Muslims, Mormons and Eunuchs?

Oprah begging Disney CEO Bob Iger to run against Trump.

Disney ABC has never had to file for bankruptcy. It’s better that people have no idea what you sound like compared to Michael Eisner. Jemele Hill can write your speeches for Grambling State University.

You look more presidential than Trump in a Windsor Knot. Nobody needs to know you went to Ithaca College, otherwise known as Cornell’s retarded next door neighbor. College record sealing is no big deal Bob.

Your perfect hair looks less overly pampered than Trump. You’ll deny Valerie Jarrett constructed the nuke gifting deal to Iran as Obama’s live in Arabian Horse Whisperer.

You allowed Sean Spicer on Dancing With Stars, which shows you’re bi partisan. Dan Le Batard can ask you debate questions instead of Lester Holt. Proving you’re not a free speech, favoring elitist.

Mom texts in response to videos of her 3 grandkids on the piano at FAO Schwartz. Looks like you had a fun day in the city.

In other words, I’m all out of pleasant adjetives to describe my happiness for my unemployed son enjoying my 3 grandchildren without Me Me.

Old Work Bud texts. Sorry, just got these texts. Had friends visiting from Colorado. I left you a voicemail about the NY Post reviewing my book asshole. Not to mention the A plus jokes about Hunter Biden I sent to your LinkedIn mail and you’re a recruiter.

If you want to know whether your friends hate you for supporting Trump. Text them a Hunter Biden joke about him banging his dead brother’s widow. Zero reply means, he still watches CNN religiously like Bill Maher coming down off strong E.

Robert Dinero on CNN looks like he identifies as a fake news tough Betsy Ross, falling apart at the seams.

Dinero melting down on CNN. Impeach Trump Nancy. His supporters won’t watch my movies anymore. Box office projections for the Irishman in Vegas outside of New York don’t feel very lucky.

EXT. Hell’s Kitchen-NYC

Old Work Associate

You had a 3rd.

Do It All Dad

God loves me more than you obviously.

Old Work Associate

I’ve been with my partner for 4 years.

Do It All Dad

You must be hung like a horse because you’re more boring than ever blah breath.

INT. Parking Garage-NYC

Black kid with his parents and sister sports a Sixer’s hoody.

Do It All Dad

Did AI bet a parlay every day for a whole year? Resulting in AI auctioned off one of his cornrows to China?

Georgetown apologized for slavery. Apologize for not forcing AI to retake Mo Money Management 101, from Do Rags To Riches.

Black Dad and Mom laugh long time.

INT. Trump Tower-NYC

Do It All Dad

Is the Trump Tower Gift Shop a safe space for Obama jokes? Or will I be fined by Deblasio 250K for any joke inferring Obama is an Illegal Alien Muslim from Kenya? Who bows to Sheiks and talks dirty to she hulk in perfect Farsi.

Mom texts in response to primo big city pics of her 3 grandchildren and videos of them on the piano at FAO Schwartz.

Looks like you had a fun day in the city Scoops.

I reply to my resistor mother.

Trump Tower was a blast to. Space Force shirts for Hanukkah it is.

INT. Car

Nurse Wife

No husbands drink after their kids are born in the hospital.

Do It All Dad

So I’m the only dad in 3 years who drank high end bourbon at your hospital to celebrate unplanned parenthood? Other Dads there are Muslims, Mormons and Eunuchs?

EXT. Hell’s Kitchen-NYC

Old Work Associate

You had a 3rd.

Do It All Dad

A new automatic fan of me, the misery. But you’re still recruiting? Working as a professional parasite for hire. My kids would’ve hung up on you already. Did I already tell you I wrote 2 books?

Michael Kornbluth

Too Sensitive Abe

INT. Yonker’s Raceway

Talking Horse

Your resume is confetti for the next Yankee parade.

Do It All Dad

So you’re the HR Director I had a phone interview with already. I placed a guy at Southern Wine and Spirits. No idea he was black till I met him.
INT. DELI

Deli Guy
10.50.

Do It All Dad

You 3 Kids are cheap dates. You’re way better than the Southern Belle who dined on my homemade Linguini in a white clam sauce and pepperoncinis. Only to ask for leftovers to take home, stupid hick.

INT. DELI

Deli Guy

10.50.

Do It All Dad

You kids are cheap dates. You’re way better than the Southern Belle who dined on my homemade Linguini in a white clam sauce and pepperoncinis, only to ask for leftovers to take home. She lost all sex appeal for me on the spot.

INT. Bedroom

Do It All Dad

Nirvana is extinction of 3 fires, greed, hate & delusion.

Daughter

F Vishnu Dada. Rocky only beat Apollo because he was hungrier. He wanted more visciously.

Do It All Dad

Bernie Maddoff’s greed gave our people a bad name.

INT. Bedroom

Do It All Dad

Nirvana is extinction of 3 fires, greed, hate & delusion.

Daughter

I know you’re scared of mommy boring us to death and of a Nanny who will molest my gorgeous 2 brothers behind my back with you on the road getting your killer set act together already.

