Best Friend Israel Never Had

When you broker a peace treaty between Israel and the United Arab of Emirates, dismantle the nuke timeout deal with Iran and move our embassy to Jerusalem, it makes President Trump more of a Hebrew Nationalist. But black Hebrews can’t be anti-Jew because they’re the real chosen people according to Nick Cannon. Plus, in Nick Cannon’s defense, he isn’t another self-hating Jew hire to manage the post woke editorial board for the New York Times.

Michael Kornbluth

 

Failing The Friendship Litmus Test

Should friendships be stronger than politics? Yes, the solid ones should. But I’m tired of hearing about how entertainers like Dolly Parton have friends on both sides of the aisle, which is fine, yet if you’re not an established entertainer star like Dolly or married to Ivanka like Jared Kushner, brokering peace treaties with United Arab of Emirates with Israel, secure in you professional standing in life, the temptation to just walk away from those so called friendships and minimize contact with your siblings and parents is way stronger after you’ve made the decision to be pushover putzy no more to appease their offended ego’s for daring to think different like the asshole at Apple, who his daughter hated, while exploiting the brainpower of smarter, more technically sound nerds, whose only true innovation he can claim has is own, was Casual Friday.

The temptation to cut your losses or spend significantly less time with old friends and family members in your life, wife included, is because in this age of me smart, Trump bad, has exposed this so called inner sanctum for being the real narcissistic prick they obsessively claim President Trump to be. Also, you suffer from major self-esteem issues, if you allow these people to control you and censor you through fear by trying shame you into adopting their alleged, holier than now, point of view, no matter how much they’ve tried to make you question your sanity and sense of right versus wrong for the past 3 years and counting. People evolve or not, and I’ve lost zero interest in making an effort to stay in contact with those who can’t respect my individuality like I’m a brainwashed lone wolf recruiters wet dream for Al-Qaeda.

These past 3 years, have also taught Trump supporters how how certain friends or family members don’t make the ideal backup group in your life, when they refuse to concede any good generation in those you believe in.  You also glaringly fail the friendship litmus test, when you actually have the gaul to decry a friend’s political beliefs as dumb, when you haven’t even uttered how ANTIFA are a bunch of vigilante Punisher wannabes in hoodies tweaked out on Crystal Meth yet.

Last, you lose all motivational zeal to pick up the phone, when your parents, siblings or old friends call, knowing how the past 3 years and counting has only reinforced your depressingly nagging suspicion about how these people who are supposed to love your own special brand individuality, never valued your intelligence or capacity for critical thought to much in the 1st place, especially when they go out their way, to make you feel bad about yourself for trusting your own instincts, dreaming big and for rising above their limited, cubicle contained imaginations of what you’re capable of achieving without their huffy, belabored, no longer sought after approval after all.

Michael Kornbluth

 

True Lincoln Log Story, Google It,

True, Lincoln Log story, Google it. My great, great, great grandfather, Austin Gollaher, saved his boyhood bud Abraham Lincoln from drowning, yet nobody ever heard of him and he couldn’t rub 2 pennies together before he died a broke down, never was.  Because when Abe was drowning to death in the river because he slipped on a log while crossing Knob Creek to rush back in time for supper or miss out on more Raccoon soup, a 7 year old Abe, had a vision of  liberating the black man from slavery but had his friend Austin promise to never tell anyone about him almost drowning to death because Abe couldn’t let the black man know he was a worst swimmer than they. What a gyp?  Poor Austin never got to cash in on the greatest Presidential save after JFK kept Marilyn warm for Bobby.   My great, great, great grandfather, Austin Gollaher was a man of his word and never told anyone about saving Abe’s life until after his assassination, but he had to have been tempted from time to time, especially at the local moonshine shack on a Friday night, when the circus was in town and the famous circus Elephant Old Bet got all the peanuts he can eat. Meanwhile, my great, great, great Grandfather Austin Gollaher, stares down his last sip of 200 proof White Lightning, thinking, “ Hillbilly lives don’t matter much anymore.”

Michael Kornbluth

Resisting Unsolicited Parenting Advice

I hate woman who give me unsolicited advice whenever I’m out in public with my 3 kids because they’re being passive aggressive buzz kills, who never get anyone high off their presence alone ever.  I’m in the process of putting a mask on my 3-year-old before entering a fancy cheese chop in the burbs because I’m grooming shishy bitches on the rise and I hear, “The mask is covering his eyes.” I blurt out, “Don’t act you’re a must-see star attraction all of a sudden babe. I’ve been entertaining 3 kids for 3 summers in a row with no centralized AC or virtual grandparents in sight and loving almost every second of it. So, when your blah brained, hubby, starts to outshine you in the parenting department, it means, you’re a more annoying cunt, than you give yourself credit for babe. If you had big tits, it would at least soften the blow of you trying to characterize me as a bumbling jerkoff putz who can’t tell whether he’s getting his son ready to enter a store post Corona for an overpriced grilled cheese, with gooey gruyere or a pinata smack off for my white privileged seed because their father doesn’t treat them like a shameful, resurgent herpes sore on the spot, runs off to his hack golf buds, as deep as the eighteen hole, whenever he likes, or just abandons their kid all together with his baby mama, because he’s got fresher snatch to spew into next, which trumps being in position to do cartwheels into his kid’s hearts which matters most, unless you want to be responsible for birthing another kid stuck in an endless cycle of violence or drugs to rebel against a chillingly indifferent world, that never gave me him a fighting chance to become somebody to believe in, yeah, yeah.

Michael Kornbluth