Do It All Dad Does Cherry Picking

INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON

Do It All Dad

I’m in London because my wife got tickets to see Bjork for her birthday. I wanted to see the Shrieking Seals personally.

You want to make a guy limp? Reference, “your husband”, and admit to only watching the Super Bowl for the commercials.

Bill and Hillary got booed at a Billy Joel show at MSG. Because Bill Joel’s greatest hits are prized as lullaby music for eighties Republicans.

The birthrate for NY is at an all time low. Lena’s Dunham’s encouraged frumpy look on Instagram isn’t helping. Overweight hipsters are also pulling out prematurely from excessive meat sweats.

How has my life changed since I became a Dad? Drinking alone is no longer an issue.

How has my life changed since I’ve become a dad? I don’t have panic attacks anymore. Now I’m a bigger believer in God knowing God didn’t give me 3 unplanned kids to have a panic attack over it. God didn’t have the same confidence in you obviously.

How has my life changed since I became a Dad? I’m no longer friends with my Dad on Facebook because since retiring to Scottsdale, Arizona, 3 grandchildren later, he doesn’t do the cold anymore. Now he just beats it to the Weather Channel. My dad’s tennis instructor in Arizona, claims, my dad’s forehand has never been stronger.

Who vapes in their thirties? My douche bag brother-in-law who took 7 years to never graduate college does. My brother in law is like Van Wilder minus the degree and rich Dad.

When the Lakers lose to the Clippers in the playoffs this year, Obama will be crushed. Consoling himself with a bunch of Almond Joys in his man cave in Martha’s Vineyard, hid behind the box of duct tape from Costco. Joan lives

Hillary wants to retire Trump. Wasn’t Hillary the out of touch, older than dirt windbag, who couldn’t even make it to Wisconsin to campaign for the founders of the Onion to push the fake news Russian collusion story on her behalf , also?

Hasbro, who also owns Barbie after buying Mattel just bought Death Row Records. That’s a smart PR move, knowing Snoop Dog’s brain hovers a notch below porn hood hell. Is Old E now, Ken’s ho sprayer of choice?

Hasbro just bought Death Row Records after merging with Mattel. The new CEO of Hasbro is a Trump follower on Twitter. The new mission statement for the company is F the PC Police. He offered Kayne West the job of Creative Play Officer.

Jumping the shark would be Hasbro renaming Lincoln Logs, over cries of racism. The CEO of Hasbro proposes renaming them Obama Logs. A Trump supporter executive interjects, “But in his youth, Obama studied the Koran under a tent in Kenya.”

20 minutes later, the bartender still hasn’t asked for my drink order. The sexy black sisters I was flirting with at the bar ask me, “What took so long?” I say, ” I’m white privilege incarnate. It’s the price I must pay for being 1st in line for everything.”

I think it’s great you’re still doing comedy at your age is a backhanded compliment. In other words, “It takes courage to pretend you’re funny enough to make it as a comedian, 2 decades after you wrote your 1st Friends spec script.”

If love is all you need Sir Paul, then why do I shove off my beautiful, fuss free son as a whole, whenever he crowds me too much on the couch again? I shouldn’t love old school Arliss episodes on HBO Go this much.

Michael Kornbluth

Slow Poke Tim

Tempting line of attack against my mother in law next time she forces my kids to say grace in our home. Rosa, Jews, do grace in Hebrew. Also, care to tell God and my kids why you hit your daughter in Australia because you couldn’t handle being a stay at home mom in Austraila, fondling Avocado’s the size of Babar’s nut sack.

EXT. EVERYDAY DINER

Do It All Dad

Kids, there’s no whimpering in album trading talks involving American Idiot for Joan Jett & The Blackhearts, alright.

INT. ITALIAN REST.

Random Retired Black Guy

Been on TV?

Do It All Dad

Blind Date, all I got out of it was a free meal and herpes.

Random Retired Black Guy laughs longtime.

Disney owns ABC, whose now in the pedophile protection business. What should we call Disneyland now, the Happiest Comet Pizza Chain on earth?

INT. MONSTER MINI GOLF PARTY ROOM

Random Mom addresses my 2 year old boy.

Random Mom

It looks like you enjoy cake?

Do It All Dad

Too bad your fun hole tastes like medium grade Sashimi, I’m assuming. If I don’t want to devour you whole.

England shitting in their knickers.

Random bloke at the pub says, “Turkish President Erdogan says, he’ll send 3.6 million refugees to Europe if the EU doesn’t provide aid to Turkey mate.”

Mate replies, “Now that’s using leverage. Did Trump slip Erdogan a signed copy of Art of the Deal or what?”

INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON

Do It All Dad

Unplanned parenthood, let’s talk about it 3 direct hits later. I’ve aged well I know. Despite my wife bemoaning. I’ve sacrificed. She acts like an aspiring comedian in his late 20’s wanted kids ever.

INT. DELI NY

State Trooper

Trump isn’t perfect.

Do It All Dad

He’s made ball busting great again. What’s there not to love about that?

NY State Trooper laughs long time.

INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON

Do It All Dad

Unplanned parenthood happens, when you’re a stoner who forgets to ask whether your companion is on the pill because it makes her nauseous. But God didn’t give me 3 kids to have a panic attack about it. Obviously, he never had the same confidence in you.

INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON

Do It All Dad

Ziggy Marley being interviewed by High Times. Your dad had 7 kids. Doesn’t ganja drain your life shooter dry? Fake news man.

A school in England banned tag, encouraging kids to play with, “gentle hands.” Does Prince Charles do hand model demonstrations in class? Claiming with shameless glee, “Never worked a day in my life. It’s good to be Prince of Wales.”

Did God bring a cat in our home to wane me off Internet porn for good? Because nobody wants to whip it out again, drunk, on the opposite side of the couch of Pet Sematary, thinking, “Cats are colorblind anyway, this should murky up it’s vision.”

Any Baby Boomer really. Can’t you play some Dylan? This music is sad. You mean Chet Baker, the king of west coast cool Jazz? Whatever, it’s sad music. I don’t even know how we’re related. Your shoulders collapsing when we hug gave you away pops.

My wife wearing her atheism on a sleeve. Daughter says. Truth or Dare? What do you like better, wine or Flake Chocolate? Wife says, Flake. I reply. And Judd Apatow is the chief happiness officer for Brietbart.

Debra Messing blasting the View for letting Don Junior on. His family assaulted our country. You’re assaulting my ears, with your tone deaf dumb dialogue devoid of any punchy, fabulous flourish your Will and Grace Writer’s poop in their sleep.

After my 3 kid was born, my younger brother uses a photo of them together for his new Facebook profile photo. Over Thanksgiving, I say, “I’m thankful for my baby brother stealing my weed, adderall and my life. Because I look better in comparison.”

INT. CAR

Do It All Dad

Photon was like a poor man’s Laser Tag. I never played Photon with Uncle John because mimi & papa only bought one blaster for me.

Daughter

But you had friends then who didn’t care about you supporting Trump.

INT. ITALIAN REST.

Retired Black Guy

I like that one better.

Do It All Dad

One more, this is Russell Simmons on Gayle King. Read my lisp. I didn’t rape any of those vengeful, over the hill ho’s.

Retired Black Guy laughs longtime.

INT. TOY SHOP-CT

Do It All Dad

This is me on Christmas when my daughter was 4. Jida got you a toy chest with no toys in it. When we get back home to NY, will fill it with your 8000 Hanukkah gifts.

Toy Shop owner laughs long time.

INT. HOME

Daughter

Do people eat Mermaids?

Do It All Dad

No, but Neil Young eats out Daryl Hannah now because he’s in the midst of a post middle age, never banged a Mermaid crisis.

A school in England banned tag because it was deemed too rough. For now, England will stick to chasing Conservative Talk Show hosts from entering the country by banning the likes of Michael Savage. Piers get’s a pass because he failed in America.

Kids in England can’t play tag anymore because Tiny Tim identifies as Slow Poke Tim. Aren’t cries of hate speech considered fake news in your country when Mustafa tags Tiny Tim, yelling, “You’re It Infidel.”

Michael Kornbluth

The House That Gentrification Built

AOC hating on Brooklyn hipsters. Williamsburg is Disneyland for Hipsters. It used to be, Miss Yorktown Heights, but this was ages ago, back when Lena Dunham had much skinnier arms and wasn’t so full of herself.

Now AOC doesn’t want white hipsters dancing on the same steps as the Joker did because they’re in the boogie down Bronx. Stop acting like an old school g AOC, who threw batteries at Jim Rice before the House of Gentrification was built, Miss Yorktown Heights.

Kayne West for President in 2024? Boy, would that piss Obama off. He made Jesus Walks, ain’t never going to hell. Kim passed the bar. Criminal Justice Lawyers are so hot right now.

Joe Rogan blasting the practice of Trans athletes competing against woman. They’re shattering every record. Men never come out as Trans Girl Athletes. Would you want your daughter trading blows with a Cyborg with tits in the Octagon?

What’s going to be Bloomberg’s campaign slogan exactly? I’ll work for free also. I’ve already bled Wall Street with my overpriced Bloomberg terminals for all their worth.

Facebook removed all articles mentioning the whistle blower’s identity. Like Hillary’s people are going take him out like Epstein, resister, twitter twats please.

University of Florida students want the student body president impeached over the Don. Jr. visit. Since, when do students there care about anything but pounding Coors Light? Because they’re easy to pound like yenta’s from Long Island on Spring Break.

Stephen King proving why he’s overrated. “Everybody knows Trump is dumb as a fence post.” Are you filling out stadiums for readings of Pet Sematary? Despite your 5.2 million Twitter followers sounding like hysterical cat ladies 24/7.

INT. HOME

Wife

Will have to get another gift for the birthday party.

Do It All Dad

I’ll have to get another gift for the party because I can’t rely on my wife to read the fine print on Evite’s while I’m trying to make the universe laugh for a living.

ABC is preparing a series inspired by female Obama staffers. Does Valerie Jarrett count, knowing she actually lives with him now? You know, the main drafter of the Iran Deal, Obama’s Arabian Horse Whisperer. Now, that’s funny Roseanne.

My wife failing at being empathetic. So, you only have 1 full day to work next week. When you start making more money, we can hire help for the baby. You’re still not getting the kids ready during morning’s you can help anyway babe.

My mother in law used her fake news cancer scare to guilt her daughter into getting her Jew blood tainted granddaughter baptized. Before I meet Jesus, get my granddaughter baptized. Don’t let your Jew demon husband cock block her way into Heaven.

De Blasio insists anti-cop sentiment is a right wing conspiracy. Because becoming a face of a sanctuary city for 8 million people, means you have law and order’s back in addition to actual American citizens no matter what.

De Blasio insists anti-cop sentiment is a right wing conspiracy. Because doing dick to stop entitled Generation Z, Subway Skipper Riders to punch cops for enforcing the law gives that impression putz breath.

NY Post, stop with the Knicks had no choice but to trade KP. You always have a choice, Sean Spicer’s choice of dance partners at the Sky Bar in West Hollywood, not so much.

Amber Heard requested her ex Johnny Depp submit to a mental health evaluation. Hunter did say it best. Actors like to hang out with me because of my gun collection. Actors like to play with guns.

Smoking weed became a mental strain once my daughter started asking super hard questions to answer on it. Daddy, if God created the universe, who created God? God went back in time, in a time machine made by Elon Musk. Thanks for making me an atheist at 4 dad.

Michael Kornbluth

Paul, Was No Mate Of Mine

Steven Tyler unloading on a fan for sitting at a show. I know you can’t afford a million dollar a day cocaine habit, but Live On The Edge a little bit bitch.

How much did Lennon hate McCartney for shaming him into becoming a stay at home dad, for his 2nd kid Sean after the release of Hey Jude? 2 weeks into his stroller ride routine through Central Park, Lennon yells, “Choke on a fucking cucumber scone Paul.”

Eric Clapton on John Lennon asking him to join the Beatles. “I was flattered kind of, but, my 1st question was, “Do you really hate George that much? So he wrote My Guitar Gently Weeps, get over it already mate. Or you’re worse than pussy willow Paul.”

British royals threatening ABC News. If you run the Prince Andrew, Epstein, why can’t we remain friends story, will cancel your interview with Prince William and Kate Middleton. And he’s the only tie left to Diana Americans give 2 shits about.

INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON

Do It All Dad

I get confused for Hugh Grant on stilts because I only cruise for bearded black hookers at the circus.

University of Minnesota Students can’t name a single Democratic accomplishment. Outside of making MS 13, ISIS and radical jihadists in US Congress as the new face of the Democratic Party. Also, they made clear due process is off the list.

The NY Times stock falls as ad revenue shrank. You mean ads for ANTIFA Halloween costumes, ISIS religious scholars 101 workshops at the 92nd Y and Planned Parenthood toxic masculinity blockers aren’t keeping the paper of record in the black?

You can’t name the name of the Whistle Blower? You’ll endanger his life. Why, is ANTIFA playing for the other side now? After forsaking the dark side from repeat viewings of Jedi. I don’t get it.

Kimmel on the new Don Junior book. He attacks Mueller, Bush, the liberal media. Basically, all our fake news heroes suffering from delusions of grandeur. Sorry people, I haven’t felt this dejected since Sarah Silverman’s snatch started to smell like cat nip.

Mom asks, “Is Arthur still enjoying his chess class?” I reply, “Yes, Samuel is still enjoying his chess class. Just like President Trump he isn’t tired of winning yet.” Now, I’m out of the will for certain but it was worth it.

 

Buckingham Palace threatening ABC over spotlighting Prince Andrew’s ties to Epstein. Prince Andrew is a clean cut lad. It’s not like the time when we had to take out Diana because because she couldn’t control her Kabob fever.

Will Hillary run? She can’t even power walk to the Late Show with Colbert without her bladder breaking. Why else do you think she shows her fat ass in public, with those asexual built in diaper ready, druid burkas from Dune?

A tree fell on  a trick or treater in Westchester County. Where was pops, blocking the tree like a line drive foul ball at Citi Field? Talk about dropping the ball. Was pops dressed as Bill Buckner for Halloween or what?

Michael Kornbluth

Low Class Long Island Hacks

Someone got stabbed to death for cutting in line for a Popeye’s chicken sandwich as the Grim Reaper yells, “No chicken sandwich for you.”

The MAGA hat is equivalent to a Nazi cap? I thought skin heads wore their shaved heads out in public for a reason. If a Nazi really wants to show his true colors, he’ll rock a black hoodie and attack peaceful Trump supporters in the name of love.

Meghan McCain on Rand Paul. I hate Rand Paul. He’s so much more upfront about his libertarian stances than my father was. Who cares if his doctor was 1st in his class and mine last. My daddy sniffed more than hair with his boy Biden.

Mexico, denied Trump’s offer for war against the cartels after the recent massacre against Americans. Too bad, Trump isn’t a crackhead, scheming demon who thinks winning favor at Bill Maher’s party up in the hills, is worth the one million dollar donation.

A University of Florida professor banned the use of the term “illegal immigrant.” Because he didn’t want to offend the student body there, knowing how calling English their 1st language is debatable, despite their blond on blonde, white white privilege.

The Mayor of London is considering decriminalizing cannabis to cut crime. I’m sure Mustafa will chill on the acid attacks if he could be allowed to puff the hashish pipe 6 times a day on the West End next time he wants to assimilate with Sam Mendes fans.

Another tempting text reply to send my mother. Check out the New York Times gift guide for baby Samuel. I don’t read the NY Times anymore mom. But you’re a good Christian, converted Jew, for forgiving the NY Times for giving you false hope again.

Scorsese on action hero films again. I was offered the Joker, which isn’t your typical action hero franchise. But I was too busy keeping Dinero’s pierced ego afloat. Plus, it’s been two decades since Casino, so Pesci is well rested.

INT. WINE SHOP

Worker

What did you do for Halloween with the kids?

Do It All Dad

Mommy gave the kids the option of getting sushi in case of a rain out. They opted for the sushi. Bribing our kids with Sushi, can make Halloween great for parents again.

INT. HOME

Wife

I’ll cancel my dinner plans then.

Do It All Dad

Today is my one full day of work. All I asked after my sigh, was for 24 hours advance notice. But you don’t respect my time or work. You really bring out the best in me babe.

Me getting an email back from a big time talent management company. I never heard of this guy. He wants to try doing a one man show on the road. No try asshole, only doing the American heartland with A list gemry you’ll never hear on Kimmel long time.

What target demographic does Bernie think he’s snagging by having Baby Face Omar speak at his rallies? Outside of the 1 percentage point of Jews who hate their Trump supporting mothers that much. Was that too NY Jewish for your taste Ted?

You want the government to fact check news based opinion pieces Cuban? Reality update Cuban, you don’t need a fact checker to know instinctively whose a crybaby loser nerd.

What do you say to your wife’s best friend’s husband, next time you’re forced to see him, knowing he lied to your wife? Insisting he sent you a thank you note for the bourbon you gave him to celebrate his newborn kind of love. You married a bigger bitch.

Tempting conversation to have with the wife. How was Brooklyn? Checked Facebook, Matt never sent me a thank you note for the bourbon I dropped off at the hospital in honor of his new and only baby boy. Long Island hacks have zero class.

Michel Kornbluth

Jackass of Islam

The Mayor of London is considering decriminalizing cannabis to cut crime. I’m sure Mustafa will chill on the acid attacks if he could be allowed to puff the hashish pipe 6 times a day on the West End next time he wants to assimilate with Sam Mendes fans.

Neil Young left his wife of 35 years for Daryl Hannah. Because he’s going through a dying of the light, never banged a mermaid crisis. Drilling for fracking isn’t his cup of tea. When he gives her facials, he calls it acid rain.

There’s actually a soundtrack for 13 Reasons Why on Vinyl. If you play it backwards, it says, “Sell your soul to Apple and the Chinese like Trent Rezner. He doesn’t sound so suicidal anymore these days, does he?”

I’m not joking. There’s actually a soundtrack for 13 Reasons Why on Vinyl. If you play it backwards, it says, “Trump is wrong, suicide is for winners like Hunter S. Thompson who don’t believe in pleasing God like Tim Tebow.”

I’m serious. If you play the record 13 Reasons Why backwards it also says, “Joker is laughing all the way to the bank”, “At least your dad never cut off your wedding speech at your younger brother’s wedding, three grandchildren blessed later.” Or, “At least your coke head younger brother doesn’t call you a loser after you write for TV twice, write 2 books and produce 3 fuss free kids.”

Who can trust Trump’s America Economist? The stock market, the electoral college, MAGA Hat Vendors at Trump rallies, sending their kids through college already.

INT. BARNES & NOBLE

Do It All Dad

Do parents ask you for books about eco-anxiety?

Worker laughs.

Worker

I met a 10 year old girl scared of the rain.

Do It All Dad

If kids were reared on Andrew Dice Clay records, they wouldn’t be so temperamental.

Barnes and Noble worker laughs long time.

Aaron Sorkin says Zuckerberg is “assaulting truth” by allowing political ads to appear on his website. Wah, wah, wah Sorkin’s crying. Because Martin Sheen isn’t a better president than Trump in real life. And Jeff Daniels isn’t even Tucker Carlson.

Signs times are changing.

Mama says. The Washington Post called the leader of ISIS, a religious scholar. NPR would’ve called him a burnout hashish head, suffering from Trump in charge now anxiety max.
How would I sum up manhood in the age of #MeToo Harper’s Magazine? You can look, actually stop eye fucking me to death with your eyes. Only stare at me with VR Goggles, because I know your eyes are occupied with artificial objectification.

How would President Pence lead Newsweek? I’d say, issue an executive exorcism but you don’t believe in God or have a soul left to save. But Pelosi’s district in San Francisco is progressive paradise ushering in a new poop hopscotch rush as we speak.

Everything you need to ace American History in one big fat notebook today. Let me guess, Indians didn’t torture, rape or scalp infidels until ISIS showed them on YouTube how the big boys on the varsity squad got it done.

Facebook allowing “Make America Great Again” ads got Trump elected? I thought it was because 63 million branded racists didn’t want their children to grow up in Obama’s America where ISIS went viral and GDP growth was slower than Joe Biden after a lobotomy.

Sheryl Sandberg on political ads with Katie Couric.

It’s 2019 Katie, nobody is influenced to vote from political ads on Facebook. Blog posts, which are pro Trumpian are coded as hate speech as way to discourage fact dissemination.

Sheryl Sandberg on political ads with Katie Couric again.

Political ads only represent 1 percent of our revenue.

Couric replies.

Fine, care to comment on how digital currency hides pedo trails on the dark web with greater efficiency bitch?

Sheryl Sandberg on political ads with Katie Couric again.

We don’t fact check Political ads. We just make it uncomfortable for paid off Trump supporter actors to defend their integrity. Baby Boomers hate how much the Trump kids have their shit together.

Sheryl Sandberg on political ads with Katie Couric one last time.

We don’t think the Russian are interfering with our elections. We do think Diamond and Silk are too southern sassy sharp, for Tom Arnold to handle in a sparring of wits, has been resistor lesbian.

Bill Maher interviewing Ronan Farrow.

With Harvey Weinstein still free, Cos still claiming innocence, do you feel all the awards showered on you will be relegated as mere participation trophies within the annals of history?

Signs the times really are changing.

Mama says.

The Washington Post called the leader of ISIS, a religious scholar? Even NPR called him too extreme for Al-Qaeda.

Do It All Dad replies.

They should’ve called him the Jackass Of Islam then.

Michael Kornbluth

White Hipster Supremacists

Trump changed his permanent residence to Florida because a sanctuary city who changes the name of the rink he turned around in Central Park is overrated. Can we start blaming the winner repellent culture of New York City on De Blasio yet?

Met a groovy, hot Deadhead gal at the Capital Theater in Port Chester, NY last night for a Dark Star Orchestra Grateful Dead set from 72. Won’t do anything about it. Still, I wanted to inhale her whole on the spot. I’d explode at tip off, singing, “Sunshine daydream, you’re my sexual healing.”

Why is the trans community freaking out over the song Dude Looks Like Lady? Steven Tyler turns the other cheek and takes a peek, proclaiming with surging lust, “Oh, what a funky lady, and “I like it, like it, like it yeah.” So did Richard Pryor.

Trevor Noah on Sean Spicer’s conservative support from Breitbart on Dancing With Stars. He obviously can’t dance. Why must conservatives ruin Howard Stern’s favorite show with Beth over Turkey Burgers? At least Jeff Ross, didn’t take himself so seriously.

Trevor Noah failing to show any comedic killer instincts. So how did you get away with killing Epstein? Crowd laughs. Then, he fails to say. But I’m sure your husband’s 37 documented trips on Lolita Express were mere money grabs for the Clinton Foundation. And the only thing Bill grabbed for on Lolita Express all those times was for more carrot dips in Kimchi Aioli.

Deadspin writers are on strike because they were told to stick to sports. At this rate, they’re news room will be emptier than Mile High stadium any given Sunday. Since Trump built a new wall around it to keep out resistor scum who suck off Dan Le Batard.

Pelosi on Colbert. I prayed for America after hearing Trump’s call with the Prime Minister of Ukraine. He used to be a comedian like you Stephen. You should hire Bill O Reilly to do man on the street interviews since Fox fired him for what Letterman did.

Pelosi on Colbert again. I prayed for America after hearing Trump’s call with the Prime Minister of Ukraine. He used to a comedian like you Steve. But you’re of greater service downplaying the DNC’s ties to pedo power players at large, Howdy Doody in Armani.

Impeach Trump over what? Highlighting what a druggy fuck up degenerate son Hunter is compared to Eric and Don Junior. On 60 Minutes, Hunter was twitchier than Hillary before a bottle of Cake Bread cellars chard to neutralize her recurrent shakes.

Impeach Trump over what? Threatening to withhold military aid to the Ukraine despite him previously approving the sales of arms to defend themselves better against Russian aggression?

You want to impeach Trump over what again? Calling Hunter Biden stupid. Questioning why Hunter got 52 grand a week for job he thought was for a Ukrainian sports energy company. Pushing borscht as the new Kombucha.

Goose bumps, that was Chris Wallace’s reaction, to Pelosi pushing forward with their attempt to remove Trump, who makes Obama look like a slacker, who blew his fantasy football draft pick, on the ISIS Headhunters for starters because Netflix got his back.

Michelle Obama sounding dumber than usual. Many people around the world consider Obama their president. Then, why does Obama’s Kenyan brother claim, “He’s not my president?” Adding,”Kenyans don’t want his face on our money. He’s so not money and we know it.”

Chris Matthews insists Obama’s perfect legacy drives his critics crazy. Spying on the Trump campaign in Trump Tower, based on a dossier financed by Hillary detailing Russian hookers and golden showers gave me that impression also Chris. Was the use of German hookers too much on the nose Chris?

I love how jealous the op-ed writer in the NY Post is about Chelsea’s 10 million townhouse in Union Square. She hasn’t accomplished anything. She’s nothing but a white washing prop to get Hillary out of the house into her asexual druid ponchos on the Daily Show.

Michael Kornbluth

My Clown Origin Story

Concerned texts from ex buds after seeing shades of me in the Joker film, spoiler alerts abound.

Still the only one laughing at your own jokes? You weren’t beaten up at sleep away camp in CT for faking your ankle sprain to get of running suicide drills, so what’s your excuse?

They say you’re considered crazy until you make it. So how crazy does it make it you feel, knowing Pete Davidson can buy and sell you daily, when he’s your 20-year junior, you know the rebound boy toy pinup for Generation Z.

So, when the Joker suffocates his mother to death in a hospital pillow. Did you feel strangled by despair, knowing the Joker’s mother thought less of her son’s comedy ambitions than your mom does?

Joker could’ve been Bruce Wayne. But you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth in Scarsdale, NY and got to take your SAT’s untimed. So, what’s your excuse for taking so long to make it as comedian already?

Killing on Kimmel should be enough. So, he hired Bill Simmons ages ago to write jokes over you. Look at it this way, you never would’ve come up with 30 for 30 on your own.

What’s my clown origin story exactly? There was my guiding star, Judy Cook, the founding member of our Alternative School, in Edgemont, NY, who gave me the bright idea of becoming a comedian one day, after I came out of my shell Senior year in high school because I won the International Award for a hooking up with a couple of Israeli gals on the Kibbutz, a Jewish, community hippie farm, I stayed at during my Masada teen tour summer after my junior year in highs school. I always was a late bloomer. After I slobbered all over Kermit, I couldn’t make up this shit if I tried, you’d think I was making out with a wet mop. Also, my younger brother of 3 years got into the puberty party before I did on top of losing his virginity before I did, banging the 3 hottest girls in his class, which I tried to jerk off to at the time but couldn’t, which made me feel like a real big brother bust. Back then, I felt like Charles Smith on the Knicks, with an even shittier hook shot.

Back to Judy, so one time during one our pinko, Alternative School barbeque retreats, everyone is rehashing about their time away building homes for Habitats for Humanity and I made up something about interning with the Dali Lama, which forced me to quit smoking weed, so I could remember my mantra already, or something like that, which got laughs.

The million-dollar question is at 43 years old with 3 kids to feed and a wife to prevent from divorcing me, am I still slinging jokes on my podcast for free as a form of coping or clowning? I think it’s a combination of the two. But coping sounds too psychological babble like for me. Yes, I write joke to process my rageful feelings in relation to disrespectful slights, especially from the media who try to slander and belittle any Trump supporter as crazy. Dice, one of my role models calls himself a clown. Norman Lear, creator of All In the Family, called Redd Foxx one of the great clowns, so I don’t mind being lumped in with such star powered company one bit. Larry Charles, writer on Seinfeld, said Larry David would actually kill people if he could get away with it. Adam Sandler’s funniest stuff for me as a rageful streak to it, so I totally believe comedy is a coping mechanism for comedians to go for the retaliatory kill without actually killing for sport or the mere fun of it like Joaquin Phoenix does in the Joker with possessed, fun filled relish.

Killing dream stompers loudly at the comedy club, on a podcast, WordPress blog or at the local deli, is what drives this comedy clown slave to make the most of his comedic gifts of expression. Comedy Clown are slaves to the grind but become more obsessed with killing them all, the funnier, faster and more emboldened we get. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, especially bombing, which only killing again can repair. The clowns in my head, are permanent fixtures of me. Growing up before my voice hit puberty, my voice fluctuated between Dice and Rodney. And till this day, my quest to be recognized as a big deal funny man on the rise, stems from my guiding star who shined a light on a brighter, more kick ass, rock and roll future I never dared imagine or entertain for myself and that’s why the great Judy Cook, is my guardian angel star. Who appeared in my dream once, before I pitched my pilot Heavy Metal High to the Head of VH1 Classic, stating, “Everything is going to be ok.” They didn’t buy the pilot. And I had to return to head hunting, cold calling my brains for the evil empire at Robert Half soon after. Still, I’ve got 2 books now to sell and Adam Sandler’s handlers writing me letters from Brillstein and Grey apologizing for not being able to share my books with Adam because it’s “unsolicited material.” Fine, I’ll start bombarding talent agents with all of my a list podcast, blogs and books, because John Lennon wishes he was this productive during his stay at home dad years. Thanks Judy, for giving this nervous, unsure Jewish boy at the time, something to believe in. You see not every clown origin story needs to be complete horror show, although fumbling to put a condom on for the 1st time at 20 when I was finally in position to lose my virginity was no walk in the park in either, thinking taking the SAT’s untimed set me up to fail. By the time I finished my math section for the SAT’s, my friends had already declared their majors, sophomore year in college.

Michael Kornbluth