INT. Bedroom

Do It All Dad

Nirvana is extinction of 3 fires, greed, hate & delusion.

Daughter

But if you’re not fired up to shine and be the best of the rest when you’re an unfamous nobody. You’ll never know whether you were delusional in real life.

INT. Bedroom

Do It All Dad

Nirvana is extinction of 3 fires, greed, hate & delusion.

Daughter

If you don’t hate being a nobody, you wouldn’t be fired up over earning your Comedy Gold Porsche Mobile Dada. You’d know if you we’re a hack by now Dada.

INT. Bedroom

Do It All Dad

Nirvana is extinction of 3 fires, greed, hate and delusion.

Daughter

Obviously, Vishnu never bombed every mic 1 year in a row. But hating people for making you feel like a delusional hack strengthend your desire to kill Dada.

INT. POST OFFICE

Do It All Dad

Who takes up vaping in their thirties? My douchebag brother in law who took 7 years to never graduate college does. He’s like Van Wilder minus the rich Dad. Take up blunt rolling while you’re at it.

EXT. Home

Do It All Dad

You don’t hear me crying baby. And I’ve been on bum wipe detail for 8 years.

Bigger Brother

Because Matilda is 8 and you’ve been wiping our baby bums in rapid succession ever since. I totally get it Dada.

INT. Bedroom
Do It All Dad

Nirvana is extinction of 3 fires, greed, hate & delusion.

Daughter

Find a way to take Barnstorming Barbershop USA on the road Dada. What if you did a 2 person act with a Shetland Pony who identified with Akward Jews.

INT. LIBRARY

Library Lady

A baseball book. Do you like baseball daddy?

Do It All Dad

My daughter smacks Wiffle Balls against our House like Artie Lange in Little League when the smell of fresh cut crass and going yard was all you need.

INT. POST OFFICE

Do It All Dad

Who takes up vaping in their thirties? My douche bag brother in law who took 7 years to never graduate college does. He’s like Van Wilder minus the rich Dad. Why not dry hump your penis off for old time sake.

INT. LIBRARY

Library Lady

A baseball book. Do you like baseball daddy?

Do It All Dad

No, I just wrote an all star chapter addition to my rookie debut book, titled, Homers, Dunks and TKO’s because I’m a Cricket Zenophobe lady.

INT. LIBRARY

Library Lady

A baseball book. Do you like baseball daddy?

Do It All Dad Do I have ISIS Life tattooed on my fucking forehead?

INT. Home

Wife

Get a job or move out. I’ve sacrificed so much to support your alleged comedy career.

Do It All Dad

You act like a wannabe comedian in his late twenties wanted kids ever. Also, the kids need me around more than you fake feminist.

INT. DELI

2 Year Old Son

Penis, Penis.

Do It All Dad

Your push pop does operate like a penis with the woman’s prior consent, with a lawyer present to create a sworn affidavit documenting your super soaker agreement, that’s correct.

INT. LIBRARY

Library Lady

A baseball book. Do you like baseball daddy?

Do It All Dad

No, I just wrote an Eastbound and Down script Cooperstown Or Bust. Only to show my father I’m not a flaming fruitcake.

INT. Bedroom

Do It All Dad

Nirvana is extinction of 3 fires, greed, hate & delusion.

Daughter

You are a total laugh blowing slut Dada. Being so wild and free isn’t always such a good thing. Giving up on the delusion of Mama loosing all faith in you would help.

INT. Home (V.0)

Do It All Dad

If, “All good things are wild & free.” Then, why are my parents embarrassed about me being a stay at home dad? Whose written 2 books, done 124 podcasts. John Lennon wishes he was this productive during his stay at home dad years.

INT. Daughters Bedroom

Do It All Dad

According to this Religion Explained in 30 Seconds book. Hindus beleive our fate is determined by karma.

Daughter

What’s Karma?

Do It All Dad

Making the Comedy God Killu laugh long time because he gave me you kid.

INT. Fancy Supermarket

American Asian Fish Manager

Is that it?

Do It All Dad

Let me guess. You’re pissed at Andrew Yang for not boasting about knowing any working class Fish Mongers.

INT. Bar-Knob Creek-KY

Austin Gollaher

Honest Abe was also Too Sensitive Abe because he made me swear to never tell anyone I saved him from drowning when we’re kids coon hunting.

Do It All Dad

Because Abe hated being a worst swimmer than Frederick Douglass?

INT. Home

Daughter

Daddy, how has your life changed since you became a father?

Do It All Dad

I still give a shit about what LinkedIn thinks of me. Mimi and Papà gushed about Uncle John at his wedding despite my 3 kids to his zero. So not much actually.

Michael Kornbluth

Linked To CNN and Homemakers

Scene: Text exchange with an old work bud. Taking your kid to a Phish show could wear him out. It’s nothing a can of CBD Seltzer to the head can’t solve. It had the opposite impact on my son in Vermont. Just like daddy, he gets extra talky on it.

Daughter’s new friend ad for daddy posted in Town and Country. New friend needed for Daddy. Interests include writing, reading, complaining about Mama, getting laughs and buying more vinyl rock records we don’t have room for according to Mama.

They should rename Coffee With Comedians to we didn’t join Second City to do funny Improv off the cuff for a reason.

INT. HOME

Son

Have you sent your book to Trump yet?

Do It All Dad

Yeah, I’m hoping he decides to give Do It All Dad Does Jokes a book plug on Twitter, so Michael Savage feels like an asshole for never responding to my A plus material.

Giving an 8 year old lent Library books is the most insensitive gift ever. Her library isn’t even local to us. Plus, you strip gift giving of all fun for a kid whenever there’s an expected return of arrival. It’s like a recess pass for books.

INT. HOME

Wife

Why do the kids want to do chores all of a sudden?

Do It All Dad

Because according to you a rampant rodent problem is on the horizon whenever I make a late night snack. And they don’t want daddy to start yelling at you again.

INT. Pizzeria-Carmel, NY

Do It All Dad

Who gives a shit about the Dodgers? Fernando Valenzuela was exciting ages ago. Oh, you were just answering my question about who the Yankees were going to play in the World Series, my bad.

LinkedIn says I’d be in the top 10 percent if I applied for a job at CNN. Yeah, I’d rather be indexed under homemaker on their worldwide resume database. At least homemakers, don’t sling servings of poisonous shit soup for a living.

Michael Kornbluth

Feminism Killed Pick Up Ball

Bill Burr making fun of what the feminist movement has become in his comedy special on Netflix.

The Woman’s March on Washington was disgusting. All I saw was a whole lot of Rosie’s, sporting a whole lot of chin’s. Like I would have my daughter watch it. Daddy, what’s Pussy Power? A new show on Amazon Prime?

Ashley Judd wasn’t raped. She declined an invitation to watch Harvey Weinstein shower himself down in his 5 star suite at the 4 Seasons. Granted, Kentucky gals have plenty of experience judging fat pigs at the County fair.

Why do feminists support Joe Biden? He went skinny dipping at his house with the Secret Service there. That’s like President Trump golfing nude with Kid Rock and Sarah Palin on Ramadan.

I though the feminist movement was started to secure voting rights for woman, not to place Miley Cyrus on the same moral standing as Jesus Christ superstar incarnate.

Why doesn’t anyone call Hillary Hitler? She financed the fake news story about Russian Collusion to cover up what an unhuggable cunt she is. She exposed Nikki Sixx’s snowflake side. You want to talk monstrous?

Does Baby Face Omar text Obama for what Toni Morrison or Maya Angelo quote to use next? Yeah, I don’t see Norah Ephron making Obama’s final cut either. Take a hike Susan Rice. Living in the Big Easy doesn’t make you black enough bitch.

Imagined future interview for a staff Writer role in the city. So you’ve been a stay at home Dad for almost a decade. My father prefers the expression sheltered bum. CEO of new media startup laughs longtime.

All I know is Mick Jagger sounds like Al Gore to me now. And I don’t like it, like it.

I just noticed ankle fat, draped over the back of my Air Jordan’s. I’m no better than Hillary Hammer Time Cankels. And I did Box Jumps today. I bet Hillary has certain aids jump through rings of fire for her box. Pay to play bitches.

EXT. PARK-6PM

Do It All Dad approaches a couple on a bench.

Do It All Dad

Do kids play ball anymore? Also, school just started. Today, they can’t even give basketballs away at Modell’s. Even if they come with Dwight Howard’s trans girlfriends hand prints on it.

My jokes are hidden from the majority of users on Twitter. So what other forms of entertainment do they got? Woman on the bench laughs long time.

 

Michael Kornbluth

My Daughter Identifies As Hindu

Chicago police investigated Jussie Smollet’s hate hoax too vigorously. What did they do? Google MAGA country. Interrogate Jussie about his personal business. Describe your casting couch scene with Lee Daniels. You wouldn’t cross that line, how precious.

Sasha Obama breaking the ice with her roommate at the University of Michigan in their dorm room for freshman orientation.

I get high with my dad. On it, he sounds like a fake news deep, biracial, Bob Marley.

Sasha’s roommate from yenta breath country in Long Island replies.

Yeah, so why haven’t you grown into your mom’s shoulder pads yet? Did your strict almond smoothie diet stunt your growth in the White House? I don’t get it. You’re not going to put up a signed Rolling Stone cover of the squad over my Fab Five one are you?

AOC claims millennials are willing to puncture more taboos than previous generations such as likening border detention facilities to accelerated death camps for starters. The showers in Auschwitz were used for more than lice removal babe.

AOC also claims millennials are more willing to have conversations older generations don’t. You know like whether Henry David Thoreau’s was a lesser poet than Chuck D despite both having supportive mama’s. Who raised them around trees instead of fire escapes.

Wife calls after just leaving for work.

Wife

How are you guys doing?

Do It All Dad

The kids are no longer crying for your attention. But the pizza you made is yummy. Can I go back to enjoying it again because you already feel my annoyance?

INT. HOME

Son

Matilda took a dump on the floor.

Do It All Dad

Maybe, she was impersonating a blacked out Sam Kinison. Either way, leave me alone, clean it up and stop making my alleged break from parenting you a total shit show.

INT. HOME-AM

Baby

Mama, mama.

Do It All Dad

There’s nothing mama can’t do that the Wonder Pets can’t do better. Wonder Pets save the Rat Pack baby. Vince Vaughn ain’t got shit on me.

My daughter’s way more sensitive to her baby brother’s moaning than I am. Baby cries Mama. And she starts praying to Vishnu, to put her baby brother’s spirit in touch with Mama, when she’s at work. So I can get inspired to write Hebrew or Hindu?, already.

Proof your son believes in you winning. Dada, I see hand prints on your book. The hotel guys definitely took a peak at it.

Michael Kornbluth

Pizza Maker In Heaven

Pizza Maker In Heaven

“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.”
George Bernard Shaw

Daughter takes one bite of my homemade Burrata, creamy filled mozzarella bomb pizza, with roasted, fresh basil flecked, roasted cherry tomatoes on top of a cornmeal dusted bottom and practically faints, before delivering the most kindhearted, emotive compliment in do it all dad’s honor ever. “Daddy, I know you still really want to be a headliner standup comedian. But can’t you be a Pizza Maker in Heaven instead? Uncle Rodney will be your favorite customer. Remember how much he likes pizza in Easy Money? You’re money in the bank daddy, money in the bank.”

Pizza Maker in Comedy Heaven has an even nicer ring to it. I can bust Frank Sinatra’s balls for hanging out with Don Rickles, so some personality can rub off through osmosis. I’d also give him grief for ordering one of his goons to knock on Jackie Mason’s hotel room in Vegas, only to break his nose, for making fun of Frank too much. After Frank’s goon shatters Jackie Mason’s nose. Jackie replies with, I told Frank Don Rickles was hitting him with kiddie gloves compared to me.

I love cooking for my 3 children, wife included, but it’s their palpable joy which I derive the most amount of giving pleasure from because all my dishes are made with love. That’s my new line I deliver around my wife whenever I feel like her dinner performance was halfhearted, non-thought through, ordinary dinner assemblage. Thing is, my wife is a good cook. She can even make Lentil Soup scrumptious and visually appealing. But mama isn’t racking up as many yummy dances around the downstairs floors as I do.

 

My attitude is if you’re a stay at home dad or mom, whether it’s your choice or not, make the most of it, by making the family meal great again. Wash the table cloths with the intention of making the family meal a springboard for special memories attached to your home forever. Telling Alexa, never play Barbara Streisand duets with Frank Sinatra again through the Alex app and requesting Send in the Clowns versus just play Frank Sinatra helps maximize the enjoyment factors from these family, forming meals also.

I’ve injected my 3 children into grown up activities I’ve missed out on since becoming a father such as going to any rock concert I wish. Took my kids to see Kid Rock in Hartford, CT. A faded groupie of old was well meaning when she said to my kids, “That brings me back.” And I’m thinking to when?  Your dad ditching your mom for a friskier looking fox half way into a Lynyrd Skynyrd’s cover band version of Free Bird at a local Hartford bar when the Wailers weren’t in town?

 

Thing is, most rock concerts venues are far removed from being considered “family friendly.” For example, when I took the entire family to see Foreigner, Cheap Trick and Jason Bonham’s band in Bethel Woods, my kids were treated with immediate eye scolding, sacrament destroying disdain as if I was intentionally trying to freak all the old timer speed freaks by sneaking my kids into a concert like Michael Jackson’s kids concealed in burkas from head to toe.

Also, I can’t even go to a random pizzeria these days in NY, without being treated like an off-duty Ice Agent in North Face. So where else can a do it all dad attain an ideal mix of tunes and bonding through doing time with his children than in the kitchen at home? Not convinced yet at the bonding rich potential of cooking with your kids even if you’re not self-proclaimed shishy bitch who used to shop at Trader Joes back in the day in LA, only to get Vermont cheddar for his homemade Tuna Melts with avocado, before Vermont cheddar went mainstream.

My youngest child, lucky number 3, Chef Samuels will point at a red onion at Stop and Shop and say, “Eyes”, before rubbing his eyes from the crying produced from cutting onions in the 1st place. I don’t call my son Chef Samuels for nothing folks. He also already eats primo smoked salmon with no adornment whatsoever in addition to eating bits of anchovies pre-Puttanesca. Puttanesca is actually pussy in Italian, so in another lifetime my son obviously had zero problem muff diving before inhaling Sophia Loren scrumptious lobes of perfection whole, hey now. Living out my sexual fantasies through my son is  solid reason for you to call Child Services on me, I agree.

 

Yeah, hello, Child Services, I follow this comedian, I think on WordPress and he’s projecting his Sophia Loren motor boat fantasies through his 2-year-old son which is going over the line in my book. Before you know it, he’ll start smelling his other son’s Pre-K teacher’s hair in his jerkoff fantasies, Mrs. Russo, before titty blasting her in the face. Don’t get me wrong, child services, I’m also a married slut in a straight jacket. But I don’t utter my sexual fantasies through the guise of my children for the entire world to read on the Internet forever either. I am truly testing my editors open minded nature today.

 

When else can dad enjoy a family friendly environment among his favorite people in the universe than at a meal at home? You make sure there’s no Hulu on demand to contend with. It also helps when it’s a passive aggressive free zone, assuming the resistor grandparents aren’t in attendance.

 

If you truly feel your kids are superior company than most, then wouldn’t you care about blowing them away with your homemade peanut Thai sauce minus the coconut cream with a mixture of Lo Mein and Pad Thai noodles, with primo priced, peanut oil, fried, dehydrated, rectangular bits of soy because you schlepped to the zero smiles Chinese grocery store in White Plains, for the peanut oil in the 1ast place?

Who doesn’t want to outshine mommy in the kitchen? For once, the white man, doesn’t have to apologize for being an ineffectual jerkoff. What makes your kids love you more? More Duplo purchases, to keep them busy, so you can read comments on Breitbart, to catch an occasional summation of all Obama’s fuckups. Or, taking the time to teach your kids how to cook, feed themselves, learn to trust their instincts in the kitchen, massage their garbanzo beans with olive and lemon juice in the most sensual, giving a shit about foreplay way possible to solidify deep rooted bonds with your children far past when you’re gone? Because Pizza Makers in Heaven don’t grow on trees and I need to hear Rodney state, “Pizza was good kid but your jokes are perfect.”
The End,

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Motor Mouth Disease

It’s hard not to get defensive when your son’s Pre-K teacher accuses of him being hard to understand. Because “laughter is the sound of comprehension”, and I didn’t score any laughs my 1st year of open mike stand-up.
I want my son to develop male friendships deeper than the eighteen hole. So, I’m bound to get tiffed when his Pre-K teacher implies his speech problems are preventing this from happening at 5. Wrestling Team members spit in their cups at lunch together.
Yea, so for my Son’s Pre-K Progress Report, I was told he’s difficult to understand. Did I mention he’s 5? Aren’t kids at this age barely competent Mimes at this stage in life? You’re not expecting Junior to bail you out in Charades is all I’m saying.
I hate my son’s Pre-K teacher saying how my son’s speech problem is preventing from making more friends. Because I know how much it sucks for zero friends to show in the hospital for your kid’s afterbirth party. Which feels like a pre-cursor for your funeral.
Arthur’s speech problems make it hard for him to develop positive relationships. Relax Teacher, I already told him about Dale Carnegie’s, “How to Win Friends and Influence People. ” Fake interest in others as long as possible.
Arthur’s speech problems make it hard for him to develop positive relationships with his peers. I’ll tell him to tone down his express genius. Like Henry Miller said. Nothing is more depressing than a genius scrounging for work.
Arthur’s speech problems make it hard for him to develop positive relationships with his peers. But my friend from college JT called me a Social Genius. And he’d hated how successful my people, New York Jews were in general.

 

Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
But he isn’t an out of work blogger for Buzzfeed. President Trump isn’t showering praise in their direction.
Arthur’s speech problems make it hard for him to develop positive relationships with his peers. But Arthur doesn’t resort to calling his classmates Little Hitler, every time he calls BS on their on their moral grandstanding.

Arthur’s speech problems make it hard for him to develop positive relationships. But I’m raising a drug free son. The burnouts in High School will have to resort to Yearbook Grateful Dead quotes to articulate their inner most feelings the most.

 

Arthur’s speech problems make it hard for him to develop positive relationships with his classmates. Is he sprinkling his conversation with too much Yiddish for the local townies to comprehend. North Pole is a schlep Billy.

Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.

Turn the kids on to John Coltrane records, during his super-frenetic period. So, they can keep up with his motor mouth already.
Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
Is Janey crying because Arthur called her a fake feminist for never offering to pick up after her Crayola station?
Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
But he can run and jump without falling. So, nobody is calling him a knock-kneed putz. Which is a step up in life over daddy at his age.
Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
Is Billy’s roundups of Sponge Bob Square Pants so much more absorbing to hear?
Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
But I thought wearing a #MAGA hat to school would prove he’s a bad boy soy boy. Was the Pink Polo shout out to Kayne West overkill?
Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
Native New Yorker’s talk fast because like they Dave Matthews they have so much to say. Bad example, Dave Matthews makes no sense to me either.
Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
He’s a better-looking River Phoenix. Plus, he’s funny. I don’t see him having to hound playmates here.
Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
Is he expected to be more fluent in Spanish for shared Taco Tuesdays already?
Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
Arthur’s speech problems make it hard for him to develop positive relationships.
He writes love Mia more legibly than I could. My penmanship looks like chicken scratch Hebrew. You’d think I write deli reviews for the Kosher Planet.

 

Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
That’s because he’s a peerless communicator like Howard Stern after his puppet show gang bang display phase.
Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
Because he’s demanding commission money from selling more Girl Scout Cookies than Mia? I sold the most, why shouldn’t I get a cut of the pie.
Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
Do you think a 5-year-old James Woods went out of his way to explain the importance of American Exceptionalism over finger painting red, white and blue?
Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
Sure, if he was a tech support worker from Mumbai trying to get a job at the Genius Bar in Manhattan. But Oscasio Cortez makes sense.

Arthur’s speech problems make it hard for him to develop positive relationships.
You’d think my son was impersonating Bill Maher. Why does a Black CIA agent cross the road when he’s already standing under a Popeyes Chicken?
I’m very sensitive to charges of talking too fast. Are you amazed, I haven’t run out of breath yet?
The End

By,
Michael Kornbluth

 

Ensuring Genius Doesn’t Become Toxic

Nothing is worse than being reminded you’re not as smart as others, especially when it’s your younger brother. I’ve never had this problem because my younger brother asks my mother questions such as: Is the St. Louis Arch like the Eiffel Tower? In a pathetic, feeble, half-hearted, fake news deep flail of a stab at trying to show genuine interest in another one of my mother’s blood facing draining, historical site overviews from her trip cross country back to Arizona last summer.

Yesterday afternoon, 5-year-old, baby brother Art Show USA won the winter bouquet adornment contest over his 8-year old big sister by unanimous decision. Daughter asks. So, daddy, whose winter bouquet do you like better? Art Show’s artful placement of pine needles and ferns is a more impressive assemblage of winter land forestry Matilda. But you had more empty space to fill, in your regular vase compared to the IPA glass, Art Show made burst with over the top in your face, beauty greenery. Daughter blurts in a fumed, semi-playful disgust as a form of self-defense from not crying on the spot, “Goodbye.” Seconds later she storms toward my direction and ends up wailing me in the back 4 times in the row at least. I try to diffuse big sister’s bruised ego in the face of her younger brother’s more impressive showing of florist, foraging genius on display. “Matilda, you’ll have to find a way to accept you not always being so equal to your younger brother after all. Get used to it. Big Sister gets up from her seat to wail on my back again with more menace this time around and says in true feminist fighter fashion. “I don’t want to get used to it. You can’t tuck me in for a whole month.”
Reality is, this wasn’t the 1st time big sister has come face to face with her younger brother’s towering genius at work. Forcing big sister to contemplate her diminutively diminished creator stature like every time they’ve had a LEGO DUPLO, builder off. Before each build off, I’ll command, “show me genius”, the way Sid Ceaser did to his dream team of comedy writers back in the day on the Show of Shows, showcasing, an all-star cast of whose who, in American Comedy in their infancy, including, Neil Simon, Woody Allen, Carl Reiner and Mel Brooks to name a few. Now, my increasing concern is about making sure my son’s rising tide of genius doesn’t sink big sisters spirits anymore, leading to more self-defeating thoughts, which can derail their love boat of a relationship forever.
I never had a love boat of relationship with my younger brother. At the same time, smooth sailing has eluded our blood on blood journey through the winds of change, especially when younger brother attempts to take the wind out of your sails, by accusing his unemployed comedian/father of 3 of accomplishing nothing but birthing 3 genius babies. And this is after I’ve written for TV twice. You can blame the lash out on the Adderall all you want. The insult was intended to get a rise out of me. Instead, I replied with: Have a nice day. Thanks to endless airplay of Bon Jovi’s greatest hits in our family SUV. The wonders of getting CD steals at Target as a Stay at Home Comedian/Father of 3. Plus, there’s no denying how my 3 kids keep me young at heart. Why else would be I getting asked for ID at Target with 3 kids in tow at 42 years of age? Whenever daddy can’t resist a 12 pack of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale for only 12.99 a pop. Getting asked for ID with 3 kids makes me feel like a teen mom dropout from Tallahassee. When I get home, I feel compelled to change my LinkedIn Headline to Crystal Meth Homemaker.
So recently, my younger brother got fired from a solid job, which paid 75K, they poured plenty of training into him also. Plus, the name of this company is a solid resume builder also. Naturally, both of my parents did their best to prop up his deflated ego, by backing his assertion of being “sandbagged” at work. Which is victim virtue signaling, loser lame language of the lowest order. Odds are, my parents will still hold my younger brother up on a higher pedestal as usual because he’s got “demons” in his closet. Which possessed him to steal their ATM card in junior high to take more of their mo, mo money for more of his daytrip nose candy visits to Washington Heights, ensuring he only heard last call from the bathroom stall years later in college, before flunking out of Ithaca otherwise known as Cornell’s retarded next door neighbor. I would know, I attended Ithaca College myself, but I studied hard to get accepted into the distinguished Roy H. Park School of Communications. So, I could rip a big hit of strong outdoor and manage not to stutter every other 2 seconds. My point is back when my younger brother and I were spoiled, self-indulgent, burnout degenerates, there wasn’t a sibling rivalry of much substance to toxify our relationship any more than the drugs we were destroying our brains with already. What used to bother me before my 3 kids was born, was my younger brother making me feel like inferior company to his countless girlfriends and boys he partied with. It bothered me because I never asked to hang out with them, I had my own crew. Girlfriends would have to wait a bit later till a summer wind in Cape Cod. When I no longer had to whack it till my fingers bled, it was the summer of 95.

 

I always resented the idea of my younger brother acting as if he operated on a cooler plane of existence than me, knowing, he didn’t win the International Award during his Masada Teen Tour in Israel nor was he voted Grooviest by his Senior Year Book Staff, last time I checked either. An award, which I inspired into creation, because there’s no way blah breath Sharon Blonder, produced even close to the infinite joy my nickname chants of Bud Man, Bud Man, engendered to the entire senior slump slacking class at large.

 
My other source of resentment was my younger brother hitting puberty before I did. As a result, I’ve been stuck in a game of perpetual catch up in life ever since. I remember getting a book called 12 Stages of Puberty for Chanukah one year. I bemoan to my mom: Great gift mom, 12 stages of puberty. Can’t wait to confirm how behind schedule I already am. What’s the chapter about losing my virginity called, “Deep Impact?” Hey mom, did you consider, how demoralizing me getting this gift in front of my younger brother would be? Knowing, he got into the puberty party already. And can play with himself, whenever he wants. My mom replies. But you play with yourself all the time upstairs with your GI-Joe figures. If I played with my younger brother a kid it was over Nintendo games of Tecmo Bowl. He’d use the slant passing play with the Chicago Bears for an automatic 1st down every time, which bludgeoned the fun left in more primo brother bonding time soon after.

 

Big sister, Matilda and baby brother Art Show USA have a far deeper, infinitely more giving, loving relationship, free of any jaded, bile laced jealousy, enshrouded in most sibling rivalry relationships and I’m determined to keep it this way. They’ve been bunkmates for 2 years now. Matilda is the dream big Jewish sister I never had. She’s funny, sweet, wise beyond her years, super athletic but never too Tom Boyish, where she loses her effeminate wonderfulness all together. Picture Tatum O’Neil from the Bad News Bear cross bred with Punk Brewster. Is big sister Matilda into her Barbies a tad much for her younger brothers’ taste? Sure, but I was obsessed with my fantasy land with my epic GI-Joe, wood block constructed battles for the ages, so I get the infinite appeal in getting lost into imaginary playland. I’m still writing blogs for free at 42 with 3 kids to feed for Christ sake. Apparently, the apple doesn’t fall too far from the Daddy’s Long Leg’s Tree of creatively jacked life over here.

 

Sibling rivalries can be healthy, look at what the Manning brothers have accomplished. Till this day, the image of Peyton in the Skybox with his Hall of Fame Dad, Archie Manning, pumping his fist, cheering his baby bro on as he marched the G Men down field against the undefeated Pats to ultimately derail Brady’s perfect life/season still brings chills of good, good vibrations down my spine today. I want big sister Matilda to always be her younger brothers’ go to pumper upper, regardless if he ends up being commissioned as the futurist architect to build the second coming of Central Mark on Mars one day. I hear Elon Musk will be the 1st to move there, to avoid his clingy model girlfriend in San Francisco because maintaining long distance relationships from Mars is always a stretch. Ensuring genius doesn’t become toxic and ruin the one of a kind bond baby brother and big sister have won’t be a stretch if I continue to pound in their craniums the importance of building each other up versus constant belittling and tearing each other down. Matilda also had her 1st grade teacher admitted to wanting clones of future students molded in her honor. So, her ego isn’t down in the dumps with her winter bouquet creation bust just yet.

 

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Stay At Home Dads Can Be Trophy Wives

Stay At Home Dads can be trophy wives without leaning on our wives for startup money to flip homes and spend anymore time with our retired contractor dads than we have to.

Daughter
Is your book going to look like this?
Buzz Kill Wife
Put the book back where it belongs my sweet.
Me
Sound more like your buzz kill blob mother babe.
Good to know you haven’t stopped believing though.

Bezos
Alexa, should I divorce my wife MacKenzie?
Alexa
Is she still modeling for Bud Light commercials?
Bezos
Those commercials were in the late eighties.
Alexa
Fine, then seek out tighter, new filling.
Leave me out of it already Micky.

Darth Vader is the Draymond Green of Jedi Knights. Instead of going toe to toe in a Light Saber match with Luke, Darth Vader hurls flying Death Star debris to throw Luke off his game instead. How low can you go Darth?

You know you’re wife doesn’t care about being a sexual object of desire anymore when she chooses to pluck her blond face hairs, bent over, out in the open in broad daylight. Knowing I can catch in her the act every time.

I love how every NBA Broadcaster under 40 feels compelled to be Lebron’s ego guardian protector like it’s some noble undertaking. He’s Obama with talent. Who only now made his school contributions public. Who was never as dominant as MJ, yay!

Lebron James would beat MJ in one on one because he moves better latterly is the weakest argument ever. Granted, he’s got plenty of experience getting out of the way for other superstars to close the deal for him.

I don’t even know why Scottie Pippen gives a measured response in relation to Lebron being the greatest. Well, MJ never had to compete against Lebron? Yeah, he had to enforce his will on Bird, Magic and the body slamming Bad Boys of Detroit player.

Caravan already sounds more dated than Lizard King, I can do anything. But keep fit in a 34 waist past Waiting for the Sun.

Daughter
Samuel is your new favorite.
Stay At Home Comedian
Just because Chef Samuels slays your fear of eating Tofu again after he fires up Tofu the Terrible with XO peanut oil. We call can’t be Pescatarian Heroes Matilda.

Anyone who wants to work can get a job in Trump’s economy. Exit packages from my stay at home dad stint with the possibility of zero parole on the horizon are flying out of my ass as we speak. Happy the economy is no longer anemic but chill people.

Anyone who wants to work can get a job in Trump’s economy. Sounds more presumptuous than recommended writer on the rise on my resume, with no agents or paying gigs in sight yet. Or maybe, I’m just being a paranoid, shadowbanned Jew about it.

 

Me sabotaging an interview for a blogger job at Infowars.
I’m a soy boy. Who says stay at home dads can’t be trophy wives to? I’m a soy boy. I never grew up. I’m a soy boy. I have no idea who the Eagles traded for Sean McCoy. I’m a soy boy. You will hire one, yes you will. And we can thumb wrestle all the time.

The End,

By,

Michael Kornbluth

What Happens to Stay At Home Comedian?

He scores a lit agent and a big time publishing deal for his follow up smash hit book, Birth of a Pescatarian Comedian, Family Meals Reviews one rant at a time.

He celebrates by taking his daughter skating in Wollman Rink in Central Park this winter before they nosh on primo high end smoked salmon tea Sandwiches at Tavern on the Green soon after. Giving his daughter a taste of the big time for a change.

He helps co-write a book with the 11 year winner of Shark Tank, Jack Bonneau about financial literacy for aspiring young entrepreneurs deciding to be their own best role models called, Trillionaire Baby. And Betsy Devos makes it mandatory reading for all US high school students graduating the 6th grade.  Opener reads. 7 year old daughter asks me. Daddy, how many zeros are in a trillion? Daddy, do you really have to Google that? Daddy, are you financially illiterate? Is this why you call yourself a degenerate Jew? Dad replies. I did have to partner with a 12 year old with enough profit making prowess and working financial credit to write a book on the subject kiddo.  I only wish my Math SAT scores were sealed like Obama’s college records.

He takes his family to Copenhagen next summer for a book signing tour, becoming the funniest, most outrageous, spokesperson for the wonders of attachment parenting and how working remote in addition to controlling our kids through comedy can make our kids great again.

He buys his son Arthur Morrison Kornbluth his own guitar already and befriends a guitar teacher. And write a book together about the greatest guitar shredder history teacher of all time. Who wants to make guitar shredding pop metal sheik fly high with the angels for old times sake.

He renews his vows to his wife, Natalia Anna Duffy, but writes them on his own this time. Obviously, only being in charge of the wedding playlist 7 years ago was his only capable contribution.

He buys his wife the wedding ring based on his own earnings, not his parents because his wife Natalia, future Boob Doctor, Lactation Consultant for the stars deserves to be showered with love for her endless investment post three children in his funny man writing paying huge dividends already.

He starts hosting his family meal review cooking show Double Talk With Chef Samuels, his Gerber baby incarnate 2 year old son on YouTube, scoring Ninja blender as their 1st major sponsor in the process.

He takes his Do It All Dad Year podcast to new heights by becoming a medium for dead famous dads, conveying their must hear messages, resolving unfinished business for tremendous, hilarious, moving impact.

He writes a thank you letter for every sales manager who ever fired him,

He flies out to LA to celebrate with his best bud Jay, who always believed in him making it, despite coming home from work, watching him tell a bomb show of joke stabs in front of the mirror again and again.

He goes on Tucker Carlson to shower love on Barnes Noble and his publisher Harper Collins for keeping freedom of speech alive and for not shadow banning him yet.

He goes on Howard Stern and makes fun of Howard for paying his writers shit.

He goes on the Joe Rogan Podcast and get’s stoned for old time sake because he’s really earned it this time around.

He appears on InfoWars and says Joan lives after every punchline he delivers.

He appears on the Russell Brand podcast and suggests they do a movie together about getting banned from England and pissing off the royal family royally.

He performs at the White House Correspondents Dinner in 2020 as a 2 time best selling author. And does 20 minutes on Michelle Wolf and Raggedy Ann go to a bar material alone.

He get’s out the house more than usual to take his old friend Chaim out to lunch in Manhattan for encouraging him to do a podcast which lead the launch of his successful author career.

He reconnects with his old high school friend Ari who told him to keep writing on top of saying, you can be great.

He takes out his copywriting teacher at Media Bistro in Manhattan for pushing him to write a pilot for Amazon which lead to his TV writing break at VH1 Classic in Manhattan for America’s Hard 100.

He takes his dad out in Arizona for a round of golf on his dime for a change. Mom asks: Why are you acting like such a big deal all of a sudden son? Stay At Home Comedian replies: You wouldn’t be interested. Mom says: Why not? Stay At Home Comedian responds. Remember, the letter you sent me stating, to never expect you to show any interest in my writing career as an unemployed comedian/father of 3? Silence ensues. Yeah, like I said, you wouldn’t be interested.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth