Go Fuck Yourself To

New TV pilot concept to develop into a fully developed, plotted out, punched up pilot episode for Scriptapalooza by October 11th.

Maternal Waves: A single dad and father of 3 auditions various tranny nannies as a form of research for his new book Maternal Waves. A modern day novel that examines the driving force behind maternal waves among all sexes, ages and creeds while trying to isolate the type who never experiences that wave of emotion at all.

Every debut rap album is, you might not live till tomorrow. There’s envy at the top. I spit bullet rhymes like a sniper MC. Better vest up cop. And don’t be lazing. I ain’t some fat, washed up ho like Lauryn Hill who you can easily arrest for tax evasion. Everyone knows Lauryn Hill was the weakest link in the Fugees like low grade kine. Today, only Wyclef is the pimping baller MC Hef left from the Fugees on everyone’s mind. Can I get a holla for killing loudly, long time, all the time, challah? Thank you very much.

It’s hard not to think Female hairdressers flirt with me through my sons all the time. Whenever I hear lines like, “I didn’t know you had 3 kids. Your seed stock just went sky high in my eyes. And your other son is gorgeous to. Is your tile on LinkedIn Stud Farm Feeder or what? I say, “Let’s not ignore my daughter Matilda over here to, my funnier, far prettier twin, whose DNA is all over her face.”



Best home team ever advice: Daughter says, “Daddy, next time mama pisses you off, pretend your Ned Flanders from the Simpsons. At home wife says, “Why would you use the broom when you can use the vacuum? I say to myself, “Bite your lip if you ever want to cum on your wife and give her another urinary track infection again. Jesus forgives fake news feminists to.”



Signs Double IPA’s from Vermont and balling don’t mix. I never missed this badly ever, let alone 3 times in a row. It was a worse look than Lebron sneaking his own line of tequila into the Suns, Bucks game, with a mask dangling down from his chin. So he could look smart like a fake news plastic surgeon in attendance.

I hate all guitar instructors already after only one lesson. First, my holding technique is derided as weird. I thought guitar instructors took up the guitar because they could never get laid on the strength of their personality alone. But I’m the weirdo for trying to wrap by ET size fingers around a guitar neck while doing my best not to cup the guitar with my left hand which is like trying to jerk off with my left hand for a slower, sack emptying pace.

To make matters worse, my guitar instructor attempts to tune my guitar on my beautiful, blue sky Fender fly Stratocaster that was playing like a Siamese Dream prior, conjuring images of my son’s endlessly beautiful oceanic eyes, before popping not one but 2 of my guitar strings in the process. He was performing a vasectomy on my guitar without my permission, which made my balls feel like Edward Scissorhands face. I go back to the Guitar store and demand, “First, I want you to restring my guitar. Now it sounds like hollowed out version of Michael Lohan after Lindsey Lohan cut off her dad from her joint Amex card account. Second, I want to be comped for the string cheese incident bust my 1st guitar lesson was. Third, I want a new instructor whose not going to spend half the time of my 30 minute guitar lesson ripping the hymen out of my heart by desecrating my ax with his terrorizing, trigger happy fingers again, kapeesh?



Son asks, “Why don’t you want to see the new Space Jam movie daddy?” I say, “Because Lebron’s too much of a poser showoff chicken shit to ever compete in a dunk contest during all star weekend, which makes him a fake news jam hero in my book.





This is my daughter knowing me better than my wife. She says, “Daddy, do you like this Barbie better? She’s the mommy.



Last night, I thought I was snuggling with my wife for 2 minutes max, but it turned out to be my 9 year old daughter. It’s good thing I was wearing shorts and wasn’t getting aroused by my wife’s dressed down nightie prior.

Drop the wife off at work this morning. She says, “60 days free of alcohol feels great.” I said, “You don’t have to look after our 3 kids for a whole Sunday with sporadic thunderstorm forecasts throughout for a 12 hour stretch. I’d walk with an extra spring to my step to like Jennifer Aniston on the rebound to.

Bill Burr wants both sides to stop yelling at each other. We didn’t start the fire Bill. Wannabe punisher vigilantes in hoodies for ANTIFA and Thugs Lives Matter Most did, genius.

After we leave the kids salon, my son asks, “Daddy, why do we tip”” I say, “To let someone know you appreciate a job well done, resulting in spewing glee like at end of a lap dance from any busty vixen in a Russ Meyer movie.” Faster Pussycat Kills lives. Can I get a holla for some noshtastic Challah? Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Killing Loudly

New TV pilot concept to develop into a fully developed, plotted out, punched up pilot episode for Scriptapalooza by October 11th.

Maternal Waves: A single dad and father of 3 auditions various tranny nannies as a form of research for his new book Maternal Waves. A modern day novel that examines the driving force behind maternal waves among all sexes, ages and creeds while trying to isolate the type who never experiences that wave of emotion at all.

Every debut rap album is, you might not live till tomorrow. There’s envy at the top. I spit bullet rhymes like a sniper MC. Better vest up cop. And don’t be lazing. I ain’t some fat, washed up ho like Lauryn Hill who you can easily arrest for tax evasion. Everyone knows Lauryn Hill was the weakest link in the Fugees like low grade kine. Today, only Wyclef is the pimping baller MC Hef left from the Fugees on everyone’s mind.

It’s hard not to think Female hairdressers flirt with me through my sons all the time. Whenever I hear lines like, “I didn’t know you had 3 kids. Your seed stock just went sky high in my eyes. And your other son is gorgeous to. Is your tile on LinkedIn Stud Farm Feeder or what? I say, “Let’s not ignore my daughter Matilda over here to, my funnier, far prettier twin, whose DNA is all over her face.”

Best home team ever advice: Daughter says, “Daddy, next time mama pisses you off, pretend your Ned Flanders from the Simpsons. At home wife says, “Why would you use the broom when you can use the vacuum? I say to myself, “Bite your lip if you ever want to cum on your wife and give her another urinary track infection again. Jesus forgives fake news feminists to.”

Signs Double IPA’s from Vermont and balling don’t mix. I never missed this badly ever, let alone 3 times in a row. It was a worse look than Lebron sneaking his own line of tequila into the Suns, Bucks game, with a mask dangling down from his chin. So he could look smart like a fake news plastic surgeon in attendance.

I hate all guitar instructors already after only one lesson. First, my holding technique is derided as weird. I thought guitar instructors took up the guitar because they could never get laid on the strength of their personality alone. But I’m the weirdo for trying to wrap by ET size fingers around a guitar neck while doing my best not to cup the guitar with my left hand which is like trying to jerk off with my left hand for a slower, sack emptying pace.

To make matters worse, my guitar instructor attempts to tune my guitar on my beautiful, blue sky Fender fly Stratocaster that was playing like a Siamese Dream prior, conjuring images of my son’s endlessly beautiful oceanic eyes, before popping not one but 2 of my guitar strings in the process. He was performing a vasectomy on my guitar without my permission, which made my balls feel like Edward Scissorhands face. I go back to the Guitar store and demand, “First, I want you to restring my guitar. Now it sounds like hollowed out version of Michael Lohan after Lindsey Lohan cut off her dad from her joint Amex card account. Second, I want to be comped for the string cheese incident bust my 1st guitar lesson was. Third, I want a new instructor whose not going to spend half the time of my 30 minute guitar lesson ripping the hymen out of my heart by desecrating my ax with his terrorizing, trigger happy fingers again, kapeesh?

Son asks, “Why don’t you want to see the new Space Jam movie daddy?” I say, “Because Lebron’s too much of a poser showoff chicken shit to ever compete in a dunk contest during all star weekend, which makes him a fake news jam hero in my book.

This is my daughter knowing me better than my wife. She says, “Daddy, do you like this Barbie better? She’s the mommy.

Last night, I thought I was snuggling with my wife for 2 minutes max, but it turned out to be my 9 year old daughter. It’s good thing I was wearing shorts and wasn’t getting aroused by my wife’s dressed down nightie prior.

Drop the wife off at work this morning. She says, “60 days free of alcohol feels great.” I said, “You don’t have to look after our 3 kids for a whole Sunday with sporadic thunderstorm forecasts throughout for a 12 hour stretch. I’d walk with an extra spring to my step to like Jennifer Aniston on the rebound to.

Bill Burr wants both sides to stop yelling at each other. We didn’t start the fire Bill. Wannabe punisher vigilantes in hoodies for ANTIFA and Thugs Lives Matter Most did, genius.

After we leave the kids salon, my son asks, “Daddy, why do we tip”” I say, “To let someone know you appreciate a job well done, resulting in spewing glee like at end of a lap dance from any busty vixen in a Russ Meyer movie.” Faster Pussycat Kills lives. Can I get a holla for some noshtastic Challah? Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Hardcore Beauty Queens

Fuck China. Chinese made Fentanyl has killed more crackers in this county than Taylor Swift kicking with Lena Dunham on Instagram. Lena Dunham was Hillary’s Social Media Campaign Manager when she ran against Trumpy Poo. Only Lena Dunham could make Hillary less likeable and relatable in one blubbery swoop.

Older woman with grey hair give me old school erections like I’m 21 again. I’m hot for old school maids sucking out my white priveledge like a battery drained Dust Buster on its last legs in 1999. Plus, you know they’ve been married for long stretches of time at some point resulting in them being open to try anything new like facial cream specials by a formidable meaty mallet, before washing up for a Zoom call at noon.

I still can’t get turned on by older woman talk at the pool about five month waiting periods for private school. Mainly because I doubt those schools resemble the Girl School video by Briteny Fox. Plus, talk of private school waiting list, just reminds me how long my wife has been waiting for me make it as comedian already because I’m still so broke, my Hebrew name is under Judicial review. I still can’t stare down an actress on Melrose without being fined for insufficient funds.

Tom Petty died from Fentanyl. They say he used Fentanyl for his back problems. Why couldn’t Tom Petty sit his ass on a piano bench which was more than sufficient whenever Jerry Lee would pound the keys with his cock with resounding, reverberating authority instead. How else do you think he came up the lyrics, Great Balls of Fire?”

I think more shrinks should prescribe edibles over anti-depressants. One, gives you a mentally tingly lift. The other turns you into a school shooter on the FBI’s Most Neglected List.

I still can’t believe recreational weed shops actually exist in our country. It makes me proud to be an American again, in a place where I know I’m free to take edibles behind my kid’s backs before they unmask my pot head eyes.

Weed edibles don’t make me feel like a total moron around my daughter whenever she asks me a super hard question on them like, “Daddy, if God created the universe, then who created God?” I say, “God went back in time in a time machine made by Elon Musk. ” Daughter says, “That’s a really convincing theory Dad. Thanks for turning me to an atheist at 4.” David Cross lives, holla, thank you very much.

Moms who obsess over suntan protection are the same ones who insist on their kids wearing masks inside like Michael Jackson’s kids on holiday in Bahrain. Wearing a mask in your car is like the God of War Aries wearing a tunic dress into a Greek Spa to conceal what a raging homo he is underneath.

Suntan protection shaming today is another shining example virtue signaling. Look at me, I’m willing to blind my own kid before that bitchy old sun get’s gives my kid some extra soul glow 1st.

I’m reaching out to Christian Lit agents, pitching my book, The Koshertarian Comedian, stating, “You’re my only option left because I’m the last God fearing, self-loving Jewish New Yorker left. Who doesn’t shy away from pro Trump material either like Trump’s the anti-Christ? But doesn’t Jesus’ return from Heaven to defeat the Anti-Christ in the Bible part 2? So have some faith in the Jesus comeback story, won’t you people? I actually had to Google Anti-Christ to figure out what it meant. That’s what Pig Vomit calls Howard Stern in Private Parts before he came out as weird, weak, woke Howard. So at the time, I thought how bad could the Anti-Christ be? Then again, I don’t think Howard lost any sleep over Artie turning his nose into a piece of fucking folded Capicola. After he got remarried to Beth, who’s a 6.9 by ghoulish tranny standards, who has zero feel for measured makeup application whatsoever. Weird, Weak Howard also insists all Trump supporters drop dead. Whatever it takes Howard, to ensure you still get invited over to Jimmy Kimmel’s house for more 2 bite chicken parm dinners. It’s not Trump’s fault, you’re no longer the King of All Media or Social Media ever. If you haven’t been kicked off Twitter, you’re no longer hardcore hilarious enough sorry Perm Head. Can I get a holla, for mo money mint weird weak Howard blast for the ages, Challah? Thank you very much.

Daughter sports a new tang top this morning that says, “Grateful” on it. Wife says, “Doesn’t she look like hardcore hippie in it?” I say, “I prefer to call her a hardcore beauty queen in the making babe. She doesn’t care for the Fleet Foxes, Bjork or that other band you like the Mask Miserable Seals.

The other day, my son says, “I jammed this lime up my butt.” I said, “Don’t jam limes up your butt.” He says, “Why not? I rubbed it against my penis to and it felt good.” I reply, “I better keep you away from dad’s Key Lime pie for dessert.”

Perfect father son, bonding moment. Son says, “Are you picking us up from camp today?” I said, “Yes.” He says, “That’s good, because I get to see more of you then. And we get to listen to bad ass music on the car ride home. And my wife thinks Hair Metal is rock and roll pollution. But Bjork having a band member pouring cups of water into a koi pond for a watered down drum of solo doesn’t stink.



The other night I’m tucking my daughter in and say “Hardcore Hilarious Rocks” is one of my strongest comedy records yet. My act outs of Joy Behar in Muslim virgin heaven and as Kay announcing to Michael about being pregnant with a hermaphrodite son in my bit the Gender Fluid Godfather are some of my strongest act out bits yet. Daughter says, “So you’re better at playing at girls daddy?” I say, “I don’t call myself a stay-at home shemale comedian for nothing.”

Wife pulls a dildo out of her panty drawer and says, “Do you want it?” I say, “Save for it for Samuel. He’s already jamming limes up his butt. So, at this point, what difference does it make.” Hillary Hammer Time Cankles lives, holla, thank you very much.

Weed dealer bud calls and says he’s going to Mexico for vacation this summer. I say, “Last time I went to Tijuana, a hooker called me faggot after I declined to fuck her which was an uplifting moment at the time. Later, a woman who I thought was a regular customer gave me a 2 second lap dance and I exploded in my sweats 2 seconds later. So, I no longer felt like a full-fledged faggot, which was a pleasant change of my pace. Once, I went to a strip club in Montreal and tipped the DJ fifty bucks to play the 22- minute Whipping Post version from the Allman Brothers record, live at The Filmore East. I’m a craftier, greedier Jew than I give myself credit for actually.   

Wife can’t get enough of the new soft core porn series on Netflix Sex/Life. She showed me the picture of this Aussie hunk naked who could’ve gone jump roping with it flaccid. All this time at home has given has given stuck at home, remote learning monitoring suburban moms never-ending schlocky schlong fever.

Told my weed dealer bud about getting up on stage again recently and how I started bombing once I went after Hillary Hammer Time Cankles. On stage I say, “Hillary says she lost because of Russian collusion. I thought she lost because she’s an unhuggable cunt, my bad. She must have deleted that memo to. My wife had a Hillary spotting for lunch during restaurant week in this garden patio spot in Westchester. Wife says, “Hillary was nice. She smiled at baby. I said, “Of course she smiled at baby. Hillary was getting warmed for up for dessert.”

Michael Kornbluth

Hardcore Beauty Queens

Fuck China. Chinese made Fentanyl has killed more crackers in this county than Taylor Swift kicking with Lena Dunham on Instagram. Lena Dunham was Hillary’s Social Media Campaign Manager when she ran against Trumpy Poo. Only Lena Dunham could make Hillary less likeable and relatable in one blubbery swoop.

Older woman with grey hair give me old school erections like I’m 21 again. I’m hot for old school maids sucking out my white priveledge like a battery drained Dust Buster on its last legs in 1999. Plus, you know they’ve been married for long stretches of time at some point resulting in them being open to try anything new like facial cream specials by a formidable meaty mallet, before washing up for a Zoom call at noon.

I still can’t get turned on by older woman talk at the pool about five month waiting periods for private school. Mainly because I doubt those schools resemble the Girl School video by Briteny Fox. Plus, talk of private school waiting list, just reminds me how long my wife has been waiting for me make it as comedian already because I’m still so broke, my Hebrew name is under Judicial review. I still can’t stare down an actress on Melrose without being fined for insufficient funds.

Tom Petty died from Fentanyl. They say he used Fentanyl for his back problems. Why couldn’t Tom Petty sit his ass on a piano bench which was more than sufficient whenever Jerry Lee would pound the keys with his cock with resounding, reverberating authority instead. How else do you think he came up the lyrics, Great Balls of Fire?”

I think more shrinks should prescribe edibles over anti-depressants. One, gives you a mentally tingly lift. The other turns you into a school shooter on the FBI’s Most Neglected List.

I still can’t believe recreational weed shops actually exist in our country. It makes me proud to be an American again, in a place where I know I’m free to take edibles behind my kid’s backs before they unmask my pot head eyes.

Weed edibles don’t make me feel like a total moron around my daughter whenever she asks me a super hard question on them like, “Daddy, if God created the universe, then who created God?” I say, “God went back in time in a time machine made by Elon Musk. ” Daughter says, “That’s a really convincing theory Dad. Thanks for turning me to an atheist at 4.” David Cross lives, holla, thank you very much.

Moms who obsess over suntan protection are the same ones who insist on their kids wearing masks inside like Michael Jackson’s kids on holiday in Bahrain. Wearing a mask in your car is like the God of War Aries wearing a tunic dress into a Greek Spa to conceal what a raging homo he is underneath.

Suntan protection shaming today is another shining example virtue signaling. Look at me, I’m willing to blind my own kid before that bitchy old sun get’s gives my kid some extra soul glow 1st.

I’m reaching out to Christian Lit agents, pitching my book, The Koshertarian Comedian, stating, “You’re my only option left because I’m the last God fearing, self-loving Jewish New Yorker left. Who doesn’t shy away from pro Trump material either like Trump’s the anti-Christ? But doesn’t Jesus’ return from Heaven to defeat the Anti-Christ in the Bible part 2? So have some faith in the Jesus comeback story, won’t you people? I actually had to Google Anti-Christ to figure out what it meant. That’s what Pig Vomit calls Howard Stern in Private Parts before he came out as weird, weak, woke Howard. So at the time, I thought how bad could the Anti-Christ be? Then again, I don’t think Howard lost any sleep over Artie turning his nose into a piece of fucking folded Capicola. After he got remarried to Beth, who’s a 6.9 by ghoulish tranny standards, who has zero feel for measured makeup application whatsoever. Weird, Weak Howard also insists all Trump supporters drop dead. Whatever it takes Howard, to ensure you still get invited over to Jimmy Kimmel’s house for more 2 bite chicken parm dinners. It’s not Trump’s fault, you’re no longer the King of All Media or Social Media ever. If you haven’t been kicked off Twitter, you’re no longer hardcore hilarious enough sorry Perm Head. Can I get a holla, for mo money mint weird weak Howard blast for the ages, Challah? Thank you very much.

Daughter sports a new tang top this morning that says, “Grateful” on it. Wife says, “Doesn’t she look like hardcore hippie in it?” I say, “I prefer to call her a hardcore beauty queen in the making babe. She doesn’t care for the Fleet Foxes, Bjork or that other band you like the Mask Miserable Seals.

The other day, my son says, “I jammed this lime up my butt.” I said, “Don’t jam limes up your butt.” He says, “Why not? I rubbed it against my penis to and it felt good.” I reply, “I better keep you away from dad’s Key Lime pie for dessert.”

Perfect father son, bonding moment. Son says, “Are you picking us up from camp today?” I said, “Yes.” He says, “That’s good, because I get to see more of you then. And we get to listen to bad ass music on the car ride home. And my wife thinks Hair Metal is rock and roll pollution. But Bjork having a band member pouring cups of water into a koi pond for a watered down drum of solo doesn’t stink.

The other night I’m tucking my daughter in and say “Hardcore Hilarious Rocks” is one of my strongest comedy records yet. My act outs of Joy Behar in Muslim virgin heaven and as Kay announcing to Michael about being pregnant with a hermaphrodite son in my bit the Gender Fluid Godfather are some of my strongest act out bits yet. Daughter says, “So you’re better at playing at girls daddy?” I say, “I don’t call myself a stay-at home shemale comedian for nothing.”

Wife pulls a dildo out of her panty drawer and says, “Do you want it?” I say, “Save for it for Samuel. He’s already jamming limes up his butt. So, at this point, what difference does it make.” Hillary Hammer Time Cankles lives, holla, thank you very much.

Wife can’t get enough of the new soft core porn series on Netflix Sex/Life. She showed me the picture of this Aussie hunk naked who could’ve gone jump roping with it flaccid. All this time at home has given has given stuck at home, remote learning monitoring suburban moms never-ending schlocky schlong fever.

Weed dealer bud calls and says he’s going to Mexico for vacation this summer. I say, “Last time I went to Tijuana, a hooker called me faggot after I declined to fuck her which was an uplifting moment at the time. Later, a woman who I thought was a regular customer gave me a 2 second lap dance and I exploded in my sweats 2 seconds later. So, I no longer felt like a full-fledged faggot, which was a pleasant change of my pace. Once, I went to a strip club in Montreal and tipped the DJ fifty bucks to play the 22- minute Whipping Post version from the Allman Brothers record, live at The Filmore East. I’m a craftier, greedier Jew than I give myself credit for actually.   

Told my weed dealer bud about getting up on stage again recently and how I started bombing once I went after Hillary Hammer Time Cankles. On stage I say, “Hillary says she lost because of Russian collusion. I thought she lost because she’s an unhuggable cunt, my bad. She must have deleted that memo to. My wife had a Hillary spotting for lunch during restaurant week in this garden patio spot in Westchester. Wife says, “Hillary was nice. She smiled at baby. I said, “Of course she smiled at baby. Hillary was getting warmed for up for dessert.”

Michael Kornbluth

Condoms Coming Early

When in person learning in Chicago resumes in the fall, kids as young as 10 years old will be given mandatory condoms. Will Cardi B be brought in as a guest speaker to demonstrate how to put it on a replica of Lexington Steele pussy’s wrecker rearranger by the skin of her teeth? If the kids are lucky, Mayor Lightfoot will pardon R. Kelly, so he can ask for willing volunteers for an in person demonstration after a restraining order by Kim Kardashian prevents Mr. Groomer from babysitting the latest Kardashian out of the womb. Criminal justice lawyers are so hot right now, holla. Thank you very much.

Kids are being given mandatory condoms at 10, that’s the 4th grade, my daughter’s age. You’d think the boys in her class have enough masks lying around the house to wipe up with already. But masks are the new condoms, not. I can’t cum in my wife wearing one either, even if I’m pretending to be a metrosexual Lone Ranger whose known as the quickest shot West of the Hudson River.

How can you not blame porno on demand for creating sexually active kids as early as 10 years old today? I didn’t even know Vasoline was used as a lubricant for hell hole sex until a camper made a comment about the jar my mom packed for me at camp at 14. My mom was grooming me to become pool time entertainment at the latest and greatest DNC fundraiser at John Podesta’s house after all. He has enough pedo friendly installation art work on the walls to make Marilyn Manson blush.

Kids getting handed out mandatory condoms at 10 is scary. Will 10 year old boys be required to role play with Jussie Smollett to develop an immunity to casting couch distress years later, in Rape Wood, as Obama High’s new Community Outreach Play Officer, according to his new profile headline on LinkedIn.

Thanksgiving at the Obama’s should get weird woke fast this year. Obama says, “Malia, you barely touched your Tofurky. So I let you intern for Miramax before the me to movement began. Michelle was still your chaperone on the set and that Fat Jew couldn’t pin down Michelle if he tried.”

Really tempting text to send mom: How close have you come to ratting out your domestic terrorist son to the Department of Homeland Security for supporting Trumpy Poo again mom? You do know the Klan was founded by Democratic leadership to scare black Americans into voting Democrat over the party of Lincoln after the 15th Amendment passed ma? Or was that historical footnote brushed over in your 4th grade history class in Kentucky, where finger food is considered anything that tastes like your cousin’s panties? Truly tasteless jokes live, holla, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth