Colorblind Clutch Gene

All Lives Matter is the new n word.

Imagine JJ Redick wearing an All-Lives Matter pin on ESPN during March Madness?

Later that evening, his wife says, “The alt-right comb over has to go dear.”

JJ Redick says, “Fine, but Christian Laettner’s tattoo on my ass stays.

He’s the only college player that played on the only Dream Team that matters before Magic made HIV disappear.

He’s only regarded as the most consistently clutch player in NCAA history who won one more national championship than Air Jordan did before he shamed Scottie Pippen on the Last Dance doc for delaying knee surgery as a salary negotiating tactic for getting paid less than BJ Armstrong’s nanny.

And Jordan had Big Game James worthy over Grant Hill.

Wife says, “Big game Worthy. Then, why did Worthy have to pay for it then?

JJ Redick replies, “I don’t know, cause Magic hogged up all the Laker girls between periods.

Did you know Christian Laettner has the most points scored in NCAA tournament history?

Wife says, “So?”

JJ Redick says, “So All American big men from Upstate New York with polish ancestry and a flawless midrange shooting game matter to dear, any dumb ass Polack who supports thugs’ lives matter most gets that.  

And you wonder why Christian Laettner is the most hated player in NCAA history. It’s because he’s the most clutch foul shooter in college basketball history while attending the Harvard of the South doing his best Tom Brady impression before Tom Brady was fucking Tom Brady in New England. But guaranteed money in the NBA regardless of having a decent hook shot with your left is so oppressive.”

Michael Kornbluth

Hard To Handle Hanukkah

How do you trigger a gym teacher today?

Dress your son up in a Kyrie Irving shirt from the NBA store for Hanukkah.

Maybe now, Coach will remember my kid’s name.

Coach yells.

Get that Kyrie Irving shirt off.

Son says.

Do you need mental health counseling like Ben Simmons?

I think Stephen A lost his mind to.

He thinks Kevin Durant is living out a Greek tragedy.

Teaming up with Chipmunk Chucker in Golden State was so oppressive.

Kyrie Irving betrayed Kevin Durant.

If Fredo and Mike Pence had a baby.

At least Karen’s don’t know who Kyrie Irving is because they never watched ESPN in the 1st place.

Coach cracks.

You’re banned from the NBA.

Son says.

But I’m not Kyrie Irving.

I’m Arthur Kornbluth, remember?

So, you’re just another wise ass Jew like the rest.

Michael Kornbluth

Smiling In Seattle

Even in Ken Griffey Junior’s doc on ESPN, Lebron James, King of the Persecution Complex manages to act more petulant persecuted than ever. He says, “When you grow up where I did, the only sports you can play are Basketball and Football.” In other words, fuck Ken Griffey Junior’s comfy, black upbringing, chilling in the dug out watching George Foster crank out 52 dingers while I had to grow up in a fatherless home, only for my mama to shit where I ball and bang Delonte West because there’s nothing else better to do on a Tuesday in Cleveland anyway. Why do you think JR Smith was finally able to remain focused on the court and not have Rihanna suck him dry to the bone. Last, what the hell is Lebron James doing in a doc about Ken Griffey Junior? Lebron’s ugly ass jumper heave ho, will never be in the same class as Ken Griffey’s picture perfect, swing blasts for the ages. Plus, Ken Griffey Junior understood his personality limitations and stuck to smiling on Wheaties boxes and Upper Deck Rookie cards. Last, Ken Griffey Junior would never wear a Yankee hat if he grew up in Akron, Ohio, in attempt to project their dynastic aura, regardless if the NY Post called Ken Griffey Senior a less approachable Joe Morgan, until he started ripping fart bombs in the dugout because Junior was only 19 years old when he signed with Seattle and was more into Fresh Prince than Soundgarden.

Michael Kornbluth