I’m moving on out to Russia. You don’t have to worry about Global Warming blather from the local news. Putin defending the use of fracking wouldn’t cause a pussy riot online either. Putin trolls Greta Thunberg and tweets, @GreatThunberg, Fracking actually reduces CO2 emissions. Furry Brow tweets back, “So Neil Young is full of shit now?” Putin showcases a flash of Trumpian wit and fires back with “Neil Young doesn’t take showers to reduce his carbon footprint. So that much, you share in common babe. Why doesn’t Global Warming scare me Greta? Because Al Gore’s speaker has considerably cooled.”
Russians can still take a joke. Trump has ties to Russia. Duh, what mail order bride owner doesn’t? Plus, like the great Russian novelists such as Fyodor Dostoevsky, I prefer my comedy like my coffee, dark and bitter.
Also, you know BLM wouldn’t be allowed to harass patrons dining al fresco in St. Petersburg while slurping up some more Caviar soup. Putin’s so tough, he could snap your neck by just staring at it topless on a horse in the country.
Like Honest Abe said, “I’d rather live in Russia than in a place that lives under the pretense of loving liberty”, the way America does today. But Biden wants our family members and neighbors to rat out Trump supporters over white supremacist concerns because we don’t live by the creed, In Fuck Face Fauci We Trust. Nor are we inclined to believe in objective science anymore, after learning how every past prominent scientist in this country decried the Wuhan lab leak has a conspiracy theory because they didn’t want to be branded as a fake news white supremacist like the rest.
Putin actually said the name of the unarmed, American veteran Ashley Babbitt who was shot in cold blood in the Capital Building after the Stop The Steal Rally, which is more than Trumpy Poo ever mustered the courage to do.
Putin poisons his political opponents. Well, that’s better than pushing a non FDA approved vaccine on your Trump hater supporters that’s leading to more complications than election fraud audit reveals in the great free state of Arizona.
Putin poisons his political opponents. Like doxing ICE agents, immigrants from El Salvador who speak to the NY Times about MS-13, or any moms on Facebook who dare to criticize critical race theory as race divisive bullshit is any different?
Putin poisons his political opponents. Big deal, the blowhard dullard hack would’ve gotten liver cancer at some point anyway. I bet you Putin doesn’t have a fuck up druggie son who creamed in his dead brother’s wife seconds after the cremation ensued. Plus, Putin would never allow the drug cartels from Mexico or communist killers from China to push more Fentanyl through our southern border, that’s killed more crackers in this country than Taylor Swift kicking it with Lena Dunham on Instagram.
Russian journalists today know more about nationalistic pride than terrorist siding pieces of shit liars at the NY times. Who shamelessly pushed golden showers tales about Trump and Russian hookers with less legs than Lieutenant Dan. Plus, no Russian Journalist would ever be dumb enough to believe Trump hired a couple of Russian Hookers to pee on each other at his hotel room in St. Petersburg because he’s a notorious Germaphobe. Especially knowing how Trump could hire a bunch of Ivanka lookalikes to pee on each other at his Trump International Hotel in Washington D.C, whenever he likes. I’m also positive Melania can talk dirty to him in Slovenian whenever, wherever, wearing nothing but a mink hat from Spies Like Us.
Hate filled leftist retards don’t exist in Russia and would never feel morally exalted over anybody by breathlessly slinging endless bullshit enshrouded lies about election interference by the Russians, that made Drago pop out of various voting booths in predominately blue states, issuing life or death ultimatums such as, “Vote Trump or I’ll break you. If you die, it’s your fault for not believing in Holograms.”
Russia would never allow the construction of a George Floyd statue to prove thug lives matter. Especially when 2 billion dollars worth of property damage, and thousands of businesses destroyed for 6 months straight was designed to scare the Supreme Court to ever rule in the favor of law and order ever again.
Last, Billy Joel is the 1st to crowd surf at a concert in Russia before Eddie Vedder ever did. I’m not saying you can’t find a better country than Russia. But America is light years from acheiving Nirvana ever again. Wake me whenever this neverending shit show ends.
I hate run-on sentence critics. It’s not my fault your slow and can’t keep up with my gender fluid flow.
Critical Race Theory is bullshit. Guaranteed money in the NBA, regardless of injury, is so oppressive.
The Muslim Sisterhood in congress don’t have an issue amplifying their voices in America either Jack.
Howard Beal was killed in the movie Network over lousy ratings. CNN’s worst nightmare come true.
British accents are unwelcome intrusive like Boris Johnson’s wife staring in my general direction.
Does Triple AAA offer ANTIFA roadblock assistance because the Proud Boys will do it free of charge?
Night screams mean you care about living. Or else you wouldn’t be afraid of dying before making it.
New York will come back, but everybody has left, except Free Palestine protestors and The Halal Guys.
Forcing kids to wear muzzles is wrong. Boris Johnson’s wife at the G-7 summit, not so much.
Jill Biden is a tacky, small town ho. Biden wears her panty hose when he can’t find his mask.
Masks are the new condoms only because I can’t cum in my wife wearing one either.
99 percent of people survive COVID yet Fuck Face Fauci, AKA, Dr. Gnocchi pushed endless lockdowns and triple masking of our kids while acting as if COVID depresses your immune system more than entry into the Dallas Buyers Club.
Hydroxychloroquine can increase your survival rate by 200 percent. What’s up with that study Doc?
Still, Dr. Fauci used his power to block the use of it. He’s Dr. Kevorkian in reverse.
Biden is donating thousands of free COVID vaccines to Africa like a poor man’s Bill Gates who can’t code for shit either.
Sanctuary cities is encouraged lawlessness on crack.
1 kid only means, your diaphragm is for walls after all.
I’m against unlimited immigration because I’m not a proud member of the rapist enablement party.
If calling Baby Face Omar, a Jihad loving runt cunt, makes me alt-right, then I’m alright with that.
Where were you when Fox stopped counting the ballots? Thanking God JFK didn’t die for nothing. Yeah, me to.
My mom texts me Happy Father’s Day on the wrong day. Her happiness for me knows no bounds.
Boris Johnson’s wife, woof, woof needs water breaks, not my son 2 minutes into basketball practice.
My wife wants me to get COVID to say, “You should’ve worn a mask going down on MAGA mom.”
Trump Won signs at MLB is my new favorite America pastime, after telling Lebron to go woke himself.
The Mueller Report court hearing proved what again? Mueller parts his hair with gritty, elbow grease.
Did Drago pop out of your voting booth and demand, “Vote Trump or I’ll break you.”
When the Statue of Liberty went dark. I bet DeBalsio forgot to pay the Con Ed Bill on time again.
I hate the term helping others unless you’re applying for a job that says help wanted.
Maintaining relationships is overrated among those who think Mr. Groper won by a hair alone.
My son is going to trade school to become a landscape artist. Because NYC will have to start from Ground Zero at this rate. Or he could become a furniture designer within his own private studio and avoid charges of sexual harassment because he’ll design his own state of the art safe space for jerking off. Or he could become programmer and work remote unlike those software engineers who were charged with sexual harassment pre-COVID, despite them leaving the impression that they were too busy banging out new code to hit on girls anyway. Plus, I thought only ugly girls went to coding boot camp. Also, don’t programmers wear those yenta breath noise canceling headphones at work for a reason. Last, the typical Pearl script command isn’t, “Massage my carpel tunnel ho.”
My daughter’s 4th grade teacher just made her classroom writer tutor. Parenting matters to.
The Foo Fighters are playing Madison Square Garden’s first big concert post pandemic on June 20th in front of 20 thousand fans, immune to catching an itchy esophagus or any semblance of taste throughout their everlong, edgeless lives.
But Dave Grohl is one of the good guys bro. He’s an accessory to murder. If Kurt Cobain killed himself, Woody Allen stands a shot at winning father of the year.
If Frank Sinatra is Ronan Farrow’s father, then why isn’t Woody sleeping next to Secretariat?
Courtney Love is Mia Farrow with better husband selection.
Can you a get a fake news fake vaccine ID in Times Square? Or does domestic terrorist money payments in bitcoin no longer apply?
What if a MAGA groupie flashed her tits at Dave Grohl from the front row, before throwing a secret stash of hydroxychloroquine on the stage? Would she be banned from MSG for inciting a riot against good drugs, that would’ve saved plenty a name?
They’re been more than 5000 reported deaths from the alleged miracle non FDA approved vaccine designed to keep you safe from the made in Wuhan virus, financed by US tax dollars, thanks to Fuck Face Fauci’s use of gain of function research, designed to get you more than rabies from Chinese Bats. What happens when that number reaches 100,000? Will the Who be invited to play next year at MSG if they promise not to play We Won’t Get Fooled Again? Or was that Pete Townsend’s alibi when he got caught clicking on firstname.lastname@example.org, in the name of opposition research for a song about Pizza Gate conspiracy theorists? Alex Jones lives. Thank you very much.
And if Michael Jackson were alive today Monique, how would he defend himself against his Neverland accusers? All the Beatles royalty points in the world can’t buy me love?
True Lincoln Log story, Google it, my great, great, great, Grandfather Austin
Gollaher saved his boyhood friend Abe Lincoln from drowning, which is the
greatest presidential save since JFK kept Marilyn warm for Bobby. But a young
Abe had his friend Austin to never tell a soul about saving him from drowning
till he died because the black man couldn’t know he was a worst swimmer than
Even Lincoln Logs are racist now. The Chief Play Officer of Hasbro declares, “Lincoln
Logs are racist. We’re naming them Obama Logs now. The Chief Marketing Officer
says, “But Obama grew up under a tent in Kenya, with dreams of building a Super
Mosque over the remains of Ground Zero. Kayne 2024 bitches.” Can I get a holla
for some Challah? Offended yet, then go woke yourself, holla, thank you very
Remember, when we took out the number 2 in charge of ISIS, and the Washington Post called
him a religious scholar. Yeah, and Joy Behar is the Chief Happiness Officer for
How does killing terrorists ring leaders make it easier for ISIS to recruit again?
As if ISIS would ever honor it’s non-compete agreement with Al Qaeda.
Plus, ISIS aren’t good recruiters in the 1st place. They just target other lonely
virgins who wish their phones blew up.
This is Corey Booker flirting with actress Rosario Dawson. Was it you or Chloe Sevigny
who died of Aids in that movie Kids? Just playing, in the end, that white bitch
didn’t feel so privileged after all.
I’m going to push my daughter into Lesbianism when she gets older. First, she
won’t get HPV, which leads to cervical cancer if left undetected. More
importantly, Lesbians don’t die of Aids because you can take a licking and keep on
I caught my son playing with his sisters Barbie dolls yesterday. I said,
“Make sure you triple wrap pecker wood with extra thick layers of seaweed,
before you take another deep dive into Polynesian Barbie.”
Banging my GI Joes together well past puberty is way gayer than playing with Barbie dolls,
I think. Especially, when I had Gung Ho manhandle Cobra Commander like his gimpy
bitch in Pulp Fiction.
One year for Hanukkah, my mom got me a book called the 12 Stages of Puberty. It was
a humiliating gift to receive because my younger brother of 3 years had already
hit puberty and banged the 3 hottest girls in his class, who I tried to jerk
off to at the time but couldn’t. I say, “Mom, why would you give a puberty
book in front of my younger brother? He can play with himself whenever he
wants.” Mom says, “But you do that all the time upstairs with your GI
Whenever I’m out in public with my 3 kids without my wife, I hear, “You’ve got your
hands full.” And I’ll say, “If my wife agrees to an open marriage with Katy Perry after my book The Great American Jew Novel scores me an agent already. Then, my hands will be full. Thank you.
What’s restrictive about voter ID again? Will Jews be denied access to voting booths only available in restricted country clubs down south? With less interest in swamp draining than entertaining golden shower parties with Golda Meir. Where even Palestinian Publicists for Hamas are allowed. Being a Palestinian Publicist for Hamas is brain draining work. Every other press release is, Jews are the dirty fighters, not us, and Fuck Billy Joel. We didn’t fire first. Holla, thank you very much.
Taiwan isn’t a country. I’m glad John Cena cleared that up. What I don’t understand is why Universal would cast him in The Fast and Furious? Amy Schumer moves more fluidly on a Pilates Matt, pregnant, with a slimy hack politician in the making. Who will make Chuck Schumer come off as gentile pleasant at the Costco cheese sample station for a change.
Plus, John Cena has less acting range than Jason Mewes or A Rod on Fox Sports pretending to be the Caramel Mocha version of fucking Roy Firestone. J Lo banged the shit of that stripper pole on Super Bowl Sunday, so Ben Affleck would drunk dial her again for old times sake. “Hey J Lo, it’s big ben. Why don’t you ditch A Rod and give us another shot babe? I’ve got some more screenplays in me to direct you in, enchilada buns. All A Rod has left in him is looking like a pussy bitch next to Big Papi on Fox Sports. That is when the balding Ralph Macchio on Steroids isn’t hocking his new line of foundation makeup for metrosexuals on Instagram like he’s pimping for the Guido Illuminati.
Joe Biden wants to preserve the soul of our Democracy less than Hunter wants to give up blow for blow painting.
Empathy is the fuel for Democracy. I didn’t know Dominion voting machines were programmed with empathetic intelligence to correct any voter fraud bugs embedded in their operating systems, my bad.
Empathy is the fuel for Democracy. Tell that to Trump’s Gulfstream on the last leg of the campaign trail Joe. Trump averaged 4 flub free speeches a today in front of thousands and the millions and millions online at home through YouTube. Your campaign rallies outside your basement couldn’t fill out the Little Mermaid’s clam shells.
Chris Rock says the worst thing about the made in Wuhan virus, designed to wipe out large swaths of life, kill off the small business owner and any veneer of fair elections ever happing again, is being a faceless nobody in a mask for a whole year. I thought Chris Rock and Mary J Blige were the only black people who lives in Montclair, New Jersey according to Chris?
Didn’t he get to work on FX when the entire country was shut down and forced to pretend they enjoyed remote learning for their kids? While Jeffrey Toobin at the New Yorker, forced every Zoom meeting forward to start with, “For all you perverted, Jeffrey Toobin degenerates, raise your hands up high, where I can see them.”
Chris Rock missed being noticed. You could’ve looted a Target with no mask on Chris without fearing any career hampering restrictions. But you’re cool with Lebron and company taking a knee for the National Anthem, because guaranteed money in the NBA is so oppressive. Now, cops are Ice Cube’s best friend, since they’ve been unmasked as neutered gimps in the face of peaceful protests, resembling Public Enemy videos come to life. Fuck the police actually takes on a loving Motown feel now, to show how much you appreciate them taking a knee, because they’ll be caught dead wearing Nike sweats till their grave no matter what. I’m positive a looter would’ve taken a time out from snagging more high definition TVs to ask for your autograph Chris, without sweating the tossed salad man on the horizon. Especially since bail was eliminated, proving blue balls for men in blue don’t matter, because it’s impossible to maintain sustained stiffage, when bad guys are being rereleased by the time Deblasio wraps up his 2nd set of 10 pound curls at the Park Slope Y.
If Chris Rock wants his name to pack real heat again, he should befriend the head of BLM who just scored a cushy new TV development holding deal with Warner Brothers. He could host a new reality show for big money like, Lifestyles Of Rich Bitch, BLM Activists, holla, thank you very much.
Voter ID is racist? Does Julio have to pass a new height requirement, I don’t know about?
Voter ID disproportionally targets brown Americans. You’d think stop and frisk was required at the voting booth for illegals to flash more than chromed out teeth.
How is voter ID racist against black Americans again? Sinking 80 percent of their free throws isn’t required.
Voter ID is racist against black guys. What if they’re able to shout out their vote to Alexa instead?
Voter ID is unamerican? How else can you tell MS13 apart?
Voter ID is an assault on our Democracy. No, biochemical warfare used by the Chinese to replace Trump with one of their commie-controlled cronies was an assault on our Democracy, you sellout commie cunts, Amy Barret included.
Amy Barret is Mia Farrow with better husband selection. Because of Amy Barret, we the people, means less than In Fauci We Trust.
And calling Amy Barrett a hands-off Supreme Court Justice is like calling Woody Allen a hands-off parent or choosing the open borders Pope to give a Ted Talk on how to micromanage pedophilia.
Voter ID should never be deemed unamerican, unless you’re ashamed to show proof of your American citizenship now, which is more than understandable since the day Democracy died. Because allowing election fraud to persist is spitting on vet’s graves and kicking Nazi Destroyers in the nuts, again and again.
We must expose the blatant election fraud perpetuated among the American people to ensure old glory shines it’s love light again from sea to shining sea. So the light of Lady Liberty’s eye doesn’t flicker out and die. Happy Memorial Day patriots, USA, USA, USA!
This is my 9-year-old daughter playing marriage counselor again. Enough daddy, mama got your point mid breath. Holla, thank you very much.
My wife is pushing me to see a therapist for my anger management issues. I suggested primal scream therapy. Wife says, “Don’t you do that on your podcast already?” I say, “How would you know? You’re only 460 episodes behind babe. Never mind your complete lack of interest in the 7 books I’ve written since our lucky number 3 was born. John Lennon wishes he was this productive during his stay-at-home dad years.” Holla, thank you very much.
Wife insists our 3 child Samuel, gets bored whenever he spends too much with her. I always knew he was a quick learner.
My son Samuel was bound to woo. He stops traffic at the Stop and Shop even after the prime rib sample station has closed. Random Italian grandmas consistently bum rush the kid and say, “You’re gorgeous. When you get older, you’ll have 3 girlfriends to juggle.” I’ll reply, “If James Woods had this face, your estimates wouldn’t be so conservative.”
All my fights with my wife revolve around me not making money off my comedy yet. Since I got kicked off Twitter, I can’t even write off a joke about the Chinese resisting Wuhan lab investigations more than Aquafresh as a charitable donation anymore. Holla, thank you very much.
Imagine John Lennon resenting Paul McCartney for shaming him into becoming a stay-at-home dad against his will. Paul McCartney did write Hey Jude in honor of John Lennon’s neglected son Julian, who Lennon didn’t spend much time with during the rise of Beatlemania. 2 seconds into a leisurely baby stroll through Central Park West with his 2nd kid Sean, John Lennon yells up at the sky, “Choke on a fucking Cucumber Scone Paul. Playing the role of stay-at-home dad, is no walk in the park mate. Even primal scream therapy has its limitations, like trying to snuggle off bad acid with Yoko whenever Dr. Leary drops by with more CIA made ACID again.” Holla, Thank you very much.
The Left says there is a rise in anti-Semitism and Islamophobia. Arabs chanting “Hitler was right” and “Allah is great” while beating up pushover Jews in the streets of New York, London, and Los Angeles, with the blunt ends of Palestinian flag poles while the cops do shit to protect them, doesn’t mirror the act of extending an olive branch in the hopes of giving peace another chance either. I don’t see these sparks of divinity inspiring observant Jews to skip Shabbat dinner at home in favor of going to a new oxygen bar opening in Astoria once the mask mandate is cleared in NY either.
Palestinians attacking Jews in the subway, asking random New Yorkers who’s Jewish, so they could beat the shit of them with the ends of Palestinian flag poles doesn’t inspire me to try out that authentic shawarma stand in Astoria, despite the elite Yelper claiming, “It’s worth getting your skull cap crushed into your cranium for it.” The elite yelper throws in a warning advisory label in her review to and says, “Just don’t call random Palestinians attacking Jews in broad daylight, Islamic supremacists, that’s a big no go zone area in Allah’s book. Bill Maher would concur. Because he knows Israel will never achieve a 2-state solution with Palestine if Hamas keeps fucking.” Holla, thank you very much.
I’m afraid to reveal the totality of my Mezuzah necklace on the subways in NY these days. That doesn’t make me Islamophobic. It just means I’m scared of getting pushed on to the subway track and having my white man’s disease preventing me from jumping back up to the subway platform in a NY minute in the nick of time. I can’t even do one legitimate pull up if my Do It All Dad Tree Trunk was riding on it. But I’m supposed to be overly confident in adrenaline alone to catapult me high enough to grab on to the subway platform before pulling myself up to safety like the Jewish Stallone in Cliffhanger? Yeah, and Rashida Talib is the Chief Happiness Officer for Breitbart.
Imagine being surrounded by a bunch of crazed Palestinian nationalists on the subway, demanding for you to tell them if you’re Jewish, without having to prove it by whipping out your business card from Goldman Sachs 1st.
Equity research analyst David Rosenbluth from Short Hills, New Jersey tenses immediately and says, “Jewish, no, of course not. Look, under my arm, I still read the New York Times. I don’t even know how many zeros are in a trillion. I count with my fingers for simple arithmetic, which your people invented from what I’ve read in the Atlantic, Mazel Tov. Oh vey! Please don’t kill me. I’ll block Mark Ruffalo on Twitter. Israel is guilty of genocide, not Mao, Stalin or Pol Pot. I voted for Obama twice. I think Farsi is the most beautiful sound in the universe to. And Obama loves Hitler. Obama wishes he was that organized. Gassing all his nuke deal critics would be a gas. Palestinian nationalist says, “You’re too funny for a WASP. Samir, chop his fucking head off. So we can jump for joy like it’s 9/11 again already. And I thought David Lee Roth was a long-winded Jew.”
This is Mark Ruffalo apologizing to Jon Stewart about accusing Israel of genocide. Mark Ruffalo calls. “Hey, Jon, it’s Mark. Sorry about accusing Israel of genocide despite them giving Hamas plenty of advance warning to get their kids the fuck out of dodge before they strike back again and again. Normally, genocidal maniacs like Mao prefer to starve millions to death. And Jews don’t like to blow through money if they can avoid it.” Jon Stewart says, “Don’t sweat it, Mark. I don’t care if you repeat old school Farrakhan talking points like the mulatto version of Public Enemy. Nor do I care if Palestinians get green with envy about the Jews controlling the Federal Reserve and all the banks in the North Pole to. I let Trever Noah reveal what partisan hacks my Emmy winning writers have become by siding with ANTIFA and BLM to silence any form of speech that paints them or their enablers in the White House and establishment media as the fascist, racist terrorist enablers that they are, regardless of how much CNN orders Kamal Bell to pontificate otherwise like a schlumpy, unfunny Paul Mooney for hire. I also didn’t press Obama on my show to do a better job of selling his time out deal with Iran, which had less legs than Lieutenant Dan. So, what difference does it make?” Hillary Hammer Time Cankles lives. Holla, thank you very much.
The state of our union is like Stephen Colbert’s feel for funny these days, shaky. It’s too bad Bill O’Reilly is no longer important enough to imitate. At least, Bill gave Colbert gravitas.
Now, the Colbert show is requiring it’s live audience to show proof they got vaccinated to ensure they remain the clapping seals that they are, no matter how much Greg Gutfeld beats Colbert in the late night ratings race.
Lebron is like Jussie Smollett. He’s kisses Obama’s butt no matter what. Plus, they both act persecuted whenever you make fun of their acting again. Last, they’re both race war inciting, fake news oppressed, deplorable pieces of shit. Because deplorable is anyone glad Jussie Smollett took a shot. Too bad Jussie can’t take his hoax planning talents to CNN. Don Lemon already squeezed the role of fake news enraged, pseudo black looking Obama guy for all it was worth. Holla, thank you very much.