All Metal Baby

Dear Billy Corgan,

I’m Ric Flair literally, woo. I’m writing a thank you letter like Curious George taught me to do. I want to thank you for bringing NWA wrestling back from the dead. My daddy bought me the NWA All Access Pass for my birthday and I’ve never been happier. I love watching new wrestling matches with daddy. But I want to return the favor and give my daddy some love on his birthday to. I’m his best friend and best friends get each other gifts, right? And he didn’t even get a card from Mimi and Papa this year, so I want to make it up to him in a humongous way. Daddy is a really funny comedian, who’s due to record comedy record 94 this Sunday Less Garbage Lines, yet he’s beginning to feel like an imposter for having no paydays to show for it. He also looks after my older sister Matilda and older brother Arthur. We make a great home team and want nothing more than for daddy’s comedy career to achieve blast off time already. Would you be willing to let my Daddy do five minutes of Nirvana material at Lollapalooza this summer as your opening act? You won’t be disappointed. I’m sending you a demo record he recorded last summer called Burning Mask Party Record. United we laugh, my daddy, proves it every day, yeah, yeah. Daddy is a fan of old school jamming out Chicago to.  I’m guaranteed you’ll be impressed and you better play Rocket if you say yes, or I’ll be pissed Billy. Last, my father is feeling like a mega dumb moron for passing on spending 40 bucks on your debut album Gish, in favor of Deep Purple’s Last Concert in Japan for only 22 bucks on Vinyl instead, which he thought was the deal the century, until he realized soon after that Deep Purple’s Last Concert wasn’t Deep Purple Made in Japan. Don’t get me wrong, Daddy and I are huge David Coverdale fans and adore his live album In Heart of The City that he did with White Snake after he left Deep Purple. Still, I know deep down this mix up brought Daddy down because he loves your band and didn’t buy your album Gish because he was trying to be a frugal pragmatist on his birthday for a change. I hate to end on a down note, but nothing would make daddy happier than get blown away by a sea of laughs this summer in Chicago at Lollapalooza after being stuck like a rat in cage as a Stay-at-Home Shemale Comedian for the past 5 years and counting since I was born, with no grandparents in sight. At the same time, being under house arrest post COVID hasn’t been that much of a radical departure for daddy. Regardless, it’s his time to shine this summer and nothing would make me happier than to see my daddy flying high again.

Your Biggest 5-Year-Old Fan,

Samuel Teddy Kornbluth

P.S. My big sister helped me write this letter. But I can still do more one armed pushed than her. Plus, my big brother did the artwork for Daddy’s record cover Burning Mask Party Record, which is beyond overdue at this point already. Let’s launch a burning mask party on stage together Billy. I know you can do it. Billy Madison lives, Challah, thank you very much. That’s my daddy’s catchphrase by the way.

Dear Samuel Teddy Kornbluth,

I heard your dad’s record Burning Mask Party Record. And you’re correct, it rocks. It would be an honor to help break your father big at Lollapalooza this summer. I can offer him one thousand dollars for five minutes, which should be enough to pay for travel expenses. Although, I see him scoring a recording holding deal after this. Tell your dad that will have a booth set up for him to sell any of his, comedy records and books at the show soon after although I have an idea for a grand entrance that will drive the audience wild for the overall presentation. I’m a big-time wrestling promoter who knows a thing about putting on kick ass show for reason. Stay cool All Metal Baby.

Best Always,

Billy

All Metal Baby descends from a helicopter on a zipline down to the Lollapalooza stage, dressed like Van Halen angel baby from their album 1984 with a cigarette behind his ear. The 500,000 plus crowd goes wild as The Smashing Pumpkins play the intro to Rocket in the background as Billy croons, “Love.” All Metal Baby makes a perfect landing on to the stage from the helicopter. First, he faces the audience and flashes the bird with both middle fingers behind his ears, as if he’s sporting Devil horn middle fingers. Billy Corgan howls, “All Metal Baby in the house, Ronnie James Dio, lives, Challah, thank you very much. Crowd screams with holy shit Joe C lives to, as the crowd roars, “We like to party, rock the party.” Next, All Metal Baby launches into a series of one-armed push-ups while flipping the bird with his remaining free hand. Next, All Metal Baby grabs the cigarette behind his ear, which isn’t a real one but flammable nonetheless, and lights it up before throwing it on top of a pile of masks, which takes this Burning Mask Party that much higher. Then, All Metal Baby hops into a drum set behind his cherished daddy, who always wanted his son to dress up like the Van Halen angel baby for Hanukkah Halloween, so wishes do come true. Then, Do It All Dad launches into his act that was made for these times, starting with, “Nirvana, didn’t kill Hair Metal Aids did, before Magic made HIV disappear.”

The 500,000 plus crowd laughs in one love unison, which screams a Refrigerator Perry touchdown of yesteryear, which is drawn out even longer, after All Metal Baby does a one-handed headstand rim shot on the drums after his daddy’s opening punchline, while sucking on a Scorpion lollipop to boot.

All Metal’s Baby daddy completes his short-lived Nirvana set, made for these times.

I dislike any rock journalist or cultural critic who still lives in Portland, Oregon or in Seattle, Washington, ANTIFA apartheid represent. Especially those intent on selling us why Kurt Cobain was destined to become another rock casualty cliche due to a stomach irritation aggravated from too much soy. But at the height of his popularity, with all the f-you money in the world to avoid touring if he wanted to, after becoming a proud, doting father no less, Kurt Cobain wanted to pull an Ernest Hemingway after his shotgun marriage to Sloppy Seconds Hole? Because Kurt Cobain couldn’t bear the burden of being branded as the voice of Generation X by Tabitha Soren, when Sonic Youth had less brand name recognition on MTV than the Fine Young Cannibals or Midnight Oil throughout the early nineties for that matter?

Kurt Cobain admitted that their records sounded closer to Motley Crue records than punk rock ones, which doesn’t make him sound like the overgrown kid in the Jermey video on the verge off blowing his brains out over his Trapper Keeper in AP Bio either.

And Kurt Cobain killing himself at 27 no less, which is when Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison died from accidental overdoses is too cliche ridden planned for a rock star who raided his dead grandma’s closet for her most unflattering, wool sweater to sport on MTV Unplugged.

In the song In Bloom, Kurt Cobain sneered at meathead jocks with hardcore sardonic disdain, more likely to be first in line to see the Foo Fighters play the first MSG show post pandemic for the privilege of seeing big pharma sell out shill Dave Grohl perform in front of a vaccinated only crowd, to mark another monotone milestone through their edgeless, ever long lives. Yet were supposed to believe Kurt Cobain would give those same homophobe faggots in University of Maryland hats, who like to sing along to his “pretty songs”, the satisfaction of killing off his legacy as being the most kick ass, wildly popular non-conformist artist of his generation by proving to be another unoriginal, poser artist burnout tale of premature, blatantly avoidable ruin on VH1 Behind the Music like the rest. Yeah, and Eddie Vedder met his banger pretty wife at a lesbo coffee shop in Seattle for slam toxic masculinity night.

All I’m saying is that Kurt Cobain was not one to do cliche, outside of doing his best Sid and Nancy impersonation with Courtney Love for a bit. And in the end, his overhyped stomach pains cited as the main driving force behind blowing his brains out after framing his vision of becoming a middle-aged junkie artist like a modern-day William Boroughs to Courtney Love as an easily attainable goal to shoot for, has been blown way out of proportion, like the working effectiveness of COVID 19 vaccination shot, which works less than an Alice and Chains cover band today at BYU, with Mitt Romney in town.

Personally, I love the Courtney Love Hole album, Live Through This, even more than Nevermind, even if ex-boyfriend Billy Corgan penned the lion share of her monster lyrics on it like, “I shit my bed from doing too much H. So, I might as well die in it.” Plus, I can’t hate someone who called Linda Sarsour a fake news feminist who had no business attending the Woman’s March on Washington because of the Palestinian freedom fighter’s support of clitoral mutilation to ensure Muslim housewives receive zero pleasure on earth before being stoned to death for the crime of being spotted in their full-length Burkas in Sex and The City 2. So, if siding with Courtney Love for calling Linda Sarsour a fake feminist, makes me alt-right, then I’m alright with it. Challah, thank you very much.

Truth is, Kurt Cobain wouldn’t be caught dead in Starbucks if his Sonic Youth record collection was riding on it. So, I don’t buy Kurt Cobain feeding into the packaged brand of brooding depressive consumerism by killing himself at the height of his popularity who caused a bigger eruption in Courtney’s Love pants than Eddie Van Halen ever did. Nor do I buy into the forced fed, media manipulated assertion that Kurt Cobain was too much of a gun-shy pussy to persist rocking in a hyper focused Internet world of do or die capitalism Man. A victimized Twitter Twat, he wasn’t it, “Here we are now, entertain us, I feel stupid and contagious because I shared a needle with Magic Johnson’s number one groupie in Seattle. You want a remake of Sleepless in Seattle post Kids you got it.

Last, did you know Kurt Cobain predicted that an outsider who never worked in politics could become President of the United States like Trump one day? Ok, so maybe Kurt Cobain killed himself for a reason, knowing that the eventual advent of social media would unearth the A Plus narcissist in us all. Neither Republicans nor Democrats have a monopoly on messianic right, God does. The sooner were all able to unite around that absolute truth of one love, under one God, who knows above all else, when you’re being an insufferable, know it all twat, on the alleged right side of ethical moralism, the better.

Shit, at least I’m self-aware enough to proclaim Jesus doesn’t want me for a sunbeam yet. But thank God, I still have time to seek absolution for being the biggest prick in the east, since Alec Baldwin admits no fault for acting like an all-over the place Jew since he quit self-medicating by getting loaded. Short lived Nirvana lives, Challah. Thank you very much.

The following day, Rolling Stone Magazine called All Metal Baby the ultimate smash hit at Lollapalooza during the summer of 2022. At the same time, his daddy now nicknamed by Billy Corgan as Killerset Kornbluth wasn’t chopped liver either. And for those about to rock, All Metal Baby salutes you, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Fago The Great

In Woody Allen’s memoir, Little Jew Balls. No, I mean Crimes and Misdemeanors, the Early Years. No, Curse of Christina Tightchoochie. No, Too Bad Soon-Yi doesn’t have any twin sisters. No, Yellow Tail at home over Streetcar Named Desire on Broadway. No, Husbands and Epstein’s friends on Facebook. No, Everything You Wanted To Know About Judges Who Love My Movies who have no problem releasing Illegal immigrant rapists just jailed by ICE agents, primed for deportation, because Homeland Security is so passe and Weapons of Mass Destructions Years. No, Midnight In Soon-Yi after offering Mia’s babysitter the Chamomile Cosby Tea special. No, Nipples That Taste Like Spring Soft Seaweed Never Sour Pussycat. No, Don’t Wear Makeup Soon-Yi because you’ll look older than I want you to already. No, it’s Mia’s Bananas for insisting Frank Sinatra fathered Ronan or else Frank’s goon squad would be off the races and I’d be sleeping next to a decapitated Secretariat. No, Shoot The Ping Pong Ball Out Your Snatch Again one more time, to help my dear friend Dick Cavet snap out of his crippling depression or else you can’t be sent back to that orphanage in Laos where Mia plucked you out of dirt poor obscurity SOON enough. No, Small Time Sleepover Crooks. No, Love and My Private Geisha, who’s allergic to Oxy Pads, so she remains forever adolescent young in my eyes. No, Soon-Yi’s Interiors read, Me So Horny, for Woody’s Wood Only. No, Manhattan’s Top Pubescent Publicist. No, Star Fucker Memories. No, A Midnight in Mariel Hemingway’s Cubbie Hole at Dalton Prep Elementary. No, Broadway Danny Knows, Blown Up Actress Snatch Blows, No, Celebrity Teen Snatcher Immunity. No, Another Happy Ending. No, Manhattan Murdering Hymens. No, Mighty Mouse Allen. No, Everyone Says I Rocked The Cradle Of Love With You. No, Deconstructing Eating Chinese In, without having to order in,  versus scarfing down more veal piccata at Elain’s again. No, Sweet and Sour Lowdown on being charged with culturally appropriating Somalian pirates taking a dip into in the hymen jacking game throughout the Caribbean next to Lolita Island. No, Soon-Yi Love Triangle Dream With Lucy Lu. No, Whatever Works To Give You Sustained Stiffage Through The Night. No, To Rome With an Elite Yelper On Yelp. No, Blue Balls Has-Been. No, Magic in Soon-Yi Fondling My Thinking Balls during my downtime between shooting pics. No, Irrational Prude Rubes. No, Café Polanski, Got My Back Society. No, its, Festivals Of Won Ton Suds In My Mouth. That’s it, in Woody Allen’s memoir, Festivals of Won Ton Suds In My Mouth, he repeats a quote by Emily Dickenson when stating, “The heart wants what the heart wants.” Or in Woody Allen’s case, this means a bunch of stuck together old Polaroid shots of a half-naked 9-year-old Soon-Yi. The only pics missing from Woody’s collection was the one of Soon-Yi crying on the cover of Time Life Magazine, Challah. Fago The Great lives, to dump on another funny man celebrity of his day. With some luck, The New Yorker will print my flaming funny prose in the Shouts & Murmurs section by May.

Michael Kornbluth

Hate Speech Offense

Why did the audio have to cut out when Denzel and Tyler Perry were caught comforting Will Smith? Did Denzel say, “You try that shit with Spike at the Vanity Fair Oscars bash and I’ll jam your black privilege up your ass son, you dig. Just keep the black Medusa away from me. She’d scare P Diddy stiff with cucumbers on his eyes during a post Beverly Hills Hotel facial like Mila Kunis would with no makeup on.” How did Tyler Perry comfort Will Smith without having enough time for a Madea costume change backstage? To promote his latest and greatest film, “Bitch Slap Happy White”, starring Juan Howard.

And then Bradley Cooper trying to comfort Will Smith after Denzel and Tyler Perry failed isn’t too hilarious. “Will, if I could act like I achieved sustained stiffage from sucking face with Lady Gaga. You can pretend you’re not a black supremacist entertainer like the rest during the Oscars when you knew ahead of time you were going to win no matter what. Like the great Johnny Mac would say, “You cannot be serious.” Minnesota Congressional Rep Baby Face Omar Gonna Work It Out, can knock out Chris Rock with a Hijab headbutt to his Solar Plexus for Christ’s sake.”

Assuming the Will Smith slap was a staged one, it wasn’t a very convincing one. Jerry The King Lawler slapping Andy Kaufman over his chair on the Late Show With David Letterman it wasn’t. Apparently, all the brains in Hollywood died with Andy, Challah, Andy Kaufman lives, because he staged his death in the 1st place, you gullible pieces of shit, Challah. Thank you very much.

If the slap wasn’t staged, then why did Chris Rock look less fazed than when Sandler showed up to his wedding in his finest pair of Jam shorts?

The worst part about Will Smith cashing in on his black entertainer privilege while doing his best to distance and downplay his ties to the hip-hop gay mafia, is having to read in the NY Post about weird, weak, woke Howard Stern accusé others of mental health issues compared to fake news deep perm head, who treats catching COVID as a death sentence worse than back-end entry into the Dallas Buyer’s Club. The same weird, weak, woke Howard who never dared criticize the Thug Lives Matter Most protests, 2 billion dollars worth of damage later, or say anything remotely critical about the Russian collusion tales with less legs than Lieutenant Dan, out of fear of being disinvited from anymore 2 bite chicken parm dinners at Jimmy Kimmel’s house.

But hey, it’s all good, according to P Diddy after Chris Rock and Will Smith reconciled at the Vanity Fair Oscars bash, because “It’s all love”, like Will Ferrell ending his hundred-dollar million friendship with director producer writer star Adam Mckay because he casted John C. Reilly over him as Dr. Buss in Winning Time. Brilliant decision on Adam McKay’s behalf. Plus, he directed the Big Short, so Will Ferrell can go woke himself to. Out of character during interviews, Will Ferrell exudes the personality of a blah breathed Amy Schumer. Will Ferrell is somebody who deserves a bitch slap over forsaking his friendship with Adam McKay for a part on HBO, not the great Chris Rock, who Netflix can no longer afford to pay with just one rib. Regardless of Chris Rock losing anti-establishment cred after he shilled for Governor Cuomo as a clot shot pusher shamer like the rest, but nobody’s perfect. Or why else would any woman willingly bang Andrew, No I Won’t Jump Off My Own Bridge, Cuomo. He looks like The Thing and Mama Fratelli from the Goonies had a baby. Now, that’ an Oscar punchline worthy of the great Chris Rock, because Amy Schumer ain’t no moral compass of civility either. She thinks the group who voted for Hillary Hammer Time Cankles are the smart ones despite Huma Licker Breath failing to sell 64 million branded racists on why Baby Boomer Mom Knows best. But Amy Schumer still thinks Hillary lost to Trumpy Poo because of Russian collusion. That’s funny, I thought Hillary lost because she’s an unhuggable cunt, my bad. But it takes one to know one, right Amy? I guess Hillary deleted that memo to, Challah. Tony Clifton shits on, Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Sacred Cow Cooking

Wife had a Hillary Clinton spotting during lunch recently with my son. Wife says, “Hillary was nice. She smiled at baby.” I said, “Of course Hillary smiled at baby. Hillary was getting warmed up for dessert.”

Emotionally Compelling Situation:

A Coroner who gives an honest toxicology report about fake news media manipulation for a change. Let’s call the book, “The Coroner Conspiracy Theorist.” Soon after, the Funeral Director calls in Zombie backup once the Deep State sends in hit men silencers to prevent the COVID clot shot expose otherwise.

Emotionally Compelling Situation part II.

A Supreme Court Justice nominee receives a thank you note from a convicted sex offender for being soft on pedophilia. “Thanks for the Pete Townsend, just doing opposition research defense for a song about the proliferation of kiddie porn today called, “Cherry Picking Private Parts, It’s So Easy, Easy, When Everyone Under 10 Years of Age Is Out to Please Me Baby.”

Emotionally Compelling Situation part III.

A big brother asks for his wedding gift back after his ex-wife already pawned off her engagement ring. Big bro calls, “Hey bro, with my 46th birthday around the corner, I was thinking you could regift my Nintendo wedding gift, especially those added games like Pro Wrestling and Double Dribble knowing how your marriage lasted longer than Knick playoff runs during the Carmelo Anthony era. Who should be the co-spokesperson with Westbrook for Tampax Tampons because name another offensive duo responsible for stopping so much flowage. Little bro asks, “Why would I do that?” I say, “Because it would be a gift for all 3 kids and when you add up their ages 8, 11 and 5 and your 23 gifts behind. And you’ll be off the hook for 23 more years, when they won’t expect you to be another uncle to be uninvolved with anymore.”

Emotionally Compelling Situation Part IIII:

How does an autistic pastry chef/activist/models bring an autistic perspective to the BLM movement? Does he count all the ways BLM leaders burned their credibility through charges of tax evasion while blowtorching tops on rows of Creme Brulees?

Just read about an all-girl Muslim prom in Detroit. So, their prom was like mine, pork free.

Minneapolis Mosques are allowed to blast the call to prayer on outdoor speakers all year around now. I didn’t realize they were struggling to amplify their cries of Islamophobia despite averaging 5 shoutouts a day of Allah Akbar already.

Fuck your Pandemic talk. The real pandemic is the vax shot which depresses your immune system more than entry into the Dallas Buyers Club.

1 kid only means your diaphragm is for walls after all.

Why does Planned Parenthood need a 20 million donation from Jeff Bezos’s ex -wife? Planned Parenthood only made 184 million in revenue after teaming up with Gate’s ex-wife to fight off the surge in global warming by selling their own brand of umbilical chard stump smoothies, while rebranding them as Century Club Elixers in honor of Bill and Fauci. In other words, year of the Four Eyed Snakes, Challah. Cooking Sacred Cows rule. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth