Why Stay At Home Comedian Sells Huge

Half of America’s 64 million branded racists to be exact, will clamor to buy a copy because for 2 years straight they haven’t been hearing this material on Kimmel.

Who doesn’t want to read A plus jokes shadowbanned by Twitter and LinkedIn to reveal what fascist, free speech censoring, fake news morality police overlords Silicon Valley has become.  Since selling their souls to China to play Steve Jobs for a living, minus chummy relationships with Bono.

Because Stay At Home Comedian provides a funny, moving, heartfelt, inspirational tale about rising from slug to stud as the new face of the remote work revolution.

Because most prose essay stylists, Gore Vidal and Anthony Bourdain excluded, suck out loud off the page. And couldn’t ad lib laugh yanker funny if their free nespresso pod deal for life from Harper Collins depended on it. Stay At Home Comedian doesn’t have this issue nor does suffer from self-esteem issues, writing about himself in the 3rd person like a too tall Jew, Rick Henderson in the process.

It sells huge because books on fatherhood suck and mostly boring novels nobody reads anymore anyway.

Its sells huge because in Stay At Home Comedian Joan Rivers lives, by outpunching her prose by loading his paragraphs with more condensed, smart laugh yankers than she ever did in her essay collections like I Hate Everyone and Diary of Mad Diva, no offense.

It sells huge because of the jokes in Stay At Home Comedian have been embraced and loved by Twitter homies and WordPress Peeps already.

Its sells huge because 1st person narratives on fatherhood from a comedian’s perspective haven’t existed prior because the successful ones have been to busy on the road making a living, trying to keep their families together. Being a Stay At Home Comedian/Father of 3 with no grandparent assistance in sight. I haven’t had such freedom or a booking agent, or enough practice stage time to do so.

It sells huge because Whoopie will love my story about Paul Mooney on the View.

It sells huge because the Good Men Project has republished chapters of the book prior solidifying my good man status such as “Wishing My Son’s Birthday Never Blows”, “3 Kids is Brave” and “Birth of a Pescatarian Comedian.” Also the Good Men Project partners with other publishing sites like the Huffington Post so I can’t be perceived as too much of a hateful, divisive monster. Especially after you feel the palpable love and gratitude I express for becoming an unplanned parent in my falling for fatherhood love tale for the ages.

Its sells huge because half of America can’t resist stories of my kids hugging flags and reverse narrative control, describing in full blown comedic detail why Hillary Hammer Time Cankles is not and will never be my daughter’s role model.

It sells huge because I’ve amassed 27 hours of A list standup material in the form of 57 plus podcasts over 1 year alone off the weed. John Lennon wishes he was this productive during his stay at home dads years.

It sells huge because in the age of me to, there’s been no other do it all dad pride incarnate voice, insisting on his 2 sons carrying around pre-poundage release forms once they start junior high.

It sells huge because the brothers love me and I always said, Kayne West knows friendship best.

It sells huge because New Yorkers grow up in melting pots like myself so Stay At Home Comedian can connect, entertain and move almost anybody.

It sells huge because I’m a more literate, hungry, poetic Howard Stern.

It sells huge because my children are superior company than most which is a glorious reflection of my own larger than life personality.

It sells huge no other humor books are funny because the real comedians who get laughs on stage for a living, save their best material for their road act off the page.

It sells huge because the writing in Stay At Home Comedian isn’t edgeless, soft served, musings on parenthood compared to Tina Fey’s Bossypants.

It sells huge because other prose stylist essayists like the late Christopher Hitchens don’t talk about God in the most heart tingly, soul stirring way I do.

It sells huge because I’ll look better than Michael Chabon on the book cover despite my eyes not looking as dreamy, nor be showcasing my chosen curls anymore.

It sells huge because Stay At Home Comedian slapping his bum with a spatula as his 3 kids point up laughing in hysterics is money in the bank, after the reading the caption below, controlling my kids with comedy.

It sells huge because men don’t have any modern day, funny man, American stylists to fill Bourdain’s shoes until now. Fire and Knives published my piece Anthony Bourdain Rips My Frozen Lunch Apart. And empower his voice with even greater, lacerating gusto at my expense.

It sells huge because what else are you getting your dad for Father’s Day next year,  a book by BJ Novak? He’s likeable but nobody loves him. Comedy Central felt the same when they resigned Trevor Noah for the forseeable future.

It sells huge because I’ll go on Seth Meth Meyers only to make fun of him. If you’re not scared of Trump, then, I’m into my mother as much as Seth Meyers.

It sells huge because if Ben Shapiro can make anyone endure his voice past the 2 minute mark, then I’m made in the shade.

It sells huge because old school comedians like Seinfeld will get his wife to promote by book based on the chapter “Shoulder Rides on the Shoulders of Comedy Giants alone.”

Its sells huge because by writing about my 3 pitch perfect, ultra sweet kids I minimize my asshole vibe while still delivering the laughs better than others.

It sells huge because I’m dunking a basketball on the back cover while slamming a Torpedo double IPA beer from Sierra Nevada which is worth the 27 dollar price tag alone.

It sells huge because I’m more loveable and just as biting as Roseanne ever was.

It sells huge because my computer passwords for everything are either best seller or Samuel wins, my lucky number 3. So Stay At Home Comedian, “Controlling My Kids with Comedy” is bound for glory. Freeing me up from a 8-7 job so I can write more best selling books with my lucky 3 Samuel by my side.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

What Happens to Stay At Home Comedian?

He scores a lit agent and a big time publishing deal for his follow up smash hit book, Birth of a Pescatarian Comedian, Family Meals Reviews one rant at a time.

He celebrates by taking his daughter skating in Wollman Rink in Central Park this winter before they nosh on primo high end smoked salmon tea Sandwiches at Tavern on the Green soon after. Giving his daughter a taste of the big time for a change.

He helps co-write a book with the 11 year winner of Shark Tank, Jack Bonneau about financial literacy for aspiring young entrepreneurs deciding to be their own best role models called, Trillionaire Baby. And Betsy Devos makes it mandatory reading for all US high school students graduating the 6th grade.  Opener reads. 7 year old daughter asks me. Daddy, how many zeros are in a trillion? Daddy, do you really have to Google that? Daddy, are you financially illiterate? Is this why you call yourself a degenerate Jew? Dad replies. I did have to partner with a 12 year old with enough profit making prowess and working financial credit to write a book on the subject kiddo.  I only wish my Math SAT scores were sealed like Obama’s college records.

He takes his family to Copenhagen next summer for a book signing tour, becoming the funniest, most outrageous, spokesperson for the wonders of attachment parenting and how working remote in addition to controlling our kids through comedy can make our kids great again.

He buys his son Arthur Morrison Kornbluth his own guitar already and befriends a guitar teacher. And write a book together about the greatest guitar shredder history teacher of all time. Who wants to make guitar shredding pop metal sheik fly high with the angels for old times sake.

He renews his vows to his wife, Natalia Anna Duffy, but writes them on his own this time. Obviously, only being in charge of the wedding playlist 7 years ago was his only capable contribution.

He buys his wife the wedding ring based on his own earnings, not his parents because his wife Natalia, future Boob Doctor, Lactation Consultant for the stars deserves to be showered with love for her endless investment post three children in his funny man writing paying huge dividends already.

He starts hosting his family meal review cooking show Double Talk With Chef Samuels, his Gerber baby incarnate 2 year old son on YouTube, scoring Ninja blender as their 1st major sponsor in the process.

He takes his Do It All Dad Year podcast to new heights by becoming a medium for dead famous dads, conveying their must hear messages, resolving unfinished business for tremendous, hilarious, moving impact.

He writes a thank you letter for every sales manager who ever fired him,

He flies out to LA to celebrate with his best bud Jay, who always believed in him making it, despite coming home from work, watching him tell a bomb show of joke stabs in front of the mirror again and again.

He goes on Tucker Carlson to shower love on Barnes Noble and his publisher Harper Collins for keeping freedom of speech alive and for not shadow banning him yet.

He goes on Howard Stern and makes fun of Howard for paying his writers shit.

He goes on the Joe Rogan Podcast and get’s stoned for old time sake because he’s really earned it this time around.

He appears on InfoWars and says Joan lives after every punchline he delivers.

He appears on the Russell Brand podcast and suggests they do a movie together about getting banned from England and pissing off the royal family royally.

He performs at the White House Correspondents Dinner in 2020 as a 2 time best selling author. And does 20 minutes on Michelle Wolf and Raggedy Ann go to a bar material alone.

He get’s out the house more than usual to take his old friend Chaim out to lunch in Manhattan for encouraging him to do a podcast which lead the launch of his successful author career.

He reconnects with his old high school friend Ari who told him to keep writing on top of saying, you can be great.

He takes out his copywriting teacher at Media Bistro in Manhattan for pushing him to write a pilot for Amazon which lead to his TV writing break at VH1 Classic in Manhattan for America’s Hard 100.

He takes his dad out in Arizona for a round of golf on his dime for a change. Mom asks: Why are you acting like such a big deal all of a sudden son? Stay At Home Comedian replies: You wouldn’t be interested. Mom says: Why not? Stay At Home Comedian responds. Remember, the letter you sent me stating, to never expect you to show any interest in my writing career as an unemployed comedian/father of 3? Silence ensues. Yeah, like I said, you wouldn’t be interested.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

Good Men Project Conversation Starter

You want a conversation nobody is else is having Good Men Project? Fine, if preparing is caring. Why do I have to be called a sexist, for insisting I pack my handsome devil sons pre-poundage release forms for lunch in Junior High babe?

You want a conversation nobody is having Good Men Project? Well for starters, why is every Scary Mommy blog rip off even less funny than the last? I’m not saying woman aren’t funny but forget sleep, tired stabs at humor aren’t ever.

You want a conversation nobody is having Good Men Project? Why is Hillary Hammer Time Cankles still making any most admirable American list? Can we lock up this fake news, polling scam already? She’s less personable than Ann Coulter.

You want a conversation nobody is else is having Good Men Project? I don’t need to see Serena Williams on the cover of GQ for woman of the year. Also, didn’t she finally lose this year? Most dominant woman of the century I can rally behind.

Where was the Klan for 8 years when Obama was President? Under their sheets depressed I guess. Still, I don’t see alt right dudes in polo’s and Tiki torches making Schillinger in OZ shit all over his combat boots either.

You want a conversation nobody is having Good Men Project? Why wasn’t Lena Dunham voted most Admired American before Michelle Obama? Lena had a hit on show on HBO. Michelle hasn’t produced shit for Netflix yet.

Mayor Koch said: “It’s not good for one’s self-respect to be a punching bag.” So when your brother accuses me of being less Jewish than you during Christmas Eve babe. I’m not going to Shadowban myself on the spot.

Letting my Dad off the hook.
Sure, he didn’t play an active role in my pubescent, man molding development. Then again, I didn’t offer him much extracurricular activity to be with involved with on my behalf past Tecmo Bowl either.

Brilliant swinger of the year award idea without me coming off as a complete scumbag. I meet a soccer mom at the playground. I ask her. Want to start a footsie club with me? It’s the perfect petting cheating cover.

Explaining to soccer moms what I do at the playground. I communicate with spirits of famous dead American Dads on the Do The All Dad Year Podcast. Dark comedy dad entertainment for you and me. I need to get out of the house more. I know.

Me explaining what I do after my debut parenting book about being a stay at home dad comedian in the age of meto fake feminists makes me a household American name. Now, I host a family meal review show Crazy Good Dada on Youtube with my star powered 20 month old seed Chef Samuels. Because my daughter thinks we’re primed to make big bucks exploiting his excitable, all american gerber baby, looks for all their worth for our pescatarian diet promoting family at large.

Daddy, what’s an elitist? Defending Obama no matter what. Despite nuke gifting Iran, blaming Benghazi attacks on a Youtube video, illegally spying on Trump and Hillary emailing yoga class coupons to YourmamaObama@gmail.com.

When Lebron loses a close game in LA. I bet Obama copes by tearing through his secret stash of Almond Joys. Hidden behind a box of duct tape from Costco.

6 millions hits later, I learn 420 is Hitlers birthday. I haven’t felt this betrayed since Stallone snuck Mel Gibson into Expendables 3.

New Rule Bill Maher.
When your mom converts to Judaism because she’s a Godless Chameleon like Hillary. So what difference does it make? She loses all right to bitch about her Jewish son not calling her on Christmas Day.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Chosen Curls Was Bound To Woo

Out of the womb, he rocked a moosed up mohawk, looking like a dreamy cross breed of Vince Neil and Bret Michaels in the making. Who doesn’t require makeup to pull off the Cock Rock Wailer look.

Most babies are born baldies which is gross. Plus, they’re born with indentations on their heads. Looking like they were dropped on an anvil one too many times, because Nurse Jackie got the shakes since running out of Methadone.

My breach, flipper baby was born a day before my mother’s birthday. Finally, my wife had living proof God wasn’t picking on her anymore.

Chosen Curls mounted his high chair in 13 months flat with rock solid drive, like Elle the Body Macpherson double dared him to do it.
Everything about Chosen Curls screams nature boy woo. Like him trying to poke Sleeping Beauty’s eye open with his pee pee on his sister’s Amazon Kindle.

Chosen Curls was bound to woo. He stops traffic in Stop and Shops even after their Prime Rib sample station opening.

I almost missed the birth of Chosen Curls because I had to wait 5 hours for my in-laws to arrive. Because my father-in-law let his wife drive and chose to pass on exerting his  manhood in this instance despite his past professions on the phone 5 hours prior about them being “on my side.” My younger brother was planned to babysit my 2 other celestial beams of light once my wife went into labor. After he arrived at our home sweet home, he thought it was a bright idea to ask me to get him stoned off the sticky icky stuff, during his 1st stint babysitting my children ever. So I called an audible and recruited my in-laws to drive down from Delaware to look after the kids instead. After this golden opportunity I gave my younger brother to show he really cared about helping me out in my time of need, went up in smoke.

Chosen Curls was bound to woo . He’s been blessed with the most naturalistic, non-strained smile of all time. As opposed to Leo’s strained one because he’s grinding his teeth from too much sub par blow taking again.

Chosen Curls was bound to woo. He waddles with excitable joy across the room like Charlie Chaplain junior after taking a dump in his pants. Without ever loosing his non-predatory charm along the way.

Chosen Curls was born to woo. He throws a powerful, straightforward jab at 20 months old. I’m not calling him the 2nd coming of Adonis Creed but his big brother will be crying No Mas in no time. No offense Art Show but he’ll break you.

Chosen Curls was bound to woo. At 20 months old he’s already throwing 5 pound free weights across the room like he was flicking Pistachio Nuts Shells at Andy Dick passed out in the Viper Room 3 hours before New Years Eve.

Chosen Curls was bound to woo. As Chef Samuels in our family meal review show, Crazy, Good, Dada. He points at an onion and says, eyes. Or on my smart phone, showing a clip of Chelsea Handler after election night. What difference does it make?

Chosen Curls was bound to woo. When he claps it up to Moth Into Flame by Metallica in the car. He emanates rip roaring, feel good joy. Rock Star Ready’s emotive, clapping antics could go viral alone.

Chosen Curls was bound to woo. When we’re in coffee shops and busty Italian Milfs ask to hold him. I’ll tell him later. You do realize your star power stems from dada’s tree trunk, right?

Chosen Curls was bound to woo. Big sis and big bro are tucked in. I ask. Rock Star Ready, you wanna hear one of Dada’s podcasts in bed? He yells with excitable glee, yeah. My wife won’t even bookmark my blog.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Better Than Loved

What’s better than loved Dada? Being looked up to with your pure good blasting eyes, Female Flash.

My 1st born Singing Rose is my sweeter, funnier, ten times smarter twin. Compared to her 2 brothers, she looks like me the most. Although you’ll never hear Baba give daddy long legs credit for my star making gene power.

I hate hearing. Kids ruined my life. Like you had to decline so many invitations to the Playboy Mansion afterwards. Besides, it’s not my fault your daughter is a blah brained, dimmed projection of your borderline catatonic, lobotomized personality.

Kids ruined your life. Stop acting like your Whiteboard rehash reiterations at the Phoenix Airport Executive Lounge made such riveting lore to begin with.

Kids ruined your life. Yeah, I don’t see your daughter’s 1st grade teacher fantasizing about cloning more versions of your dumpy dour twin during your next parent teacher conference either.

Reality is, my Kettle Bell dense strong, effortless hilarious, daughter, Sweet Clone Matilda. Is an out of this world, life giver, infinite upgrade upper. She’ll take anyone in touch with her orbital spin of supreme loveliness higher.

I got my TV writing at Vh1 Classic in the big city when she was 2. Then, Matilda could only deliver 1 word punchlines for our comedy act at the deli. “Matilda, what did Tyson Chandler give the Knicks?” Daughter says. “Bupkus, daddy, Bupkus!”

Now, my 7 year old daughter is picking out and checking out Ivy and Bean chapter books with her own library card. Because she has to make up for her dad’s reading shortcomings. Whose never read a book of fiction in his life according to her.

I just learned how my dad was the headliner speaker at his best friend’s funeral, not his 1st born daughter. This upset me tremendously. Knowing my own daughter has admitted prior to murdering Uncle John, if he’s a no show at my funeral.

I don’t care what the daughter’s eulogy about her dad was about. A daughter is a dad’s special baby forevermore. Who outshines whatever purported, killer set eulogy you delivered on your best bud’s behalf. No offense Dad.

My parents describing themselves as involved, affectionate grandparents 8 days a year is a prime example of good grandparent derangement syndrome. But their horse shit pool net in place of a fence 8 years later makes up for it.

I’d drop Matilda off at daycare once a week when she was 2. Tear up and say. I have to get more writing done Matilda. Because my mock copywriting ads for Woodford Reserve, “CLASS IN A GLASS”, is no cash crop to bank future earnings on anytime soon.

Better than loved is the never ending hug with your 7 year old daughter at home, prompting her to say “Daddy, I never want this moment to end.” But ease up on my rib cage a bit. Is this what mama means about you being too rough with her?”

Better than loved is your daughter taking one bite of your Burrata bomb, roasted homegrown cherry tomato basil specked, cornmeal meal dusted pizza and saying, “Daddy, I know you really want to be a comedian. But can’t you be a pizza maker in Heaven instead?”

Better than loved is a daughter who makes this do it all dad feel like the luckiest man on earth. For being the sweetest, most emotive, comedy bud giver superior I never had.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

Bare Minimum Grandparent Providers

Baba isn’t God’s gift kid. Nancy Reagan was an actress before she became a house wife. Baba was a hairdresser for a day before her Spanx fitting, the following week.

What’s your reason for leaving your wife, substandard sex? Grandparent, step up upgrade.

INT. Wife’s Childhood Home
Bare Minimum Grandma Provider
This place is a dump.
Me
You never see your grandchildren Rosa. And stop act like your living room wasn’t an avalanche of disorganization to begin with.

Stay At Home Dads have a grace period before both Grandmas resent your existence because they never enjoyed mothering the way you did. Nor did they engender the same gushing affection from their 2 children compared to your adoring, gaga eyed 3.

Facebook made bare minimum grandparents cheapo love providers. Who needs real face time when you’ve got an endless photo feed filler? To comment on with Emoji’s because you’re an emotionally retarded expressionist resistor.

Wife
You have a bit of persecution complex.
Me
Name a stay at home dad mensch who doesn’t.
You think it’s funny calling myself a mensch?
If a stay at home dad comedian won’t jerk off his superior parenting skills who will?

What’s a bare minimum grandparent provider? A grandmother insisting on watching the local news after dinner. Acting like her 3 grandchildren in the TV Room over Christmas break is cramping her tight in the Spanx style.

I’ll elaborate. What’s a bare minimum grandparent provider? You ask her to babysit once a year over Christmas Break. And she replies with: What time? And Eric hasn’t taken my fat ass out for 2 decades and counting. What time? Like working overtime is in her vocabulary.

Mom
I never told you to become a garbage man. You just need to be a provider.
Me
Thanks for the news flash mom. Because I live to be looked down on by my wife as an exploitative, deplorable dependent bitch under permanent house arrest.

Hey, babe if I get a job at the XFL your mom will hate me forever. Why, you’d have a job? The founder Vince McMahon is boys with Trump. His wife Linda is charge of the Small Business Administration for the White House. Resist this Rosa.

What’s a bare minimum grandparent provider? Grandma saving money on UPS delivery and only sending pictures of her birthday gift for her grandson knowing he’ll be able to collect it 2 months later in person.

What’s a bare minimum grandparent provider? You get texts like Dad mailed Arthur’s card through US Mail, not UPS. So his pathetic fill in excuse for my son’s b-day is a meager act of generous, worshipful spirit for his grandson.

What’s a bare minimum grandparent provider? You get texts like Dad mailed Arthur’s card through US Mail, not UPS. So I shouldn’t be in a rush to judge dad anymore than in my republished piece Wishing My Son’s Birthday Never Blows.

What’s a bare minimum grandparent provider? You get texts like Dad mailed Arthur’s card through US Mail, not UPS. So Dad’s pathetic fill in for his real life presence because he doesn’t do the cold anymore can’t even show timely love.

Hey, babe if I get a job at the XFL your mom will hate me forever. Why, you’d have a job? Not just any job babe, but for a company which has a mission statement I can believe in. Alternative NFL for Gen X proud patriots is Nirvana. Courtney Love would concur.

Hey, babe if I get an executive recruiter job at the XFL your mom will hate me forever. Why, you’d have a job? Babe, it’s the only new startup which will value my old school hustle and xenophobia of social selling only.

Hey, babe if I get a job at the XFL your mom will hate me forever. Why, you’d have a job? Yeah, for the patriotic, America’s Gladiator alternative to the NFL. She won’t be able to take my patriotic powered might anymore, USA, USA.

Editor
Due to your tongue and cheek humor.
We can’t tell what side you’re on.
Me
I’m on God’s side. The one Facebook likes to blotch out in favor of live steaming torture, Kiddie Porn links and F Jews, Farrakhan sermons.

Just to be clear any dumb fuck CIO who doesn’t know how to set up a SKYPE account. Is an overrated full of shit, overrated hack to begin with. I’m also questioning his salesmanship which explains why he’s stuck as the CIO, not CEO.

Editor
Due to your tongue and cheek humor.
We can’t tell what side you’re on.
Me
If I was such a homophobic, Xenophobe.
Why would I go back to a steam room in LA Fitness for a shvitz?

Hey, babe if I get a job at the XFL your mom will hate me forever. Why, you’d have a job? But XFL Magazine isn’t making fake news fro man of the year. To appease his deflated ego in the form of an ex-participation trophy.

What’s a bare minimum grandma provider? One who doesn’t make breakfast till 10:45 AM over Christmas Break. When you’ve had all year as a stay at home doggy sitter to prepare for the arrival of your 3 grandchildren with gifts still in cardboard boxes.

Hey, babe if I get a job at the XFL your mom will hate me forever. Why, you’d have a job? I see. So being a future best selling author/ stay at home dad of 3 kids, only 1 planned is chopped liver?

What’s a bare minimum grandparent provider? You get texts like Dad mailed Arthur’s card through US Mail, not UPS. Got the message. Wishing his grandson’s birthday day never blows isn’t the focal point of his existence.

What’s a bare minimum grandparent provider? You ask holier than now baba to babysit once a year over Christmas Break. And she replies with: But Eric never takes me out anymore. It’s no longer about you Unhuggable Cunt.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Daddy’s German Au Pair Enthusiasm

My 7 Year Old Daughter mocking nacho flavor Cauliflower crackers.
They’re too forced pinko for my taste Dada.

Me flirting with a German Au Pair at the Kids U.
Do you use the word Hipster? Yah. I hear Berlin is more Hipster than Munich. She lights up, Yah. I assume Lena Dunham would still be a virgin in Germany. Yah.

I appreciate your enthusiasm screams, have fun at your Trump rallies. Until my impeachment fantasy comes true and musky Mueller is knighted with an Old Spice campaign in his honor. Too bad, Trump’s not sweating it babe.

If someone is adamant about you not pissing them off. It means you pissed them off royally. Especially, when you learn later about what garbage their Twitter feed is consumed with.

Once Mueller calls it quits and a wall is erected. Resisters will have only 1 year to recuperate before year 4 of Trump’s historic 1st term presidency. US troops coming home beats my mother’s in law’s go to sock gift, USA, USA, USA.

I appreciate your enthusiasm is what HR says to you. Because asking their husband if they want to hang out and talk is normally drowned out by their dumpy husband throwing on his noise canceling headphones soon after.

I appreciate your enthusiasm is a patronizing blow off. It screams, nice hat hick. What difference does it make? Is a close 2nd but not really.

INT. BARBER SHOP
Me
What was Meat Head Archie in the Polo fleece so miserable about?
Besides, my blond haired kids outshining his ginger white privileged squareness whole.

INT. BARBER SHOP Version 1
Barber
What’s your book about?
Me
Being a stay at home dad in the age of me to fake feminists.
Who uses aggressive toned comedy to fight back with.

INT. BARBER SHOP
Barber
What’s your book about again?
Me
Being a stay at home dad fighting for respect through the power of punchline driven prose about dads being more stimulating parent coaches than mom.

INT. BARBER
Me
I’m glad Serena Williams is on the cover of GQ for woman of the year. Because photo shopping Bobby Seal’s leather jacket from the Black Panthers on Collin Kaepernick would’ve been really forcing the issue.

Let me guess the #newinstagram allows you to filter out presumptive hate vibes produced by your driving selfies. In order to secure your safe space shelter immune from charges of narcissism gone wild.

My extended flirt exchange with a German Au Pair at the Kids U.

You’re from Germany. Do you hate Merkel? Who? Angela Merkel. Yah, people love her. But she was just forced to resign. She’s ok. Obama get’s the same downgrade treatment here.

HR asks me. Will commuting be an issue after being a stay at home dad? I say. After looking after 3 kids 3 summers in a row. My commute will feel like a 5 week rave in Germany.
I hear German men get 1 year of paid maternity leave yah? Au Pair says. But you have to be employed prior. So an HR Manager for SAP Germany would still see 3 gap years, not 2 for you.

Do you drink German wines? Yah, French ones to. But I’m only 19. Do you have a fake ID? Yah. Do you have house parties with other Au Pairs? No. I would’ve exploded in my pants if you said yes.
Is it possible for a kid you take care of to profess greater love for you than her own mommy? Yah. It’s happened to a friend of mine. Is she taller than you? Where do you hang out exactly?

Are most German girls tall like you? Yah, most men in America are much smaller than me though. You mean my people the Jews. Who hate how Trump towers over them in more ways than 1.

I read a parenting book that said German parents let their kids play with knives as early as 4. No, not you. I guess they were no extra circumcision knives lying around your parents pantry.
I hear German families let their kids play outside the house unsupervised. So parents have more free time inside to play with the Au Pairs themselves.

Me sabotaging my flirting session with a German Au Pair.

My Mother In Law only allows my 3 kids to have fun in her cramped, designated playroom downstairs. So she doesn’t hear the patter of happiness upstairs. Total Nazi Move, right?
The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Defending My Jewishness on Christmas

Lebron James is less likable than John Oliver on the rag, 4th of July Weekend. After too much Sangria.

Triggering my younger brother who insists on saying Happy Holidays.
Trump’s a Nazi. Ivanka keeps kosher like Lebron’s ex money manager handler. In every Spike Lee film every made. Merry Christmas.

Why does nobody want to join Lebron in LA? Because he’s a fake news deep narcissist/black supremacist. You know like Obama with talent. Look, I’m a rich bitch, oppressed beneficiary of a private Catholic High School scholarship in Akron, Ohio.

At this point, I think it’s safe to say Kevin Spacey bought the Old Vic in London Town to do more than lunge at actors in tights backstage.

Feminism gone crazy.
Wife says. It isn’t fair how our kids schools make our kids think Santa get’s them all their nice gifts, not me. No offense babe but Michelle Obama doesn’t make a convincing Santa either.

Wishful Thinking Act Out
Rosa, you’re making my Jew blood kids wait to decorate your tree?
Without my people, Jesus included, you don’t have a Christmas Tree celebration symbol to decorate, no offense. Joan lives.

Whenever Obama’s mentioned during the holidays in a glowing light. It’s always something superficial related. Lacking no meaty substance like his Almond smoothie diet resolution. Which Michelle strong armed him into again.

You haven’t seen Black Panther yet? I don’t think all the gushing reviews on Rotten Tomatoes are kosher. I don’t follow Lebron James on Twitter and my Jew money never bought the hype.

I don’t get it. You haven’t seen Black Panther yet? I’m still working on learning the backstory behind the creation of black Green Lantern. I’m assuming his ring used to be a Super Bowl 1.

 

My father in law saying he’s going to pump up the same deflated basketball in his driveway every Christmas. Is like Hillary deflating Democrats left saying she’ll run again if you believed she’d win again.

I’ve grown to love saying Merry Christmas. It’s a very liberating, forgiving feeling to wish happiness for Gentiles who wouldn’t let you in their country club if they could afford the membership fees.

INT. IN-LAW’S-DELAWARE
Loser Brother In Law
Someone’s going to the big house soon.
Me
Biden’s a child molester, big house talking.

The Mule is awesome. Michael Savage is lame for downplaying the majestic, weathered awesomeness of Clint in it. Granted, it’s no Gran Torino but what is? Clint ensured a single word wasn’t changed in that script.

I don’t understand how resistors live with themselves clinging on to baseless claims of impeachment which have less legs than Lieutenant Dan. Last, sour puss Huma Licker defenders start talking shit with no previous provocation every single time.

Brother In Law
My sister’s more Jewish than you.
Me
Like your father would ever pay 10 large for a nose job.
He’s still sporting the same Tommy Bahama shirts from 86.

INT. IN-LAW’S HOUSE
Mother In Law
No more bouncing on the mattress.
Me
It’s only a wellspring of endless joy for your grandchildren. Who you’re too fat to play with because you have a chair for the shower. Drop five tons and you can regain a bounce in place of your hippo troll waddle. Banning Lollipops next?

Int. Bar
Eagles Fan
Do I know you? Because you’re staring at me.
Me
(V.O)
I really wish I was Beanie Sigel in this instance.
Hard knocks will have to wait till I take up MMA eventually.

Wife
What if Trump get’s impeached?
Me
Then the Deep State, you know Swamp Thing wins.
But not if JFK Junior has anything to do with it.

INT. WINE SHOP TASTING BAR
FEMALE PATRON
I just want to stay to see what he has to say next.
ME
This Sauvignon Blanc is very poundable like Elizabeth Hurly always.

EVERYONE HOWLS.

 

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

Shoulder Rides on The Shoulders Of Funny Giants

Shoulder Rides on The Shoulders of Funny Giants
Why are your eyes still bugging in Comedy Heaven Uncle Bernie? I can understand why Kevin Hart would be surprised to get in here, but not you, neither does America.

Shoulder Rides on The Shoulders of Funny Giants
Classy move, Uncle Miltie paying your funeral costs Lenny. At least, I didn’t have to wear a dress to score a leg up on the competition.

Shoulder Rides on The Shoulders of Funny Giants
Thanks for the shoulder ride Uncle Redd. I wouldn’t be able to see Wilson Picket bring down house at the Apollo in comedy clown heaven with so many Afro clouds obstructing my view.

Shoulder Rides on The Shoulders of Funny Giants
Looking good Freddie Prince Junior. You look well rested for a change.

 

Shoulder Rides on The Shoulders of Funny Giants
Am I supposed to hide in your bag of dildos when it’s your turn Uncle Patrice?

Shoulder Rides on The Shoulders of Funny Giants
So what’s weighing you down more Uncle Milty?

Shoulder Rides on The Shoulders of Funny Giants
Do you think this can make the blooper reel for the remastered basement tapes from of the Larry Sanders Show Gary?

Shoulder Rides on The Shoulders of Funny Giants
How are my legs touching the ground Don? I thought Jackie Mason was a tiny Jew compared to you.

Shoulder Rides on The Shoulders of Funny Giants
Did you really shit yourself during your druggy runs years with Jessica Hahn, Uncle Sam? When you do Giant Stadium in front of 85,000. It’s all downhill from there kid.

Shoulder Rides on The Shoulders of Funny Giants
On the Marc Maron podcast, Obama said you were his favorite stand-up comedian, Uncle Gregory. You know he really wanted to say Flip Wilson in drag, right?

Shoulder Rides on The Shoulders of Funny Giants
Uncle Richard, you do know your best friend Mr. Mooney only dedicated 2 paragraphs to you max in his pamphlet thin autobiography? That Blair Underwood wannabe is crazy.

Shoulder Rides on The Shoulders of Giants
Why aren’t you dead yet Mort Sahl? Then again, I’m sure you die a thousand deaths every time you see Bill Maher do your act on Real Time.

Shoulder Rides on The Shoulders of Funny Giants
The roasts suck without you Uncle Giraldo. Jeff Ross isn’t any easier on the eyes either.

Shoulder Rides on the Shoulders of Giants
I’m not taking magic mushrooms to see we’re all interconnected as one Hicks. Just tell me another funny dinosaur story bit. You know, my big sister likes Dice better than you?

Shoulder Rides on The Shoulders of Funny Giants
It’s just a shoulder ride Uncle Carlin. There’s no need to strip the moment of all feel good joy by renaming it: Your daddy didn’t give you enough of these, did he?

Shoulder Rides on The Shoulders of Funny Giants
Who wears a robe to Hershey Park Rodney? Kiss my giant ass kid. I made Back to School. Show Uncle Rodney some respect. Things are different in comedy clown heaven.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

What Gen X Parents Understand

I understand my resistor mother knows nothing about me 42 years later because she tells me over the phone about buying my son golf clubs for his upcoming 5th birthday, followed with, “chances of him going pro are a long shot.” I reply. “Mom, I understand your measured optimism, considering how your 2 sons turned out, within the field of competitive athletics. But you don’t get to parent again through my kids. Your window of parenting has been closed shut for 24 years now and change. Last, at what point did you think I’d smile, nod my head and take a small time vision involving my 1st born on the chin? As you thrust your potential limiting labels on my love supreme seed like some hired hack parenting coach interloper. When you’re not even around your grandchildren enough to make an informed, sound talent assessment in the 1st place.

Grandma’s arrogance never dies, Gen X Parents understand this much. You can’t wait to watch the new movie about Bush. So, you can relive the glory days of when a dumb fuck President, military industrial complex puppet pawn represented the real 4th axis of evil in the White House? Even the director of Cheney, Adam Mckay, big fan, loved the Big Short, went on record to the Hollywood Reporter calling Bush incompetent on every level and way worst than Trump. During the interview he also criticizes Bill Clinton administration’s lax regulation policy which acclerated the future Great Recession. Which your ex employer JP Morgan Chase played a huge role in. Getting the ratings agencies to stamp Triple A on bundled loans in the form of the Mortgage Backed Securities. Which would’ve sent the world economy into the never sinking abyss. If the Fed didn’t start printing Tarp funds like it was free fucking monopoly money.

Gen X Parents understand Grandma isn’t God’s gift to parenting or else you wouldn’t be carrying on love affairs with strangers on Twitter after being shadow banned for 2 years straight.

Gen X Parents understand Grandparents still play favorites yet this time in the form of grandchildren allocation love. Matilda, my 1st born out of 3 is my parents clear cut favorite. Matilda’s a faultless, linguistic, super deep genius already yet Grandma still feels compelled to point out from a call with her grandson, Arthur, that he doesn’t speak clearly yet. Based on my mother’s huffy, high handed assessment of my son’s ho, hum expressive might. You’d think he’s the next kid to star in the Jeremy video remake. Who just blew his brains out in class. Making sure he was heard loud and clear today. I text back to my mom last night. Arthur is a comedic genius. All 3 of my children are because they stem from do it all dad’s tree trunk over here. If Arthur doesn’t enunciate clearly it’s because he’s talking too fast and his tongue hasn’t caught up to his on fire brain again. Also, Colbert is a stiff, hysterical, low energy hack when reliant on his nerd personality alone. Last, Trump’s IQ is twice of what John Oliver has to offer. Plus, he’s twice as funny off the cuff and never bores you to death sounding like a know it all bean breath twirp in the process either. Let’s not act like John Oliver is a comedic heavyweight in the league of Ricky Gervais either. Resist this. OK, not my words exactly but you get the gist.

Gen X Parents understand, over-scheduling kids schedules is an off shoot, defensive result, to fill their kids free time with more than Different Strokes and Facts of Life. Which got us nowhere fast.

Gen X Parents understand, CNN and MSNBC exist to keep the NY Times from going out of business.

Gen X Parents understand Pee Wee should’ve stuck with playing with bikes.

Gen X Parents understand Dice was the fearless, alpha male, cool man clown, we all wanted to be.

Gen X Parents understand the Goldberg’s show is a rosy version of our lives growing up before Magic made HIV disappear.

Gen X Parents understand Patton Oswalt’s voice is no Daniel Stern’s from Wonder Years. Which always sounded way more like Richard Dreyfus.

Gen X Parents understand, complex carbohydrates are overrated but keep you fuller and less portly longer.

Gen X Parents understand hair power ballads are still cherished because they’re beautiful, kick ass songs about romantic longing. Which never got played out in our hearts.

Gen X Parents understand Jada Picket Smith, was quite manly, white man’s the root of all evil, standoffish since her supporting role in Menace to Society before she did Dead Presidents and disappeared forever.

Gen X Parents understand our generation invented the internet garbage heap it’s become.

Gen X Parents understand no amount of Internet porn options will ever recapture the mountain of muff mint, golden years of VHS, Boogie Nights porn.

Gen X Parents understand Social Security, Pensions and company loyalty are less secure these days than Hillary’s bladder after one too many bottles of Cake Bread Cellars Chardonnay on election night.

Gen X Parents understand how a non-affectionate, constantly yelling, zero life teaching, anti-Jeff Garlin in the Goldberg’s, can result in their children becoming druggy, dependent degenerates.

Gen X Parents understand the importance of teaching our children the importance of who the real bullshit assholes are in the world. Like anyone in the media or government who’s ever normalized or not trashed ANTIFA for the violent, terrorist, free speech killing thugs they are. Who promote the seizure of property and killing of wealthy whites because Deblasio’s got their back.

Gen X Parents understand hip hop back in the day was the most bad ass, hilarious, accessible, social change activist minded, slamming poetry ever produced. Before Master P flashed his grill and ruined everything with Krunking.

Gen X Parents understand high profiling, guitar god shredder slingers of yesteryear are deader than Tara Reid’s Wet Bikini contest career.

Gen X Parents understand Zit Face Zuck should’ve banned Baby Boomers from using Facebook before Diamond and Silk. Extending an olive branch to parents who had no business spying on our new family lives in the 1st place.

Gen X Parents understand Sierra Nevada Ale is the pale ale that never get’s stale.

Gen X Parents understand grey specs in their beard represent signs of well earned wisdom because we know the difference between Hilter and the fucking President of the United States. Trump’s Hitler, in what Inglorious Bastards 2? Make Nazi Germany great again, wasn’t his campaign slogan dude.

Gen X Parents understand how the good old sock son in law gift is an ideal I don’t give a shit qualifier.

Gen X Parents understand Collin Kaepernick sports a fake news fro. Have you ever seen a bi-racial afro that big before? Slash from Guns and Roses, his stab at it was a total flop.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth