Birth of a Pescatarian Comedian

I didn’t have much of a choice. Girlfriend now wife pitches. I’ll let you raise our future kids Jewish if we raise them pescatarian. Jesus was the original super Jew, sold.

Scientifically, the Pescatarian Diet has been proven to be the healthiest diet for guys who’d rather nosh on primo smoke salmon than burp up fish oil supplement residue.

The Pescatarian diet is like the Mediterranean Diet. Without fussing over whether you fry up your Greek Omelette in butter over olive oil compared to your little Greek Landlord. Who doesn’t have much leanage in his favor.

If I dare to cook a lamb burger at home. My kids yell yuck, yuck. So I outshine mommy in the kitchen with my Mexican Lasagna mixed with my homemade salsa on top of corn tortillas so my wife feels beneath me.

My wife can’t hide her dejected disgust whenever the 1st bites of my veggie casserole supreme prompt my kids to launch into their fabled yummy dance. Whizzing around the room yelling best daddy ever, best daddy ever.

Complex Carbs like whole grain animal crackers suck. If it tastes like shit, it’s shit. Nothing complex to comprehend here.

Arugula greens take my late night grill cheese sessions higher. Plus, the next morning I don’t feel so bitter about my mom raising a fat fuck on pure P&J’s alone.

My anti-oxidant rich kids never get sick. Unless my parents just wrapped up their annual visit. Apparently, good strawberries and baby spinach are harder to find in Scottsdale, Arizona than fat MILFs.

I’m a smoothie no hemp powder lover. Hemp Powder is Indigo Girls performing naked gross. Trust me.

No Peanuts at school. One of the kids is allergic. No Snoopy shirts either? Arthur loves his snoopy shirt where Snoopy is sporting an Uncle Sam hat. Let me guess. It’s too military recruiter pushy for the parents taste.

There’s a kid allergic to peanuts. So sorry. Arthur isn’t itching to watch a Charlie Brown Thanksgiving again either. Or he’ll break down into non-laughing hysterics.

Agave isn’t so sweet like my mother in law. It’s no wow worthy sub for honey. Agave is like Sammy Hagar’s tequila. It goes down Van Halen light. Got it good.

In defense of fish, you’re gross for ever admitting to liking Pop Tarts Jim Gaffigan. Fun Dip packs more hefty flavor. Your joke servings are so edgy, edgy, edgy.

Greek Yogurt has double the protein of regular yogurt. So that’s why my little Greek landlord can bench press twice his weight easy.

Jenna Jameson does the Kito diet good. She’s dropped crazy weight. Plus, Jenna was a real porn star. Calling Stormy Daniels one is like relegating Lexington Steele to a mere sideline freak.

This old daddy likes it raw. Red bell peppers dipped in homemade ranch is healthier than dipping into murkier, old dirty ho traps at the club.

Cauliflower or cat piss? That is the question. Before you cook it of course.

So you give up chicken parm for shrimp parm. Rocky gave up egg and cheeses when he trained to fight Apollo. You are what you eat fellas. So are you chicken shit or not?

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Daddy Isn’t Pescatarian

Int. Dinner Table
Daughter
Are you eating meat?
Daddy
Sake Steamed Chicken with ginger and scallions.
Son
But daddy we’re Pescatarian.
Daddy
Daddy isn’t Pescatarian. I’ll drink another sake bomb to that.

Int. Dinner Table
Daughter
Are those meat tacos?
Daddy
Duck tacos actually.
Son
But daddy we’re Pescatarian.
Daddy
Daddy isn’t Pescatarian.
Duck skin doesn’t count.
Hipster cred beckons.

Int. Dinner Table
Daughter
Are you eating meat?
Daddy
Cheese steak to be exact.
Son
But daddy we’re Pescatarian.
Daddy
Daddy isn’t Pescatarian.
I’ve got semi-sharp provolone left to put some hair on your nuts.

Int. Breakfast Table
Daughter
Is that sausage?
Daddy
Turkey Sausage actually.
Son
But daddy we’re Pescatarian.
Daddy
Daddy isn’t Pescatarian.
And I was eating Turkey Burgers in LA before Jeremy Piven on Entourage.

Int. Dinner Table
Daughter
Is that a Field Roast from Whole Foods?
Dad
Traditional meatloaf with added veal meat for extra supple filling.
Son
But daddy we’re Pescatarian.
Daddy
Daddy isn’t Pescatarian.
Resist this.

Int. Dinner Table
Daughter
Are you eating meat?
Daddy
Stir Fried, Hunan Beef.
Son
But daddy we’re Pescatarian.
Daddy
Like the original super Jew Jesus Christ. Good for you.

Int. Dinner Table
Daughter
Are you eating chicken?
Daddy
Fragrant Crispy Chicken.
Son
But daddy we’re Pescatarian.
Daddy
Daddy isn’t Pescatarian.
Doesn’t smell so yuck, yuck, anymore. Does it?
Int. Dinner Table
Daughter
Are you eating chicken?
Daddy
Soy Sauce Chicken Wings.
Son
But daddy we’re Pescatarian.
Daddy
Daddy isn’t Pescatarian.
We ran out of blue cheese.
Carrots in Sun Butter instead?

Int. Dinner Table
Daughter
Are you eating chicken?
Daddy
Beggar’s Chicken.
Son
But daddy we’re Pescatarian.
Daddy
Daddy isn’t Pescatarian.
You want to dance for a nibble?

Int. Dinner Table
Daughter
Are you eating chicken?
Daddy
Oyster Chicken.
Son
But daddy were Pescatarian.
Daddy
Daddy isn’t Pescatarian.
I’ll save some Oyster sauce. You can dip my scallions in it.

Int. Dinner Table
Daughter
Are you eating chicken?
Daddy
Actually, Cantonese Pressed Duck.
Son
But daddy we’re Pescatarian.
Daddy
Daddy isn’t Pescatarian.
And I’ve been ducking this dish for years

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth