Birthing My Babies

Georgia O’ Keefe, famous landscape muralist, said if you can’t give up something you love for 2 months in a row, you posses no strength of character or something like that. I tried Google the quote and came up with goonish. So much for my  keyword, Boolean search recruiter background paying dividends for my writing career at all whatsoever.

So what must I give up that’s so important for me to birth my planned 2 babies in me this time around?  In order to prove to my 3 kids, only 1 being intentional how dad isn’t a spoiled, irresponsible, self-indulgent, crazed, alcholic, drug addict flake? Well, 1st I was thinking I only had to give up my cherished IPA’s, even my low calorie alternative Pap’s Blue Ribbon Tall Boys from the Deli. Which make me feel a tady hickish twentyish whenever I find myself buying them 2 at a time and drinking them for multiple days in a row straight. Despite, the famed Milkwakee brewer of such a slamable, crisp, pilsner, becoming rebranded in Willamsburg, Bushwick and beyond as the unofficiall hipster brew of choice.

But now I’m reached the conclusion outside of giving up on going to bars to watch my 1st love the Knicks this winter or with a friend like I see them anymore as a Stay At Comedian/Father of 3, knowing we’re on the cloud here at home. Outside of giving up my bombtastic, supple, hoppy forward, outrageously, lushytistic American made IPA’s, and my Knicks on TV this coming winter, my 3rd grandiose sacrifice in pursuit of securing what upstanding character I have left. And for the preservation of the focused, pure, loving  spirit of the incoming birth of my back to back inspired baby books, Birth of a Pescatarian Comedian. That documents my journey from boyhood to manhood through accepting responsibility for my degenerate lushy weekend, pot head littered ways in the past in exchange for getting high off the pure goodness of my 3 pitch perfect kids, baby Samuel’s inhalable feet and off my most impressive role yet, as our in house gourmand Pescatarian chef and host of our family meal review show starting tonight, Crazy Good Dada. Where I promote the mighty strength glory of the Pescatarian diet. Which is mostly, fish, veggies and cheese. By showcasing the wonderous raw power of my 7 year old daughter, Matilda, Singing Rose, AKA, Deltoids Dawn, doing one armed push ups on our family meal review show. Where we break the down the elements of what we ate, how many yummy dances it generated and what justified critiques, heckles or funny meal time storytelling it sparked in the process. Thereby, helping other do it all dads out there get inspired to make some heathy, delicious, Pescatarian meals for their kids during their ordained days of rest on the weekend. So their kids can make their working wives feel like slackers in comparison for a change.

How dare I imply any women of being  slackers in any capacity outside of bringing home the bacon. Kind of like how men today should believe all woman, regardless of logic or proof who charge a man of sexual harassment when he work remote from home. Knowing all company Skype meetings start with the same old virtual office procedure as your boss states. Before we get this meeting started, folks, all the guys raise your hands up high where I can see them. Self-imposed butt plugs aren’t considered a form of toxic masculinity are they? But I digress.

So back to the more PG13 friendly leanings of our family meal cooking review show Crazy Good Dada. Where you’ll see my hulking, 7 year old daughter complete her 10 one armed pushed ups. Before barking at the camera with friendly fierce, fired up glee. Not enough protein? Followed by punching her left open palm hand with her close fisted one in a very, slow, deliberate, all knowing smirk. Which screams I’m the most proud, non-annoying feminist to the core. Who takes the utmost offense to anyone implying, I’m a weaker, energy deprived, subservient, flabby underling just because I don’t have any meat in my diet or ham and cheese on wonder bread for lunch either.

Ham and Cheese is a such a boring lunch, my 7 year daughter fumes on camera. She adds. And it’s not like your mom even uses good ham like prosciutto, topped with creamy, funky subdued cheese like Piave, just regular ham and white bread, boringgg. My daddy says the good old fashioned ham and cheese never went out of style. Meanwhile, I’m thinking, I never knew the ham and cheese sandwich had a style.

So do it all dad being me, I also host the Do It All Dad Podcast, dad friendly entertainment for you and me. I’ve produced 54 episodes so far, resulting in 27 hours of stand-up funny material in less than a year off the weed for the most part. John Lennon wishes he was this productive during his stay at home dad years.

Still, the big sacrifice which I must give up for birth of my coming of age baby book Birth of a Pescatarian Comedian and Stay at Comedian, Controlling My Kids through comedy is my non stop worship and relentless pursuit of the most glorious, most high, except you the Lord, the body, spewing, spitastic, yanker laugh.

I’ve gotten quite proficient at being an A list laugh generator for the past 3 years as a Stay At Comedian but I can’t have that be the bane of my existence anymore nor let my obsession with proving my funny man chops. Knowing I no longer have the luxury of living in Queens and Brooklyn without kids to hop on stages whenever I want anytime old time.

My constant precoccupation with rewarding my good natured cheer generation to the world with beer or wine in addition to my addiction to carrying on my incessant love affairs with all my comedy bud strangers on Twitter must end until I birth these author career babies out of me.

My coming of age baby inspired parenting books are a result of beoming an unplanned stay at home comedian dad. And my 3 kids are a wonderful by product of my teaching, hustling and loving. And I’ve been given a taste of paradise and never want to slip away. I want more of it, a 4th kid even to give my 1st born the sister she never had. Doing stand up as a headliner doesn’t mesh with this dreamy lifestyle I want to perpetuate more than I still want to mount Elle the Body Mcpherson standing tall from behind. I have to bang out my next 2 coming of age baby books with aplomb and make them the literary equivalent to Slippery When Wet and New Jersey to give. myself the freedom to create more and be known in my kids school as a best selling, funny man published book author.

Plus, the success of Stay At Home Comedian book will allow me to control my kids even more so through comedy by getting them involved in the magic creation of our family meal review cooking Show Crazy Good Dada on the stay at home comedian work front. Also, more importantly, the success of these books, will allow me to extend my time at home with baby Samuel some more. Who I’m growing closer to every day, yeah, yeah.

Everything about daddy, he’s interested in, especially the Knicks basketballs on my shirts, ball, ball, ball. His 1st word by the way because he’s used to spending plenty of time watching do it all dad over here drain so many balls at the local playground court from way down town.

All of my codes on my phone and computer now are Samuel Wins. And that’s how I truly feel about my decision to launch this blog, do my podcast, write my baby books, get some sample chapters published in national magazines and launch this family meal review show with my kids because kids today need dad around more. And my kids growing love for each other, where they all can’t seem to get enough of each other or me yet, is living of proof it. And quite flattering to contemplate, emote it and feel on a daily basis through and through, come rain or shine.

If Amy Shumer is going to have a kid now, I can suck up not drinking for nine months also. For the record, I’m not making this up, Amy Schumer’s really having a Garbage Pale Kid, Snot Nosed Sammy. And Sarah Silverman is crying herself to sleep tonight into her favorite bed wetting averting, nightie hoodie. Lena Dunham is losing.

But in order to put more pressure on myself to make sure I don’t fuck up my last show at proving to my kids dad possess the strength of upstanding character and isn’t a slacker wimp at his very core. I told my 7 year old daughter to withdraw all forms of hugs for me if she sees me drink any beer or wine till I finish birthing my 1st baby book, Stay At Home Comedian, Controlling My Kids through comedy. Because those hugs unlike more empty filler from Paps, I can’t live without.

Yes, Stay At Home Comedian will be my smash book debut. Where I document my rise from slug to stud. Where I become a paid, published author on the stay at home comedian dad front becoming the new face of the remote work revolution. Who at 43 years old finally gets his act together, conducts his weed exit interview on his Do It All Dad Year Podcast, removes the foggy, deadened past, nervous energy weight to his writing and ends up dunking a basketball at the end of the book. With a picture of me doing it, yelling from hanging on the rim. Waste of height no more pops, that being my dad. In your face, I proclaim with all mighty, divine powered gleam in my eyes, in your face, in your face.

By,
Michael Kornbluth

My Daughter Upstaging Me Again

I read a lot of Airport Reviews. So my career as a stay at home comedian dad feels on the up and up. Gotta dream about future book signings baby.

Alexa, play You Lost that Loving Feeling. Wife says. Are you trying to say something? Talk to your thighs, not me babe.

Do It All Dad sanity preservation tip:
Never ever, ever, buy Goldfish for your kids.
They get everywhere like Cheerios and you’ll resent your kids existence for picking up after such eighties has been, never great to begin with snacks.

I’ll say it for President Trump. Joni Mitchell is overrated. She sounds like a folk singer parody in a Christopher Guest film. Who teaches Californian yodeling at Santa Monica Community College.

Joni Mitchell’s crackling, high pitched falsetto voice doesn’t age well on the nerves. Sounds more like California screeching.

Good Morning Alexa. How did that blue wave materialize? You’re not smart enough to play Wipe Out are you? You know because Mike Love of the Beach Boys actually praised President Trump for trying to help save the greatest voice of all.

Bill Deblasio let 900 NYC prisoners vote in the #Midterms2018. But President Trump is in favor of prison reform and lowering jail sentences for 1st time drug offenses. So I’m not as offended as I should be in this instance Big Bird.

Acosta should sue the president. No, he’s a pip squeak load that should’ve been swallowed.

If Jim Acosta was a comedian, he’d be banned from the Comedy Cellar also.
Due to his resistance to relinquish the microphone after getting the cue to wrap up his set on having to wear sunglasses in airports because he’s always on there.

Amy Schumer’s pregnant. Sarah Silverman is crying herself to sleep into her hoodie. Lena Dunham’s losing.

Jon Stewart getting heckled at vet benefit.
So glad you made it. I thought you’d be at the border.
ISIS vent viral under Obama. And now he’s a crack head.
You really know how to pick um Hebrew National.

Tucker Carlson’s racist rhetoric has created a frenzy against migrants. Whatever Blondie. Call me when you return to reality. Where Maxine Waters calls for violence against real loving Americans. Are ANTIFA groupies even a thing? Gross.

San Francisco didn’t wait for a DACA ruling of any kind since they declared themselves a sanctuary city once the term went viral, correct? But protecting rapists & murders, US citizens or not is mentally sound urban planning at its finest.

You can’t call march of the illegals, demanding entry into America after being offered asylum & jobs in Mexico an invasion if they’re only a 100 miles away. Sure, if they start backpedaling to Honduras like Apollo on the beach in Rocky 3.

I’m going to make a poster of acting AG Matthew Whittaker for my kids room. He looks like King Kong Bundy’s abandoned son with a colossal chip on his shoulder.

My 7 year old daughter’s brain on fire.
Daddy, when I get older, I’m opening up an obstacle school for grownups. With Monkey Bars, an acre high, floods, flips off cliffs, you name it.
My 7 Year old daughter preparing games for mama’s birthday.
Daddy, I made Tic Tac Toe with bigger squares, pin the tail on the unicorn. You can do some jokes about how annoying wives are Daddy. Without singling out mama specifically.

Int. Bedroom
Daughter
I read this book already daddy
It bored me to death, murderer.
Lock her up. Lock her up.

Daddy laughs long time.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Fatherhood is a Childhood Do Over Improver

I hate to make being a father of 3 all about myself. Meanwhile, the only available book at Barnes and Noble under the Parenting section for dads include: The Expectant Father, The Ultimate Guide For Dads-To-Be. So good luck gleaming any words of wisdom on how fatherhood grants you the gift of reliving your age of innocence for the benefit of your 3 children through more mature, lived through, less shy slouched, shaky lens. In an edgeless, humorless book about a fake news dad who’s  not even a dad yet I’m assuming.

The title Expectant Father is a dead giveaway on this dad knowing jack shit about being a dad yet. So from where I stand his 9 months, Hugh Grant inspired book, only proports to be about how the remainder of his wife’s pregnant life is dealing with his wife’s feelings regarding him drinking around her because he still can. Though it’s not encouraged, regardless of the husband being denied boom, boom time as a form of punishment for it. Which as a penalizing loss, loses less luster in your loins unless you’re eyeing other pregnant woman who aren’t your wife on the subway or maybe that was just me.

Allow me to indulge in a tad perverse, poignant old school obsessional point of mine for  1 more second here. Pregnant woman’ complexions are never better. Most pregnant woman are quite glow filled, celestial beauties in my book. I’m not saying I jerked it to Demi Moore on the cover of Vogue back in the day. But fully dressed pregnant woman on the Lex line. Still dressed to impress for work at Goldman Sachs.  With their added brazier bustage. On top of their luscious, healthy locks of yankable hair only added to the allure of this sexy Italian gal. Who laughed at all my ad libs during our natural birthing class is all I’m trying to say.

Especially, when I learned in our class how our late sixty year old, varicose vein heavy, birth instructor revealed 5 classes in how she never gave birth before. My reply in class? Wait a second. So you’re teaching a birth on natural child birth but never had a baby before? That’s like me paying 600 bucks to Perez Hilton. If I ever wanted to learn how to unhook a bra. The class was 8 years ago for what’s it worth.

The Expectant Father book might as well be renamed Slut in a Straight Jacket about now. And I know I’m not only 1. Or else I wouldn’t be in the exalted position to bang out my comedic parenting book masterpiece the Stay At Home Comedian “Controlling My Kids Through Comedy”? With neither sets of grandparents to lend a helping around.  Choosing Skyping their sister for 5 hours a time, and more tax reveal fake news money shot reveals on Maddow. But I digress, I confess.

Yeah, so back to original topics almost 500 words later. I’m no longer on Adderall. I promise. Fatherhood really is a childhood do over improver and in my case times 3. Because I have 3 children. This is the extent of mathematical structured language in my writing I assure you. In High School, my parents got a bumper sticker for my mom’s Acura which said “My son sucks at standardized tests.” Despite private tutors and help from Princeton Review.  So much for the aura of Rhode Scholar ex-Knick Bill Bradley  rubbing off on my son through a whiff of vibrational, reverberating Osmosis. My Dad fumes like a poor man’s Phil Jackson. Gnashing off the wet end of this Tareyton 100’s in his ashy chair in TV room at home with my brother and I present as the Knicks sucked the joint again.

Worst cigarette ever by the way Tareyton 100’s. For Chanukah 1 year I got my dad a raft from Marlboro for all the Marlboro miles I accumulated from him steering me away from such a rancid, cigarette creation known as Tareyton 100’s in the 1st place.

I don’t smoke cigarettes anymore in case you were wondering. Which is more than I can say for my Dad and younger brother. They also don’t wear seat belts either. Nor do they see themselves as narcissists despite my younger brother being the guy who poses selfies of himself driving on Instagram and Facebook. Sorry, dude, you’ve zoomed past the point of objective return dude.  Plus, my father’s death wish isn’t to die in his tomato garden as his grandchildren zip around singing Here Comes the Sun. It’s dropping dead on the tennis court from playing tennis in the dead of August. Content blowing off his 3 grandchildren for another summer of scorched love in Scottsdale, Arizona, for 7 years running and counting. No wonder why my dad questions whether how we’re related in the 1st place.

So fatherhood is a childhood do over improver. Because your dad’s, boorish, arrogant, bullying assholish vibe is 3000 miles away in Scottsdale, Arizona for starters. 2nd, fatherhood is a childhood do over improver because your young brother there isn’t there to make you feel like a perpetual loser around his chesty Israeli girlfriend in your parents house until you eventually hook up with a couple of Israeli girls during your Masada teen tour in summer of 93. When I’d whack it till my fingers bled. It was the summer of Fah, Foolin with my hand.  When I wasn’t wearing out my Pyromania Def Leppard tape on my Sony Walkman at the time.

3rd, fatherhood is a childhood do over improver because you don’t have to receive a book for Hanukkah from your mother called the “12 Stages of Puberty” at 15. Knowing, your younger brother already hit puberty at 13 and banged the 3 hottest girls in his class. That you tried to jerk off to at the time but couldn’t. Which made you feel like a real big brother bust. Think Eddie Curry from the Knicks with an even shittier, hook shot.

After receiving the puberty book, I declare. Great gift mom, the “12 Stages Of Puberty.”  Can’t to wait to reconfirm how behind schedule I already am. What’s the chapter called on losing my virginity? Let me guess. Deep Impact? Also, mom why would you give me this book in front of my younger brother? Knowing he can play with himself whenever he wants? Mom replies. But you do that all the time upstairs with your GI-Joe figures. Well past the recommended playing age listed on each new half naked GJ-Joe purchase for you to bang together late into the evening. But you don’t hear a peep out of me? Do you?

4th, fatherhood is a childhood do over improver because you’re able to coach your son in all forms of athletics and prove to label limiting grandpa. Your son will be more than a decent athlete. Whose Ninja conjuring quickness has already earned him the nickname Feather Foot for a reason.

5th fatherhood is a childhood do over improver because you’re able to give your dad heart palpitations for a change whenever he graces you with his presence from Arizona once a year because he can’t handle the east coast chill anymore. Now, his favorite activities during the winter in Arizona are playing tennis of course and jerking off the weather channel. No bullshit. His tennis instructor to me. My dad’s forehand has never been stronger.

Yeah, so back to the heart palpitations. Meaning, fatherhood is a childhood do over improver because I’m able to make my father feel like an inferior manly molder of men compared to me because I have my 6 year old daughter doing Kettle Bell Cow Girl swings with a 5 pound weight in his presence. Also, earning her nickname Deltoids Dawn due to her Kettle  Bell dense strong meat free, hulking physique so far. My daughter can beat me up in a year easy, especially since I got her enrolled in Kung Fu so she can bring out the ruckus if necessary. Point being, my father watches my 1st born,  6 year old Deltoids Dawn swinging the Kettle Bell Around like it’s a freaking rag doll as my Dad cramps up inside thinking. If I pushed weight training on my 1st born at such an early age, he could’ve saved me a fortune and at least secured a half ride to Iona College and live at home to save on room and board.

5th reason, fatherhood is a childhood do over improver because you get to vicariously live through your daughter’s glowing in person teacher reviews in your honor.  Which reflect quite well on this Do It All Dad’s handy work from the start. For example, my daughter’s 1st grade teacher emotes. I love your daughter Matilda. She’s the perfect student.  I wish I can clone more of her. Later on in the evening. I say to my daughter. Mrs. Farney gave you nothing but the highest marks but I’m most proud of you Matilda for being commended most for your perseverance. Daughter asks. What’s perseverance Dada? Doing what you have to do, even if it’s only once a year on her birthday.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oversharing With My Daughter Again

Me oversharing again with my 7 year old daughter over American Dad.
Getting pushed down the stairwell is a good old fashioned abortion joke.
Daddy, what’s an abortion? A prevent defense on Divine Intervention.

We need to get you guys a new bookcase. One that is handmade. What’s handmade Dada? Something mama doesn’t have to put together herself without it falling part 5 months later because I’m a degenerate Jew who doesn’t know how to build things himself.

We need to get you guys a new bookcase. One that is handmade. What’s handmade Dada? A labor of love like the scarf Mimi knitted for you. What has Baba made for me that’s handmade? She thinks writing God Bless and nothing else on every card for you is enough.

Me oversharing again with my 7 year old daughter over American Dad.
Getting pushed down the stairwell is a good old fashioned abortion joke.
Daddy, what’s an abortion? Playing God like Alec Bladwin in Malice.

Me oversharing again with my 7 year old daughter over American Dad.
Getting pushed down the stairwell is a good old fashioned abortion joke.
Daddy, what’s an abortion? Resisting life altering change and feeling pregnant with possibility again.

Me oversharing again with my 7 year old daughter at the haunted mini golf house. My freshman dorm was all tricked out with black lights like this. Remember I told you about tripping on Mushrooms? Never listen to Beethoven on it trying to sleep it off.

Me oversharing again with my 7 year old daughter over American Dad.
Getting pushed down the stairwell is a good old fashioned abortion joke.
Daddy, what’s an abortion? Planned Parenthood would claim white privilege.

Me oversharing again with my 7 year old daughter over American Dad.
Getting pushed down the stairwell is a good old fashioned abortion joke.
Daddy, what’s an abortion? Never your destiny kid. Thank God. Can I get an Amen? Too religious LinkedIn?

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

Stalling For The Tooth Fairy

Why didn’t the Tooth Fairy take my tooth daddy? And where’s my money already? It was a busy weekend for MMA fighters and fans in attendance alike.

My tooth is under my pillow Dada. And still no money donations from the tooth fairy. The Rock must be sleeping in for a change.

Is the Tooth Fairy on vacation or what Dada? Why don’t we watch the rest of Jerry Maguire. And be thankful you don’t have to look at those grown up chompers every morning sunshine.

My tooth is still under my pillow dada. And there’s no money there either. You know how your brother always sleeps on different sides of the bed? And how Daddy is always misplacing his keys. That bitch better hurry up already.

Is the Tooth Fairy retired? I hear he was looking at some homes in Scottsdale, Arizona next to Mimi and Papa. No wonder it’s taking the Tooth Fairy so long to get here. Arizona is such a schlep.

Dady, is the Tooth Fairy is missing in action. The Tooth Fairy hooked you up with a 5 spot last year. It was like a down payment for future losses.

Daddy, why didn’t the Tooth Fairy hook me up last night? I hear there’s a major Crystal Meth epidemic in nearby Mahopac.

Daddy, is the Tooth Fairy fake news like the Russian Dossier? Of course not. The Tooth Fairy gave you 5 dollars last time. I know. And those 20 candy rings only made me lose 1 tooth. I’m feeling short changed Dada.

Dada, give it to me straight. Is the Tooth Fairy fake news like influential Russian election interference? Um. Unlike the Wicked Witch of the East Hillary. I can handle the truth. Give me 20 now and I’ll never tell Arthur, deal?

 

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

My Blameless Daughter on Yom Kippur

Daddy, why are we by the river with these bucket of rocks again?

All of these rocks represent daddy’s sins for the year.

Dada, do you have to use the words sins? It sounds too churchy for my taste.

Work with me kid.

Ok, so this 1st rock is for my sin of.

Weed, Daddy. Remember, your “Exit Interview From Weed” podcast episode? Shouldn’t you have an easier time remembering these things already?

Daddy, is throwing rock number 2 into the river for my sin of.

Inspiring Arthur to break his no cursing streak by saying what the f after he heard Kirby utter it on Arliss on HBO GO.

Rock number is 3 is for.
Heckling the TV too much when Beauty & the Beast is on after pounding one 2 many. I’m daddy. I’m so funny. You all suck, blah, blah, blah.

Rock number 4 is for.

Posting Grandparent Bad Manners on WordPress in the 1st place. Only to check after services how many more likes it got.

Rock number 5 is for.

Playing me Wu Tang 36 Chambers after my 1st Kung Fu class and shattering my age of innocence on the spot.

Daddy, stop using the word sin already. My guilt through association is killing me.

But the rocks represent my sins Matilda. I throw them into the river to be lost forever.

But I thought God had a photographic memory. Sounds like wishful thinking to me dada.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth