No Mr. Sly Guy Revised

It must be tough being married to Sylvester Stallone. According to his model wife, he’s always pointing out what’s wrong with her super model body when he wasn’t throwing gummy bears at her head while sampling new dialogue on her from his latest and greatest Rocky script.

“Jennifer, it’s not about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward without wanting to trade places with Padma Lakshmi.”

No More Mr. Sly Guy, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Legends of the Small

Nolan Ryan, the most consistently dominant pitcher in MLB history, otherwise known as The Ryan Express or Big Tex, depending on whether he was barebacking a barely broken-in Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, pitched seven no-hitters, which is three more than his idol Sandy Kofax did. Unlike Sandy Kofax, I don’t think Big Tex skipped any prime rib dinners throughout his 27-year playing career, even when George W. Bush tried to talk him into taking media pitching lessons from Dick Cheney, which is a yucky conversation for anybody to stomach. An overly anxious young W tries to break the ice with Big Tex in the locker room after the reporters for the Texas Bugle have left. “When the Rangers don’t make it to the World Series this year, just blame it on Tanner from the Bad News Bears, who planted choking anthrax in the old Astrodome for shits and giggles.”

What else did I learn about Big Tex in the documentary Facing Ryan?

Nolan Ryan’s wife is prettier than the Texas sprawl sky.

Nolan’s Ryan wife of 56 years, Ruth Ryan, is too pretty to cheat on ever.

Ruth Ryan is a prettier, tanner version of Debbie Harry in her prime.

Plus, Ruth Ryan raised three good-looking, rock-solid kids in Texas, where third-term abortions are considered too late, unlike in New York state.

George W. Bush is still a twitchy bitch in an armchair.

George W. Bush, former Managing Director of the Texas Rangers, still sounds like Dick Cheney is nudging him to play the constipated version of Dirty Harry while grunting in the distance, “More twang, Mr. President, more twang.”

Big Tex and Little W Bush don’t mix.

It’s like Beto interviewing MMA fighters over Joe Rogan.

But seriously, Big Tex and Little Bush don’t belong in the same documentary together.

One is in the Headlock Hall of Fame.

The other is in the President Hall of Shame, for giving us 9/11, the surveillance state, and Obama Be Meh, which sent race relations back farther than banning the dunk or bringing back no sneaker policies to the China Club during the summer of 89 when Air Jordan’s flew off the shelves in a NY minute.

Peaceful protestors from January 6th, have gag orders on them while still in jail with no transparent trial ahead. Yet I’m supposed to be pleased with W getting to provide color commentary on a documentary about Nolan Ryan while getting to feed off his sterling integrity as a competitor and Texan legend who has nothing in common with this stumpy piece of shit? And you’re straining for star power voltage, when you’re calling W’s people for an appearance on the doc about Nolan Ryan for Amazon Prime. George W. Bush attended Greenwich Country Day in Greenwich, CT and went to an elite boarding school in Mass soon after before going to Yale. The only thing less Texan than W’s upbringing is Southern Republicans getting their panties in a bunch over the Dixie Chicks. Papa Bush worked for the CIA under Hoover when Kennedy got killed because of his plans to dismantle the Deep State and “Scatter them to the wind.” But I’m supposed to trust the morally bankrupt leadership of the Washington elite after letting four sketchy Arabs take flight lessons in Florida before 9/11 without batting an eye? And Ellen isn’t a sell-out new world order hack breath for hire, who’s only friends with W because she’s pro-bush all the way.

If the Hit King, AKA Charlie Hustle, can’t get voted in Cooperstown because of his gambling problem. Then, I want W banned from documentaries about the creation of great family men like Big Tex. Who didn’t authorize the murdering of our troops and own citizens while pressuring Collin Powell to push the weapons of mass destruction lie with less legs than Lieutenant Dan. Or else the 23 Emmy awards the Daily Show won were for nothing. Legends of the Small live; Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Hell’s Gate Lives

According to the Koran, Buraq is the winged horse that flew the honorable prophet Muhammad into Heaven after ascending past the steps of Mount Sinai. Did the ghost of Moses give the winged horse a lift on his magic carpet, signed by the Steve Miller Band?

In Farsi, Buraq also means “blessed”, with conquering the curse of white man’s disease, which is why Obama is a fake news blessed one, because I’ve never seen him slam anything, except alt-right dirt rags like Breitbart, that dared to point out how his social security card is from Connecticut, which is whiter than White Man’s Disease.

When Obama talks about race, everything changes. Then, why hasn’t Obama Be Good talked Netflix into making a black remake of Caddyshack yet? Biden plays the Van Wilder of Lifeguards. Hunter plays the burnout Groundskeeper who has found Zen in blow painting. Obama snorts up Chevy’s stash of white privilege and writes it off as a master’s estate tax. The My Pillow guy plays Rodney because Jackie Mason is too overtly annoying Jewy for Obama’s tastes. The My Pillow guy dies after Obama orders John Fetterman to smother him out with an oversized hoodie in exchange for a free Slurpee card from 711 for life. The movie ends with Obama running a go-cart over John Kerry’s bare feet on the back nine, playing golf with Matthew McConaughey. Obama yells, “I know; watch the pedicure, man. John is playing footsie with Saudi royals since his wife cut his weekly allowance in half for losing a kite surfing match to Fetterman; the only thing that moves slower than Fetterman is John Durham. So, I was born in Hell’s Gate in Keyna; what will you do about it America? MAGA country is dumb for thinking Bruce Springsteen will ever stop kissing my ass. But in Kenya, they know better than my kiss ass team at MSNBC. Gates tried putting me on a 500-dollar bill in Kenya, but the government declined. I’m so not money, and my fellow Kenyans know it.”

Hell’s Gate lives with a swingers twist, challah, thank you very much.

What’s the least politically incorrect reply to learning that someone you knew was friends with a pedophile?

Don’t act so surprised. Isn’t he a registered Democrat?

Who supports illegal entry no matter the cost.

And supporting open borders is supporting getaway rape speed, andele, andele, arriba, arriba.

Hair Plugs Sniffer in the White House is the demented, perverted umpire waiving all of MS-13 to steal home.

Only Frank Drummond from Police Squad would call them safe in an attempt to save the Queen.

But the Old G Queen is deader than claims of Prince Harry trying to kill himself over mental health issues.

Scruffy Archie hasn’t shaved in years.

Hell’s Gates lives, Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Emotionally Compelling Situations 

Roots Of My Wasabi Tears 

A Wasabi Salesman in Bergen, Norway, loses his heralded sense of taste.

DVD Phone Girl 

A phone sales rep for a porno studio in North Hollywood loses her sex talk fluency after getting talked into snuggling.

Tom Petty Girl 

A pothead waitress forgets to take the pill.

The Koshertarain Godfather

A shadow banned comedian puts an ad in the Wall Street Journal for a Koshertarian Godfather.

Headstart on Cancer

An estranged trust fund baby tells his dad about coming out as a stay at home she male comedian called Killerset Kornbluth who performs topless with a pink Brooks Brother tie on for his rapidly expanding fan base on Only Fans, which he’ll be promoting on Facebook before his potential Lung Cancer biopsy diagnosis.

Gum King Of New York 

A broke, stay-at-home dad reinvents himself as a pitch person for the QVC after going into business with his sponsor at AA.

Lust for Lita 

A stay-at-home dad gets busted by his wife for falling victim to a fishing scandal by a fake news Lita Ford.

Mitzvah Moves 

A just-fired IT Recruiter disrupts the job market for young adults with Down Syndrome by recruiting an army of door-to-door sales reps at the Special Olympics to sell his new hop-flavored gum Hop-O-Rama Chew. 

Michael Kornbluth

Fingertapping Good

They say the thing you do obsessively between 13 and 18 is what you heve the chance to be world class at. I do excel at using my son All Metal Baby as a mini air guitar appendage while blasting Fallen Angel by Poison on Vinyl. #Fingertappinggood

Fingertapping good, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth