Tag: faith

Wimp Heaven

by doitalldadyear, posted in poetry, technology, writing

I wonder if Kevin Smith used a Fountain Pen with red ink when he got hired on the down low to rewrite Good Will Hunting. I know only Seinfeld is allowed to crack wise. Interesting fact, Walt Disney preferred tobacco brown ink, over black. You don’t say? According to Walt, black ink didn’t give much texture to each stroke. Wasn’t the Constitution written in black ink? I know ancient, outdated relic of yesteryear, totally get it. But black ink doesn’t give much texture to each stroke? Ice Cube, feel free to chime in anytime you want, anyone out there, Mueller, Mueller. But Walt Disney only favored tobacco brown over black ink for mere aesthetic reasons only. Sure, and bug on stick trucks in Davos this year won’t clean up. Black ink doesn’t give as much texture to each stroke. Tell that to Ice Cube’s Raider’s gear in the eighties. Even today, those throwback Raiders jerseys exude more layered in your face attitude than Tony Gwynn in Padres pinstripes ever did is all I’m saying. Wimp Heaven lives, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Born To Woo

by doitalldadyear, posted in business, poetry, writing

Hi Joe,

Joshua Kornbluth here, Recruitment Parter for the Human Edge, consider me a risk-free hedge.

Why are you experiencing hiring pains?

Is it the time sucking practice of sorting through resumes on weekends away from your friends and kids beyond lame?

Why can’t you find enough qualified candidates?

Is your job description blah that produces nothing but shruggish nah’s?

Why do you keep missing out on the best candidates for the job?

Is it overreliance on coding tests, or having a gun-shy recruiting partner who’s sloppy second best?

Why is your talent pool so shallow?

Does your recruiter watch reality TV shows at night in a permanently flatlined state of fixated wallow.

Is your recruiter not good at wooing?

Do they act immune to booing?

Have you considered removing interview steps?

Interview overkill is the kiss of death.

Only 30 percent of companies can fill roles in 30 days.

I’ll fill your role in 2 weeks.

Aggression pays.

The remaining companies take anywhere from 1-3 months to hire.

How are these hiring partners not getting fired?

Janis Joplin died a rock legend at 27.

I’ll fill your roles faster than it takes Janis to finish a bottle Southern Comfort in rock star heaven.

What special ingredient is missing from your team?

You haven’t worked with Headhunter Writer yet.

Your one-man pitch machine.

What’s preventing you from getting better company into your life?

You just haven’t worked with a recruiter with enough personality yet to woo Mr. Right.

Headhunter Writer excels at flirting with She Pronouns too.

Unlike your middle of the road meh recruiter.

I was born to woo.

Your Favorite Headhunter Writer,

Joshua Kornbluth

Headhunter Writer

by doitalldadyear, posted in humor, poetry, writing

A Content Director who makes beachwear out of recycled bottle asks.

“What does a Headhunter Writer do?”

Where do I begin?

For starters, I sell the merits of why working with me is a win, win.

I’ll change your life in the blink of an eye.

With me in your life, you’ll never want to die.

What’s my added value you ask LinkedIn?

I save deals from imploding and bring them back to life.

With me in the driver’s seat, you only see green lights.

What does a Headhunter Writer do?

I’ll call you more than your own mother.

But respect your boundaries enough to never smother.

What does a Headhunter Writer do?

I hound new talent with exalted emotion.

They can’t help but reply with, “What’s with all the commotion?”

Headhunter Writer keeps new connections afloat with a simple note.

Let’s stay in touch regardless because I’ll sell you the hardest.

Headhunter Writer thinks like a monk.

And breathes renewed life into tired job descriptions that quite frankly stunk.  

Nothing about Headhunter Writer is so, so.

He giftwraps candidates without the bow.

Headhunter Writer is a one-man pitch machine.

Do you want an injury prone softy or an old war horse like Nolan Ryan pitching for your team?  

Headhunter Writer makes you feel less alone.

With Headhunter Writer in your life.

You’ll no longer feel like a lifeless drone.

Headhunter Writer sells with pop culture references galore, which never bore.

He’ll pitch, “Repping a 3rd generation programmer who works for Google.

He’s IT’s answer to the Rock family. And he loves to program with Golang too.

What’s your family legacy? Outside of sending rejected scripts about sexual harassment to Miramax pre-me too.

Headhunter Writer makes you feel singularly special.

You taught JavaScript to kids in the West Bank.

You really are a mensch and a half.

Hiring you is a no brainer mitzvah move for any staff.

You want out of New York?

Give a Headhunter Writer a ring.

He’s also known as the Relo King.

Headhunter Writer sells the need for better company in your life.

Because newer is better than played out, lost cause littered strife.  

Headhunter Writer wants to take your company to the top while pitching your in-house gourmand chef who’s got an allergic reaction to slop.

Headhunter Writer is a family man poet killer seller wrapped into one.

How can you say no to this marriage of art and commerce devoid of Ken the Barista rocking the man bun?

Headhunter Writer is a one-man rock and roll band.

Who can go off script, and improvise with the best like Steely Dan.

Work with Headhunter Writer and you’ll get your own wall of sound.

Whatever your message is, it will get heard, even in an Australian bush with nobody else around.

Headhunter Writer doesn’t waste his time recycling the same tired drivel.

Aren’t you tired of working with the mediocre middle?

What does Headhunter Writer do?

He’ll sell your story, vision or cause with unmatched glee, as long as you pay his staffing fee.

Headhunter Writer never tires.

He always has a new success story to craft that inspires.

You need a Headhunter Writer on your side.

With him you can’t lose, because he’s got Do It All Dad Year pride on his side.

Your Favorite Headhunter Writer,

Joshua Kornbluth

Sensitive To Stale

by doitalldadyear, posted in humor, poetry, writing

The technician from Optimum reconnects our Internet.

I declare.

“God is dead. Not today Nietzche, not on Optimum’s watch. God lives, Challah, thank you very much.”

And the Optimum Tech says, God lives. Can you include that plug in your customer service satisfaction survey?” Hashtag, #GoWokeYourselfNietzche.

Fresher is better, Challah.

Thank you very much.

I’m flipping 2 middle fingers to the Internet for being out for 3 days by playing a plethora of records at home on vinyl during our Internet fast such as Fats Domino, Warren Zevon, Miles Davis and Meatloaf. But then I try to inject artistic deepness into my life by buying Hunky Dory by David Bowie to play on a Saturday night which failed to give me sustained stiffage of any kind.

You know a David Bowie record is a chuck worthy offense. When you can’t even get through half of the second side without flicking the clunker at little Hudson’s face.

And say, “Stop bitching kid. Your hipster hack dad could’ve named you Bowie instead. Ziggy Stardust sucks when he reverts to being David Bowie again. Glam metal is no substitute for an enviable personality kid. That’s why your mom Micro-Doses with magic mushrooms to make you more interesting than your father pretends to be.”

Fuck David Bowie.

I want to dress my blond-haired son as Craig Ehlo for Halloween.

To celebrate a time, pre-social media when the NBA wasn’t a safe space for Lebron James ego before he anointed himself, King of The Persecution Complex.

Just so a dad from my Gen X generation says.

“Hey kid, are you dressed as Craig Ehlo from the 86 Cavs? I should call Child Services. I can’t tell if you’re dressed up to go Trick or treating or tea bagging with MJ? Hey kid, did you know that Tom Chambers isn’t in the hall of fame after scoring 20,000 career points? White privilege, my ass. ”

Fresher is better, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Dark Web Monopoly

by doitalldadyear, posted in humor, poetry, writing
What’s the latest message from Ukraine? Cribs me. Russian Caviar doesn’t grow on trees. I want a creamy white Bugatti with a yellow, blue trim for Ukrainian Christmas. Keep your Ak-47s. They reek of hashish and Afghani cheese caves made out of camel’s milk. Got Hunter’s Zip Drive by the balls. Got Venmo? Zelensky needs to record his next charity drive for Comic Relief at Electric Lady Land Studios for 500 per hour. Ukraine cries penny stocks while ringing the bell at the New York Stock Exchange. Perogies are too starchy after getting hooked on lobster claws. Pierogi Peasant blues, Challah. Thank you very much.

Flirter With A Cause

by doitalldadyear, posted in beauty, creativity, entertainment

Yesterday, my son asks, “What did you learn at work today? I say, “I learned that Chili is the best place for stargazing on the planet.” He says, “Isn’t that the Northern Lights.” I say, “Have you seen Bjork with no makeup on? They don’t call her warmup act the Shrieking Seals for nothing.” Your submission was made yesterday. We presented you as a UX/UI Designer with breath taker designs to show, without using the actual expression breath taker, but you get the gist. It brought me pleasure to put your portfolio in a turn on position. Best Always, Joshua K P.S. Loved Bjork in the movie Dancer In the Dark.