What don’t I sweat Global Warming? Because Al Gore’s speaking career has cooled considerably.
Trump debating Greta Thunberg on fracking. All the Mountain Dew and Doritos being sucked down by Obama’s dreamers left and right, will offset the low birth rates in no time. Plus, fracking reduces our Co2 emissions Greta but your parents also support ANTIFA, so I’m sure your heart is in the right place. Fury Brow says, “So Neil Young, is full of shit now?” Trump replies, “Neil Young doesn’t take showers to reduce his carbon footprint. So that much, you share in common babe.”
What’s it like being an unplanned father of 3, who never mastered the art of pump fake with virtual grandparents on both sides nowhere to be seen because Good Will Hoodie at Facekbook made Baby Boomers the laziest grandparent generation of all time? Drinking alone is no longer an issue.
I actually gave up drinking beer last summer. I felt terrible spending so much time hungover, recycling, endless, empty reminders of my lushyness, as entire Rocky Marathons on AMC passed me by.
6 million hits later, I learned the national pot smoking holiday 4/20 is Hitler’s birthday. I haven’t felt this duped since Sly Stallone snuck Mel Gibson into Expendables 3.
Has anyone tried Snoop Dog’s new red wine? Wine Advocate says it tastes like mouthwash used by Snoop’s Fluffer’s in Porn Hood Hell.
This is Russel Simmons addressing rape allegations with Gayle King. Gayle, read my lisp. I didn’t rape any of those vengeful, over the hill ho’s.
This is Dr. Dre and Eminem discussing the merger between Microsoft and LinkedIn. Hey, Slim, Microsoft paid 4.5 billion for LinkedIn. Worrrrrrrrrrrrd, LinkedIn is lamer than ever yoh.
Eminem called Trump a Nazi but the Donald lifted the ban on Jewish membership once he bought Mar-A-Lago, Slim On Facts Shady.
And this is Ziggy Marely being interviewed by High Times Magazine. Ziggy, how did your dad have 7 kids? Doesn’t excessive ganja use drain your life blaster dry? Ziggy Marley says, “Fake News Man.”
I had to stop smoking weed after I thought my daughter was asleep because I’d feel like a total moron trying to answer her questions on it while trying to get her to sleep again. She says, “Daddy, if God created the universe, then who created God?” Eventually I come up with, “God went back in time in a Time Machine, made my Elon Musk.” Daughter says, “Real convincing Dad. Thanks for making me an atheist at 4.”
But God didn’t give me 3 kids to have a panic attack over it. Plus, 4 kids would really piss my parents off because they’d feel like more ineffectual grandparents from afar than usual. Sperm implanter or sperm terminator is the question. But I’m afraid of getting a vasectomy because I don’t want my ball sack to feel like Edward Scissorhands face.
If my daughter’s 2 younger brothers played with her Barbie dolls, I’d think playing with my GI Joe figures way past the acceptable age was way gayer, especially when I had Gung Ho manhandle Cobra Commander like his gimpy bitch in Pulp Fiction.
One time, my son says to me, “I’ve seen mama’s vagina before. I prefer a vagina with no hair.” I say, “Big boobs compliment it better.”
Wife says, “Our 3rd child Samuel, Chosen Curls Was Bound To Woo, get’s bored whenever he spends to much time with her.” I always knew he was a quick learner.
I call him Chosen Curls Was Bound To Woo because Italian grandmas flirt with the kid non-stop at Stop and Shop, way after the prime rib sample station has closed. They’ll say to my son Chosen Curls Was Bound To Woo, “When you get older, you’ll have 3 girlfriend to juggle. I say, “If James Woods had this kid’s face, your estimates, wouldn’t be so conservative.”
Chosen’s Curl’s older brother’s name is Arthur Morrison Kornbluth. I wanted to name him Arthur Brooks Kornbluth in honor of comedian Albert Brooks but I changed my mind because I didn’t want to give him permission to be become another Jewish pussy.
The best thing about having a son is they’ll tell you whenever you’re being a slacker for you. Son says, “Daddy, why didn’t you go on the Peloton today? I say, “I got food poisoning from the Halal Guys last night. Son says, “Enough with the excuses daddy. You’re worse than Hillary.”
If Biden got the most votes in US history, then Michelle Obama regretted pissing on the ceiling fan in the Lincoln Bedroom moments before Trump’s inauguration. Only for the Donald to comment to the flawless, beautiful Melania soon after, “Is this what she-hulk meant, when she-he said, when they go low, we aim high?” Offended so far? Then go woke yourselves. Can I get a holla for raising the roof long time all time, holla? Thank you very much.
At Costco, a Karen says to me, “Wear the damn mask.” I say, “Not until you suck the white privilege out of my chosen schlong 1st babe. But I’ll make it easier for you Karen. Pretend Obama, ordered you to leak it.
Lebron, America’s Most Hunted, King Of The Persecution Complex who ruined the NBA ever since it become a safe space for Drama Queen Diaries ego, wore a fake news cast in the NBA playoffs one year because Michelle Obama inspired him to do it. After she threatened to jam her arm up Obama’s ass if he ever offered a glass of Paul Newman’s Lemonade to Beyonce over her homemade Kombucha again.
This is the Roast Master General Jeff Ross having fun with Jay Z in the VIP room at the Super Bowl, the year J Lo banged a stripper pole to death and had her scantily dressed kids dance in fake news cages, hoping Ben Affleck would drunk dial her again. Jeff Ross says to Jay Z, “Jigga, don’t you think child separation is overrated? I mean, look how you turned out. And if Coco never got separated from his parents in the movie Coco, he never would’ve become a mini-Los Lobos in the making.”
But back to Obama for a second. When Lebron’s Lakers lost in the 1st round this year to the Suns, do you think Obama ran down to his man cave in Martha’s Vineyard to access his secret stash of Almond Joys hid behind a giant box of Duct Tape From Costco. Joan Rivers lives. Thank you very much.
Our state of the union is like Stephen Colbert’s handle on funny these days, shaky. It’s too bad Bill O’Reilly is no longer important to enough to impersonate. At least Bill O’Reilly gave Colbert gravitas.
Cuomo writing a book on leadership is like Woody Allen writing a book on hands off parenting.
I think Cuomo’s book publisher should reimagine book titles more in tune with our more wokeified times such as, “No, I Won’t Jump Off My Own Bridge”, “How To Get Banned From Rao’s For life in 15 Months Flat” or “Fuck Blanch, That Used Up Golden Shower Girl Was Going To Die Of A Urinary Track Infection Anyway. ” Wait a minute, she lives in a nursing home in Florida that wasn’t forced to accept COVID infection patients to fill out the extra ordered body bags, my bad.” But at least Ben Stiller still likes Cuomo. The thug in Armani is rumored to star in the remake of the Goonies because Cuomo, AKA, The Italian Reptilian inside, looks like The Thing and Mama Fratelli from the Goonies had a baby.
Did you know De-Blasio’s wife used to be a full time Park Slope Lesbian before they married? But were supposed to believe garlic breath converted her? Putz Breath eats pizza with a fork and knife. So can you honestly picture Big Bird burying his beak into her gnarly snatch without a mask on with such sudden, sloppy abandon? It sounds like a plausible theory to digest, don’t you think?
Today, you can be fined 250 thousand dollars for hate speech in Manhattan such as, “No speak, English? Whose translating these insults for Juan exactly? Now, every illegal immigrant in New York get’s a license to vote and a hate speech translator to bankrupt Apu at a Bodega in Flushing.
Dr. Seus is racist because he drew a picture of an African in a grass skirt. I didn’t know Fubu was in fashion yet.
1 kid only means your Diaphragm is for walls after wall.
Ban ICE, because homeland security is weapons of mass destruction years.
Deplorable is anyone whose glad Jussie Smollet took a shot.
Al Franken wasn’t accused of pussy grabbing because he’s only four foot 2.
Sarah Silverman and Chelsea Handler are full time social justice activist now to distract and downplay their tits sagging popularity.
Hillary Hammer Time Cankles lost because she’s an unhuggable cunt.
Critical Race theory is bullshit, because guaranteed money in the NBA regardless of injury or having a reliable move to your left is so oppressive.
If Obama is such a baller. Why, did he ride the bench at an all Asian private school in Hawaii?
If Nike cared about the mantra black lives matter, they’d launch a new ad campaign with fake news fro Collin Kaepernick as the spokesperson to reimagine their Just Do It slogan and change it to, Just Don’t Resist Arrest.
Collin Kaepernick has a fake new fro. Have you ever seen a bi-racial afro that large before? Slash from Guns and Roses tried to grow one out and it was a total flop. Lenny Kravitz, another bi-racial favorite of mine, could never make it bounce that way.
The Mueller Report only taught us how Mueller likes to part his hair with gold fashioned elbow grease.
Obama ‘s the one who loves Hilter. Obama wishes he was that organized. Mass extermination of every schnoz plagued journalist or TV pundit who dared to criticize his nuke gifting deal to Iran, would be a gas.
I’m being paranoid Jew again. Obama gave Iran 1.5 billion dollars in unmarked bills in the still of the night to create overseas manufacturing jobs for Build A Bear, to make their economy, less reliant on the sale of chest hair removal cream or the Kardashians.
There’s no way Bruce Jenner was asexual when he was married to Kris Jenner. But I bet Bruce maintained his boner longer, after he convinced Kris to cut her hair short, so you she could look more like a dolled up Ralph Machio. Can I get a holla, for jokes Gen X Dads, understand? Thank you very much.
If Google doesn’t manipulate search results. Then, why is it harder to find positive mentions of Hydroxychloroquine, than it is to find film bloggers on Rotten Tomatoes who called the Irishman, underrated? Also, is it me or does Robert Dinero on the View these days, look like Betsy Ross falling apart at the seams?
My mom texted me Happy Father’s Day on the wrong Sunday. My mom’s happiness for me knows no bounds. And she wonders why I’ve dedicated my life to scoring laughs from strangers and millennial mousketeers for a living.
Wife is from Australia originally. My mom calls to shoot down our plan to marry there. She says, “Australia is a long flight from New York. And your father doesn’t love you that much.” I put my wife at ease and said, “Assuming we have a boy one day, instead of hiring a Rabbi for the circumcision. Will hire Crocodile Dundee. Just so we can hear a roomful of Jews say, “Now, that’s a knife. You can chop it all off with that thing.”
Grandparent bad manners is when your dad transfers the smell of stale cigarettes on to your April fresh daughter only 2 days out of mama’s snuggle shine snatch, which makes your 1st born smell like Don Draper’s corpse draped in Aramis.
Grandparent bad manners is your your in-laws spending more on doggy day care than what they’ve spent on their 3 grandchildren combined so far. One year for Christmas, my in-laws got my daughter a plastic, Fisher Price Toy Chest with no toys in it. I put her at ease and said, “Don’t worry Matilda. When we get back home to New York. Will fill it up with your eight thousand Chanukah gifts.
The best part of getting socks from your in laws for Christmas each year, is that you get to postpone laundry for another week. Although, if my nurse wife has to work on Christmas Eve, I won’t get any socks that year because the cost of postage cost more than the socks themselves.
Days before last Christmas, I told my wife that the Good Men Project, was going to publish 10 of my blogs like Funnier Dad, Happier Baby and she says “What are they paying you for it?” I said, “Less than what your parents give us, so nothing.”
My wife is a lactation consultant, so I call her the Boob Doctor. She also works in labor and delivery in addition to the NICU, revitalizing blue faced babies for a living, which bolsters her claims of me being a narcissist because all I ever check is for retweets. That is until I was banned from Twitter for spreading disinformation like claiming the Chinese have resisted Wuhan Lab leak investigations more than Aqua-Fresh.
It’s also hard to warm up to your in-laws when they didn’t care for the ending of Inglorious Bastards, knowing they bolted to see Apocalypto opening weekend, booking reservations on Fandango for the 1st time, 6 million months in advance.
This is my 10 year old daughter playing the role of marriage counselor again. Pause daddy, mama got your point mid breath.
I always remind my daughter in advance to put undies on the second after she pees. So the Chinese underworld has far less to see.
The only time I get angry at my daughter is whenever I tuck her in and she asks for the gazillionith time, “Daddy, what do you do after you tuck me in? Finally, I snap and say, “I squeeze in some me time alright.”
I’m a member of Generation X. Who grew up fretting about getting AIDS before Magic made HIV disappear. As a result, I prefer my comedy like my coffee, dark and bitter, dark roast to be exact. Or else I’d be circumcising my happiness all together and my wife does that enough to me already.
She says, “I’ve sacrificed.” She acts like an aspiring comedian in his late twenties wanted kids ever.” I’m 45 now. I’ve aged well, I know. My wife hasn’t sucked the life out of my face just yet, with lines such as, “If I give the baby boob now, he’ll be on the boob on all night long. I say, “All of a sudden, your boob has more important places to be. Be happy your torn up nips are getting any attention at all. Since I agreed to to embrace the Danish parenting concept of attachment parenting, which is turning our bed into a 24/7 open milk bar for the foreseeable future, you don’t hear me bitching about as much as I should.” Last night, I was dumb enough to sample her foamy tips for all times sake because I forgot how much they taste like a regrettable non-fate latte or that she hasn’t gotten a boob job yet despite her promising me one 3 unplanned kids later because I never mastered the art of the pump fake.
My wife works nights, so I’ll be out with my 3 kids plenty and random grown men will approach me in public and say, “You’ve got your hand full.” And I’ll say, “If my book, “The Great American Jew Novel scores me a talent agent sometime this century, resulting in my wife agreeing to open relationship with Jessica Simpson, sexual napalm herself. Then, my hands will be full.”
The best thing I liked about Trump before the day Democracy died and got banned form Twitter was his relentless optimism and over the top salesmanship. If Trump got pricked by a dirty needle with HIV by Dr. Gnochi, AKA, Fuck Face Fauci, the same one they used to take out Easy E from NWA, Trump would tweet the next morning, “Do I have HIV? Yes, but my T-Cell Count Numbers have never been stronger. ”
Voter ID is racist against Latinos. Is there a new height requirement I don’t know about yet?
Voter ID is racist. How else can we tell MS-13 apart?
And how is Voter ID racist against black guys to? Do new voter laws require Jamal to show proof of shooting eighty percent from the free throw line?
Voter ID is an attack on our Democracy. No, allowing China to launch biochemical warfare on the US to replace Trump with Mr. Groper is.
The Supreme Court playing hooky on the job is an attack on our democracy. Who knew that Amy Barrett would become a bigger, feckless cunt than Samantha Bee could ever be?
Because allowing Election Fraud to persist is the equivalent of spitting on vets graves and kicking Nazi destroyers in the nuts again and again.
And if we don’t fix the election fraud problem in our country, we the people will means less In Fuck Face Fauci we trust.
At least, I don’t have to see my kids in masks at camp this summer, looking like Michael Jackson’s kids on holiday in Bahrain, who identify with the moderate Muslim housewives of Manhattan.
How would Michael Jackson defend himself against his Neverland accusers today? All the Beatles royalty points in the world, can’t by me love?
This is Marlon Brando getting method on Michael in his role as shrink role from the movie Don Juan Demarco. Just because it happened on the Neverland Ranch, never means, it never happened Michael.
I just read about an all Muslim girl prom in Detroit. So the prom was like mine, pork free.
Killing the number 2 in charge of ISIS makes it easier for them to recruit. Like ISIS would ever honor their non compete agreement with Al Qaeda . And enough with ISIS being good recruiters. All they do is target other lonely virgins on WhatsApp and Facebook, who wish their phones blew up.
And why is the Trans community getting their panties in a bunch over the song, Dude Looks Like Tranny? In the song, Steven Tyler of Aerosmith, takes more than a peek, as he mounts she he from behind, proclaiming with surging lust, “Oh, what a funky lady, and I like it, like it, yeah. So did Richard Pryor, get over it already. He called the best piece of pussy Bill Maher never had.
Last, memo to the NY Times, when Hamas fires 4000 rockets in Israel’s backyard, don’t expect an edible arrangement gift basket in return, with a thank you note written in Farsi. Thank you.