INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON
Do It All Dad
I’m in London because my wife got tickets to see Bjork for her birthday. I wanted to see the Shrieking Seals personally.
You want to make a guy limp? Reference, “your husband”, and admit to only watching the Super Bowl for the commercials.
Bill and Hillary got booed at a Billy Joel show at MSG. Because Bill Joel’s greatest hits are prized as lullaby music for eighties Republicans.
The birthrate for NY is at an all time low. Lena’s Dunham’s encouraged frumpy look on Instagram isn’t helping. Overweight hipsters are also pulling out prematurely from excessive meat sweats.
How has my life changed since I became a Dad? Drinking alone is no longer an issue.
How has my life changed since I’ve become a dad? I don’t have panic attacks anymore. Now I’m a bigger believer in God knowing God didn’t give me 3 unplanned kids to have a panic attack over it. God didn’t have the same confidence in you obviously.
How has my life changed since I became a Dad? I’m no longer friends with my Dad on Facebook because since retiring to Scottsdale, Arizona, 3 grandchildren later, he doesn’t do the cold anymore. Now he just beats it to the Weather Channel. My dad’s tennis instructor in Arizona, claims, my dad’s forehand has never been stronger.
Who vapes in their thirties? My douche bag brother-in-law who took 7 years to never graduate college does. My brother in law is like Van Wilder minus the degree and rich Dad.
When the Lakers lose to the Clippers in the playoffs this year, Obama will be crushed. Consoling himself with a bunch of Almond Joys in his man cave in Martha’s Vineyard, hid behind the box of duct tape from Costco. Joan lives
Hillary wants to retire Trump. Wasn’t Hillary the out of touch, older than dirt windbag, who couldn’t even make it to Wisconsin to campaign for the founders of the Onion to push the fake news Russian collusion story on her behalf , also?
Hasbro, who also owns Barbie after buying Mattel just bought Death Row Records. That’s a smart PR move, knowing Snoop Dog’s brain hovers a notch below porn hood hell. Is Old E now, Ken’s ho sprayer of choice?
Hasbro just bought Death Row Records after merging with Mattel. The new CEO of Hasbro is a Trump follower on Twitter. The new mission statement for the company is F the PC Police. He offered Kayne West the job of Creative Play Officer.
Jumping the shark would be Hasbro renaming Lincoln Logs, over cries of racism. The CEO of Hasbro proposes renaming them Obama Logs. A Trump supporter executive interjects, “But in his youth, Obama studied the Koran under a tent in Kenya.”
20 minutes later, the bartender still hasn’t asked for my drink order. The sexy black sisters I was flirting with at the bar ask me, “What took so long?” I say, ” I’m white privilege incarnate. It’s the price I must pay for being 1st in line for everything.”
I think it’s great you’re still doing comedy at your age is a backhanded compliment. In other words, “It takes courage to pretend you’re funny enough to make it as a comedian, 2 decades after you wrote your 1st Friends spec script.”
If love is all you need Sir Paul, then why do I shove off my beautiful, fuss free son as a whole, whenever he crowds me too much on the couch again? I shouldn’t love old school Arliss episodes on HBO Go this much.