6 Types of Eggplant Parm

1) Sad, mushy, flavorless, middle-aged malaise.
2) Gross, burnt, disgusting veggies on borderline stale bread.
3) Scary to think someone would willingly buy that shit again.
4) Seething enragement for blowing 10 bucks on rancid breadcrumbs.
5) Complete shocked awe at not completely sucking for a change.
6) Full blown happiness attack because Frank’s Eggplant Parm is the bomb.  

Your kid doesn’t eat dead animals.

Then, take them to Franks for their Eggplant Parm.
And let the fussy free attack ensue.

Frank for President.

Croton Fall’s finest has blessed us with an Eggplant Parm that’s the best of the rest.

And his pizza pies are phenomenal.  Each bite is crackling sweet perfection.  

Garlic Knots will center you again.

And your chakras will no longer feel more clogged than your freshman one hitter.

Let blast off time begin.

Tell Frank, Too Tall Jew sent you, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Older Than Aids

You want to talk feeling old?
I just met a bartender in Arizona who never heard of Van Halen. I said, “Have you tried Sammy Hagger’s tequila yet? Bet it goes down Van Halen light.” Bartender says, “Who’s Van Halen?” I said, “The reason why I use my son as a mini air guitar appendage.”

Michael Kornbluth

The Spirit of Sal Balsamo

My dad didn’t care for Heavy Metal, but Sal Balsamo did. He loomed large over Mount Metal outside of Seely Place Elementary School, a sprawling rock formation dominated by his jean jacket worshipping brethren, decked out in Metallica, Slayer and Overkill patches on all. It was here where Sal Balsamo delivered his metal front men with 10 Commandments of Metal to burn into their burnout craniums forever.

Commandment 1:  Thou shall not steal metal riffs from Twinkle Toe Rhodes.

Commandment 2: Thou shall Not Disrespect thy Father and Mother of Heavy Metal, Deep Purple and Lita Ford.

Commandment 3: Thou shall not carry hatred in your heart for Metallica’s brothers in arms after the killer commercial success from the Black album and beyond.

Commandment 4: Thou shall pray to the programing manager of MTV for playing the Cherry Pie video on one endless loop during the winter of 90, which even made Kareem Adul Jabbar crack a smile during Ramadan that was eight miles wide.

Commandment 5: Thou shall request DJs at Bar Mitzvah parties to play Cult of Personality even if they insist on not knowing who the fuck Vern Reed is yet.

Commandment 6: Thou shall kiss your guitar more than your girlfriend’s ass after she puts on the freshman 50 at the University of Buffalo.

Commandment 7: Thou shall find a new groupie to love if they deride Heavy Metal music as awful despite GNR, Motely Cru, Cinderella and Poison rocking your world more than they ever did.

Commandment 8: Thou shall consider blowing Desmond Child for penning Hair Metal classic hits like Poison by Alice Cooper, Dude Looks Like A Lady by Aerosmith and Living On a Prayer by the long haired cowboys from New Jersey, Bon Jovi.

Commandment 9: Thou shall laugh when you hear Jim Norton roast Sammy Haggar on Comedy Central with, “I don’t drink, but my hunch tells me Sammy that your Tequilla Cabo Wabo, is Van Halen light.”

Commandment 10: Thou shall pay Ace Frehley’s medical bills, if Gene Simmons screws him out any future touring money ever again.

The Spirit of Sal Balsamo burned on at his fort in the woods behind Seely Place one unseasonably warm December afternoon before Christmas Break. A fire erupted after a scatter of fiery ash landed on top of some old, discarded rugs used for after school hook ups with Elisa Velle on Valentines Day. Sal and his metal head Disciples watched in holy shit man aw as the fire raced up a giant oak tree, rapidly approaching his old Kindergarten classroom at Seely as it roared with Metallica Kill Them All rage up high in the sky. Sal Balsamo’s father was a retired fireman from Yonkers, NY and former roadie for Led Zepplin, so blazing inferno’s, backdrafts and fiery satanic altars his father would walk into as Jimmy Page pleaded with the Devil for more electric slaying chops than Hendrix or Tommy Iommi ever possessed didn’t dampen Sal Balsamo’s metal worshiping spirit one bit.

Then, a voice emerged from the fire that screamed, Run For The Hills, Run For Your Life, which freaked out Sal and his crew because the voice sounded exactly like the human air raid siren Bruce Dickenson from Iron Maiden because his super natural voice pierces through the clouds of Heavy Metal Heaven. So, Sal and his crew run for the hills as the fire roars on with Gene Simmons fireball blowing delight. Now, in the fire Gene Simmon’s face emerges and yells, “Loud, I wanna hear it loud, right between the eyes.” And Sal Balsamo’s crew started screaming the chorus in the unison while looking up to this Heavy Metal light show for the ages, no longer running for the hills with such divine powered pushed authority anymore.

Do It All Dad, a 46-year-old self-stylized Hair Metal Comedian takes a break from retelling the Spirit of Sal Ballsano and his son Hardcore Hunga Rocks says, “So what happened to the fire Daddy? Did Gene Simmons burn his tongue on it or what?” Do It All Dad says, “Eventually, the fireman extinguished the fire and what you see is the original Seely Place still standing.  But Heavy Metal never dies and it sure is fuck ain’t noise pollution. So, it’s on with show Hardcore Hunga Rocks. I think you’re finally ready for Nightmare on Elm Street, but let’s blast Too Fast For Love in the car first. Their leader guitar player Mick Mars is the Freddy Kruger of shredding. Hardcore Hunga says, “Let’s get on with the show already daddy. But when we get home, you get to play Van Halen on vinyl and use me as an air guitar appendage for Eruption, then we watch the movie, or I’ll be your worst nightmare, moron, got it.” Do It All Dad says, “Only if you promise to shout at any future devil bitch who tries to tell you Heavy Metal sucks.”

“Deal daddy, deal.”

The End

Michael Kornbluth

The Masturbation Equalizer

The Masturbation Equalizer

“Intelligence without ambition is a bird without wings.”

Salvador Dali

“Money equals middle finger power”, is what my Dad always told me growing up in our quaint yet artistically loaded Comedy Grant House 50 minutes North of Manhattan within the bucolic, historically tiny village of Croton Falls, famous for being the birthplace of my dear dada’s famous catchphrase, “Can I get a holla for some Challah?”, on his Do It All Dad podcast that ultimately got him a recording label deal to produce comedy record 100 Too Tall Jew, on Blessed Records and the rest is comedy gold machine making history. Personally, I preferred the comedy record title, Birds Eye View Bitches, but Daddy thought that it was tad long winded even for Bob Dylan’s tastes. At the Montreal Comedy Festival Daddy got big laughs when he said, ‘”Sorry pops, but when you live in Arizona for a decade and counting and still haven’t visited the Grand Canyon, you’re a fake news hippy. I don’t care if your Bob Dylan station on Pandora suggest otherwise.

Still, growing up Papa, my grandfather, nicknamed my daddy, Waste of Height because my father is a 6’4 Jewish New Yorker, who’s only highlight when playing Varsity basketball senior year was scoring 10 points against an all-Japanese team, which isn’t hard when the opposing players thought the pick and roll, mean their choice of fish. Now, my dad was being billed by Rolling Stone as Killer Set Kornbluth, while Variety magazine hailed him as the new giant of late night after replacing Bill Maher with a new talk show called Seriously Clowning. So, at this point in his life, my dad had every right to look down on any soul sucker dream detractor who tried to make him feel like a delusional, crazy man narcissist for pursing A plus comedic glory with a middle finger power mansion located at the highest point in Bel Air next to Jerry’s Lewi’s old school crib. So, the shelf life behind papa’s degrading nickname, Waste of Height, in relation to his 1st born blossoming son, no thanks to his encouraged direction had gone sailing, Dean Martin, lives, Challah. Thank you very much.

But daddy is what you would call a late bloomer, who didn’t start tasting big deal success till his late forties, combining that with a sexless marriage, with a man who is far from straight, on top of his mom wanting him to sling other’s people’s garbage instead of his own A plus gemry jokes for a living one day, combined with in-laws who force fed Eucharist on his Jew blood tainted kids behind his back, combined with zero creative collaborators outside of his own children during his 5 year journey into the wilderness while kicking is decade long addiction to Adderall for good, resulted in creating a tsunami of resentment fueled rage that almost burnt out what love spreader light that existed left in my dear dada’s endlessly beautifying, beyond spiritualized projecting soul, before it was too late.  Because of that, Daddy did everything in his power to ensure I established moonbeam blast shot goals early as possible compared to his mother urging her “artist son”, to settle and shoot for shit by chucking the joke writing career all together and become a full-time garbage man like Magic Johnson’s father in Lansing, Michigan. Obviously, Magic Johnson dad’s is a stellar example of being a God loving, do it all dad done good. Still, Magic’s dad also slung other’s people’s trash, so his son wouldn’t have to, similar to Papa schlepping over the George Washington Bridge for 25 years only to get nickeled and dimed by the likes of Potomka Pickles while working as VP of Sales for a plastics and glass company in Union, New Jersey, otherwise known as the Swamp Thing State, so his 1st born wouldn’t have to follow in his steps and blaze a new trail of funny man innovation to derive prideful enrichment of some kind on his own.

But what really pissed off my dad was Papa resisting the notion that I had genius potential in me because his waste of height son was too much a mongoloid moron in his eyes to birth such a star powered, out of this world seedling capable of moving millions with my own powers of imagination, poetic lift and storytelling powered song. Daddy went to Ithaca College, which he derided as Cornell’s retarded next door neighbor. But he graduated from the distinguished Roy H. Park School of Communications, so he could suck down some bingers of extra strong Tompkin’s country outdoor weed and avoid stuttering every other 2 seconds. I loved the idea of going to Columbia growing up, yet Daddy viewed Manhattan as yesterday’s news and planted the idea of me attending Williams University in Massachusetts instead, because former owner of the Yankees George Steinbrenner, otherwise known as the Boss, was a famous alumnus and larger than life NY bred personalities like George Steinbrenner don’t get any big more time than that. Plus, Daddy loved the standup comedian Jim Norton who claimed Boston woman were the best to slay with. Also, at Uncle John’s wedding, AKA, Sir Snort a Lot, Daddy said, “God gave my younger brother more second shots at respectable redemption than what George Steinbrenner gave Steve Howe”, which got goonish at the time. Plus, I remember my dad driving us to the Manhattan to go skating at 30 Rock once for my birthday and he points out the new Yankee stadium off the Deegan and says, “Look Matilda, the new Yankee Stadium, the house that gentrification built.” I knew all about Reggie Jackson otherwise known as Mr. October, who hit not one but 3 first pitch baseball homers in 1979 to clinch the World Series for the Yankees at the original Yankee stadium, otherwise known as the house, that Ruth built. I also knew that Babe Ruth had the most homers during his day but had the most strike outs to, because there was nothing half ass about the Babe who went down swinging, coming through in the clutch with his back against the wall like the great Messier, Derek Jeter, Andy Petite, Eli Manning and Frank Sinatra all the way. Daddy imparted the lesson of why New Yorker’s have big time egos for a reason. When Daddy actually contemplated moving our family to Texas during year 2 of COVID, I said, “Daddy, how many great comedians are from Texas? Daddy said, “Bill Hicks and Sam Kinson.” I say, “Bill Hicks only made me laugh once. And Sam Kinson had one good comedy album from start to finish that was pure standup without the cheesy Wild Thing cover song on it, that’s it. Now, name me star comedians from New York? Daddy says “Rodney Dangerfield, Andrew Dice Clay, Lenny Bruce, Woody Allen, Mel Brooks, Greg Giraldo, Joan Rivers, George Carlin. Have I mentioned myself yet? Alright you’re right, Texan comedians suck compared to native New Yorkers, Joe Rogan included.”

For some time, I just wanted to be a singer and write my own songs, singing in pubs like Amy Winehouse without developing the heroin addition, yet my dad insisted I become an A Plus student and accept no other goal acceptable, so he could boast to his new comedy manager and rapper friends in South Africa, where his new record label was located, that his daughter went to Williams College, which rocks the old world King Solmon Royal purple. And my Do It All Dad thought the deep purple look exuded an edgy deep suave vibe similar to Jimmy Hendrix’s head tripping beanbag within the mixing room at Electric Lady Land studios in Manhattan. Daddy also had a black and white picture of famed writer director Bill Wilder in his old office where the famed writer, director of Ace In The Hole and Fortune’s Cookie, was marching in his office with his talking stick of sorts as his famed screenwriter partner Charles Brackett is on the writer’s  couch in letting him go long again, who is another Williams alum that helped co-write Sunset Blvd, which is good work if you can get it.  The other line Daddy would always pound into my cranium growing up was from Stephen Sondheim, which is, “God is in the details”, and the famous Broadway composer lyrist graduated from Williams to, so dumb, dumb burn outs didn’t even bother to apply. Reality is, I almost never got into Williams College nor ended up becoming the female Carl Jung of my day post COVID damage done after graduating Magna Cum Laude after triple majoring in English, Psychology and Philosophy, achieving the trifecta of liberal arts lunacy, I know. But believe it or not, my fate at William’s became sealed, not because of my college essay where I insist Carl Sagen was mothered by a starless atheist cunt who gave Booger face Behar on the View a whiff of semi-respectability in comparison for a change when she asked Don Lemon why he was nothing more than another race war inciting scumbag like Jussie Smollett minus the SAG card after she got red pilled by Russell Brand from turning her on to the Do It All Dad Year Podcast during bi-sexual pride appreciate month, I think. Actually, pursuing the harder, less shit laden path started by Daddy posting an ad on Craig’s List for a jerk buddy in search of more than a friend.  

“Why did I post an ad for a jerk buddy on Craig’s List? Because I thought it was healthy alternative to laughing at my own material on the couch after my daughter was tucked in, before breaking up with my wife off 11 years, again and again”, A 45-Year-Old divorced Comedian says to his chesty, red headed, Psychologist who was an English and Psychology major at Willaims herself. Mara Weitzman, the Psychologist from Williams says, “What if I jerk off your ego instead of some random stranger on Craig’s List, who would give Jim Norton the creeps?” Do It All Dad, now a divorced still struggling comedian, living on the couch of his Film Grip bud in Ridgefield, CT who wants to be the Bill Graham of Death Metal festivals in Upstate New York one day, says, “Does my health insurance cover that added expenditure on my behalf?  Psychologist Mara Weitzman says, “Remember, the time you talked about that 1st hand job you got from Carolyn Verdichio, in Cotswold Park, which you nicknamed Actionless Park in your bit at the Montreal Comedy about how you’re no gentle giant or else why would you insist on staying home to ignore your kid for the privilege of writing more jokes while choking your wife too hard financially, again and again? You described your 1st hand job as a throbbing extension of your brutishly rough personality, to the point where she almost skinned your pussy wrecker rearranger alive, while your jeans kicked wildly in the mud like a hardheaded hog in heat. Well, what if we reenact the moment right now? I played the steel guitar growing up in Plano Texas, so I’ve got stronger hands that most. Let me if see if I can yank out that rough side out of you for good. I’ll even put in a good word for your daughter at the Williams College during admissions season. Do It All Dad drops his pants and says, “I don’t feel like such a self-centric jerkoff anymore. Mara Weitzman, you’re the only masturbator equalizer for me. Now rip off that top and start jerking it like its 1999.  I’ll give those busty beauties a liberal load to boast about it when you pump up my long-term endowment potential to your fellow alum members after I blow you away with a blast of teen spirit of my own. Kurt Cobain lives, Challah. Mara screams in extreme anticipatory ecstasy, “Nirvana, come reign on me.” Minutes later, Psychologist Mara Weitzman buttons up her top and puts her murky stained glasses back on and says, “See you next Tuesday Do It All Dad. Williams College will be lucky to have your daughter attend next fall, if she follows after your money blasting footsteps. Thank you, very, very much.”

Michael Kornbluth

Owner Of A Heavy Heart

Welcome to Rough Talk Rules, I’m your radio host Solomon Kornbluth, helping you work toward better tomorrows without your deadweight conversationalist ex friends and romantic partners of years past. And today is Dumping Tips Tuesdays, but first let’s take a call from Robert Gauler in Stamford, CT. Hi, Robert, what’s weighing down your heart today?

“Hi, Solomon, what’s weighing down my heart today is being unemployed during the Passover season again.  I’m losing heart from receiving more rejection emails from employer’s that read, “What kind of a moron are you today? For thinking, you could mosey your zero leveraged, broke down ass into our loving arms after a 5-year vacation life as a Stay at Home Dad, I mean sheltered bum, jerkoff. You’re obviously optionless and friendless in this world right now for a reason. Blog stats we can’t verify don’t count as give a shit credentials for our copywriter position that requires at least 5 year of agency copywriting experience. Sharing mock print ads for Woodford Reserve Whiskey with headlines such as, “Class in A Glass”, aren’t going to secure any invitations to interview for any creative professional role within our constellation of star powered creative technologists, designers and witty wordsmith scribes at large, OK! “

Radio Host Solomon says, “I feel your pain, Robert. When was the last time you pulverized a vagina of any kind?”

“I’m living in my grandma’s old apartment, which reeks of middle-aged mildew malaise. Plus, I’m so broke I can’t afford my past cell phone due bill past tomorrow. So, swiping over some random cum dumpster chick I met on Slut in A Straight Jacke .com isn’t happening anytime soon either. I can’t afford my oil pill or my electric bill, so I don’t even have the option of electrocuting myself to death in my tub with a working toaster from GE for that matter. Even if I could convince an ex-booty call to drop by, she’d get cold feet upon entry because I haven’t been able to afford the heating bill in months either. You know the price of gas is high when 10 bucks at the tank burns faster than a 2-hit pinner”, Robert Gauler from Stamford, CT says.

Solomon Kornbluth laughs and says, “You’re a funny guy Robert. Laughter is the best cure all, used to lighten the stressed-out load of fixed ineffectual, stuck in a ditch depression, that’s squeezing the life out of your loving heart, making it borderline impossible to take semi-easy deep breaths for more than 2 seconds a time, I totally get it. My advice moving forward, is to attend, an open mike, which doesn’t charge the one drink minimum, prepare some jokes about your non-existent love life on stage or just rant and rave about how much your life love life sucks compared to Martha Dump Truck in Heathers and you’ll feel less alone in your rapidly building misery. Chances are, if you’re emotionally honest about why you hate your past friends and former loves who left you for dead and kicked dirt on your premature grave, regardless of it being deserved or not, it will become impossible for the crowd to not empathize with what a decrepit, sad sack, shit sandwich, you’re forced to eat every day without sporting’s it’s an all good, all love, big pimping Puff Dadd vibe along the way. It feels liberating and empowering to get out of your head, especially on stage in front of strangers, because any form of comedy allows you to rewrite the narrative to your own liking while giving the golden opportunity to get in last word or final laugh along the way. Who knows, you might even get luck out tonight with a Lesbian poet whose heart isn’t into munching on far from scrumptious stank fumed vagina anymore.”

“Ok, I’ll take one more caller before we start our fan favorite segment, “Dumping Tips Tuesdays.” Next up is a call from Lindsey Lam from Louisville, Kentucky. My mom grew up down south in Kentucky, although my ex-wife insists Kentucky is more Midwest south. Regardless, finger food down there is considered anything that tastes your cousin’s panties, hey now. Lindsay Lam you’re on the air with Rough Talk Rules. How can I lighten your heavy heart today?”

Lindsay Lam says, “Today, I showed my daughter this pathway in the woods where I used to sneak though during lunch in the 10 grade to grab some Burger King for lunch. After pointing out to my daughter, how I used to go there alone for lunch, she made feel a level of defensive embarrassment, which I never experienced until now when she said, “Mommy, that’s a really sad story. But I don’t recall being completely miserable housing a double whopper with a cheese and a chicken sandwich all by myself in the process. Daughter says, “Didn’t you have anyone to share all that food with?” And I said, “Can you stop rubbing in me being an owner of a tubby heavy heart already?”

Solomon Kornbluth says “Look Linsday, I spent plenty of time eating lunch alone growing up. At the time, I never felt that so and so’s presence would’ve made me more at peace with world or provide any greater amount of endorphin releases than what the Double Whopper with Cheese was giving me already, I waited at least 2 minutes for the cheese to melt on it just right. God forbid. You shouldn’t allow your daughter to make your feel shame 20 years after the fact, I’m assuming, for being a friendless loner teenager at the time like Lisa Simpson with a piss poor GPA. Roger Daltry from the Who called high school a Teenage Wasteland for a reason. Maybe, reframe your solo lunches in the 10th grade with me myself and I to your daughter as self-care dates, solo shrink time, or in the spirit of the late great Warren Zevon, “Splendid Isolation,”. Warren didn’t need no one, Challah, thank you very much.”

“But now it’s time for Dumping Tips Tuesdays.  If you give a friend a thoughtful gift like a John Candy biography with an inscription you wrote inside it without receiving a thank you note or word of acknowledgement in return, it just proves you weren’t as close as you imagined. But don’t dwell on infusing more specialness into your so-called friendship. Instead, slap yourself on the shoulder for possessing a more active imagination than he ever did. But so-called friendship works both ways. So, let’s a say you claim to be friends with someone from high school 25 years after the fact but have zero desire in seeing their newborn kid, with zero plans to remember the kid’s name, then it’s safe to say, you’re a shit friend who should’ve been dumped before the relationship went to shit in the first place. So always remember, don’t act like your shit doesn’t stink when it does or else you come across as an insanely judgy, bigger headed prick than the rest. So be less shitty to yourself today and do what you want to do like eating alone for lunch without shitting on yourself for not having any deadweight conversationalist friends to invite for the privilege of being in your splendid company after all.”

Michael Kornbluth

Broken Record Hits

This is an impression of my 11-year-old daughter playing marriage counselor again.

“Pause daddy, mama got your point mid-breath.”

Deplorable is anyone who’s glad Jussie Smollett took a shot.

Has BLM taken the Rocky statue down yet, because it promotes white supremacy?

1 kid only, means your diaphragm is for walls after all.

Trans is gay about lunging at Othello in tights.

How did Andrew, I won’t jump off my own bridge Cuomo become a sex symbol?

He looks like Mama Fratelli from the Goonies and The Thing had a baby.

DeBlasio’s wife used to be a full time Brooklyn Lesbian in Park Slope before they met.

Yet were supposed to believe Garlic Breath converted her?

Putz breath, Bird Brain eats pizza with a fork and knife.

Yet burying his beak into her Bean Pie without a mask on with such sloppy abandon is a plausible theory to digest.

I order a triple espresso because members of my Gen X, generation, like our comedy like our coffee. Dark and bitter, 2 recessions later, after 9/11, only for our precious media to suck off W non-stop since he started painting pictures of maimed vet’s he gave PTSD to and started palling around with Ellen at Cowboy games, which proves how the queen of daytime comedy is pro bush all the way.  

Today, we the people means less than In Dr. Gnocchi we trust.

Supreme Court Justice Amy Barret is Mia Farrow with better husband selection.

Nirvana didn’t kill Hair Metal.  Aids did, before Magic made HIV disappear.

Barista asks, “Is a triple espresso enough?”

I say, “Yes, anything less, would circumcise my happiness.”

Like seeing Bjork over the Shrieking Seals.

But yeah, one Triple Espresso is enough.

So, I can feel like a Marc Maron without the career, 92 comedy records later. Killer with A Cause being my latest and greatest, that’s fresh off the press, aren’t you blessed. Killer With A cause is going for broke. Because I’m so broke my Hebrew name is under judicial review.

Next album is Mega Dumb Daddy.

Daughter says, “Daddy, how many zeros are in a trillion?

I say, “Ask Alexa.”

Daughter replies, “Is that why you call yourself a degenerate Jew?

Because you still count with your fingers during Blackjack under the table for simple arithmetic?”

Mega Dumb Daddy always blanks on being the Tooth Fairy’s wing man.

Daughter says, “Daddy, no money from the Tooth Fairy again. Is the Tooth Fairy even real?

I say, “The Rock slept in a for change alright.”

Mega Dumb Daddy marries a wife with no chest thinking she’s bound to fill out on top eventually like her mother did.

Wife says, “Matilda is the last girl in her 5th grade class to get breast buds.”

Mega Dumb Daddy says, “Then why haven’t your buds sprouted yet.”

Mega Dumb Daddy insists on taking weed edibles 2 hours before his daughter goes to sleep already.

Daughter makes him feel dumber than ever and asks, “So Mega Dumb Daddy, if God created the Universe, then who created God?”

I say, “God went back in time in a Time Machine, made by Elon Musk.” Daughter says, “That’s really convincing Daddy. Thanks for making me an Atheist at 4.”

Mega Dumb Daddy always over sexualizes everything. Daughter asks, “Daddy, what do you do after tucking me at night?” Mega Dumb Daddy says, “I squeeze in some me to time, alright.”

Mega Dumb Daddy shames himself into giving up drinking beer because it’s humiliating spending so much time hunger over, recycling, endless reminders of your lushy littered past, as entire Rocky marathons on AMC pass you by.

Amazingly enough, I haven’t suffered from complete parental burnout yet.

Daughter asks, “Daddy, what’s parental burnout?”

I say, “Mommy pushing Melatonin gummies on you at a hard 7 every night or her friend having to micro dose to make playing Operation Gender Reassignment Edition with her kid and friends who bought Michelle Obama’s book Reach Higher great again.  

Yesterday, I saw Michelle Obama’s book Reach Higher in the dumpster bin and thought, “Bill Maher just got a stiffy.”

Lebron got the idea to sport cast during the NBA finals from Michelle Obama. After Michael threatened to jam her arm up Barrack’s ass if he ever offered Beyonce a glass of Paul Newman’s Lemonade over her homemade Kombucha again.

When Lebron loses in the NBA playoffs this year, do you think Obama will reach for his secret stash of Almond Joy’s hid behind a giant box of Duct Tape from Costco.

Imagine Thanksgiving at the Obama’s this year.

Obama says, “Malia, you barely touched your Tofurky?”

Malia says, “Why did you push me to intern for Miramax?

Obama says, “At the time, it looked on your resume. Plus, your mom added extra protection muscle on the set of Girls. And that fat Jew couldn’t pin down your mother if he tried.”

Michelle claims that anyone who flees the south side of Chicago is racist.

The south side of Chicago is only the lead maker of blood controlling kids in the county just like Hillary is the number selling voodoo doll in Haiti year after year, yet Michelle acts like the South Side of Chicago is only one crepe food truck away from Gentrification. You know liberal talk for bless black people and mouthy Cardi B’s who are louder than Busta Rhymes at a Midnight showing of Higher Learning.

If fleeing the south side of Chicago is racist, then Obama gave 1.5 billion to Iran in unmarked bills for overseas manufacturing jobs for Build a Bear, to make the Iranian economy less reliant on the sale of hair removal cream for the Kardashians.

Did you know Lena Dunham was Hillary’s Social Media Manager for her campaign?

Only Lena Dunham could make Hillary Hammer Time Cankles, less likeable and relatable in one blubbery swoop.

Hillary still claims she lost because of Russian collusion.

Wrong, Huma Licker Breath, you lost because you’re an unhuggable cunt.

Hillary forgot to delete that memo to.

Trump has ties to Russia, duh. What Mail Order Bride owner, doesn’t?

This is Trump handing out candy outside the White House with Melania.

You want to know what Melania tastes like? Try some Rock Candy kid.

The spirit of Halloween isn’t hanging up ISIS flags to scare away trick or treaters.

But weird, weak, woke Howard still insists Biden was the most popular US presential candidate of all time.

Because Perm Head doesn’t want to miss out on any more 2 bite chicken parm dinners at Jimmy Kimmel’s house.

Jimmy Fallon’s writer’s hate, because when he tussled Trumpy Poo’s hair on the Tonight Show, a real-life skinhead never emerged.

Personally, I miss Trump’s relentless enthusiasm and over-the-top salesmanship.

If Trump got HIV after Melania cheated on him with Magic on the rebound after the Stormy Daniels fiasco.

Trump would tweet on whatever hate speech platform he’s allowed to rumble on next, “Do I have HIV, yes? But my t-cell count numbers have never been stronger.”

Our state of the union like Colbert’s handle on funny these days, shaky.

Too bad Bill O’Reilly is no longer deemed threatening enough to impersonate for a living.

At least Bill O’Reilly gave Colbert gravitas.

Son says, “Daddy, why haven’t gone on the Pelton today?”

I say, “I got food poisoning from the Halal guys, thinking it was Kosher chicken, not realizing Muslim butchers give shout outs to Allah in Muhammed’s gangster paradise before killing Shariff the Chicken instead. Andy Dick gave me full blown Aids through Zoom.” Son replies, “Enough with the excuse’s daddy. You’re worse than Hillary.”  

And if Biden AKA, Mr. Groper. AKA, The Icky Shuffle, got more votes than even Obama Be Good ever did, despite his campaign rallies barely filling out the Little Mermaid’s clam shell bras. Then, Michelle Obama regrets pissing on the ceiling fan in the Lincoln Bedroom moments before Trump’s inauguration. Hours later Trump gets peed on for real and comments to Melania, “Is that what Michelle meant, when she-hulk said when the go low, we aim high.”  

And this is Jefferey Tambour yelling at his Trans-Costar for pissing on the toilet seat. Real lady like. Now get out of my trailer, you butchy bitch, Hey now. Larry Sanders lives, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Mega Ton Hits

“Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work.”

Gustave Flaubert

I don’t want my wife coming out of my mouth, especially after I got COVID from going down on her prior. How else do you explain my itchy esophagus?

At my age, I don’t care about getting my wife off when she can’t be bothered to suck off fumes of my mega ton laugh blast hits at the grocery store prior.  I say, “It’s colder than Harvey Weinstein’s old casting couch at the 4 Seasons. But at least his wife of 12 years finally left him to focus on her lifetime battle with… amnesia. At the same time, Ashely Judd isn’t a real victim of rape. Ooh, she refused to watch Harvey Hair Clumps Weinstein shower himself down in his 5-star suite at the 4 Seasons. Granted, Ashley Judd being a native Kentucky gal, has plenty of experience judging fat pigs at the county fair.”  Portly, yet cheery grocery store worker releases a hearty stream of much dinero laughs long time, Challah. Thank you very much.

Daughter says, “Meat is murder.” I reply, “But you had no problem killing off that plate of Everything Kosher Tenders, made with a homemade honey mustard sauce because it was made with love as I continue to slay mama’s claims of infinite superiority in my presence again and again, so I’ll take it.”  I used a killer combo of everything bagel seasoning from Stew Leonard’s, panko breadcrumbs made in fake news Japan I’m assuming, in addition to grinded up in-house made sesame loaf bread from the local Italian grocer DiCiccio’s to create the mega blast breading hit, responsible for blowing your local bowling alley’s chicken tenders of frost burn balls yesteryear into disintegrated pieces of sad sack smithereens.

I fucked up by making the homemade honey mustard sauce with mayo, instead of vegan mayo, which stripped the holy shit nature of these Everything Kosher Tenders but didn’t realize I made this oversight till the following day. So, I can’t fret too much for forsaking God’s commanded Kosher law in the service of showing my kids the unmatched delicious might of homemade love versus store bought condiments that make you feel like half a fag for being a half ass Shishy dad bitch in the process. Also, by making homemade condiments such as Honey Mustard sauce, infused with love, you avoid circumcising your happiness like settling for burnt Starbucks espresso versus sucking down 80 percent of a homemade French pass to your head instead.

If I have one overriding message to teach my kids, one I wish my father implanted into my creatively jacked head ever was how much half-assing things sucks moose dick. You have to be nuttier than my Nutsy Russell’s for thinking anyone will return palpable, fully felt love of any kind, if you ass anything like claiming powers of independent thought, when you’re enamored with sharing links of Tucker Carlson rehashes on Fox News, knowing the same man used a Grateful Dead song from Mars Hotel, Ship Of Fools, as the tile for a book of political essays to give marble mouthed Greg Gutfeld blue balls of less fawned over suckitude in comparison, who’s still not arousing sustained stiffage among anyone in his presence ever. But seriously, how can you respect another lazy brain, fake news Journalist for Vulture or the Atlantic, when they get triggered by another ho-hum, one note, serially boring ass monotone, emotionally divorced monologue from Tucker Carlson, when it was his wife hiding in the closet in a sea of leftover dirty, Vineyard Vine boxer briefs when ANTIFA came knocking at his home address in D.C, not the other way around. The same Tucker Carlson who named his book of essays after a Grateful Dead song from Mar’ Hotel, in addition to Morrison Hotel by the Doors, which is the double whammy of wannabe be poetic pronounced shame. Tucker Carlson doesn’t have one pothead friend left from Boarding School since he left CNN for Fox News. Interviewing Kid Rock after the fact because he’s got a new record to sell about COVID damage done, doesn’t count, Challah. Resist This Neil Young, thank you very much.

So, don’t be a lazy brain minion like deviated septum Hunter, who only heard last from the bathroom stall till he gave up blow for blow painting allegedly. Be really gay about pleasing your kids with the extra effort in whatever you do to make them happier in your presence like when you involve them in making Far From Winging It Wings with a homemade barbeque sauce, that’s so holy shit good, your own meat adverse eating daughter, will claim she likes better than your Leo Lox Scramble Supreme, which again is good work if you can get it. My youngest Samuel Chosen Curls Was Bound To Woo sucked the succulent meat off the bones dry and said, “Daddy, I sucked all the meat off the bone, the way Papa’s father did.” Who says, ancient biblical traditions don’t matter? Granted, my grandfather who died before I was born on my Dad’s Jewish side never recorded a comedy record called Funny Enough Fagala nor used a Pomegranate Molasses squirt bottle squeeze adding to his homemade barbeque sauce, but he was never a shadowbanned stay at home shemale comedian who had as much free time on his hands to forsake half-assing fatherhood with.

Regime change starts at rebuking past governing laws of doing what’s edible good versus dedicated your soul towards making mega bomb hits that crack the sky with holy shit, wow worthy, third servings are around the bend magnitude, which points toward the right way to do things by unearthing the extra special sauce love inside us all.

Michael Kornbluth