Endless Blankets Of Love

4.5 IPA’s taste like circumcised happiness.

Daddy, what’s the biggest bra size imaginable? All I know is Jamey Farber lost everything scrumptious up top after dropping a solid thirty from her waist down during my 2nd year of sleep away camp. I know boobs are empty filler but she left me hanging.

 

INT. Home

Daughter

Daddy, do you want to how Shannon and I got so good at drawing horses?

Do It All Dad

You’re mesmerized by their well hung anatomy, prematurely at 8?

EXT. Stud Farm

Do It All Dad

Did you ever play a Polo Horse in a movie Hollywood Royalty?
Talking Horse

I could never keep a straight face, knowing Ralph Lauren is a scrappy Jew from the boogie down Bronx.

Do It All Dad

I used to buy weed there in High School, the sprayed kind, that tastes like Windex.

The NBA canceled the media availability for the remainder of the China Trip. Claiming it’s unfair to ask Lebron James questions about China because he never went to college, insisting those questions are culturally biased. But ask away about Trump.

 

Curt Shilling on CNN with Jake Tapper. Seriously, Jake, how can self-respecting Jew still vote Democrat. They treat baby face Omar with kiddie gloves like she’s some naive, brainwashed groupie just trying to win free concert tickets from Roger Waters.

INT. HOME

Do It All Dad

Shudras are servants in India. Chances are, I was a stay at home dad bitch in the past lifetime until I made the decision to earn my freedom.

Daughter

By doing stand up comedy for free at towny bars in Westchester County?

 

INT. HOME

Do It All Dad

The Bible says seeking out the counsel of medium’s, even it’s a talking Palomino Horse is forbidden.

Daughter

What if we just write off the counsel as you being a crazed schizophrenic? Who hears me crying even if I’m not anyway.

 

INT. HOME

Daughter

What are castes Dada?

Do It All Dad From upper middle, to lower deplorable is a chapter in my book, which explains what happens when you come out as pro Trumpian in Hillary Hammer Time Cankles country.

INT. HOME

Do It All Dad

The Hindus say our fates our determined by Karma.

Daughter

Well God, gave you endless blankets of love in the form of me, Arthur and Samuel. Who adore you more every day. Does that mean you’re straight shooter with purpose?

Michael Kornbluth

Ball Gags Made In China

What do Ellen and W bond over exactly? Besides being pro Bush. Do they invite Michelle Obama over for games of Operation, gender reassignment edition?

How does the withdrawal of 100 US troops help ISIS exactly? Will Jihadi John’s family come out of hiding under the ISIS witness protection program? Thinking, let’s start filming our comeback despite Turkey having less rules of war to follow.

The UN accuses Netherlands of Islamophobia over their Burka ban. But prostitutes in Amsterdam are on a widow display in the red light district of all colors, sizes and vary level of attractiveness. Plus, the sexual transactions aren’t against a woman’s will.

Henry Kissinger says the war against ISIS was never won. I recall Drone breath, do nothing to stop the draft or Vietnam, claiming 58,000 American lives. Our last war lost. Failing to overthrow Trump over a golden shower fantasy tale doesn’t count.

Better voters are the key to defeating Trump, Aaron Sorkin? Do more coke and write a play about a mad scientist who clones better voters in the mold of woke Mitty Romney’s, moron. Or just wing it on magic mushrooms and let Jeff Daniels help you.

Mattel released a doll with no gender. Does the doll identify as an Indifferent Asexualist? It must be a middle aged Ken Doll, whose wife threatens to dye his hair once he starts turning grey. Bemoaning his wife not having any hot friends to jerk off to.

It still disgusts me knowing Lebron get’s to play with Uni Brow. Knowing Ewing never bitched about Starks being his lone potential bail out number 2. At least when the Clippers beat them, Lebron can’t say he didn’t have enough good will hype in his favor.

Steve Kerr doesn’t protest against the hate speech police working at Facebook and Twitter for racially profiling all Trump supporters as dumb white trash. So I don’t see Kerr protesting red ball gags on NBA owners in Ted Cruz country, made in China, either.

Michael Kornbluth

Dreamboat Nanny Wish List

A new book states Obama doesn’t want to endorse Biden because Oprah doesn’t care for creative non fiction Chinese Spy Novels for her club.

Impeachment is worth losing the House over Denture Breath Pelosi? Like you were keeping the House without your non-dreaded impeachment inquiry. 250 days in and all the House Democrats have done is give Hunter heart palpitations on bad coke.

President Pelosi could happen Washington Post? While we’re lost on fantasy island. Let’s print Mike Pence get’s crucified for calling his wife prettier than Stormy Daniels in his eyes.

AOC meeting Bernie at a Vermont Diner.

Bernie

The Reuben here is supurb.

AOC

18 dollars for a Reuben in Vermont?

Waitress

Bernie hasn’t paid off your off student loans yet in exchange for your endorsement for President AOC? My husband works for ICE, you demonizing bitch.

AOC meeting Bernie at a Vermont Diner.

AOC

Why is the Seth Rich murder the only unsolved murder in DC history Uncle Bernie?

Uncle Bernie

Have you seen my Lake House on Lake Champagne yet?

Trump is obsessed with Hillary Hamertime Cankles because he’s an illegitimate president? No you lost because you’re an unhuggable cunt. 2 time loser baby boomer moms don’t know best.

Director Joss Whedon wants Trump banned from Twitter in the interests of national security. What does his mental sanity have to do with US national security? Write a Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie to screen at Allan Ball’s boy toy pad and shut up.

A ninth woman accused Al Franken of groping her. Franken should’ve stayed on at SNL and stuck to rubbing up against fatties during rush hour on the F Line to 30 Rock.

INT. CAR

Daughter

Only beer?

Do It All Dad

Oktoberfest by Sierra Nevada to be exact. Beer Advocate describes the beer as possessing kisses of dark chocolate if that makes you feeling any better about mom and dad’s desert.

Good Will Hoodie declaring war against Elizabeth Warren.
Facebook is too big, cry me a river Warren. You think Twitter is going to swing votes in your favor? Trump pays the highest per click rate for Indian Casinos to appear every time somebody googles Warren.

We got 30,000 contracted content moderators at Facebook to monitor Diamond and Silk for anymore election interference finger waiving bullshit.

INT. HOME

Do It All Dad

Tell me about your dream nanny.

Daughter

She can teach me how to make brownies.

Do It All Dad

Unlike Baba who blows you off with, “I’ll teach you later dear. I must act busy in the kitchen to justify my absentee existence in your life . ”

Impeachment process was too slow for John Wilkes Boothe SNL? Too bad Pete Davidson can’t train any ANTIFA thugs in a pink hoodie like a Navy Seal. Lorne Michaels hates how much funnier Trump is. Sandler and Norm are the best things on SNL ever.

Impeachment process was too slow for John Wilkes Boothe SNL? Johnny Depp is channeling his inner Hunter S Thompson in the form of freelance joke submissions for SNL now? Nixon accelerated our war in Vietnam, Trump ordered the destruction of ISIS Burton play toy.
In NYC you can be fined 250 K for asking an illegal alien if he can speak English. But Twitter thinks it’s Kosher to pose the question #HowDoMexicansTalk ? Like George Lopez but less Catskills comic Jewy in the process.

Situation: Cashier at the Pizza place making my son uncomfortable.

Pizza Man

You got ants in your pants kid?

Do It All Dad

Maybe, my son identifies with an apprehensive, second guessing Gerbilist.

Biden campaign officials demanding the media censor Giuliani.

Rudy has a casual relationship with the truth at best. Comparing Hunter Biden to Don Junior isn’t fair. Hunter isn’t considered to be threatening enough to be censored on Instagram.

Biden campaign officials demanding the media censor Giuliani again.

Something didn’t happen, alright.

Michael Kornbluth

Muslims, Mormons and Eunuchs?

Oprah begging Disney CEO Bob Iger to run against Trump.

Disney ABC has never had to file for bankruptcy. It’s better that people have no idea what you sound like compared to Michael Eisner. Jemele Hill can write your speeches for Grambling State University.

You look more presidential than Trump in a Windsor Knot. Nobody needs to know you went to Ithaca College, otherwise known as Cornell’s retarded next door neighbor. College record sealing is no big deal Bob.

Your perfect hair looks less overly pampered than Trump. You’ll deny Valerie Jarrett constructed the nuke gifting deal to Iran as Obama’s live in Arabian Horse Whisperer.

You allowed Sean Spicer on Dancing With Stars, which shows you’re bi partisan. Dan Le Batard can ask you debate questions instead of Lester Holt. Proving you’re not a free speech, favoring elitist.

Mom texts in response to videos of her 3 grandkids on the piano at FAO Schwartz. Looks like you had a fun day in the city.

In other words, I’m all out of pleasant adjetives to describe my happiness for my unemployed son enjoying my 3 grandchildren without Me Me.

Old Work Bud texts. Sorry, just got these texts. Had friends visiting from Colorado. I left you a voicemail about the NY Post reviewing my book asshole. Not to mention the A plus jokes about Hunter Biden I sent to your LinkedIn mail and you’re a recruiter.

If you want to know whether your friends hate you for supporting Trump. Text them a Hunter Biden joke about him banging his dead brother’s widow. Zero reply means, he still watches CNN religiously like Bill Maher coming down off strong E.

Robert Dinero on CNN looks like he identifies as a fake news tough Betsy Ross, falling apart at the seams.

Dinero melting down on CNN. Impeach Trump Nancy. His supporters won’t watch my movies anymore. Box office projections for the Irishman in Vegas outside of New York don’t feel very lucky.

EXT. Hell’s Kitchen-NYC

Old Work Associate

You had a 3rd.

Do It All Dad

God loves me more than you obviously.

Old Work Associate

I’ve been with my partner for 4 years.

Do It All Dad

You must be hung like a horse because you’re more boring than ever blah breath.

INT. Parking Garage-NYC

Black kid with his parents and sister sports a Sixer’s hoody.

Do It All Dad

Did AI bet a parlay every day for a whole year? Resulting in AI auctioned off one of his cornrows to China?

Georgetown apologized for slavery. Apologize for not forcing AI to retake Mo Money Management 101, from Do Rags To Riches.

Black Dad and Mom laugh long time.

INT. Trump Tower-NYC

Do It All Dad

Is the Trump Tower Gift Shop a safe space for Obama jokes? Or will I be fined by Deblasio 250K for any joke inferring Obama is an Illegal Alien Muslim from Kenya? Who bows to Sheiks and talks dirty to she hulk in perfect Farsi.

Mom texts in response to primo big city pics of her 3 grandchildren and videos of them on the piano at FAO Schwartz.

Looks like you had a fun day in the city Scoops.

I reply to my resistor mother.

Trump Tower was a blast to. Space Force shirts for Hanukkah it is.

INT. Car

Nurse Wife

No husbands drink after their kids are born in the hospital.

Do It All Dad

So I’m the only dad in 3 years who drank high end bourbon at your hospital to celebrate unplanned parenthood? Other Dads there are Muslims, Mormons and Eunuchs?

EXT. Hell’s Kitchen-NYC

Old Work Associate

You had a 3rd.

Do It All Dad

A new automatic fan of me, the misery. But you’re still recruiting? Working as a professional parasite for hire. My kids would’ve hung up on you already. Did I already tell you I wrote 2 books?

Michael Kornbluth

Barnstorming Barbershop USA

EXT. Basketball Court

Talking Horse

1st we workshop the act at County Fairs . Then, we get Ron White’s manager to sell you as the host of Barnstorming Barbershop USA. Finally, we get the Do It All Dad Does America Tour Bus and take your whole family with us baby.

INT. Horse Stable

Do It All Dad

Why call the show Barnstorming Barbershop USA?

Talking Horse

Barbershops aren’t paid to play CNN . 2nd, it’s the last safe space for politically incorrect comedy in America. Plus, you still need your precious beard trimmed right?

EXT. Basketball Court

Talking Horse

Abe Lincoln said, “Voice of the people, is the next thing to voice of God.” Why else do you kill with locals riffing and doing jokes, whenever you go on family trips outside of New York?

Do It All Dad

I possess the common touch?

EXT. Basketball Court

Do It All Dad

You don’t seem to scare easy.

Talking Horse

Only if I got drunk on Jello Shots and went bare backing with a Florida Cracker Horse on Spring Break.

EXT. HORSE STABLE
Talking Horse
You don’t need to see a shrink for anger issues.
Since when you do listen to your wife?
Do It All Dad
The fear of sleeping in a stable with you. Those Beyond Meat burgers with vegan Mayo make you gassy, all out of yuck.

EXT. Stall

Talking Horse

My great, great grandfather died for the American flag in the Spanish American War with Teddy Roosevelt and the Rough Riders.

Do It All Dad

Before DMX became guilty of cultural appropriation for the capitalizing off the Rough Ryder Anthem.

EXT. Basketball Court

Do It All Dad
How will we make money on the road?

Talking Horse

Write a short story called All the Sensitive Horses. And will get a producer to buy the film rights at the Cartoon Network. Atlanta is the the Hollywood South, now partner.

INT. Horse Stall

Do It All Dad

You’re really into food for a talking horse.

Talking Horse

I’m Hollywood Royalty. My parents used to take me to Roy Rogers ranch in the Pacific Palisades for showbiz horse parties back in the day. All the Rock Candy you could eat.

EXT. Horse Stable

Talking Horse

Abe Lincoln formed his own conclusions but always sought the thoughts of other Americans throughout the heartland.

Do It All Dad

I know. The audience tells you what works while performing your stand up talking points, resistors excluded.

EXT. Basketball Court

Talking Horse

Make the plunge into performing comedy live again. You’ve used Twitter and WordPress as an open mike long enough.

Do It All Dad

If I boil a Caramel mix used for Candy Apples again, I’ll waterboard myself next time I go bobbing for Apples.

EXT. HORSE STABLE

Talking Horse

You ever knock out a horse like in Blazing Saddles?

Do It All Dad

I’ve never been in a fight.

Talking Horse

So that’s why you use humor as a last minute defense to exert power over your failing sense of manhood. Will change that.

INT. Hindu Temple

Do It All Dad

How can I convert to Hinduism? I worship cows now.

Hindu Priest

Just say, I’m Hindu and tune out the View. We don’t worship all cows.

Michael Kornbluth

Perfect Wedding Anniversary Message

INT. DECICCO’S

Older Black Woman

I never had kids but I want one now because of you.

Do It All Dad

Baby Arthur is Planned Parenthood’s worst dream come true.

 

INT. DECICCO’S

Random Grandma

He’s so gorgeous. When you grow up, you’ll have 3 girlfriend’s at a time.

Do It All Dad

If James Woods had this kid’s hair and face, his estimates wouldn’t be so conservative.

INT. Harvest Moon

Farm Worker

How was the Emmy’s?

Biz Dude Good.

Do It All Dad

It took plenty of balls producing a hostless show. Colbert didn’t want to try being funny again with Sean Spicer as his go to straight man to work off of? Trump landslide 2020 bitches.

INT. Library

Librarian

Your library card is blocked.

Do It All Dad

Roseanne Barr blocked me on Twitter for sending funnier jokes than she produces. Which made her mad with jealousy. Because she’s the one with a coffee plantation in Hawaii, not me.

 

INT. Kitchen

Do It All Dad

(V.O)

Paul the Apostle in the New Testament says, “If a man will not work, he will not eat.” What if paid work in Corporate America outside of selling life insurance éludes me like my wife listening to my podcast, 124 épisodes later Paul?

 

INT. Kitchen

Do It All Dad

(V.O)

Paul the Apostle in the New Testament says, “If a man will not work, he will not eat.” Lucky for me, I’m Jewish and incorporated. And I could write off my flowering of  joke gems on Twitter for the past 3 years as a hefty charitable donation.

 

INT. Home

Do It All Dad

(V.O)

Country star Charlie Daniels says he would’ve  quit the road if his only son ever asked him. I wonder if his book editor said, “Cut the horseshit Charlie? I’m not Jerry Falwell, you can be a straight shooter with me.”

INT. Home

Do It All Dad

(V.O) Charlie Daniels says he would’ve quit the road if his only son ever asked him. I would. But Charlie Daniels never raised 3 kids at once from home for any extended period of time ever.  3 kids, who offer more divine powered joy than fiddling with his fiddle ever did.

Wedding Anniversary’s are a grâce period from vocalizing your annoyance at your significant other, especially when your daughter creates a card with a Beaver on it saying, I’d chip my tooth for you. And your son draws a card with 5 puzzle pieces saying, we fit together.

 

Wedding Anniversary’s are for biting your tongue. Especially, when your daughter creates an Anniversary card with a Beaver on it saying, “I’d chip my tooth for you.” I don’t call Female Flash my infinitely sweeter, far funnier twin for mere mere comedic,  exaggeration folks.

 

INT. Home

Mother In Law

Trump better get impeached.

Do It All Dad

Hunter Biden was banging his dead brother’s wife until Obama don’t told him to cut it out. Adding,”Banging your dead brothers wife regularly isn’t even in kosher in Bill Maher’s book.

Perfect Wedding Anniversary message in this age of Trump Bad, Me Good. We both agree, you’re amazing and that’s the most important thing that matters.

Michael Kornbluth

 

Living On An Alley-Oop Prayer

Once upon a time there was a stay at home dad who launched his stand-up comedy centric, Do It All Dad Year Podcast to reuse his shadow banned jokes on Twitter, prove he’s funny enough to be a headlining American comedian on a weekly basis and to rise from slug to paid stud as the star voice behind the remote work revolution. 124 podcast episodes later, Do It All Dad proclaims, John Lennon wishes he was this productive during his stay at home dad years. On the podcast, Do It All Dad constantly preaches, controlling our kids with comedy, can make our kids great again.

Do It All Dad picks a new race to win, becoming a bestselling author, knowing his Pro Trumpian stance hasn’t won him any fans in Cupertino to put his podcast on new and notable anytime soon, making it nearly impossible to monetize his A list headliner stand-up comedy material, he’s amassed so far.

But now Do It All Dad is being refunded the money he paid somebody to review his books because it violates hate speech standards. In other words, Do It All Dad supports our president and hates what’s become of the lying, Jewish smearing media for all its worth. What’s a proud New Yorker Jew to do, knowing his hometown has lost its collective mind? Hurling Nazi analogies about a President working free, defeating ISIS and pulling out out of never ending wars, trying to denuclearize the most dangerous parts of the world, just because they’re stiil with her for some reason and Baby Boomer arrogance never dies. Neither does east coast smug elitism and thinking they’re morally superior because they’ve taken the subway from Harlem once in their lifetime.

All Do It All Dad wants is to get paid from his comedy and writing from home so he can hang out with kids more, because he feels the kids need Dad around more than mama out of fear that if he leaves New York for another job down south in Atlanta or to open for a headliner comedian on the road throughout the American heartland, mama will bore his 3 kids to death in his absence. Also, Do It All Dad has grandparents in different states, far away, so he’s got nobody to look after the kids during his pursuit of elusive comedic glory.

One day, his wife, makes an ultimatum, “Get a job any job or move out, enough horsing around with jokes you’re not getting paid for already.” I’ve been patient for 10 Years. ” Do It All Dad replies, “Whistling helps.”

Because of the ultimatum, which his 3 kids overhear over dinner, Do It All Dad ‘s daughter makes an Alley-Oop prayer to Vishnu after spotting a White Rainbow from her bedroom window. She says, “Vishnu, my daddy is really funny but can’t make any money. Please, help my daddy pick a new race to win with the help of beautiful Palomino Horse, to act as his Jockey, his trainer, his Mick from Rocky if you will. I don’t know if there’s a Bollywood version of Rocky, but I think you get the gist about now.”

In the meantime, Do It All Dad is applying for writing jobs, recruiter jobs, but nobody is chasing him down for interviews because of the dreaded gap years on his resume. For once, Do It All feels like he’s being discriminated against because of his age, pro Trumpian stance and for his happy disposition for being a stay at home dad, who actually wants to stay at home in his castle instead of darting back to the commuter line again, despite his parents, friends, and society’s insistence on guilting him into doing otherwise.

Then, Do It All Dad gets a call from a new friendship ad, his daughter paid for in Town and Country. She took money out of her saving account to pay for it and got an advance on her prototype for Slim Girl Dolls through Kickstarter.

Do It All Dad gets a call. The voice on the other end claims to work in talent relations at Yonkers’s Raceway, and they’re looking for an in-house sports blogger to cover the races. They agree to an interview time there at Yonkers’ Raceway in their HR office.

During the interview, Do It All Dad meets the so-called HR Director who turns to be a Talking Palomino Horse, who sounds like the understated yet poetically deep biting, writer Charles Bukowski. The Talking Horse, AKA, Hollywood Royalty gives Do It All Dad a long shot bet to make at the track tomorrow. Do It All Dad has been horsing around studying Hinduism and asks the horse if he’s a medium for Charles Bukowski? Hollywood Royalty replies, Enough horsing around. Let’s get this show on the road. What show? Barnstorming USA Farmer’s Markets. I’ll play the straight man in our comedy act. You can’t pull it off down South as well, Midwest included. But first we need money for a horse trailer. Sell all your hair metal records, your wife thinks they’re crap anyway and come here with the money to put on Harlan Hurler at 50-1, got it.

Do It All Dad sells his cherished record collection and throws in his leather bomber Faconnable jacket his wife almost divorced him over, to close the deal, they he got from his 1st TV writing break in Manhattan for getting paid to write all the TV Host script reads for WWE star Chris Jericho, for America’s Hard 100, which ranked the greatest hard rock and heavy metal videos of all time.

Do It All Dad takes all 3 of his kids to track the night mama hangs out with her best friend for the big wager. Do It All Dad wins big at the track, turns out the female Palomino had a tip on the horse because every Palomino from North Salem, NY is only five degrees of Separation from Martha Stewart. The Dark Horse, who nobody has seen race much, wins. Do It All Dad’s alley oop prayer came through due her belief in Vishnu and Karma miles Dada has amassed in his favor for making the Indian Comedy Gods Laugh With You long time. Now, it’s time for Do It All Dad to take his 2-person food review comedy act on the road, for Barnstorming USA Farmer’s Market, pitching it as Anthony Bourdain No Reservations Meets Fashion Police. One way out by the Allman Brothers plays as the horse trailer on the open highway with the license plate, Hollywood Royalty, as we fade out.

The End

Michel Kornbluth

Miley’s Never Ending Sweaty Sex Period

Everyday for Miley Cyrus is Bi-Visibility Day, in case we thought she was just an attention whore.

After playing Black Dog by Led Zeppelin, Miley Cyrus loves to look at the faces among all the “confused dad’s” in the crowd. Confused Dads Miley? Any dad there knows you’re acting out your Dad’s drive to ditch his conservative grassroots fare.

After playing Black Dog by Led Zeppelin, Miley Cyrus loves to look at the faces among all the “confused dad’s” in the crowd. Confused Dads Miley? You worship sexual freedom the way Jimmy Page worshiped Satan to play like Robert Johnson on strong acid.

After playing Black Dog by Led Zeppelin, Miley Cyrus loves to look at the faces among all the “confused dad’s” in the crowd. Confused Dads Miley? She acts like she sprung Drag Queen Reading Hour between sets with the gal from Orange Is The New Black.

After playing Black Dog by Led Zeppelin, Miley Cyrus loves to look at the faces among all the “confused dad’s” in the crowd. Any Adam Carolla podcast listener dad there wasn’t banking on Michelle Obama belting out Dude Looks Like a Lady for an encore babe.

INT. T-Mobile Arena

Miley Cyrus plays Comfortably Numb.

Daughter Isn’t this Pink Floyd Dada?

Do It All Dad

Before Roger Waters changed his LinkedIn profile headline to Hey You Jew. Tear down your wall in Israel to make suicide bombings great again.

INT. T-Mobile Arena

Miley Cyrus plays Comfortably Numb.

Daughter

Isn’t this Pink Floyd Dada?

Do It All Dad

Before Roger Waters droned on about his dad’s death as a war hero leaving him in the clutches of a clingy, fretful mother in the Final Cut.

INT. T-Mobile Arena

Miley Cyrus plays Comfortably Numb.

Daughter

Isn’t this Pink Floyd Dada?

Do It All Dad

Before Roger Waters started blogging about how about all Israelis resist peace more than no sweat deodorant, rules of war and spit control.

INT. T-Mobile Arena

Miley Cyrus plays Mother

Daughter

Daughter Mama always told me I’d make it.

Do It All Dad

Mimi told me writing a screenplay once too ambitious.

INT. T-Mobile Arena

Miley Cyrus plays Comfortably Numb.

Daughter Child is grown. Dream is gone?

Do It All Dad

I know. It sounds like the theme song for Leaving Neverland.

 

INT. T-Mobile Arena

Miley Cyrus plays Black Dog.

Daughter A big legged woman ain’t got no soul.

Dad That’s why Baba hates rock and roll because it’s too loud.

INT. T-Mobile Arena

Miley Cyrus plays Black Dog.

Daughter

A big legged woman ain’t got no soul.

Do It All Dad

In her defense, Hillary Hammer Time Cankles wasn’t a known public figure yet.

INT. T-Mobile Arena

Miley Cyrus plays Black Dog.

Daughter A big legged woman ain’t got no soul.

Do It All Dad

That’s why mommy thinks my A plus hair metal record collection is “crap.”

INT. T-Mobile Arena

Miley Cyrus plays Black Dog.

Daughter Gonna make you sweat. Watch your honey drip?

Do It All Dad

In every relationship, there’s what daddy calls the sweaty sex period.

Michael Kornbluth

 

Unplanned Parenthood

I don’t like hearing our plan is to have 2 kids and we’re done because parenthood was never on your checklist before.

INT. HOME
Do It All Dad
Bourdain said Medellin in Columbia has gotten its act together after being the murder capital of the world.
Daughter
Can I vacation there with Shannon now? Her mom is from Medellin.
Do It All Dad
Bourdain also worked for CNN.

INT. Hipster Motel BAR-Vermont
Do It All Dad
Do you think Bourdain killed himself?
Mixologist No comment.
Do It All Dad
It’s like believing David Chang would sell off Momofuku to curse less and study Improv under Bobby Lee.
Easiest Halloween outfit ever. Tape a piece of smooshed ham over my nose, add grey highlights and buy a hoodie at the Salvation Army. Who are you for Halloween? Artie Lang on the prowl for Fun Dip. Beer League will always be a comedic masterpiece.

INT. Grocery Store
Do It All Dad
2 for 5.
Worker
Those raspberries aren’t organic.
Do It All Dad
I’ve developed a high tolerance. I’m a Pesticides Sales Rep for Crop Dusters in fly over country.
Worker laughs long time.

Bill Hader and Alex Bornstein have worked their assess off at being hilarious great forever. Their amassed comedic acting and writing muscle is incredible. Mazel Tov to 2 comedy legend pros already. So much more time left to shine.

Jenny McCarthy in her prime was way hotter and funnier and more spunktastic and charismatic than Paltrow or Applegate were ever combined, sorry. So, her face is wrinkle free. I’m only gooping in Jenny’s general direction in a fantasy face off, sorry.

If Angela Merkel is trending on Twitter today. You know it’s a slow impeach Trump train news cycle today. Let me guess, Merkel posted a blog on Medium titled, “Shouldering Climate Change Without Trump?” or “What About Gas Chamber Tax Reparations?”
Great quote by Mark Twain, “Travel is lethal to prejudice.” I’ll still take Michael Savage’s word about what a shit hole San Francisco has become. What does he gain by dumping on the ex-Jewel city of the west before Kamala Harris developed an ego?

EXT. HOME
Wife
You play too rough with the children. That’s why Arthur cried 3 times today.
Do It All Dad
Arthur whimpered out the sound of minor discomfort only once, from me compressing his ribs during a loving bear hug from behind babe.

INT. BAR
Mother
My dad cut off my sister’s speech for making fun of the cops attending.
Do It All Dad
My father interrupted after my joke about Jim Carrey painting my brother’s old Canadian bud from boarding school as an alt-right goon for hire.

INT. BAR
Mother
My brother says kids don’t remember anything before 5. That’s why he never feels guilty for never seeing my son.
Do It All Dad
My mother in law’s excuse for never splurging on gifts for my kids is they’ll outgrow it eventually.

INT. BAR
Mother
My brother’s excuse for not seeing my 2 kids much, is kids don’t remember anything before 5.
Do It All Dad
If your kid has something awful to block out or didn’t have hugging, squeezing and out of the house bonding time.

Scene: Phone call with mom. There’s so much to explore in the Hudson Valley. Growing up, your Dad and I worked. I thought we never went on weekend getaways because Dad always cried, “Who will look after the kids? Sleepaway Camp hasn’t started yet.”

Scene: Phone call with mom. There’s so much to explore in the Hudson Valley. Growing up, your Dad and I were always working. And Broadway plays on the weekend weren’t doable because paying for parking wasn’t worth the cultural enrichment.

How did the name Hudson become so popular? Did Ken Burns ever make the final cut? West Side Highway possesses more personable pop than Hudson. At 5, Hudson tells his dad, “I identify more with whiny yentas on the Upper East Side.”

Michael Kornbluth

Insulting My Way Into Gracie Mansion

INT. Home

Do It All Dad

I’m going to become the next Mayor of New York City in 2021.

Wife

Really?

Do It All Dad

My campaign slogan? Make The Bronx Great Again. Before Dinero ruined old school Scorsese movies with Joe Pesci and Harvey Keitel.

DeBlasio encouraged kids to miss school and protest climate change. Chinese American students denied entry into Bronx Science because of cultural diversity quotas feel the pressure to blow off school is culturally biased.

DeBlasio insisting on working out at the Park Slope Y proves what? He feels more in shape around overweight, Brooklyn beer snobs than gay Republican Investment Bankers at Equinox in SOHO for Soul Cycling classes to Judas Priest Playlists.

Vox has major credibility issues for printing this about DeBlasio.

“He might actually be kind of good and we are all bad.”

Yeah, I wouldn’t make it more impossible to suspend a violent teenager in high school than voting Pete Rose in the Hall.

As mayor of New York City, I’ll order cops to stop and frisk anyone looking sketchy in NYC. If the cops form a Steak Out every time, I show up to the park with you 3 kids in the suburbs. NY Cops in general have too much free time on their hands.

DeBlasio working out at the Y in Park Slope proves what again? Soul Cycle at Equinox in SOHO is too rich for his blood? Running into John Mayer there would wreak havoc on his fragile ego because his wife’s body is no sexual napalm spewing wonderland.

INT. Home

Wife

You Mayor?

Do It All Dad

Remember when my Dad said nobody cares about my political opinions? Now during Thanksgiving dinner at Gracie Mansion. I’ll say, “Dad, if you ever bought a place in the city, you could’ve voted otherwise.”

INT. Home

Wife

You Mayor?

Do It All Dad

Remember when my Dad said nobody cares about my political opinions? Now during Thanksgiving at Gracie Mansion. I’ll say, “What’s wrong pops? Did you really like me better as a stay at home Dad writer for hire?”

INT. Home

Wife

What’s your campaign strategy for Mayor of NYC?

Do It All Dad

Troll Michael Rapaport about his blah brained book, dogged Trump résistance and f bomb overkill until he blocks me on Twitter. Then, I nickname him Too Sensitive Rapaport.

INT. Home

Wife

Next mayor huh?

Do It All Dad

NYC needs more charter schools. So, kids from poor backgrounds can match dinner chat with Ivanka’s daughter at a Mandarin Meet Up Social for aspiring intellectual property theft lawyers.

NY Post Op-ed titles about me running for Mayor in 2021.

Made For Manhattan

Endorsing Myself As Mayor

More Likeable Than Don. Jr.

Stay At Home Dad Mattering

Insulting My Way Into Gracie Mansion it is.

DeBlasio could solve the homeless problem in New York City by reopening the psych wards with better care. Open a padded wing for Trump Derangement Syndrome patients. AOC will need it when Trump wins again in 2020. The NY Times editorial staff mumbles at the token Indian there, “Warren good, Russia bad. This is the end.”

Michael Kornbluth