Time Cankles detailing charges of Holograms of Drago popping up in voting booths, demanding vote Trump or I’ll break you. Secret meetings with Russia to sway the election Trump’s way to ensure a 2-year pussy riot to ensue laced with imaginary golden shower tales without Chelsea Handler not being on the receiving end of it for a change. Is something you’d expect to see in a 1st draft spec script for FX’s American’s you crank out your 1st year at USC Film school on too much indoor nugget, Dr. Dre’s daughter or not. You don’t triple down whatever remaining flagging integrity you have left Jimmy the Hick from Nevada, Kimmel, howdy doody Podesta puppet Colbert, Uni Brow Maddow on perpetuating a Deep State, Obama directed coordinated hit job to remove a duly elected President of the United Sates in the absence of voter ID just because you were with her for some God awful reason and turned out to be not as smart, beloved and respected by what constitutes the real heart of America which hasn’t lost it’s moral sense of decency, fair play and good in general just yet. But all the “not my president” resistors and ANTIFA, Cobra Kai ninjas, Jussie Smollet enablers, certainly test our powers of forgiveness. Knowing for 2 whole years, all the power-hungry heads of Madison Avenue, Rape Wood and Silicon, snuggle soft skinned Silicon Valley have done zilch to speak out against rampant, unchecked violence against peaceful, Trump supporters, sporting the demonized MAGA hat. And peaceful Trump supportees doesn’t include the central casting cattle call of millennial white supremacists in Tommy Hilfiger with Tiki torches in hand bussed in to Charlottesville for SAG cards. Kayne West also sports a MAGA hat because it makes him feel like “superman.” Although Jussie Smollett is immune to all form of fake news hate crime incited prosecution so perhaps, he slipped the prop hat on when the cameras aren’t looking. Telling himself in the mirror, I can free style like Kayne with this hat on. I’ll pass on the porcupine puss of course but I wouldn’t have minded the skills to record Otis with Jay Z at the Mercer or do anything with Lou Reed waiting for my man. Who auditioned for the part of Obama’s estranged Kenyan brother on Empire, who in the b storyline is trying to blackmail the President with sex tapes involving him and Erykah Badu in drag.

Nobody talks about the deliberate, sick, peddling of lies about our US President, who works free in the pursuit to make America safe and prosperous for all Americans again. And how all this fake news, intentionally misleading talk of being a Russian puppet of the Kremlin has torched lifelong friendships, marriages and business associate relationships into an omnipresent inferno swoop. Don’t even get me started on my inability to secure interviews for recruiter or copywriting roles in my hometown of NY once someone in HR peaks at my pro Trumpian Twitter feed, my chest. And I’ve written for Viacom twice. Plus, 5 thousand plus direct connections on LinkedIn amassed from my new business development IT headhunting years prove I’m no GenX slacker in a headset either. I wrote the speech of my life calling Doing You for a part time writer teacher job at a Charter School in Harlem, faxed the monster, cost 35 bucks, no response whatsoever. Just to be clear, I’m not making excuses for being an unemployed stay at home comedian dad, or else I’m worse than Hillary. No, I’m simply stating a matter of fact, which is anyone who dares to call out the fascist, speech controlling overlords at Google, Apple and good will hoodie at Facebook or Rape Wood who still have lofty entertainment ambitions pay the price of ostracization, end of story. Knowing the opposition has invested all their power, ego, money and remaining brain cells left to punishing and belittling all Trumpian supporters on social media, within the field of public opinion, in the form of fists of fury to your face at Berkley or where it hurts the most, in your depleted bank account, as you struggle to be the provider big man you’ve fought so hard to be for your growing family of 5 in this age of the Trumpian kiss ass resistance.

I’m not shutting up now, knowing all along this Trump Train was bound for glory and neither should you. History will reward us for picking the side of good and for recognizing pure evil when it’s jammed down our throats for 2 years straight at nauseum. Is POTUS my best friend? No, could it help if he retweeted a recommendation of my upcoming book of #shadowbanned jokes, Stay at Home Comedian, out July 4, 2019. Does Jussie Smollet have a soul left to sell? Thank you, Mr. President, for making unapologetic love of our spat on flag, discarded vets, belittled capitalistic fighter might and suppressed brash in your face expressiveness against self-serving elitist scumbags great again. You truly are the American’s people champion. Have I earned my book plug yet? Just think of how much it would piss Michael Savage off.  Hugging it out means making peace by showing a spec of self awareness for the blatantly unnecessary damage your insufferable arrogance has produced.  I’m not holding my breath. Resist this.
The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Hate Is Good

Life – the way it really is – is a battle not between Bad and Good but between bad and worse. Joseph Brodsky
CEO Apple Tim Cook says “hate and division” have no place on his platform. Because I’m sure if Apple owned LinkedIn, they’d ban all IT recruiter hate speech in a nano- second. Because IOS developers who work for Apple love being hit on by dumb jocks recruiters at work, who played Lacrosse at Penn State. Knowing no noise cancellation headphone phones could ever tune out the muffled, maudlin cry of their scar tissue shrouded teenage hearts.
Hate and division have no place on I-Tune’s Platform. Then, why is Bill Hicks entire stand-up comedy library still available on it? Bill Hicks, the greatest standup of his generation oozed hate because the majority of America didn’t recognize his awesome hilariousness. Only after getting sober and moving to England did Bill Hicks get the extreme praise he deserved. But hatred for being a single, unknown, paid road comic clown who could out funny think George Carlin any day of the week wasn’t bothered by his lack of mainstream success one bit. Bill Hicks was just peachy about David Brenner doing Carson 5 million times from free riff, non-establishment airplane humor compared to his bit on abortion protestors on Letterman. Which never made it past CBS advertisers. Who killed any shot of the bit making Bill Hick’s career come to life on Letterman after all.
Hate is what made Bill Hick’s material great. George Bernard Shaw, Nobel Prize winner for Literature last time I checked, said, “Nothing is funnier than unhappiness.” Just to be clear, I don’t toss around the word hate lightly. I explain to my 7-year-old daughter Matilda what hatred means to daddy over breakfast this morning. Because I overshare too much and hold my daughter to a higher social standard than ANTIFA.
I talk to my daughter Matilda and down to her. And do everything in my power to develop Matilda’s own expressive confidence in her own ideas. So, she doesn’t flee for LA at 17 and regress into a Fallen Angel content with finding somebody to just love her body alone because I made her feel her brain was never enough to keep dada’s attention in the 1st place.
As my daughter takes a bite of Stew Leonard’s Chocolate Chip toaster made waffle. I test out my new premise on her.
“Don’t let anyone tell you different Matilda. Hate is good. How else would you know how much you hate Agave Syrup if you never tasted pure Maple Syrup from Vermont?”
She replies. “I agree daddy. Hate is good. Because without hate, I’d never realize how much I love my teachers reading voice over yours. Especially, after you read me direct quotes from boring Nobel Prize winners like Joseph Brodsky. Mrs. Donofrio’s reading is way more interesting because she assumes the personalities of the different characters, she reads to us about. Can you please just read me some of your jokes instead? But spare me more jokes. Where you have to explain what Private Equity, Firms do and who the Illuminati is in order to understand the joke, thanks. But how is hate good again dada? Untangle my brain for me please.

I reply. “Hate is anger, filled annoyance or outright sheer, heart enraging disgust. For example, Daddy learning from mama about Baba picking out only pillows from Pottery Barn for Arthur’s birthday gift registry because they’re the cheapest items on it. And daddy hates it when your younger brother continues to receive second rate gifts on his birthday from Baba. Especially knowing how Arthur was born on New Year’s Day. So, Baba unloads her cheapness into one combined Christmas Birthday Pillow gift for him without losing any sleep over it.
Is hate and division the reason my Do It All Dad Year Podcast never made it on I-Tune’s new and notable Tim? Was I being divisive when I kidded on my podcast about how I took offense to my wife calling me sexist for making fun of Chelsea Clinton? Because she’s not even ugly anymore. Or was I hater for insisting Chelsea Handler is a way bigger Twitter twat than Alyssa Milano. Who became a full-time social justice warrior to deflect attention away from her tits sagging popularity. Joan lives.
Peter Fonda stated fantasies of Baron Trump being raped in a cell on Twitter, yet he never got his account suspended, paging fake news moralist Twitter CEO, Jack Dorsey. So, is it really hate speech to call Peter Fonda a burnout has been? Whose been in permanent meltdown mode since America as a whole decided Baby Boomer Mom, Hillary doesn’t know best. Is it hateful to point out how Hillary Hammer Time Cankles lost touch with the working man by taking 5 times to get her Metro Subway card to work? By the 5th swipe, Hillary gives herself a pep talk. “No more coughing fits of nervousness. Black people are watching. You can do it.”
I know I’m not the only one who hates the moral grandstanding, hypocritical nature of the big three, Apple, Twitter and Facebook in relation to being so called protectors of hate speech. Farrakhan has an app on the I-Tunes store Tim. You know the class act who calls all Jews termites and hailed Hitler as a “great man.” But my dad friendly, Do It All Dad Year podcast is considered hate speech because I claim the Swastika looks like 2 gay Nazi stick figures in a 69 on crystal meth?
I worked as an IT headhunter for the majority of my young adult life. But without hating my parasite existence. Feasting off the bankable brain talent of others. I never would’ve latched on to writing scripts, blogs and jokes as a means to achieve independence from such a thankless, time wasting, non-builder existence.

Hate is good because if I didn’t have the experience of trying to launch my own creative tech staffing agency from home after getting fired from Robert Half. I never would’ve realized I hated relinquishing so much control over my destiny to unproven, douchebag tech founders. Who on LinkedIn are only searchable under the name Diesel. Which is more tailor made for standalone placement of a license plate on a tricked-out Honda in Daytona Beach.

Hate is good because it reveals the root of your misery. 9 out of 10 Stay at Home Dads want out of the house if someone looks past their gaps of wrath. Because they’ve grown to hate being a dependent, talked down to, house maid bitchy boy. Because no matter how progressive minded, or evolved workings moms proclaim to be. There reaches a resentment point in the relationship. Where the working moms dismiss their stay at home shemale hubs as mere dead weight. Because working moms tire of having to lean in and do all the money making themselves. Plus, the working mom is less risk averse in the bedroom when stay at home dad is choking her too hard financially already.

Hate is good because it forces the stay at home dad to become best friends with self-awareness. Which helps stay at home dad determine a course of action to ensure less of the same old shit. In my case, I’ve decided to write a best-selling parenting book about how Stay at Home Dads get no respect because Rodney Dangerfield would’ve insisted on it. Plus, Rodney didn’t relaunch his standup comedy career and become committed to making a career off his standup till he was 43. At 42, I’ve chosen to innovate or die as big deal 1st time author through my fatherhood book debut, Stay at Home Comedian, Controlling My Kids with Comedy, How 3 Kids Got My Act Together.
Prior, to going all in on his stand-up comedy career, Rodney sold aluminum siding to feed and care for his family. I used to peddle and sell the brain power of IT nerds for a living. Rodney stockpiled jokes in duffle bags during his aluminum siding sales years. Whereas, I stashed my material onto my do it all dad year podcast and now blog. But Rodney needed a home base to test new material after being offered a residency in Vegas. Because Rodney wanted to be an involved, around do it all dad for his daughter in Manhattan.
Rodney didn’t have a real affectionate relationship with his dad. So, he pursed the love from strangers for a living. My dad hasn’t called me on my birthday for 2 years straight. Plus, the last time I celebrated by birthday in Arizona with my parents. My dad’s shoulders collapsed in unison as I went in for a birthday hug. So, I can identify with the caring compulsion to connect, move and entertain strangers with my comedy and writing similar to Rodney. But without hate introducing me to my new pal Mr. Self-Awareness. Resulting from learning how much I hated having an identify defined by making a living off the talent of others as an IT recruiter. I never would’ve been propelled down this path of independence from the man and gone into business for myself as book author on rise, in charge of my own destiny, self-published or not.

Hate is good because it instructs you on what people to avoid, especially your past degenerate, druggy, reckless self. Who paid the price by contracting foot fungus from stepping foot into the showers of LA Fitness in West Hollywood barefoot one too many times.

Hate is good because becoming comfortably numb doesn’t look like an attractive alternative when Pink overdoses from Heroin induced indifference during the rendition of Hey You in Pink Floyd the Wall.

Hate is good because it’s a killer motivator for exacting, follow through, all encompassing revenge in Kill Bill 1 and 2.

Hate is good because it pushes your imagination to produce misery eliminating alternatives such as resisting the desire to ever express a pro Trump sentiment in your household again. Especially when your wife’s remaining friends are over.

Hate is good because it forces you to work harder at being more impressive than your edgeless competition. Who uses his wife to punch up his jokes about his proud defense of McDonald’s for him.

Hate is good because it emancipates you from bad habits such as clogging up your brain with too much dull braining resin fumes from your cherished ex one hitter. Because now you care more about being getting high off your kids’ company as a best-selling author instead. Officially, closing the chapter off your IT recruiter past for good. Proving to yourself, you’re no longer a mere schmuck in a headset. Which isn’t as bad as unemployed stay at home comedian.

The End,
By,
Michael Kornbluth

Media is Good, Trump is Bad

Father-In-Law
People normally gravitate to me.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
You work in IT for a living. Anyone with a pulse is the Howard Stern of cooler talk, no offense.

Ungrown flowers must be way cheaper than grown ones because they’re the only ones my mother-in-law buys for us. They look like flowers who’ve never been circumcised. And are just as gross & anti-climatic to take in.

My In-Law’s Nazi dog barks at me again. I say. What’s wrong Heidi Himmler? Do I smell like too much Matzo Ball Soup for your taste?

When your Mother-In-Law doesn’t match your goodbye. It means her fat ass resents you rubbing in how successful her sister’s daughter’s husband is as an architect in Manchester England compared to your non-billable podcast blogger career.

Calling Hudson Dermatology. I was calling to confirm my
appointment to learn whether my finger has skin cancer or warts from being too loose with girls in LA in my 20’s. Last name
Kornbluth yet I’m sure my big Jew mouth was a dead giveaway already.

Mother-In-Law
Lots of people were stuck in the snow.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
But those people aren’t your 3 grandchildren and me.
So I could give 3 shits about your bullshit sense of empathy like the way you describe all Arabs as Middle Eastern.

Younger Brother
My job is bleeding into my social life.
Mom thought I was going to quit my job over it.
Older Brother
I’m sure mom stressed how important it is for you to feel like a big shot in all spheres of your life.

Wife
You’re really edgy around my parents.
Husband
Your mom is an unhugable cunt. Her insistence on acting like she’s too good to compete on Top Baker doesn’t do her any favors either. But I thought the dog got her more active.

Wife
You’re really edgy around my parents.
Husband
Only around your mom actually  All she’s good for is bagels and a cake once a year for the kids birthdays. Plus, she hates how happy the kids are around with me without her assistance.

Husband
Your mom didn’t match my goodbye.
Wife
She was just mesmerized by baby Samuel.
Husband
Her fat ass was plopped on the couch.
Holding hands with your dad.
To show a CNN tie of solidarity.

When your mother-in-law doesn’t match your goodbye. It means her feelings are bruised for you demonizing her precious, all truth unearthing, zero divisive agenda driving media.

Wife
You can’t talk politics the day before my birthday.
Husband
Your friends and dad bring up how everyone needs to be nice and stop being so divisive. Like your mom knew what the fucking midterms were 8 years ago. Neither did I but still.

Younger Brother
Got engaged. I’m marrying Jane more for her than me.
Plus, she’s the only girl I’ve been with who I don’t want to cheat on.
Older Brother
You sound like a bitter free, lust conquering, slut in a straight jacket already.

 

Converted Wife
I abandoned my relationship with my lord and savior for a putzy Jew from the Bronx like you, smutz slacks. At least, Jesus is handy with a hammer. He could convert our Christmas Tree into a Tree House and have his cousin Saul flip for a profit.

Int. Pharmacy
Pharmacist
80 bucks now, 250 moving forward.
Stay at Home Comedian Dad
So much for this Caravan driving down the price of pharmaceuticals.
No wonder anyone lobbying for lower drugs prices gets iced. Bullworth was on to something.

So sick of anyone who takes offense to demonizing the precious media. Who sat on the Harvey Hair Clumps Weinstein story forever. The same media who compares Trump to Hitler. Who would never dare call Obama a measured Farrakhan with a Teleprompter.

Trump should just hire Jeff Ross to roast Jim Acosta. What are you exactly? Because you’re not suave enough to be a Cuban spy. Does CNN just shove a mike in the hands of anyone with good hair? Who doesn’t look too Tommy Lee Alt-Rightish.

Ivanka locked up is a sexy image. I get it. But it’s not happening resistors. Plus, I don’t think she’s getting fired.  Also, let’s not act like she got caught sending personal emails to YourMamaObama@gmail.com either.

Father-In-Law
The US was never this divisive.
Stay at Home Comedian
If you don’t see how CNN, Facebook or Obama isn’t the instigator of such hysterical, blatantly divisive rhetoric, then you’re the tone deaf, blind old man at sea gone sailing.

Mother-In-Law
Samuel’s had a snotty nose before.
Stay At Home Dad
Don’t act like you’ve had a front row view from day 1, for 2 years straight now Facebook Grandma. But your sister got him nice PJ’s in England. Good for you.

INT. HOME-MORNING
Mother In Law
We don’t have a car seat.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Why would you? Since you granted your rescue dog squatter residence. Only after the birth of your 3 grandchildren no less.

Am I the only 1 pissed off about the Obama’s being a billion dollar brand now? Knowing Obama is an ex-civil servant. And done nothing but smirk and talk consistent shit about his replacement ever since. After sanctioning spying on Trump Tower no less.

But seriously, am I the only 1 pissed off about the Obama’s being glorified for being a billion dollar brand now? Knowing Obama is an ex-civil servant not belonging to the Skulls and Bones last time I checked. On top of being radio silent on Trump lead prison reform affecting inner city kids the most in his sweet home Chicago?

I questioned why we gave billions to Pakistan in my pilot, Don’t Laugh, I Live In Newark. About a fat Ethiopian TSA Worker who saves the day. Also, the Hillary oh gosh reaction shot lacked her trademark Terminator stiffness. Or maybe it’s just me.

Trump should hire Van Jones to replace Betsy Devos as the Head of Education. A handsome black man would be a more invested champion of “due process” for brothers charged of rape and aggressive eyeballing and lip licking at the club.

But if Karl Rove can be bi-partisan. He pushed W to run for President. He was America’s fuck up enabler. Shut up already. You’re just embarrassing yourself. Latching any veneer of goodness to that evil turd is like saying John Podesta is good with kids.

My dads defense for never getting a tree in our home for my mom who converted. When Jews look at a Christmas Tree, they see a Camouflaged Cross. Like a topless, Collared Priest in Khaki shorts at Action Park. It gives me the creeps alright.

I’m so sick of hearing how divisive our country has become. Prefaced with the implied assertion it’s all Trump’s fault. When half the US normalizes ANTIFA, voter fraud, Nazi smears, witch hunts & sanctuary cities because Rape Wood’s enabler pick lost.

Story titles for Stay At Home Comedian chapter about my baby boy, Samuel the breech baby.

Your Flipping Over Jonathan Not Looking After the Kids?
Birth of Bam, Bam, Giggalow
My Weed Intake Saved My Baby From Brain Damage
Flip Out Free Space Here

 

Mother In Law
Matilda, make sure you eat all your breakfast because it’s good for your brain and body.
Daughter
I took 2 more bites like daddy told me to.

Translation: F off Facebook Grandma. You’re older than Ariel’s clam trap in the sea.

Story titles for Stay At Home Comedian chapter about my relationship with my 1st baby boy, Art Show USA.

My All American Dream
Number 1 Capricorn
No, He’s My Daddy
Wishing My Son’s Birthday Never Blows
Can’t Believe He’s Real

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth