I feel like an asshole for using a borderline disappointed tone with my daughter whenever she resorts to nibbling my mouth drooling meal creations again. Fine, every dish I make isn’t worthy of lock jaw love. But this morning I made a creamy, American Cheese Omelet cut up in decent size bites, which her younger brothers inhaled whole fuss free no problem. So, what’s my daughter’s problem exactly? Eggs aren’t murder. It’s a familiar filling in her mouth. She doesn’t have to scramble her brain to discern whether it’s runny goo or mama’s lentil salad, that’s easy to poo, poo. No, my daughter is nothing more than a good nibbler, who freezes at the sight of swallowing anything bigger than a salmon roe egg. Losing all patience for her nibble be good excuses this morning, I cut off a big chunk of cheesy Omelet for her to bite into before camp and she says, “How do you expect me to fit such a big bite into my mouth?” I say, “How do you think Titiana Tightchoochie wins a Lifetime AVN Award for best Online Oral Presentations? Practice darling, practice.” Daughter says, “What are the AVN awards?” I say, “Charlie Sheen’s ace in the hole, if he needed a date for the BAFTA awards after making a remake of The English Patient starring Rubert Everett as full-blown Aids. Nibble Be Good, Challah. Thank you very much.
Joe Biden’s mom hated the Queen. She refused to sleep on the same hotel bed the Queen did, preferring the floor. Great, first Joe Biden ruins Gatorade and Ice Cream for me, now I’ve lost interest in camping on dirt campgrounds in sleeping bags. Mr. Groper’s blood line continues to drown out my age of protracted innocence, one icky shuffle triggering tumble at a time. But being Irish, I’m sure his mom didn’t hit the sauce too hard that night, so making it to the bed was never a doable prospect to resist either, although her story makes better press though. Chances are Dennis Leary wrote the alibi for her pro-bono, knowing Mr. Groper had to use a cue card to write a condolence note in honor of the Queen at the English consulate after her departure. Hair Plug’s, ear plug keeps ringing, “Stick to the script Joe. Don’t claim you wrote The Meaning Of Life before Monty Python did or stretched out Madonna’s kick the can clit beyond repair before the cast of Snatch did.”
Just 1 in 5 people in Britain say the Bible is irrelevant to them. How hard is Ricky Gervais right now? Not even Steve Carrel on the Teli, advertising his latest 100 million blockbuster in London town can bring it down.
In England, they’re considering banning the teaching of the Holocaust because it offends the Muslim population who claimed it never happened. What were these kids taught at home exactly? Steven Spielberg is a fake news dramatist documentarian? Holocaust survivors gave themselves tattoos because they identify as self-hating Jews, who could give 2 shits about being buried in a Jewish cemetery next to Marty, the kosher butcher from Flushing. Trump can’t be the next Hitler. Because sequels never live up to the over-hyped original.
English blokes shitting their knickers. Bloke at the pub says, “The Turkish President threatened to send 3.6 million refugees to Europe if the EU doesn’t provide aid to Turkey. Mate says, “Now that’s using leverage. I guess the Turkish President read the Art of the Deal in Farsi after all.”
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