Stand Up Staffer

Matilda Singing Rose Kornbluth lived for playdates with her best friend from Columbia Shannon, who turned her on to Shakira, despite her Do It All Dad insisting at 1st, “Shakira is a belly dancing lounge act for Saudi royals on holiday.” Only for his daughter to fire back in her standard hot pitch, effortless fashion, “Actually, Shakira is the most downloaded artist of all time and those stats don’t lie Dada. Feeling good about being dejected in the presence of such all-natural sales star ease, Do It All Dad admitted defeat with playful, funny man charm by wrapping up a conversation he regrated getting into for the most part by now, saying back, “I wish mama’s hips concealed their ever-widening reality already.”

Do It All Dad also operated an IT staffing business, Stand Up Staffer from home, placing front end developers, graphic designers and now UX designers throughout the Island of Manhattan. On Stand-Up Staffer’s business card was a long stage hook like the one they would use at the Apollo on Amateur Night except in this pic, a bearded, Millennial Mouseketeer stick figure hipster in glasses is getting hooked off into the loving saving, life enriching arms of Stand-Up Staffer. The slogan for Stand-Up Staffer on the card states, “Been Talent Hooking Since Y2K”, before LinkedIn thought leadership posts by Marc Cuban would make Jack Welch shake in his penny loafers made out of Leprechaun gold teeth.

Do It All Dad was also a part-time, open mike comedian in both LA and Manhattan before Matilda was born, so his daughter Singing Rose Kornbluth otherwise known as Grace In Motion, was bound to absorb her father’s always on, constantly pitching leanings. When Matilda was only 2, she could only string 2 words together, so her Do It All Dad would mold around those limitations, understanding the always relevant adage, “less is more”, especially when you’re in the pursuit of hooking a hiring IT Director’s interest in hearing about a hot to trot candidate over the phone out of the freaking blue, without making any contact prior or intent on delivering a fumble free 1st joke difference maker, which determines whether you score a semi-respectable set with enough momentous, kickstarting oomph at another open mike in the East Village, with 5 other struggling, aspiring stand-up comics stuck in their heads, rehearing punchlines bound for comedic glory compared to your hack stabs at being professionally funny for 5 minutes straight at a time. Still, Matilda would always shine in the scripted lines her Dad gave Matilda to score laughs with at 2, so she grew up trusting her Do It All Dad’s stand-up sales wisdom even more each, day, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do It All Dad’s favorite routine at the deli back in the day, when Matilda was only 2 was, “Hey, Matilda what did Tyson Chandler give the Knicks.” And Singing Rose Matilda Kornbluth would take the nookie out of her mouth and say, “Bupkis, Daddy, Bupkis.”  When Matilda was 5, her Do It All Dad enrolled his 5-year-old in acting camp despite prolonged protests from mama stating with huffy annoyed disgust, “But she can’t even read yet.” Do It All Dad snaps back with, “Will watch Rocky 2 together for pointers.” Then, the next summer, Matilda co-stared in 15 or more commercials uploaded on to YouTube for his Standup Staffer business, which later lead to her Do It All Dad scoring a retainer staffing fee to place a VP Of UX Design for a new food tech startup, FOODIEFRIEDNFORLIFE based in the NOHO section of Manhattan, billing itself as a lunch matching service, for single working professionals, who wanted to network with new business contacts over a shared Rib Eye for 2, knowing your vegetarian girlfriend never would. Plus, you could write off these pricy, big deal conjuring lunches, as a new business development expense if you worked in B2B sales, account management for Madison Avenue or as an Associate Editor for a major publishing business to woo literary studs on the rise, who weren’t complete social spaz attacks, off the page, who exuded more than 0.0 charisma off the page.

Matilda’s favorite commercial for Standup Staffer, included the one called Blond Power, where she plays a star UX Designer whose worked for 20 companies in 5 years stating, “I fall out of love easily like Trump.” Then when asked why she decided to dye her hair blond, Blond Ambition says, “Guy software engineers prefer blonds to feel smarter and superior. They’re nerds remember?” Plus, only ugly girls go to coding boot camp.” So, Matilda was no stranger to performing and selling as she started the 4th grade, especially knowing her old school go to line whenever her dear Dada used to pick up her from daycare in Scarsdale Village after working for the man Robert Half in Manhattan was, “Can I get a treat Daddy? I was fuss free today, fuss free. In short, Do It All Dad played a huge role helping transform his daughter into a supremely confident, effortlessly charismatic, logic loaded, never too overtly wordy dronish, sales machine. As a result, it pissed off Matilda to no end, when The Girl Scouts Of America denied her entry, after admitting to marching in the annual Israel Day Parade with her dear Dada, because it was insensitive to Arab Scouts in their troop despite their alleged secular, wholesome girl next door leanings, despite there being a Planned Parenthood abortion referral fee patch in the works, since full term abortions in New York State became Kosher in the empire state’s eyes under Governor Cuomo’s all-knowing watch, otherwise known as a the cold blooded Italian Reptilian inside.

Matilda fumes to her best friend Shannon over the phone about being denied more primo face time with her friend through The Girl Scouts Of America, saying, “Israel not the country, who fires rocket into their neighbor’s backyard, expecting nothing more than an Edible gift basket in return. Hamas terrorists in charge of their government, are supposed to be trusted partners in peace, 8 days a week, my chest.” Matilda also admitting to Dude Looks Like A Lady being her most liked song on Spotify, didn’t warm her up to The Girl Scouts Of America either, especially since the Boy Scouts started admitting girl men like Juno into their ranks to.

Matilda Singing Rose Kornbluth was intent on revenge now, for being denied more face time with her best friend in the universe and launches Standup Sitter Club, an accelerated sales camp for kids, which unmasks the power of cold calling, for those interested in scaling their babysitting business to the next level.  Because of that, the head PTA Mom calls a sit down with Stand Up Staffer who runs his own IT staffing firm from home who gave his daughter the idea of recruiting burnt out goodie two-shoes from the Girl Scouts Of America in the 1st place. Matilda started Cold Calling Camp seminar lectures with lines such as, “Smartphones Don’t Come With Balls To Make Cold Calls For You” and, “You spent enough time on your ass doing more remote learning from home. The 1st rule of Standup Sitter Club is no chairs when cold calling.”

Now, the head PTA mom in charge of her local Girl Scouts chapter calls Stand Up Staffer to demand a sit down, threatening to report his daughter to the better business bureau for unfair recruitment practices since Matilda’s Cold Calling Camp For Kids Camp depleted her group dry, by offering commission heavy rip profits. Babysitter sounds so passe. Matilda’s stable network of enterprising babysitters were rebranded on LinkedIn as Creative Play Consultants.”

Stand Up Staffer meets the head PTA mom at a local coffee shop and says, “You can’t knock my daughter’s Cold Calling Camp For Kids. The only way to get ahead in life is to cold call yourself into stranger’s hearts. I wasn’t introduced to my wife of 10 years through a friend. I didn’t swipe her over to my lap at a new cider bar opening in the east village. I didn’t overcome my zero confidence, shyness stutter from a fancy internship connection to the agent training program at Creative Artists Agency. I didn’t break through the soul destroying, mentally crippling door of dependence on my parents to pay rent for my apartment in West Hollywood through being bequeathed some cushy IT Account Manger role to wine and dine IT Directors  who worked for wine distributor behemoth Southern Wine and Spirits, to secure more job orders to fill, without having to throw my balls on the line in the service of winning over the trust of new clients through sheer audacity and relentless, houndish delight while minimizing my sprinklings of spamish overtones until I became more polished in between.”

Stand Up Staffer adds, “More importantly, your daughter Maya is making bank at Standup Sitters, earning hefty referral babysitter fees up the wazoo. Also, let’s not depreciate your daughter’s increased ability to listen better due to her hardcore cold calling camp training, making it easier for her to bear drawn out conversations with you with more emotionally presence awareness and concern, next time, you start moaning on about your immovable belly rolls, 3 kids later, or how life offers rapidly depleted meaning once your daughter outgrows the need for mama’s nurturing hugs, as you pop open another boozy, mommy seltzer again, for head lightening relief.  PTA mom says, “If I can’t knock the cold call, then can I hit you in the face really hard once? It might turn you on actually.”

Michael Kornbluth

Do It All Coach Dads Podcast Pitch

LaVar Ball’s son Lonzo Ball got him a Bentley for his birthday. Do you think a son would hook up his dad with a Bentley for his birthday, if he wasn’t the driving force responsible for him signing an NBA contract with the Lakers, so he could become everything he dreamed to be and that much more?

Barry Bonds had Bobby, Ken Griffey had Senior and Brandon had Bruce Lee, Grant Hill had Thomas Hill, Luke Walton had Bill. Are you touched yet? Do you have any interest in learning how these Do It All Coach Dads bonded through coaching with their new and improved seed, especially knowing their genetically blessed offspring, were also prime beneficiaries of such remarkable, war won wisdom to derive from the start?

Regardless, if you’re dad or not, it’s impossible to not derive some vicarious form of do it all dad pride from mere pictures of father son athletes done good like the one of Rick and Hall of Fame father Brent Barry after he won an NBA Championship for the Spurs.

What drove these Do It All Coach Dads to assume ownership of their kids life education? Because aren’t all coaches, at least the good ones, life coaches who instruct us how to become leaders of men on and off the court, if they push those to the limit, who inspire others through their sheer hard work, passion, grit, imaginative play, commanding flair and developed communicative touch?

When I think of my favorite movies, which fill my soul with infinite do good, empowered, fighting back possibility, I think of the relationships between Rocky and Mick, Mr. Miyagi and Danielsan, even Drago and his son in Creed 2. The one scene, where Drago’s son storms out of their dinner meeting with his mom and the Russian dignitary she left Drago for after losing to Stallone in Rocky 4 was brutal to watch for me, especially, when Drago’s son says to his Dad soon after on their way out the door, “She abandoned us.” I cried on the spot when watching this scene. Drago had done some hardcore bonding with his son through coaching to say the least. Dragon’s son in Creed 2 also represents all of his unfulfilled dreams, which is a common theme most Dad star athletes of yesteryear can identify with and I’ll take Glory Days by Bruce Springsteen for 500 Alex.

Do It All Coach Dads Podcast will give coach dads their long overdue praise and the much needed star studded spotlight they deserve because it’s their opinions about the enduring importance of faith, the power of positive thinking, visualization, preparation, goal setting, will power, practice, hard work, motivation and grit who I care about learning from the most. It’s those Do It All Dad Coach Dads who disperse experience informed tips on what ultimate success looks, feels and acts like as teammates, co-workers, husbands, fathers who I care about learning from the most on a sports educational podcast, not from some random 19 year old rookie in the NBA on Twitter who still educating himself on Hitler, sorry.

Who taught Do It All Coach Dads about how to bounce back from defeat? Who taught these Do It All Dad Coach Dads that the only way to feel like a winner is to win again? How were these Do It All Dad Coach Dads raised to hate losing more than I-Tunes jamming more unasked for singles from U2 down your throat?

Do It All Coach Dads Podcast sells Do It All Dad Pride in raising strong kids, who live to compete because the act of competition and pressure packed adrenaline from performing live in front others, is responsible for bringing out their best fighter selves, while team sports offers the more emotionally expansive opportunity to achieve a greater sense of wholesome purpose and blood on blood unity, which is hard to replicate in the boardroom or in the office kitchen for inclusive, Taco Tuesdays, with plenty of vegan options, after their college playing days are long gone.

Do It All Coach Dads sells do it all dad pride in raising inspirational leaders instead of sheepish followers, doers instead of talkers, creators instead of consumers, builder uppers, instead of belittling, put’um downers.

Bonding through coaching can make our kids great again. Do It All Coach Dads will tell sports related stories of triumph and comeback success, through interviews with Do It All Coach Dads and their kids sometimes together, to focus on the holy, unique bond formed among father coaches and their cherished student athlete children, who receive the greatest gift a father could give their child, like the late great Jim Valvano once said, “My Dad believed in me.”

Michael Kornbluth

Arousing A Lit Agent Into Action

Dear Terrie Wolf,

Resist This is a pre-election comedy special book, flush with clean, smart, edgy jokes you’ll never hear on Bill Maher, about the resistance insanity and endless excuse tour that’s consumed Big Tech, Hollywood and the media online and off, since the big, bad, blond wolf beat Hillary Hammer Time Cankles fair and square, proving baby boomer arrogance, and millennial mouseketeer petulance never dies. Chapter 11 What Gen X Dads Understand , contains all family related material in the book, which closes out this killer set for the ages with hardcore, punchy pop. It will take a brave Literary Agent with keen bullshit detection lens to embrace my material from start to finish. I hope you’re one of them. 

Tech censorship is a major problem in this country. Hate Speech is a term used to silence those who praise President Trump or those who dare to criticize the continuous divisiveness generated by Obama Be Good or from any of his media enabled minions in pop culture or in Congress who wants to cancel Israel. Do I need to name names? How much time do you have exactly?  Last, I think the sales potential for the audio version of Resist This is huge, 64 million branded racists and growing, to be exact. I also envision enormous international sales in Canada, Australia, India and Israel. Tell me I’m not funnier than Russell Peters and I’ll make my not my President mother happy and become a garbage man for a living like a good deplorable provider for my family of 5 already. Below, is a link for Chapter 1, Hate Speech Dragon On Fire. 

My Very Best,

Michael Kornbluth

https://doitalldadyearpodcast.libsyn.com/chapter-1-hate-speech-dragon-on-fire

Sticking With Nerf Football In The Yard

My dad pushing eventual Pee Wee Football on his grandson is another example of him trying to make me bow down to his authoritative opinion, which makes me think he’s the one with brain trauma from feeding his head with too much acid at Woodstock. Because if I bowed down to this belabored, weak ass pitch command request, I would’ve shied away from doing political  material during my speech at my younger brother’s wedding, when I said to his old pal from Boarding School, “ Cam from Canada, make yourself at home and hit somebody. So, Jim Carrey can paint you as an alt right goon on the loose in Charlottesville, with a Tiki Torch in hand, looking like an angry rejected extra from the Sears Catalog in 89.

Michael Kornbluth

The Unholy Father

Planned Parenthood has a sex ed book out, In Case You’re Curious. One of the earlier chapters is, Can You Die From Masturbating Too Much? My advice to my 2 boys is, “It doesn’t hurt trying, after you outgrow your sweaty sex period with your girlfriend, which only lasts 3 months max anyway. Plus, in the age of me to, masturbation is our only safety rail left yet kids. Call me an unholy father, but pointing out the benefits of my daughter being a Lesbian, when every other guy has HPV today, which causes cervical cancer if left undetected, isn’t the worst prevent defense strategy in the world, because you can take a licking and keep on ticking. Or I can just give my daughter an HPV vaccine shot at 10, pray for the best and call it a day.

Michael Kornbluth

School’s Out Forever

Back To School is an oxymoron now. At Staples, the cashier asks me,”Would you be interested in a Staples Reward Card for back to school discounts?” I said, “2 days a week out of the house doesn’t feel like back to school to me, when your kids  are going to be spending more time in bathrobes at home than Rodney ever did backstage at Dangerfield’s.

Michael Kornbluth

Cooling On The Knicks Ex-Golden Child

 

I don’t like Jeremy Lin anymore because he’s a fake news Christian. If he was so concerned with spreading the light, then take a stand, and don’t play for the Beijing Ducks, asshole. I’m positive LaVar Ball could start his new tweener league with Lin as the semi-deplorable star in JR Smith’s eyes.  It’s not as if Jeremy Lin is hurting for cash. I’m also calling  Jeremy Lin a fake news Christian, because claiming you wanted to play for the Knicks after Linsanity no matter what, is bullshit because I wouldn’t after JR Smith bitched about the golden child hogging the bike lane all for himself. But what really burned me about Jeremy Lin’s interview with the NY Post was the total lack of provocative questions such as, “Do you really believe Obama was a baller at basketball, knowing he rode the bench at an all Asian private school in Hawaii?” or, “Despite Melo’s career resurgence in Portland, do you think he should be the new commercial spokesperson for Tampax Tampons, because he’s responsible for stopping so much flowage?” Last, “Do you think  Conan being demoted to TBS makes him feel like a resounding winner inside, knowing NBC deemed him too eccentric, nerdy for the Tonight Show’s taste in addition to NBC just being fake news bullshit in bed with China now like the rest, TNT included?”

Michael Kornbluth

Chapter 9 Quiet Riots My Ass

https://doitalldadyearpodcast.libsyn.com/chapter-9-quiet-riots-my-ass

Killerset 

Just Kneel Already

Looting Ain’t A  Thing

Ice Cube’s Freaking Out Day

Really Funny People and Seth Rogan

Not My President, David Stern

Cancel Alexa Bezos

Dreams Of Monument Sharing With Ave

From Doo Rags To Riches

All Lives Matter Is The N Word

The Greatest Cleavage Formation Of All