The Italian Reptilian Inside

Andrew Cuomo looks like Mama Fratelli from Goonies and the Thing had a baby.  And why is the Italian Reptilian releasing rapists in the streets of NYC again?  There’s no more helpless elderly to rape. Plus, if he’s so worried about the rapist prisoners spreading the Coronavirus inside jail, can’t the Golden Girls hit man Cuomo order the wardens to send the most prolific rapists to the Hole, knowing New York City bars have plenty of chicken wings to spare because they’re no longer considered sophisticated enough bar grub for the cold blooded Italian Reptilian inside.

Michael Kornbluth

Funnier Dad, Happier Babies

Whenever I’m out with my 3 kids without mommy, older woman swoon, constantly commenting to me, “Your kids are so happy together.” My reply, “Funnier dad, happier babies. I’ll wreck you in a photo off boomer dad. My kids have more muscle memory to flex from. Sorry, about you still thinking you’re the superior parent within all spheres of life, because because baby boomer arrogance never dies.  At the same time, my 3 fuss free kids 98% of the time, are all glowing beneficiaries of the attachment parenting, which is turning your bed into the a 24/7 open milk bar for the foreseeable future. It’s the equivalent of planting seeds of self-esteem on steroids. So they’re not suffering from any major abandonment issues, for being another newborn who has cry it out in the crib upstairs, which is the only reason why our boomer parents bought 2 floor homes in yenta breath country in Long Island  because it makes the muffled cries of despair, easier to bear.”

 

Michael Kornbluth

Don’t Stop Feeling

I’ll always love Journey, lead singer Steve Perry is the “voice” for a reason. Still, listening to Steve Perry’s new album on Spotify this morning, made feel like the eunuch sentimentalist from Game Of Thrones,  desperate to feel a missing link from my age of innocence.

Michael Kornbluth

Fake News Holocaust Survivors

In England, they’re considering banning the teaching of the Holocaust because it offends the Muslim population who claimed it never happened.  What were these kids taught at home exactly? Steven Spielberg is a fake news dramatist documentarian? Holocaust survivors gave themselves tattoos because they identify as self-hating Jews, who could give 2 shits about being buried in a Jewish cemetery next to Marty, the kosher butcher from Flushing.  Trump can’t be the next Hitler. Because sequels never live up to the over-hyped original.

 

Michael Kornbluth

Smiling In Seattle

Even in Ken Griffey Junior’s doc on ESPN, Lebron James, King of the Persecution Complex manages to act more petulant persecuted than ever. He says, “When you grow up where I did, the only sports you can play are Basketball and Football.” In other words, fuck Ken Griffey Junior’s comfy, black upbringing, chilling in the dug out watching George Foster crank out 52 dingers while I had to grow up in a fatherless home, only for my mama to shit where I ball and bang Delonte West because there’s nothing else better to do on a Tuesday in Cleveland anyway. Why do you think JR Smith was finally able to remain focused on the court and not have Rihanna suck him dry to the bone. Last, what the hell is Lebron James doing in a doc about Ken Griffey Junior? Lebron’s ugly ass jumper heave ho, will never be in the same class as Ken Griffey’s picture perfect, swing blasts for the ages. Plus, Ken Griffey Junior understood his personality limitations and stuck to smiling on Wheaties boxes and Upper Deck Rookie cards. Last, Ken Griffey Junior would never wear a Yankee hat if he grew up in Akron, Ohio, in attempt to project their dynastic aura, regardless if the NY Post called Ken Griffey Senior a less approachable Joe Morgan, until he started ripping fart bombs in the dugout because Junior was only 19 years old when he signed with Seattle and was more into Fresh Prince than Soundgarden.

Michael Kornbluth

Wigger Number Three

Dr. Seuss is racist now. But he wrote Green Eggs and Ham? You’d think he was the guy who hated Irish people so much, he’d be the only guy at the China Club back in the day, who sulked in a corner by himself, putting an empty bottle of Killian’s Red in each ear, to drown out the sound to Jump Around. Side note, is it me or does Michael Rapaport still sound like he’s auditioning for Wigger Number Three in The Jump Around Video?

Michael Kornbluth

Unmasking Dory

Dads are stronger cheerleaders than moms. My wife says, “It’s because we live in a Patriarchal society.” I said, “I thought it was because our kids cared more about my opinions. Because I actually show palpable interest in our children’s stories and never blank on how their living proof of God’s existence in our hearts, unlike that 2 faced bitch Dory.

Michael Kornbluth