Dumping on 30 Rock

Citizens of Flint Michigan received eviction notices for unpaid contaminated water bills. Wow, Flint politicians hate black people more than Michael Moore’s makeover.

New title idea which made me laugh.
Dumping on 30 Rock. The big tree in my yard made me think of it. On top of, Alec Baldwin losing his surging sense of purpose.

Deblasio threatening Trump.
Send us Central America’s finest and will sue.
Machete ban bills weren’t included in the Green Deal.

Sanctuary Cities will welcome all the illegal aliens Trump sends in their direction because MS13 will prevent gays from gentrifying their fixer upper neighborhoods again. Sounds like a smart a revenue model to increase quality of life to me.

I ask my daughter Matilda. What happens in Rocky 4? Apollo dies.

My son slacker shaming me.
Now, that my leg sprain is healed. I want you to call me a slacker if I’m not on the tread mill every morning before you get up. Stop making excuses slacker. You’re worse than Hillary.

Beto looks better than Obama in a speedo on Transgender bathroom bans.
Your girls shouldn’t be scared because Jim identifies as Jimbolina. And Jimbolina is a lady. And ladies don’t leave pee on the seat.

Memo to David Brooks.
Trump represents a moral crisis in this country. Baby Boomer Mom doesn’t know best. Stop making excuses for being a sniveling, scruple free, zero personality hack. You’re worse than Hillary.

The Constitution is at stake in 2020 Denture Breath Pelosi? Is Baby Face Omar pushing to replace it with Sharia Law? Ginsberg is dead, so what radical overhaul do you anticipate exactly? Is we the people, changed to Sean Hannity?

John Hamn gave Kamala Harris a one thousand dollar campaign donation. Is that how much he charges for a pearl necklace?

Michelle Obama says Trump is making our country sick. Wrong, your hired peon Jussie Smollet trying to start a race war under false, orchestrated, paid for pretenses is what’s sick and twisted, sister.

Luke Walton on the phone with dad.
You keep on trucking dad. I need to replace my Grateful Dead tattoo with a Nipsy Hussle one today. If I stand any shot of getting big time free agents to play for me and sign on the dotted line.

INT. PHARMACY
Worker
I went to Amsterdam for Spring Break.
Stay At Home Comedian
The Anne Frank Museum is enormous.
I’ve never seen so much closet space.
I expected a cubby, not a walk in closet.
Joan Rivers was jealous of her fame.

 

INT. DMV
Stay At Home Comedian
Ban ICE because homeland security was so weapons of mass destruction years.

Me being passive aggressive at the DMV after getting hates stares from illegals.
If my Aussie wife had a cousin who wanted a NY drivers license, what form of ID would be required? A social security. I guess poncho is screwed then, huh?

Stoner insight into Kiss.
The song Beth wouldn’t be as depressing if Beth had children to keep her comfy, warm and far less alone. Than touching herself with Ace Frehley’s guitar picks at home.

Calling my dad on his I don’t know what year birthday.
Happy Birthday Dad. How have Mom and Jonathan lit up your world today so far? Let me guess, they fail to capture the majestic sparkle mist from your 3 grandchildren over here.

INT. HOME
Wife
There’s no pink tax on Viagra.
Stay At Home Comedian
Guys aren’t taking Viagra to bang out more babies babe.

For my wedding, I should’ve replaced my no show, whiny Jewish Grandma with a wise black grandma. Post an ad on Craig’s List. Wise black Grandma needed. Tyler Perry impersonators are welcome. Must be comfortable performing in front of a white audience only.

The End

By,

Micahel Kornbluth

Too Funny

Big fan of Russian Doll on Netflix although I feel like a total fairy for being more aroused by the cool techno beats, spacious Manhattan pads and Natasha Lyonne’s fancy, slick scarves versus any lustful urge to mount her tied up to sky scraper high bedposts.

My mom is from Louisville, Kentucky. It’s more like mid west south. Not really deep south, where finger food is anything which tastes like your cousin’s panties.

Mom is from Kentucky. Growing up she’d say, “Son, Kentucky is known for horses and pretty women.” I say, “Mom put your sundress on. Before you tell me Dad is hung like Seabiscuit.”

INT. Daycare
Mom says to her kid.

Mom

Tell the Pirate joke.
What’s a Pirate’s favorite letter?

Stay At Home Comedian
Z because he’s passed out from drinking too much rum.
Little Girl
Too funny.
Stay At Home Comedian
Thanks for my next blog title kid.

Why would Kellyanne Conway be against POTUS insulting her husband on her behalf? You wouldn’t want your boss to dump on your hack husband on your behalf? Trump is the master troller insulter. Plus, he’s easier on the eyes than Jeff Ross.

INT. HOME
Wife
Why are you reading Art of the Deal to your son?
Stay At Home Comedian
So he could close the deal with Ivanka’s daughter when he get’s older.

Dershowitz: Dunes, has no case against Twitter. Don’t you have a fake news ethic class to teach at Harvard scallion breath? Sound more like an establishment, money hungry puppet mouthpiece whore for hire.

Memo to Judd Apatow:
Trump supporters are cult like Zombies. Did Gary Shandling, Albert Brooks, Adam Sandler and Seth Rogan joke doctor the shit out of all your scripts because your online commentary sounds consistently, whippets dumb, awful.

INT. Dicks’ Sporting Goods-NY
Stay At Home Comedian
Got any KP Dallas Maverick jerseys yet?
Dicks Worker
Whose KP?
Stay At Home Comedian
The Uni who got away. Who took my remnant age of innocence with him.

Saying Trump is jealous of McCain is like saying Randy Gerber is jealous of George Clooney’s ex wife. Or of George Clooney in comparison who looks more old man Greek than Hollywood would ever admit.

Younger Brother
The world doesn’t revolve around your children.
Big Brother
You managing to read only 1 story to my 3 kids in 8 years, living only 45 minutes away for most of it speaks for itself. But thanks for the unpleasant reminder.

INT. Stop and Shop-NY
Older Woman
My brother lives in Arizona but he moved to Florida because the flight is a schlep from NY and nobody would bother visiting him.
Stay At Home Comedian
Yeah, my parents didn’t think through their move to Arizona either.

The Ellen Show now has clips on Spotify. I can’t wait to hear her witty, asides about Michelle Obama being a rock star. Is she playing the lead in a parody of the Tina Turner movie by the Wayans Brothers, What’s Talent Got To Do With It?

Trump addressing Tank builders in Ohio.
You better love me or the plant is closed.
And the movie Red Dawn becomes your permanent reality.
Bernie Sanders just dropped a load in his pants. Assuming, George Soros gave him permission.

Memo to Stacy Abrams.
Whose suppressing black votes in Atlanta? Is Andre from Outkast encouraging young black democrats to vote only Democrat regardless of what work Kayne has done to make young black men feel like less an outcast, rocking MAGA?

Friendly reminder McCain lovers, Chris Rock did a bit ages ago. Stating, war hero, he got caught. Also, he picked Palin as VP. Whose still super bangable. But he might as well have picked Mischa Barton, winning Orange County, maybe.

David Letterman is disappointed in Trump’s Putz presidency. First, Joan Rivers had used tampons funnier than you. 2nd, hicks from Indiana don’t get to use Putz, it sounds forced like you pretending to be a weighty intellectual of any kind.

David Letterman is disappointed in Trump’s Putz presidency. Jealous much? You weren’t filling up stadiums ever so fans could hear you speak solo. You we’re a stand up for a day. Howard Stern, Trump, Dice are larger than life, not you, nerd.

David Letterman is disappointed in Trump’s Putz presidency. Don’t you have a Baby Face Omar interview to do on Netflix with Oliver Stone as the Creative Consultant, blaming Jerry Heller for putting words in Omar’s freedom fighter mouth?

California Democrats demand, Trump better foot the bill for the high speed rail from San Francisco to Los Angeles or what? Find Ian Fleming’s son to pen a more convincing dossier? Stage another fake hate crime, accuse Lindsey Graham of raping Truman Capote?

 

 

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Did I Watch The Oscars Rape Wood?

INT. Goodwill
Daughter
Why would anyone donate a diamond glittered glove?
Stay At Home Comedian
Michael Jackson impersonators being put out of business permanently. Finding Never Employable Again Land.

Int. Everyday Diner
Stay At Home Comedian
Cherry, Coke.
Waitress
It’s Pepsi Cherry Coke.
Stay At Home Comedian
I thought Jussie Smollet was desperate for attention.
I’ll have a regular Coke. The ghost of Michael Jackson creeps again.

INT. HOME SWEET HOME-NY
FATHER IN LAW
Matilda, when you were 1 where were you living?
STAY AT HOME COMEDIAN
Not in Delaware with Baba and Jida, devoid of all living color in more ways than one.

INT. CAR
Daughter
Daddy, is God a boy or a girl?
Stay At Home Comedian
George Carlin called God an office temp with a shitty attitude.
Daughter
I can see that.
Stay At Home Comedian
Stop acting so evolved at 8 years old already.

INT. CAR
Daughter
Daddy, is God a boy or a girl?
Stay At Home Comedian
If it was up to Bill Maher it would be a dreamy cross section in the middle.
Daughter
Daddy, was that a Michelle Obama Trans reference resulting in you getting murderd?

INT. HOME
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
To hear Spike downplay the Alt Left’s escalating role in Charlottesville, doing their best Bomb Squad meets Beverly Hills Ninja impersonation?

Memo to Monique.
If Michael Jackson were alive to defend himself. His defense would be what? I bought homes for these kids parents and financed their shopping sprees on Rodeo Drive because Beatles royalty points can’t buy me love?

INT. HOME
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
Kayne didn’t. Plus, I don’t waste my time hearing celebs in gated communities, espousing one manufactured hate crime crisis after the next.

INT. HOME
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
Why, did Spike Lee insist Kevin Hart dropped out from hosting the awards to downplay his ties to the ruling, gay hip hop mafia?

INT. HOME
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
Kevin Hart or not, the laughs would be short in this age of Me to raped by Harvey Hair Clumps Weinstein or by Cosby’s ironically low hanging pants.

INT. HOME INT. HOME
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
Did the woman in white stand up to applaud Holocaust war hero liberators during Trump’s state of the union? Baby Face Omar can’t go against brand.
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
Only Rape Wood’s allowed to resist?

INT. HOME
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
Clint Eastwood said Obama is the biggest fraud ever imposed upon the American Republic. I’ll take Clint’s word for it over Al Sharpton Lee, thanks.

INT. HOME
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
Did Kevin Spacey buy the Old Vic Theater in London to lunge backstage at men in tights? Wait a sec, Kevin Spacey obviously did. No, I didn’t watch it.

INT. HOME
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
To watch Bradley Cooper pretend he wants to bang Lady Gaga in real life?

INT. HOME
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
If the golden Jew Adam Sandler hosted, sure. Trump’s the Anti-Christ. But Jesus defeats him. So have some faith in the Jesus comeback story people?

INT. HOME
Paddington scene with Hugh Grant.
Father in Law
He’s a Shylock.
Stay at Home Comedian
That’s a blatantly anti-Semitic, Shakespearian term used by mutt Mic, Limey cross breeds like your dumb ass father in law kids. But I’m the racist deplorable.

At this rate any more Obama shit talking coming out of baby face Omar white washes any demonizing of Israel or it’s supporters out of her pretty, innocent face for me. Please God, don’t let this be a one time fluke. Someone tell her about Joan Rivers already.

Really wish I didn’t see any interview excerpt of David Lee Roth on Joe Rogan. His laugh makes Seth’s Rogan’s laugh sound cool. Also, I’m not buying Dave being the bigger alpha male sex god in comparison to Sammy. Despite Sammy singing of love more often.

Baby Face Omar ripping Obama again.
Obama loves Hitler more than Trump. Obama wishes he was that organized. Exterminating all of his nosy critics at Fox News and Judicial Watch would be a gas.

Outsiders film review 20 years later.
C. Thomas Howell’s agent should burn in hell for wrecking his career. Machio did Karate Kid too soon. Emilio Estevez is golden in everything. And Matt Dillon mugs for the camera like Johnny Drama with his shirt off.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

New England Goat vs. The LA Mope

Me

I want meat.
Wife

But we’re making Cauliflower Wings.

Me

Then, why don’t I feel like you’re my hunger pang, guardian angel plucked down from Heaven?

Ask my daughter what she thinks of Adam Levine’s voice on the song Gotten on Slash’s debut album. She says. He sounds like he stole Michael Jackson’s voice.

7 Tear Old Daughter

Gisele, I don’t get the hype. She’s 80 in model years.

5 Year Old Son

And I’m better looking than Tom Brady.

Int. Diner With my 3 kids.

Cashier You’ve got your hands full.

Me

If my wife agreed to an open marriage with Katy Perry. My hands would be full.

Wife thinks our baby Samuel gets bored from too much time with her against his own free will. Always knew he was a quick learner.

Does Yuck Face Zuck Mark Zuckerberg, AKA, good will hoodie, automatically root for the Rams? Knowing, he hates to concede genius bragging rights to the more decorated, Alpha hoodie of the pack.

Old School Football Joke: How can you be a sports fan if you don’t play fantasy football? How you can really be in the girls? When you spent Saturday night, calculating the black to grey ratio on Brett Favre’s ball sack.

Unknown fact about President Trump. After Pats owner Bob Kraft’s wife of 40 years died. Trump called his friend once a week for a whole year to see how he was doing. My wife won’t even bookmark my blog.

 

Coaching Lebron James is a more thankless task than trimming his goat herder beard. Cedric the Entertainer wouldn’t be able to contain himself. Are you the black Moses now Goat?
“But Beasley’s opinions on Luke Walton’s coaching style matters.”
“Did God pick you to liberate Unibrow from his guaranteed 150 million contract?”

“Moses authored the Bible & you can’t string 5 words together coherently King.”
“Yeah, God isn’t parting waters for you to get Anthony Davis self-anointed great one.”
When the Lakers blow a half time lead against Golden State. Does Obama seek comfort in his secret stash of Almond Joy’s? Hidden behind Michelle’s box of Duct Tape from Costco.

INT. DINER

Me

I’ll have the Chevy Nova Lox Omelette and a side of Hollandaise sauce because your menu gives it your endorsement. I love to prove how my elitist people, New York Jews, don’t know everything after all.

Waitress laughs long time.

Find out what celebrities are rooting for whom Twitter? I think Chelsea Handler’s Twitter feed speaks for the vocal majority in Rape Wood. But she’s a full time social justice warrior now. To detract from her tits sagging popularity.

New Rule:
You’re banned from wearing a Rams jersey today if you never saw Chrissy Everett try to slam Jim Rome into the ground like he was channeling tough guy Jack Youngblood.

Ddamukong Suh is friends with Warren Buffet. President Trump is friends with Dana White. Who would you rather have a diet coke with? Suh bet on himself for a 1 year deal. Suh got 60 mill guaranteed with Miami.

Pink reportedly turned down offer to perform at the Superbowl because she didn’t want to follow Lady Gaga.

Rihanna reportedly turned down an offer to perform at the Super Bowl despite black people in America having 99 problems and Trump being none.

 

Me
Matilda, Whitney Houston could’ve been Gladys Night if she didn’t become a Crack Head. Sounds like someone eclipsed the greatest voice of all tonight, channeling some pure, drug free Whitney of old.

Roger Goodell’s photo op with the King family felt more forced than the utterance of social justice issues. Or my daughter trying to make the Super Bowl interesting with new team logos. Rams, a flaming rainbow, leave me alone already.

Is Wade Phillips on the Keto diet.? He looks fantastic. Cauliflower wings are delicious. You don’t you know what you’re missing America.

Brady looks annoyed at him having to will the Patriots to victory again with no margin for error. Dare I say, heading to halftime he looked prematurely deflated.

Adam Levine is the Jewish Justin Timberlake minus the recognizable, body moving hits. Pay homage to Georgia greats, do an Otis Redding cover, anything by the Allman Brothers and nothing off your records.

Of course the only NFL game I watch all year is slower than Squid and the Whale.

It bothers me knowing the GOAT never blows away team in the Super Bowl. I know he never had Rice or Lynn Swan to race down Touchdowns but Terry Bradshaw didn’t win 4 rings off short dump off plays either.

He’s the GOAT for a reason. Congrats to Brady, the Hoody and Gronk for showing the world the true definition of clutch again and again. I love how Bob Kraft embraces Brady like his own son.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Love Affairs With Strangers on Twitter

Was my grand total of 35,629 tweets worth it before I unplugged myself today from Twitter forever? Combining all the 24 new accounts I needed to create on Twitter. So, my hashtag lovers at #plumber, #fintech, #edtech #privateequity, #WordPress, #Istandwithisrael and #femaleentrepreneurs would be able to search and read my new, extra pointed, money shot, joke blasts, splattered throughout the Twitter cybersphere? Knowing, they couldn’t get enough of my truthful, gobbles of joke firing spraying fun. Knowing I’d get shadowbanned by Twitter every time I got on another carpet truth bomb hot streak. And had to start new Twitter accounts, 24 separate times in order to get my pointed  jokes stabs seen while losing all my past followers after deactivating  all of my past accounts in order to start anew. Boy was it ever worth it and then some.

Without my love affairs with strangers on Twitter over the past 2 years since becoming a full time stay at home comedian, do it all dad podcast host and now featured writer, on the Good Men Project, my comedic instincts for what works would never been as sharp as it is now.

Without the enrapturing, inspired embrace of my steady, non-stop barrage of new material fed into the Twitter abyss from my stranger lovers on Twitter, I never would’ve  banged out my monster parenting education humor book, Stay at Home Comedian, “How 3 kids Got My Act Together” feeding their appetite for more, more, more.

Comedy is a pure art form. The goal of a joke is to always score a laugh. There’s no room for artistic, merit measuring interpretation. Either, the joke made you laugh or not. So, by this definition, strangers on Twitter have made me feel like a perpetual winner as of late and stay at home dads need to all the wins they can get. Now, sometimes, the joke can generate a mere smile, a pleasant chuckle or a major league laugh yanker out of your esophagus. I constantly for go for the laugh yanker out of your esophagus. Jeff Foxworthy says you should always use a funny sounding word at the very end of a punchline, esophagus being used a second ago is a primo example, obviously. My old stand-up comedy professor Jim Mendrinos at the Gotham Comedy club told our class, you should only have 2 passable tests when constructing a joke, intended to perform on stage or on the page. And that’s A) Is the joke well-written and B) Did the joke make you, the creator laugh. That’s its folks.  At the same time, I also learned from my 1st year of doing open mike stand-up comedy in LA is how sometimes a joke which makes you laugh one morning, generates zero smile improvement generation the following evening on stage. Also, some jokes sound better written, then performed because some words are just hard to wrap your mouth around. For example, I still struggle stating my own name clearly, Michael Kornbluth and I’ve had at least 4 decades of practice already.  And I’m not even using comedic exaggeration to make my point in this instance. Michael Kornbluth is a total mouthful to say. Even Kim Kardashian can’t wrap her mouth around it. Ok, in this instance, I used comedic exaggeration to nail my point home. For the record, I’m a huge fan of Kim Kardashian since she used her social media influence for the greater good. And pushed for President Trump to pardon a reformed woman who was in jail for being a mule for a Drug cartel in California. Since then, President Trump also signed off on a prison reform bill, which accelerates the liberation of 1st time drug offenders in jail. Giving them a chance to renter society, take care of their families and make something of their lives again. So good for you Kim Kardashian and for being more than the top of the Persian porcupine puss chain, yummy.

So back to my love affair with strangers on Twitter. They’re the best grown up comedy buds I never had. Sure, I’ve had old school friends from High School, from college and beyond who read and emoted about my blogs, Yelp reviews, spec scripts and pilots in the past.  But since President Trump became president and since I became a father of the 3, the majority have been nowhere to be seen. Nor have they been able to keep up with my fast and furious rate via new joke text transfer either. I used to post jokes on Facebook in spite of these fake news friends because to illuminate their spiteful jealousy. Knowing they were giving 0.0 love to reposted  proven winners on Facebook. Despite the retweets on Twitter or votes from a site called ComedyWire, which is Twitter for comedy writers. Who are by the far, the most critical laugh judges of the bunch.

 

I stopped using ComedyWire 2 years ago, after posting more up 6999 voted on funny lines. John Lennon wishes he was this productive during his stay at home dad years. I stopped using ComedyWire because it gives you a constant feed of news stories to write one-liners on, yet the best comedy comes from hard core felt emotion. And when you’re being spoon fed topics, the jokes you generate aren’t going to deliver such a hardcore punch, if you’re meh about the curated topics you’re commenting on to get laughs from just for the sake of joke writing practice in the 1st place. Also, I felt it was time to tackle Twitter again after experiencing much success with Comedywire. But the major turnoff for me about Comedywire was some new guy who wrote for the Onion and some stupid book on Trump, commenting on my jokes.  I don’t need to hear your confusion at a dense, fully loaded joke of mine, hick from Wisconsin. Either you laughed at my joke stab or not. Don’t need the forced, hackneyed, fake news friend constructive commentary, thank you very much. Get stand-up comedy great, Nick DiPaolo to read and emote about your Louie spec through Twitter about his dear departed friend, always the scariest elephant in the room, the late great Patrice O’Neal. And I’ll start giving a shit about what your cliché brained mug has to espouse on what constitutes actual funny my friend. Get the Rev Bob Levy, stand-up joke marksmen and star writer and roaster from the Howard Stern show to laugh at your A plus jokes about Lena Dunham and claims of Trump being the anti-Christ through direct messages on Twitter and I’ll reconsider my position on your new evolved role as my new comedic ghost guru teacher whisper CNN contributor blogger you. Get stand-up comedy great Margaret Cho to read your pilot Mike Mates, which you bang out looking after your 2 kids and get her to give your script the “so funny” nod and I’ll look up to your enviable comedic stature for a change, Seth Meyers sucker. If you’re not afraid of Trump, then I’m not into my mother as much as Seth Myers. Oh, I can’t take no more.

So yeah, Twitter has not paid the bills for my family or put food on the table for my family at all whatsoever.  Still, Twitter is a world-wide open mike and I’ve been killing on it for 2 years straight now. And prior to that, I was able to connect and impress with the heavy weight comedic luminaries I mentioned prior, which gave me tremendous added confidence to keep on plowing forward with reckless abandon, with no guaranteed payday in sight. But every great major league hitter, Pete Rose, Derek Jeter, Wade Boggs, Edgar Martinez, Paul Molitor, Tony Gwyn, all needed batting practice. And that’s what Twitter has been for me.  And I’ve been batting above 400 for some time now. Being a stay at home comedian, it’s been a wonderful batting cage to tee off on targets such as Hillary Hammer Time Cankles, king of the persecution complex Lebron James, Trump resistors, Baby Boomer bust grandparents, Denture Breath Pelosi, Debbie Wolface Wasserman Schultz, Dinero Duntz, Baldwin, my writing sucks without Tiny Fey programming me, etc.  At one point, I was up to almost 3000 followers on Twitter, Richard Lewis being one of them from Curb. Who I exchanged compliments with back and forth through direct messages on Twitter. Once, my dad was gracing us with his presence from Arizona back east and I shared a recent message exchange from Richard Lewis with my dad. He shrunk into the couch as I read on as all the blood drained from his once cock sure face. All of a sudden, I blurt out. What’s wrong dad? Dad says. I’m tired. I’m thinking, of what being an asshole?

The thing is being a stay at home comedian, you don’t interact with the grown-up world too frequently because adult interaction is overrated. So, Twitter, has been my comedic sanctuary, my shrink’s office, my cooler talk repository, my open mike at the Eastville comedy club in Manhattan all wrapped up into one.  It’s allowed me the freedom to process my bruised feelings and enact comedic revenge in the form of exacting, get in the last word, reimagined narrative more to my liking. Whether my enragement or extreme annoyance stemmed from my wife, in-laws, ex fake news friends, or my parents blatantly disrespecting, devaluing and depreciating this stay at home comedian whose written for TV twice already, again and again. When, I’ve been the rock of my family, with 0.0 outside assistance to look after my kids in the form of Facebook grandparents, useless uncles or involved, uncle type, high character friends in sight.  Not complaining about it, it’s brought me closer to my 3 kids and we make a stellar home team. God gives kids to only the lonely. Plus, I’ve got God in my heart now. So, everything is peachy compared to my degenerate, druggy years of yesteryear. Also, during this stretch in the wilderness as a stay at home comedian in exile, off the main social grid of life, I’ve been able to dig deep, truly develop my voice and not give a fuck about what social ramifications it’s engendered, which is an empowering, liberating place to be. I don’t exist to win over your approval resistor, hipster hack critic. I don’t exist to make you feel superior smug, when you couldn’t score a retweet if your life depended on it. Obviously, you are so controlled by PC safe group think, the fascist, morality thought police, truth guardian proctors of justice for all at Twitter. Have never found your edgeless musings, on you thinking you’re smarter than a President to shadowban and hide your thoughts because they do nothing to shatter the fake news, played out propaganda concerning how every Trump supporter is a xenophobe racist. Actually, the true definition of a racist is the palpable, forced in your face, purported feelings of extreme moral and intellectual superiority. And if this doesn’t summarize every anti-American sleaze who’s done nothing but shit on an American President who works for free to make the grand old USA safer and more prosperous again for all Americans, I don’t know what is.

The other day, I told my wife I’m going to self-publish my parenting education book, Stay at Home Comedian, because no east coast publisher will have the balls to publish it. She says. “But I thought your book wasn’t political.” I say, “That’s right, you haven’t heard the totality of one podcast out of 57 yet, my bad.” The thing is, I didn’t set out to write a political book in nature. The heart of my book Stay at Home Comedian, “How 3 Kids Got My Act Together”, is about getting off my dependence of Adderall, weed and IPA’s for a good time and instead choosing to get high off my writing and education of my kids. Coaching them into being the independent, bad ass creatively jacked humanists they were destined to be, under my hardcore comedic tutelage of course. It’s a story about a stay at home comedian whose raised 3 amazing, loving, sweet kids who are the most behaved, giving, pleasure to be around kids in the universe. Funnier dad, happier baby. Children are better than you. My kids truly are superior company than most. I’m going to miss them terribly once I get a job doing recruitment again except this time it will be for the XFL in Stamford, CT. I refuse to accept no for an answer. Vince McMahon oversees the XFL and WWE start Chris Jericho loves me. I wrote all his music video intro one lines for America’s Hard 100 on VH1 Classic. We hugged it out once we wrapped the shoot together. Any company that represents, the anti-fake news fro Kaepernick alternative to American flag degradation is the place for me. It’s a sports startup and I want in. Time to unleash the beast.

I do miss people. I do miss making the phone calls rip and connecting with strangers.  I’m still an old school recruiter at heart. Hated working as IT Recruiter as a whole but there were good times also and my co-worker always loved me because we worked in open spaces before Google made them mainstream. And within those open spaces, glimmers of my personality and strength of voice emerged from cold calling my brains out 12 hours a day eight days a week. My old boss Larry at Adam Jacobs Associates, a boutique IT staffing firm in One Penn Plaza in Manhattan on top of MSG used to let me practice new jokes in front my old school IT recruiter brethren to break up our afternoons on occasion. I was so on edge back then because I still had plenty to prove and hadn’t written for TV yet. This professional goal materialized 4 years later after my 1st of 3 children Singing Rose was born.

Who knew President Trump would get his 42-year old stay at home comedian excited about cold calling within the field of executive recruitment again. The reason why is because I’ve said my piece in my book Stay at Home Comedian, my book on fatherhood bonding in the modern era about taking charge of my kids’ education while I was around to do so. It will be officially released this Father’s Day 2019 through a big-time book publisher or not. Again, I don’t write this book without the love from strangers on Twitter. Most of the material, I’ve published here on WordPress has been recycled from Twitter. That means the material has been filtered and vetted for proven funny already lit agents at large. Still, I don’t need your comedic validation seal of approval Mr. Brooklyn lit agent because the audience reveals all without you. That’s why the Good Men Project site has embraced and republished 90% of the material I’ve shared with them so far because it’s already been embraced and loved wholly by all of you, strangers on Twitters and WordPress alike.

 

My strangers on Twitter and WordPress provide this stay at home comedian with an incredible fix of comedic approval feedback, which has proven priceless. I don’t finish my book Stay at Home Comedian without it. I don’t bang out 100,000 plus words of consistently funny, emotive verse for Stay at Home Comedian, without your steady doses of encouragement and loving embrace of me and who I’ve strived to become along the way.

By declaring on Twitter and WordPress my intention of writing the funniest book of parenting, from a fatherhood perspective, your sustained interest and increased attention in what I’d bang out next has been nothing short of miraculous. Strangers on Twitter and now WordPress, you’ve truly been the gift that keeps on giving. I love all of you for helping me become the funny man author, I was destined to be. I’ll always cherish our time together during my stretch on the stay at home dad wilderness front. But stay at home dads can’t survive as welfare mothers forever. So, I must go out and become a Headhunter again, this time for the XFL. But my book stay at home comedian will be out for huge worldwide consumption soon enough and I’ll be working on my follow up book through WordPress, Crazy, Good Dada, to follow.  Which will document my family meal review show, the Pescatarian Comedians, “Family Meals Deconstructed, 1 Bit at a Time.” When that sells huge, I’ll have earned the right to hang up my cold calling past for good. Proving to myself and to the world at large, I’m no longer a mere Schmuck in a headset.

The End,

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

Instead Of Drugs Say Yes To Fatherhood

All drug abuse stems from low self-esteem, scarcity of real friends and too much free time on your hands.  So clean your up your act like Motely Crue did on Dr. Feelgood and what Amy Winehouse did on Back To Black and give birth to a new and improved you. Devoid of any lingering, Freshman year one hitter clogged up Chakra residue of rageful, fucking up regret of yesteryear already.

I started smoking weed in high school after my lost year of socialized development in 9th grade playing GJ-Joes all by myself in semi-splendid isolation.  I recall getting a puberty book in the 8th grade for Chanukah. Thinking, great gift mom. Can’t wait to recall how behind schedule I already am. Later I blurt, “Mom, getting this gift in front of my younger brother is humiliating. He’s already hit puberty. So he can play with himself whenever he wants.” Moms replies. “But you do that all the time with your GI Joe figures.”

Writing these straight forward, book proposal sheets for my parenting humor debut book Stay At Home Comedian are more enlivening, written in punchy prose, despite me recycling material older than Yiddish at this stage of my life.

But the more I think about it Random House, Penguin Books, Bukowski’s editor who fed him an advance in the form of Mars Bars before completing his debut novel Post Office. Documenting his mail route, pre-smart phone, involving intricate weave of routes throughout East Los Angeles to make my own brain feel fried from smoking too much Angel Dust homes.  So a listing of what main arguments my debut parenting humor book are as follows.

Stay At Home Dads get no respect from fake feminists.

Fake Feminists try to make stay at home dads feel like sheltered bums.

Controlling your kids through comedy works.

The Rod didn’t work out too well for Michael.

Helicopter Parents created mumble-core, twerps and fucked their kids up good.

White privilege reverse racism exists, no he didn’t. Yes, I did.

This is do it all dad it all dad possess superior calming skills than mama because controlling your kid through comedy works. Plus, funnier dad, happier baby.

Kids behave in public when your hold them to higher social standards than ANTIFA.

Old school shoulder rides rule.

Favorites never change.

Husbands today have to work remote or they’ll be charged with sexual harassment. Assuming all meetings over Skye start with. Husbands only, raise your hands high, where I can see them.

Bonding over fatherhood isn’t always recommended because those men could’ve have estranged kid relations of their own.

Kids need dad around more.

Book Authors are fire proof.

Books on Fatherhood blow.

Pride is on my side.

Comedy control rules.

Kids are better than best friends because they make you feel better than loved.

My 3 son, Samuel Teddy was bound to woo.

Shadow Banning is real.

Fatherhood grants you the chance to re-raise yourself in the form of classically trained baby, evolving from Hendrix to Mahler.

Falling for fatherhood means loving the opportunity to love your kids better than your parents did.

Befriending a black lit agent and black editor is in my best interests.

Facebook has rendered baby boomers bare minimum grandparent providers.

My gap years were the best of times and worst of times.

I’m a strong contender for Politically Incorrect Prisoner of the Year.

Hillary Hammer Time Cankles isn’t my daughter’s role model.

A Vasectomy screams I’m pulling out because I no longer feel like I’m winning.

4 Halloween jokes is all your need.

There’s really funny people and Judd Apatow.

My daughter is the best bud Sarah Silverman never had.

Oversharing with your kids about your problems with weed addiction will make sure they don’t buy into the it’s just an herb pitch.

Coming to terms with your ex-social life pre 3 kids is easier when you realize how you only want to celebrate your most important wins with them now above all else.

Husbands today are expected to do more than knock up their wives every 2 years.

Husbands today prop up Columbus to their kids because they refuse to be slaves to political correctness in their own homes. But Matilda without Columbus, Bernie Sanders has no white devil American to cash in on and his gravy train goes sailing.

Fatherhood doesn’t guarantee you won’t sexualize your kids toys again in the PG-13 joke riffing sense.

Grandparents love their grandchildren more but not really.

God gives kids to only the lonely.

Stranger anxiety is fake news, either my kids are into you or their not.

3 kids isn’t brave.

Stay At Home Dads can’t survive as Welfare Moms forever.

Kids birth new daydreams to will into reality.

I’ll take my snuggling forties over my snuggling twenties any day of the week.

Baby Boomer arrogance never dies.

Celebs playing dad aren’t around enough to be featured star players.

The science of fatherhood doesn’t work well in my dad’s favor.

Bed sharing with my baby, otherwise known as attachment parenting is like planting seeds of self-esteem on steroids.

It feels good when your kids fight for sole ownership rights of you. No, he’s my daddy, my son declares. It feels good to be fought over sowing so much despair.

A son’s love urges you to become a famous author but funnier than Weird Al by Christmas or I’ll give kill you with our sharpest knife for real.

Grandparent bad manners is adopting a rescue dog without consulting their 3 grandchildren 1st. Knowing, they’ll no longer be the center of their attention when they’re around.

Baby Boomer resistors hate pictures of their grandchildren hugging Old Glory.

Excessive weed use in my life has done more harm than good.

Only agency IT recruiters get less respect than Stay At Home dads on the job so I can’t complain being a former Schmuck in a headset for hire.

Kids love back because when you play with them come rain or shine. Thinking to yourself I can’t believe they’re real or mine.

Males today must masturbate, it’s our only safety rail left.

It’s impossible for stay at home dads to feel like their own man as a financial dependent.  Especially, when your wife’s smart phone sends her an alert every time you make another questionable purchase at home. Wife calls: Hey Hubby, so how was bride of Chucky?

10,000 plus retweets were worth it because stay at home dad comedians needs all the wins they can muster.

Funnier dad happier baby. You want a photo off old man?

Favorites never change.

God didn’t give me 3 kids to have panic attack over it.

American Dad is educational.

Stay At Home Dads hate each other.

Getting love from skin cancer isn’t a guaranteed done deal.

Working remote can make our kids great again.

God gives kids to only the lonely.

LavarBall as my sub dad growing up would ensure my younger brother never lost his virginity before I did. He’d offer Rihana future profit participation points to pop my cherry in Junior High. So, I’d automatically feel like a bigger ball inside. And no longer run the down the court on my tippy toes looking I was in running high heels instead of high tops. As LaVar Ball my sub dad barks out in disgust from the sideline “We’re trying to sell Baller Wear son, not Jimmy Choo’s.”

Kayne West knows friendship best.

Facebook has made Baby Boomers the laziest grandparent generation ever.

Better than loved is your daughter looking up to you with her adoring blaster eyes.

Bare Minimum Grandparent providers make you a tighter home team.

Children are better than you.

Part Animal DNA doesn’t die in you once you have children.

Failing to be a provider bites.

1 kid only means you’re not ready to quit your lifestyle anytime soon either.

Hate is good because it highlights what to avoid from ruining your happiness bubble at home for future reference.

Book Authors are fire proof.

God made Neil Degrasse Interesting for 3 minute spurts.

Success in Rape Wood alone is overrated.

My wife sucks at life or death reminders.

Singing Rose my daughter and 1st born of 3 is the last person on earth deserving my scorn.

There’s really funny people and Judd Apatow.

4 Halloween Jokes is all you need.

Kids need dad around more.

Media is good, Trump is bad has stripped old world media capacity for objective thought. Reducing them into mere jealous frothing, twitter twats who can’t understand why Trump get’s so many more retweets than their Trump is going downtown hit pieces at nauseum.

Fatherhood is a do over life improver. Assuming, you’ve learned how if you can’t high off your own kids divine powered presence. Then, your sanity has gone sailing like those baby boomer resistor. Who’ve resigned to remaining glued to CNN versus rational, independent, thought.

 

Besides all those arguments I advance in my parenting humor book Stay At Home Comedian, controlling my kids through comedy. I’m now thinking NYC editor, obsessed with new writer platforms because killer A list material is always promoted, endorsed and made SEO friendly from the tech overlords of Silicon Valley at Google, Facebook and Twitter. Especially, when you share your fondness for a president who works for free and Toby Keith playlists.  Now, I’m thinking the title of my book which also catapults into the humor, parenting and holiest of holies, self-help section at Barnes Noble for drug fried readers who are all fucked up in the head. Who find Tony Robbins at a tad too alpha male for their taste. Who haven’t worked in enough bullpen sales offices like myself to handle such an tsunami of chest barreled f bombs for emphasis. Could pick up my debut self-help book, “Instead Of Drugs Say Yes To Fatherhood.” How 3 kids got my act together, one bit at a time. “Flying High Daddy”, from slug to stud. How 3 kids got my act off the ground already isn’t chopped liver either. Just give me advance money to wrap up this monster best seller already because Twitter can’t shadowban my A list American Dad loving material at Barnes and Noble just yet.

 

Fatherhood was the best kickstart to my heart to get sober and serious about making it as a successful author already, to complete my rise from slug to slug as the new face of the remote working revolution. Plus, I don’t rock a beard to cover 6 layers of neck fat which no longer exist hipster hobbits. I really did my best to be a functional pot head. I really tried my best to raise my kids on speed, Adderall specifically. But my history of drug dependence is over now because I’m no better than my mere schmuck in a headset during IT recruiter years throughout my entire twenties. For failing to recognize how booze maximizes my nasty mean gene vibe to the max. Weed, no matter how good the batch, dulls the impact, of my Aries punchy might. And Adderall renders me into a bitchy diva with a persecution complex no better than Princess Diaries Lebron James. No need for rehab Amy, when you got fatherhood. I only wish you could’ve become a mother and got to experience the same for yourself my Jewish soul sister from another mother.

 

In Chaim Potok’s Chosen, he talks about all of us being born with a “tiny spark of goodness.” And how it’s our job to nurture it. Well, bang out a kid fellas and you’re half way to the end zone. Now, all you go to do is say no to more drugs and start inhaling your kids feet instead. Before going in for a harmonica rib nosh for your new cherished night cap. Releasing shrieks of joy. Which cascade into one endless rhapsody of peek delight. Oh yeah, last argument I’m advancing in my book Mr. Editor/Lit Agent who isn’t a born again resistor. Who didn’t even know what the midterms were 2 months ago. Neither did I but I’m not you thank God. Oh yeah this is it, final argument, adult interaction is so overrated. Especially when your 3 fuss free, love supreme sweet kids are superior company than most.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Party Animal DNA

This is Ziggy Marely being interviewed by a reporter for High Times for their 420 issue.  “Ziggy, your dad had 12 kids. But the Crazy Baldheads taught us Ganja destroyed our life shooter’s fire power for good.” Ziggy Marley replies, “Fake News man.”

Joakim Noah just admitted on a radio show the reason he sucked up the joint as a Knick was because he was constantly lit. His exact words were “Athletics and partying don’t go hand and hand.”  3 kids later, I know for a fact hangovers and kids don’t mix. But can middle age usher in a gentler, less destructive form of partying for working parents? Similar to what Bukowski pulled off during his late in life, married, prostitute free San Pedro years.

Is addiction to partying nature based or more an offshoot of normalized enabler nurturing ? Or does addiction to partying really come down to disposable income, free time and making the choice to live it up like Lizard King? Distorting all windows of perception like any shot still fitting into your leather pants again after exchanging your acid only Atkins diet for cases of beer and whiskey shakes, rattling  bones.

Legendary Stand Up Comedian Doug Stanhope says AA is great for the stories. Plus, he refers to all addiction as a “controlled decision.” So according to Doug Stanhope my younger brother choses to be a sketchy speed freak, regardless of what collateral damage it’s caused to his ex fiancé’s bank account and my parents in the past.

Once, an old fake news friend asks me. “What’s the difference between 1 kid versus 3?” I say. “Drinking alone is no longer an issue. Plus, having 3 kids versus 1 is a headier rush of coolness empowerment because each kid of  mine has become an automatic, unabashed fan of me. The rub is making sure they continue to admire and look up to me past their 1st love, gaga phase.” How will I ensure this love connection lasts post puberty? By raising my kids drug free by becoming drug free to. And stop doing all drugs. At least around them or never be on them in their presence ever period.

 

The best teacher is doing, not preaching. I’m almost there. Pothead daddy is dead. So is bourbon in the house ever dad because if I have it, I drink it at night in generous, you’d  think I’m on an eight ball of blow pours. Plus, my cherished Kentucky Bourbons and spicy Rye Whiskies aged me 1000 years in a day when I thought I could pull off the William Faulkner, writer sophisticate lifestyle on it. “Knowledge is power” kids.

 

Doug Stanhope can say addiction boils down to choice, not genetics. But this argument still doesn’t disguise the fact that some of us hailing from a long line of party animals lack self-regulated cut off point capabilities, especially those who have crazy hick, party animal DNA embedded in their liver spotted family tree.  I have a high tolerance for booze and beer in general. My younger brother not so much, yet he’s a lifelong enthusiast of the nose candy. So he’ll end up drinking way more than his normal brain can compute off it. Which is a recipe for disaster, especially when you add dad’s Ambian into the mix.  Never got that move. Could my younger brother be anymore of a degenerate, crazy hick, indecisive Jew? Do you want to be up or go to sleep? Make your mind up already, my chest.  Like I said, some posses greater control over their party animal DNA than others.

I still take Adderall, but I only take 1 time release a pill a day and nothing else these days. I know the Bible says sometimes we judge what we’re most guilty of.  But I never stole money from my parents’ ATM machine for cocaine runs to Washington Heights either. My own cousin who turned his life around, as a tax accountant, used to be a homeless crackhead. He’s a smart kid also. Will always love my cousin with all my heart. He truly turned his life around. Couldn’t be happier for him. Still, at one point, his pangs of addiction were so deep, he took my grandmother to the ATM when she had Alzheimer’s. I don’t know what’s lower, him doing this or me sharing the story to the Internet at large. Obviously, it’s not me bringing up the story again because in order to raise a drug free family, my 3 kids need to know that A) It’s never to late for redemption and to turn your life around and B) Party Animal DNA, especially, from Mimi’s crazy hick southern side, has a killer appetite for destruction lurking from within.

My kids already know about drinking and driving, heroin, pills, cocaine overdoses and how they’re all illegal. Plus, they fully know real jail is hell on earth and they’ll all be eaten up alive in there. I didn’t watch every single episode of OZ for nothing. So when it comes down to taking it or leaving it, they must leave it. It’s also easier said than done. They say evil happens in the place of idleness. That’s why I’m pushing my 3 kids into sports, theatre, art, creation, all forms of competition, both creative and physical. So, they don’t have the free time available to indulge in being a blah brained, empty souled consumerist like I was growing up.

 

I don’t want my kids to be playing catch up in life like me at 42. The rich get richer, and the poorer pothead, feels poorer the more he puffs one hitters into his early forties because ripping hits from an expensive glass bubbler is deemed too wasteful for his weed, spendthrift addiction.  I tell my kids, nothing will get them higher than winning and creating something new. For me it’s writing new jokes and writing new pieces, or performing on stage to kill but life is so much more than that. My view is limited to show business, but life is your stage like Shakespeare says, so either you want to shine like Denzel as Othello on Broadway or fade into the sunset like a has been, never great in the 1st place Andy Dick.  Plus, partying doesn’t solve your financial problems. It only creates more. Just ask Jimmy Leyritz on the New York Yankees how his life materialized. After his legend cementing homerun against Atlanta in 96. When we were down 6 runs to win Game 6 away from home. Before winning the World Series in the boogie down Bronx against the dominant, unhittable Maddox in game 7 for it all.

Reality is, I don’t even remember one funny line I uttered from all my Christmas Breaks I drank away with my buds from high school. I do remember one local townie, telling me.  “You should run for politics office one day.” Have no idea where that came from. Still, I always viewed his kind reach out of him as meaning, you got a brain, save some  brain cells for the greater good. Plus, you’re destroying your looks with this stuff kid.

In the end, we’re judged by what fruit we bear in the form of our kids. And I refuse to raise victim card playing drug addicts, fuck that. Party animal friends fade kid.  Miserable pricks, love to feel better about themselves around other struggling pricks. Partying can motivate kids, but partying doesn’t have to involve drugs and alcohol. You want to celebrate your wins. Go out dancing, Ice Skating, Duck Pinning. Sushi Dinners conquest feasts await. Knick games at MSG and seeing Ziggy Marley live in Central Park. Getting high on the music and on the company of those you love. Inhaling nothing but positive vibrations, blowing through the air.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

Twitter, Google, It’s All Chinese To Me

Old Bud
I dreamed of you owning a vacation home in New Mexico.
Me
Georgia O’Keefe did good work there. Personally, I prefer her labia looking flower paintings because they burst with more eye fucking sensuality.

If the CEO of Google called me at Robert Half, I’d assume he was an H1-B, claim our connection was bad and hang up on him next. Thinking, I’d have an easier time penning a Bollywood musical than making a fee off this guy.

My son tires from over-exposure to my wife like me. He wines. “Why does mommy always have to drop me off at Pre-K?” She does this twice a week max. NPR & Indy Rock drive him nuts strapped into his car seat minus my father figure veto powers in times of war.

Christine Blasey Ford was a runner up for Time Person of the Year. Michelle Obama didn’t even make honorable mention. I think its time for a new publicist.

Why wasn’t Anthony Bourdain Time Person of the Year? He was a writer journalist who died for what he believed in. That’s right, he trolled Hillary on Twitter for taking campaign donations from known rapists like Harvey Hair Clumps Weinstein, duh.

And where’s my nomination for Time Person of the Year? Corporate America has insisted on keeping me imprisoned under house arrest as a Stay At Home Comedian/Father of 3 because I’m a pro Trump truther prisoner of political correctness.

Why do my people, elitist Jews hate Trump so much? Either A) They’re hack writers who can’t stand his far greater Twitter following or B) They’re no names Sales Directors. Who might make enough to live in a building Trump owns.

INT. HOME

Wife

You’re hanging out with Dave on Christmas Eve?

Me
I never see him. Plus, he’s listened to 1 more podcast than you have out of 57 so far. Last, I can play socket puppets with the kids with your mom’s gift when I get back. Plus, babe, I’m Jewish. So Mass isn’t a Holiday Event to be checked off in my Outlook Calendar, no offense.

Divorcing my parents was a good deal for them. They pay child support in the form of Pre-K for only 1 out of their 3 grandchildren. Which is cheaper than minimum child support payments in Texas. Plus, they save money on gas because they almost never visit.

Daddy laying his foot down. Get away from my 40 of Grapefruit Seltzer. I’m not drinking IPA’s, wine or bourbon till your birthday kid. It’s all Daddy’s got left. Daddy, what’s a 40? Snoop Dog’s ho sprayer of choice.

All the talking heads on Fox sound the same when defending their belief in God. I’m better off believing. Who else who could’ve created all this majesty? My answer is simple. I believe in God because my 3 kids worship me like the All Mighty himself. Plus, they love to caress my holy, wise beard. And deep down I know God didn’t give me 3 kids to have a panic attack over it. Last I’m a true believer because my mother sulks as my 3 kids blanket with me love in her presence and my son hugged me after my dad sulked from me reading my DM from Richard Lewis.

Me

Too bad the Macaroon has peppermint. Peppermint is a total boner killer for me. Although, if I was still single without 3 kids. I’d slam some shots of Black Haus for old school times sake.

A Vasectomy is like playing God or a Bartender who refuses to serve you after you’ve had too many.

A Vasectomy screams I’ve got enough knots in my back already. One more in my groin won’t make much of a difference.

A Vasectomy screams after this, I’m done tying knots with either sex period.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Not My Daughter’s Role Model

INT. HOME
Daughter stares at her Chanukah book gift titled Rebel Girls.
Fiance
Do you know who Hillary is?
Daughter
2 time loser, alcoholic deplorable. Who stole China from the White House on her way out the door. Am I close yet?

INT. HOME
Daughter stares at her Chanukah book gift titled Rebel Girls.
Fiance
Do you know who Hillary is?
Daughter
Do you know who Tony Podesta is?
He has enough painting with kids in bondage to make Marilyn Manson blush.

INT. HOME
Daughter stares at her Chanukah book gift titled Rebel Girls.
Fiance
Do you know who Hillary is?
Daughter
Rapist enabler, Russian Dossier Financier, best selling Voodoo Doll in Haiti year after year.

INT. HOME
Daughter stares at her Chanukah book gift titled Rebel Girls.
Fiance
Do you know who Hillary is?
Daughter
Do you know what spirit cooking is? Hillary’s campaign adviser John Podesta does. What, blame WikiLeaks, not me.

INT. HOME
Daughter stares at her Chanukah book gift titled Rebel Girls.
Fiance
Do you know who Hillary is?
Daughter
The real bully who stole the Democratic nomination from fake news socialist Bernie Sanders. I know who Seth Rich was. Do you?

INT. HOME
Daughter stares at her Chanukah book gift titled Rebel Girls.
Fiance
Do you know who Hillary is?
Daughter
I know you can’t name one good thing she accomplished.
And stealing the DNC nomination from Bernie Sanders doesn’t count.

INT. HOME
Daughter stares at her Chanukah book gift titled Rebel Girls.
Fiance
Do you know who Hillary is?
Daughter
I don’t look up to cheaters. Ever heard of Jeffrey Epstein? He’s like the Jewish Sandusky. Well, Epstein is tight will Bill alright.

INT. HOME
Daughter stares at her Chanukah book gift titled Rebel Girls.
Fiance
Do you know who Hillary is?
Daughter
A slacker Presidential candidate. Who got out hustled, outclassed and out-messaged by Donald J. Trump. Am I close yet?

INT. HOME
Daughter stares at her Chanukah book gift titled Rebel Girls.
Fiance
Do you know who Hillary is?
Daughter
She’d said we’d all hang if Trump wins. But don’t stop believing in impeachment miracles on my behalf.

INT. HOME
Daughter stares at her Chanukah book gift titled Rebel Girls.
Fiance
Do you know who Hillary is?
Daughter
The Anti-Christ. Don’t worry, Jesus defeats the Anti-Christ. So, keep the faith in the Jesus comeback story resistor.

INT. HOME
Daughter stares at her Chanukah book gift titled Rebel Girls.
Fiance
Do you know who Hillary is?
Daughter
You mean the wicked witch of the east? Who cheated at the debate with Trump by getting the questions in advance.

INT. HOME
Daughter stares at her Chanukah book gift titled Rebel Girls.
Fiance
Do you know who Hillary is?
Daughter
You mean Hillary Hammer Time Cankles?
The treacherous bitch who sold our uranium to Russia.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

Comedy Control Rules

A light, zero windup smack on the bum only goes so far. After your son bites his big sister. Afterwards, I say. “Arthur, fart in your sister’s face, burp into her armpit, headbutt her Cerebellum but no more biting.” My son’s post traumatic teary whimpers subside.  But this Stay At Home Comedian was just getting warmed up.

Minutes later, my 4 year old son draws inspiration from Jewish pride incarnate, the Hebrew Hammer and draws a Star of David on our bathroom wall upstairs. Mama’s at work at the hospital in case you’re wondering. 1st I scream. “Arthur, are you kidding me?” But then I use comedy to subdue my rage and guard the remainder of our evening from complete disorder in the house. I say “You just wanted to draw Arthur? I thought you were competing for the Maccabi Tagging Olympics.” Of course my 3 kids had no idea what the hell “tagging” meant. But through my use of comedy, I was able to lighten the mood and regain a semblance of control over my red hot, Aries pissed off emotion.

I park outside my son’s school for Pre-K this morning. One of his teachers, Mrs. Russo helps him out of the car. Before she does, Arthur flashes his bouncing, Gimel Robot Dreidel. Mrs. Russo stares at Gimel Robot Dreidel with total bewilderment like she just spotted a Guido in Cancun without a tan-line. Then, Mrs. Russo says. “What’s that? Whatever it is, you can put it in your cubby.” Meanwhile, I’m thinking, would she say the same thing, if Arthur brought Jesus Apostle Trading Cards to share? But I didn’t say anything although to calm my anger at Mrs. Russo’s grossed out, perplexment at what Gimel Robot Dreidel represented. I wrote these jokes below.  Making fun of my obvious Jewish paranoia about A) Jewish kids being accused of being greedy Hebrews for expecting too many gifts and B) Jewish parents like me being accused of being too cheap for only getting 8 ho hum gifts. Which combined together, never amount to the majestic might of a BB Gun or Denise Richards in nothing but Polar Bear Fur for Christmas.  In case you’re wondering, we got each of our 3 kids a  big Kahuna deal gifts each. Plus, the other seven gifts for each 3 kids weren’t chopped liver either.

These are a couple of new Hanukah joke lighter uppers, fresh off the press. Aren’t you blessed?

Me instructing my son on how to avoid any anti-Semitic triggered aftermath at school.

When you bring your Gimel Robot Dreidel to Pre-K Arthur. Make sure, when your gentile classmates ask what Gimel means. You don’t say. “Give me all your money because we control all the world banks, even the one in the North Pole.”

For Christmas, I’m not banking on getting more black Champion socks from my mother-in-law. My wife works Christmas Eve. So we won’t spend a white Christmas in Delaware this year. Postage is more expensive than the socks themselves.

As you can see, comedy control rules because it allows anyone the opportunity to rewrite the narrative to their own liking. Comedy control rules because you’re able to capture the cheapness of your mother-in-law and get in the last laugh. If you’re lucky enough to have children, you must always serve lady laugh with your all sarcastic, silly minded, over the top might. Screw other people’s kids. Your own children’s laughs will light up your heart up like no other. When your children laugh. You beam with happiness like when the Stripper in Montreal didn’t charge you for 2 lap dances after you bribed the DJ to play the Allman’s 22 minute Whipping Post from the Fillmore East.

Comedian Victor Borge, said “Laughter is the shortest distance between 2 people.” So if you’re not born naturally hilarious, nobody is, unless you’re Rodney. Force yourself to take an IMPROV class at Second City and get out of your head already. Who cares if you say something stupid or weird? You’re going to tell me bloggers for Buzz Feed reporting on imaginary golden shower parties, still chasing down Russian collusion tales with less legs than Lieutenant Dan, are smarter and more grounded morally than you are? I didn’t think so. That’s like asking if Kevin Hart is funnier than Chris Rock. Did you hear? Kevin Hart withdrew from the Oscars because Obama called Jay Z to tell him Michelle prefers Ellen. I wonder if Chris Rock is pissed at Kevin Hart for never seeking out his hosting advice. Still, Kevin Hart is no Chris Rock. Lady Laugh is love supreme, reign on me.

Jim Morrison said “the media controls the mind.” The beauty of fatherhood fellas is you get to control the mike. You’re the biggest megaphone in the house. So don’t play it safe or defer to your children like know it all hipster hacks from Portland, Maine. Own the room or they’ll own you. Assert your manhood. You’re the star creator and this makes you superior to the mere Hipster cynic critic in us all.  That’s why Adam Sandler needs the host Oscars this year. No other successful comedian has engendered as much bile laced critic jealousy than show me your cock and balls Sandler. Sandler as host equals Oscar gold.  He’s a song and joke guy.  Plus, his 100 million dollars films keep the lights on in Hollywood. So can the Golden Jew add this Oscar hosting feather to his cap already? Adam Sandler can even joke in his Oscars monologue about him hosting the Oscars is his stop looking at me Swan Song. Comedy control rules.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth