Do It All Dad Does America

What don’t I sweat Global Warming? Because Al Gore’s speaking career has cooled considerably.

Trump debating Greta Thunberg on fracking. All the Mountain Dew and Doritos being sucked down by Obama’s dreamers left and right, will offset the low birth rates in no time. Plus, fracking reduces our Co2 emissions Greta but your parents also support ANTIFA, so I’m sure your heart is in the right place. Fury Brow says, “So Neil Young, is full of shit now?” Trump replies, “Neil Young doesn’t take showers to reduce his carbon footprint. So that much, you share in common babe.”

What’s it like being an unplanned father of 3, who never mastered the art of pump fake with virtual grandparents on both sides nowhere to be seen because Good Will Hoodie at Facekbook made Baby Boomers the laziest grandparent generation of all time? Drinking alone is no longer an issue.

I actually gave up drinking beer last summer. I felt terrible spending so much time hungover, recycling, endless, empty reminders of my lushyness, as entire Rocky Marathons on AMC passed me by.

6 million hits later, I learned the national pot smoking holiday 4/20 is Hitler’s birthday. I haven’t felt this duped since Sly Stallone snuck Mel Gibson into Expendables 3.

Has anyone tried Snoop Dog’s new red wine? Wine Advocate says it tastes like mouthwash used by Snoop’s Fluffer’s in Porn Hood Hell.

This is Russel Simmons addressing rape allegations with Gayle King. Gayle, read my lisp. I didn’t rape any of those vengeful, over the hill ho’s.

This is Dr. Dre and Eminem discussing the merger between Microsoft and LinkedIn. Hey, Slim, Microsoft paid 4.5 billion for LinkedIn. Worrrrrrrrrrrrd, LinkedIn is lamer than ever yoh.

Eminem called Trump a Nazi but the Donald lifted the ban on Jewish membership once he bought Mar-A-Lago, Slim On Facts Shady.

And this is Ziggy Marely being interviewed by High Times Magazine. Ziggy, how did your dad have 7 kids? Doesn’t excessive ganja use drain your life blaster dry? Ziggy Marley says, “Fake News Man.”

I had to stop smoking weed after I thought my daughter was asleep because I’d feel like a total moron trying to answer her questions on it while trying to get her to sleep again. She says, “Daddy, if God created the universe, then who created God?” Eventually I come up with, “God went back in time in a Time Machine, made my Elon Musk.” Daughter says, “Real convincing Dad. Thanks for making me an atheist at 4.”

But God didn’t give me 3 kids to have a panic attack over it. Plus, 4 kids would really piss my parents off because they’d feel like more ineffectual grandparents from afar than usual. Sperm implanter or sperm terminator is the question. But I’m afraid of getting a vasectomy because I don’t want my ball sack to feel like Edward Scissorhands face.

If my daughter’s 2 younger brothers played with her Barbie dolls, I’d think playing with my GI Joe figures way past the acceptable age was way gayer, especially when I had Gung Ho manhandle Cobra Commander like his gimpy bitch in Pulp Fiction.

One time, my son says to me, “I’ve seen mama’s vagina before. I prefer a vagina with no hair.” I say, “Big boobs compliment it better.”

Wife says, “Our 3rd child Samuel, Chosen Curls Was Bound To Woo, get’s bored whenever he spends to much time with her.” I always knew he was a quick learner.

I call him Chosen Curls Was Bound To Woo because Italian grandmas flirt with the kid non-stop at Stop and Shop, way after the prime rib sample station has closed. They’ll say to my son Chosen Curls Was Bound To Woo, “When you get older, you’ll have 3 girlfriend to juggle. I say, “If James Woods had this kid’s face, your estimates, wouldn’t be so conservative.”

Chosen’s Curl’s older brother’s name is Arthur Morrison Kornbluth. I wanted to name him Arthur Brooks Kornbluth in honor of comedian Albert Brooks but I changed my mind because I didn’t want to give him permission to be become another Jewish pussy.

The best thing about having a son is they’ll tell you whenever you’re being a slacker for you. Son says, “Daddy, why didn’t you go on the Peloton today? I say, “I got food poisoning from the Halal Guys last night. Son says, “Enough with the excuses daddy. You’re worse than Hillary.”

If Biden got the most votes in US history, then Michelle Obama regretted pissing on the ceiling fan in the Lincoln Bedroom moments before Trump’s inauguration. Only for the Donald to comment to the flawless, beautiful Melania soon after, “Is this what she-hulk meant, when she-he said, when they go low, we aim high?” Offended so far? Then go woke yourselves. Can I get a holla for raising the roof long time all time, holla? Thank you very much.

At Costco, a Karen says to me, “Wear the damn mask.” I say, “Not until you suck the white privilege out of my chosen schlong 1st babe. But I’ll make it easier for you Karen. Pretend Obama, ordered you to leak it.

Lebron, America’s Most Hunted, King Of The Persecution Complex who ruined the NBA ever since it become a safe space for Drama Queen Diaries ego, wore a fake news cast in the NBA playoffs one year because Michelle Obama inspired him to do it. After she threatened to jam her arm up Obama’s ass if he ever offered a glass of Paul Newman’s Lemonade to Beyonce over her homemade Kombucha again.

This is the Roast Master General Jeff Ross having fun with Jay Z in the VIP room at the Super Bowl, the year J Lo banged a stripper pole to death and had her scantily dressed kids dance in fake news cages, hoping Ben Affleck would drunk dial her again. Jeff Ross says to Jay Z, “Jigga, don’t you think child separation is overrated? I mean, look how you turned out. And if Coco never got separated from his parents in the movie Coco, he never would’ve become a mini-Los Lobos in the making.”

But back to Obama for a second. When Lebron’s Lakers lost in the 1st round this year to the Suns, do you think Obama ran down to his man cave in Martha’s Vineyard to access his secret stash of Almond Joys hid behind a giant box of Duct Tape From Costco. Joan Rivers lives. Thank you very much.

Our state of the union is like Stephen Colbert’s handle on funny these days, shaky. It’s too bad Bill O’Reilly is no longer important to enough to impersonate. At least Bill O’Reilly gave Colbert gravitas.

Cuomo writing a book on leadership is like Woody Allen writing a book on hands off parenting.

I think Cuomo’s book publisher should reimagine book titles more in tune with our more wokeified times such as, “No, I Won’t Jump Off My Own Bridge”, “How To Get Banned From Rao’s For life in 15 Months Flat” or “Fuck Blanch, That Used Up Golden Shower Girl Was Going To Die Of A Urinary Track Infection Anyway. ” Wait a minute, she lives in a nursing home in Florida that wasn’t forced to accept COVID infection patients to fill out the extra ordered body bags, my bad.” But at least Ben Stiller still likes Cuomo. The thug in Armani is rumored to star in the remake of the Goonies because Cuomo, AKA, The Italian Reptilian inside, looks like The Thing and Mama Fratelli from the Goonies had a baby.

Did you know De-Blasio’s wife used to be a full time Park Slope Lesbian before they married? But were supposed to believe garlic breath converted her? Putz Breath eats pizza with a fork and knife. So can you honestly picture Big Bird burying his beak into her gnarly snatch without a mask on with such sudden, sloppy abandon? It sounds like a plausible theory to digest, don’t you think?

Today, you can be fined 250 thousand dollars for hate speech in Manhattan such as, “No speak, English? Whose translating these insults for Juan exactly? Now, every illegal immigrant in New York get’s a license to vote and a hate speech translator to bankrupt Apu at a Bodega in Flushing.

Dr. Seus is racist because he drew a picture of an African in a grass skirt. I didn’t know Fubu was in fashion yet.

1 kid only means your Diaphragm is for walls after wall.

Ban ICE, because homeland security is weapons of mass destruction years.

Deplorable is anyone whose glad Jussie Smollet took a shot.

Al Franken wasn’t accused of pussy grabbing because he’s only four foot 2.

Sarah Silverman and Chelsea Handler are full time social justice activist now to distract and downplay their tits sagging popularity.

Hillary Hammer Time Cankles lost because she’s an unhuggable cunt.

Critical Race theory is bullshit, because guaranteed money in the NBA regardless of injury or having a reliable move to your left is so oppressive.

If Obama is such a baller. Why, did he ride the bench at an all Asian private school in Hawaii?

If Nike cared about the mantra black lives matter, they’d launch a new ad campaign with fake news fro Collin Kaepernick as the spokesperson to reimagine their Just Do It slogan and change it to, Just Don’t Resist Arrest.

Collin Kaepernick has a fake new fro. Have you ever seen a bi-racial afro that large before? Slash from Guns and Roses tried to grow one out and it was a total flop. Lenny Kravitz, another bi-racial favorite of mine, could never make it bounce that way.

The Mueller Report only taught us how Mueller likes to part his hair with gold fashioned elbow grease.

Obama ‘s the one who loves Hilter. Obama wishes he was that organized. Mass extermination of every schnoz plagued journalist or TV pundit who dared to criticize his nuke gifting deal to Iran, would be a gas.

I’m being paranoid Jew again. Obama gave Iran 1.5 billion dollars in unmarked bills in the still of the night to create overseas manufacturing jobs for Build A Bear, to make their economy, less reliant on the sale of chest hair removal cream or the Kardashians.

There’s no way Bruce Jenner was asexual when he was married to Kris Jenner. But I bet Bruce maintained his boner longer, after he convinced Kris to cut her hair short, so you she could look more like a dolled up Ralph Machio. Can I get a holla, for jokes Gen X Dads, understand? Thank you very much.

If Google doesn’t manipulate search results. Then, why is it harder to find positive mentions of Hydroxychloroquine, than it is to find film bloggers on Rotten Tomatoes who called the Irishman, underrated? Also, is it me or does Robert Dinero on the View these days, look like Betsy Ross falling apart at the seams?

My mom texted me Happy Father’s Day on the wrong Sunday. My mom’s happiness for me knows no bounds. And she wonders why I’ve dedicated my life to scoring laughs from strangers and millennial mousketeers for a living.

Wife is from Australia originally. My mom calls to shoot down our plan to marry there. She says, “Australia is a long flight from New York. And your father doesn’t love you that much.” I put my wife at ease and said, “Assuming we have a boy one day, instead of hiring a Rabbi for the circumcision. Will hire Crocodile Dundee. Just so we can hear a roomful of Jews say, “Now, that’s a knife. You can chop it all off with that thing.”

Grandparent bad manners is when your dad transfers the smell of stale cigarettes on to your April fresh daughter only 2 days out of mama’s snuggle shine snatch, which makes your 1st born smell like Don Draper’s corpse draped in Aramis.

Grandparent bad manners is your your in-laws spending more on doggy day care than what they’ve spent on their 3 grandchildren combined so far. One year for Christmas, my in-laws got my daughter a plastic, Fisher Price Toy Chest with no toys in it. I put her at ease and said, “Don’t worry Matilda. When we get back home to New York. Will fill it up with your eight thousand Chanukah gifts.

The best part of getting socks from your in laws for Christmas each year, is that you get to postpone laundry for another week. Although, if my nurse wife has to work on Christmas Eve, I won’t get any socks that year because the cost of postage cost more than the socks themselves.

Days before last Christmas, I told my wife that the Good Men Project, was going to publish 10 of my blogs like Funnier Dad, Happier Baby and she says “What are they paying you for it?” I said, “Less than what your parents give us, so nothing.”

My wife is a lactation consultant, so I call her the Boob Doctor. She also works in labor and delivery in addition to the NICU, revitalizing blue faced babies for a living, which bolsters her claims of me being a narcissist because all I ever check is for retweets. That is until I was banned from Twitter for spreading disinformation like claiming the Chinese have resisted Wuhan Lab leak investigations more than Aqua-Fresh.

It’s also hard to warm up to your in-laws when they didn’t care for the ending of Inglorious Bastards, knowing they bolted to see Apocalypto opening weekend, booking reservations on Fandango for the 1st time, 6 million months in advance.

This is my 10 year old daughter playing the role of marriage counselor again. Pause daddy, mama got your point mid breath.

I always remind my daughter in advance to put undies on the second after she pees. So the Chinese underworld has far less to see.

The only time I get angry at my daughter is whenever I tuck her in and she asks for the gazillionith time, “Daddy, what do you do after you tuck me in? Finally, I snap and say, “I squeeze in some me time alright.”

I’m a member of Generation X. Who grew up fretting about getting AIDS before Magic made HIV disappear. As a result, I prefer my comedy like my coffee, dark and bitter, dark roast to be exact. Or else I’d be circumcising my happiness all together and my wife does that enough to me already.

She says, “I’ve sacrificed.” She acts like an aspiring comedian in his late twenties wanted kids ever.” I’m 45 now. I’ve aged well, I know. My wife hasn’t sucked the life out of my face just yet, with lines such as, “If I give the baby boob now, he’ll be on the boob on all night long. I say, “All of a sudden, your boob has more important places to be. Be happy your torn up nips are getting any attention at all. Since I agreed to to embrace the Danish parenting concept of attachment parenting, which is turning our bed into a 24/7 open milk bar for the foreseeable future, you don’t hear me bitching about as much as I should.” Last night, I was dumb enough to sample her foamy tips for all times sake because I forgot how much they taste like a regrettable non-fate latte or that she hasn’t gotten a boob job yet despite her promising me one 3 unplanned kids later because I never mastered the art of the pump fake.

My wife works nights, so I’ll be out with my 3 kids plenty and random grown men will approach me in public and say, “You’ve got your hand full.” And I’ll say, “If my book, “The Great American Jew Novel scores me a talent agent sometime this century, resulting in my wife agreeing to open relationship with Jessica Simpson, sexual napalm herself. Then, my hands will be full.”

The best thing I liked about Trump before the day Democracy died and got banned form Twitter was his relentless optimism and over the top salesmanship. If Trump got pricked by a dirty needle with HIV by Dr. Gnochi, AKA, Fuck Face Fauci, the same one they used to take out Easy E from NWA, Trump would tweet the next morning, “Do I have HIV? Yes, but my T-Cell Count Numbers have never been stronger. ”

Voter ID is racist against Latinos. Is there a new height requirement I don’t know about yet?

Voter ID is racist. How else can we tell MS-13 apart?

And how is Voter ID racist against black guys to? Do new voter laws require Jamal to show proof of shooting eighty percent from the free throw line?

Voter ID is an attack on our Democracy. No, allowing China to launch biochemical warfare on the US to replace Trump with Mr. Groper is.

The Supreme Court playing hooky on the job is an attack on our democracy. Who knew that Amy Barrett would become a bigger, feckless cunt than Samantha Bee could ever be?

Because allowing Election Fraud to persist is the equivalent of spitting on vets graves and kicking Nazi destroyers in the nuts again and again.

And if we don’t fix the election fraud problem in our country, we the people will means less In Fuck Face Fauci we trust.

At least, I don’t have to see my kids in masks at camp this summer, looking like Michael Jackson’s kids on holiday in Bahrain, who identify with the moderate Muslim housewives of Manhattan.

How would Michael Jackson defend himself against his Neverland accusers today? All the Beatles royalty points in the world, can’t by me love?

This is Marlon Brando getting method on Michael in his role as shrink role from the movie Don Juan Demarco. Just because it happened on the Neverland Ranch, never means, it never happened Michael.

I just read about an all Muslim girl prom in Detroit. So the prom was like mine, pork free.

Killing the number 2 in charge of ISIS makes it easier for them to recruit. Like ISIS would ever honor their non compete agreement with Al Qaeda . And enough with ISIS being good recruiters. All they do is target other lonely virgins on WhatsApp and Facebook, who wish their phones blew up.

And why is the Trans community getting their panties in a bunch over the song, Dude Looks Like Tranny? In the song, Steven Tyler of Aerosmith, takes more than a peek, as he mounts she he from behind, proclaiming with surging lust, “Oh, what a funky lady, and I like it, like it, yeah. So did Richard Pryor, get over it already. He called the best piece of pussy Bill Maher never had.

Last, memo to the NY Times, when Hamas fires 4000 rockets in Israel’s backyard, don’t expect an edible arrangement gift basket in return, with a thank you note written in Farsi. Thank you.

Michael Kornbluth

Moving On Out To Russia

I’m moving on out to Russia. You don’t have to worry about Global Warming blather from the local news. Putin defending the use of fracking wouldn’t cause a pussy riot online either. Putin trolls Greta Thunberg and tweets, @GreatThunberg, Fracking actually reduces CO2 emissions. Furry Brow tweets back, “So Neil Young is full of shit now?” Putin showcases a flash of Trumpian wit and fires back with “Neil Young doesn’t take showers to reduce his carbon footprint. So that much, you share in common babe. Why doesn’t Global Warming scare me Greta? Because Al Gore’s speaker has considerably cooled.”

Russians can still take a joke. Trump has ties to Russia. Duh, what mail order bride owner doesn’t? Plus, like the great Russian novelists such as Fyodor Dostoevsky, I prefer my comedy like my coffee, dark and bitter.

Also, you know BLM wouldn’t be allowed to harass patrons dining al fresco in St. Petersburg while slurping up some more Caviar soup. Putin’s so tough, he could snap your neck by just staring at it topless on a horse in the country.

Like Honest Abe said, “I’d rather live in Russia than in a place that lives under the pretense of loving liberty”, the way America does today. But Biden wants our family members and neighbors to rat out Trump supporters over white supremacist concerns because we don’t live by the creed, In Fuck Face Fauci We Trust. Nor are we inclined to believe in objective science anymore, after learning how every past prominent scientist in this country decried the Wuhan lab leak has a conspiracy theory because they didn’t want to be branded as a fake news white supremacist like the rest.

Putin actually said the name of the unarmed, American veteran Ashley Babbitt who was shot in cold blood in the Capital Building after the Stop The Steal Rally, which is more than Trumpy Poo ever mustered the courage to do.

Putin poisons his political opponents. Well, that’s better than pushing a non FDA approved vaccine on your Trump hater supporters that’s leading to more complications than election fraud audit reveals in the great free state of Arizona.

Putin poisons his political opponents. Like doxing ICE agents, immigrants from El Salvador who speak to the NY Times about MS-13, or any moms on Facebook who dare to criticize critical race theory as race divisive bullshit is any different?

Putin poisons his political opponents. Big deal, the blowhard dullard hack would’ve gotten liver cancer at some point anyway. I bet you Putin doesn’t have a fuck up druggie son who creamed in his dead brother’s wife seconds after the cremation ensued. Plus, Putin would never allow the drug cartels from Mexico or communist killers from China to push more Fentanyl through our southern border, that’s killed more crackers in this country than Taylor Swift kicking it with Lena Dunham on Instagram.

Russian journalists today know more about nationalistic pride than terrorist siding pieces of shit liars at the NY times. Who shamelessly pushed golden showers tales about Trump and Russian hookers with less legs than Lieutenant Dan. Plus, no Russian Journalist would ever be dumb enough to believe Trump hired a couple of Russian Hookers to pee on each other at his hotel room in St. Petersburg because he’s a notorious Germaphobe. Especially knowing how Trump could hire a bunch of Ivanka lookalikes to pee on each other at his Trump International Hotel in Washington D.C, whenever he likes. I’m also positive Melania can talk dirty to him in Slovenian whenever, wherever, wearing nothing but a mink hat from Spies Like Us.

Hate filled leftist retards don’t exist in Russia and would never feel morally exalted over anybody by breathlessly slinging endless bullshit enshrouded lies about election interference by the Russians, that made Drago pop out of various voting booths in predominately blue states, issuing life or death ultimatums such as, “Vote Trump or I’ll break you. If you die, it’s your fault for not believing in Holograms.”

Russia would never allow the construction of a George Floyd statue to prove thug lives matter. Especially when 2 billion dollars worth of property damage, and thousands of businesses destroyed for 6 months straight was designed to scare the Supreme Court to ever rule in the favor of law and order ever again.

Last, Billy Joel is the 1st to crowd surf at a concert in Russia before Eddie Vedder ever did. I’m not saying you can’t find a better country than Russia. But America is light years from acheiving Nirvana ever again. Wake me whenever this neverending shit show ends.

Michael Kornbluth

The COVID Jab Pinkie Swear

New York City is reopened again. Cuomo declares victory. He killed off the greatest city the world has in only 15 months flat.

Steven A. Smith claims Durant is the best player to represent New York. Be a more transparent kiss ass Smith. Millennial Mouseketeers would’ve gotten stomped to death in the vastly more rough and tumble era of the eighties NBA. The suffocative defensive play by the Bad Boys, X Man, The Pacers, Kevin Willis and Charles hard as oak Oakley wouldv’e torn Durant’s pipe cleaner arms off like he was the black Gumby. Durant isn’t an actual Playground legend from Brooklyn like Bernard King either. Bernard King was the black Larry Bird on steroids with Rocky’s eye of the tiger snarl in Rocky 2. Who ripped the rim off the fucking basket while going coast to coast like Westbrook on Adderall with far greater chest puffing huffing ease.

Refusing to vote is giving up on America. No, avoiding Voter ID to cheat again is. I forgot. Calling out election fraud is the big lie like humanization being the religion of peaceful Palestinian protestors for hire. Which reminds me, an all Muslim girls prom was just held in Detroit. The prom was like mine, pork free.

I hope nobody votes in America ever again. So, politicians who let Democracy die under their watch without making a peep will feel like emptier imposter do good helpers at Harvard Club than normal till their last, scotch stench filled breath.

Is Baby Face Omar the new face of Banana Republic yet? To model their the new line of casual antisemitism footwear that comes with a complimentary Israeli doormat to boot.

Actually, the Supreme Court gave up on America when they refused to look into the case of election fraud that was more blatant than Jill Biden’s varicose veins with no panty hose on in front of the Queen, who offers stiff competition in that department with her panty hose on in person.

Eric Clapton’s famous music friends like Steve Winwood are avoiding him like the plague now since he opened up about partial paralysis after his 2nd COVID jab. Back on his high horse again with chompers like that. Dear Alexa, play me any song by Cream, Clapton or Derek and Dominoes to make me happy. It’s too bad Steve Winwood isn’t cracking anybody’s top 100 pleasure playlist either.

Nobody has died from the COVID jab. What about boxer legend The Marvelous Marvin Hagler? Oh yeah, MSN debunked the conspiracy theory already despite Tommy Hearns claiming the murderous jab put him out for the count more than his combinations ever could.

I made a COVID jab pinkie swear when my parents asked me to get vaccinated for their behalf. But my father’s shoulders collapse, whenever I go in for a hug for old times sake since I came out as a Trump supporter. Plus, my parents are vaccinated, which grants them immunity from the virus allegedly. So at this point, what difference does it make? Hillary Hammer Time Cankles strikes again. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

The Neverending Shit Show

Do kids in China count bats when they have a hard time staying awake for finals?

Why didn’t you get your vaccination shot yet? Because I don’t have a job at
Salesforce to go back to. Nor am I a CCP controlled pawn of the US military. Plus,
if I wanted to join the Army now, I wouldn’t be accepted in it because my
shemale search history on YouPorn.com, means I’m against Sharia law and genital
mutilation, which isn’t gay enough for Mayor Pete’s butt plug tastes.

Why haven’t I gotten the vaccine yet? Because I don’t light up with joy
at the prospect of wearing a sticker that says, “Just Vaccinated”, in
case you think I’m on Trumpy Poo’s side now to.

Why haven’t I gotten the vaccine yet? Because if shriekish leftist fuck-wads
didn’t have their heads so high up their ass, they’d be able to see, they’re
not the only ones allowed to resist.

Why haven’t I gotten the vaccine yet? Because the pediatrician for my 3 kids
told me to get one and he thinks Biden won fair and square. Yeah, and Hunter
loves giving up blow for blow painting.

If Biden got the most votes in US history, President Trump is allergic to
high end trim.

Why did Biden get more votes than Obama doc? Because Mr. Groper looks like
a more virile Jimmy Carter in Aviators.

School nurse sent my kid home today because he coughed BULLSHIT. After his friend
Hobbs, insisted he got COVID from watching a Trump Rally last year on Fox News.

I hate to see Biden in his diaper mask. It feels like the CCP dumped a
septic tank in my mouth.

Doctor asks me “How do you think your son could’ve gotten COVID?” before the
test results came back. I said, “We looted a Target in Minneapolis for George
Floyd Appreciation Day. But don’t worry doc, we stole all the masks we could
find. So, we could throw a Burning Mask Party  in style, on July 4th to be exact,
to light a fire under any patriotic verve Lady Liberty has left.

Michael Kornbluth

More American Made Gold

This is Jeff Ross roasting Jay Z in the VIP Room after the Super Bowl. Don’t you think child separation is overrated Jigga? I mean, look how you turned out. And if Coco was never separated from his parents, he never would’ve become a mini Los Lobos in the making. Why did Beyonce sit out the National Anthem Jay? Let me guess. Devin Lovato singing the national anthem sounded too much like the white privileged version of Alabama Shakes. Remember when your boy Lebron got the idea to wear cast after Michelle threatened to jam her arm up Obama’s ass if he ever offered Beyonce a glass of Paul Newman’s Lemonade over her homemade Kombucha again? Did you try Snoop’s wine yet? Wine Advocate said it tastes like mouthwash used in Porn Hood Hell. This is my impersonation of Dr. Dre and Eminem discussing the merger between Microsoft and LinkedIn. Hey, Slim. Microsoft paid 4 billion for LinkedIn. Worrddddddddddddd! LinkedIn is lamer than ever yoh. Trump has ties to Russia. No shit, what mail order bride owner, doesn’t it?

Michael Kornbluth

My Son Is Going To Trade School

I hate run-on sentence critics. It’s not my fault your slow and can’t keep up with my gender fluid flow.

Critical Race Theory is bullshit. Guaranteed money in the NBA, regardless of injury, is so oppressive.

The Muslim Sisterhood in congress don’t have an issue amplifying their voices in America either Jack.

Howard Beal was killed in the movie Network over lousy ratings. CNN’s worst nightmare come true.

British accents are unwelcome intrusive like Boris Johnson’s wife staring in my general direction.

Does Triple AAA offer ANTIFA roadblock assistance because the Proud Boys will do it free of charge?

Night screams mean you care about living. Or else you wouldn’t be afraid of dying before making it.

New York will come back, but everybody has left, except Free Palestine protestors and The Halal Guys.

Forcing kids to wear muzzles is wrong. Boris Johnson’s wife at the G-7 summit, not so much.

Jill Biden is a tacky, small town ho. Biden wears her panty hose when he can’t find his mask.

Masks are the new condoms only because I can’t cum in my wife wearing one either. 

99 percent of people survive COVID yet Fuck Face Fauci, AKA, Dr. Gnocchi pushed endless lockdowns and triple masking of our kids while acting as if COVID depresses your immune system more than entry into the Dallas Buyers Club.

Hydroxychloroquine can increase your survival rate by 200 percent. What’s up with that study Doc?

Still, Dr. Fauci used his power to block the use of it. He’s Dr. Kevorkian in reverse.

Biden is donating thousands of free COVID vaccines to Africa like a poor man’s Bill Gates who can’t code for shit either.

Sanctuary cities is encouraged lawlessness on crack.

1 kid only means, your diaphragm is for walls after all.

I’m against unlimited immigration because I’m not a proud member of the rapist enablement party.

If calling Baby Face Omar, a Jihad loving runt cunt, makes me alt-right, then I’m alright with that.

Where were you when Fox stopped counting the ballots? Thanking God JFK didn’t die for nothing. Yeah, me to.

My mom texts me Happy Father’s Day on the wrong day. Her happiness for me knows no bounds.

Boris Johnson’s wife, woof, woof needs water breaks, not my son 2 minutes into basketball practice.

My wife wants me to get COVID to say, “You should’ve worn a mask going down on MAGA mom.”

Trump Won signs at MLB is my new favorite America pastime, after telling Lebron to go woke himself.

The Mueller Report court hearing proved what again? Mueller parts his hair with gritty, elbow grease.

Did Drago pop out of your voting booth and demand, “Vote Trump or I’ll break you.”

When the Statue of Liberty went dark. I bet DeBalsio forgot to pay the Con Ed Bill on time again.

I hate the term helping others unless you’re applying for a job that says help wanted.

Maintaining relationships is overrated among those who think Mr. Groper won by a hair alone.

My son is going to trade school to become a landscape artist. Because NYC will have to start from Ground Zero at this rate. Or he could become a furniture designer within his own private studio and avoid charges of sexual harassment because he’ll design his own state of the art safe space for jerking off. Or he could become programmer and work remote unlike those software engineers who were charged with sexual harassment pre-COVID, despite them leaving the impression that they were too busy banging out new code to hit on girls anyway. Plus, I thought only ugly girls went to coding boot camp. Also, don’t programmers wear those yenta breath noise canceling headphones at work for a reason. Last, the typical Pearl script command isn’t, “Massage my carpel tunnel ho.”

My daughter’s 4th grade teacher just made her classroom writer tutor. Parenting matters to.

Michael Kornbluth

All Assholes

After Lebron James lost in the 1st round against the Suns, do you think Obama scurried down into his man cave in Martha’s Vineyard to tear through his private stash of Almond Joys, hid under a giant box of Duct Tape from Costco? Joan Rivers lives. Can I get a Challah, for not giving a shit if I offended you already, and if I did, then go woke yourself, holla; thank you very much.

Why isn’t Marv Albert lionized as a hero of the LGBT community? He had an affair with a retired Broadway Transgender dancer for a solid 15 years. Doesn’t that give him a leg up on the competition? Eddie Murphy getting caught picking up a Transgender prostitute on a lonely West Hollywood night is child’s play in comparison. Oscar De La Hoya got caught wearing woman’s lingerie, whoopty freaking-do.  Del La Hoya was never canceled and had his career taken away during his prime because he liked to nosh on his sexual partners backside with extra relish on it. And there’s no way Marv Albert is capable of sexual assault on anything. He comes up to Spike Lee’s knee. If anyone is guilty of forced sodomy, it’s Spike Lee’s forced fed, media pushed narrative behind critical race theory and all lives matter being the new n word, burning up race relations faster than any Public Enemy video could, thank you very much.

Imagine Marv Albert doing play by play for Drag Queen Reading Hour. Drag Queen says, “Who wants to be a Drag Queen when they grow up?” And Marv Albert says, “We’ve entered serious garbage time folks.” Dr. Seuss, she’s not. Is that an Amber Alert I hear? Another reason, not to encourage your kids to go way downtown. I live in Soho and know what danger lurks behind those dumpster alleys late at night, which isn’t the most spectacular move to make with no protection on your person, which is why even hotels in West Virginia have room service for a reason.” Holla, thank you very much.”

Did you know Ellen DeGeneres and George W. Bush are friends? I knew she was pro bush, but what do they do together exactly? Besides play Operation with Michelle Obama, gender reassignment edition? Watch Portia De Rossi squirm as W paints a portrait of her clit being hacked off in front of Michelle for Sharia Law Appreciation Month?

Portia De Rossi is from Australia like my wife. We wanted to get married there yet my mom shot it down. She calls, “Son, Australia, is a long flight from New York and your father doesn’t love you that much.” I console my wife later and say, “Assuming we have a boy one day, instead of hiring a Rabbi for the circumcision, we hire Crocodile Dundee. Just so we can hear a roomful of Jews say, “Now that’s a knife. You can chop it all off with that thing.”

Daughter asks, “Daddy, was Shakespeare transgender, because he’d dress up like a girl in all his plays? I said, “Back then, male actors played all the female parts because Kate Blanchet’s, great, great, great, grandmother was a but-her-face with no make up on to. So, I don’t know if Shakespeare was Transgender because the Bard of Avon also wrote, “Hanging perverts saved many a bad marriage”, because decoupling hadn’t gone viral yet. Plus, masturbation post #meto wasn’t declared man’s last safety rail left yet. Nor was sexting, Internet porn or dick picks devised back then either, which proved to be the death knell of small talk in this country and beyond, before tatted up white chicks on crystal meth ruined the golden age of muff diving forever. But I do know for a fact that Kevin Spacy bought the Old Vic playhouse in London because backstage the Academy Award winner is gay about lunging at Othello in tights.

If my son played with dolls, I’d tell him to triple wrap his life blaster in the making in seaweed, before taking the deep dive into Polynesian Barbie.

Why is the transgender community so offended by the song Dude Looks Like a Lady? In the song, Steven Tyler takes more than a peek, proclaiming with surging lust, “Oh, what a funky lady, and I like, like it, yeah.” So did Richard Pryor, get over it already. He called it the best piece of pussy Bill Maher never had. Holla, thank you very much.

I’m breaking my Chic-fil-A strike if I see Transgender Father’s Day trend on Twitter again. Either you’re an involved father or you’re not, nipple tits. And stop acting like getting shafted is a new experience you’re closed to pursuing either.

I’m in favor of sexual expression but Drag Queen Reading Hour is a tad scary for our kids, don’t you think? Fluorescent lights don’t look flattering on anybody, let alone on a poor man’s Marilyn Manson impersonator. Also, if we’re going to be exposing our kids to Drag Queen Reading Hour and believe it’s not intended to groom our kids into pool time entertainment at John Podesta’s house, who showcases enough pedo installation art to make Marilyn Manson blush. Why not have a Drag Queen read a fable about buyer’s remorse after playing operation, gender reassignment edition called, The Missing Link? It’s a fable about a sexual awakening on the dance floor at the China Club. Where a horny, sexually repressed, 17-year-old kid from Westchester County reared on Lou Reed Records, desperately tries to his exert his presence behind stuck up Jenny From The Block but fails to flex his manhood up into her round of mound, because his missing link to old school, banging hip hop is gone baby gone. 

At least our kids won’t be required to wear masks at the pool this summer, looking like Michael Jackson’s kids on holiday in Bahrain, who are being forced to identify with the Moderate Muslim Housewives of Manhattan.

This past morning, my wife asks me, “Can I go to sleep now, after working all night at the NICU?” I say, “Do we live under Sharia Law in this house? Of course, you can go to bed now, but not until I titty blast you with this bomb strapped to your chest 1st.” Andy Kaufman lives. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

The Koshertarian Offensive

I tried to get a Kosher butchering knife on EBAY called a Chalef knife, so I can feel like I’m capable of living off the farm like a Jewish Hank Williams Junior. But customer service told me they’re not available anymore because they’re dripping with hate speech against Halal butchers who give shout outs to Allah before butchering cows instead. Plus, they added, “Kosher butchering knives are too aggressively Israeli for EBAY’s tastes.” Holla, thank you very much.

Why do I care about rocking the Koshetarian Diet? First, I don’t have to do any of the blood draining myself, so it’s the least I can do. Second, the Koshertarian Diet makes me feel like a less all over the place Jew, which is a welcome change of pace. Third, it’s the least I can do to show my love for Hashem for blessing me with the three sweetest, most hilarious, fuss free kids in the universe. Fourth, the Koshertarian Diet allows me to look down on my younger brother and parents for never giving the Koshterian Diet inside the house and out an extended chance. And I have zero interest in being a fake news, God dissing hippy. Sorry, when you live in Arizona for 9 years and haven’t visited the Grand Canyon once. You’re a fake news hippy. I don’t care if your Bob Dylan station on Pandora disagrees. Fifth, my younger brother orders bacon cheeseburgers at Wendy’s with extra bacon on top yet he thinks being lactose tolerant is responsible for his chronic stomach pains, which have nothing to do with 2 decades worth of cocaine abuse, only hearing last call from the bathroom stall. 6th, I love the Koshterian Diet because if I do go out to eat, my options are significantly lessened. So now, whenever I do dine out, I no longer feel as indecisive as Jared Kushner holding up the salad bar line at the Bellagio. 7th, I rock the Koshterian diet because I wrote about a book about my divine powered quest to get my 3 fuss free kids excited about giving the Koshterian Diet a chance. John Lennon wishes he was this productive during his stay-at-home dad years. And if I don’t back up the talk, I’m no worse than my fake news hippies’ parents. 8th, I embrace the Koshertarian diet to ensure God continues to bless my funny Jew bone as I bang out more sheets of comedy gold. 9th, I practice the Koshertarian Diet because it forces me to generate more mo money minting ideas such as the Do It All Dad Hero Food Truck, which peddles the1st ever smoked Kosher brisket cheesesteak, using a plant-based cheese wiz in my debut middle age coming of age story, The Great American Jew Novel. Last, the Koshertarian diet reigns supreme because it triggers Italian deli workers, whenever I order an egg and cheese with no bacon on it. Italian Deli worker says, “No Bacon on that?” And I’ll give him the same response I give my 4-year-old, Chosen Curls Was Bound To Woo, whenever he whips out his pubescent life shooter in the making during dinner again, “Not Kosher baby.” Can I get a holla for some Challah? Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

 

The Koshertarian Offensive

I tried to get a Kosher butchering knife on EBAY called a Chalef knife, so I can feel like I’m capable of living off the farm like a Jewish Hank Williams Junior. But customer service told me they’re not available anymore because they’re dripping with hate speech against Halal butchers who give shout outs to Allah before butchering cows instead. Plus, they added, “Kosher butchering knives are too aggressively Israeli for EBAY’s tastes.” Holla, thank you very much.

Why do I care about rocking the Koshetarian Diet? First, I don’t have to do any of the blood draining myself, so it’s the least I can do. Second, the Koshertarian Diet makes me feel like a less all over the place Jew, which is a welcome change of pace. Third, it’s the least I can do to show my love for Hashem for blessing me with the three sweetest, most hilarious, fuss free kids in the universe. Fourth, the Koshertarian Diet allows me to look down on my younger brother and parents for never giving the Koshterian Diet inside the house and out an extended chance. And I have zero interest in being a fake news, God dissing hippy. Sorry, when you live in Arizona for 9 years and haven’t visited the Grand Canyon once. You’re a fake news hippy. I don’t care if your Bob Dylan station on Pandora disagrees. Fifth, my younger brother orders bacon cheeseburgers at Wendy’s with extra bacon on top yet he thinks being lactose tolerant is responsible for his chronic stomach pains, which have nothing to do with 2 decades worth of cocaine abuse, only hearing last call from the bathroom stall. 6th, I love the Koshterian Diet because if I do go out to eat, my options are significantly lessened. So now, whenever I do dine out, I no longer feel as indecisive as Jared Kushner holding up the salad bar line at the Bellagio. 7th, I rock the Koshterian diet because I wrote about a book about my divine powered quest to get my 3 fuss free kids excited about giving the Koshterian Diet a chance. John Lennon wishes he was this productive during his stay-at-home dad years. And if I don’t back up the talk, I’m no worse than my fake news hippies’ parents. 8th, I embrace the Koshertarian diet to ensure God continues to bless my funny Jew bone as I bang out more sheets of comedy gold. 9th, I practice the Koshertarian Diet because it forces me to generate more mo money minting ideas such as the Do It All Dad Hero Food Truck, which peddles the1st ever smoked Kosher brisket cheesesteak, using a plant-based cheese wiz in my debut middle age coming of age story, The Great American Jew Novel. Last, the Koshertarian diet reigns supreme because it triggers Italian deli workers, whenever I order an egg and cheese with no bacon on it. Italian Deli worker says, “No Bacon on that?” And I’ll give him the same response I give my 4-year-old, Chosen Curls Was Bound To Woo, whenever he whips out his pubescent life shooter in the making during dinner again, “Not Kosher baby.” Can I get a holla for some Challah? Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

 

The Manhattan Jerkoff Project

If you want to teach your kids about masturbation, send your kids to Dalton prep school for 50 grand a year on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. They’re teaching kids about masturbation early as 1st grade, imparting liberty preserving lessons like jerking off being our last safety rail left kids.

The question is, assuming Dad is beneath teaching his kid about the importance of jerking off to avoid disease and charges of rape with due process being deader in our country than Mia Farrow’s judge of character. Where would you prefer your kids to learn about masturbation? At sleepaway camp with your kid’s camp counselor or at school from a professor who teaches porn literacy at Columbia College? Porn literacy, do the parental controls at Dalton prep ensure the porn categories on their laptops are only visible in Latin?   Forcing our kids to read porn categories in Latin, is one way to bring dead languages back to life in no time. It also ensures Dalton kids won’t be accused of Xenophobia for refusing to take a class trip to Vatican because they know what giving communion in the dark means in Latin. The main reason Dalton is teaching kids about masturbation and only allowing them to surf porn written in Latin, is because some catholic donor wants to make their Latin club great again. So his son can sprinkle his debates with more highbrow nicknames than Trump could ever belch out on Twitter like BAT SHIT CRAZY COVIDITUS PELOSI. Holla, thank you very much.

The teacher at Dalton claims the masturbations lessons in the animation video were misinterpreted. Because jerking off videos like Topless Tudors are so ambiguous.

In the masturbation video animated kids discuss how touching themselves, makes it point in the air. “So, Johnny, you ever touch yourself to Dora and feel the need to cover it with multiple backpacks? Holla, thank you very much.

Parents who send their kid to Dalton claim to be enraged over their kids being show masturbation videos in the 1st grade, but they want to remain anonymous, refusing to come out on Tucker Carlson out of fear of being kicked off Facebook or else they’d lose all showing off privileges.

Aren’t the parents who send their kids to Dalton high powered lawyers, hedge fund managers and plastic surgeons for trans teens reared on Lou Reed records, considered less disposable employees than the rest, assuming they shit in MAGA hats on company retreats in the Bahamas? And how does speaking out publicly against Dalton’s teachers sexualizing their kids age of innocence get somebody fired from a hedge fund in Connecticut bringing in 4 billion a year? Does office security yank you out of the executive corporate john, on the top floor, only to sing, “You don’t come around here no more.” Tom Petty lives, holla, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth