Tag: fiction

What’s Eating Gilbert  

by doitalldadyear, posted in business, sports, writing

NBA sharpshooter Gilbert Arenas claims nobody will care if Jokic wins an NBA championship.


Isn’t our country plagued with a white supremacy problem?


I thought all Christian conservatives who prefer pristine southern belle puss over stank hole anus holes were deemed worse than Nazi Kraut breaths tweaked on Crystal Meth.


If America does have a white supremacy problem, then shouldn’t the white Serbian nationalist winning an NBA ring be a cause for widespread jubilee?


Jokic’s new celebrity line of Raspberry Vodka from Serbia puts Puff Daddy’s Ciroc out of business.


Proud boys in Denver are sweating proposed rule changes like an extended three-point line less than BLM does getting audited.


Serbian Big Lives Matter gets painted in giant, bold print along Fifth Avenue outside Trump Tower.


Elon Musk blows more government grant money to patent a brain chip based on Jokic’s DNA that’s embedded with a basketball IQ boost guarantee.


Phones at Alt-right dirt rags like Daily Caller ring off the hook with requests for full-page ad spreads by anonymous eugenics enthusiasts to congratulate Jokic for breaking Wilt the Stilt’s triple-double streak with headlines like “Big Dipper Rating Dropping,” “White Men Dominate Again,” “Serbian Legends Live,” “Safe Space For Lebron’s James Ego Is Dead.’


Seattle Supersonics fans from Gen X still into Pearl Jam after they pimped for Hair Plugs Sniffer on the campaign trail throw their decrepit, older than Aids flannel shirts in the air in a deflated state of resignation to acknowledge the new big dog in town while bemoaning, “I know it, King of the Persecution Complex knows it, Eddie Vedder knows it too, in a post-Jordan rules universe, the NBA can’t find a better man.”

Interesting NBA fact, 4-time All-Star Tom Chambers, who scored 20,000 career points, is not in the Basketball Hall of Fame: white privilege my ass.

Caring about whitey again, Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Lake On Fire

by doitalldadyear, posted in entertainment, politics, sports

Kari Lake should be picked as the speaker for Howard University’s graduation ceremony if she becomes Vice President in 2024.


Kamala Harris wanted to be here.


But she pooped out after playing kick the can with her clit in St. Barts.


Eminem called Trump the new Hitler.


But when Trump bought Mar-A- Lago, he lifted the ban on Jewish membership, Slim on Facts Shady.


Remember when Kevin Hart backed out of hosting the Academy Awards over a homophobic tweet?


Did the Hip Hop Gay Mafia get under his skin too?


Did Kevin Hart wake up next to Little Nas holding the dirty Aids needle that the Deep State used to take out Easy E?

What I love about President Trump is his relentless optimism and over the top salesmanship.

If President Trump got pricked with the same dirty needle used to take out Easy E.

The President would tweet on Truth Social the following morning.

“Do I have full blown Aids? Yes, but my T-Cell Count numbers have never been stronger?”

But Robert Kennedy as our new Secretary of State nudged me to allow Dr. Gnocchi to be eaten alive by Michael Vicks prized fight dogs, so it’s all good. MAGA glory lives, Challah, thank you very much.


But back to Kevin Hart. I’m not a Kevin Hart hater, just a short-on-laughs audience member at the BET Awards.


Nicki Minaj and I are tight, alright.


Nicki agrees.


The COVID vaccination shot works less than Russell Westbrook running the Triangle offense.


Now, Melo is officially retired.


I want him to get hired as the news spokesperson for Tampax Tampons.


Name another player besides Westbrook, whose been responsible for stopping so much flowage.


We overcame election fraud this time because Hair Plugs Sniffer caused World War 3 with Russia.


500 zillion later, you’d think Zelensky could afford a new shirt.


Now, I know why they call them army fatigues.


If White Supremacy is the biggest terrorist threat in America, then Whoopie Goldberg is the new Chief Happiness Officer for Breitbart.


All the deep state sleaze that overthrew the will of our people, are white. But they were no match for Hershel Walker after Trump elected him as Attorney General.


The Georgian Bulldog knocks off their heads one by one in the 1st ever-televised MMA match outside the White House.

How many crunches do you think Joy Behar can do? Before she pukes out an unhuggable cunt alien in The Day Democracy Died.


Dana White wanted to call the event “Rumble In The Rose Garden.” But at this point, President Trump was done beating around the bush. That’s Louie’s job. So, President Trump named the one-night-only event “Hershel Walker vs. the Swamp Thing State.”

The pay-per-view event paid off our national debut and got our economy roaring again, ushering in a new era of energy independence because fracking is good, Lisa Simpson. Fracking reduces our C2 emissions. So, yes, Neil Young is full of shit too. Besides, our country’s addiction to Mountain Dew and Crystal Meth offsets our country’s low birth rates after the COVID vax did.

God bless Howard University and Puffy Daddy for making Biggie blow up bigger than Hillary after stress-eating herself to death in Gitmo like Pizza The Hut.

The USA has got its mojo back, Jimi Hendrix lives, Challah; thank you very much.

A hologram of Jimi Hendrix appears in front of a purple, red, white and blue because Jimi would want it that way, as the Star-Spangled Banner plays from Woodstock as we fade out, USA, USA, USA!

Michael Kornbluth

Chosen Clutch Ones

by doitalldadyear, posted in business, entertainment, sports

I love my new Air Jordans. They’re called 6 Rings. Lebron calls them. Wind beneath my Arch Angel Wings. What? According to Snopes Knows Best, Arch Angels are the second lowest rank of angels, after MJ, Larry Bird, and Magic. You don’t believe me, King of the Persecution Complex? Snopes Knows Best is a well-regarded fact-checking website, according to MAGA-hating Alexa. Snopes Knows Best debunks urban legends like you being the one most like Michael. Dunking at your son’s high school basketball games during warm-ups isn’t equal to Nate the Great skying over Dwight Howard in a Superman cape champ.

Stop pouting, King. I know you want to call Jokic a white Serbian nationalist worse than calling Anthony Davis softer than the Grand Dragon’s new pillowcase thread count after getting a gift certificate for his birthday on Overstock.com.

Jokic taunting you in your dreams as the fake news chose one who just got swept in the Western Conference Finals is a terrifying thought to contemplate in a post-thug’s lives matters most universe; I get it.

But if you’re serious about getting bumped up to Jesus Shuttlesworth’s status in He Got Game. Then, rely on something other than a Hall of Fame sharpshooter to bail you out for the NBA finals game. Instead, win three more rings to be spoken in the same breath as Choke Free Jordan, champ. But oddsmakers leftover from Tony Soprano’s crew, since Jimmy the Greek’s extended family went into the Gender Fluid Greek Spa tour business, are betting against you flying high among choke-free angels of yesteryear like Mike if you think teaming up with your son Brony Bonbons from Bel Air will get the job done. Didn’t his school Sierra Canyon High School, lose to Harvard West Lake, where Jason Segel from How I Met Your Mother used to be considered a low post-threat?

Larry Bird beat Magic on a team that had Worthy and Kareem on it with a broken back. Magic Johnson never took flopping lessons from Lena Dunham, rocking the arm flapper look on Instagram, while getting into character for the Hunchback of Bushwick during Restaurant Week.

Higher ranking angels like MJ, Bird, and Magic were consistently choke-free, which you can’t claim based on your shooting percentages in 4th quarter games against the white Serbian nationalist alone.

Make HIV disappear like Magic without access to his top-secret Truvada stash and you’ll achieve higher ranking angel status in my book, United We Laugh, I prove it every day.

Chosen Clutch Ones live, Challah thank you very much. 

Michael Kornbluth

Hell’s Gate Lives

by doitalldadyear, posted in Parenting, politics, storytelling

According to the Koran, Buraq is the winged horse that flew the honorable prophet Muhammad into Heaven after ascending past the steps of Mount Sinai. Did the ghost of Moses give the winged horse a lift on his magic carpet, signed by the Steve Miller Band?

In Farsi, Buraq also means “blessed”, with conquering the curse of white man’s disease, which is why Obama is a fake news blessed one, because I’ve never seen him slam anything, except alt-right dirt rags like Breitbart, that dared to point out how his social security card is from Connecticut, which is whiter than White Man’s Disease.

When Obama talks about race, everything changes. Then, why hasn’t Obama Be Good talked Netflix into making a black remake of Caddyshack yet? Biden plays the Van Wilder of Lifeguards. Hunter plays the burnout Groundskeeper who has found Zen in blow painting. Obama snorts up Chevy’s stash of white privilege and writes it off as a master’s estate tax. The My Pillow guy plays Rodney because Jackie Mason is too overtly annoying Jewy for Obama’s tastes. The My Pillow guy dies after Obama orders John Fetterman to smother him out with an oversized hoodie in exchange for a free Slurpee card from 711 for life. The movie ends with Obama running a go-cart over John Kerry’s bare feet on the back nine, playing golf with Matthew McConaughey. Obama yells, “I know; watch the pedicure, man. John is playing footsie with Saudi royals since his wife cut his weekly allowance in half for losing a kite surfing match to Fetterman; the only thing that moves slower than Fetterman is John Durham. So, I was born in Hell’s Gate in Keyna; what will you do about it America? MAGA country is dumb for thinking Bruce Springsteen will ever stop kissing my ass. But in Kenya, they know better than my kiss ass team at MSNBC. Gates tried putting me on a 500-dollar bill in Kenya, but the government declined. I’m so not money, and my fellow Kenyans know it.”

Hell’s Gate lives with a swingers twist, challah, thank you very much.

What’s the least politically incorrect reply to learning that someone you knew was friends with a pedophile?

Don’t act so surprised. Isn’t he a registered Democrat?

Who supports illegal entry no matter the cost.

And supporting open borders is supporting getaway rape speed, andele, andele, arriba, arriba.

Hair Plugs Sniffer in the White House is the demented, perverted umpire waiving all of MS-13 to steal home.

Only Frank Drummond from Police Squad would call them safe in an attempt to save the Queen.


But the Old G Queen is deader than claims of Prince Harry trying to kill himself over mental health issues.

Scruffy Archie hasn’t shaved in years.

Hell’s Gates lives, Challah, thank you very much.


Michael Kornbluth

Jewish Jesus Lives

by doitalldadyear, posted in fiction, humor, writing

Zelensky crashed a Saudi hosted Arab summit, claiming, “You can’t turn a blind eye to Russian aggression. They jail our journalists for speaking the truth, and that’s my job. And with all due respect, Prince Mohammed, our bio lab R&D budgets to work on new weapons of mass destruction don’t pay themselves. With your support, I can draft Orthodox Jews, who refuse to fight for Israel because they’re a bunch of pushover pinko pussies. I’ll make them fight for us. I’ll throw in some free agent Russian hookers who Hunter has on speed dial to sweeten the deal. Besides, The Ukraine is the new Israel, haven’t you heard? Jewish Jesus lives, Challah. Thank you very much. 

Saudi Prince says, “Aren’t you the guy who plays the piano with his penis, schmeckle spot? But calling yourself Jewish after getting your kids baptized is a stretch like Hillary Hammertime Cankles claiming how half of her deleted emails were yoga related. Contemplate a divorcation from your power naps on Gucci dufflebags of cash in St. Barts and will talk. Or I’ll unmask your okayness with Hair Plugs Sniffer ordering the bombing of the Nordstream Pipelines because cheap natural gas powering the Mercedes Benz factories in Kraut breath Germany matter. Filling up my wife’s Mercedes Benz SUV shouldn’t cost more than burka cleaning bills in Allah’s hymen hacking paradise. Jewish Jesus would get crucified again if he supported this criminal administration’s premeditated effort to kill off our energy independence. It’s like the Big Guy hogging up all of Hunter’s adderall for himself after giving up blow for blow painting allegedly, after getting paid 52 grand a week by a Ukrainian sports drink energy company, to push chilled borscht as the new Kombucha. So stop acting like the second coming of Jewish Jesus, squinty. You’re not bumping elbows with the needy unless Andy Dick elbows you out of the way to snarf up your last line of blow.”

Jewish Jesus lives, how else can you forgive this neverending shit show? Jewish Jesus lives, Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Roasting ANTIFA Again

by doitalldadyear, posted in poetry, politics, writing

How do Antifa foot soldiers for the DNC show love for Mom on Mother’s Day?


Take out the trash and move out of the house for good.


Yesterday I told my son. “Freedom of speech has its limitations. For example, you can get arrested for yelling fire in a crowded theater.”


Son says, “What if there’s only one person in the theater?”


I finish laughing and say, “And that one person is Christopher Wray in the FBI screening room jerking off with a handful of Paul Mitchell Mousse doing his best Beavis and Butthead impersonation yelling, “Fire, fire” while watching a mockumentary about ANTIFA written by Stephen King and Patton Oswalt called Fire Childs Gone Wild. Now that’s an idea.”


Fire Childs Gone Wild, Challah, thank you very much.


But diversity is our strength.


Or the latest hurler for Antifa wouldn’t require Tommy John Surgery next time he hurls a concrete milkshake at a journalist with a byline in the National Review.


Fire Childs Gone Wild, Challah, thank you very much.


Michael Kornbluth

Intensely Doable

by doitalldadyear, posted in comedy, entertainment, humor

If Nike wanted to help the Black Lives Matter Movement.

They’d make a new ad campaign message that said, “Just Stop Resisting Arrest”. Hashtag, Thug Lives Matter most, not so much, which is intensely doable if Charles Barkley is doing it. Intensely doable BLM jokes live, before I’m permanently canceled next time I do that joke at the Post Office, Challah, thank you very much.

Is your mom’s mood ring, pissy yelllow passive aggressive like mine?

Intensely doable mood ring jokes live because I’m written out of the will anyway. So what difference does it make? Hillary Hammertime Cankles strikes again, Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Unplanned Fatherhood Yucks

by doitalldadyear, posted in blogging, entertainment, family

What’s the best thing about unplanned fatherhood, 3 kids later?

Drinking alone is no longer an issue.

I gave up drinking beer last summer during my year without beer. Because beer bellies give self love a bad name

Plus, it was humiliating to spend so much time in front of my kids, hungover, recycling, endless reminders of my hopoliscous past as entire Rocky marathons on AMC passed me by.

I quit edibles too because they’d kick in after I thought my daughter was asleep already.

And whatever buzzy calm I felt went poof once my daughter would ask, “What do you do after tucking me in?” Finally, I snap and say, “I squeeze in 2 minutes of me too time alright.”

When my daughter was younger she’d ask hard questions to amswer after the edibles kicked in when I thought she was asleep already. She’d ask, “Daddy, if God created the universe, then who created God?” The best I could come up with was, “God went back in a time machine made by Elon Musk.” Daughter says, “Do more edibles Daddy. But thanks for making me an Atheist at 4.”

Did I mention how my 11 year old daughter has breat buds now? According to my wife, she’s the last person in class to get them. So I say, “Then, why haven’t yours sprouted yet?”

Now I’m going to do an impersonation of my daughter in fight prevention mode again. Pause Daddy, my mama got your point mid breath.

Unplanned fatherhood yucks, challah. Thank you very much.

I also quit taking adderall after writing like a Jewish angel on it for the past 12 years in my mind.

I quit adderall so I’d focus less on how ahead of the curve annoyomg my wife can be, especially after threatening to kick me out of the house if I gave our kids, the common cold through Covid. An itchy esophagus matters too.

All time most annoying line is, “I’ve sacrificed.” She acts like an aspiring comedian in his late thirties into third legged beauties.com wanted kids ever. The 0 percent waist fast doesn’t hurt.

Unplanned Fatherhood yucks, Challah, thank you very much.

And if hospitals were so overwhelmed at the height of Covid, how did Nurses have so much free time on their hands to work on their elaborate Tik Tok dance routines for their new Chinese master overlords to spy on from afar.

I calls my 2 sons Stud Alerts on the loose. I won’t send them to junior high unless they have a lawyer by their side at all times to hand out pre-poundage consent forms. They might be gayer than I am. One time, my youngest son asked his older brother to sit on his penis and I say, “Not Kosher baby, but that is a rock solid line to use on a busty vixen in a Russ Meyer remake of Busty Beauties or Topless Tudors.”

But my oldest son is the best slacker alert ever. He’ll say, “Daddy, no box jumps today.” I say, “I got food poisoning from the Halal Guys, long Covid and Aids through Zoom with Andy Dick.” And slacker alert son will fire back with, “Enough with the excuses daddy. You’re worse than Hillary.”

Unplanned fatherhood yucks, Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

AI Roasted

by doitalldadyear, posted in poetry, writing

Does AI have a hand in roasting coffee beans at Stumptown Coffee Roasters in Portlandia yet?

All hand roasted means is small batch stoner slow anyway.


AI writes tasting notes twice as fast too.

I’m not in love with the new espresso blend that combines beans from the Congo and Ghana nicknamed Musk & Gates Guinea Pigs.

I’m detecting notes of Lithium iron overload unlike the past Turbo Charged Brain Blend, that was dark and fruity like Little Nas on Fire Island.

AI Roasted, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Emotionally Compelling Situations 

by doitalldadyear, posted in business, fiction, writing

Roots Of My Wasabi Tears 

A Wasabi Salesman in Bergen, Norway, loses his heralded sense of taste.

DVD Phone Girl 

A phone sales rep for a porno studio in North Hollywood loses her sex talk fluency after getting talked into snuggling.

Tom Petty Girl 

A pothead waitress forgets to take the pill.

The Koshertarain Godfather

A shadow banned comedian puts an ad in the Wall Street Journal for a Koshertarian Godfather.

Headstart on Cancer

An estranged trust fund baby tells his dad about coming out as a stay at home she male comedian called Killerset Kornbluth who performs topless with a pink Brooks Brother tie on for his rapidly expanding fan base on Only Fans, which he’ll be promoting on Facebook before his potential Lung Cancer biopsy diagnosis.

Gum King Of New York 

A broke, stay-at-home dad reinvents himself as a pitch person for the QVC after going into business with his sponsor at AA.

Lust for Lita 

A stay-at-home dad gets busted by his wife for falling victim to a fishing scandal by a fake news Lita Ford.

Mitzvah Moves 

A just-fired IT Recruiter disrupts the job market for young adults with Down Syndrome by recruiting an army of door-to-door sales reps at the Special Olympics to sell his new hop-flavored gum Hop-O-Rama Chew. 

Michael Kornbluth