Put Your Uncle Sam Sales Hat On

Did you know America is in the midst of a coin shortage right now? In a post COVID world, we can’t stomach the idea of looking at the significant others we live with one second longer, so we’ve taken up coin collecting to maximize face time with Dead presidents while taking up the most boring hobby again instead. Wife yells from downstairs, “What are you doing honey bun?” Husband yells back, “I’m working on my coin collection babe. It’s our country’s new favorite hobby after prayer shaming, spitting on Vets graves and trivializing the Holocaust through banning the Pledge of Allegiance because we live under Big Tech’s rule, especially since Good Will Hoodie at Facebook sold his soul to the Chinese Ministry Of Truth. Who cares if Chinese made fentanyl has killed more crackers in this country than Taylor Swift kicking with Lena Dunham on Instagram? Who cares if Facebook has anointed China as the ultimate judge of good versus evil, despite the Corona virus made in China being responsible for your dad having to give his mother in England only a virtual kiss goodbye on her death bed? But at the least the New Yorker will know better to start every Zoom call now moving forward with, “Hands up high Toobin, where I can see them. You’re having a hard time getting a grip over the fact that Hunter Biden is starting to make Charlie Sheen look like slacker underachiever, I get it. But take a load off on your own time and don’t come around our Zoom calls no more.”

So, if you’re a parent in America today, who’s not enthralled with the prospect of enabling a future generation of ungrateful, hate filled Punisher vigilantes for ANTIFA or intent on blowing a mini fortune on an Ivy league education for your only kid to become a glaringly unoriginal, uppity, knee-jerk reactionary, blah breath hack reporter like Jefferey Toobin for the New Yorker, then I’d start selling your kids early on why patriotism matters because our schools won’t anymore. My kid’s elementary school just canceled the Pledge Of Allegiance. Will my kids school cancel Apple Pie next because it’s too aggressively cheery for kids raised on 13 Reasons Why? I never received an email from my kids school about why they canceled the Pledge of Allegiance although I suspect the expression “under God” was no longer deemed inclusive enough for the parental sect of east coast atheists who send their kids there, intent on sucking off their Gods like Bill Maher till their last dying breath. Plus, if working parents today want to keep their jobs, they must show a commitment to improve their social justice righting credit score at work by only retweeting AOC tweets comparing our border detention facilities with centralized AC, designed to stop rampant sex trafficking of minors to Nazi death camps. Plus, parents today need to be equipped with endless President Trump insults at the tips of their tongues to remain uncanceled by their far younger, mope maligned Millennial Mouseketeer coworkers over shared Taco Tuesdays, since eating lunch within their walled in office of yesteryear is now branded too alt right white collar xenophobic for their ad tech startup tastes.

It’s beyond time for American parents today to assume the responsibility of selling our kids on the importance of patriotism because respect for our elders today is lower than Hunter Biden’s Yelp rating for the Mac Shop he forgot existed until the NY Post reported on it, in Wilmington, Delaware. But parents today can still entrust Netflix, EPSN, CNN, the NY Times and especially Twitter, to teach their kids the importance of standing up for the National Anthem and putting their hands over their hearts for it at ballgames instead of futzing with their smart phones to watch Tommy Lee videos on Instagram, shouting at fake news Devils. Yeah, and Judd Apatow is the Chief Happiness Officer for Breitbart.

When I push my kids on the swing, I assume the persona of Sly Stone from the original Woodstock and sing with real deal fly guy feeling, “I’m going to take you higher.” How does this playful sing-along push routine teach my kids patriotism matters? Because I tell my kids Sly Stone was a star voice behind a prideful, black nationalist musical movement in the sixties, which was a source of empowerment, not divisive derision, which didn’t command whitey to never eat in peace in a restaurant patio again.

I teach my kids patriotism, which is love of country, by teaching them about the great melting pot New York City is, which boasts more than 200 dialects, so insisting only black lives matter insults a boatload of other immigrant sects. I teach patriotism to my kids by emoting about the greatest Moderate Muslim of all time Muhammad Ali, who floated like a butterfly and stung like a bee, inspiring other mouthy kids from Louisville, Kentucky to boast to Dad, “One day, that’s going to be me.”  My 3-year old son requests Jimi Hendrix Blues on vinyl, what about yours? So, stop acting like teaching your kids about patriotism is such a white nationalist laden snore.

My 9-year-old daughter knows Joan Jett is a lesbian punk rocker who sang Love Is Pain but made it big in the face of discrimination for refusing to be the same.

At night before story time, I mix it up and tell my kids about how Walt Clyde Frazier beats Dr. Seuss as the coolest cat of rhyme who lead the Knicks past the Lakers in 73 at the Garden by dishing 19 dimes.  My kids hug American flags in the street, because I’ve shown them pictures of President Trump doing the same, which is pretty sweet, proving infectious love of old glory is hard to beat.

I teach my kids that taking a knee is the equivalent to kicking Nazi destroyers in the nuts and spitting on Vets graves, housing those unfortunate drafted sons who Jesus could never save.  I teach my 3-year old son love of country for pointing out how America the Beautiful gave birth to thrash metal guitar great Dave Mustaine, by showing him a clip on YouTube of him playing the Star Spangled Banner at a Little League game, which inspired my head banging son to say, “I’m going to play that one day.” Patriotism sells, so put your Uncle Sam sales hat on and soon enough, your kids will be hugging flags down on main street to.   

Michael Kornbluth

Do It All Dad Does Jokes Does Audio

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Thank you WordPress peeps for your steady doses of emotive encouragement and sustained interest in my development of new material as I chip away at the stone to bang out more sheets of comedy gold.

Warmest Regards,

Michael Kornbluth

Resisting Synagogue Distancing

I don’t need to see Chelsea Handler topless to expose her disdain for an administration who champions the reopening of all houses of worship in another desperate attempt to downplay her tits sagging popularity again and again. And you can talk about the incessant, mandatory need for social distancing all you want, but it’s not as if the more wokeified reformed Jewish Rabbis in the US pre-Corona were playing to packed houses either.

But overt hostility directed at the Trump administration, his freedom loving supporters or toward Torah obeying Hasidic Jews isn’t New Testament new either. This morning, I tell my wife, “I identify with Chabad Hasidism because their members aren’t Holocaust trivializing, Nazi name calling supremacists, who love all Jews as much as NPR’s inflated sense of self-importance.” She says, “Well someone whose been in contact with plenty of Hasidic woman as a nurse in labor and delivery, I can tell you, Hasidic woman have less freedom than Orthodox Jewish woman do, who only exist to bang out more babies really.” I snap back with, “Just because you watched Unorthodox on Netflix, you’re a Social Worker now to? Plus, Hasidic woman can also use the Instant Pot today to, which reduces Brisket cooking cutting time in half. So, slaving away in the kitchen is no longer such a time sucking existence anymore either. But I’m supposed to demonize the entire Hasidic sect of Judaism because the NY Times post fake news claims working moms today spend more time today with their kids than stay at home moms did in the 1970’s? So, stay at home mom’s in the 1970’s slept on the job on too many Quaaludes, haunted by memories of Bill Cosby’s family friendly dentist drilling material of yesteryear? I don’t get it.

Last, what’s so wrong about Hasidic woman raising future generations of doctors and rabbi’s turned comedians like Jackie Mason, who help perfect the world through medicinal healing or comedic song?”

Giving lockdown orders on Synagogues throughout neighborhoods such as Borough Park and Midwood in New York because Mayor DeBlasio and Governor Cuomo are worried about fending off this new wave of Corona infections less than a month before election day, during the most festive, infectiously joyous weeklong holiday of Sukkot, felt forced magnanimous to me. Especially after our so called morally exalted leaders of New York allowed rioters and looters to shatter Macy’s windows on 34 Street unimpeded. The same feckless leaders who defunded the NYPD in the face of nonstop lawlessness in the form of looting, shooting and sucker punching of beloved actor Rick Moranis since this Thug Lives Matter Most horror show began, whether your black or white cloaked in black hoodies representing Pacific Northwest ANTIFA. Killing off the once endlessly vibrant life force of my beloved concrete jungle of yesteryear, one boarded up storefront at a time as the once unthinkable exodus from New York City began. Because looting Gucci ain’t a thing but a reparations thing knowing Beyonce didn’t stand for the National Anthem during the Super Bowl because Demi Lovato sounds like the white privileged version of Alabama Shakes.  

But at least liquor stores are still considered houses of worship in New York State in addition to 3rd trimester pushing abortion clinics. Because Planned Parenthood is an essential place of business to abort a fully formed fetus on demand, which is kosher in Cuomo’s eyes and in Bill Maher’s book. President Trump should nickname Governor Cuomo The Italian Reptilian inside, especially after he caused the death of 6000 plus elderly patients, by forcing elderly homes throughout NY to accept new COVID patients to fill out all the extra body bags they were ordered to take in with them to. Still, this thug in Armani who looks like the Thing and Mama Fratelli from the Goonies had a baby, has the chutzpah to write a book on leadership lessons based on his alleged stellar handling the of the Coronavirus pandemic, despite him blaming all those unnecessary nursing home deaths on Trump, the GOP and Fox News. Because the Italian Reptilian Inside Cuomo was just following the Department of Health’s marching orders like a good Soros, one world order licking solider, despite him writing the order in March demanding all elderly homes in NY accept COVID patients while the revamped Javits Center remained empty in addition to President Trump’s shipped in Hospital Ship, which got less touches than a Bible on board a Booze Cruise on its way to Provincetown.

Cuomo and DeBlasio aren’t concerned about minimizing the spread of Covid. All they care about is preserving their power through the very fear mongering they accuse President Trump of, through constantly pinning the entirety of this Chinese made virus aftermath on his administration despite POTUS canceling all incoming travel from China in March while DeBlasio fumbled with chopsticks during a photo op in Chinatown at the same time, urging naturally neurotic New Yorkers to get a grip.

I also don’t recall mosques in NYC being on the receiving end of such prayer distancing restrictions, despite Muslims praying more frequently in their houses of worship compared to Jews and Christians, which the loudspeaker call to prayer in Astoria, NY will remind you of, 5 times a day if you ever forgot prior because you used to have an office in Manhattan, that wasn’t at home, before the boss distancing remote work world began.  Yesterday, I asked my voice activated assistant Alexa speaker, “How many more days till Hannukah?” Alexa says, “I don’t know.” I reply with, “I bet you know the countdown till Ramadan because you wouldn’t want to be branded Islamophobic like President Trump if you dare question the staying power of Obama’s timeout nuke building deal with Iran, knowing Iran is only the biggest sponsor of worldwide terror since the construction of the last Death Star.”

Cuomo and DeBlasio derive sick, soulless pleasure from keeping true believing Christians out of Churches like Amy Barrett and strict rule following Jewish men of faith out of Synagogues because they also represent a significant size of Trump supporters who defend his stance against late term abortion especially in addition to his foreign policy stance responsible for creating peace through strength in the Middle East by normalizing relations between Israel and it’s Arab neighbors, who recognize Iran as being the true face of evil, which no amount of Shadowbanning by Big Tech can conceal.

America was founded on the basis of granting religious liberty without the fear of prosecution like being fined for breaking social distancing rules during Easter or the most recent Jewish holiday of Sukkot. All houses of worship in the US, mosques to, offer the most holy God loving bind around us that unites us all. And anyone who thinks Democrats in charge of NY care about pleasing God through polite prayer or punishing the real face of evil, responsible for rampant, enabled acts of widespread violence throughout the streets of NY, 8 million New Yorkers call home, my native home also, can go woke themselves to.

My most spine tingly memories of Synagogue revolve around my childhood congregation standing up in unison to sing the always rousing, unifying prayer, “She-ma yisrael, adonai, eloheinu, adonai, echad. Hear O Israel, the Lord is our God, The Lord is one.” Hear that DeBlasio, the Lord is our God, not you or the Italian Reptilian Cuomo inside. All the fines, religious school shutdowns and mask shaming imposed hysteria, won’t keep God’s cosmic perfectionists from performing mitzvot such as teaching our children Torah at home and through prayer which doesn’t require walls to suppress the glorification of the almighty, while praising all that’s good in our hearts and souls forevermore. Even Kid Rock would gave that soul sermon serenade an Amen.  I say Amen.

And anyone who calls me a racist fringe conspiracist for hating how my 3 kids are forced to dress in masks now every day now like its Sharia Law Appreciation Day, can go woke themselves to.  While DeBlasio and Cuomo use our kids as pawns to wreck our economy, ruin their age of innocence and demolish patriots means to provide the American dream for our children because we have nobody to look after our kids from home for remote learning since Facebook has made baby boomers the laziest, most hands off grandparent generation of all time. Lifting a finger is liking a new picture on Facebook, assuming my kids aren’t posing in a fighter plane during a Blue Angels air show at Stewart Airport in a pro patriot Trumpian lead America, God forbid.   

Michael Kornbluth

Condemn Nazi Name Calling Supremacists

“Hate warps the mind, ravages the heart, and devours the soul.”

President Trump

I had it all planned out, especially after my speech bombed at my younger brother’s wedding resulting in my father instructing me to wrap it up after committing the unforgivable sin of blatantly mocking the Nazi this, Nazi that name calling east coast elitist crowd in attendance. I say, “Cam from Canada, make yourself at home and hit somebody. So, Jim Carrey can paint you as an alt-right goon for hire, looking more like an enraged, rejected extra from the Sears catalog in 86.” Knowing my father told me to wrap it up after that, I only wish I added, “Rock bad ass Courtney Love called Linda Sarsour a fake feminist because of her defense of clitoral removal under Sharia Law. Plus, she hates Israel more than Bernie Sanders hates his mother. So, if supporting Courtney Love over Linda Sarsour makes me alt-right, then I’m alright with it. For my son’s Hebrew naming ceremony, I decided to tell the congregation I chose the name Jeremiah because he’s a respected prophet in the Koran, which makes my son immune from any future charges of Islamophobia, assuming he decides to post a Tik Tok video of the Adam Sandler Hannukah song with the added verse, “Linda Sarsour, not a fan.”

I just had a piece published, Back To Hebrew School, in The Times Of Israel about assuming ownership of my kid’s Hebrew School education post Corona by relearning how to read Hebrew from home with them, while using comedy to engage their interest more. From creating mini short stories such as Gimmel Be Good about the Jewish boy who invented the Dreidel game to distract the Romans from their forbidden Torah studies, because at the time Romans wouldn’t consider another Jewish kid with a head for numbers and a developing gambling problem to be a radical departure from reality. A couple of days later, I get my father on the phone after needing sometime to process his lackluster voicemail acknowledging my Back To Hebrew School piece prior, which was low energy compared to Jeb Bush. On the phone with my Dad the following day, I say, “For the record, The Times of Israel isn’t considered an al-right dirt rag Dad.” Dad laughs because the joke propped up his alleged intellectual superiority over 64 million branded racists and growing. I add, “And can you believe The Times of Israel hasn’t told me to wrap it up it up yet?” But they did.

I got canceled by The Times Of Israel, meaning they terminated my guest blog column because they found my tone too unpleasing after I wrote piece about Hassidic Jews in Brooklyn resisting synagogue distancing while blaming the DeBlasio administration for blatant anti-Semitic bias, knowing his participation in much larger BLM protests and proven aversion for MAGA hat supporters of President Trump in general, regardless if they’re wearing Hasidic black hats or not.

But then the conversation with my dad took a depressingly annoying turn after he refused to condemn my younger brother for calling me a Nazi after I started criticizing the BLM movement and ANTIFA to his favorite son via text recently, saying, “All lives matter is the new n word. Guaranteed money in the NBA is oppressive. Nike should change their social righting justice slogan to Just Don’t Resist Arrest. All the wannabe Punisher vigilantes in black ANTIFA hoodies, who never outgrew their pyro phase in elementary school are the renegade activist arm of the media, who are fake news fascist fighting moralists like Unibrow Maddow. And if you believe the Proud Boys are a bigger threat to freedom of speech than ANTIFA or the hate speech police moderators at Facebook, Google and Twitter, then you can go woke yourself to.”

Snoop Dog shoots a Trump clown character in a rap video because his brain hovers below porn hood hell. Eminem calls President Trump Hitler. Take a chill pill Slim, sequels never live up to the original. Also, when The Donald bought Mar-A- Lago, he immediately removed the ban on Jewish membership, Slim On Facts Shady. Never forget the Nazi smears and who the real self-serving, scruple free, hate speech spewing, violence endorsing, terrorist siding, jealous ridden leading figures littered throughout our precious media, music biz, Hollywood, Big Tech and in post woke Corporate America actually are.

I wish they had a vaccine to cure my father’s sore loser’s disease for thinking Hilary Hammer Time Cankles was going to win because baby boomer arrogance never dies. Plus, Baby Boomer Mom doesn’t know best. Hillary must have deleted that memo to. And believing Obama is the most divisive, colluding ex-President of all time who let ISIS run wild while ushering in 2.9 GDP growth, doesn’t mean you a racist. Thinking you’re intellectually and morally superior to all Trump supporters like Keith Olbermann, who wants all of us expunged from the universe does.

Well two can play at the Nazi name calling highlighting game. Obama is the one who loves Hitler. Obama wishes he we was that organized. Exterminating all his pestering, hook nosed critics, who criticized his timeout nuke building deal with the number one sponsor of terror in the Middle East would be a gas. That’s right, Obama gave Iran 150 billion dollars in unmarked bills for an overseas manufacturing facility for Build A Bear, to make their economy less reliant on the sale of face hair removal cream for the Kardashians. Joan lives.

I still can’t believe my dad refused to condemn my younger brother for branding me a Nazi after I just wrote The Great American Jew Novel, which just scored a four-star review on Amazon no less. I haven’t felt this betrayed sine Sylvester Stallone snuck Mel Gibson into Expendables 3

Michael Kornbluth

Nasty As Twitter Allows Me To Be

Hillary claiming half of her destroyed emails as Secretary of State were yoga-related is a stretch. The other 15,000 emails detailed funeral arrangements in the woods,  if Chelsea Clinton’s fiance decided to increase his asking price before walking down the aisle at the last second.  My wife says it’s sexist to make fun of Chelsea Clinton but she’s not ugly anymore. Plus, I think Alyssa Milano  is a nasty Twitter Twat 2.

Michael Kornbluth