It’s impossible to act pleased whenever my wife takes pictures of our 3 kids wearing masks when it’s not Halloween; in a post woke, China placating universe gone wild. In these moments, I become what I detest the most, a triggered snowflake, yelling out to my daughter Matilda, “Smile, you can be America’s Top Belly Dancer now and wear a mask wherever, whenever you like, assuming you train hard enough on your core to become a Peloton instructor in junior high. Because at that point the entire restaurant industry will have been dead for a decade already. So, all the bankable babysitting money will be kaput by then to. You’ll have zero clubs to rave in fairy wing looking like an overdose at the Limelight waiting to happen. Smile, Matilda, you’re going to be America’s Next Top Belly Dancer, assuming you put your mask on between meals to avoid snacking and socially distance yourself from carbs.
Who are these kids that love to wear Covid masks? Do they identify as moderate Muslim housewives on Casual Friday? How do I get my kids used to wearing masks? I host burning mask parties.
The only way a Feminist can get you to eat her pussy is by forcing you to wear a pussy hat mask on in public. Do these altruist mask monitors who yell at strangers to wear a mask outside on the street, offer junkies clean needles to shoot up with at the local dose off wall park bench in downtown Portlandia? Are these mask crusaders at large on triple condom wrap detail, next time Charlie Sheen rolls the dice in Vegas at an AVN wrap up party and forgets again how only Magic can make HIV disappear?
Only 6 percent of Covid linked deaths are by Covid alone. So can we unmask this pandemic sham by getting Rudy Giuliani to grill some Medical Examiner under oath for making every Death Certificate list Covid as the final main cause, instead of China? Giuliani says, “Let me guess. You took one look at your last corpse and said, “He stinks like Walmart in August. I’ll dump in the Covid death pool with the rest.”
Wear a mask. Only if you suck off my super soaker for a super spreader deluxe. Pretend Obama ordered you to leak it.
In Hatti, they’re too poor to lockdown their mud mask resort economy. As a result, only 19 out of a million Hattians have gotten Covid. Wyclef could shake off the rust and clean up on New Year’s Eve in 2020 there. Wyclef does a remix cover by REM and sings, “It’s the end of the world, as we know it, and I feel fine about my solo career post Fugees, which didn’t include jail time for tax evasion because I don’t view the IRS as the Jew devil spawn like Lauryn Hill, which is fake news man.”
The CEO of Costco says, “Safety is worth the inconvenience”, of wearing a mask to buy more paper towels. Smile America, Alex Jones isn’t so nutty after all.