8 billion later, you’d think Zelinsky could spring for a new shirt.
Now, I know why they call them army fatigues.
Biden won’t trade for Brittney Griner because he’s a dude.
He can’t tell if he just shat his pants again.
But Hair Plugs Sniffer can still sniff out a payback opportunity from 11 times zones away.
Flowers show whether your sorry or not.
A florist caught me staring.
She says, “Can I help you?”
I say, “I’m still deciding how sorry I actually am.”
I add, “Am I really sorry about sighing after my wife told me about blowing money on a cleaning service after only getting my LinkedIn Recruiter account installed at work on Friday? Wife says, “It shouldn’t make a difference to you. It’s leftover birthday money from my father.” “Yeah, well it’s definitely not from leftover commission money that I earned from you father’s H1-B referral when I started to work for Robert Half after he became a grandfather 2 times over. I would’ve had an easier time selling a Bollywood Musical to Mindy Kaling about a MAGA mom who launches a Desantis Bobble Head Doll business to pay for her daughter’s hate speech voice lessons called Midnight Bus To Martha’s Vineyard, than making a placement fee off that guy.”
Fuck Marc Maron for becoming a blowhard, sell out Hippy hack like the rest.
Triple vaxed Maron is like Neil Young minus the comedy gold records.
Because it’s hard not to laugh at Neil Young records these days.
When his idea of political activism these days, is bitching on Twitter about canceling the Joe Rogan Podcast.
Young, he’s a bigger stoner than you are dude.
He does DMT into forties for Christ’s sake.
So, let’s not act as if Rogan is conducting secret mind control experiments for the military industrial complex on broke trust fund babies in the sixties reduced to eating stray cats behind Poo Poo Porks on the backstreets of San Francisco.
So, Rogan interviewed a doctor on his podcast who said, “The vaccine works less than Obama does on his fade away jumper.”
Because if Obama was such a baller in high school, then why did he ride the bench at an all-Asian private school in Hawaii?
But seriously how much did Obama ruin everything, including Hawaii, the NBA and Marc Maron’s podcast career?
Roseanne Barr refuses to add hazel nut creamer to her coffee because of Obama now.
Since she got fired from her own show for making fun of Valerie Jarrett.
Who isn’t Corrett Scott King last time I checked.
She’s the Muslim’s Brotherhood’s dreamy love child, who cooked up the Nuke gifting Time Out Deal with Iran.
After pushing Obama Be Good to lift sanctions and grant Iran 2 billion dollars in unmarked bills to create more overseas manufacturing jobs for Build A Bear.
To make the Iranian economy less reliant on the sale of hair removal products for the Kardashians.
Valerie Jarrett only lived with Obama and What’s Talent Got To Do With It as their live in Arabian horse whisperer throughout his entire tenure of his anti-Israel administration, no big deal mang.
Shit, Obama hated Israel so much, he published Israel’s nuke launching codes on Medium, Al Jazeera Earth and on Illan Omar’s secret Gmail address used for her Muslim brotherhood ties at YourMamaObama@Gmail.com.
Obama ruined the NBA since it became a safe space for Lebron’s ego, which is extensions of Obama’s really, outside of him not tattooing on chiseled lats, “The Chosen One.” Who’s otherwise known as king of the persecution complex.
Who cares if Lebron got the idea of wearing a cast after Michelle threatened to break her arm in his ass, if he offered Beyonce Paul’.Newsman’s Lemonade over home homemade Kombucha again?
You know America has lost its rollicking edge when Steph Curry is on the cover of Rolling Stone, which is lamer than a young Cameron Crowe being on it.
If Steph Curry loses this year. Do you think Obama will scurry into his man cave in Martha’s Vineyard and console himself by munching on his secret stash of Almond Joy’s hid behind a giant box of Duct Tape from Costco?
Ever since Marc Maron interviewed Obama, he’s just become another unhinged Obama Be Good licker upper.
He never asked Obama.
What awards have you won that aren’t participation trophy ones?
Did you even win the Hawaiian Tropic Towel Boy competition in 86?
You couldn’t even win an Emmy on Netflix about climate change because Al Gore’s speaking career is still ice cold.
And why did you win the Nobel Peace Prize again?
All you did was rebrand ISIS, ISIL so they’d sound more startup friendly in the NY times.
That’s an Obama accomplishment to revolve a Presidential library with.
Eisenhower built highways and won the great war.
You ruined Hawaii, the NBA and my podcast career. You were so unlikeable towards the end; you made Trumpy Tits president like when all you did was fill in for the Messiah medium Jesus Freak from Connecticut in a Texas drawl and beat Mitt Romney’s power tie collection from Brooke’s Brother’s.
Last, my MAGA listeners left want to know.
Does Illan Omar text you what Toni Morrison to quote next on Twitter?
Let me guess.
Last time you said, “Don’t even think of quoting Ann Rice Omar. Living in the Big Easy doesn’t make you black enough bitch.”
Don’t you think baby face Omar gonna to work out is an antisemitic runt who doesn’t belong in Congress after marrying her cousin in exchange for US citizenship status?
How does she celebrate Holocaust Remembrance Day with your boy Farrakhan? Post termite Emoji feeds in Elie Wiesel’s old Twitter feed from dawn till night? But include the hashtag, “ButNataliePortmanisalright.
For the anniversary of Amy Winehouse’s death, did you push Illan Omar to tweet, “Something happened to a devil horn hiding, beehive sporting hypnotist Jew bitch, who exploited the great Palestinian Song Book for all it was worth.
Rocking Maron lives, Challah.
Thank you very much.