Put Your Uncle Sam Sales Hat On

Did you know America is in the midst of a coin shortage right now? In a post COVID world, we can’t stomach the idea of looking at the significant others we live with one second longer, so we’ve taken up coin collecting to maximize face time with Dead presidents while taking up the most boring hobby again instead. Wife yells from downstairs, “What are you doing honey bun?” Husband yells back, “I’m working on my coin collection babe. It’s our country’s new favorite hobby after prayer shaming, spitting on Vets graves and trivializing the Holocaust through banning the Pledge of Allegiance because we live under Big Tech’s rule, especially since Good Will Hoodie at Facebook sold his soul to the Chinese Ministry Of Truth. Who cares if Chinese made fentanyl has killed more crackers in this country than Taylor Swift kicking with Lena Dunham on Instagram? Who cares if Facebook has anointed China as the ultimate judge of good versus evil, despite the Corona virus made in China being responsible for your dad having to give his mother in England only a virtual kiss goodbye on her death bed? But at the least the New Yorker will know better to start every Zoom call now moving forward with, “Hands up high Toobin, where I can see them. You’re having a hard time getting a grip over the fact that Hunter Biden is starting to make Charlie Sheen look like slacker underachiever, I get it. But take a load off on your own time and don’t come around our Zoom calls no more.”

So, if you’re a parent in America today, who’s not enthralled with the prospect of enabling a future generation of ungrateful, hate filled Punisher vigilantes for ANTIFA or intent on blowing a mini fortune on an Ivy league education for your only kid to become a glaringly unoriginal, uppity, knee-jerk reactionary, blah breath hack reporter like Jefferey Toobin for the New Yorker, then I’d start selling your kids early on why patriotism matters because our schools won’t anymore. My kid’s elementary school just canceled the Pledge Of Allegiance. Will my kids school cancel Apple Pie next because it’s too aggressively cheery for kids raised on 13 Reasons Why? I never received an email from my kids school about why they canceled the Pledge of Allegiance although I suspect the expression “under God” was no longer deemed inclusive enough for the parental sect of east coast atheists who send their kids there, intent on sucking off their Gods like Bill Maher till their last dying breath. Plus, if working parents today want to keep their jobs, they must show a commitment to improve their social justice righting credit score at work by only retweeting AOC tweets comparing our border detention facilities with centralized AC, designed to stop rampant sex trafficking of minors to Nazi death camps. Plus, parents today need to be equipped with endless President Trump insults at the tips of their tongues to remain uncanceled by their far younger, mope maligned Millennial Mouseketeer coworkers over shared Taco Tuesdays, since eating lunch within their walled in office of yesteryear is now branded too alt right white collar xenophobic for their ad tech startup tastes.

It’s beyond time for American parents today to assume the responsibility of selling our kids on the importance of patriotism because respect for our elders today is lower than Hunter Biden’s Yelp rating for the Mac Shop he forgot existed until the NY Post reported on it, in Wilmington, Delaware. But parents today can still entrust Netflix, EPSN, CNN, the NY Times and especially Twitter, to teach their kids the importance of standing up for the National Anthem and putting their hands over their hearts for it at ballgames instead of futzing with their smart phones to watch Tommy Lee videos on Instagram, shouting at fake news Devils. Yeah, and Judd Apatow is the Chief Happiness Officer for Breitbart.

When I push my kids on the swing, I assume the persona of Sly Stone from the original Woodstock and sing with real deal fly guy feeling, “I’m going to take you higher.” How does this playful sing-along push routine teach my kids patriotism matters? Because I tell my kids Sly Stone was a star voice behind a prideful, black nationalist musical movement in the sixties, which was a source of empowerment, not divisive derision, which didn’t command whitey to never eat in peace in a restaurant patio again.

I teach my kids patriotism, which is love of country, by teaching them about the great melting pot New York City is, which boasts more than 200 dialects, so insisting only black lives matter insults a boatload of other immigrant sects. I teach patriotism to my kids by emoting about the greatest Moderate Muslim of all time Muhammad Ali, who floated like a butterfly and stung like a bee, inspiring other mouthy kids from Louisville, Kentucky to boast to Dad, “One day, that’s going to be me.”  My 3-year old son requests Jimi Hendrix Blues on vinyl, what about yours? So, stop acting like teaching your kids about patriotism is such a white nationalist laden snore.

My 9-year-old daughter knows Joan Jett is a lesbian punk rocker who sang Love Is Pain but made it big in the face of discrimination for refusing to be the same.

At night before story time, I mix it up and tell my kids about how Walt Clyde Frazier beats Dr. Seuss as the coolest cat of rhyme who lead the Knicks past the Lakers in 73 at the Garden by dishing 19 dimes.  My kids hug American flags in the street, because I’ve shown them pictures of President Trump doing the same, which is pretty sweet, proving infectious love of old glory is hard to beat.

I teach my kids that taking a knee is the equivalent to kicking Nazi destroyers in the nuts and spitting on Vets graves, housing those unfortunate drafted sons who Jesus could never save.  I teach my 3-year old son love of country for pointing out how America the Beautiful gave birth to thrash metal guitar great Dave Mustaine, by showing him a clip on YouTube of him playing the Star Spangled Banner at a Little League game, which inspired my head banging son to say, “I’m going to play that one day.” Patriotism sells, so put your Uncle Sam sales hat on and soon enough, your kids will be hugging flags down on main street to.   

Michael Kornbluth

Baby Boomers Resist Quarantines To

Wife asks, “Why are your parents not quarantining themselves at their cottage in NY after flying in from Arizona last week?” I say, “Because my mom is convinced Trump is going to win again anyway, so what the fuck? Plus, even my resister boomer parents, respect Bill De Blasio’s authority less than Trump supporters respect polling numbers, since the NY Times predicted Hillary Hammer Time Cankles would waltz into the White House with the assistance of an Iron Lung, despite 64 million branded racists voting different, proving baby boomer mom doesn’t know best.  The Drunken Deplorable Druid must have deleted that memo to.

Michael Kornbluth

The Relentless Optimist

What I love about President Trump the most, is his relentless optimism and over the top salesmanship. If Fuck Face Fauci told President Trump he contracted the HIV virus, because the Deep State pricked him with the virus in his sleep like they did to Easy E. The next morning at 530 AM still your President Trump would tweet, “Do I have I HIV? Yes, but my t-cell count numbers have never been stronger.”

Michael Kornbluth

Cooling On The Knicks Ex-Golden Child

 

I don’t like Jeremy Lin anymore because he’s a fake news Christian. If he was so concerned with spreading the light, then take a stand, and don’t play for the Beijing Ducks, asshole. I’m positive LaVar Ball could start his new tweener league with Lin as the semi-deplorable star in JR Smith’s eyes.  It’s not as if Jeremy Lin is hurting for cash. I’m also calling  Jeremy Lin a fake news Christian, because claiming you wanted to play for the Knicks after Linsanity no matter what, is bullshit because I wouldn’t after JR Smith bitched about the golden child hogging the bike lane all for himself. But what really burned me about Jeremy Lin’s interview with the NY Post was the total lack of provocative questions such as, “Do you really believe Obama was a baller at basketball, knowing he rode the bench at an all Asian private school in Hawaii?” or, “Despite Melo’s career resurgence in Portland, do you think he should be the new commercial spokesperson for Tampax Tampons, because he’s responsible for stopping so much flowage?” Last, “Do you think  Conan being demoted to TBS makes him feel like a resounding winner inside, knowing NBC deemed him too eccentric, nerdy for the Tonight Show’s taste in addition to NBC just being fake news bullshit in bed with China now like the rest, TNT included?”

Michael Kornbluth

Chapter 10 Burning Mask Party

https://doitalldadyearpodcast.libsyn.com/chapter-10-burning-mask-party

The Killerset 

Masks Are The New Condoms

Not Wear The Mask Iron Lungs

The Italian Reptilian Inside

Our Post Plagued Universe

It’s A Failed Photo-Op In Chinatown

The Worst Beard Mayor Of All Time

No 9/11 Light Memorial For You

Pro Near Abortion Tales

 

 

It’s a Failed Photo Op In Chinatown

How did Trump mishandle the made in China, Coronavirus  again? He banned all incoming travel from China in March while Mayor De Blasio told us to visit Chinatown and get a grip. Who cares if Hizzoner had to use a fork because he failed to pick up even one dumpling during his failed photo op with chopsticks?

Michael Kornlbuth

Make Scowling Great Again

Why doesn’t Biden just let Kamala  Harris run for President instead? Because Vice Presidents lives never matter, especially when they remain  discarded vice presidential nominees among the dustbins of US elections past, because scowling doesn’t count as charisma. Plus, middle class black America has a low tolerance for another fake news biracial hopeful one after Obama did less for black people than BLM protests have done for NBA ratings on TNT.

Michael Kornbluth

Batshit Crazy Pelosi

Batshit Crazy Pelosi sent a Chinese bat into our house to take me out for insisting on social media how the Chinese Community Party has resisted investigations into the source behind the Coronavirus more than Aquafresh.  My wife insisted we get vaccine shots to prevent us from getting Chinese Corona Rabies from the bat just breathing dead dog on us in our sleep.

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

Bill Gates Defending China On Bloomberg

Bill Gates praising China’s response to the Coronavirus on Bloomberg.  Bill Gates says,  “It’s not China’s fault, America was dumb enough to believe them when they said the Corona Virus was only transferable if Count Chocula were to pop out of your cereal box and suck your blood.”

Michael Kornbluth

Disney Bought Fox Because

The Corona China Virus has cost Walt Disney 1.4 billion. But they bought Fox so they’d be discouraged to do hard hitting investigative pieces on Jefferey Epstein’s ties to Rape Wood and his underage sex slaves giving pedicures to Matt Groening’s gnarly looking toenails on Lolita Express, without a face mask on, to ensure his sex slave manicurists would be forced to look extra animated about it.

Michael Kornbluth