Off The List Museums

Taking down the Teddy Rosevelt statue outside the Museum of Natural History is bad enough, especially knowing how I named my 3rd child Samuel Teddy Kornbluth. Now, Kyrie Irving can play home games at the Barclay’s Center, but I can’t take my kids to the Met without them sporting a Monet mask on either.

Cump Dumpster Queens like Cardi B can teach kids about making facials great again as a form of money shot birth control to a bunch of 2nd graders at Bronx Science, since they loosened their admission standards for rap ho guest speakers to. But let’s mask up our kids on class trips like Michael Jackson’s kids on holiday in Bahrain till their voices crack under their ball gag muzzles made in China, because the CDC, FDA, WHO, and Hunter’s Art Dealer in Wuhan, already painted COVID as the scariest virus imaginable on par with entry into the Dalla’s Buyer’s Club while smashing their age of innocence into ancient ruins. So, at this point, what difference does it make? Hillary Hammer Time Cankles strikes again, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Sacred Cow Cooking

Wife had a Hillary Clinton spotting during lunch recently with my son. Wife says, “Hillary was nice. She smiled at baby.” I said, “Of course Hillary smiled at baby. Hillary was getting warmed up for dessert.”

Emotionally Compelling Situation:

A Coroner who gives an honest toxicology report about fake news media manipulation for a change. Let’s call the book, “The Coroner Conspiracy Theorist.” Soon after, the Funeral Director calls in Zombie backup once the Deep State sends in hit men silencers to prevent the COVID clot shot expose otherwise.

Emotionally Compelling Situation part II.

A Supreme Court Justice nominee receives a thank you note from a convicted sex offender for being soft on pedophilia. “Thanks for the Pete Townsend, just doing opposition research defense for a song about the proliferation of kiddie porn today called, “Cherry Picking Private Parts, It’s So Easy, Easy, When Everyone Under 10 Years of Age Is Out to Please Me Baby.”

Emotionally Compelling Situation part III.

A big brother asks for his wedding gift back after his ex-wife already pawned off her engagement ring. Big bro calls, “Hey bro, with my 46th birthday around the corner, I was thinking you could regift my Nintendo wedding gift, especially those added games like Pro Wrestling and Double Dribble knowing how your marriage lasted longer than Knick playoff runs during the Carmelo Anthony era. Who should be the co-spokesperson with Westbrook for Tampax Tampons because name another offensive duo responsible for stopping so much flowage. Little bro asks, “Why would I do that?” I say, “Because it would be a gift for all 3 kids and when you add up their ages 8, 11 and 5 and your 23 gifts behind. And you’ll be off the hook for 23 more years, when they won’t expect you to be another uncle to be uninvolved with anymore.”

Emotionally Compelling Situation Part IIII:

How does an autistic pastry chef/activist/models bring an autistic perspective to the BLM movement? Does he count all the ways BLM leaders burned their credibility through charges of tax evasion while blowtorching tops on rows of Creme Brulees?

Just read about an all-girl Muslim prom in Detroit. So, their prom was like mine, pork free.

Minneapolis Mosques are allowed to blast the call to prayer on outdoor speakers all year around now. I didn’t realize they were struggling to amplify their cries of Islamophobia despite averaging 5 shoutouts a day of Allah Akbar already.

Fuck your Pandemic talk. The real pandemic is the vax shot which depresses your immune system more than entry into the Dallas Buyers Club.

1 kid only means your diaphragm is for walls after all.

Why does Planned Parenthood need a 20 million donation from Jeff Bezos’s ex -wife? Planned Parenthood only made 184 million in revenue after teaming up with Gate’s ex-wife to fight off the surge in global warming by selling their own brand of umbilical chard stump smoothies, while rebranding them as Century Club Elixers in honor of Bill and Fauci. In other words, year of the Four Eyed Snakes, Challah. Cooking Sacred Cows rule. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Trucking To Zion

“Daddy, Jews for Mormonism doesn’t make any sense. So why are you converting to Mormonism again? Is it because you hate your people since you got fired from your intern blogger position for The Times of Israel for insisting China has resisted Wuhan lab investigations more than AquaFresh?, Little Samuel says. Do It All Dad takes his right hand off the steering wheel of his giant rig renamed Misinformation Machine and rubs his son’s head and says, “Your mother has a younger brother in Utah who’s a high ranking, Generation Z preacher of the Mormon Church, who with a little convincing, can grant me a religious exemption for the COVID vaccination after I convert. Then, I won’t have to worry about the fake news vaccine shot killing me more than the prospect of receiving a career consultation from LinkedIn ever again, my chest. This is an impersonation of Dr. Dre telling Eminem about Microsoft paying 4.5 billion for LinkedIn. Eminem says,” Worrddddddddd, LinkedIn, is lamer than ever yoh!” Thank God, I trusted my gut, cut myself off from Mimi and Papa and got my trucker License instead.”

Little Samuel says, “I’ll always be on your team to make more comedy records daddy, because more comedy records for you is more comedy records for me, moron Son. When will you record comedy record 91, putzy moron butt carrots?” You’re taking forever already. Mama wouldn’t want you to put the brakes on your comedian career on my behalf, not that it hasn’t stopped you before, but you get the gist Boozy Beer Daddy.” Do It All Dad gets a tad misty, overwhelmed with a surge of heart aching emotion and says, “Her dreamy blond looks live through you kid, which should help bolster our case when we ask her Mormon brother Blair Rittenhouse Square The 3rd to give us that religious exemption after he converts me to Mormonism. How can you not get big love in Utah kid? One time, a MILF bum rushed you at the supermarket when you were only 2 and says, “When you get older, you’ll have 3 girlfriends to juggle.” And I said, “If James Woods had this kid’s face, your estimates wouldn’t be so conservative.”

Little Samuel says, “Do most mommies die of heart attacks at 42 Daddy?” Do It All Dad says, “Not unless they’re employed by the WWE kid. Mama died from the COVID clot shot and she didn’t have the strained heart I had from all the cocaine I did in my twenties throughout my thirties, only hearing last call from the bathroom stall while yelling, “Where’s Hunter?” Who is else is going to pay for this shit? Shit, we’re running low on gas. You know the routine Samuel. Money equals freedom and we can’t make it to Utah if we don’t sell some bumper stickers fast. The GPS says there’s a Shell station in 1.2 miles, we should have enough to make it. Still not banking on Obama Be Good lickers like Dave Chapelle getting his cousins Trump voiced GPS systems for Kwanza. On your far left, is Mohegan Sun, Elizabeth Warren’s home away from home. Now, grab the COVID Damage Done bumper stickers and get ready to sell with divine powered authority like Kevin Hart’s agent in convincing Universal Studio’s anyone who calls him a poor man’s Eddie isn’t a jealous hater, just a short on laughs spectator.”

Little Samuel approaches a Karen type going to the bathroom at the Shell station and says, “Hi, can I interest you in a bumper sticker to support the Freedom Trucker Convoy, called COVID Damage Done?” Karen says, “Is that supposed to be a stupid Neil Young reference kid?” As far as I’m concerned you can’t vaccinate kids young enough. Thank God New York state doesn’t allow you to attend Pre-K without wearing a mask on. Wear the damn mask kid, they still work. Do It All Dad interjects, “Hey Karen, why don’t you suck the hate speech and white privilege out of my chosen person schlong first. Consider it elongated love. Pretend Justin Trudeau ordered you to leak it.” A group of truckers overhear the commotion and crack up in unison. One of the truckers raises his voice among the deafening shriek of laughter and says, “I’ll take 100 bumper stickers kid.”

Do It All Dad and Little Samuel arrive at Zion National Park to have a moment with God before plowing forward with the Do It All Dad Does Mormonism pitch to his dead wife’s brother preacher. Do It All Dad says, “God, I’m half a fag, so the polygamy thing isn’t that much a driving force behind my decision to forsake my Jewish side for Mormonism. Plus, most Mormons voted for Mitt Romney, so their judge of good character is questionable at best. The exalted, all-knowing Mitt called Trump the Anti-Christ for Christ’s sake. But in the Bible part 2, Jesus returns from heaven to defeat the Anti-Christ. So have some faith, in the Jesus comeback story, won’t you, people?” Little Samuel says, “Does this mean you’re not converting to Mormonism now Dad?” Do It All Dads beams with divine powered light and says, “Looks like it doesn’t kid. How many bumper stickers do we have left?” Samuel says, “We got 52” and one hardcore hilarious joker.” Do It All Dad says, “That should be enough gas money to get us to Vegas. There’s a new Stand-Up Comedy Festival there called, “Seriously Clowning”, the winning comedian gets 25 grand and a co-hosting audition for the Russell Brand’s podcast. I’ll take those odds kid.” Little Samuel looks up to his cherished, Dear Dada and says “You’re going to kill them Daddy, you’re going to kill them. Don’t forget to open with your bit about me confusing Grandma for Kurt Cobain on the TV, which isn’t the most flattering look.” Do It All Dad says, “Nirvana didn’t kill Hair Metal, Aids did, before Magic Made HIV disappear. Courtney Love is Mia Farrow with better husband selection. If Kurt Cobain killed himself at the height of his popularity, then Woody Allen just got book advance from Random House on a book about hands off parenting called Crimes and Misdemeanors, The Early Years. I miss Trump’s relentless optimism and over the top salesmanship. If Trump was stabbed with the deep state needle used to take out Easy E, he’d tweet the next morning on whatever hate speech platform he’s allowed to rumble on next, “Do I have HIV? Yes, but my t-cell count numbers have never been stronger. Can I get a holla for some Challah? Mongoloid Moron lives, running on schtick till the end of the time and I feel fine, Challah. Thank you very much.”

Michel Kornbluth

The Reiki Touch

Why is Reiki Therapy the best Balancing Rock Therapist you never had?

  1. You’re not being force fed meds to artificially manufacture positive energy flow used to help relieve both physical and mental pain plaguing you.
  2. Lying face down on a Reiki Healing Table is a less stressful inducing experience compared to sinking into a couch as your Social Worker Counselor/Hate Speech Therapist nods in drab, emotionless detachment again and again.
  3. Reiki Therapy Masters help you heal from physical and psychological damage through the use of purposeful placed touch and incorporation of positive driven thought, laced with good hued intentions bound to unleash endless waves of good, good, vibrations.
  4. Once your energy channels become open, they become open permanently. So ultimately, Reiki Therapy offers a negative energy blockage releaser guarantee.
  5. Reiki Therapy helps you heal psychic wounds such as childhood neglect through freeing your body and soul from the suffocating clasp of damning dark negativity that desperately tries to infiltrate worry and doubt toward every positive attempt at change you make. Or maybe, I’m making Reiki Therapy too much about my mother again.
  6.  Reiki Therapy helps flush out negative downer energy with electric charged, light filled magnetism. Consider Reiki energy, an oil change for the soul, without any unforeseen added costs attached. Sometimes, there’s no substitute for the Reiki stressor reliever touch.
  7. Nobody likes to feel tied down to brooding cycles of negativity laced, buzz kill energy. So, give Reiki healing therapy a chance to unleash your most vibrant, dynamic, forceful self that screams booya-tribe, I’m back. But don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been kick ass awesome for years. I just needed to open my channels of light filled energy again through a little help from my Reiki Master healer friend.

Michael Kornbluth