My Daughter Identifies As Hindu

Chicago police investigated Jussie Smollet’s hate hoax too vigorously. What did they do? Google MAGA country. Interrogate Jussie about his personal business. Describe your casting couch scene with Lee Daniels. You wouldn’t cross that line, how precious.

Sasha Obama breaking the ice with her roommate at the University of Michigan in their dorm room for freshman orientation.

I get high with my dad. On it, he sounds like a fake news deep, biracial, Bob Marley.

Sasha’s roommate from yenta breath country in Long Island replies.

Yeah, so why haven’t you grown into your mom’s shoulder pads yet? Did your strict almond smoothie diet stunt your growth in the White House? I don’t get it. You’re not going to put up a signed Rolling Stone cover of the squad over my Fab Five one are you?

AOC claims millennials are willing to puncture more taboos than previous generations such as likening border detention facilities to accelerated death camps for starters. The showers in Auschwitz were used for more than lice removal babe.

AOC also claims millennials are more willing to have conversations older generations don’t. You know like whether Henry David Thoreau’s was a lesser poet than Chuck D despite both having supportive mama’s. Who raised them around trees instead of fire escapes.

Wife calls after just leaving for work.

Wife

How are you guys doing?

Do It All Dad

The kids are no longer crying for your attention. But the pizza you made is yummy. Can I go back to enjoying it again because you already feel my annoyance?

INT. HOME

Son

Matilda took a dump on the floor.

Do It All Dad

Maybe, she was impersonating a blacked out Sam Kinison. Either way, leave me alone, clean it up and stop making my alleged break from parenting you a total shit show.

INT. HOME-AM

Baby

Mama, mama.

Do It All Dad

There’s nothing mama can’t do that the Wonder Pets can’t do better. Wonder Pets save the Rat Pack baby. Vince Vaughn ain’t got shit on me.

My daughter’s way more sensitive to her baby brother’s moaning than I am. Baby cries Mama. And she starts praying to Vishnu, to put her baby brother’s spirit in touch with Mama, when she’s at work. So I can get inspired to write Hebrew or Hindu?, already.

Proof your son believes in you winning. Dada, I see hand prints on your book. The hotel guys definitely took a peak at it.

Michael Kornbluth

Why Aren’t You Working?

Once upon a time there was a stay at home comedian obsessed with creating the killer set except he has to look after his 3 kids and can’t get out to perform his jokes the way he did in Manhattan and at a sexless coffee shop in Park Slope during his early thirties. His old school email address was killerset@gmail.com

Every day, he wrote jokes on Twitter, posted new blogs on WordPress and hosted a podcast when his wife was home to look after their 3 kids.

One day, his wife declares an ultimatum, get a real job or move out.

Because of that stay at home comedian starts applying for white collar recruiter jobs. Which is how he earned a living as a cold calling beast in Manhattan Beach and Westwood, in Southern, California, before falling for fatherhood.

Because of that he scores some interviews but nobody takes him seriously because he’s perceived as an old, washed up, jaded, slacker Gen X never was, despite writing for VH1 twice in the past. But his TV writing break is yesterday’s news and 4 years ago already. Now, the most popular search Stay At Home Comedian appears under on LinkedIn is Homemaker.

Until finally, stay at home comedian gets the hint, he’s no longer wanted in Corporate America because of his pro Trumpian stances on social media in addition to having so many gap years on his resume.

Finally, stay at home comedian decides to embrace what’s he’s become a family man, stay at home comedian author on the rise.  He launches the Do It All Dad Year Podcast, hailing it as dad friendly entertainment for you and me. He changes his email address to doitalldadyear@outlook.com

Stay At Home Comedian decides to write a book of essays on his experience working remote as an unplanned father of 3 because by focusing on the pure, hilarious beauty of his children he minimizes his divisive, asshole persona.  Also, stay at home comedian realizes book authors are fire proof and at this point in his life stay at home comedian has been fired more than a Palestinian Sling Shot.

Deep down, Stay At Home Comedian, more than anything wants to get paid to hang out with his kids because he thinks they’re superior company than most. So he launches, a food history sketch based comedy show with his 3 kids The Pescatarian Comedians, which educates, empowers, enriches and entertains other do it all dads who struggle to find many family friendly venues to enjoy their children with anymore.

Stay At Home Comedian, becomes the face for the remote work revolution. Teaching the world how controlling our kids with comedy can make our kids great again and not such easily triggered douchebags from the sight of a MAGA hat at a Teenage Mutants Ninja throw back birthday party.

After their Bad Boy Soy Boy sketch goes viral. Stay at home dad scores a TV agent, from his self-published book, Falling for Fatherhood, How 3 Kids Got My Act Together. Food Network buys the rights for their family food history comedy sketch show, The Pescatarian Comedians and his new spinoff family meal review show, Double Talk With Chef Samuels get’s picked up my Universal Studios for a 12 episode commitment in the Fall.

Finally, this rags to riches tale proves to Stay At Home Comedian’s kids, there’s no problem your imagination can’t solve. Stay At Home Comedian proves he’s isn’t crazy for going after his new showbiz dream of making American family comedy great again by targeting his blend of observational, situational, historical informed, shishy bitch accentuated comedy to disrespected, belittled, neutered do it all dads today who need it the most today.

 

Why must I tell this story?

I must tell this story because it’s an aspirational, character based story about creating comedy magic with the ones you love to make the happiest. And stay at home comedian is a pretty animated, hilarious character to begin with.

What greater purpose does this story teach?

It teaches the best way for your kids to learn is by setting a strong example. And how it’s never too late in life to change bad habits and with good habits. It also teaches the importance of learning to trust your gut about what feels so right versus what feels so terribly wrong.

How is my story universal?

It’s universal because it teaches the importance of making the best of what’s around like Dave Mathews mumbled in the nineties on Under The Table and Dreaming.

My story is universal because every unplanned parent is thrust with the decision to A) Abandon old dreams, B) Fight to keep them alive or C) Pick a new and improved dream to achieve with your 3 children by your side.

It’s also a universal tale because what man can’t identify with feeling like the world’s most undesirable worker whose not in hot demand at one stage in his career or another, especially when you’re being denied the right to earning a living during the lowest US unemployment rate for the past 50 years. So you create a family comedy empire instead because there’s really funny and Judd Apatow.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth