Condemning Fake News Boomer Moralists

 

My not my President father, says, “Mayor De- Blasio should be hung.” I said, “So your condemning the laser blinding of cops, setting cop precincts on fire and throwing more than sparklers at a Federal courthouse in Portland by you know who?” Dad says, “What hell are you talking about? I’m talking about New York City. I say, “Sanctuary city lawlessness, with zero bail, who instructs their police to stand down is all the same and points the moral arc toward hellishness on earth. But keep on thinking you’re on the right side of the history in honor of Obama Be Good, Boomer.  My mom actually had the gaul to tell me to my face, Lyndon Johnson was a “great president.” Because he was recorded in the White House while perpetuating the draft and the Vietnam War, the most pointless war ever, saying the Great Society would make the sure the n people vote democrat for the next 200 years. Well, the times are changing ma, and you’re backing a candidate who talks down to black reporters like crackheads who bang their dead brother’s widow because Hunter’s libido matters most.

Our Post Woke Plagued Universe

California Governor Gavin Newsom  is set to release up to 18,000 prisoners by the end of August to slow the spread of COVID.  Can’t the Correction Officers just raid their cells for smokes and call it a day? That’s right, Nancy Denture Breath Pelosi is decrying weed as a miracle drug to cure Covid, despite the disease responsible for puncturing holes through lungs, requiring lung transplants among certain Covid carriers as young as twenty years old. So what’s the difference?

Michael Kornbluth

Jeff Ross Roasting Jay Z

Jay Z sat out the anthem during the Super Bowl because back in the VIP room before the game, Jeff Ross busted his balls, saying, “Hey Jay, don’t you think child separation could be a good thing? I mean look how you turned out. Plus, if Coco never got separated from his parents, he never would’ve become a mini Los Lobos in the making.”

Michael Kornbluth

 

The Wise Black Grandma Replacement

Wish I subbed my no-show, whiny Jewish Grandma for a wise black grandma for my wedding. I’d post an ad on Craig’s List with the headline, Wise Black Grandma Needed. Then, add below, Tyler Perry impersonators are welcome to apply but you must be comfortable performing in front of white audiences only.

Michael Kornbluth

Notes From A Triggered Proofreader

You know your editor isn’t enamored with your fellow Israelites, when she insists you’re arrogant for making a crusade joke, because I point out how killing Jews who refuse to acknowledge Jesus as their lord and savior is as arrogant as it gets. But I’m the one perpetuating negative stereotypes of Jewish people for being greedy about making all the Nazi jokes I want, because Nazis require safe spaces now to. Go woke yourself. The Swastika does look like 2 stick figures doing a sixty nine on Crystal Meth. Also, you gotta love comments such as, “I’ve never met any Muslim Holocaust deniers.” I didn’t know Plano, Texas turned into a no-go zone for Farrakhan licker jokes, my bad. Also, name a comic who isn’t cocky, and I’ll be glad to tell you how much he sucks in real time, long time.

Michael Kornbluth

Lego Stores Post Corona Are Off The List

How can I be transphobic? If I’d rather suck off Bruce Jenner with no makeup and be forced to swallow every last demon drop, than have to go into The LEGO Store again to buy a Harry Potter LEGO set, after the coast was clear, with my 3 kids faces all covered, including my own, which made me feel like Michael Jackson on holiday in Dubai after Magic made HIV disappear.

Michael Kornbluth