Whenever I’m out with my 3 kids without mommy, older woman swoon, constantly commenting to me, “Your kids are so happy together.” My reply, “Funnier dad, happier babies. I’ll wreck you in a photo off boomer dad. My kids have more muscle memory to flex from. Sorry, about you still thinking you’re the superior parent within all spheres of life, because because baby boomer arrogance never dies. At the same time, my 3 fuss free kids 98% of the time, are all glowing beneficiaries of the attachment parenting, which is turning your bed into the a 24/7 open milk bar for the foreseeable future. It’s the equivalent of planting seeds of self-esteem on steroids. So they’re not suffering from any major abandonment issues, for being another newborn who has cry it out in the crib upstairs, which is the only reason why our boomer parents bought 2 floor homes in yenta breath country in Long Island because it makes the muffled cries of despair, easier to bear.”
I hear Lebron is struggling to fill roles for Space Jam 2. An Amy Schumer comedy credit on his IMDB page doesn’t matter anymore? I don’t know what’s funnier, Chelsea Handler becoming a full time social justice warrior to downplay her tit’s sagging popularity or Lebron’s , repellent, period prone personality.
Even in Ken Griffey Junior’s doc on ESPN, Lebron James, King of the Persecution Complex manages to act more petulant persecuted than ever. He says, “When you grow up where I did, the only sports you can play are Basketball and Football.” In other words, fuck Ken Griffey Junior’s comfy, black upbringing, chilling in the dug out watching George Foster crank out 52 dingers while I had to grow up in a fatherless home, only for my mama to shit where I ball and bang Delonte West because there’s nothing else better to do on a Tuesday in Cleveland anyway. Why do you think JR Smith was finally able to remain focused on the court and not have Rihanna suck him dry to the bone. Last, what the hell is Lebron James doing in a doc about Ken Griffey Junior? Lebron’s ugly ass jumper heave ho, will never be in the same class as Ken Griffey’s picture perfect, swing blasts for the ages. Plus, Ken Griffey Junior understood his personality limitations and stuck to smiling on Wheaties boxes and Upper Deck Rookie cards. Last, Ken Griffey Junior would never wear a Yankee hat if he grew up in Akron, Ohio, in attempt to project their dynastic aura, regardless if the NY Post called Ken Griffey Senior a less approachable Joe Morgan, until he started ripping fart bombs in the dugout because Junior was only 19 years old when he signed with Seattle and was more into Fresh Prince than Soundgarden.
Lebron James never get’s called for traveling because the NBA is a safe space for Lebron’s ego.
Also, the NBA never calls traveling on Lebron because no ref wants to be accused of racial profiling.
Imagine Lebron finally getting called for traveling in the NBA Finals against the Celtics. After Lebron freaks out, the Ref from southie snaps back at the King Of The Persecution Complex, “Go woke yourself. Larry Bird played with a broken back and still beat Magic’s Lakers in the NBA Finals, Drama Queen Diaries.”
At the local farm or park my team is an adorable sight.
My 3 kids and I out of the house never fail to delight.
I hear we make a good team.
For the delivery of all 3, I was heralded as the birth coach of dreams.