I Don’t Work For UBS

Mom letting herself off the hook again.
You’re taking the boys to Manhattan today?
When I saw Bette Midler with dad for Hello Dolly.
You became overwhelmed because Arizona has no condensed, foot traffic to navigate around.

INT. FAO SCHWARTZ -NYC
Stay At Home Comedian
Nice dance display on the piano. I appreciate you highlighting how heavy footed my wife is in comparison. And she’s no blimp either.

INT. MOMA-NYC
Stay At Home Comedian
What did you think of Starry Night Arthur? Yeah, I thought it looked less dreamy in person also. I’ve seen more movement on a half of eighth of mushrooms, lost in my Jim Morrison black light poster.

INT. MOMA-NYC
Stay At Home Comedian
You don’t want know what movie is playing?
Let me guess, another overrated Robert Altman film with endless bores I could give 2 shits about. He directed Popeye and made Robin Williams unfunny.

INT. Joseph Abboud Store-NYC
Worker
Looking for anything in particular?
Stay At Home Comedian
Just exposing my sons to the best threads money has to offer.
After the novelty of white gap shirts wears off from massive shrinkage again.

INT. MOMA-NYC
Stay At Home Comedian
Are you jealous of anything Jackson Pollack ever did Arthur? Yeah, me neither. Ed Harris can make a cold calling realtor compelling.

EXT. MOMA-NYC
Security Guard
The exit for the garden exhibit is to your left.
Stay At Home Comedian
Can’t wait to check out the installation rake on display.
You work at the most overrated museum ever, no offense.

Luke Walton and Lakers have officially decoupled. This is Luke Walton on the phone with dad seconds later. You keep on trucking dad. I need a Nipsey Hussle tattoo today to earn the respect of Generation Z players. My inked out Dead one isn’t getting max free agent players to sign on the dotted line.

INT. PASTA LOVERS-NYC
Stay At Home Comedian
I can’t recall the last time I devoured a penne vodka whole.
Then again, I can’t recall the last time, I gave my wife my adderall to hide, not wanting it again sometime later.

INT. LEGO STORE- MIDTOWN MANHATTAN
Stay At Home Comedian
If I chose to host the Oscars, I wouldn’t back out at the last minute to downplay my ties to the gay hip hop mafia. I don’t work for UBS obviously.

Black Lego Woman Cashier Gal laughs long time.

INT. HOME
Stay At Home Comedian
During my parent teacher conference, I got turned by Mrs. Castalano for the 1st time.
Daughter
Daddy.
Stay At Home Comedian
She doesn’t normally wear makeup right? Her Sicilian olive oil complexion looked glistening scrumptious all of a sudden. Does she do Soul Cycle to keep her legs in such tip top shape? Plus, her laughing at my jokes and ad libs didn’t hurt either.

Trump downplaying ties to Julian Assange
It’s not my deal. He’s gone off the reservation.
Hannity will never admit wanting to blow him.
Seth Rich, yada, yada, yada.
Just google Tony Podesta art work, alright.
Don’t need Wikileaks for it.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Sugarcoating Stupid

Morning Prayer:
Please make the Lakers trade Lebron back to Cleveland for Kevin Love alone. Odell and Lebron will become tragic symbols of social media fueled narcissism gone wild. In the end, they’re just posting selfies for themselves.

 

Suggested hashtag campaigns for #CollegeCheatingScandal

Sugarcoating Stupid
Bitter Dead Heads
Colossal College Collusion Busts
Sorry, Our Mom Isn’t Reese Witherspoon
Whose The Dumb Mook Now?

The Mr. Rogers doc on HBO is a must see. I’m paraphrasing but Mr. Roger’s message is beautiful. He says: The greatest gift you can give someone is helping someone know they’re capable of being loved. Without having to buy their way into USC.

Sorry God, but I hate any Christian fundamentalist who forced their kids to picket with God Hates Gays shirts after 911. Who also lumped Mr. Rogers into God’s wrathful fury because he “tolerated” his gay neighbors blaring of Donna Summer over Fundoo.

NY State leads all states in population loss now. 3rd Trimester babies don’t count according to the New York State census bureau. And never stood a chance of getting out of here alive.

Anyone read the Testicular Bill yet? It requires a 24 hour waiting period for porn shop purchases like bargain bin Stormy Daniels DVD’s because Jenna Jameson DVD’s still command top dollar. You want to ban masturbation next? It’s our only safety rail left?

At Target today, I saw a Michelle Obama book titled Reach Higher. Bill Maher just got a stiffy. Joan lives.

Kushner got into Harvard after his Dad’s donation. Prove it Daily Beast. Compare Obama’s GPA at Harvard to Kushner to see how brainless the sketchy Jew was. Darn, Obama’s college records are sealed. So much for being Mr. Transparent.

What does Stevie Nicks have to say to Hillary backstage at MSG? Please tell me Bill didn’t rape those woman, abandon his black love child & Facetime convicted pedo Jeffrey Epstein before lights out each night. Tell me lies Hillary, only sweet little lies.

#FacebookDown, did Diamond and Silk bankrupt Good Will Hoodie over a trillion dollar defamation suit, for branding them a menace to their community? Yeah and De La Soul were the pioneers responsible for gangsta, cop killer rap.

 

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

Motor Mouth Disease

It’s hard not to get defensive when your son’s Pre-K teacher accuses of him being hard to understand. Because “laughter is the sound of comprehension”, and I didn’t score any laughs my 1st year of open mike stand-up.
I want my son to develop male friendships deeper than the eighteen hole. So, I’m bound to get tiffed when his Pre-K teacher implies his speech problems are preventing this from happening at 5. Wrestling Team members spit in their cups at lunch together.
Yea, so for my Son’s Pre-K Progress Report, I was told he’s difficult to understand. Did I mention he’s 5? Aren’t kids at this age barely competent Mimes at this stage in life? You’re not expecting Junior to bail you out in Charades is all I’m saying.
I hate my son’s Pre-K teacher saying how my son’s speech problem is preventing from making more friends. Because I know how much it sucks for zero friends to show in the hospital for your kid’s afterbirth party. Which feels like a pre-cursor for your funeral.
Arthur’s speech problems make it hard for him to develop positive relationships. Relax Teacher, I already told him about Dale Carnegie’s, “How to Win Friends and Influence People. ” Fake interest in others as long as possible.
Arthur’s speech problems make it hard for him to develop positive relationships with his peers. I’ll tell him to tone down his express genius. Like Henry Miller said. Nothing is more depressing than a genius scrounging for work.
Arthur’s speech problems make it hard for him to develop positive relationships with his peers. But my friend from college JT called me a Social Genius. And he’d hated how successful my people, New York Jews were in general.

 

Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
But he isn’t an out of work blogger for Buzzfeed. President Trump isn’t showering praise in their direction.
Arthur’s speech problems make it hard for him to develop positive relationships with his peers. But Arthur doesn’t resort to calling his classmates Little Hitler, every time he calls BS on their on their moral grandstanding.

Arthur’s speech problems make it hard for him to develop positive relationships. But I’m raising a drug free son. The burnouts in High School will have to resort to Yearbook Grateful Dead quotes to articulate their inner most feelings the most.

 

Arthur’s speech problems make it hard for him to develop positive relationships with his classmates. Is he sprinkling his conversation with too much Yiddish for the local townies to comprehend. North Pole is a schlep Billy.

Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.

Turn the kids on to John Coltrane records, during his super-frenetic period. So, they can keep up with his motor mouth already.
Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
Is Janey crying because Arthur called her a fake feminist for never offering to pick up after her Crayola station?
Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
But he can run and jump without falling. So, nobody is calling him a knock-kneed putz. Which is a step up in life over daddy at his age.
Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
Is Billy’s roundups of Sponge Bob Square Pants so much more absorbing to hear?
Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
But I thought wearing a #MAGA hat to school would prove he’s a bad boy soy boy. Was the Pink Polo shout out to Kayne West overkill?
Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
Native New Yorker’s talk fast because like they Dave Matthews they have so much to say. Bad example, Dave Matthews makes no sense to me either.
Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
He’s a better-looking River Phoenix. Plus, he’s funny. I don’t see him having to hound playmates here.
Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
Is he expected to be more fluent in Spanish for shared Taco Tuesdays already?
Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
Arthur’s speech problems make it hard for him to develop positive relationships.
He writes love Mia more legibly than I could. My penmanship looks like chicken scratch Hebrew. You’d think I write deli reviews for the Kosher Planet.

 

Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
That’s because he’s a peerless communicator like Howard Stern after his puppet show gang bang display phase.
Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
Because he’s demanding commission money from selling more Girl Scout Cookies than Mia? I sold the most, why shouldn’t I get a cut of the pie.
Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
Do you think a 5-year-old James Woods went out of his way to explain the importance of American Exceptionalism over finger painting red, white and blue?
Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
Sure, if he was a tech support worker from Mumbai trying to get a job at the Genius Bar in Manhattan. But Oscasio Cortez makes sense.

Arthur’s speech problems make it hard for him to develop positive relationships.
You’d think my son was impersonating Bill Maher. Why does a Black CIA agent cross the road when he’s already standing under a Popeyes Chicken?
I’m very sensitive to charges of talking too fast. Are you amazed, I haven’t run out of breath yet?
The End

By,
Michael Kornbluth

 

God Made Neil De Grasse Interesting for 3 Minute Spurts

Do It All Dad Tip:
Tell your kids God made man to create the Bible to test your faith in him. Because the origin of man exhibit at the Museum of Natural History and big bang promo reel at the Hayden Planetarium are excluded cliff notes in Genesis.

INT. Home
New Wes Anderson film Isle of Dogs plays.
Daughter
This movie is blood drained from my face dramatic.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
The Wise Dog sounds like Fantastic Mr. Fox and Hello Kitty had a thrill-less roll in the hay baby.

Grandparent Myth
Grandmas love their grandchildren the same.
Thanksgiving card progression for my 3 children.
1st born, Me, Me will see you soon, 2nd born, wish we could spend Thanksgiving with you, 3rd kid, ditto what Snoopy says. I’m spent.

I vote for Dwight Howard and Bruce Jenner to host the ESPY’s next year. But they have to make out like Britney and Madonna. That would be so hot. Brett Favre would puke up dip in his mouth. Tom Brady would get mildly aroused.

Googling Interfaith Marriage is brutal. I learn about a half black, half Jewish kid. Who was never considered pure Jew. Despite his black dad working as a physicist for NASA and having a mom who marched with Dr. King. My parents can’t claim neither.

Marc Gasol
I have plenty of respect for coach.
I’m a better player because of him,
NY Post Reporter
Off the record, David Fizdale told you European players are softer than EU immigration laws. Didn’t he?

INT. CAR
Daughter
My favorite part was the origin of man exhibit.
Told you Adam and Eve weren’t the 1st people on earth.
Dad
If Bill Maher heard you.
He’d write a million dollar check for the Museum.  And make another donation in his pants.

EXT. NYC
DAUGHTER
I’m glad you had 3 manly conversations about the Knicks daddy.
Dad
How does that 1 guy in the pizzeria still defend Melo’s suckitude? Same for Obama, but at least Melo didn’t spy on Lebron’s secrets workouts.

INT. BEDROOM
WIFE
You look like a Hipster Republican in your #Knicks winter hat.
Husband
Trump has made the Knicks hustle and play defense again.
When Obama was President, blameless, divisive, ISO Melo ball ruled our world.

Perfect line to shut up Obama lickers left.
Your gee whiz shrug of arrogance makes you look like James Comey if he spilled the beans about Seth Rich’s Murder, sowed his own sweaters and was relocated to Bushwick under the witness protection program.

INT. HOME
Wife
I think the Bible was meant to be metaphorical, not literal.
Husband
Or you’re just absolving yourself of guilt for luring me to bang you on the rag last month. Or absolving me from never being anal about ass play either.

INT. PLANETARIUM
Dark Universe film airs, narrated by Neil De Grasse Tyson.
I doze 3 minutes in. Daughter hits me.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
What, Neil De Grasse Tyson can’t carry a film despite a panoramic rendering of the Universe in his favor.

 

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fatherhood is a Childhood Do Over Improver

I hate to make being a father of 3 all about myself. Meanwhile, the only available book at Barnes and Noble under the Parenting section for dads include: The Expectant Father, The Ultimate Guide For Dads-To-Be. So good luck gleaming any words of wisdom on how fatherhood grants you the gift of reliving your age of innocence for the benefit of your 3 children through more mature, lived through, less shy slouched, shaky lens. In an edgeless, humorless book about a fake news dad who’s  not even a dad yet I’m assuming.

The title Expectant Father is a dead giveaway on this dad knowing jack shit about being a dad yet. So from where I stand his 9 months, Hugh Grant inspired book, only proports to be about how the remainder of his wife’s pregnant life is dealing with his wife’s feelings regarding him drinking around her because he still can. Though it’s not encouraged, regardless of the husband being denied boom, boom time as a form of punishment for it. Which as a penalizing loss, loses less luster in your loins unless you’re eyeing other pregnant woman who aren’t your wife on the subway or maybe that was just me.

Allow me to indulge in a tad perverse, poignant old school obsessional point of mine for  1 more second here. Pregnant woman’ complexions are never better. Most pregnant woman are quite glow filled, celestial beauties in my book. I’m not saying I jerked it to Demi Moore on the cover of Vogue back in the day. But fully dressed pregnant woman on the Lex line. Still dressed to impress for work at Goldman Sachs.  With their added brazier bustage. On top of their luscious, healthy locks of yankable hair only added to the allure of this sexy Italian gal. Who laughed at all my ad libs during our natural birthing class is all I’m trying to say.

Especially, when I learned in our class how our late sixty year old, varicose vein heavy, birth instructor revealed 5 classes in how she never gave birth before. My reply in class? Wait a second. So you’re teaching a birth on natural child birth but never had a baby before? That’s like me paying 600 bucks to Perez Hilton. If I ever wanted to learn how to unhook a bra. The class was 8 years ago for what’s it worth.

The Expectant Father book might as well be renamed Slut in a Straight Jacket about now. And I know I’m not only 1. Or else I wouldn’t be in the exalted position to bang out my comedic parenting book masterpiece the Stay At Home Comedian “Controlling My Kids Through Comedy”? With neither sets of grandparents to lend a helping around.  Choosing Skyping their sister for 5 hours a time, and more tax reveal fake news money shot reveals on Maddow. But I digress, I confess.

Yeah, so back to original topics almost 500 words later. I’m no longer on Adderall. I promise. Fatherhood really is a childhood do over improver and in my case times 3. Because I have 3 children. This is the extent of mathematical structured language in my writing I assure you. In High School, my parents got a bumper sticker for my mom’s Acura which said “My son sucks at standardized tests.” Despite private tutors and help from Princeton Review.  So much for the aura of Rhode Scholar ex-Knick Bill Bradley  rubbing off on my son through a whiff of vibrational, reverberating Osmosis. My Dad fumes like a poor man’s Phil Jackson. Gnashing off the wet end of this Tareyton 100’s in his ashy chair in TV room at home with my brother and I present as the Knicks sucked the joint again.

Worst cigarette ever by the way Tareyton 100’s. For Chanukah 1 year I got my dad a raft from Marlboro for all the Marlboro miles I accumulated from him steering me away from such a rancid, cigarette creation known as Tareyton 100’s in the 1st place.

I don’t smoke cigarettes anymore in case you were wondering. Which is more than I can say for my Dad and younger brother. They also don’t wear seat belts either. Nor do they see themselves as narcissists despite my younger brother being the guy who poses selfies of himself driving on Instagram and Facebook. Sorry, dude, you’ve zoomed past the point of objective return dude.  Plus, my father’s death wish isn’t to die in his tomato garden as his grandchildren zip around singing Here Comes the Sun. It’s dropping dead on the tennis court from playing tennis in the dead of August. Content blowing off his 3 grandchildren for another summer of scorched love in Scottsdale, Arizona, for 7 years running and counting. No wonder why my dad questions whether how we’re related in the 1st place.

So fatherhood is a childhood do over improver. Because your dad’s, boorish, arrogant, bullying assholish vibe is 3000 miles away in Scottsdale, Arizona for starters. 2nd, fatherhood is a childhood do over improver because your young brother there isn’t there to make you feel like a perpetual loser around his chesty Israeli girlfriend in your parents house until you eventually hook up with a couple of Israeli girls during your Masada teen tour in summer of 93. When I’d whack it till my fingers bled. It was the summer of Fah, Foolin with my hand.  When I wasn’t wearing out my Pyromania Def Leppard tape on my Sony Walkman at the time.

3rd, fatherhood is a childhood do over improver because you don’t have to receive a book for Hanukkah from your mother called the “12 Stages of Puberty” at 15. Knowing, your younger brother already hit puberty at 13 and banged the 3 hottest girls in his class. That you tried to jerk off to at the time but couldn’t. Which made you feel like a real big brother bust. Think Eddie Curry from the Knicks with an even shittier, hook shot.

After receiving the puberty book, I declare. Great gift mom, the “12 Stages Of Puberty.”  Can’t to wait to reconfirm how behind schedule I already am. What’s the chapter called on losing my virginity? Let me guess. Deep Impact? Also, mom why would you give me this book in front of my younger brother? Knowing he can play with himself whenever he wants? Mom replies. But you do that all the time upstairs with your GI-Joe figures. Well past the recommended playing age listed on each new half naked GJ-Joe purchase for you to bang together late into the evening. But you don’t hear a peep out of me? Do you?

4th, fatherhood is a childhood do over improver because you’re able to coach your son in all forms of athletics and prove to label limiting grandpa. Your son will be more than a decent athlete. Whose Ninja conjuring quickness has already earned him the nickname Feather Foot for a reason.

5th fatherhood is a childhood do over improver because you’re able to give your dad heart palpitations for a change whenever he graces you with his presence from Arizona once a year because he can’t handle the east coast chill anymore. Now, his favorite activities during the winter in Arizona are playing tennis of course and jerking off the weather channel. No bullshit. His tennis instructor to me. My dad’s forehand has never been stronger.

Yeah, so back to the heart palpitations. Meaning, fatherhood is a childhood do over improver because I’m able to make my father feel like an inferior manly molder of men compared to me because I have my 6 year old daughter doing Kettle Bell Cow Girl swings with a 5 pound weight in his presence. Also, earning her nickname Deltoids Dawn due to her Kettle  Bell dense strong meat free, hulking physique so far. My daughter can beat me up in a year easy, especially since I got her enrolled in Kung Fu so she can bring out the ruckus if necessary. Point being, my father watches my 1st born,  6 year old Deltoids Dawn swinging the Kettle Bell Around like it’s a freaking rag doll as my Dad cramps up inside thinking. If I pushed weight training on my 1st born at such an early age, he could’ve saved me a fortune and at least secured a half ride to Iona College and live at home to save on room and board.

5th reason, fatherhood is a childhood do over improver because you get to vicariously live through your daughter’s glowing in person teacher reviews in your honor.  Which reflect quite well on this Do It All Dad’s handy work from the start. For example, my daughter’s 1st grade teacher emotes. I love your daughter Matilda. She’s the perfect student.  I wish I can clone more of her. Later on in the evening. I say to my daughter. Mrs. Farney gave you nothing but the highest marks but I’m most proud of you Matilda for being commended most for your perseverance. Daughter asks. What’s perseverance Dada? Doing what you have to do, even if it’s only once a year on her birthday.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oversharing With My Daughter Again

Me oversharing again with my 7 year old daughter over American Dad.
Getting pushed down the stairwell is a good old fashioned abortion joke.
Daddy, what’s an abortion? A prevent defense on Divine Intervention.

We need to get you guys a new bookcase. One that is handmade. What’s handmade Dada? Something mama doesn’t have to put together herself without it falling part 5 months later because I’m a degenerate Jew who doesn’t know how to build things himself.

We need to get you guys a new bookcase. One that is handmade. What’s handmade Dada? A labor of love like the scarf Mimi knitted for you. What has Baba made for me that’s handmade? She thinks writing God Bless and nothing else on every card for you is enough.

Me oversharing again with my 7 year old daughter over American Dad.
Getting pushed down the stairwell is a good old fashioned abortion joke.
Daddy, what’s an abortion? Playing God like Alec Bladwin in Malice.

Me oversharing again with my 7 year old daughter over American Dad.
Getting pushed down the stairwell is a good old fashioned abortion joke.
Daddy, what’s an abortion? Resisting life altering change and feeling pregnant with possibility again.

Me oversharing again with my 7 year old daughter at the haunted mini golf house. My freshman dorm was all tricked out with black lights like this. Remember I told you about tripping on Mushrooms? Never listen to Beethoven on it trying to sleep it off.

Me oversharing again with my 7 year old daughter over American Dad.
Getting pushed down the stairwell is a good old fashioned abortion joke.
Daddy, what’s an abortion? Planned Parenthood would claim white privilege.

Me oversharing again with my 7 year old daughter over American Dad.
Getting pushed down the stairwell is a good old fashioned abortion joke.
Daddy, what’s an abortion? Never your destiny kid. Thank God. Can I get an Amen? Too religious LinkedIn?

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

Kids Need Dad Around More

Kids need dad around more than mama. Because dads blessed with the quality bonding time with their children. Who take advantage knowing their dad was content letting you play with yourself always. Never treats their kids like regrettable time sucks.

Kids need dad around more. How many more times do I have to say it? Funnier Dad, happier baby. I’ve logged the most time with my 3 kids on this God green earth so far. Of course, they’re super chill, loosey- goosey sweet.

Kids need dad around more than mama. Daddy’s got way more crazy girlfriend stories to share. Hey kids, do you know what a restraining order is? You can avoid it by not going home with red headed girls who kiss you 1st at the bar in hats.

Kids need dad around more. Because who else will defend on Twitter why American Dad is educational on their behalf? Good morning USA. Today will refute mama’s inappropriate viewing claim in array of hilarious ways.

Kids need dad around more. Because mama has zero interest in dumping them off at the park so she can increase her vertical with box jumps and drain her 42 high arcing jumping beauties from way downtown.

Kids need dad around more because mommy doesn’t exude enough star power to compel our kids to start throwing change at my face and kicking me. Because for our Astrology Off, my name drops were Vince Vaughn, Eddie Murphy and Doug Stanhope.

Kids need dad around more. How else will they learn to mirror rock solid core strengthening plank exercises? From mama lounging on the couch to Instagram again? No offense. Her filtering work is excellent.

Kids need dad around more. Do you want Ted Cruz’s lumbering buzz kill wife around more than you have to endure? At least Ted Cruz calls out Zit Face Zuck for the fake news moralist he is. You’d think Ted made his wife lose out on marrying W.

Kids need dad around more because I make more of an effort to dress up to stay in. Especially on weekends, when mama’s working at the hospital. So my 3 kids don’t think I’m taking their evening entertainment for granted.

Kids needs dad around more because mama sucks at arranging play dates and socializing with other mamas in general. So I’m all my 3 kids got. Sorry Baby Boomer Bust Grandparents. It’s sad but true. You being useless and all.

Kids need dad around more because mama’s parents thought taking in a hairless rescue dog commanded more attention than their 3 pristine, luscious locked grandchildren. And weed impaired my judgement in the past Dr. Savage?

Kids need dad around more. Because the only way to control your 3 kids with comedy is to be more consistently funny than just scary spider mom from Coraline to get them into the bubble pronto.

Kids need dad around more because mama isn’t getting up at 5 Am to make homemade hummus sandwiches with fresh shaved carrots & munster. Earning crazy good dada accolades after I pick up Art Show from Pre-K and Deltoids Dawn by the bus outside our home sweet home.

Kids needs dad around more because mama isn’t increasing their comedic expressive might through Mad Libs every night. Nor is she busting out silly string cheese words like nipple de do da. Which got a big laugh by the way.

Kids need dad around, especially if he’s blessed with more Dragon blood energy than Kayne and Trump combined until kids tucked in bedtime. Ensuring no degenerate old school dad me time ensues. Keeping old school Dragon Lungs, the pothead away.

Kids need dad around more than mama. Because after moms give birth. They can claim catch up exhaustion the remainder of their lives. So getting up early to get the house humming is never seized if she doesn’t have to.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Husbands Today

Husbands Today
Expect their dronish baby boomer parents to automatically belittle the remake of a Star Is Born in defense of horse face yenta breath, no offense.

Husbands Today
Don’t need to see Kramer vs. Kramer to realize God made kids more or less putz proof. Regardless, if they smashed their head on the ground because of us or not.

Husbands Today
Are expected to do more than knock up their wives every 2 years. But fake feminist wives will treat you like 2nd class refuge citizens. If you’re no longer bringing home the bacon. This summer, I only wish I was detained in AC splendor.

Husbands Today
Have to work remote or else they’ll be charged with sexual harassment eventually. Assuming, the VP of Product Design starts every meeting with. Raise your hands up high where I can see them.

Husbands Today
Take parenting more seriously because we got more realistic bits of soul from the Wonder Years over Leave It To Beaver. Even the dad in Family Ties was a bearable ex hippie man.

Husbands Today
Prop up Columbus to their kids because they refuse to be slaves to political correctness in their own home. But Matilda without Columbus. Bernie Sanders has no white devil America to cash in on and his gravy train goes sailing.

Husbands Today
Think LaVar Ball is a more flippant, modest free Tony Robbins for young African Americans today. In need of more involved life coach dads of his caliber. Despite never pounding home the stealing in commie land commandment.

Husbands Today
Who dare to show their faces in public during regular working hours with their newborns without mama. Are met with unwelcome, seething disdain like you tried to sneak your kids into Synagogue cloaked in Burkas on Yom Kippur.

Husbands Today
Want to upstage their fake news hippie dads or die trying. You want to talk laziest grandparent generation of all time Brokaw. Lifting a finger for them is liking your kid photos from afar. All Steve Jobs invented was casual Friday.

Husbands Today
Have zero love for grandmas who choose leisure and fake news over more time with their precious grandchildren. Did their husbands have to scrounge for work in a post 911 economy? How much did you pay for your house again?

Husbands Today
Want to get paid for their expertise from home if possible. Because we saw the draining impact of commuting had on our fathers. By the time they got home. Pops had nothing left for us. Giving tank was dry man.

Husbands Today
Take parenting more seriously because we got more realistic bits of soul from the Wonder Years over Leave It To Beaver. Even the dad in Family Ties was a bearable ex hippie man.

Husbands Today
Have to uphold their kids age of innocence earlier than our parents never did or attempted to really. Taking your kid to Midnight Cowboy in Manhattan of all places kisses it goodbye real quick.

Husbands Today
From Gen X, pray their children will be far richer than they. So the underbelly of a dependency in their relationship won’t exist. By us retiring under the condition will buy them flights. If they want a free trip during the winter.

Husbands Today
Can’t believe the all knowing Seinfeld. Is still capable of smirking in public. Knowing his powers of observation failed to pick up any hint of Cosby’s 4 decades of rape.
Husbands Today
Measure real friends by those left who’ve actually logged face time with your newborn son. Regardless if your lucky number 3 appears repetitive at this point like you getting to play stay at home dad again.

Husbands Today
Change our kids diapers because unlike President Trump we didn’t have our shit together in our twenties or thirties for that matter. But as Sam Cooke used to croon with gospel soul. A change is going to come.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

American Dad Is Educational

How else will my kids know how pathetic Seth Macfarlane was for propping up the Bush dynasty over you know who? When it’s all said and done.

How else will my daughter learn her need to develop stronger talking points than what Haley recycles from her Facebook feed to get ahead in life?
How else will my kids learn Jeff the Pot Head is a well-meaning, emotionally scarred dude. Who doesn’t boast the most involved American Dad from sea to shining to sea?
How else will eldest Son Arthur learn his James Spader looks combined with future Vince Vaughn height will require him to a have a personal lawyer with him at all times to insist all girlfriends sign pre-poundage consent forms 24/7?
How else will eldest daughter Matilda learn that if you don’t have a hot, loving, giving wife, you won’t want to become an American Dad in the 1st place?
How else will my kids learn to make every Father’s Day count or else run the risk of getting their minds erased from the CIA for endless do overs till they get it right like in Groundhog’s Day?

How else will my kids learn what so called weapons of mass destruction were before the community organizer beat an empty fake news Mormon suit? In addition to a POW & Tina Fey’s hotter sister without breaking a sweat.
American Dad does educate. It teaches the kids the importance of taking pride in our flag, vets and country before fake news fro Kaepernick became propped up as a fake news activist Ali.
Of course American Dad educates. How else will my baby Samuel learn Daddy noshing on his feet or giving him a harmonica rib isn’t a far cry from when Francine was all over Steve after a CIA shrinking drug made him a baby again?
American Dad also teaches my kids how certain snotty, belchtastic 80’s comedy stars can parlay their nerd personas into even more steady lucrative voice over work. Just when you thought their careers were dead and done.

By,

Michael Kornbluth