Moonshots Galore

Saddest bumper sticker ever: My Cat Votes Democrat. Yeah, I don’t see the FBI doing a panty raid on her behalf either. But just to reminisce a little. This is Trump and Melania handing out candy outside the White House, versus Obama hanging up ISIS flags to scare away trick or treaters. You want to know what Melania tastes like? Try some rocky candy kid. All Obama did was rebrand ISIS, ISIL, so they’d sound more startup friendly in the NY Times. Start spreading the news kid. Elon Musk in high school equals net zero bush. Without government subsidies, he’d be designing an organ harvesting app for China, called Fuck Mickey Mantle’s Liver, I’ve got a Uyghur one, total deplorable in the CCP’s eyes for half off. It’s in mint condition, because Turkish Muslims in China only drink tea anyway. Does Musk get his ball gags made in China to? If Musk stands up to Chinese censors, then I’m allergic to high end trim, the Clinton Foundation is a charitable foundation for others and Booger Nose Behar is the new Chief Happiness for Breitbart. Moonshots Galore, Mickey Mantle lives, Challah. Thank you very much. 

Michael Kornbluth

The Crypto Kid

Dear Laura Cohen,

The Crypto Kid is a running news column that brings the crypto mythology to life for jaded Gen X Parents who don’t want to miss out on the next best thing.  With talk of the Fed issuing their own version of  bitcoin called Fedcoin, I can’t think of a better time to demystify the world of Crypto through conversations about its new world vernacular with experts and my 3 kids soon after to ensure they don’t remain financially illiterate like their daddy into his mid-forties who has to Google how many zeros are in a trillion for Christ’s sake.

Not every member of the tribe has a head for numbers. So, I see your readers embracing the good-hearted nature behind The Crypto Kid, who will breakdown the Crypto vernacular that’s flush with ultra-colorful terms begging to be extrapolated for some comedy gold such as Depth Chart, Low Ranked Traders, Buy Wall, Oracles and Digital Wallets consisting of digital coins like a Toca Boca game come to life.  

The Crypto Kid is an overgrown man child who uses conversations with experts in crypto such as Cathie Wood, Chief Investment Officer at Ark Invest who says, “Bitcoin, is a bigger idea than Apple”, to make the world of crypto investing less sketchy scary fringe than it’s portrayed to be.  

I’ve amassed 6000 plus connections on LinkedIn from my time working as an agency IT headhunter in LA and Manhattan, especially within the world of open-sourced based software engineering, fintech and blockchain. So, I’ll have no problem generating meaningful yet fun conversations among all the star actors within the world of crypto who give it a good name.  Because we’re all not greedy, soulless, predatory parasites like Bernie Madoff either.

Who can defeat the rise of Anti-Semitism today, among those today who are still educating themselves on Hitler, who claim the Jews control the Federal Reserve and all the banks in the North Pole to? The Crypto Kid will, shooting down negative stereotypes about the new age digital gold rush, which can usher in more means of personal empowerment, financial liberation and social good than bashing David Mamet’s followers on Twitter ever could.  

The knock against Crypto is that’s its investors are anonymous, and you can’t dox them or freeze their bank accounts for donating money to an unemployed comedian trying to fundraise his standup comedy tour by selling bumper stickers through his Go Fund Me page such as COVID Damage Done.

So let’s prove how forward thinking the Jewish Forward is by letting The Crypto Kid fire away at all the bitcoin and crypto detracting critics in his opening column, Show Me The Dark Money, which takes on persistent claims of Crypto investing struggling to reach mainstream respectability because it’s still considered too alt-right leaning for their taste, despite Larry David having no problem shilling for those terrorist funding insurrectionists during Super Bowl Weekend.

Last, The Crypto Kid is a member of Generation X who’s endured the era of Aids, COVID, 9/11 and multiple recessions, now going on 3. As a result, The Crypto Kid prefers his comedy like his coffee, dark and bitter. So, who’s better qualified to examine the 2 trillion-dollar crypto market cap today with such skeptical, leering eyes who also recognizes how the technology employed and embraced now on a worldwide basis was invented as a hedge against another one world bank-controlled implosion that happened in 2008?  Some experts say Crypto is a safer investment than gold and bonds while others consider it a safe haven against inflation, which peaks semi-sustained stiffage on my behalf. What about you?

Ultimately, The Crypto Kid will make the world of crypto investing appear less fringe scary as it continues to veer closer to the mainstream. Whatever Reese Witherspoon can do to make Americans less gun shy about investing in Crypto, I can do better.   Like the late great Joan Rivers used to say, “Can we talk?”  I’m looking forward to your reply.

Best Regards,

Michael Kornbluth

Dear Michael Kornbluth,

Fuck off, no mask MAGA head.

The End

Michael Kornbluth

Fame Whore Ho

Look, I’m an A Plus Narcissist like the rest. But you’re a detestable fame whore if you agree to an interview with Piers Morgan for attention.

Piers calls.

“Chill out Ye, it’s me, Piers.”

“What are the odds of you being called up for an Aliyah at Jared Kushner’s Bar Mitzvah?”

“How do you feel about doing an interview that will be aired on the Tele again Ye?”

“On my show Uncensored you can say whatever you want. Like, Beyonce sat out the national anthem because Demi Lovato sounded too much like the white privileged version of Alabama Shakes. Or say, “Child separation is a good thing, look how Jay Z turned out. Plus, if Coco isn’t separated from his parents, he’d never become a mini-Los Lobos in the making.”

“You don’t even have to dress up for the occasion. Since Pete Davidson stole your thunder and made the pink hoody look great again. Zelensky wouldn’t fuss on my behalf. With all the relief money, you’d think he’d splurge on a new shirt. Now, I know why they call them army fatigues.”

“You can talk about your butt boy Musk all you want. Off the record, Trumpy Poo told me that Elon Musk in high school was net zero bush. And that he still defends his endorsement of Operation Death Speed, despite the clot shot being responsible for more athletes dropping to their knees than George Floyd Appreciation Century Night. And you can talk about how the lethal doses of Fentanyl found in George Floyd’s blood system have killed more crackers in this country than Lena Dunham kicking it with Taylor Swift on Instagram. More Americans would be screaming about the CDC recommending mandatory clot shots on our children if they knew how many soccer players were dropping dead from it. Then again, none of you watch soccer. You’d rather play fantasy football and calculate the black to grey ratio on Brett Favre’s ball sack.”

“You can talk about Caitlyn Jenner on my show. There’s no way Caitlyn Jenner was asexual when Bruce was married to your former mother-in-law Kris. But I’d bet your Old Army hoodie collection that Bruce stayed harder longer after he convinced Kris to cut her hair shorter. So, Kris would look like a dolled up Ralph Macchio but hotter.” 

“You do know that I’m a fake news conservative pundit like the rest. I’m Triple-Vaxxed actually. Who cares if the clot shot works less than Russell Westbrook running the triangle offense.”

“Let’s start the interview now. I’m doing all the talking. I hired a Jewish writer named Michael Kornbluth to write all of my new material for me. He considers himself half Heeb crazy for ever considering you a more talented wordsmith than Jay Z, just because you criticized Obama’s baller credentials. Because if Obama is such a baller Dave Chappelle, then why did he ride the bench at an all-Asian private school in Hawaii? In Michael Kornbluth’s book the Great American Jew Novel, which the Midwest Book Review described as a, “Hilarious exploration of New York comedy and culture”, he says. “Trump is Hitler, relax. Sequels never live up to the original. Trump has ties to Russia, duh. What Mail Order Bride Owner doesn’t it? Calling Trumpy Poo, the Anti-Christ is a stretch like Hillary Hammer Time Cankles claiming that half of her deleted emails were yoga related. That’s right, the other half detailed funeral arrangements if Chelsea’s fiancé increased his asking price before walking down the aisle at the last sec. And doesn’t Jesus, the original super Jew, return from heaven to defeat him? So, have some faith in the Jesus comeback story, won’t you people?”

“Your flow isn’t that hardcore hilarious Yoh! And you blow for thinking so. Looks like Biden isn’t the only fucking retard Ye. Or else you wouldn’t have lost your woman to the voice of Generation Z. Shit; Pete Davidson looks like Barney from the Simpsons and Annie Liebowitz had a baby. Also, jumping on top of the anti-Semite bandwagon is a tad passe at this point in your career from a so-called trend setter, don’t you think Ye? I mean, Florida and antisemitism are so hot right now. Your leadership posts on 4 Chan, included. “

“Have you tried Snoop’s dog’s wine yet Yee? According to Wine Advocate it tastes like mouthwash used in porn hood hell. Martha Stewart drinks it on her show. Because she’s down for fucking him on the rag with his crew in tow. It’s her gangbang color Yoh. You, deplorable fame whore ho.”

Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth