Grandma Blanking on Birthplaces

On the phone with mom.

Which hospital was Arthur born in again?

The one you sent jack shit to.

Which hospital was Arthur born in again?

The building with newborn babies on the Upper East Side, you showed zero rush to visit despite your future scheduled flight but that’s not important right now.

INT. HARVEST MOON
Hack Dude
John Legend is more talented than Kayne West.
Do It All Dad
Yeah, I’m not sitting in the deep valley sun to hear John Legend give a sermon on anything but how to drown out his chicken head wife to moonlight sonatas in his head.

For a sec, I thought Jeremy Lin was trending because of #ChristianPrivilege. God forbid the Knicks resign the classier, still active, Bay area point legend, not being chipmunk chucker. I’ll never forgive JR Smith for running the Golden Child out of town because he couldn’t accept Jeremy Lin clogging up the driving bike lane all for himself.

Can’t Jeremy Lin play in China and emasculate Marbury if he wanted to? Enough with all the sob stories in his honor. He owned the Garden for a bit and didn’t have to demand get in the bandwagon. Plus, Harvard grads are popular on LinkedIn.

INT. HOME-AM
Wife
I’m making hard boiled eggs. I know how much you hate them.
Do It All Dad
So I won’t expect a gooey, runny ending to our time on the couch tonight after the kids are in bed then?

INT. HOME-AM
Wife
This pen could’ve ruined my Lilly Pulitzer cloths. It’s just another broken promise from you.
Do It All Dad
I promised to be thrilled at the prospect of you having to conceal your sagging legs with Lilly Pulitzer.

INT. HOME-AM
Wife
You’re so lucky this pen didn’t ruin my Lilly Pulitzer cloths. I knew you’d get defensive.
Do It All Dad
How can I be defensive if I apologized for almost ruining your cloths with my pens again for doing laundry you don’t?

INT. POOL
Do It All Dad
Your brother dove like an Avatar.
You dove like an Olympic hopeful in training.
Daughter
Well you dive like a knock kneed girl on the rag.
You can’t tuck me in for a whole month.

EXT. HARVEST MOON FARM
Do It All Dad
When are you do?
Nosy Husband Of Pregnant Woman
Did say what do you do?
Do It All Dad
I know you paid off all her debt and make 300K plus, so she doesn’t have to do Jack shirt anymore Champ.

Don King was the Jussie Smollet riot inciting instigator of the 90’s in a Nike jumpsuit. Sharpton tried to frame NYPD cops for a rape, feces involved, fake news hate crime. But Obama celebrated Al for this distinction.

Brainstormed story titles to write for a Jewish parenting site, Kveller.

Trade Mother In Law’s, Dream On

My Jewish Daughter Identifies as Hindu

Grandma Blanking on Birthplaces

Force Feeding Communion Isn’t Kosher

Defending My Jewishness on Christmas

What does that even mean calling Trump a Rat? Last time I checked, Presidents working for free, aren’t cheddar chasing, political whores for hire. But Trump’s the king rat in the nut cracker. He’s the Twitter king of cracking wise, I’ll give you that much.

Completion of the wall is an imminent reality now, Mueller was exposed for the deep state pawn that he is. US farmers, vets, legal Latino voters love Trump. Economy roars on. But backing Jew haters and calling Trump a Rat, will get grope a dope elected, morons.

When Lebron loses to Kawhi this year, what will the excuse be now?

He’s a pass 1st super star, more in the mold of disappearing Magic Johnson. Who thought dumping off to Uni Brow for a deep three with one second on the clock in the 4th will do the trick.

Still on the phone with mom.

Arthur and Matilda will be in Delaware for Baba camp. But that’s when I’m going to be back east. Will baby Samuel be there at least?

You really do resent him for making annual appearances back east look bad.

But I’ll make sure baby Samuel feels more than a giveaway constellation prize.

INT. HOME-AM
Wife
You’re so lucky this pen didn’t ruin 500 dollars worth of my Lilly Pulitzer cloths.
Do It All Dad
Don’t worry baby. I’ll write us out of the red eventually.

Michael Kornbluth

Missed More Than Mommy

EXT. HEAVEN
Joan Rivers
Clinton body count is still trending on Twitter Anthony.
Anthony Bourdain
Up for a titty fuck Joan?
Joan Rivers
I thought you’d never ask.
Shit, God can you zap Bourdain’s foreskin off in a flash?

If a boy is born 100 percent gay, does he suck down booby milk regardless? Because he doesn’t know what his preferred oral fixation is yet.

Bette Midler claims Trump pays black people to pose in pictures with him. Because Kayne West became famous for going out of his way to please his white slave masters in the song Black Republicans. And Jim Brown makes bank reforming gang banger’s I’m sure.

Bette Midler claims Trump pays black people to pose in pictures with him. Because Kayne West and Jim Brown are the Wayne Brady and OJ of their day, you dumb bitch. And Candace Owens is the help for Jerry Nadler offline, moron.

D.L Hughley calls Trump supporters lower than Satan worshipers. You’re a reformed gang banger, who was at the right place at the right time. You make Kevin Hart sound Paul Mooney deep in comparison. At least show a strain of attempted funny, comedian.

Scene: De Blasio debating Trump

De Blasio
You won’t be welcome back to New York.
Trump
I worked with Ed Koch, to rebuild the Wollman Rink in Central Park, under budget. Charter school cock blocker, let AOC cock block Amazon’s move to Queens.

De Blasio
You don’t know what’s right for New York.
Trump
You turned NY into a Sanctuary City, which is encouraged lawlessness, you dumb mook. You use NYPD to protect the head of ANTIFA outside his Brooklyn pad, Lena licker.

Baby Face Omar says be more fearful of white man than Jihadists. Because blowing up buildings to bang virgins in the afterlife is no indicator of knee jerk Jihadi having enough blood on his hands already.

Baby Face Omar says be more fearful of white man than Jihadists. I know because so many Jihadists are known for their animated senses of humor involving making fun of you know who.

NY Times letting Baby Face Omar write op-eds, means Steven Spielberg is off their Kwanza party invite list.

Girl from my past who grazed my meat Mallet once sends me an instant message.

Your parents retired to Arizona. Good for them, well deserved.

I reply.

They’ve been absente grandparents ever since, 3 grandchildren later and growing.

Explaining Bruce Lee to my 2 year old boy.

Bruce Lee was an American and the Chinese killed him for teaching martial arts secrets to Kareem, who couldn’t carry a film based on his force of personality, if his life depended on it.

INT. FANCY ITALIAN GROCERY STORE
Baby boy pushes car that has a plastic flag attached, which reads customer in training.

Do It All Dad
They should change the sign to shishy bitch on the rise.

Older Italian woman laughs long time.

The Obama’s are creating podcasts exclusive for Spotify.

Their participation trophies from Hollywood and Big Tech never end.

Is Ben Rhodes already framing the resisters of the podcast as Trans hater war mongers?

Girl from my past I tried to get a book review from.

Have you taken your family to Australia yet? I reply through instant messenger.

Yeah, opening for Jim Jeffries, assuming he can handle my pro Trumpian material should cover the cost easy.

Does your husband get cabin fever from your constantly stalled banter never lifting off past Clicheville?

Have I taken my family to Australia yet? Fly your 1 kid compared to my 3 from NY to Arizona once and I’ll treat your inquiry more seriously.

EXT. HOME
My 3 kids bum rush me.
Daughter
What took you so long?
Do It All Dad
Were you that miserable without me?
Daughter
Kind of.
Do It All Dad
So much for mom’s makeover making up for my presence when I was gone.

Michael Kornbluth

Fake News Happy For Me

Fake news is an expression now. Actually, it’s a fact based, truth enshrouded reality.

Ban ICE. Because caring about Homeland Security was so weapons of mass destruction years.

Friendly reminder, Baby Face Omar described 911 as “something happened.” Like it was a forgettable Edward Albee play off Broadway.

I hear they’re doing a remake of Three’s Company based on the bomb squad Freshman congressman called, Allah’s Avenging Angels. Because they’re are all virgins I’m assuming, except for AOC cranked up on high grade coke in college.

I’m happy for you means I’m all out of manufactured pleasantness in your honor.

I’m happy for you means your dad’s shoulders collapse in shame when you hug your dad for a reason.

I’m happy for you means you lucky, unworthy, spoiled piece of shit.

I’m happy for you means mom and dad are making your younger brother feel like the unintended, unwanted defect again.

I’m happy for you means your dad is fake news Bob Dylan deep.

I’m happy for you means you’re an idiot for thinking our relationship is a shining example of love supreme.

I’m happy for you means you fail the friendship litmus test.

I’m happy for you means they don’t think you deserve anything that’s jealous inducing for them.

I’m happy for you means not really.

I’m happy for you means your mom is rudderless without Snoopy giving you less generic lip service.

David Crosby, you know Garfield in the yard, having to follow Neil Young used to be so hard. Thinks Trump has no restraint. But Trump’s never drank, smoke or did coke when it was free liver spots. Baby Boomer arrogance never dies because of you.

What does USA captain Megan Rapino tell a lesbian Trump supporter at the Cubby Hole bar in the West Village?

I wouldn’t lick Ivanka clean with toilet water from detention camps if Michelle Obama was guaranteed victory in 2020.

Trump stokes white nationalism.
Was the Klan under their sheets depressed for 8 years when Obama was president? Do Popes normalize pedophilia decade after decade? Still, make Nazi Germany great again wasn’t his campaign slogan Judd Apatow.

All the media has done for 3 years is divide. How is this division problem Trump’s fault exactly? Did he write a golden shower fantasy tale to give Obama loyalists the right to spy on his campaign for opposition, German porn research?

Hillary on Megan Rapinoe as Secretary of State.

What difference does it make? I’m getting booed at Billy Joel shows at the Garden. At least backstage Stevie Nicks flirts with me and says “Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies.”

It’s hard to feel like a distinguished self-published author on Amazon knowing that Jeff Bezos profits from books such as The Jew as World Parasite. But I’m sure you’re new main squeeze loves you for your unbiased dirt rag Jeff.

Trump haters love to anoint themselves as the more respectful party yet they’re the ones who’ve ruined the old world charm of the NBA, NFL, Hollywood, rock & roll and all forms of gatherings with friends and family for 3 years straight.

Do I think everyone should be created equal? No, I don’t, especially anyone who thinks ANTIFA is on the side of right. Because you want white boys on crystal meth cracking Trump supporters heads on your behalf, you dumb ass crackers.

My parents are fake news hippies because they’ve lived in Arizona for 8 years as self-satisfied, smug east coast retirees, Bob Dylan evangelists and not once been to the Grand Canyon. Drinking warm chard before it cools is strike 2 against you mom, no offense. Instructing the DJ to stop playing the Star Spangled Banner by Jimi Hendrix at my wedding to close out the night during my wedding party in a beautiful sculpture garden outside of Woodstock is strike three against you Dad.

INT. Car
Wife
When you were in Vegas I got the kids in bed early every night.
Do It All Dad
But your parents were here for 2 out of those 3 nights. And your mom’s boring by English banker on holiday standards.

INT.KOHLS
Worker
At weddings you’re supposed to sit on the side of immediate family.
Do It All Dad
So my mom and dad seating themselves on the bride’s side means they only care about family separation for illegal aliens.

Michael Kornbluth

The Racist Word

USA Team captain, Megan Rapinoe could run for office?

What would her campaign slogan be?
Bring back the L word to Netflix Obama. You’re are only hope.
Drag Queen library reading hour can make Bette Midler great again. Before she based her world view on Unibrow Maddow.
Free sashimi lunches for Olympic hopeful muff divers.
Make Sarah Silverman funny again.
Pussy riot safe spaces when Ivanka becomes the 1st female Jewess president in 2024.

 

At the supermarket I get 2 tall boys of Throwback Pinner IPA’s because they were 2 for 5 among other reasons. Checking out I say to the grocery clerk. You don’t know what a pinner means because you were born with a vape pen in your mouth.

Deblasio’s wife was a lesbian before they got married. But were supposed to believe Garlic Breath converted her? He eats pizza with a fork and knife. But burying his beak into her slippery snatch is a plausible theory to digest.

Bill and Hillary Hammer Time Cankles got booed at Billy Joel during his MSG show. Because in his eighties prime Billy Joel’s biggest hits were considered lullaby music for Republicans by our Jack Black nation.

The birthrate in NY is at an all time low. Lena Dunham’s frumpy, quadruple rollage look getting a ridiculous amount of encouraged love on Instagram isn’t helping. Also, foodie hipsters are porked out already from meat sweats.

The birthrate in NY is also at an all time low because you never hear any Taylor Swift songs about guys who pass out mid thrust inside her Tootsie Pop treat because Millennial Mouseketeers don’t drink.

If Michael Jackson were alive today, what would his defense be? Beatles royalty points can’t buy me love.

My 1st parenting stance was only exposing my daughter to Woody Allen films which came out pre-Soon Yi. And only playing Michael Jackson songs from the Jackson 5, so my pedo star ban stance is more black and white.

I wonder if Dave Chappelle feels like a less sanctimonious twat for jerking off the genius of #RKelly in his Netflix special. While also using the Emmitt Till story to fabricate more fake news bullshit racist charges against Obama’s better half.

If President Trump doesn’t grant political asylum to Tommy Robinson, I don’t see him doing to dick to prevent big tech from silencing voices highlighting what the rape enablement party has become, sorry.

Bonding with the locals at Harvest Moon Cider bar.
Here’s some primo weed. I like to prove not all Jews are greedy, demonic scumbags like Bernie Madoff. Oh, I dropped a quarter. I’m not going to slip my vertebrae for it, thanks.

Oh, so you’re a comedian, that makes sense. For a moment, I thought you were just on really good coke. And was a greedy heeb for not once offering me any, my bad.

Met a hippie musician who used to bang a girl who danced in a cage for Kid Rock shows. She was so enrapturing she almost ripped his life shooter out of it’s socket. She dumped him. Moral of the story is Kid Rock cage dancers can break your heart.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL
Do It All Dad
Volley Ball trophies, division 1, not bad.
You know Samuel, Daddy lived in Hermosa Beach for a bit. Sand scattered hard body navels abounded.

Janitor passes by and laughs long time.

Pelosi isn’t a racist because she claims her grandson sees only pinata colors in the heart of the barrio holmes.

Russian bots pushed fake news fro Kaepernick to take a knee. I thought Michelle Obama pushed him down in that direction, with her never been proud to be an American bullshit until her husband let ISIS run wild and usher in 2.9 GDP growth.

Michael Kornbluth

Jimmy Fallon’s Writers Hate

Jimmy Fallon’s writers hate him because he didn’t rub Trump’s hair off, so a real-life skin head would emerge.

 

Brody Stevens tragic death, Hollywood Reporter? Joan Rivers getting knocked off for outing you know who was a tragic death. Also, can we stop glamorizing suicide for one second? Then again, I’d want to kill myself if my eulogy in the Hollywood Reporter was prefaced with, for A listers like Sarah Silverman. You know the real authority on maturity, knowing she still rips bingers in her hoodie into her late forties.  Why doesn’t the Hollywood Reporter put a spotlight on how most stand-up comedians aren’t lighting rods of conversation off stage because they’re not too warm hearted, giving humanitarians in the first place?  I hate to highlight Mein Kemp highlighting Bukowski, but he did refer to writers as a whole, at least the good ones as, “selfish, awful people, who save their best selves for the page.” I think you can say the same thing for Brody Stevens, assuming he wasn’t always dying up there at the Laugh Factory on Sunset Blvd. I do recall him on Jeff Ross’s roast show once and making a comment about using kettle bells. Sarah could use some core crazy normalizing these days.

Also, the Jewish rape doctor bit Sarah did back in the day on the Larry Sanders show, was written by someone else and her old show on Comedy Central sucked donkey dick after the pilot. Sarah Silverman gives new meaning to being heralded for making half-ass, half hearted, half-smile inducing comedy,  borderline shock jock humorish material, funny post her performance on the Pamela Anderson roast. Great look though, still defending Obama Sarah. Iran totally respected their time out from nuke building because your savoir gave them 150 billion for overseas manufacturing jobs for Build A Bear,to make the economy less reliant on the sale of hair removal products for your busted slinky bush alone babe.

Jon Snow going to a fancy rehab center in CT for 75 grand a month ruins everything. He was supposed to be the more Alpha Dog Orlando Bloom yet now you get the impression he’d startle easy from a cutting stare from Gordan Ramsey on Master Chef, celebrity edition, fake knights of the roundtable. For his take on Dothraki Lamb burgers. Ramsey yells.

“This burger taste like burnt villagers Jon Snow. Plus, the Dothraki would skull fuck you on the spot for infusing their burgers with rosemary, garlic aioli. Dothraki’s are never confused with shishy bitches like yourself John, no offense.”

 

Memo to AOC.

Our border Detention Centers have central AC, which is more than I have, let alone starving orphans in death camps in Auschwitz. Without smart phones, kicks and orange soda stained XL Jams, Miss Yorktown Heights, which is greener than your freezer at campaign headquarters, to puff down with Snoop on 420. Whose brain hovers a notch above porn hood hell.

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

Filling Out My Own Father’s Day Card

Daddy, what’s an anti-oxidant?

Bitter foods supposed to play a prevent defense on disease attacks explaining why Kale pesto has become a thing now.

Bitter bile from the NY Times only accelerates Trump Derangement Syndrome.

Brainstorming color schemes with my wife for our home entrance way.

What about rose red?

Wife says. It feels juvenile to me.

I reply. What does losing your virginity to Crash Into Me by Dave Matthews have to do with it?

Speech opener for my brother’s August wedding. God has given my brother more second shots than George Steinbrenner offered Steve Howe.

My Dad Wrote A Porno has gotten 150 million downloads.

But it’s a porno that takes place in England, gross.

Unless JK Rowling is getting titty blasted by Guy Ritchie, I’m not interested, in her snatch shots that is.

Hope Hicks is so hot, John Cryer wouldn’t cry if he walked into her dressing room at CBS by mistake, with Chuck Lorre wearing his finest platform shoes from the 70’s show for her dream cameo in the Big Bang Theory as a MAGA Bot sex doll come to life.

Jonah Goldberg so wants insult king praise from Scott Adams. Not that I give a shit about Scott Adam’s zero laugh out loud generating prose or ugly cartoons. But to insinuate Trump is anything less than a master insult slayer is jealous dumb.

EXT. Lakeside Field Club
Mom
Field Club equals gentiles.
Do It All Dad
Your Jewish friends are so wonderful?
Besides Nancy, because she’s more into inspirational leaders like Trump than empty, sociopaths pantsuits like Hillary.

EXT. Lakeside Field Club
Mom
Field Club equals gentiles.
Do It All Dad
Your Jewish friends are so wonderful?
They still subscribe to the NY Times.
Also, you didn’t call me on my birthday from Israel. So, stop acting so high and mighty.

EXT. Lakeside Field Club
Mom
Field Club equals gentiles.
Do It All Dad
Your Jewish friends are so wonderful?
All you do is bitch how Joan thinks buying second hand cloths is beneath her, which you find galling because she’s from the Bronx. Would you say the same thing about Ellen Barkin?Obviously banging Ron Perlman for the money wasn’t beneath her.

INT. HOME
Wife
You filled out the Father’s Day card I never had to time to fill out for you. As long as your pleased with yourself.
Do It All Dad
What a kind of do it all dad would I be if I didn’t fill out a Father’s Day card in my honor? Plus, you’re always telling me how I’m the writer in the relationship, not you.

Michael Kornbluth

Boyish Boring

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Colby chants her name in class, when she hits homers in wiffle ball and he’s the best athlete in class. You better recognize.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
25 years of blow and booze and now you blame your stomach issues on being lactose intolerant? You’re a performance coach because?

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Matilda doesn’t prance down the court on her tippy toes. Looking like she’s sporting high heels instead of high tops like I did.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
I had her clearing 5 stairwell stairs at 4. Now, she’s breaking school high jump records in the 3rd grade, jerkoff.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Again, she already broke the school high jump record in the 2nd grade. You blow through eight balls in record time.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
She just finds most traditional team sports boyish boring. You know like Mom with the Knicks.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Matilda already has her own home run dance. She signs her autograph with the tip of her Wiffle Bat every time she goes yard.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Matilda already as one more belt in Kung Fu than our entire immediate family combined.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Matilda can already do a perfect cart wheel, which is more than I can say for mama’s off balance, half formed monstrosity.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
She’s not clamoring to play softball yet because she prefers to play wiffle ball with me instead, her exact words actually.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Matilda kisses her guns as she makes the monkey bars her bitch again and again. You’re such a waste of breath.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Dad sent you to an all Catholic boarding school full of Division One hockey players who threw pennies at you during Mass. But I’m the clueless dad coach over here.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Have you molded a girl who teachers want to clone to ensure their lives are fuss free forevermore?

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
She can throw a perfect spiral and your life is constantly spiraling out of control. Given up gambling again Ace?

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
You get all your opinions on life from analogies on sports radio. Collin Herd is an overrated, boring twerp. Stephen A, he isn’t.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Joan Rivers didn’t play ball either. But I’m sure Hugh Jackman will perform at your funeral sendoff.

Michael Kornbluth

Resist This

Unknown touching fact about President Trump. When his friend Bob Kraft’s wife of 35 years died. He called him once every day for an entire year to see how he was doing. My wife refuses to get me off long time by even bookmarking my blog.
When Lebron didn’t make the Playoffs this year. Did his boy Obama shake off the talking shit about Trump curse sting, by tearing into his secret stash of Almond Joy’s in his man cave hidden inside a box of duct tape from Costco?
Whenever my baby acts fussy around mama, she claims he’s getting bored of her already. I always knew he was a quick learner unlike his learning-disabled daddy. By the time I was done with the SAT, my friends had declared their majors Sophomore year in college.
Did you know Muslims don’t believe in paying interest? Not even for a small business loan for a Sleepy’s Under the Stars, or else the Palestinians lose their UN sanction victimized status.
In England, they’re considering banning the teaching of the Holocaust because it offends the Muslim population who claimed it never happened. Ok, so Amir won’t be on the short list for internships at Amblin entertainment with any plan to be groomed as Stephen Spielberg’s next JJ Abrams in the making, despite the Quran being in dire need of a futuristic refresh.
An Illegal Alien got convicted of raping a dog to death, only to be released without notifying ICE agents in Sanctuary State, Oregon. Beavers are biters. I’d wouldn’t push your luck homes.

Courtney Love did acid at 4, was shipped off to Boarding School at 9 and blew Ted Nugent at 14. Thank God, I can’t afford boarding school for my daughter at 8. Don’t get me wrong, I think Courtney could’ve done worse than blowing Ted Nugent at 14. It’s not like she was going down on Woody Allen to get back at her adopted actress mother. Hole Live Through This is a rock masterpiece. She’s worth 150 million now. Courtney Love is Mia Farrow with better husband selection.

This is Roger Daltry yelling at fans for puffing weed at the last Who show at MSG.

We’re not Pink Floyd. Weed kills your ambition, remember, don’t get fooled again? That’s what Pete Townsend said when he clicked on the website Soap Suds Bottoms.com. We got it Pete. You we’re doing opposition research for a song about pedophile chat rooms, registered under moveonnothingtoseehereatpodesta.org, got it mate.
The End
By,
Michael Kornbluth

Like Mother Like Son

Me playing the role of trainer Mick for my son Art Show, AKA Feather Foot as Rocky 4 blasts in the garage as he does more sit ups on our ordained Rocky rug.

No pain Art Show, you’re pimping the American Flag bandanna big time. Let the music make your heart soar like a Bald Eagle not stressed about all his peeps being near extinct yet. 2 more, you’re going to be the prettiest bad boy soy boy in class. Every kid is going to want a piece of you, fronting to be real life tough guy, smart asses like Robert Dinero method actors in the making. Drop them on their ass for daring to fuck with you pretty boy face before they become high school loser drop-outs because they won’t want to show their mangled, mope maligned mugs after you’re done smacking their smirks on to the gym locker floor on top of their Iron Maiden Trapper Keepers. 2 more sit ups, make those dumb mooks run for the hills to their mommies for birthing such inferior, mush mouthed seed.

Me overruling my wife again.

Matilda can handle number sentences at school on a sprained ankle. It’s not like she’s ducking a fight using brass knuckles in a female remake of 3 Clock High because she’s so kettle bell dense strong, unlike the wobbles in the hyped female conjuring version of Super Bad. Because the world of comedy needs more, mild musings from the Female ID of Michael Cera. I’m sure the ska light, sexless sounding Sting promoting Rainforest meditative back beats from the latest and greatest Vampire Weekend in the film will sound more momentous and less existential strained than the Singles soundtrack no problem.

Michael Jordan torched the Jazz for 37 with the Flu in the NBA Finals with a 105-degree fever, making Karl Malone his bottom bleeding gimp. Begging to be infected with MJ’s killer attack, over the top Alpha Dog gene, versus his absence of an automatic clutch gear, no amount of fancy stick rigs or 100-pound curl raises can conceal.

Defending my Jewishness over this past Christmas.

Bloated, model of a blah brained, bearded wannabe hipster minus artistic talent blurts out “My sister is more Jewish than you are.” I reply. Have you even graduated college yet, 8 years later? You’re like Van Wilder minus the rich dad. Also, last time I checked you we’re too fat to pass the physical for the Police Academy. But I’m sure your heart was really into, Serpico. Also, I had a Bar Mitzvah and sang my Haftarah portion in Hebrew. Last time I checked, you air guitared your Ukrainian harp Bandura at Church because you’re a lazy, good for nothing blob of hobbit mole allergic to nuts and all forms of ball exertion. Who had to have your parents threaten to not pay 5 grand for your wedding if the ban of their 3 grand children who they never see was lifted. But Jesus loves the totality of you. But hey your religion allows your mom to be forgiven for being a colossal cunt and yell at my kids for jumping on the spare mattress in your old shit sty room at the foot of our old couch because it isn’t the designated, cramped play area. The room downstairs next to the kitchen, with your air guitar Bandura on the couch, as a mere decorative ornament like when you were last spotted in shame with it in Church back in the day is.

Your sister is more Jewish than me? Then, why hasn’t your dad ever used some of his SAP consultant money to pay for her nose job then? That’s right, he’s still sporting the same Tommy Bahamas from the eighties. When Trump was rebuilding Wollman Rink in Central Park for free and giving the profits to Aids men victim groups whereas your father was giggling to Monty Python sketches after work. Which did wonders for his imagination, knowing what a dead weight conversationalist you’ve become, like mother like son. Also, my kids love Futurama, but think your Bender tattoo is ridiculously stupid. A fake tattoo would’ve been a fun for a bit, right kids? If you got a fake Bender tattoo kids, worst case scenario then, you can’t be buried in a fake Jewish cemetery.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Force Feeding Communion Isn’t Kosher

 

Wife says. Arthur told me about Matilda taking a dump in the garden.

I reply. The corner in the garden is the designated pee area, when we’re having too much fun outside, when you’re at work. So, Matilda got a tad too comfortable in her lush, suburban fairy forest flicking surroundings. Also, Arthur wasn’t supposed to tell you. She knows not to do it again. Besides, we took her camping at 2. So, don’t act like taking a number 2 in our leafy lush,  side garden stone wall is the equivalent of bumming up the streets of San Francisco for entitled bum appreciation day. Also, show a spec of humor about it about our daughter’s break track of a dump. You’d think Little Bear was there, after polishing off every last drop of Mama’s Bear Fish Soup, loaded with extra quinoa, for added protein dumpage.

Last, I’m the one who stepped on her hot load of Plateosaurus poo, in my not so fresh anymore new Adidas. In reality, I should be the one steaming, knowing you’re the one who pushed the plant based, fake news pushing, Better Than Meat sausages on our Pescatarian reared daughter, not me. Only to learn from our daughter on our way to school today how she also knows what a cardboard body of Christ tastes like because it’s your mom force fed the Eucharist and her baby brother Arthur her behind my back, without my permission like a crazed Jesus freak. But my people, the Jews are the sneaky, controlling manipulative ones.  And don’t tell me the Eucharist is any different than getting a Communion, it’s an assertion of Jesus Christ being my children’s Lord and Savior. As opposed to true Master of the Universe, the one and only God, who doesn’t need to get crucified to make his presence felt. That’s right, Hillary Hammer Time Cankles isn’t the one entitled to conduct opposition research babe.

 

8 years ago, I made it clear to your mother how her Jewish raised granddaughter won’t be getting a communion ever. In the end, we should’ve told your mom about her conversion Mikveh ceremony at 2. Because she’s getting a Bat Mitzvah and closing with a 12 piece orchestra rendition of November Rain and an encore of performance of Wherever, Whenever by Shakira because the Reform Synagogue hosting the event, are cool with Lesbian rabbis, so they’ll lick it up, lick it up, oh, oh.

 

Also, we got Matilda converted to Judaism as a safety net for Heaven on earth, no Eucharist wafer required, assuming she falls in love with a Jewish doctor. Knowing her now legally solid, Jewess religious status won’t ever spurn a good guy Jew away in favor of an Atheist, Indy rock musician. Who rocks a Planned Parenthood bumper sticker on his Tesla. Possessing zero knowledge of the poor man’s Black Crows back in the day.

I still can’t believe your mom pushed the Eucharist on our 3 kids behind my back, knowing I’d shoot it down faster than her shitty chicken sausages from BJ’s. She knows were raising the kids Jewish and Jews believe in the act of Mitzvah, which is doing good for the sake of it, not for the hope of eternal life, with zero headliner entertainment to look forward besides Bill Hicks but God will want to hog him all to himself. 

 

I respect the Eucharist tradition knowing it was inspired from the Passover feast Jesus was celebrating with his fellow Jewish brethren, before the Romans crucified, twice Old Testament mentioning Yeshua. The Jews egged on the Romans, with divisive hate speech heckling from the sidelines because history proves we’re the real violent ones compared to gentiles at large, got it Mel.

But you don’t force your Jewish reared grandchildren to perform a Eucharist behind your Jewish son in law’s back, ever, it’s  the opposite of Kosher. If your mom had any alleged Jewish friends, she’d understand Jews like me, love some Jesus but never grateful over the millions of Jews killed in his name nor true believers in him being the one and only Messiah because peace on earth hasn’t happened yet. Obama nuke gifting Iran and making a hefty charitable donation to the PLO on his way out the door didn’t help, nor did W exploiting post 911 fear for all it was worth to Democracy builder uppers at Halliburton, selling Powell’s honor to the Devil without breaking sweat.

Your mother can’t accept the fact, Hillary is a 2-time loser for a reason and how the NY Times doesn’t know best. So of course she can’t deal with me being against Jesus being force fed down my throats for Christ sake.  But in the spirit of Jesus I forgive your colossal cunt of a mother for force feeding Eucharist, Communion, whatever, whenever,  down my kids throats.  I’m a proud Jewish New Yorker and so will her 3 grandchildren for life and she can’t ever take that away from me, force fed wafer or not. 

 

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth