Friday Night Hits

Int. Bakery
Stay At Home Comedian
How many Challahs do you sell every Friday?
Worker
3 to 5
Stay At Home Comedian
So next time my daughter asks how many Jews live in Somers.
I can say by Challah sales estimates. Because no fake news Jews are fronting.

Rachel Maddow downplaying Alec Baldwin getting arrested for punching a guy over a parking spot in in NYC. You’ve seen the Seinfeld episode. New Yorkers wait for parking spots longer than will have to wait to get a seat on the Supreme Court.

Tina Fey downplaying #AlecBaldwin getting arrested for punching a guy over a parking spot.

Alec is making toxic masculinity great again. Plus, I can’t tell him how to act in real life. Do I look like Kim Basinger to you?

It’s #LoveYourLawyerDay because divorce rates are through the roof because countless men refuse to have their opinions neutered at home in the pursuit of making their sex lives above average great again.

Hulk being welcome back to WWE with opens arms. Peter Thiel bending over backwards to compliment President Trump again. Baldwin freaking over a spot because he’s too cheap to use a garage. Johnny Depp looking worse than Hunter on his worst day, USA, USA.

#GoogleWalkOut
Do they have any idea how good they have it? You’re protesting what again? A private arbitration case, which was already settled. From a guy who invented the Android. Who created you jobs in the 1st place. Got it. Happy doodling.

Dave Chappelle & Jon Stewart are doing a comedy tour together. That’s adorable. Stewart opens. I do benefits for NY Cops. They love Trump, not so much Obama. Comedy Central felt the same when they resigned Trevor Noah for the foreseeable future.

A Joke Defense For Oprah.
Reporter for Breitbart asks Oprah. Was Seal lying about you knowing about Harvey? Oprah replies. No, fake news. But I did convince Harvey’s wife to leave him. To focus on her lifetime battle with Amnesia.

Never read articles from CNN ever. But this is too much. Trump took advantage of his role as commander chief. For ordering more troops to the border. Just like giving the PLO a gift package on your way out the door.

Maxine Waters downplaying Alec Baldwin hitting a guy over a parking spot in NYC.

It’s New York City, not Hollywood dear. Chances are, he was blasting Kayne too loud for Alec’s taste.

Downplaying Alec Baldwin getting arrested for punching someone over a parking spot in NYC.

In handcuffs, Baldwin boasts. Trump wishes he had wrists this thick.

Don Lemon downplaying Alec Baldwin getting arrested.
Fighting over a parking spot on the lower east side. Isn’t the white nationalist might driving election concerns this midterm season.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Birth of an American Dad

Once upon an asshole my dad used to be an asshole. Never to me personally. Outside the 1 time he pointed out how the penne vodka at Pizza and Brew was made with prosciutto ends after I only gave his green goddess essence Broccoli Penne Vodka a 9.

Dada added. Daddy isn’t a pescatarian. But when I cook for our family I am. So, excluding prosciutto ends to my penne vodka means I don’t have as much flavor flavorings working in my favor. Obviously, dada was a being a mini asshole oversharing with me like he tended to do back in the day.

In retrospect, Dada, should’ve just accepted my 9 rating of his penne vodka with blanched Broccoli green goddess essence and moved on with his life. Instead, of throwing the chef at Pizza Brew under the bus as we’re waiting outside our home sweet home. Hearing my bus coming.

Dada always waited for me by the bus, when we used to live in the beautiful hamlet of Croton Falls, NY. Right, off Route 22. You can drive on Route 22 throughout every bucolic hamlet from NY all the way up to Vermont into fake news socialist Bernie Sanders country.

I won’t apologize for making fun of Bernie Sanders. He didn’t make America great again. Plus, when we took a family spring break trip to Norway. Dada came back from a bar sampling some local Norwegian brew and was told by a bartender Bernie neve even stepped foot in the country for their annual smoked fish smear convention. Tremendous tap water, in the city of Bergen by the way. So, the beer quality was naturally Ithaca is gorgeous Ithaca Flower tap fantastic according to daddy.

Did you know only 2% of American children call their fathers daddy? We never had a normal American family. Mommy being from Australia originally and daddy being a stay at home comedian dad/native New Yorker from the rough section of Scarsdale, NY. That’s a joke obviously. All the Jewish kids who went to daddy’s Hebrew school were real pussies according to Daddy.

Daddy attended Edgemont High School. Which is right next door to suburban Scarsdale, NY. His friends braved going to Movieland to watch movies like New Jack City during the height of the Albanian Guido revolution. So, my daddy and his friends had pseudo tough guy bragging rights through osmosis in comparison.

You’re probably wondering, why I’m tossing around words like asshole and real pussies so loosely being a 27-year-old nationally syndicated comic strip illustrator and co-creator of Hear My Bus Coming. A comic strip that gave Dilbert creator Scott Adams, heart palpitations because it’s gotten so popular, daddy told President Trump to unfollow the creator of Dilbert, Scott Adams on Twitter. Because he’s an unfunny, low octane personality in comparison. Trump laughed. And unfollowed Scott Adams the next day, no questions asked.

Daddy predicted Ivanka would be president after Trump was done making ball busting without the hysterical, falling apart at the seam’s overtones great again. Daddy killed at the White House Correspondents Dinner. Still getting laughs out of making fun of Hillary Hammer Time Cankles. And her deleted emails about the yoga class coupons from Lulu Lemon and those others detailing funeral arrangements in case Chelsea’s Clinton’s fiancé increased his asking price at the last sec.

Yeah, so back to my liberal use of cursing. Understand, I only curse for emphasis the way daddy always did. Before his Do It All Dad Year Podcast blew up, got Gibson Guitar as a big time sponsor in addition to Lulu Lemon and an Israeli tech start up providing social media monitoring alerts for the FBI and NSA to thwart the surge of hate formation surging in the forms of all white nationalist, Neo Nazi Groups and of course radical Islam groups not too fond of our people either. At least, Farrakhan is having his wormy eyes being eaten by real life termites six feet under as we speak.

Farrakhan called Hitler a great man when he was alive. Not a great artist though obviously. Do you see Picasso ideating the swastika? When Daddy performed at the White House Correspondents Dinner, Dada said the swastika look like 2 stick figures doing a sixty on a see saw on Crystal Meth. Daddy is very funny. I couldn’t have done our nationally syndicated comic strip Hear My Bus Coming without his punchy might. Then again, daddy would also be screwed without my artist drawing supreme abilities. His handwriting till this day. No matter how hard he’s tried to improve still looks like Jared Leto with the shakes using a pen crazed glued to his stump arm in Requiem for a Dream.

Growing up, daddy always told us how heroin destroyed all the creative greats like Jerry Garcia and how it also led to premature deaths of other artistic giant personal favorites of his such as Janis Joplin and John Coltrane, Belushi included. Daddy showed me and my 2 brothers the movie Requiem for a Dream once a month from 10 through 17. Only to read us the druggy, brain raping destroyage tales from Allen Ginsburg’s landmark poem Howl for a night cap to nail his overkill message home. It worked. God bless daddy for not holding back in that instance time and time again.

So, I wasn’t a planned baby. Mommy was pregnant with me when she got married to daddy but barely showed. Technically, speaking I already traveled overseas to Australia for their honeymoon when I was only 180 days old. Customs in Australia thought mama was a Drug Mule. Patted her down and everything. Which I took personal offense to at the time. Daddy looked nothing like Leo from Beach back then. Especially since Leo’s looks took a nose dive off a cliff after draining his face dry from way too much booze fueled nose candy plagued nights according to daddy. Only hearing last call from the bathroom stall.

Daddy started his Do It All Dad Year Podcast to celebrate other do it all dads living the new remote work American dream. Which would make the focus less ego centric and help minimize his assholishness. It did. Daddy’s much smarter than Papa and Mimi ever gave him credit for. Before he became so big time with my assistance of course. Now, they can’t help but kiss his bum more than Uncle John’s. Not that Uncle John gave daddy much steep competition anymore in comparison. Still Uncle John made out alright. Becoming the VP of Expansion Sales for Shake Shack. Lots of expensing on the corporate account. Uncle John still doesn’t know the difference between a White Burgundy or a Polly Fume Sauvignon Blanc. But he never had dad’s flamboyant, shisshy bitch tastes or style either.

My baby brother Arthur is a world-famous architect who just built the 1st space model design for Trump Tower on Mars. Our youngest brother Samuel, AKA Chef Samuels continues to expand his restaurant empire of old school hip hop themed Pescatarian Gastro Pubs. With actual dance floors to get jiggy with it on called Hip Hops. Daddy gets 10 percent of the revenue for naming rights alone. Daddy always said headline hooker creation was one his few fortes.

Oh, and Mommy eventually got her PHD in Lactation and became an internationally acclaimed bestselling writer, with her book the Boob Doctor. Daddy got 10 percent of her book sales royalties based on his naming creation ability yet again. What, I never said, Dad overcame his assholishness altogether.

For my dad’s follow up book to the Stay at Home Comedian, Birth of a Pescatarian Comedian. The book cover says. Pescatarian Diet + Heaps of Funny Equals 1 happy family. And my family is living proof of it. It’s a tremendous honor to receive the Mark Twain prize for humor and for once my daddy let me do all the talking myself. All it took was winning the Mark Twain prize to shut the asshole up. Love you daddy. You became a stand-up mensch after all. I always knew you had it in you. Now give me another never ending hug. I never want this moment to end either.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Ex-Social Life Jokes/Deplorable Material

If Michael Has 3 I can handle 1 kid easy. If you had dragon blood roaring through your veins. Which you don’t obviously. You share joint custody with your wife for Christ sake. And you’re still in complete meltdown mode 24/7.

Tale of 2 Jakes

Want to catch the Knicks Nets game? I don’t think I can. I have to pick up Jake. So you want to blame your bitchy disposition toward being a father of 1 on me? Either you can hang or you can’t blow off bitch face.

Plus, your precious ex-social life involved videos smoking bombs with your phone at 11PM in the middle of work weeks. I think your 1 kid is better off without you spacing on being a dad again. And sitting on him like Christopher with the cat in the Sopranos.

If Michael Has 3 I can handle 1 kid easy. If you had dragon blood roaring through your veins. Which you don’t obviously. You share joint custody with your wife for Christ sake. And you’re still in complete meltdown mode 24/7.

Your Ex-Social Life Before pumping out 1 kid only was overrated. So you lived in Manhattan instead of New Jersey. Your gift of gab on beer or weed stinks regardless. Why else would you use EMOJI’s in IT recruitment sales on LinkedIn?

Get Over Your Ex-Social Life Going from 1 Phish show to the next in your run down RV. Had to wear on your lack of unique hippie cred after a while. Unless, you were selling Pimento grill cheese sandwiches I didn’t know about.

Only In America Baby
Wife says. You ‘re not allowed to explain what abortion is to my daughter. I’m a nurse who works with babies. This is my field of expertise. So you’re the abortion whisper now?
My sexually repressed text sent to a recruiter bud of mine on the train. The MILF has a soft, moist, plump mouth hot for immediate stuffage. No way she’s snagging a rock her size being a dead weight grazer. LOL indeed.

Int. Best Buy Worker You don’t like Lebron? Stay At Comedian Dad I respect his work ethic, God given ability and above average post season clutchness. And Charles Barkley is way more loveable and he hates on my Knicks 24/7.

Me on the phone with Robison Oil. My report says a “burner coupling broke?” Like when Chris Martin from Coldplay turned cold on Gwyneth Paltrow’s Kama Sutra moves after too many Kimchi taco Tuesdays became a family tradition.
My 7 Year Old Daughter Summing Me Up

You’re not a businessman daddy. What am I then Matilda? An underappreciated Podcast Host whose been Shadow Banned long time. You’re less annoying than Michael Savage.

 

Dad texts. I expected you to call us on Sunday per our conversation. My reply. Natalia was working all weekend. And I was busy with deplorable babysitter detail. It made me laugh.

 

By,

Michael Kornbluth

More Jokes Coming Out of Me

Me feeding into my kids white privilege.
The goat cheese, broccoli omelet was too tangy. I agree.
What does too tangy mean Dada? Too sour puss glum like the oppressed Heidi Cruz.

Lebron held a dunk contest at Staples last night? Does this make Lebron the King of Paper Dunk Champions now?

According to Stephen Hawking, there are forms of intelligent life out there. Take Kayne West for example.

Before Stephen Hawking died. He also said, “God never existed.” Hawking added. Watching Bill Maher’s doc Religulous is more anti-climatic for me than the Special Olympics. I prefer Ingmar Bergman films instead.

Married podcast couples exist now. As a form of Couples Therapy. These men aren’t forced to talk and hang out with their wives against their wills enough already, again and again?

Podcasting with my Daughter
What do you think of married couples podcasting together Dada?
I think mommy and Dad talk enough as it is.

I want to retire from podcasting now. Knowing married podcasting couples are getting thousands of more downloads than my Do It All Dad Year Podcast already. Why don’t you kiss me anymore? You couldn’t get into it on E too much either babe.

I really want to retire from podcasting. Knowing married podcasting couples are getting thousands of more downloads than my Do It All Dad Year Podcast. They discuss neighborhood gossip? So they get out of the house on date nights? I hate them all already.

Does a corporate mandate from Robison Oil exist? Insisting each Oil Technician claim every Boiler “is different?” Most companies in corporate America keep HR managers hidden in Boiler Rooms. Still chained to Baby Ruth machines, correct?

Me on the phone with Robison Oil. My report says a “burner coupling broke?” Like when Chris Martin from Coldplay turned cold on Gwyneth Paltrow’s Kama Sutra moves after too many Kimchi taco Tuesdays became a family tradition.

INT. Garage
Robison Oil Technician
Your Gauge Glass on your Boiler is rotted from too much leakage.
You see?
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
It looks like Freddie Krueger got the runs on it. Didn’t Jason end Freddie’s fist fucking reign of tear already?  I feel like Tom Green after Freddie Got Fingered fist fucked over his career.

Robison Oil Tech laughs long time.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

A + Joke Filler For My Book

Me encouraging my daughter’s Yoga Instructor ambitions.
Daddy, can I become a Yoga Instructor for a living? Hell yeah, you can open your own Yoga studio in Tribeca. Rocking the Warrior Pose with Madonna arms minus the camel toe drippage.

Just realized in the Last Jedi flick the “Rebels” are now called the “Resistance.” I guess ANTIFA can’t afford the same fancy pants costume designer afforded to a J.J Abrams blockbuster remake. Black hoodies from Target it is.

4 year old son makes me a smiling airplane in Pre-K in my honor. He says. I call it “High on Fatherhood Daddy.” Obviously, the Adderral gives you an extra lift. After a son’s booster love of course. I’m talking about myself now, daddy.

Revolutionary Idea
Prescribe Adderall to parents instead of the kids so they can focus on being better, more involved parents. But insist on drug testing in case the parents get carried away with the weed to calm their nerves like they did in college again.

Yoga Instructor Fever
Daddy, can I go to trade school for yoga? To become a Yoga Instructor. I won’t jerk you around. Mommy almost went to Masseuse school and avoided becoming Brenda from Six Feet Under. Thank God.

My 7-year-old daughter schooling me on drones.
Daddy, they have firefighter assistant drones.
They take pictures to show firefighters where it’s safe to go.
I know what I’m getting Angela Merkel for Kwanza Christmas.

According to Dr. Savage, there are toxins in underwater seafood which triggers Alzheimer’s. Riveting opener to your show Dr. Savage. Apparently, you wolfed down enough Shrimp Parm to recall what’s it like to be light-hearted funny ever again.

Daddy, Isabel and I are having a contest on who can marry Koby. You played basketball with him at the park remember? You mean the rapy, scowly kid in the hoodie? I’m all ears.

My 7-year-old daughter schooling me on drones.
Daddy, they have firefighter assistant drones.
They take pictures to show firefighters where it’s safe to go.
Dennis Leary’s brain is on fire with movie adaptation ideas for Rescue Me as we speak.

My 7-year-old daughter schooling me on drones.
Daddy, they have firefighter assistant drones.
They take pictures to show firefighters where it’s safe to go.
Even at Trader Joe’s? So, they don’t get bum rushed in December for Calendar week.

Wife
I don’t have to attend my nurse awards dinner tonight.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
It’s a celebration of your accomplishments.
Wife
But I’m never home for you.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
So I grow closer to our 3 children than you do as usual.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Jokes I Won’t Do in Manhattan Tonight

It’s time to lay off the Amazon Cloud. When your 4 year old son threatens to stab you in the heart 1st thing in the morning because you deny him instant gratification from his Futurama TV.

Astrology Off
Matilda, you got Einstein, George Washington. Arthur has Dr. King, Ben Franklin. Dammit Arthur is beating me already. Baby Samuel has Alice Cooper, Lincoln. I don’t like this game anymore daddy. Pisces are very competitive.

Int. Whole Foods
Barista
Is your baby always so chill?
Stay at Home Comedian Dad
He isn’t with her. Plus, his mommy isn’t an American Pyscho.
She’s originally from Australia. So that helps.

My 7 Year Old Daughter’s glimmers of Atheism.
Your baby brother’s new nickname is number 1 Capricorn. Plus, he stems from the 1st man on earth Adam. Daughter interjects. We all come from Apes Dada. Stop acting so evolved already Female Flash.

He’s So Happy Retort
My baby is already familiar with Bob Marley’s earlier work during his prime crooning pre-Concrete Jungle, chase those Crazy Baldheads out of town phase.

Unlikely post on LinkedIn.
I think God Gives Kids to Only The Lonely is obviously funnier and far less depressing than God Gives Kids to the Lonely. Agreed fake news funny commentators?

Int. Whole Foods
Stay At Home Comedian
Dad
Nice pin, All Good. I’m assuming Jeff Bezos gave you his pin number for his JP Morgan account. Assuming, you emote online about the muffled shrieks of despair on The Hand Maid’s Tale.

The baby is so happy. Old men hate him for it because my precious offspring highlights how loud and annoying their kids were growing up. Knowing their wives failed at making their kids any chiller on even a part time basis.

Daddy propping up Columbus.
Daddy, Columbus gave the Indians diseases. Pretty sure Charlie Sheen planted his seeds of destruction and gave his fair share away at the last AVN convention in Mohegan Sun. Nobody’s taken down Major League off Cinemax yet.

Michael Savage interviewing Ziggy Marley.
Studies prove excessive weed use lowers your sperm count.
Ziggy replies. My father had 12 kids. Fake news man.

Michelle Obama is class personified no doubt. As the ex 1st lady has she ever gone on record stating her 2 girls are composed, bright, celestial beams of light because she held them to higher social standards than ANTIFA? Just curious.

Bloomberg could’ve run against Trump the way Bernie did. So much for 2017 being the year for Atheist Jews.

Int. Pre-K
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I got Arthur’s mom to take all 3 kids to Delaware for a long weekend. So I can get my book proposal out already. And not be a bitchy, dependent, underling the rest of my life.

Int. Tavern
Older Woman
Your son is gorgeous. Your wife must be fetching in her own right.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
But her arm fat. Which my other 5 year old son points out at the dinner table. Weighs heavily on her overall bangability index score.

Michael Savage on Kayne
I’m sick to my stomach. This low life rapper debased the same desk I sat across from the President. Great work Savage. You’ve straddled the Imus, nappy headed you know what line out of pure ego driven jealously alone.

Memo to Dr. Savage
Your huffy, gruff, old man get off my oval office assessment of Kayne West makes me want to smoke weed again so I never end up sounding like you. Once, I’m done reading your book Stop Mass Hysteria. You’re so off the list.

Robert E Lee quote: “Slavery as an institution is a moral and political evil in any country.” But have fun with your pretend race war twitter twats. Last time I checked, Trump beat Hillary not Obama. Obama just introduced her at Jay Z rallies.

Me being an intentional dick to my wife.
Oh, baby Arthur said Baba to grandma.
That’s pretty miraculous because he’s only seen her 6 times so far max, correct?
Sorry, she’s done goonish to help me out.

Is any defeat of Penn State really a surprise now? Karma is in constant prevent feel good mode for Penn State football fans left, sorry.

Astrology Off Part Part 2
Matilda, you got Einstein, George Washington. Arthur has Dr. King, Ben Franklin. Baby Samuel has Alice Cooper, Lincoln. Dada’s got Van Gogh, Eddie Murphy. Daughter kicks me as my son throws change at my face.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Leftover Jokes This Week

Metal Pride in The House:
4 Year Old Son declares to his 7 Year Old Sister.
I’m Metal. You’re Lady Gaga.
Big Sis says. I’m Lady Gaga with Metallica. You’re the singer from Annie.

Do It All Dad Halloween Tip:
Stay inside and play dress up with your kids.
And hang up an ISIS flag outside your home to scare away other trick or treaters.

Working on Reframing
My wife isn’t emoting about my new nicknames for our kids. Jim Junior for our son Arthur Morrison Kornbluth if he’s rocking the leather. And Courtesy for Matilda after she makes 4 shots in a row. Because she lacks my nurturing touch.

Twitter can’t lock my account over this remark.
F you Trump for giving my tweet pic of 3 kids hugging flags inspired by your previous patriotic act goonish. Had a heart warming message to boot. Are you a fake news patriot like Bush hopping out of planes now.

Twitter can’t lock my account over this.
F you Trump, for giving my tweeted pic of my 3 kids hugging flags goonish. I’ve only ended 20 year friendships, formed hatred in my parents hearts & ruined any shot of ever getting a white collar interview again defending you.

F you Trump, for giving the tweet pic of my 3 kids hugging flags goonish. I’ve only ended 20 year friendships, formed hatred in my parents hearts & ruined any shot of ever getting a white collar interview again through my relentless support on your behalf. No big deal.

Int. Kitchen
Father of 3 cleaning when today is supposed to be my work day.
Wife
Are you done banging?
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
The cutting board I was cleaning slipped.
Was the aggressive clang too upsetting to bear?

Wife ruining smoke Sunday bagels.
The 1st bite of salmon was off. So I couldn’t enjoy the rest.
I feel the same way about your dad’s wedding speech and every time he’s opened his mouth since. You have a good sense of direction. We get it.

 

American Dad Note:
Never text pics of your flowering offspring hugging American Flags to unmarried buds in their early forties ever. No response is good enough. It’s too much forced passing reality to ingest in 1 take.

Husband
Dr. Savage says all the rampant feces and fleas in the streets of San Francisco can cause the next plague.
Wife
At least, you don’t listen to Rush Limbaugh.
Husband
His compound in West Palm Beach is huge. Your dad will co-sign on a loan, yay.

Working on My Reframing:
My wife assumed I was ordering her to make a hummus sandwich from scratch. After my daughter’s request to pack a picnic for their hike to the lake because of the pushy IT recruitment culture which shaped the man I am today.

Working on my Reframing:
Wife blanked on me making homemade hummus earlier this week because I’m not the only 1 with a listening problem. When she assumed I was ordering her to make a hummus sandwich from scratch for a picnic hike with the kids.

Husband
The Chinese have stolen 225 billion of intellectual property from us.
Wife
The Russians are just as bad.
Husband
Sure in like 1985 when slogans like “You Sunk My Battleship” ruled the commercial airwaves pre-fake news.
Daddy, Trump is older than Papa? Wow, papa looks awful compared to him. Having good hair helps. The root of papa’s hate for me is me making him bald prematurely. I’m sure of it.

Funny to think of Hillary as a former 1st lady anymore. I thought ladies could handle their wine and not require spill handlers. I bet Reese Witherspoon can balance Pride & Prejudice on her head after a bottle of white burgundy.

My 7 year old daughter talking down to her elitist grandmother like an unsophisticated deplorable. Strawberry Ice Cream is a baby ice cream flavor me-me.

Daddy, I’m bored with Rock and Roll. Eddie Van Halen does sound repetitive on a 12 minute version of Eruption. I agree.

Notes from new school lunch column Crazy, Good Daddy
I get up from our favorite table to get my small milk from the cafeteria. And Sharon complains again. You’re always disappearing on me. She sounds like Mama in 30 years flat.

Notes from new school lunch column Crazy, Good Daddy

Daddy, nobody likes raisins at school. And I mean nobody. Fine, I won’t give your classmates Barley Wine for Halloween.

Defending Masturbation
Blowing off your 3 grandchildren 355 days a year for more Whoopie on the View and Stormy Daniels money shot reveals on CNN and ABC is morally damaging.

Defending Masturbation
I’m supposed to believe Harvard Law benefits society more than my splendid iso jerks? The law students at Harvard Law banned Kavanaugh from teaching law there because he was deemed too aggressively prep schoolish.
The best thing about #Meto is that I can’t be accused of trying to force myself against my wife these days because I pass out after 2 minutes from being in her presence again. Regardless if high octane IPA’s are in my system or not.

Daddy, Shannon says. “The problem with being vegetarian, is you don’t get enough protein.”  Challenge Shannon to an arm wrestle in the cafeteria. You’ll break her argument in 2. Sounds too over the top Dada.

Trump’s the Anti Christ. But Jesus returns to defeat the Anti Christ. So have some faith in the Jesus comeback story people. Actually, had to Google Anti-Christ. Thinking, Pig Vomit calls Howard it. So it can’t be that bad.

Int. Pizzeria
Trump is a bad guy bro! If you don’t agree. We can’t talk no more. Ivanka Trump is going to President in 2024. But don’t stop resisting. But Ivanka’s some Fallen Angel hell bent on getting back at daddy.

Daddy, would Trump hug this flag? Thank you for capturing the essence of who our President is at his core in the most innocent hued, patriotic laced inquiry ever, USA, USA!

Daddy, did you know Shannon never sees her parents? Her grandparents look after Shannon and her brothers all the time. Shannon barely utters a peep. Her grandparents must be borderline catatonic.
The Howard Stern Private Parts flick loses its white washed moral heft decades later knowing Howard dumped Alison in the end for you know who. Also, Dice ages a tad better than Howard because he isn’t nearly as grandstanding moralizing.

Jay Mohr doesn’t project the same amount of gravitas I recall in Jerry Maguire anymore. And Tom Cruise’s chompers are enormous. Last, fuck Orlando Bloom for ruining Cameron’s Crowe’s killer hot streak.

Daddy, why doesn’t mommy ever got to Church? She’s still Christian right? She worships mother nature instead and the Whole Foods Quinona salad bar offerings a tad more. It’s a scared mother grain of the Incas for a reason.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

Will You Convert My Son or Not Rabbi?

Will you convert my son or not Rabbi?
And have you ever held a real job? You went to Rabbinical School, got to 2nd base at sleep away camp & did a Masada teen tour of Israel to go all the way and you haven’t looked back since. Correct?

Will you convert my son or not Rabbi?
And does the 3 grand membership fee come with some free pills of Adderall to get my kids through your 3 hour services? Just curious.

Will you convert my son or not Rabbi?
Knowing I fell asleep during a Holocaust survivor talk in my Alternative School during Senior Slump? The weed I smoked back then wasn’t even that strong. But I’m off the weed for now. Can we talk?

Will you convert my son or not Rabbi?
At home we keep a Pescatarian household. You’ve heard of the Pescatarian diet right, Rabbi? Veggies, fish, plenty of cheese. You know the original super Jew Jesus diet? Don’t tense on me now Rabbi.

Will you convert my son or not Rabbi?
Will the lawyer class at your temple resent my six foot four height and larger than life comedic stature? If you meet a gentile who says I hate Jackie Mason. Do you write them off as automatically Anti-Semitic?

Will you convert my son or not Rabbi?
And do any Persian girls go to Hebrew school here to make my daughter feel less self-conscious about her sudden flowering of bushy leg hair at 7?

Will you convert my son or not Rabbi?
And have you seen the new Woody Allen film? Where some guy your age bangs some underage girl. It’s a prequel called Crimes and Misdemeanors, The Early Years.
Will you convert my son or not Rabbi?
And will my wife get even nastier stares from the skinnier wives once she takes up the treadmill again?

Will you convert my son or not Rabbi?
And if Jews believed in hell. Would it be buried in the woods in Hillary Time Cankles backyard?

Will you convert my son Rabbi or not?
We still have to draw blood. From my son’s Pecker Wood? You can’t call it a schlong till you become a man after your Bar Mitzvah. Isn’t that right Rabbi?

Will you convert my son or not Rabbi?
And what’s God’s stance on open marriages? Assuming you’re not a sneaky Jew carrying on affairs of the heart behind her back? Anybody, Mueller, Mueller.

Will you convert my son Rabbi or not?
We still have to draw blood? From his future life shooter. Got it. A licensed physician does it. The ritual has real meaning for him. Sure it puts some extra shekels in his pocket to pay off his student loans to.

Will you convert my kid or not Rabbi?
What if I told you my kid looks like a baby Trump? With the full set of hair. I could’ve have said Richie Rich but that reference is more dated than Yiddish. Right Rabbi? You’re Gen X aren’t you?

Will you convert my son or not Rabbi?
Will your congregation really accept my baby boy as a real deal Jew in his chosen blond Jesus curls? I can sell a lock of them for 5 grand a pop on Chinese EBay if I wanted to.

Will you convert my son or not Rabbi?
Assuming I pass on paying your 3 grand membership fee and 2 grand Temple maintenance costs for just entering the building. No wonder Catholics have so much leftover for donations.

Will you convert my son Rabbi or not?
We still have to draw blood. From my son’s Pecker Wood? But if it’s only a prick. He’ll still have 50 percent Gentile left. I don’t get it.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

Birth of a Pescatarian Comedian

I didn’t have much of a choice. Girlfriend now wife pitches. I’ll let you raise our future kids Jewish if we raise them pescatarian. Jesus was the original super Jew, sold.

Scientifically, the Pescatarian Diet has been proven to be the healthiest diet for guys who’d rather nosh on primo smoke salmon than burp up fish oil supplement residue.

The Pescatarian diet is like the Mediterranean Diet. Without fussing over whether you fry up your Greek Omelette in butter over olive oil compared to your little Greek Landlord. Who doesn’t have much leanage in his favor.

If I dare to cook a lamb burger at home. My kids yell yuck, yuck. So I outshine mommy in the kitchen with my Mexican Lasagna mixed with my homemade salsa on top of corn tortillas so my wife feels beneath me.

My wife can’t hide her dejected disgust whenever the 1st bites of my veggie casserole supreme prompt my kids to launch into their fabled yummy dance. Whizzing around the room yelling best daddy ever, best daddy ever.

Complex Carbs like whole grain animal crackers suck. If it tastes like shit, it’s shit. Nothing complex to comprehend here.

Arugula greens take my late night grill cheese sessions higher. Plus, the next morning I don’t feel so bitter about my mom raising a fat fuck on pure P&J’s alone.

My anti-oxidant rich kids never get sick. Unless my parents just wrapped up their annual visit. Apparently, good strawberries and baby spinach are harder to find in Scottsdale, Arizona than fat MILFs.

I’m a smoothie no hemp powder lover. Hemp Powder is Indigo Girls performing naked gross. Trust me.

No Peanuts at school. One of the kids is allergic. No Snoopy shirts either? Arthur loves his snoopy shirt where Snoopy is sporting an Uncle Sam hat. Let me guess. It’s too military recruiter pushy for the parents taste.

There’s a kid allergic to peanuts. So sorry. Arthur isn’t itching to watch a Charlie Brown Thanksgiving again either. Or he’ll break down into non-laughing hysterics.

Agave isn’t so sweet like my mother in law. It’s no wow worthy sub for honey. Agave is like Sammy Hagar’s tequila. It goes down Van Halen light. Got it good.

In defense of fish, you’re gross for ever admitting to liking Pop Tarts Jim Gaffigan. Fun Dip packs more hefty flavor. Your joke servings are so edgy, edgy, edgy.

Greek Yogurt has double the protein of regular yogurt. So that’s why my little Greek landlord can bench press twice his weight easy.

Jenna Jameson does the Kito diet good. She’s dropped crazy weight. Plus, Jenna was a real porn star. Calling Stormy Daniels one is like relegating Lexington Steele to a mere sideline freak.

This old daddy likes it raw. Red bell peppers dipped in homemade ranch is healthier than dipping into murkier, old dirty ho traps at the club.

Cauliflower or cat piss? That is the question. Before you cook it of course.

So you give up chicken parm for shrimp parm. Rocky gave up egg and cheeses when he trained to fight Apollo. You are what you eat fellas. So are you chicken shit or not?

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Daddy Isn’t Pescatarian

Int. Dinner Table
Daughter
Are you eating meat?
Daddy
Sake Steamed Chicken with ginger and scallions.
Son
But daddy we’re Pescatarian.
Daddy
Daddy isn’t Pescatarian. I’ll drink another sake bomb to that.

Int. Dinner Table
Daughter
Are those meat tacos?
Daddy
Duck tacos actually.
Son
But daddy we’re Pescatarian.
Daddy
Daddy isn’t Pescatarian.
Duck skin doesn’t count.
Hipster cred beckons.

Int. Dinner Table
Daughter
Are you eating meat?
Daddy
Cheese steak to be exact.
Son
But daddy we’re Pescatarian.
Daddy
Daddy isn’t Pescatarian.
I’ve got semi-sharp provolone left to put some hair on your nuts.

Int. Breakfast Table
Daughter
Is that sausage?
Daddy
Turkey Sausage actually.
Son
But daddy we’re Pescatarian.
Daddy
Daddy isn’t Pescatarian.
And I was eating Turkey Burgers in LA before Jeremy Piven on Entourage.

Int. Dinner Table
Daughter
Is that a Field Roast from Whole Foods?
Dad
Traditional meatloaf with added veal meat for extra supple filling.
Son
But daddy we’re Pescatarian.
Daddy
Daddy isn’t Pescatarian.
Resist this.

Int. Dinner Table
Daughter
Are you eating meat?
Daddy
Stir Fried, Hunan Beef.
Son
But daddy we’re Pescatarian.
Daddy
Like the original super Jew Jesus Christ. Good for you.

Int. Dinner Table
Daughter
Are you eating chicken?
Daddy
Fragrant Crispy Chicken.
Son
But daddy we’re Pescatarian.
Daddy
Daddy isn’t Pescatarian.
Doesn’t smell so yuck, yuck, anymore. Does it?
Int. Dinner Table
Daughter
Are you eating chicken?
Daddy
Soy Sauce Chicken Wings.
Son
But daddy we’re Pescatarian.
Daddy
Daddy isn’t Pescatarian.
We ran out of blue cheese.
Carrots in Sun Butter instead?

Int. Dinner Table
Daughter
Are you eating chicken?
Daddy
Beggar’s Chicken.
Son
But daddy we’re Pescatarian.
Daddy
Daddy isn’t Pescatarian.
You want to dance for a nibble?

Int. Dinner Table
Daughter
Are you eating chicken?
Daddy
Oyster Chicken.
Son
But daddy were Pescatarian.
Daddy
Daddy isn’t Pescatarian.
I’ll save some Oyster sauce. You can dip my scallions in it.

Int. Dinner Table
Daughter
Are you eating chicken?
Daddy
Actually, Cantonese Pressed Duck.
Son
But daddy we’re Pescatarian.
Daddy
Daddy isn’t Pescatarian.
And I’ve been ducking this dish for years

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth