Tag: funny

God Gives Kids To Only The Lonely

by doitalldadyear

God Gives Kids to Only The Lonely.
Turtle from Entourage never got stoned solo last time I checked. Or had issues talking Knicks on MSG like a man with big time connects despite being a dead weight conversationalist in real life.
God Gives Kids to Only The Lonely
So you should be done complaining now Shelia.
Are you too good for divine intervention now on your behalf?
God gives kids to only the lonely.
Of course God is thinking. So what’s the problem again Sandra?
Your band wasn’t Arcade Fire in the making. But I’m sure your back shoulder tattoo will age well. Tattoos are a big no, no in my book, you know?
God gives kids to the only the lonely.
So they don’t have to apply for IT headhunting jobs again knowing stay at home comedian dads command way more respect. On top of the lowly salary barely covering the cost of daycare alone.
God gives kids to only the lonely.
Especially, when his Loan Officer mother at JP Morgan Chase denies his connection request on LinkedIn. Because she doesn’t care to be associated with her IT headhunter, loudmouth “artist” son.
God gives kids to only the lonely
Especially to 1st born sons who have distant dads whose shoulders collapse when you go in for an obligatory, annual hug on your birthday.
son.
God gives kids to only the lonely.
Again, help me out here Liz. You wanted a kid to love you more than your fake friends and c word mom ever did? God bemoans from a burning bush on Mars. Watching MMA with Aries the God of War on Satellite.
God gives kids to only the lonely.
So stop complaining about how lonely you are Sharon? Now you have 1 more lunch buddy than you did in high school. Who likes Madonna’s earlier work also cry baby girl.

God gives kids to only the lonely.
So what are you bitching about now? God bemoans.
I know a Stay At Home Comedian Dad who doesn’t have a mommy meetup group for emotional support. Organized and led by his RN nurse wife no less.
God gives kids to only the lonely.
But you’re so lonely because your stuck with your 1 kid all day when your husband has to commute, endure pointless meetings and become a permanent hunchback. Have you ever made a cold call ever?
God does give kids to only the lonely.
So stop bitching about how lonely you are ladies.
With your kids in front of you. Filling your home with emotionally present love.
Your husbands business meetings aren’t too riveting. Get over it.
God gives kids to only the lonely.
Especially, when your 3 kids don’t know where their 2 so busy childless uncles live actually. Facebook Face-Time would be beyond weird at this point and excessively insufficient.
God gives kids to only the lonely.
Especially, any woman married into the Kennedy family. Which is more curse than gift, obviously.
God gives kids to only the lonely.
So stop playing the repressed victim of lonely motherhood. Also, your parents help out 3 times a week. Mine live in permanent vacation in their Arizona estate shrine to themselves forevermore.
God gives kids to only the lonely.
So stop complaining about the isolating pain of motherhood.
God’s thinking. How about talking to your kid in front of you to make you feel less lonely for a change. Read your kid Art of the Deal. Think bigger than you are right now. Do something.
God gives kids to only the lonely.
It’s a God given opportunity to mold an improved you. So stop bitching about how ungrateful your kid is. Get off your my life was so much better before. And be a better role model of pleasantness Franny.

God gives kids to only the lonely.
So stop whining over much you miss your producer career at CNN, Sharon. You can’t handle losing out on every night as date night for 3 months? Try 7 years and 3 kids in a row and get back to me.
God gives kid to only the lonely.
So stop bitching about how lonely you are ladies.
With your kids in front of you. Filling your home with emotionally present love.
Your husbands business meetings aren’t too riveting. Get over it.
God gives kids to only the lonely.
Or to the flaky, melodramatic diva. To make her realize how shitty it was to abandon her so called best friend after the birth of her daughter during her Postpartum blues. But, what do I know? Only God knows why!
The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Favorites Never Change

by doitalldadyear

Favorites Never Change
Your brother is trying to achieve something important.
So am I dad. Too bad you’re running low on faith in me, After blowing your entire load on my baby brother.

Favorites Never Change
Your brother loves you. I’m still getting past his request for me to get him baked knowing he was supposed to be in charge of babysitting my 2 kids as I rushed to the delivery room for lucky number 3.

Favorites Never Change
He’s still your brother. Dad, stop acting like I’ve shunned him from my life forever. I’m still waiting for him to read my blog I’m a better dad than Harold Ramis because. Since I told him I had skin cancer.

Favorites Never Change
You have no reason to be mad at your brother.
He never made you an unfulfilled skin cancer promise.

Favorites Never Change
You can bash your brother all you want.
I didn’t bring attention to him using a picture of my newborn as his new Facebook photo so he could attract more maternal muff in his late, balding thirties.

Favorites Never Change
All my friends are dying on me. So I’d like to focus on the positives in my life. Is that why you started the conversation about how I need to stroke my baby brother’s ego more? Let me focus on my own 3 kids 1st.

My daughter uncle bashing, not me.
Don’t you think it’s weird, Uncle Mick hasn’t visited our house yet?
Oh yeah that’s right. His wife hates you Dada. And Uncle Mick suffers from a nutless sack allergy.

My daughter uncle bashing, not me.
Uncle Mick is boring and doesn’t look as good as Uncle John.
He’s zero energy Dada. Kornbluth brother 1 Duffy brother zero.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

LaVar Ball As My Sub Dad Growing Up

by doitalldadyear

I’d have more brothers to play with over my GI-Joe Figures way past puberty. It was a road block to my emotional development.

He’d hold spin the bottle house parties in my honor.
But only invite stuck up Jenny down the block.
2 minutes in, he barks. The Yahoo bottle doesn’t spin itself bitch.

I’d be more inclined to my buy my dad a Bentley with unbridled enthusiasm. Instead, of the gift giving possessing a cold, transactionary, I owe you for college and for paying Pre-K way.

I’d prank call Cuba Gooding. And challenge Cuba and Laurence Fishburne to games of 2 on 2 for 64’s of Old E. Just to watch my Dad LaVar Ball pour the 64’s on Fishburne and call him a low IQ baller.

He’d make sure I lost my virginity before my younger brother did. So I wouldn’t feel like a big brother bust like Eddie Curry or Greg Oden. With an even shittier, less reliable hook shot.

My highlight varsity year would be more than scoring a whopping 12 points against an all Japanese team in suburban NY. The players ran away from me like movie extras in a Godzilla film.

My dad still wouldn’t be sporting the same pair of ashy sweats from 88.
Totally ruining his 1st type Skype call with his grandchildren in retirement splendor from Scottsdale, Arizona.

My father’s favorite nickname for me wouldn’t be a Waste of Height but instead be Manifest Baller Destiny.

We mirror our dad’s behavior. So I wouldn’t have taken up smoking cigarettes at the time or only get off the couch to tear down my John Stark’ poster after he failed to elevate the Knick’s past Houston.

He’d send me to Big Man Camp to build up my toughness. Instead of to a Jewish sleep away camp where I was the 2nd worst athlete after the Shiek’s son from Great Neck, Long Island.

My 1st concert would be Public Enemy with Anthrax, for the Bring the Noise, bring the funk tour. And I wouldn’t have to feel so self-conscious Jewish in the presence of skinheads and one percenters in attendance.

He’d offer Rihanna future sneaker profit participation points for popping my cherry. So I’d pick and pop from way downtown with bigger baller authority.

I’d still get busted for stealing Hockey Cards at Child World in attempt to snag an Eric Lindros rookie card.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Grandpa’s Heart Not Into Doing More

by doitalldadyear

Grandpa’s heart not into making your life easier. Thanks for coming down to Delaware with the kids. Baba’s good for getting the kids fancy Ted Baker pajamas on holiday in England but after that we’re spent.

Grandpa telling you to make other life uprooting plans without his assistance. Growing up, you lived thousands of miles away from your grandparents. Wife says. Yeah, and mom starting throwing knives at you, remember?

Grandpa’s heart not into you moving closer to him. Uncle Mick might have a kid with Kelly. And he already lives much closer to us than you do. Plus, Uncle Mick didn’t marry a loud mouth Jew, last time I checked.

Grandpa pushing us away from moving to Delaware. Don’t move just for us. Wife says. We’d only move there so my husband can dig up Nazi gold at the DuPont Estate. To mine material for his latest and greatest heist script to become to the new Tarantino.

Grandpa’s heart not into you moving closer to him. Your mom Skypes her sisters in England all the time. My wife says. But mom doesn’t have to get off her fat ass for that. Oh, that’s right. She’s got the dog for exercise now.

Grandpa’s heart wanting no part in being a more involved Grandpa to your 3 kids anytime soon. I don’t want you to sabotage your career just to be closer to us. Daughter says. I’d find a better job 1st Dad. You’re stuck with mom, not me.

Grandpa’s heart not being into you moving your 3 grandchildren even remotely close to his neighborhood. Still work in Philly. Got my own soccer league. I moonlight as an erudite, Irish Pat Cooper on the side minus the jealous inducing personality.

Grandpa’s heart not into being a more involved grandpa for his 3 grandchildren anytime soon. Your mom still needs surgery on her right knee. I’m still paying off the bill for her left knee. Eroded from non-stop lethargy.

Grandpa’s heart not being into you moving your 3 grandchildren closer to him. I got a call about an SAP job in New Jersey. Wife says. So, you’ll live in hotel rooms and never see mom again because you’ll visit us on weekends?

Grandpa’s heart not into us moving closer to him. I like your home. We’re still only 3 hours away if you really need us. Plus, you’re a homeowner now and have less debut than me. So I’m not the best person to be a co-signer for you either.

 

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Sexualizing My Kids Toys Again

by doitalldadyear

Hey, Arthur. Do you think your girlfriend Mia snuggles up at night to her stuffed Uni she calls Arthur Corn? Does the thought of Mia snuggling you close light you up inside?

Forget boys when you get older Matilda. All you need is the naughty duckie waterproof massager. I remember mommy saying it’s your spirit animal actually.

Matilda, I love the Barbie display. Assuming they’re not in the middle of a casting call for Vivid Entertainment. Can we ease up on the massive spread eagle spreadage on the couch? Thanks.

Spidy Bear looks a tad Care Bear gimpy, don’t you think so Arthur?

I make out with my daughter’s stuffed Pineapple. You’re so scrumptious Pineapple Pretty. Daughter grabs Pineapple pretty from me. I know you’re a repressed father of 3 dada. But give it a rest already.

Stare down my daughter’s Pineapple stuffed animal Pineapple Pretty again. And say. I want to kiss you so bad Pineapple Pretty. 7 year old daughter says. Mama doesn’t stroke you enough does she? But act more repressed Dada. You’re so not into mama anymore.

Post bubble. I blurt. Hey Matilda. Can you grab your Cloudy pillow protector to cover up Enchilada? So the Chinese Underworld has less to see.

Be more gentle with Avocado Fuzz Face Samuel because bruised ones Avocados suck. Feel up Fuzz Face in a more a gentle manner to assess her optimal ripeness to devour instead.

Magenta is a flamboyant looking horse Matilda. I don’t see Will Rogers spinning any yarns about riding her around Christopher Street in Greenwich Village on top of some float back in the day.

Aqua Mermi has held up well after plenty of wear and tear. Neil Young felt the same way when he proposed to Daryl Hannah. He’s going through a late post mid life never banged a mermaid crisis.

Call my kids in Delaware for last minute stuffed animal ideas to get 1 last punchline out of. 4 year old son asks. Are you funnier than Weird Al yet dada? Working at it kid because I’m a dreamer. And I know I’m not the only 1.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

3 Kids Is Brave

by doitalldadyear

3 kids is brave.
God didn’t give me 3 kids to have a panic attack over it. Obviously, he never had the same confidence in you.

3 kids is brave.

After you introduce yourself to Paul Mooney when on the surface, you’re the white devil incarnate. Looking like Hugh Grant on stilts. Whose in a Harlem Jazz lounge for a callback audition. It doesn’t phase you as much girlfriend.

3 kids brave.
Kayne West is brave. So were Joan Rivers and Anthony Bourdain. Lets hope the times really are changing. And Trump pushes for Kayne to get a Pulitzer prize of literature for his next album Big Daddy T.

3 kids is brave
I felt the same way about blowing my allowance on 30 Shawn Kemp Sky Box rookie cards in the 7th grade. After he slammed his manliness down the Knick’s throats 1 stuff at a time.

3 kids is brave.
My 20 month old son on the Tilt a Whirl in Lake George was brave. He couldn’t tell if he was thrilled or scared about his whipped brain milkshake or not.

3 kids is brave.

I’m not sending them off to go backpacking through no go zones in Germany.
Come to think of it. That’s a way scarier threat than sending the kids off to military school down south.

3 kids is brave.

They’re superior company than most. For example, I’d never hang out with you if I didn’t buy wine at your shop ever. Unless you were golden, snappy and opened wide like Heidi Klum.

3 kids is brave.
Are you kidding me? My Kiss Army is more imposing than ever. I feel like we can take over Kabul in our SUV.

3 kids is brave.
Only if your wife is a pill popping degenerate. So I’ve got that going for me.

3 kids is brave

Once you take Acid again after college in your early thirties. Parenting 3 is a walk in the park. I also confused cocaine for Crystal Meth once. Later, I blurt. You thought I knew the difference Ming. What is this, the Pepsi Challenge?

3 Kids is brave.
So is Woody Allen stashing his Time Life snap shots of Soon-Yi in his top sock drawer for safe keeping.

3 kids is brave.
So is standing up to applaud Roman Polanski expecting no moral outrage feedback in return. He’s an overrated rapist compared to Cosby.

3 kids is brave.
Heckling Dice in his prime 2 drink minimum in at Dangerfields is brave. Especially, if you’re from down south. Where finger food is anything which tastes like your cousin’s panties, oh. I can’t take no more.

3 kids is brave.
So, is going to the South Bronx in high school to buy sprayed nickel bags that taste like Windex. Wearing your Lacoste watch and white privilege pre-fake news on your sleeve.

3 kids is brave.
My wife isn’t Sarah Palin in her late fifties either.

3 kids is brave
If my 1st were Siamese twins.

3 Kids Is Brave
Let’s not act like I have to send all 3 to private schools in Manhattan tomorrow. I’m still so broke. My Hebrew name is under judicial review.

3 kids is brave.
If you’re a Rice Farmer in China and not a member of Joy Luck reading club in the Pacific Heights neighborhood of San Francisco, sure.

3 kids is brave.
Not if your 1st born is Lady Gaga incarnate from a Star is Born. Who schools her 2 younger brothers on creative play, infinite kindness and how to deliver the funny in non-stop show topping style.

3 kids is brave.
Working up the courage to tell your wife to lose a solid twenty if she wants her hubby to mount her with real lustful feeling would be some real Brave Heart shit.

3 kids is brave.
I think 1st time moms bitching about how their working husbands get off the hook during their maternity leave. Knowing grandparents on both sides help out 3 times a week at least is more offensively ghaulish.

3 kids is brave.
So is titty shaming your 7 year old daughter in Trader Joes with Child Services lurking around the corner. Hey, Matilda, you want to load up on soy dogs. It’s not like you got any boobs to expand.

3 kids is brave.
If I opened up for Russell Brand on his next stand up comedy tour. And refused to ask the nanny for references because only racist HR hacks at Fortune 500 companies demand background checks at all.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Jokes You Won’t Hear on Kimmel

by doitalldadyear

Int. Bar
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I’ll have another Oktoberfest.
Because I’m an elitist seasonal beer drinker.

Nurse wife comes home in the morning after working all night. She’s done giving baby boob and asks. Can I go to bed now?

I reply.  Are we living under Sharia Law now?  Yes, you’re allowed to sleep now. But only after I titty fuck you with this bomb strapped to your chest.

Int. Pre-K
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Arthur won’t be in school tomorrow. I convinced his mother to take all 3 kids to Delaware for a long weekend. So I can get my book proposal out already. And not be a bitchy, dependent, underling the rest of my life.

Pre-K teacher laughs long time.

Resist this Eric Holder.
Jim Brown has been working at reforming LA gang members before Easy E kind of hit puberty.

Michelle Obama is class personified no doubt. As the ex 1st lady has she ever gone on record stating her 2 girls are composed, bright, celestial beams of light because she held them to higher social standards than ANTIFA? Just curious.

Int. Tavern
Older Woman
Your son is gorgeous. Your wife must be fetching in her own right.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
But her arm fat. Which my other 5 year old son points out at the dinner table. Weighs heavily on her overall bangability index score these days. If you really need to know.

Brutal day for resistors.
Kid Rock and Kayne have more talent, courage, humor, style and originality than all the Seth lame Meyer critic clones combined. If you’re still not afraid of Trump. You’re not into your mother as much as Seth Myers.

Brutal day for Jay Z fans for thinking he’s the well meaning good one.
Kayne at the White House today is discussing gang violence prevention and prison reform, not big J. Kayne’s got 99 mental problems, huh? But genuine independent thought from SNL isn’t 1.

Int. White House
Trump
Give my love to Kim.
Kayne
Lorne Michaels is still kvetching to Paul Simon over wheat grass shots as we speak.

Int. Oval Office
Trump
Give my love to Hank Williams Jr. Kid.
Kid Rock
You know Sarah Palin let me grab her for an autograph on my record Rock and Roll Jesus. But I gave Mike Pence 1st dibs.

The End

By,.

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

Mind of My Waiving Baby

by doitalldadyear

Resist my release power of love baby. My daddy called himself Dragon Lungs before Kayne starting dropping dragon power. For the record.

Funnier dad, happier baby. Looks like your shit out of luck kid.

You can call me the Flirt Show if you’d like. Call me in 11 years and 4 months. Then, I’ll be a Hebrew Hammer Man according to Deuteronomy. Dada has been brushing up on his Old Testament lately, Deuteronomy.

I don’t need Kayne West for permission to release the love long time. Thank you very much.

 

My dad quit weed for me. And that was his 2nd true love after the Knicks and Katie King in Cape Cod. No offense mom.

Raise your hands if you don’t just care. Give it a try today Obama. I double dare.

Dada always tells me how God gave me the universe. So don’t be an asshole about it. So excuse my excessive feel good vibe asshole. New York mommies have issues.

My mom’s boobs taste better than yours do. According to Dada, mommy tastes better than most.

Have you ever been the beneficiary of a harmonica rib or a falling putzy apple tree head smash into your midsection? No wonder your miserable. So excuse me while I ooze more positive vibrations into the air.

Dada knows best. This Trump Train is bound for glory. And pretty soon, dada is going to buy this town. With all his comedy gold. That’s what he’s going to do. That’s what he’s going to do.

I’m Dada’s air guitar appendage. And Metallica fires me up like Moth into the Flame. Sold your soul. Build a higher wall. Daddy, says anyone who says Metallica stopped rocking from the Black album on is fake news.

I hear daddy score laugh yankers from strangers all day long. He’s more of a stay young at heart dad. Despite being a 42 year old unemployed comedian. Have a feeling his book will be huge though.

The Johnny Cash shot of flipping the bird is overrated. Plus, Shel Silverstein wrote his best song A Boy Named Sue, sorry. Does it hurt? My big sister can sing Ring of Fire verbatim though

My life is one endless red carpet except I don’t live in Rape Wood. Thank God Dada got out alive

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth