Early Hanukkah Gifts Galore

Watching my mother-in-law reluctantly spin a Dreidel at our dinner table because her granddaughter gave her one to spin was like watching Moby being pressured into spinning Animal by Def Leppard by Kid Rock at gunpoint.

7 Year Old Daughter hands me Make Your Dreams Come True book I got for her. And says. Read this. It will get you a job. So you can start bringing home the bacon. And I’m not talking about the veggie kind either.

Do It All Dad’s plan to make my make gentile in-laws tense today. We place the Oy Vey headband we got yesterday at Party City on my daughter’s stuffed animal Pineapple Pretty because she pulls of the jappy girl persona the best.

Trump’s a White Nationalist retort for Thanksgiving.
Obama had Jay Z call Meek Mill to talk him out of meeting with Trump to discuss educating changing prison reform. Sorry, African American brothers got 99 problems but Trump isn’t one son.

INT. CAR-Outside of Target
Daddy, do people ever shoot arrows at Target?

Explaining consent to my 7 year old daughter.
So Jerry Lee Lewis married his cousin when she was only 14. Yuck. I know.
Plus, when she went moved in with him at 14. All she had to pack her cloths in was her Fisher Price Farmhouse.

White Nationalists run the White House reply for Thanksgiving. Obama’s the enemy of black people. He did nothing about gun violence in Chicago. He imported inner city jobs to illegals and his best celeb bud is the ex-crack king of NY.

White Nationalists run the White House reply for Thanksgiving follow up. Obama’s the enemy of black people. He did nothing about gun violence in Chicago. He imported inner city jobs to illegals and his best celeb bud is the ex-crack king of NY.

White Nationalists run the White House reply for Thanksgiving part 3. Are you telling me you know more about face to face racism than Jim Brown? Who Richard Pryor picked to help run the 1st black owned film production company back in the day.

Trump’s a White Nationalist retort for Thanksgiving part 4.
Then, why didn’t denture mouth Pelosi stand during his state of the union after he mentions record low black unemployment numbers? I prefer a President who stands for Americans 1st and delivers.

White Nationalists run the White House reply for Thanksgiving for the remaining kill shot. But your wife isn’t a hippie nurse from Australia. So your chances of scoring a Work Visa in the land down under is on par with those from the Spanish Caravan. Fake news hippie, man.

 

INT.
Mother-In-Law
Manchester was named best Christmas Market in Europe.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I prefer Mariah Carey Christmas songs over Adele.
You could’ve had it all. You mean all 800 pounds of you, Mary Ploppins?

Stay At Home Comedian Dad
You don’t mind me wearing my Knicks shirt for your parents?
Wife
No, they love that we live in New York.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Don’t move to Delaware on our behalf gave me that impression also.

Wife
You made this Alfredo sauce yourself?
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Act more surprised like Huma licker breath on election night.

Daughter
Jida, I learned Pisces like me can read emotions.
Jida
What’s daddy feeling?
Daughter
Annoyed he can’t submit book proposals to agents including chapters such as Grandparent Bad Manners because you’re here now. If I had to guess.

Stay At Home Comedian Dad
What if you flew us all out to Manchester next year for Christmas?
Mother In Law
We’d have to quarantine the dog for 6 months.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Why, did you rescue it from Hondrus?

My Buzz Kill Wife
Hey babe, the kids and I are making Low Rider Fredo Homes. We’re using lime zest & cilantro instead of parsley and lemon used in the traditional Fettuccine Alfredo. She says. Cilantro is strong. Angel Dust is strong bitch.

 

Do It All Dad’s plan to make my make gentile in-laws tense today. We put a Menorah Hat on Matilda’s new big sized Hello Kitty stuffed animal. English Mother-In-Law stares at Kitty quizzically. Daughter says. It converted.

Johnny Cash is the Frank Sinatra of country. The man in black is peerless in terms of charisma loaded phrasing, sardonic baritone based, killed around the world man bravado, tingly clear annunciation & cover topping grace.

 

My Non-Committal In-Laws
I say. We should celebrate Christmas in Manchester as a family 1 year.
Crickets ensue. I’m thinking. You would think I’d suggested us crashing the Royal Halloween party as the Hasidic Diamond stick up men in Snatch.

 

INT. CAR
Daughter
Daddy, are any banks evil? You know like the one Obama uses.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I think he uses UBS in Kenya.

Father-In-Law
Hanukkah starts early this year.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I know. Your people are used to dominating the entire month from December from start to finish. Your own red wave really. I can’t tell if I nailed that analogy or not.

 

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Move From Hermosa Hell

7:30 PM WST and my parents haven’t called yet to wish me a happy 28th birthday. I play a voicemail. My mom sings me happy birthday. And I cry out every ounce of beaten down in life sadness, my always ate alone in Junior High at Burger King clogged heart could bear. Apparently, my new diet of double cheese Turkey Burgers from Astro Burgers didn’t do much to unclog the heavy heartedness of ineffectual loser-dom in my heart. Knowing at 28, I was an unemployed wannabe standup comedian in the Valley, porn capital of the world next to Warner Brother Studios, otherwise known as the land of dirty, money shot powered dreams.

 

My wife now and mother of my 3 kids hates me bringing up my lost year in Sherman Oaks. Where the crystal meth was still working its way out of my system. The unemployment checks were coming to an end. And at 28, I still didn’t have a best friend to call to emote to, ask for advice or pick me up when times were blue. Which depressed me more than having little to no money then. I was so broke, my Hebrew was under Judicial Review at 28 years old.  Back then, I couldn’t even stare at an extra Actress with a SAG card on Melrose without being fined for insufficient funds.  Ok, so I had some decent material my 1st year of stand-up during my “lost year” in Sherman Oaks.  But I almost never made it to Sherman Oaks alive at all.

I lived in Hermosa Beach, for 9 months prior. It was my favorite beach in Southern California by far. The sand is pebble free and the waves for body surfing were consistently the best. My apartment was on Monteray Ave, overlooking the Pier and Brian Wilson’s favorite, money making muse, the misty, always majestic, mighty Pacific. Screw you Mark Twain it’s my story time now. Female hardbody volleyball players abounded. Specs of sand scattered within my shower always put me at Summer loving having a blast ease.

 

I stared to run by the water after working as an IT recruiter in Manhattan Beach nearby. I was no longer in a suffocating, sexless relationship with my ex. The only rich Irish girl of private Catholic school upbringing in Westwood, John Wooden country. Who couldn’t hold her liquor. But her father had a keg of Sierra Nevada Pale on tap always. So I wasn’t complaining. It’s the pale that never gets stale. Recycling lines from my advertising portfolio and 1st year of stand up has to materialize for me eventually.  I even had buds to hang out with down for happy hour at the Poop Deck before I hit on everything that moved. Had my recruiter bud Jay take some inspired trips to Tijuana with me. Growing up during Regan, before Magic had made HIV disappear. I had enough good sense so I thought not to bang any hookers there. Was called a faggot for it which was nice. Walked out of a brothel when they were all lined up also. I couldn’t have been a more indecisive Jew unless I had the munchies at the Bellagio buffet in Vegas for my last meal on earth but was only allotted 1 plate to fill.

I was paying rent on my own. Had to ask mom and dad for deposit, 1st month rent. It was my only way out my relationship with my ex. In retrospect, I should’ve kicked her out of our apartment in West Hollywood. Which I was living in prior. It was ten times cheaper and walking distance to the Improv on Melrose and the Comedy Store on Sunset. So much for thinking that move through.

Across the street from where I lived in Hermosa was a wine shop that sold beer. The owner there was young like me who used to live in NYC, so he was pretty cool in my book, so I thought. We start hanging out late night at this wine shop. He lures me with free wine samples and bottles of beer when I don’t have a bottle to piss in literally. Pretty soon, this leads to us doing bumps of what I thought were cocaine which were actually bumps of Crystal Meth. It looked the same, dripped at the back of my throat the same and snorted up my nostril the same. The only discernable difference after my 1st tiny snort, lasting what seemed like all summer.  Was me kissing this delicious blond gal at a dark, scarlet red hued lounge bar by the Strand moments later. Feeling like a coked out Tony the Tiger.  Thinking, this is shit is great. It wasn’t.

The crash was in fact the opposite of great. Especially 24 hours later, when I found myself peeing on myself. Walking outside my apartment. Feeling my eyes roll toward the back of head. Never feeling more empty or devoid of hope in such a depressed, bleaked out state in my life. Staring at the Pacific Ocean from my 2nd story walk up apartment in Hermosa Beach, not seeing pure beauty or universal connectivity or boundless potential inside me. Not seeing me prancing on the sand with my ex girlfriend Summer Lam to summer loving having a blast after drinking Pyramid Peach Apricot beers on the beach or making Veal Marsala from Bristol Farms after watching a Sopranos together in our apartment, based on a recipe from the Sopranos cook book no less.

 

No, all I felt was imminent death coming to claim me if God didn’t throw me a lifeline of any kind. As I walked out of my apartment in a Crystal Meth mind, spirit meltdown stupor, no longer doing wine sales on commission only after I got fired from my IT recruiter job for not billing enough and looking for other jobs on the job. Forward thinking has never been my forte.

Already, using what money I had left on my new apartment deposit in Sherman Oaks in the Valley. From my stocks and 401K, nice to meet you Capital Gains. I had no security blanket left. But thank God my old recruiter bud Jay called me out of the blue to see if I wanted to be roommates. I consider it divine intervention. Because if Jay didn’t call me I would’ve stayed in southern California long enough to try writing another Curb spec again but on my own this time without my ex, Erica’s assistance. I wrote it in 3 days flat. I was clean now. Was attending bartending school in North Hollywood. Spent a fortune on a psychic in West Hollywood to clear my Chakras. Apparently, my Chakras were more clogged than my freshman college one hitter.

 

In Sherman Oaks, I was trying to write standalone jokes and get laughs from doing stand-up. Till this day, I don’t know what demon drove me to do it. Outside of my roommate Jay, Cedric, another old recruiter bud and Shakes, an IT security analyst who I placed with Raytheon in El Segundo, California, I had no Mikey pep talks from T in Swingers to rely on.

So I’m staring down the cold, unforgiving, gaze of the Pacific Ocean from the balcony of my apartment with pee drenched pants. Having no accomplishment of distinction under my belt yet. Which I can truly claim as my own. Billing almost 100K as an IT Recruiter in Westwood prior doesn’t really count because my Recruiting Manger would spoon feed me lines to negotiate fee and close candidates on salary with.  I can’t get over the vacant chill inside me starring out daybreak over Hermosa Beach with scattered, greyish overcast for a change. Thinking, my younger brother who went to boarding school for his cocaine troubles. He’s the one with hard drug issues, not me.

I worked my ass off from 22-28 years old cold calling my brains out as an IT recruiter in Westwood, Century City and now Manhattan Beach. From 7-7 I was at work. And I’d work on TV spec scripts with my ex at night when we lived in West Hollywood together for Curb, Malcolm, even did a Six Feet Under, got really strong encouragement from lit agents and professional readers to.

But since getting fired from my IT Recruiter job and making no money from wine sales and no longer having my ex-girlfriend help anchor me to bang out spec scripts after cold calling off  all index cards pre-LinkedIn, I was truly lost at sea. Now, I was no longer a mere Shmuck in a headset. Or even an aspiring TV scribe on the rise, just a spoiled, degenerate, mush brained, borderline friendless, borderline disowned 1st born with a useless Communication degree about to drop dead at 28 years old, 1 year after Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin. But my magic 27 didn’t consist of banging out Bobby McGee on Pearl or shredding the Filmore East’s amps to pieces with Machine Gun on Band of Gypsies either. Shit, I wasn’t even a bloated Jim Morrison, who still squeezed out the majestic Indian Summer before my impending, not important enough to be tragic, dying of my light.

I make it across the street to Ming Dynasty’s wine shop. Which he needs to open so I can get some Alka Seltzer and water. Then, when I thought my dark thoughts couldn’t get any trying to sleep off Acid to Beethoven freshman year in college scarier worse. Ming Dynasty cryptically states in the most chillingly, been around a lot of overdoes man, says. Don’t OD in front of my store. I end up shaking it off at his parents place. And all I have to keep me going is forced sunny images of my summer in love with Katie in the Cape, holding hands, walking to town, no images of my pothead friends from high school, no images of dad bonding with me, nothing.

The worst part is me having to move out of my apartment in Hermosa to Sherman Oaks the day after I saw my non-glorious life fade out in front me. My move from Hermosa Hell to the valley is the move that almost killed me, literally.  I was so winded, the next day, I had to take 20 minute naps on the coach from merely, carrying boxed books down a single flight of stairs.  I had no medical insurance. How I made it to Sherman Oaks without dying from Dark angel’s crystal meth attack on what spark of divinity remained in my sad shrouded soul and borderline brain dead head is purely a direct result of God’s grace, nothing more, nothing less. God must have known ahead of time, what great kids I’d bang out once I got my act together.

Again, I didn’t even know I was doing Crystal Meth.  I only learned it was Crystal Meth months later, when Ming Dynasty rang. I said dude, I don’t know what was in that coke but I thought I was doing die in my own arms that night. Ming Dynasty replies. It wasn’t coke, it was Crystal Meth. I thought you knew the difference. But powdered coke looks like powdered Meth. So much for passing the Pepsi fucking challenge.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wife’s Birthday Party Gone South

Nationalist is a loaded word. The N bomb is a load word. ANTIFA lives matter is an oxymoron.

If I have to hear 1 more time. But the Israelis retaliate against the Palestinians with extreme force. What’s an acceptable response then? Poetry slams in a East Jerusalem coffee shop and dropping truth bombs about Hamas killing any shot of a 2 state solution instead?

You have Hypersexual Disorder. If a lower back massage leads to you ramming your pelvis into mama over the couch. I ask my daughter. You want to know how babies are made? Daughter says. Daddy, enough with “hump-backing” mama. Spare me the play, by play already.

 

My impersonation of Mike Birbiglia on Broadway
I felt so useless & sidelined after my wife gave birth to our daughter. So, I scribbled some jokes in my diary about how I get why Stallone left his wife in Over the Top. I’m feeling so vanilla vulnerable right now.

 

Michelle Obama says she stopped trying to smile at Trump’s Inauguration. Is like ANTIFA’s head of recruitment saying he stopped cashing checks from George Soros in his hidden Swiss bank account under Heidi Franz Krautpurgent.

Trump’s a white nationalist? But he moved our embassy to Jerusalem. So technically speaking, he’s a Hebrew Nationalist. Hebrew Hammer strikes his point home through his all mighty shtick again.

INT.  Home

Hub Guest

Louie CK is right. Most kids can be annoying assholes.

Stay At Home Comedian Dad

Mine are fuss free. But hipster husband talk of white nationalists turning America into an Aryan nation despite no Edward Norton, American History X knockoffs gracing the Oval Office feels like mainlining MDMA?

Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I enjoy mom’s friends over.
But do you know what I missed most yesterday kids?

Daughter
What daddy?
Dad
Focused attention away from you 3 kids. My greatest gifts of all.
Daughter
So everyday with us feels like Hanukkah, 8 days a week?

Stay At Home Comedian Dad
There’s funny & hilarious. Besides you being hyper-articulate Matilda.
You deliver naturalistic punchline words with extra personable pop and hilarious minded, expressive relish.

Daughter
I never want this compliment to end.

Who could resist this?

 

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Still Off IPA’s but back on Jokes Again

My 7 year old’s daughter’s developed sense of bullshit detection on full display.

Daddy, mommy said she could hang on a Trapeze Bar upside down with 1 leg when she was my age to. I wanted to say fake news mama. Bungee Jumping in Australia doesn’t require any upper hamstring strength either, raver hippie.

Obama and Michelle in Marriage Therapy
Trump won. I can’t be proud of our country anymore.
Despite a 7 figure advance on my memoir and my multi million dollar Netflix deal. Including free Uber and directors final cut.

Why would anyone name their kid Casper? Unless you’re Mel Brooks spoofing a Stephen King ghost story called Gentrification of Malcolm X Blvd.

 

Bakery Lady
Your sons are so handsome.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I already met with a lawyer to start drafting pre-poundage consent forms in their honor.

Bakery lady laughs long time.

1 Morning Prayer to Squeeze Into a Tweet
Lord, thank you making my son tougher than a black kid from Brooklyn. According to the ER Doctor after he got his stitches with no anesthesia because the line there was longer than the caravan, AMEN.

 

Morning Prayer In a Tweet Part 2
Lord, thank you for a daughter whose 10 times more impressive than mama and 10 times more athletic and 10 times more NY Jew smart ass smarter already at 7. Gentile Grandpa’s head hurts around her in a NY minute.

 

PR Hack for NBC
Will make Pete apologize on air live.
It will play well for #VeteransDay.
Then, Pete Davidson will no longer be perceived as Barney’s punk kid from the Simpsons. What, I used to do PR for Fox. Cut me some slack Lorne.

 

Macron is a jealous, little twat. Your country is ruined. And gripped in fear by you know who. Nationalism is a betrayal of patriotism. Of course he wants Uncle Sam to pick up their defense tab and bail their ass out of hell again.

What is Merkel giggling about? Her entire country has morphed into a no-go-rape zone. Her entire aura is 1 tied up back knot. And Macron is a fake news wannabe deep Balzac. Have fun with your Euro though, Frog Legs breath.

Nationalism is a betrayal of patriotism Macron? It’s the direct opposite jerk-off. Doesn’t baguette mouth realize Trump became President so America doesn’t descend into the lawless, freedom of speech paralyzed hellhole, Paris has become?

The hashtag campaign #ThankYouForYourService comes off as more forced than Larry David saying it to Hillary Hammer Time Cankles at a clambake fundraiser in Martha’s Vineyard in 2020.

1 hour before my wife’s birthday brunch celebration for her friends.
Babe, are we really blowing all of our Nespresso Pods on your friends? Isn’t sparkling wine from New Mexico enough? It’s a French wine making family. Macron insists their anti-nationalists.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

My Daughter Upstaging Me Again

I read a lot of Airport Reviews. So my career as a stay at home comedian dad feels on the up and up. Gotta dream about future book signings baby.

Alexa, play You Lost that Loving Feeling. Wife says. Are you trying to say something? Talk to your thighs, not me babe.

Do It All Dad sanity preservation tip:
Never ever, ever, buy Goldfish for your kids.
They get everywhere like Cheerios and you’ll resent your kids existence for picking up after such eighties has been, never great to begin with snacks.

I’ll say it for President Trump. Joni Mitchell is overrated. She sounds like a folk singer parody in a Christopher Guest film. Who teaches Californian yodeling at Santa Monica Community College.

Joni Mitchell’s crackling, high pitched falsetto voice doesn’t age well on the nerves. Sounds more like California screeching.

Good Morning Alexa. How did that blue wave materialize? You’re not smart enough to play Wipe Out are you? You know because Mike Love of the Beach Boys actually praised President Trump for trying to help save the greatest voice of all.

Bill Deblasio let 900 NYC prisoners vote in the #Midterms2018. But President Trump is in favor of prison reform and lowering jail sentences for 1st time drug offenses. So I’m not as offended as I should be in this instance Big Bird.

Acosta should sue the president. No, he’s a pip squeak load that should’ve been swallowed.

If Jim Acosta was a comedian, he’d be banned from the Comedy Cellar also.
Due to his resistance to relinquish the microphone after getting the cue to wrap up his set on having to wear sunglasses in airports because he’s always on there.

Amy Schumer’s pregnant. Sarah Silverman is crying herself to sleep into her hoodie. Lena Dunham’s losing.

Jon Stewart getting heckled at vet benefit.
So glad you made it. I thought you’d be at the border.
ISIS vent viral under Obama. And now he’s a crack head.
You really know how to pick um Hebrew National.

Tucker Carlson’s racist rhetoric has created a frenzy against migrants. Whatever Blondie. Call me when you return to reality. Where Maxine Waters calls for violence against real loving Americans. Are ANTIFA groupies even a thing? Gross.

San Francisco didn’t wait for a DACA ruling of any kind since they declared themselves a sanctuary city once the term went viral, correct? But protecting rapists & murders, US citizens or not is mentally sound urban planning at its finest.

You can’t call march of the illegals, demanding entry into America after being offered asylum & jobs in Mexico an invasion if they’re only a 100 miles away. Sure, if they start backpedaling to Honduras like Apollo on the beach in Rocky 3.

I’m going to make a poster of acting AG Matthew Whittaker for my kids room. He looks like King Kong Bundy’s abandoned son with a colossal chip on his shoulder.

My 7 year old daughter’s brain on fire.
Daddy, when I get older, I’m opening up an obstacle school for grownups. With Monkey Bars, an acre high, floods, flips off cliffs, you name it.
My 7 Year old daughter preparing games for mama’s birthday.
Daddy, I made Tic Tac Toe with bigger squares, pin the tail on the unicorn. You can do some jokes about how annoying wives are Daddy. Without singling out mama specifically.

Int. Bedroom
Daughter
I read this book already daddy
It bored me to death, murderer.
Lock her up. Lock her up.

Daddy laughs long time.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Really Funny People and Judd Apatow

Dream Interpretation of Lady Gaga Falling In Love With Me
A star is born once I give birth to my parenting book Stay At Home Comedian. If I don’t terminate it in the 3rd trimester because my wife insists it’s a blue collar economy now.

Useless Younger Brother
You have to write some jokes on Alec Baldwin. I share. Zero response. So tempted to text. So me having skin cancer is still 50/50. I’ll take those odds over you ever surprising me with a zero agenda act of generosity again.

I’ve always been critical but Judd Apatow is a Godsend for making Funny People, his most personal film by far. It’s a very funny, pointed, heart felt film at its core. Politics aside, I love the comedy art he promotes and embodies so well.

I’ve changed my tune. F Judd Apatow for not being able to put his stupid politics aside and show the most modicum form of love for my emotive, heart felt compliment in his honor. Stern is right. His wife is super annoying in all his films.

Daddy, what’s the difference between a private school and a public one?
Feeling like a zero for not having enough zeros in your bank account to afford one in Connecticut Bush country.

F New York. I had the best Sicilian of my life in Greenwich, CT today. Plus, the Ricotta with eggplant slice. Didn’t taste like a ball of breadcrumbs or a plop of puked up Ricotta either. Marinara was spicy, fleshy and popping with personality boy.

Int. Home
Son calls grandparents.
Papa
Who is it?
Son
(Angry)
It’s me Arthur.
Are other 4 year old’s calling you on Sundays for Boy Scout donations?
Should we try again? So your embrace is less distant creepy.

Out of work music executive defending his stoner ways in divorce court.
My wife beats me up judge. At least on weed, it slows the action and I can defend myself better like Neo in the Matrix.

My impersonation of James Woods.
Had lunch with Oliver last week.
What else am I going to do?
Watch more #StormIsComing videos on Youtube?

Ricky Rocket from Headbanger’s Ball as a Political Pundit on Fox News
These Midterms are a vote for. Revival of our paradise cities or stopping the youth gone wild from breaking the law, breaking the law.

Me explaining what Eye Of The Tiger means to my 3 kids over Rocky 3.
It’s a stare which screams all business. It’s doing what you got to do. Like mama once a year on her birthday.

Obama downplaying Trump’s Border Order
It’s a stunt. Your President isn’t concerned with securing the border, legal immigration solutions or building a wall to keep out non-vetted undesirables. He just watched Red Dawn 1 too many times.

Obama on Trumps Border Order
It’s a fear mongering stunt. I would’ve deployed 10, 15 Hillary Audi 5000 Terminator drone models tops.

Obama on Trump’s Border Order
Trump wants to end chain migration. Why don’t you get Elon Musk to build you a time machine to go back in time and end the underground railroad while you’re at it Richie Rich.

Obama downplaying the Migrant Cavern at a Midterm Rally
It ain’t so bad. It ain’t nothing. None of you saw Rocky 3, did you?
Forgot I wasn’t in Mr. T country back in sweet home Chicago.

Obama on Trump’s Border Order
Trump hates the American Dream. Sure, it’s made him a morally bankrupt billionaire. But who gave you Obamacare, the Iran Deal and got Roseanne’s fat ass fired from her own show? That’s right, my live in Arabian Horse whisperer, Valerie Jarrett, that’s who.

Int. Car-Greenwich, CT
Stay At Comedian Dad
They own that pond.
7 Year Old Daughter
If we lived there. We can have picnics outside our home.

Int. Home
Wife
These chairs are made out of recycled plastic.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I bet they’re from Hillary’s Black American Express Cards because her credit with Russian Bankers is kaput.

Int. Home
Stay At Home Dad Comedian
You guys can play with these cardboard boxes outside. Make them into tent cities for rowdy Care Bears. Who try to crash your Hula Hip Hop party without an invitation.

Int. Playground-CT
Push my son on the swing. Woman next to me pushes her daughter. All I hear is Spanish from the mom and daughter.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Arthur, what happened to your other shoe?
All I see is Uno. Daddy is so stupido, doh, Eo, oh, oh.  Doh oh.

Int. Car
Merle Haggard plays.
7 Year Daughter
Why do country singers spend so much time in jail?
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
To prove their manhood because they all seem to have an unhealthy obsession with mama.

Int. Carpet Store-CT
Owner
How do your kids keep up with you?
You’re pretty high energy.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Instead of Sesame Street, I’ve raised all 3  kids on Martin Scorsese’s DVD commentary from Mean Streets.

What about self-centered grandparents Shakespeare?
“How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child.”
My mother in law adopted a rescue dog to get out of the house more often. Her 3 grandchildren lack the same gravitational pull.

Int. Carpet Store-CT
Owner
How do your kids comprehend you?
Calling you high energy is an understatement.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I raised them on AC/DC. So I’m whippets slow compared to Aussie wild man Bon Scott.

Int. Home
Stay At Home Comedian
Play with these cardboard boxes outside kids. You can make them into Roger Water metaphors. And accuse Yetta the Chicken of cultural genocide if you want to stay in character or not.

What about self-centered grandparents Shakespeare?
“How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child.”
My in-laws spend more on dog day care on a rescue than they do for their own 3 grandchildren combined.

What about self-centered grandparents Shakespeare?
“How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child.”
My father chooses tennis with Dr. Ken 350 days a year over getting to know his grandchildren on a bare minimum basis.

I hope Pet Sounds was written before Brian Wilson had any kids. I just wasn’t made for these times becomes an insufferable bitch feast to endure. When you’re a father of 3, knowing he had the Wrecking Crew to bang out new albums any time he wanted.

Shakespeare says hanging perverts has prevented many a bad marriage. What was that play called? Louie in Love with Lube, X-Videos Lost or Taming of the Blue?

Int. Carpet Store-CT
Nice Jewish Store Owner
Technically speaking, your kids aren’t Jewish.
Stay At Home Comedian
Because my wife didn’t convert out of old school yenta peer pressure alone. And refused to kick Jesus to the curb for me.

Int. Car
Daughter
Daddy, a magician in school created nature.
Stay At Home Comedian
Did he whip a Rabbit out of a hat?
Daughter
How did you know?
Stay At Home Comedian
It’s the oldest trick in the book but you made it sound way better.

My 4 year old son refusing to be depreciated.
7 Year old sister says. You’re not doing the hip hop Hula dance right. Younger brother says. Shut up. I’m doing it perfect. Pound salt Paula Abdul.

Int. Car
Lady Gaga plays.
7 Year Daughter
Daddy, what’s a Disco Stick? Is it a memory stick that glows in the dark?
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Or an unwanted prick on the dance floor behind you.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

American Dad Family Halloween Recap

American Dad Family Halloween Recap

Who are you? I don’t get it. Stan Smith, CIA at your service. You know Deep State, Swamp Thing.

American Dad Halloween Dress Up Recap
Who are you supposed to be? American Dad. The show inspired by W fucking our country into economic oblivion. After dragging us into a fake news war. When the Daily Show mattered.

 

Me as American Dad during Halloween trick or treating with my kids.
Vote in big, bright lights on Halloween. So I’m assuming your with her. The wicked witch of the east, Hillary Hammer Time Cankles and Beto. Because he looks good in a Speedo.

Me as American Dad during Halloween.
Vote in big, bright lights on Halloween. Did they lower the voting age in America to 4? What’s an acceptable form of Voter ID now, my son’s Pool pass, his Library Card perhaps?

Me as American Dad for Halloween trick or treating with my kids.

I don’t get your costume. Who are you? Stan Smith, American Dad. We wanted to dress up like the Cleveland Show family but Megyn Kelly stole all our thunder.

Me as Stan Smith for Halloween with my American Dad

I don’t have any beef with vegans. Unless they insist on listening to Samantha Bee audio books over my Do It All Dad Year Podcast. Her shrieks of discontent are murder for my ears.
family.

American Dad Family Halloween Recap
I don’t get your costume. Who are you? CIA, American Dad, Stan Smith. Pushing Roger in a baby stroller passed out in a face full of apple sauce isn’t bolstering my credibility 1 bit.

American Dad Family Halloween Recap
I don’t get your costume. Who are you? Stan Smith CIA, the American Dad. Seth MacFarlane’s most underrated creation. Trump 2020 bitches.

Me as American Dad on Halloween Trick or Treating with my kids.

The Brewers Association Board proposed a new craft brewer definition. How about tastes great with twice the calorie filling. Not that over hill hipsters like yourself give a shit.  Unlike Beto I don’t you see looking to hot in a speedo.

Me as American Dad on Halloween Trick or Treating with my kids.

Google employees protested worldwide to handle the mishandling of sexual misconduct cases under their watch. I’m assuming. The majority of the signs read “Don’t be Fake News Good” or “Stay Classy Ask Jeeves”

Me as American Dad on Halloween Trick or Treating with my kids.

Hillary’s most loyal aide wants Michael Avenatti to run in 2020. Huma had a kid with Anthony Weiner. So she’s not as bright as we think. What’s the campaign slogan Huma? Make The Golden Age of Muff Diving Great Again.

Me as American Dad on Halloween trick or treating with my kids.

Nancy Pelosi got a standing ovation at Springsteen on Broadway after Bruce took her request for Mansion on the Hill. Fuck the song Atlantic City, Bruce. Give me Mansion, Mansion. Little Stevie says. Whose the boss Bruce?

American Dad Family Dress Up Recap

Who are you dressed as? American Dad. This is Klaus. He’s an eastern German Olympic skier trapped in a Goldfish body. He lives in a fishbowl as you can see like all your fake news media heroes really. Good one Stan. Shut up Klaus.

American Dad Halloween Recap
Imposing, smooth, black dude passes by our American Dad family trick or treating and says. Get it, funny. I say. I wouldn’t knock off his MAGA hat Francine. I bet he loves Jim Brown in Mars Attacks to.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

Birth of an American Dad

Once upon an asshole my dad used to be an asshole. Never to me personally. Outside the 1 time he pointed out how the penne vodka at Pizza and Brew was made with prosciutto ends after I only gave his green goddess essence Broccoli Penne Vodka a 9.

Dada added. Daddy isn’t a pescatarian. But when I cook for our family I am. So, excluding prosciutto ends to my penne vodka means I don’t have as much flavor flavorings working in my favor. Obviously, dada was a being a mini asshole oversharing with me like he tended to do back in the day.

In retrospect, Dada, should’ve just accepted my 9 rating of his penne vodka with blanched Broccoli green goddess essence and moved on with his life. Instead, of throwing the chef at Pizza Brew under the bus as we’re waiting outside our home sweet home. Hearing my bus coming.

Dada always waited for me by the bus, when we used to live in the beautiful hamlet of Croton Falls, NY. Right, off Route 22. You can drive on Route 22 throughout every bucolic hamlet from NY all the way up to Vermont into fake news socialist Bernie Sanders country.

I won’t apologize for making fun of Bernie Sanders. He didn’t make America great again. Plus, when we took a family spring break trip to Norway. Dada came back from a bar sampling some local Norwegian brew and was told by a bartender Bernie neve even stepped foot in the country for their annual smoked fish smear convention. Tremendous tap water, in the city of Bergen by the way. So, the beer quality was naturally Ithaca is gorgeous Ithaca Flower tap fantastic according to daddy.

Did you know only 2% of American children call their fathers daddy? We never had a normal American family. Mommy being from Australia originally and daddy being a stay at home comedian dad/native New Yorker from the rough section of Scarsdale, NY. That’s a joke obviously. All the Jewish kids who went to daddy’s Hebrew school were real pussies according to Daddy.

Daddy attended Edgemont High School. Which is right next door to suburban Scarsdale, NY. His friends braved going to Movieland to watch movies like New Jack City during the height of the Albanian Guido revolution. So, my daddy and his friends had pseudo tough guy bragging rights through osmosis in comparison.

You’re probably wondering, why I’m tossing around words like asshole and real pussies so loosely being a 27-year-old nationally syndicated comic strip illustrator and co-creator of Hear My Bus Coming. A comic strip that gave Dilbert creator Scott Adams, heart palpitations because it’s gotten so popular, daddy told President Trump to unfollow the creator of Dilbert, Scott Adams on Twitter. Because he’s an unfunny, low octane personality in comparison. Trump laughed. And unfollowed Scott Adams the next day, no questions asked.

Daddy predicted Ivanka would be president after Trump was done making ball busting without the hysterical, falling apart at the seam’s overtones great again. Daddy killed at the White House Correspondents Dinner. Still getting laughs out of making fun of Hillary Hammer Time Cankles. And her deleted emails about the yoga class coupons from Lulu Lemon and those others detailing funeral arrangements in case Chelsea’s Clinton’s fiancé increased his asking price at the last sec.

Yeah, so back to my liberal use of cursing. Understand, I only curse for emphasis the way daddy always did. Before his Do It All Dad Year Podcast blew up, got Gibson Guitar as a big time sponsor in addition to Lulu Lemon and an Israeli tech start up providing social media monitoring alerts for the FBI and NSA to thwart the surge of hate formation surging in the forms of all white nationalist, Neo Nazi Groups and of course radical Islam groups not too fond of our people either. At least, Farrakhan is having his wormy eyes being eaten by real life termites six feet under as we speak.

Farrakhan called Hitler a great man when he was alive. Not a great artist though obviously. Do you see Picasso ideating the swastika? When Daddy performed at the White House Correspondents Dinner, Dada said the swastika look like 2 stick figures doing a sixty on a see saw on Crystal Meth. Daddy is very funny. I couldn’t have done our nationally syndicated comic strip Hear My Bus Coming without his punchy might. Then again, daddy would also be screwed without my artist drawing supreme abilities. His handwriting till this day. No matter how hard he’s tried to improve still looks like Jared Leto with the shakes using a pen crazed glued to his stump arm in Requiem for a Dream.

Growing up, daddy always told us how heroin destroyed all the creative greats like Jerry Garcia and how it also led to premature deaths of other artistic giant personal favorites of his such as Janis Joplin and John Coltrane, Belushi included. Daddy showed me and my 2 brothers the movie Requiem for a Dream once a month from 10 through 17. Only to read us the druggy, brain raping destroyage tales from Allen Ginsburg’s landmark poem Howl for a night cap to nail his overkill message home. It worked. God bless daddy for not holding back in that instance time and time again.

So, I wasn’t a planned baby. Mommy was pregnant with me when she got married to daddy but barely showed. Technically, speaking I already traveled overseas to Australia for their honeymoon when I was only 180 days old. Customs in Australia thought mama was a Drug Mule. Patted her down and everything. Which I took personal offense to at the time. Daddy looked nothing like Leo from Beach back then. Especially since Leo’s looks took a nose dive off a cliff after draining his face dry from way too much booze fueled nose candy plagued nights according to daddy. Only hearing last call from the bathroom stall.

Daddy started his Do It All Dad Year Podcast to celebrate other do it all dads living the new remote work American dream. Which would make the focus less ego centric and help minimize his assholishness. It did. Daddy’s much smarter than Papa and Mimi ever gave him credit for. Before he became so big time with my assistance of course. Now, they can’t help but kiss his bum more than Uncle John’s. Not that Uncle John gave daddy much steep competition anymore in comparison. Still Uncle John made out alright. Becoming the VP of Expansion Sales for Shake Shack. Lots of expensing on the corporate account. Uncle John still doesn’t know the difference between a White Burgundy or a Polly Fume Sauvignon Blanc. But he never had dad’s flamboyant, shisshy bitch tastes or style either.

My baby brother Arthur is a world-famous architect who just built the 1st space model design for Trump Tower on Mars. Our youngest brother Samuel, AKA Chef Samuels continues to expand his restaurant empire of old school hip hop themed Pescatarian Gastro Pubs. With actual dance floors to get jiggy with it on called Hip Hops. Daddy gets 10 percent of the revenue for naming rights alone. Daddy always said headline hooker creation was one his few fortes.

Oh, and Mommy eventually got her PHD in Lactation and became an internationally acclaimed bestselling writer, with her book the Boob Doctor. Daddy got 10 percent of her book sales royalties based on his naming creation ability yet again. What, I never said, Dad overcame his assholishness altogether.

For my dad’s follow up book to the Stay at Home Comedian, Birth of a Pescatarian Comedian. The book cover says. Pescatarian Diet + Heaps of Funny Equals 1 happy family. And my family is living proof of it. It’s a tremendous honor to receive the Mark Twain prize for humor and for once my daddy let me do all the talking myself. All it took was winning the Mark Twain prize to shut the asshole up. Love you daddy. You became a stand-up mensch after all. I always knew you had it in you. Now give me another never ending hug. I never want this moment to end either.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

New Vasectomy Jokes Made Snippy

Opening sentence to my new chapter entry about getting a Vasectomy called Pulling the Plug On My Life Shooter.

Is men’s productive rights, fake news doc? Does Planned Parenthood offer kickbacks for referrals?

Or I can go with this one.

Is a Vasectomy really permanent doc? Or do you struggle untying triple knots without using your teeth?

Me explaining to my future , older son how pulling out is no sure way to prevent absolute damage from your life sprayer. After explaining to him how his big sister and baby brother weren’t planned at all.

Dad couldn’t pull of a convincing pump fake if his life depended on it.

Plus, I was never touched much as a kid. So daddy became a more excitable boy than most. I couldn’t even make it to 1 Mississippi.

Vasectomy Chapter Title Ideas for my fatherhood success parenting book the Stay At Home Comedian. Controlling my Kids with comedy.

Pulling the Plug on My Life Shooter
Sperm Implanter or Sperm Terminator?

You’re so off the Corporate America grid. When you’re found most under the search term homemaker on LinkedIn. My podcast episode Raising my Kids on Speed was a total giveaway, Artificial Intelligence or not. January Jones is so much hotter than me right now.

Whose conducting Homemaker searches on LinkedIn? Are Jacuzzi Sales Reps using it for desperate housewives to plug? Her schedule is wide open for me. I can squeeze in a quickie after servicing her neighbor in my territory on Friday.

But seriously, whose searching for homemakers on LinkedIn? The VP of growth for the Savage Nation? You know for southern housewives who like to picture Savage with Sean Hannity’s shoulders and Trump’s hair.

Chapter Title Options for my Do It All Dad Imaginary Interview with Andrew Dice Clay.

John Lennon, I fucked him, oh.
Mr. Mom I Fucked him oh.
Potty Train Mouth This
Pay Uncle Rodney Some Respect
Once Upon An Asshole

I like the Hodge Twins. Calling white girls trophies is funny. Too bad they’re aren’t funnier than Mike Epps, even D. L Hughley for that matter. Their tour date announcements are thumping though.

Hear My Bus Coming Column
Did you love my penne vodka with blanched, green goddess essence Broccoli? I give it a 9 dada. You do realize Pizza and Brew uses prosciutto bits for their penne vodka? For more flavoring in their favor.

My Non-Conformist Daughter
Mommy, I don’t want to wear a Halloween outfit for school because I’m dressing up as Haley for Halloween for the American Dad family motif we’re doing, remember? Plus, I’m going to hit the next person who asks me what a hippie is.

Counter attack lines for my 7 year old daughter to use on a boy in her class who questions her lack of protein intake. I’ve got a 4 pack Ryan. You’ve got a zero pack. Did your daddy, nickname you Deltoids Dawn? I didn’t think so.

More counter attack lines for my 7 year old daughter to use on a boy in her class who questions her lack of protein intake. I have zero body mass fat Ryan. Do you even have a core Ryan? Because I just punctured a hole through your argument.

Wife
Only humans have children on purpose.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad/Father of 3
So much for fatherhood making me less of an animalistic prick. You’d think after we banged out 2 accidental miracle babies. I’d ease up on pulverizing Blondie a bit.
Me starting shit with my wife. If you do a Vasectomy search on Google. What website shows up 1st, Web MD or Planned Parenthood? Wife says. Planned Parenthood. I say. They don’t have enough monopolized power over your Fallopian Tubes already?

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Cascading Jokes On My Day of Rest

Vegetarians and Pescatarians don’t get enough protein counter punches for my kids to strike back with. Omnivores like yourself are more likely to get cancer. Increased hypertension knowing how much your parents mishandled your health isn’t helping you either.

In the brewery bathroom with 2 of my 3 kids. My 1st born is taking a number 2. Outside I hear. Who locks a public bathroom door? I reply. I got 2 kids in here. Take your Michael Jackson appreciation party someplace else

My daughter’s hilarious Mermaid deformity theory.
Mermaids are deformed and not fully developed women from head to toe because they ate too much seafood when they were pregnant. F you Louie CK. You wish your daughter was this hilarious. You to Rock.

Int. Used Book Shop
4 Year Old Son
Daddy, can you grab that book for me?
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
For Mr. Fantastic it wouldn’t be a stretch.
The puns just keeping pouring out of me today kiddo.

Texting funny to my friend.
Very proud of your sobriety bud. Natalia is taking the kids to the Bronx Zoo soon. I’ll be free to talk after I jerk off to mounting Pam Grier in Zebra print lingerie as an oversexed Zoologist.

What else are you banned from Daddy?
Besides the salon for my Hillary jokes. I got banned from the Comedy Cellar for going long because I was off to a strong start for once and invited my own caravan to attend.

I’m not 100% gay. I just never wanted to want to bang my wife too much. 3 kids later or not. What are my options now? Bang a German hooker the 1 time I had my wife agree to before we got married? Wear 5 condoms to extend my time in my occupied territory indefinitely?

INT. Coffee Shop
Older Woman
Your baby is the Gerber Baby come to life.
Stay At Home Comedian
Thank God I didn’t knock up Kathy Griffin instead.
Lately she looks like Clifford and Trans Chucky had a baby.

Int. Record Shop
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Simply Red. Just the shot of testosterone I was looking for.
You don’t find that funny, UB40? At least the owner did to confirm my raging inferno inside.

Give my baby boy a pretend jump back breaker in the elevator. Wife freaks out in disgust despite my baby boy’s shrieks of pure, flowing joy. You’re going to make the elevator jam. Wife shrieks knowing her precious boy is never this loosey goosey in her arms.

INT. Brewery
Fish and Chips arrive as 1 plop of fried fish and fries on my plate.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
My fried fish looks like a Knish.
Waiter laughs.
Now, my Limey Aussie wife is going to tell me I’m being too difficult.

INT. Bagel Store
Old Recruiter Bud
I got into sales leadership.
Now, I mange a sales team for a literacy technology company.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Kids use your platform to start off reading USA today in class instead of Sheraton Inn lobbies.

I hate Pizza tossers who tense around my beautiful offspring in their mediocre NY pizzerias. Your vodka sauce looks like brownish shit. Your marinara sauce is serviceable at best. And your Pinocchio nose looks like it got caught in a wood chipper Luigi.

Loved Joan Rivers on Fashion Police. Her story about Lenny Bruce saying they’re wrong, keeping her going after bombing for 2 weeks in a row was very inspiring for me. Still, her greatest hits on Spotify make Rodney feel the like classier, smarter, funnier act, sorry.
Madison Avenue is dead.
Some moron erects a billboard with KP and Durant saying “Make The Knicks Great Again.” Are you kidding me? Durant hates pushy, Jewy NY reporters more than 25 pound Kettle bell curls. Use your head morons.

Got the No Respect Rodney record on Vinyl today. Rodney was 43 when it came out. Which explains why my 3 kids to his 2 at 42 for me has produced such pressure packed gemry. Knowing I never had a lucrative paint sales career to fall back on in the 1st place.

By,

Michael Korbluth