Killer With A Cause

Edgeless comedy blows.

Reason to forsake Adderall. When you take it long enough in a row, it feels like a burnt-out devil is stuck in your head, intent on stealing your time, soul and brain from its intended form forever.

Yesterday, I sensed a lit agent being a smug prick in declining an offer of representation for my book The Koshertarian Comedian. So, I check his Twitter feed, which includes a retweet about Melania failing at defeating cyberbullying with a screen shot of her husband’s suspended account. So, just to fuck with him back, I email, “Fuck your fake news sincerity. Trump won. But keep thinking Mr. Groper got more votes than Trump or Obama Be Good ever did. Which is like claiming DMX gave up weed for catnip during Lent. DMX lives. Yonker’s is getting black as shit up in here Challah, thank you very much.

If you’re still concerned about catching COVID, then just admit your precious vaccine works less than Jared Kushner does on his tan, when he’s got Ivanka to do whenever she talks dirty to him in Mandarin on his birthday again, resuming her role as Christina Tightcoochie, otherwise known as Jewess Who Swallows. 2 seconds later, Jared Kushner blows a follow-up load for 2 minutes straight into her pearly white face and says, The Russians are coming, the Russians are coming. Hide your borscht soup recipe for Passover or we’re screwed Trumpy Goo.” Can I get a holla for some money blasting Challahs? Killer With A Cause, Challah, thank you very much.

The new mayor of NY consulted the mayor of Chicago, lead maker of blood controlling kits in our country, on how to tackle crime better than the cast of 21 Jump Street without Johnny Depp willing to resume his FBI informant role in Donnie Brosco Does BLM Busts The Most for anything less than 50 million in bitcoin and all the cases of Chateau Margaux Keith Richards can drink.

How can the mayor of NY tackle crime better? Why not, condemn Jussie Smollett for trying to incite a race war on Obama Be Good’s behalf and say to the NY media, “Deplorable is anyone who’s glad Jussie Smollett took a shot.”  At least it’s a start.

What’s a woman? 2 tits, a hole and a heartbeat, right? Next question. Nancy Denture Breath Pelosi needs a working heart for an actual heart transplant, so she’s off the to do list, Challah. Thank you very much.

What’s the science behind exempting the Mets 1st baseman from getting the clot shot over 1st responders who ran into the Second Tower without sweating the prospecting of catching an itchy esophagus? Gold Gloves matter most.

What’s the science behind discharging Marines who refuse to take the clot shot? Fuck Face Fauci is my friend, no matter what. Who cares if the DOD database says COVID vaccine shots cause a 300 increase in miscarriages? Court packing the Supreme Court with pizza partying throwing pedophile sympathizers means those kids would’ve been in breathing distance of early release child predators anyway.

The Don’t Say Gay bill will kill kids? Yeah, like Rolling Stone Magazine refraining from calling Michael Jackson gay killed off his age of innocence ruining terror like a smooth criminal. What would Michael Jackson say in his defense against all his Never Land accusers today Rolling Stone? All the Beatles royalty points in the world can’t buy me love.

Am I the only one who doesn’t think it’s kosher for the kindergarten teacher in Billy Madison to be teaching my kids about masturbation just yet? What can Veronica Vaughn add to that conversation that Do It All Dad can’t?  When your Pete Sampras, you can pick out any ball girl you like. And you don’t have to play with yourself anymore like you do with your GI-Joe figures.

In Kentucky they offer self-pleasure workshops for toddlers, which is fitting I guess, when finger food down there is considered anything that tastes like your cousin’s panties. Those same self-pleasure workshops offer hands on lessons on simulating masturbation called Giving Up Blow For Blow Painting to get off instead by Hunter Biden, AKA Sir Snort A Lot, whose done hearing last call from the bathroom stall at Molly Malone’s while his biker bud extras from the Sons of Anarchy yell, “Where’s Hunter? Who else is going to pay for this shit?”

My daughter has ruined Jello for me by saying, “It’s made of horse bones daddy.” So, I got back at and her said, “Linzer Tart cookies are made out of Unicorn Periods.”

It’s hard to keep the Tooth Fairy story alive when you blank on putting money under your daughter’s pillow again. Daughter says, “Daddy, is the Tooth Fairy even real? I say, “The Rock slept in for a change alright.”

Why would my mom think my brother’s ex-wife would return her diamond engagement ring after he expunged her inner light forever? That’s like giving a girl HIV unintentionally but expecting her to return the Lexington Steel replica dildo used to fuck her over and help seal the deal with.

Just learned that Zelensky had his 2 kids baptized. So, calling Zelensky Jewish is like calling Jihadi John Jewish, just saying. Which reminds me, ISIS aren’t good recruiters. They just hit on lonely virgins on What’s App, who wish their phones blew up. And a 2-state solution is inconceivable if the Muslim Brotherhood in the struggle keep fucking. Also, why are Jihadists in general so into deflowering virgins? Don’t these divine powered angels of light have enough bloods on their hands already?

My mom focuses way too much on my 11-year-old daughter’s legs, who go on for miles and miles. Granted, her hips already hit the ceiling. Still, doing my best Trump impersonation while judging my daughter’s statuesque figure in the making feels more off wrong than Kosher right for me but I’ll try anyway.  She’s Miss New York material for sure mom. So, clap your hands for the next Miss America but Trump keep your hands up where I see them. All of a sudden, I feel like I’m conducting a Zoom call with Jefferey Toobin at CNN for Drag Queen Reading Hour Appreciation Day.

I’m opposed to Drag Queen Reading hour, because fluorescent library lights don’t look flattering on anybody, especially on a poor man’s Marilyn Manson impersonator.

Why should I side with my great Aunt who fired her maid of 20 years for refusing to wear mask while cleaning her toilets? I’d prefer to take the maid out to lunch at Russ & Daughters and offer her all the smoked salmon platters she wants for sticking to her guns.

You know gas is expensive when 10 dollars isn’t enough to last you through smoking a half a pinner.

People Magazine is blaming blood clots on unhealthy diets now. Then, why is Raphael Nadal complaining of sudden chest pains? He abstains from gluten and from following the herd mentality. Wait a minute, that’s Djokovic, my bad.

How can you say sentences for child rapists are too harsh? 80 percent of the prison population wouldn’t be in there if they weren’t fucked over by some parental figure in one capacity or another. The arc of justice has gone straight to hell if Americans defend any Supreme Court Justice nominee pick who plays the opposition research Pete Townshend card while defending hand slapping punishment against pedophilia, when Joe from Scranton clicked on Soapybottomsnothingtoseehereatmoveon.org. Alex Jones lives, Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Smackdown Satan

“You shall not misuse the name of the Lord by calling him “Fake News Mercy God”, Lucifer. Just because God won’t give WWF wrestler Bam, Bam Bigelow his angel wings, despite you having a soft spot for flaming bear wrestlers in tights.” Arch Angel of Heaven, Michael says. Lucifer fires back with, “Michael means “Who is like God.” You mean another micromanager control freak. I give humans the permission to exercise free will in the service of pleasing themselves. That makes me the good life giver, not God, Michael.” Michael says, “You don’t get to be the ears of Lucifer, I do.” Lucifer says, “Don’t think for a second, I want to trade winged tipped shoes with you Michael. Your name Michael means who is like God. You mean another micromanager square who won’t give Bam, Bam Bigelow his angel wings because he considers drug overdoses a form of subconscious suicide. Your name Michael means who is like God, but what it really means is sloppy second spokesperson after Moses. And if Moses really knew God face to face, then why didn’t he prophesize about the condemnation of goatees on metal rappers during Woodstock 94, before the entire shit show went up in flames?  But that’s what happens when Jewel is considered a seat stayer middling act before Limp Bizkit gave Carson Daily sustained stiffage until Kid Rock’s performance blew everyone away in college bliss paradise.” Michael says, “Why am I hearing a new rumor around Heaven about you being the voice behind the Burning Bush Lucifer? You’d literally piss on Moses’s grave if you knew where to find it. And you wonder why God makes you feel like the sloppy second son, brother.” Lucifer says, “I was the voice behind the Burning Bush. It was a prank I learned at Angel Magic Camp. I enjoy hearing Moses stutter like the kid in Billy Madison. But Moses didn’t shatter his teeth from stuttering after I spoke to him through the Burning Bush as expected. At the same time, Moses stumbling to articulate more excuses to turn down God’s job offer was hilarious. “Whiny Jews chosen to complain about not receiving immediate recognized sit-down service at restaurants in Del Ray Beach won’t take me seriously as your chosen your spokesperson Lord. It’s not as simple as Joan Rivers hocking jewelry to Midwest housewives she detested on the QVC. I project less than Kamala Harris in the lock jaw love position. The Jewish elders won’t believe we possess the power to wrestle our Jewish brothers and sisters away from the arms of slavery, despite our God given ability to hondle better than an Egyptian. Jews are slaves to poor taste in the form of bankrolling overrated musicals like Hamilton, which sounds more awkward forced than Don Lemon rapping to Obama on his birthday with a generic, hip flavored, Shakesperian accent.  Why would Pharoah release our people from Slavery? What form of leverage do we have to offer our Lord besides the threat of my cousin Schlonka boring Pharoh to death through her mustard making workshop seminar at local JCC?” Michael, says, “Remember when God said to Mosses, God’s favorite prophet on Ranker and on Quora, last I time I checked, “You shall have no other God’s before me”, little brother? Well, that includes your Olympian size ego that rivals Obama Be Good. Who I’m sure doesn’t pleasure himself in front of the mirror naked the way you do.” Lucifer says, “That’s because Obama isn’t circumcised. I can’t get aroused by the ant eater look either.” Michael says, “Future Talmudic scholars will amplify God’s commandments in relation to you little brow when stating, “You shall not suck off the totality of your own awesomeness and refrain from stroking off what elongated love you provide the universe without 1st giving shout out props to the all mighty for endowing you with such special equipment to become a star powered lighter upper with 1st.”  Lucifer says, “But similar to Jeffery Bruckheimer, God’s not the only big swinging dick in the producer business Michael. Tell that to Brian Grazer at Imagine Entertainment or to Mark Wahlberg, who’s the executive producer of Entourage for Christ’s sake.”

Michael says, “And you wonder why God never speaks directly to you anymore, just grumbling to his assistant Joshua in the background whenever you call on his birthday again or bother to text Shana Tova and wish him a happy Jewish new year.” Lucifer says, “Communication is a 2-way street brother. And if I do hear from our holy father, it’s because he’s dictating another business memo to his cherished assistant Joshua, the temp who could transcribe all the sketched in stone commandments without complaining about surging case of carpel tunnel syndrome development in the making. The last business memo Dad sent me was called, “Life Giver God”. The all mighty called me a bigger a plus narcissist than Kayne West for claiming I could come up with better logo designs for my own line of winged, high tops sneakers like the one with a space shuttle in the form of a dragon called Rarefied Air Lucifer’s.” Michael says, “We get it Lucifer, you want to feel like God’s gift to the universe 24/7 but forget angel wing promoting power, that’s far outside of your pay grade brother. Granted, Bam, Bam Bigelow was a phenomenal wrester for his size, who power slammed his opponents into the mat with forceful funk authority like a more feral Junk Yard Dog, cranked up on Crystal Meth despite swallowing a cauldron of Hooter’s hot wings. Still, you don’t get to draft your own team of archnemesis angels.  So, stop acting as if your Dr. Jerry Buss in Winning Time on HBO who was anointed with savior type status for the city of angles, with the deep pockets to match. At least Kayne made money enough money off his artistry to justify his ego enlargement therapy sessions on wax for Def Jam and Roc-A-Fella records. Have you even had a real job Lucifer?  And playing the role of a freelance fortune teller writer doesn’t count, especially when you couldn’t even sell your own brand of weed oil pens to a Chinese Restaurant weed dispensary in Oak town, Dragon Lungs Incorporated, despite Snoop Dog’s endorsement on it. Maybe, our father in Heaven decided it was time for divine intervention again and appeared in a puff of bong smoke when Cyprus Hills was in town refusing to socially distance from Mary Jane for more than 2 seconds at a time and freaked out the owner of Dragon Lungs Incorporated, the moment he started making damning Snoop Dog jokes. Have you tried Snoop Dog’s new wine yet? According to Wine Advocate, “It tastes like mouth wash used in porn hood hell.”  Lucifer says, “Enough talk. I challenge you to a Ladder match in Heaven to wrestle away your precious favored angel status from Dad.” Problem is you don’t know how to fight do you, Michael? Michael says, “Unlike you Lucifer, I have friends in high places, to end your endless smack talking about Big Mouth Moses for good.”

A winged, Macho Man Savage launches into his famed elbow drop from way up high in the Heavens on top of Lucifer’s head while God from above bellows, “Oh yeah”. God adds, “You want to be my ears now Lucifer you got it.” Next, a winged Super Fly Jimmy Snuka comes flying down off a golden ladder tall as the World Trade Center with a coconut in hand that smashes into 2 as it comes crashing down on Lucifer’s rapidly rupturing head.” Then, a winged Owen Hart, swoops in to unleash a dropkick that smacks Lucifer into Hell, to deliver justice for all, especially in honor of Moses, Abraham and David who earned the plethora of good man shout outs in the Torah for a reason. Michael gives a bunch of ariel high fives to his new angel brothers in arms, Macho Man, Super Fly and Owen Hart, all highflyers till the end of time and says, “Slim Jim’s on me” as Flying High by Ozzy Osbourne blares on God’s decked out gold plated surround sound speakers as guitar God Randy Rhodes puts on a one man show for all WWF angels including the female wrestler China in attendance despite Lucifer talking her into doing that sex tape Back Door To Chyna in addition to her subconscious suicide from pills and booze. Even God, is a softy for female body builders and gave her angel wings because she already shouldered the responsibility of being the 1st major WWE female wrestler star to break in the big, in the “attitude era”, while becoming the only female wrestler to win the Intercontinental Belt Championship, let alone beat Triple H and high flying, metal howler Chris Jericho. Besides, who else is going to break balls about Macho Man’s steroid size nuts in Heaven with such divine powered authority. “Hey, Randy, can I be your new Miss Elizbeth in heaven? I know, your balls filled a missing person report ages ago, but are they still big enough to take on the Chyna challenge, which is drilling my hole into China for shits and giggles for Big Trouble in Back Door Chyna Part 2.” Macho Man screams, “Hell yeah. Then again, power slams are more up Bam, Bam, Bigelow’s alley.”

Michael Kornbluth