The Italian Reptilian Inside

Andrew Cuomo looks like Mama Fratelli from Goonies and the Thing had a baby.  And why is the Italian Reptilian releasing rapists in the streets of NYC again?  There’s no more helpless elderly to rape. Plus, if he’s so worried about the rapist prisoners spreading the Coronavirus inside jail, can’t the Golden Girls hit man Cuomo order the wardens to send the most prolific rapists to the Hole, knowing New York City bars have plenty of chicken wings to spare because they’re no longer considered sophisticated enough bar grub for the cold blooded Italian Reptilian inside.

Michael Kornbluth

All Lives Matter Is The New N Word

Imagine J.J Redick wearing an All Lives Matter on his NBA jersey this year? If he manages to get home after a Pelicans game in one piece. His wife says, “It’s never too late for me to use this coupon for the Dollar Shave Club, if you don’t want to give them the pleasure of cutting you first. I’d also lose the tats and the alt right comb over look on top.

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

The Passive Aggressive Suicide Note

Kate Spade wins the award for most passive aggressive suicide note ever. Kate Spade’s suicide note only said this, “It’s not your fault. Dad will explain.” Dad reads the note and yells, “Explain what? I made you more miserable than Sylvia Path during Thanksgiving. What a bag of shit, Kate!” But it’s insensitive to make fun of mental illness. Go woke yourself. She left behind a daughter and was set for life. It’s not as if she lost her life savings during the Great Depression.  God forbid Kate’s shrink recommend she focus on her daughter and start a new purse line, decorated with happier emoji’s on Ecstasy  to drown out her billionaire blues, to keep hanging on.

Michael Kornbluth

Funnier Dad, Happier Babies

Whenever I’m out with my 3 kids without mommy, older woman swoon, constantly commenting to me, “Your kids are so happy together.” My reply, “Funnier dad, happier babies. I’ll wreck you in a photo off boomer dad. My kids have more muscle memory to flex from. Sorry, about you still thinking you’re the superior parent within all spheres of life, because because baby boomer arrogance never dies.  At the same time, my 3 fuss free kids 98% of the time, are all glowing beneficiaries of the attachment parenting, which is turning your bed into the a 24/7 open milk bar for the foreseeable future. It’s the equivalent of planting seeds of self-esteem on steroids. So they’re not suffering from any major abandonment issues, for being another newborn who has cry it out in the crib upstairs, which is the only reason why our boomer parents bought 2 floor homes in yenta breath country in Long Island  because it makes the muffled cries of despair, easier to bear.”

 

Michael Kornbluth

Worshiping NPR Gospel Is Dangerous

Doctors telling us to not wear mask is dangerous.  So, is wrecking the economy in attempt to get pedo Joe nominated by any means necessary, you feckless, fake news moralists cunts, of the most despicable order.

But most people don’t know if they have Covid, so you have to wear a mask or else you’ll be branded as an alt-right, science spurning deplorable, who doesn’t do cartwheels over the wide spread celebration of third term abortions on demand because the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model just thought she was being brave by letting it all hang out like Lena Dunham looking like she swallowed a village of hunchback hobbits from Hipsterville USA.

Michael Kornbluth

Masks Are The New Condoms, Not

Masks are the new condoms, not. I’d rather attend a Marti Gras parade in Brazil and flash my flap free Kosher grade schlong for some beads, without a mask on, than go bare backing with a gorgeous She-Male with 0.0 body fat on her stomach and legs, despite me getting a leg up on the competition before Bill Maher throws some anal beads into the mix.  Fine, Charlie Sheen is the sole source behind millions of page views on primoshemalemixes.com.

Michael Kornbluth

Google Can’t Handle The Truth

Google CEO Sundar Pichai says, “Google faces intense competition all time.” But Yahoo isn’t the new gunslinger in town anymore and Bing can’t match Google’s bling. Fuck, even Ask Jeeves failed to get much search love during the remains of its day.

But seriously America, if Google doesn’t futz with search results because they were caught on a red mike stating, they’d do everything in their power to make sure Hillary Hammer Time Cankles part 2 never happened. Then why is harder to find positive mentions of still your President Trump on Google, than it is to find a film blogger on Rotten Tomatoes who called the Irishman, “Underrated?”

Being a journeyman IT agency recruiter, Google CEO Sundar Pichai sounds like the typical H1-B candidate I’d hang up on 2 seconds into the call after they’d call me about a Java Developer ad on Dice.com. After my second child was born and had to resume my IT headhunting career for Robert Half after scoring my TV writing break with Vh1 and Vh1 Classic prior that year, my father in law, whose a successful SAP consultant refers me a candidate who was an H1-B, so you know he cares about hooking up his son in law because this candidate required subtitles in order to be understood. I would’ve had an easier time penning a Bollywood musical than a making a placement fee on fake news Silicon Alley millionaire.

Michael Kornbluth